Opening

TMGTTM-20thCenturyFrog
Announcer Ladies and gentlemen, stand by for the television event of the decade!
A montage plays of scenes from the special, with emphasis on displayed words.
Announcer Never before such EXCITEMENT! Never before such DANGER! Never before such PASSION! With guest star Dudley Moore! And special guest star Lily Tomlin! Look what the critics are saying…
TMGTTM-Critic1 TMGTTM-Critic2
Announcer And now, the moment you've all been waiting for …
Switch to a stone-carved monument with the title…
TMGTTM-Muffets
Announcer The Muffets Go to the Movies!
Kermit (off-screen) That's MUPPETS! The MUPPETS Go to the Movies!
Fozzie Huh. I never could spell.
He leans against the monument, and it falls over. The curtain closes.


"Hey a Movie"

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause, wearing a white tux.
Kermit Thank you! Thank you, thank you! Hi-ho and welcome! You know, long before we Muppets were making movies of our own, we loved just watching them. So tonight, we're going to recreate some of our favorite movie moments, with the help of our very special friends, Dudley Moore and Lily Tomlin! (audience aahs) Yes! So now, ladies and gentlemen, let's go to the movies!
TMGTTM-HeyAMovie!
Open on a montage of movie moments, supported by the Muppets singing "Hey a Movie".
Statler Well, up until now, I've always been interested in moving pictures.
Waldorf What are you interested in now?
Statler Moving out of here!
They chuckle.

The Three Musketeers

Fozzie comes out as his fanfare plays.
Fozzie Hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya! Thank you! It is now time for the first of tonight's film tributes!
Statler Too late. We're going.
The two geezers exit.
Fozzie Aha! Don't worry, folks. They'll be back. We tied elastic ropes around their ankles.
They spring back into their seats.
Waldorf Okay! We'll watch!
Statler & Waldorf We'll watch!
Fozzie Thank you. So. Here's my favorite movie of all time, one of the great swashbucklers, The Three Musketeers!
The curtain opens on the title with a castle behind it in a picture frame.
Announcer The year was 1796, and three men held the future of France by a single, slender thread.
The Musketeers are played by Link Hogthrob, Gonzo and Scooter. Inside the castle, Link looks closely at a piece of string.
Gonzo Ha-ha. Here we are in the castle of the cardinal, D'Escargot.
Scooter (nods) Rumor has it that the cardinal will be kidnapped tonight! This must not happen.
Link Hogthrob And it won't, because …
Mgmthreemusketeers
The three We are the Three Musketeers, ta-da! (they cross swords)
Gonzo Ha-ha. All for one and one for all!
Scooter One for all and three for a quarter.
Link Hogthrob ♪ Quarter to three and no one in the place except you and me.
The three ♪ So set 'em up, Joe, we got a little story you oughta know.
Gonzo (sneezes)
Scooter Wait a minute!
Gonzo What?
Scooter Can this be right?
Gonzo We are always right, my friend, because …
The three We are the Three Musketeers, ta-da! (they cross swords)
Gonzo Ha-ha! I'm Athos!
Scooter I'm Porthos!
Link Hogthrob I'm Gummo.
Scooter Gummo?
Gonzo A Musketeer named Gummo?
Link Hogthrob Sure. You like my feather? (waves it in Gonzo's face)
Gonzo (sneezes)
A masked pig sneaks in.
Gonzo Ah! Yonder is the kidnapper! Gentlemen, attack!
Scooter and Gonzo charge towards the pig, making their own soundtrack as they do so. Link just stands there and cowers as the other two fight.
Scooter Aha! The villain has dropped something! Perhaps it is a clue!
Link Hogthrob (skewers it) It is a crumpet.
Scooter A pumpernickel crumpet!
Gonzo A pumpernickel crumpet? (continues fighting)
Scooter And furthermore, it has lumps all over it!
Gonzo A lumpy pumpernickel crumpet? (continues fighting)
Link Hogthrob Huh. A crumpy lumpernickel pumpet?
Scooter And in all of France, there is but one bakery that makes such a delicacy.
Gonzo And that bakery is?
Scooter Humperdinck's! (fights)
Gonzo Egad! Humperdinck's lumpy pumpernickel crumpet?
Link Hogthrob Egad! Humperdinck's lumpy humper-cumpel crumple-pumple?
Scooter And who is the man who loves Humperdinck's lumpy pumpernickel crumpets beyond all things?
Others We don't know! Who?
Scooter That simple wimp, the Scarlet Pimpernel! (slides down banister) Wheeeee!
Gonzo Yes it is! (with Scooter) It's that simple wimp Pimpernel and his Humperdinck's lumpy pumpernickel crumpet! Ta-da!
Link Hogthrob Egad! It's that simple wimp Pimpernel, and his humpy humple-dumple … can we just get on with the story?
Scooter Good idea. For there, the dreaded Scarlet Pimpernel is making his escape!
Gonzo Yoikes, Porthos, thou art correct! Gummo, swing down on yon chandelier and capture yon Pimpernel!
Link Hogthrob Why me? I'm not the strong one.
Scooter No, you're the stupid one.
Scooter pushes Link, who swings across the hall, then crashes out the window and lands backstage on Miss Piggy. He gets up.
Beauregard Are you alright?
Link Hogthrob I'm fine, but I think I broke your sofa.
Piggy gets up.
Miss Piggy Do you know what you just did?
TMGTTM-Backstage0
Link Hogthrob Yes, I flew through the air with the greatest of ease.
Miss Piggy (grumbles)
Link Hogthrob The audience loved it. They wanted an encore.
Miss Piggy Well. Let us not disappoint them.
Link Hogthrob Huh?
Miss Piggy (karate-chops him away) Hi-YAH!

Invasion...

Main stage.
Kermit Some people believe in UFOs, or in other words …
PLOP! Link lands on Kermit, then gets up, dazed.
Kermit … unidentified falling objects. But now, Dudley Moore and Lily Tomlin in a UFO movie! (shoves Link) Get off, off …
TMGTTM-Invasion1 TMGTTM-Invasion2
The curtain opens on a title: "Invasion of the Unpleasant Things from Outer Space". A helicopter flies by the window of an air force base. Dudley plays a colonel, whose mock Japanese dialogue is translated on-screen. He shouts into a walkie-talkie.
Dudley (translated text) This is Colonel O'Malley of the United States Air Force. Can you hear me?
Lily enters, her English dialogue translated into Japanese on-screen.
Lily Oh — I hear you, sir. I brought your sushi burger, Colonel O'Malley.
Dudley (translated text) Rats!
Lily Rats? No, no, I ordered tuna, as you told me.
Dudley (translated text) No — giant rats! From Outer Space!
She looks out the window and sees a pair of giant rats.
Lily Oh no. Oh, we're doomed! (hugs him) Oh, we're doomed! Do something, for Pete's sake! (whispers) "Pete's sake?"
TMGTTM-Invasion3
Dudley (translated text) Miss Trenton … Jean. There is something I must tell you.
Lily Oh, yes, sir, yes, sir. I'm sorry, um …
Dudley (translated text) I wish I had opened my heart to you before now but … I love you, can't you see? Totally. Helplessly. What a fool I've been, the precious moments I've wasted — I love you, Jean. Love you. Yes, I loved you then and I love you now. ("Tora! Tora! Tora!") I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Lily Oh, but sir, I —
Rizzo Three billion light years for this? (on-screen translation: "Squeak. Squeak — squeak")
The rats leave. Dudley embraces Lily and gives a long speech, which scrolls by faster than she, or the viewer, can read it.
Dudley (translated scrolling text) I've loved before. But this is different. This is so real. So precious. And when I look into my heart, I know. I know that this is the real thing. A love that will transcend time and space. A love that will last till the end of time. Which may be very soon now. I know I should have told you. But marriage with me is not what you want. You need an older man. Someone more mature than me. That's why I hid my love away. That and the sumo wrestler I saw you with at the Christmas dance. But now the world is ending. Humanity will be annihilated. Tell me. Do you love me too. Can I die happy. Please. Speak your love. Say something to give me hope.
Lily But I don't — I — the rats have gone, sir.
They embrace.
Dudley (in English) Oh! It's a miracle. How did it happen?
Lily (in Japanese, translated) How should I know? I was reading.
Statler I hate foreign films with subtitles.
Waldorf Well, it's worse when they dub 'em into English.
Statler Why?
Waldorf (off-sync) Because the lip movements never match up with the words that you're hearing.

The Wizard of Oz

Main stage. Janice enters to a fanfare.
Janice Hi. I'd like to introduce my favorite flick of all time, The Wizard of Oz. Fer sure. I love Oz. I may move there. Rully. Tonight, the part of Dorothy is played by —
Miss Piggy (off-screen) I'm not ready!
Janice Uh, no problem! Tonight, the part of Dorothy is played by ME!
Miss Piggy (off-screen) I'm ready!
Janice Oh, bummer. (sigh) Anyway, we're off to see the wizard! Hasta la bye-bye!
She exits. The curtain opens on Kansas. Piggy (Dorothy) carries Foo-Foo (Toto) in a basket and sings "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". Rowlf interrupts her.
Rowlf Psst. Hey.
Miss Piggy Hmm?
Rowlf You're in black and white.
Miss Piggy I'm supposed to be in black and white. The color comes in a minute.
Rowlf Oh. (to camera) Don't adjust your sets, folks!
Foo-Foo barks at him.
Miss Piggy Twit! Get away, get away!
Rowlf Yeah, yeah, see ya later …
Miss Piggy It's alright, it's alright, Foo-Foo.
She puts the basket down and continues the song. Foo-Foo gets out of the basket and follows her.
Rowlf Hey! Cue the color!
Wizard of oz GO TO MOVIES
The screen fades from B&W to color. Scooter enters as the scarecrow, Gonzo as the Tin Man, and Fozzie as the lion, singing "If I Only Had …" and "We're Off to See the Wizard".
Waldorf I'd follow the yellow brick road.
Statler Why?
Waldorf It'd get me out of this theater.
They chuckle.


Fool of the Roman Empire

Main stage. Gonzo enters to a fanfare.
Gonzo Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to see the great Dudley Moore, in a colossal widescreen Roman epic! Lions attack innocent people. Slaves suffer public humiliation. Gladiators fight to the death. I've never laughed so much in all my life. (nods) Roll film!
The curtain opens on the "Metro Goldwyn BEAR" logo, with Fozzie as the lion.
Fozzie Aaahh.
Mgmmgm Fooloftheromanempire
Fade to a title: "The Fool of the Roman Empire". Switch back to Fozzie.
Fozzie Sorry. (walks off)
Fade to the opening scene. A horn fanfare is played as Scooter enters among a crowd of pig gladiators.
Scooter People of Rome! Make way for the great Caesar! All hail Caesar!
Dudley (Caesar) enters to applause and a fanfare. One horn player extends his fanfare unnecessarily.
Dudley Finished?
Hornblower (SW) (out of breath) Yeah.
Scooter All hail Caesar!
Crowd All hail great Caesar!
Dudley All hail!
Scooter Uh, would great Caesar like a new toga?
Dudley Are you kidding? I wouldn't be seen dead driving one of those cheap Japanese cars.
Scooter and the gladiators laugh.
Julius Caesar Dudley Moore
Dudley Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears …
Pig (JN) What'd you do with the ones we lent you last week?
Dudley I stuck them on my chariot.
Pig (JN) Why?
Dudley Because they're chariot ears.
Scooter and the gladiators laugh.
Dudley Jolly good. Uh, ahem. Bring me my piano.
Pig (JN) Bring great Caesar's piano!
A group of other Muppets drag the piano over.
Dudley Do you know why they call me great Caesar?
Scooter Well — 'cause great Dudley would sound silly?
Scooter and the gladiators laugh.
Dudley You fool. No, because I provide my own background music.
Scooter and the gladiators laugh. Dudley sits at the piano and plays "Pomp and Circumstance".
Dudley Great empires have their ups and downs.
Others (murmuring in agreement)
Dudley But we won't be down for long.
Others No!
Dudley No. The name of Caesar will endure forever.
Others Yeah!
Dudley My salads will conquer the world!
Others (cheering)
Dudley So, let there be celebrations in the streets …
Others (cheering)
Dudley … and joy be unconfined …
Others (cheering)
Dudley … let the chariot race BEGIN!!
Others (cheering)
Pig (JH) And they're off!
A pistol is fired, and the race begins as Dudley plays jazz piano. Lew Zealand and his shark get a head start, leaving Gonzo and his chicken behind, as well as Beauregard and his rats.
Lew Zealand We, who are about to die, salute you!
Dudley Nicely put!
Gonzo I may not die, but I hope to be badly injured!
Dudley (laughs) Break a leg!
Gonzo takes the lead.
Gonzo G'bye, Lew — BEAUREGARD!!
Lew Zealand Chew 'im up!
Dudley He's taking out the garbage!
Beauregard Yeah! I'm taking it out for a ride!
Dudley picks up the tempo.
Dudley (pauses playing) Don't worry, they haven't finished yet!
The three racers crash into each other as Dudley finishes. Applause.
Dudley Well, look at this now… (stands up) Thank you! Thank you! Thank you. (gives thumbs down, waves) Thank you.
Waldorf Ehh. That wasn't much of a spectacle.
Statler Wasn't even a monocle.
They chuckle.

Backstage

The Romans pass Kermit.
Kermit Very good, men! Great tribute to the Roman epic.
Rizzo Oh yeah? Well, it's an insult to rats!
Kermit Why?
Rizzo Well, rats aren't beasts of burden. We're creatures of genius.
Kermit Really? Name one rat genius.
Rizzo Frank Lloyd Rat.
Kermit Mesh.
Rizzo But you can make it up to us by letting us do our rat production number.
Rat (JN) Yeah! A big white set! Crystal chandeliers!
Rat (DG) Circular staircases!
TMGTTM-Backstage1
Rat (RH) Glitter! Glamor!
Rats And rats! (start singing "Top Hat")
Kermit Okay, hold, wait wait wait wait — hold on there! Listen, we've already done a number like that.
Rat (RH) We did?
Rizzo What?
Kermit Sure, listen — in our new movie, The Great Muppet Caper, Miss Piggy does a production number called "The First Time".
Rizzo I haven't seen it.
Kermit You will.
Rats We will?
They watch a clip from the movie - an excerpt of "The First Time it Happens".
TMGTTM-Clip1-1 TMGTTM-Clip1-2
Applause. Kermit looks from the wings. Lily comes downstairs.
Kermit Oh. Hi, Lily. Hey, you're on in a second.
Lily I know, uh … Kermit, I'm glad that I've found you here. I wanted to tell you something if I could.
Kermit Oh, sure. What's that?
Lily I don't want you to get the wrong idea, because, um … well, I know you are Miss Piggy's guy.
Kermit Well, you may know it and she may know it, but the vote's not in from the frog.
Lily Oh. Well, in that case, um … I've been wanting to let you know that I think you are very, very attractive. (sigh)
Kermit Oh, wow. Well, I guess it's like a mutual admiration society, then, because I think, ever since I first laid eyes on you, I thought that, uh …
TMGTTM-LilyKermit
They hear Piggy humming behind them and immediately freeze.
Kermit … uh, that you're the perfect person to introduce the horror movie. Ahem.
Lily What kind of compliment is that?
Kermit Pig alert. Pig alert.
Lily (sees Piggy) Oh, yes, and I know exactly what I'm going to do with the introduction, um, Kermit. I've been working on it.
Kermit Uh, well, uh, uh, good luck with it then.
Lily Okay, and uh, listen, thanks for saying that I could do the horror movie introduction. That was very sweet of you.
She kisses him and goes onstage. Piggy walks up to him.
Kermit Uh…
Miss Piggy You never tell ME I can introduce a horror movie.

Nephew of Frankenstein

TMGTTM-Lily1
Lily I don't know why, but they've asked me to come out and introduce the Muppets' tribute to horror movies. I mean, me of all people? It's almost ridiculous, because, well, I've always, quite frankly, I've hated those tacky horror movies.
A thunderclap is heard, as the lights go dim and a green light shines on her.
Lily I mean, I think they're almost laugh — laughable, with their — those cheap lighting effects and things.
Monsters rise among her.
TMGTTM-Lily2
Lily And those uh, unbelievable monsters? I mean, some of the things that … like, uh … that I've seen created, are, uh … they're really … they're almost … oh, help …
She suffocates and faints. The monsters laugh. Fade to black.
TMGTTM-J.ArthurLink
Open on a title: "J. Arthur Link presents". Link bangs a gong with his head. Fade to a title: "Nephew of Frankenstein". Fozzie walks up to a creaky wooden castle door.
Fozzie Boy. What a spooky place. I hope my uncle isn't some kind of a weirdo.
He pulls a chain, and a series of spooky sounds is heard.
Fozzie Well, so far he seems normal.
The door opens, and Dr. Strangepork emerges.
Strangepork Ah, nephew. Come in. Heh heh heh. (Fozzie follows him inside) Yes. Nice to see you.
Fozzie Wha-ha-ha? (looks around) Hey. This is cute. What does it do?
Strangepork My work here is nothing less than … (dramatic sting) … the secret of life itself. (dramatic sting)
Fozzie Wow.
Strangepork And also a coffee that doesn't taste bitter.
Fozzie notices Mulch on a stretcher.
Fozzie Oh, look! You have a roommate! Aha! Hello! (taps him) Hello??
Strangepork Uh, it's just somebody I'm working on — uh — I mean, working with.
Fozzie Oh. Ah.
He leads Fozzie to a chair and sits him down.
Strangepork But come, nephew. You must be tired. Sit down, relax in this chair with the wrist straps. Heh heh.
Fozzie Wha?
Strangepork I hope I remembered to plug it in. (hums)
Fozzie Uh, uh, uncle, uh, don't go to any trouble on my account. I'm family. Heh. What's that?
TMGTTM-NephewOfFrankenstein1
A metal cap is lowered onto Fozzie's head.
Fozzie Oh. It's one of those.
Strangepork You said in your letter that you're the funniest bear in the world.
Fozzie Did I remember to tell you that?
Strangepork Yep. When I throw this switch … we are going to perform the world's first joke transplant! Heh heh heh! Okay —
He pulls the switch, and Fozzie gets electrocuted.
Fozzie Wha — hold it, uh, couldn't we talk about this just a — (screams)
Strangepork Think of funny stuff — NOW!
Fozzie Uh, what do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
The cap explodes. Mulch rises from the slab.
TMGTTM-NephewOfFrankenstein
Mulch Hot cross bunnies.
A hole blows up in the screen. Kermit peeks through it.
Fozzie Help!
Kermit You just blew a hole in the movie screen! Call the fire department!
Sirens sound. Strangepork and Fozzie panic.
Strangepork Help! Help!
Fozzie Help!
Fireman (DG) Sorry! There's nothin' we can do!
Kermit Why not?
Fireman (DG) Well, they're back in the 19th century! Our hoses won't reach! (giggles)
Fozzie Kermit, what'll we do now?
Kermit What else? A-ba-dee, a-ba-dee, that's all, folks!
TMGTTM-NephewOfFrankenstein2
Fade to a spoof of the Merrie Melodies end title — "That's Awful Folks".


Backstage

As the firemen rush onstage, Beauregard wheels another screen onstage.
Scooter Beauregard!
Fireman (JN) Get the ladder! Get the fire chief!
TMGTTM-Backstage2
Scooter Oh, Rowlf — it's time for your silent movie piece.
Rowlf Yeah, but they just blew a hole in the movie screen.
Scooter Well, it's okay. We've got another one. But it's a tacky old screen.
Rowlf Oh, that's okay, it's only a tacky old movie. (goes onstage)

Tribute to the Silent Era

Main stage. Rowlf enters to a fanfare and sits at a piano.
Rowlf Thank you. Thank you. And now —
He hears some rattling behind the curtain.
Beauregard Sorry. I'm fixing the screen back here.
Rowlf Open the curtain!
The curtain opens. Beauregard runs offstage. Rowlf sits at the piano.
Rowlf Roll film. (begins playing) And now, the Sheik, in Eastern Promise.
In the film, Kermit appears as "the Sheik" in a desert setting with a camel. He says …
TMGTTM-SilentMovie1 TMGTTM-SilentMovie2
He walks over to a femininely dressed figure and kisses it.
TMGTTM-SilentMovie3
The figure is revealed to be Mulch.
Mulch "Hot cross bunnies" — I just got it! (laughs)
TMGTTM-SilentMovie
Rowlf And so, the talkies were born.
He finishes playing. Applause. Fade to the title card.
Title.gotomovies
Title.gotomovies
Applause.

Silent Strawberries

Main stage. Sam the Eagle stands in front of a fancy curtain as a fanfare plays.
Sam the Eagle Oh! Ahem. Good evening. Ahem. We are about to see the latest work of that great Scandinavian director, Ingmar Bergman.
Floyd Sam.
Sam the Eagle Hmm?
Floyd They sent the wrong film. This one isn't by Ingmar Bergman.
TMGTTM-Strawberries1
Sam the Eagle (gasp) That's terrible!
Floyd No, it's okay. It's by his brother, Gummo.
Sam the Eagle … Gummo Bergman?
Floyd Oh, good. You've heard of him.
Sam the Eagle Oh, uh … of course. Ahem.
Floyd Well, uh, here's the script. (hands it to him and exits)
Sam the Eagle Oh, yes, thank you very much. Ahem. Go away. And — and now, and now, ahem — because the film is not in English, I shall translate. Ahem. And now, Gummo Bergman's Silent Strawberries.
Strawberries1 Strawberries2
The curtain opens on a screen, where the B&W movie is projected. The Swedish Chef walks through a garden, carrying a pot and holding it in front of his face.
Swedish Chef (narrating in mock Swedish)
Sam the Eagle The narration says: "In my dream, I walked in the garden of my grandfather, as I did in childhood."
Swedish Chef (gasp!) — (mock Swedish)
Sam the Eagle "Suddenly, a serious figure appeared."
Strawberries3
The angel of death — Beaker — appears. The Chef trembles.
Beaker (meeps)
Sam the Eagle He says, "I am the angel of death."
Strawberries4
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish)
Sam the Eagle "But I am not ready to die."
Beaker (meeps)
Sam the Eagle "Ah. Well, if you do not wish death, how about a rubber chicken?"
Sam looks shocked. The Chef accepts the chicken.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) — der chïckëe! (mock Swedish)
Sam the Eagle Uh, uh, uh, uh, "Swell. I'll work up an act and join a traveling show. Here comes one now—"?
A showman — Kermit — appears.
Strawberries5
Kermit (mock Swedish)
Sam the Eagle "Hey-ho, Olaf the Frog here, with another great show for you" — this is not right!
Enter Fozzie.
Strawberries6
Fozzie Aaah. (tells a joke in mock Swedish) … snøögå møët-bålls! Aaah!
Swedish Chef (laughs)
Sam the Eagle "What do you get when you add sugar to hamburger — sweetish meatballs." What is going on?
Fozzie Aaah. Drüskå, drüskå, drüskå.
Sam the Eagle … "Wocka wocka wocka."
Kermit (mock Swedish) — de müsïk nümbêr.
TMGTTM-Strawberries2
They sing "Hooray for Hollywood" in mock Swedish.
Sam the Eagle What — hold! Who did this to me? That does it! (tosses the book) Who did this? I want no part of this! That's it!
Sam exits. The cast continues singing in mock Swedish. Sam comes back.
Sam the Eagle Stop it right — Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! (exits)
The screen reads "DU ENDE". The curtain closes.
Sam the Eagle "The end". Yuchh! (exits)
Waldorf I don't believe in all that "angel of death" nonsense.
Statler Well, then don't look over your shoulder.
Waldorf Oh, you can't fool me with that one.
Whatnot (LG) (appears behind him) Popcorn?
Waldorf, startled, falls out of the balcony. Statler laughs.
Statler Just one, thanks. (laughs)

Casablanca

Kermit and Piggy stand in front of an airplane.
Announcer A tribute to Casablanca.
Kermit Last night, we said a great many things. You said I was to do the thinking for both of us. Well, I've done a lot of it since then, and it all adds up to just one thing.
Piggy's hat blows off as the wind gets stronger. Kermit raises his voice as the plane's motor gets louder.
Kermit (cont'd) You're getting on that plane with Victor, where you belong. If that plane leaves the ground and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life!
TMGTTM-Casablanca
Kermit (cont'd) LOOK — I'M NOT GOOD AT BEING NOBLE, BUT IT DOESN'T TAKE MUCH TO SEE THAT THE PROBLEMS OF THREE LITTLE PEOPLE WON'T AMOUNT TO A HILL OF BEANS IN THIS CRAZY WORLD! SOMEDAY YOU'LL UNDERSTAND THAT!
The wind blows Piggy away.
Kermit HERE'S LOOKING FOR YOU, KID!

"Act Naturally"

TMGTTM-ActNaturally06
Backstage, Beauregard watches as Floyd and Janice perform "Act Naturally".

Small in the Saddle

A fanfare plays as Dudley stands onstage.
TMGTTM-Dudley
Dudley Motion pictures have always meant entertainment. But there are those few rare examples of the filmmaker's craft that transcend the norm and cross over into the world of art. Of this more profound genre, I favor most the work of the French directors, the great French directors — subtle, enigmatic, sophisticated. That is why I have asked the Muppets to leave well enough alone, and do instead their tasteless tribute to the Western.
TMGTTM-Small1 TMGTTM-Small2
The curtain raises, revealing the logo "A Tantamount Picture". A fly lands on the screen, and is immediately swatted with a swatter. Fade to a title: "Small in the Saddle".
Two Whatnot cowboys ride together on horses.
Cowboy (JN) Think we're gainin' on him, Sheriff!
Two Whatnot bandits ride cows.
Bandit (SW) They're gainin' on us, Joe!
Bandit (DG) Well, they ain't a-got us yet, Jeb boy! And if'n I die, I'm a-gonna die with my boots on.
Bandit (SW) You ain't got time to stop and change your shoes now!
He fires at the two cowboys.
Cowboy (RH) I say, we don't seem to be gettin' any closer.
Cowboy (JN) Well, the preacher man says that if you wanna get close to people, you gotta try community singin'!
Horse 1 I don't believe this!
Horse 2 They're going to sing!
The cowboys and bandits sing "Ragtime Cowboy Joe".
Cowboy (JN) Hey, we're gainin' on him, Sheriff!
It's revealed that the bandits are behind them, not in front of them. Lew Zealand rows by in a rowboat.
Cowboy (RH) Whoa! Hey — we've been doin' this wrong!
Voice Now THAT's wrong!
TMGTTM-Small3 TMGTTM-Small4
They all fire their pistols and holler. Applause. A cow appears next to Statler.
Statler Say, Waldorf, were some of those horses cows?
Cow (Waldorf's voice) No, I don't think so. (laughs, licks Statler)

Tarzan and Jane

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Lily Tomlin, starring in Tarzan and Jane! She plays Jane.
The curtain opens on a jungle setting.
Lily (gasp) Can I believe my eyes? A he-man with rippling muscles, come to carry me off to his jungle abode.
A yell is heard. Tarzan swings on a vine, and turns out to be … Gonzo.
Tarzan.tomlin
Gonzo Me Tarzan, you Jane.
Lily Forget it.
She pulls the vine down, and it retracts, yanking Gonzo away from her.

Backstage

Kermit and some penguins watch from backstage.
Kermit Oh, that's a great stunt.
He looks at the rundown, then notices Beauregard.
Kermit Oh — Beauregard, next up is your tribute to the Hollywood stuntmen.
Beauregard Oh, you mean that part of the movie where I did that real car driving?
Kermit Uh — yeah. Mm-hm.
Beauregard Oh, goody goody! I'll go watch me. (leaves)
Kermit Uh, Beauregard?
Beauregard Yes?
Kermit Uh, Beauregard, the screen is that way.
Beauregard Oh. Sorry. I never did have a very good sense of direction. (goes onstage)
Kermit You can tell that by watching the movie.
Another clip from the movie is played, in which Beauregard drives Kermit, Fozzie and Gonzo back to the Happiness Hotel.

"Heat Wave"

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you. Thank you. And now, ladies and gentlemen, a song made famous by the legendary Marilyn Monroe, performed tonight by my favorite pig singer, and her penguins!
TMGTTM-HeatWave
"Heat Wave," from Irving Berlin's musical As Thousands Cheer, is sung by Miss Piggy, backed by the penguins, where it snows in the end.

Backstage

The penguins come backstage, followed by Piggy.
Kermit Okay! Nice going, penguins. Yes. (imitates their noises) Yes, right. Oh, Miss Piggy, Miss Piggy, you were sensational in that.
Miss Piggy I think I got frostbite from the finale.
Two laughing penguins go by.
Kermit Uh — yeah. Listen, don't let that worry you. You were great.
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Miss Piggy Oh! What a sweet thing to say. But I would like people to see what a great singer and dancer my little Kermie-kins is.
Kermit Oh, well, I dunno, what would I do?
Miss Piggy Well — the Fred Astaire tribute you did in The Great Muppet Caper?
Kermit Uh, no — I think I'll wait and let people see that in the theater.
Miss Piggy Oh, why wait? Ahem — roll film!
Steppin Out
Another clip from the movie is played, from "Steppin' Out with a Star". Applause.
Statler You ever seen my tap-dance routine?
Waldorf No.
Statler reveals a water tap and makes it dance.
Statler (scatting)
Waldorf Statler?
Statler Huh?
Waldorf punches him in the face and laughs.

Goon With the Wind

TMGTTM-Goon1 Casablanca GO TO MOVIES
Piggy (as Scarlett) lies in Dudley's (Rhett) arms as buildings burn behind them.
Miss Piggy (sigh)
Dudley Scarlett …
Miss Piggy Rhett …
Dudley … this is the end.
Miss Piggy Oh! Already?
Dudley Our world lies in ruins, burning on the horizon.
Miss Piggy Oh, Rhett — I have a heavy heart tonight.
Dudley tries not to lose his grip.
Dudley You're telling me!
Miss Piggy (grunts) — Oh … and yet, our love burns brighter than the city of Atlanta.
Dudley Our love is like a beacon — a flame that you have kindled in my heart.
Miss Piggy (drawls) An all-consuming passion, fanned by desire into a raging inferno of romance!
Dudley Scarlett, who could put out a fire like that?
Firemen We can!
Dudley drops Piggy as the firemen rush on the scene and spray their hoses.
Fireman (DG) Uh, 'scuse me, buddy — you dropped your pig.
Miss Piggy (gets up, grunting) Oh, rats!
Dudley Uh — it's … it's "Rhett" actually. Rhett Butler, not "Rats Butler".
The firemen spray in all directions, even hitting the camera.
Dudley Uh, excuse me …
Miss Piggy Will you quit — what are you doing? Will you knock it off?? KERMIT!!
Statler That was a wonderful number!
Waldorf Yes, let's give 'em three big cheers!
Three chairs are thrown at them.
Both That's "cheers"! Not "chairs"!

A Frog Too Far / Finale

Main stage. Lew Zealand enters.
Lew Zealand Next on the show is my very favorite kind of motion picture. And here's our special guest star, Lily Tomlin, in a war movie! (laughs)
TMGTTM-TooFar1 TMGTTM-TooFar2
Open on a canteen, where a trio of female frogs sing "Apple Blossom Time" as a band plays. Piggy works as a waitress, waiting on tables for service frogs.
Kermit (narrating) It was 1943. We had come a long way from Pearl Harbor and had a long way to go to D-Day. I was in England, waiting for orders, killing time at a USO club.
Piggy approaches him at a table and smacks her lips.
Miss Piggy Can I get you anything else, soldier?
Kermit Yeah. Bring me another grasshopper. Oh, and a root beer to go with it. Those grasshoppers are pretty salty.
Piggy laughs and saunters away, still hoping to be noticed.
Kermit (narrating) Frankly, I had gone to the USO club that night because I was lonely. I just had that feeling, maybe I'd get lucky. Maybe I'd meet Miss Right. The girl of my dreams. But I didn't see a soul.
Piggy growls and storms off.
Kermit (narrating) As I sat there, listening to the music, I got to thinking of home, and the girl I'd left behind.
Fade to a flashback of Kermit and Lily at a train station.
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Lily Oh, Kermit, not today. You just can't be leaving today.
Kermit I'm afraid so, Francine. They're shipping me out. England.
Lily Oh, gee whiz. This gosh-awful war is just ruining everything.
Kermit It won't be long, honey. We'll win this war, and then I'll be home, and then, well, you know.
Lily Golly me. We'll be married.
Kermit That's right, Francine.
Lily (embraces him) We'll be Kermit and Francine the Frog.
Kermit But first — but first I gotta fly some planes for Uncle Sam.
Lily Oh, my brave, brave soldier. (embraces him again) Oh, Kermit …
Kermit Hmm?
Lily … war is heck.
Fade to another scene of Kermit in a plane with the emblem "The Flying Frogs".
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Kermit (narrating) And so I said goodbye to Francine and went out to do the dirty job that had to be done.
Kermit (gasp) Bandits at 12:00!
Voice (over intercom) But it's already quarter past three!
Kermit No, no, bandits at 12:00!
Voice (over intercom) Okay. Lunch!
Kermit grimaces. Machine gun fire is heard. Fade to an aircraft hangar, with Lily playing a female mechanic.
Lily Well, your plane's ready to fly, ace. (slaps him) I just ripped that there crate's engines down and put 'em back the way they oughta be.
TMGTTM-TooFar5
Kermit Gee, a lady mechanic.
Lily You betcha, buster. You've heard of Rosie the Riveter. Well, meet Gloria the Greasemonkey-ess. (tightens his scarf)
Kermit Hi, Gloria. I'm Kermit the Frog.
Lily Well, hubba-hubba, you are some kinda cute stuff, flyboy. (pinches his cheek)
Kermit Heh-heh, yeah …
Lily I'm pleased to meetcha. (vigorously shakes his hand)
Kermit Oh — well — I'm pleased to meet you too, Gloria. Uh, hey, listen, I have a — I have a mission to fly, but when I get back, maybe I could buy you a root beer.
Lily Well, I'd love it. We could play the jukebox and cut a rug …
Kermit Yeah? Whoaaaa…
TMGTTM-TooFar6
Lily Oh, I love root beer, it greases my gears. Gets the old transmission turnin'.
Kermit (yelps)
Lily Oh, that was fun.
Kermit (giggles) Oh, you're really something, Gloria.
Lily I could get a case of the Andy Hardys over you.
Kermit Hmm?
Lily Did anybody ever tell you, you got eyes like ping-pong balls floating in green motor oil.
Kermit Yeah. Contact.
She kisses him as we dissolve to another scene of Kermit going down in the plane.
Kermit (narrating) But I never saw Gloria again. The next mission was the one I didn't walk away from.
TMGTTM-TooFar7
Kermit Francine was right. War IS heck!
Dissolve to another scene: the hospital. Lily plays a British nurse at Kermit's aid.
Kermit (narrating) After that, I blacked out. And when I woke up …
Lily (removes thermometer) Splendid.
Kermit It's no use. I can't remember a thing.
Lily Oh, no, you mustn't say that.
Kermit Mustn't say what? I told you I can't remember a thing.
TMGTTM-TooFar8
Lily No, amnesia's often temporary. You can remember, and you will.
Kermit But I don't even know my own name.
Lily Here, let me help you. Your hand — look at it. What color is it?
Kermit Why … it's green.
Lily Yes. Yes.
Kermit I'm … I'm an avocado!
Lily No, no, no. Here, your foot. Tickle tickle tickle.
Kermit (laughs)
Lily Look at it.
Kermit Yes, it's — it's flipper-shaped.
Lily It is.
Kermit I'm an avocado with flippers.
Lily Oh, no, no, you must think harder. You must think. Think …
Kermit Uh … well … I'm … I'm a frog. I'm a frog. I'm Kermit the Frog! I remember!
Lily Oh, I knew you would! I told you you'd remember!
Kermit Yes, but it was you! All those weeks, nursing me back to health …
Lily It was really just my job.
Kermit You know, you're really very beautiful.
Lily Thanks so very.
Kermit Would you marry me?
Lily Oh, I'm afraid not.
Kermit But why not?
Lily You see, I'm a nun.
She reveals rosary beads. Fade back to the canteen.
Kermit (narrating) So there I was, in 1943, a long way from Pearl Harbor and a long way to D-Day. Alone and lonely. And then suddenly, I saw her.
Piggy appears before him, and he lightens up.
Kermit (narrating) There she was, like a dream, like a vision! Just as I had always hoped she'd be!
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Kermit My darling!
He runs past Piggy, and into Francine's arms.
Kermit Francine!!
Lily (salutes) That's Corporal Francine to you, Private … darling.
Kermit Oh, wow! Waitress — grasshoppers for everybody!
Everyone cheers except Piggy.
Miss Piggy Hey, wait a minute — hold it, hold it. Hey — what about me?
Lily Oh, you can have grasshoppers too.
TMGTTM-TooFar10 TMGTTM-TooFar11 TMGTTM-TooFar12
Everyone cheers except Piggy. They all launch into a rendition of "We'll Meet Again", accompanied by Dudley and all the Muppets from the previous segments. The theater doors close, and the marquee sign is shown. Applause.

Credits

Kermit opens the stage door as the Muppets exit one by one.
Kermit Okay, everybody out. Locking up. Locking up. Nice show, Floyd. … Everybody out, guys.
Gonzo Here comes the bus.
Kermit Good show, Fozzie.
Fozzie Hmm. I think "hot cross bunnies" was too hip for 'em.
Miss Piggy Well, it was too something for them. Heh heh.
Kermit Yeah, okay.
Miss Piggy Shall we go, dear?
Kermit Yeah, let me just lock up the doors here.
Miss Piggy Mm-hm.
Kermit Locking up! (closes the doors)
Miss Piggy Will you walk me to the tube?
Kermit Oh, sure.
Miss Piggy I love to walk to the tube.
Kermit Mm-hm.
Miss Piggy I'll race you! (giggles)
They start running. Meanwhile, Lily and Dudley try to budge the doors from inside.
Lily Help!!
Dudley The door's locked!
Lily Help us! … We should've left when we could have.
Dudley Help!
Fade to black.

Credits (alternate)

Kermit opens the stage door and watches the Muppets exit one by one.
Fozzie Hmm. I think "hot cross bunnies" was too hip for 'em.
Miss Piggy Well, it was too something for them.
Kermit Yeah.
Miss Piggy Shall we go, dear?
Kermit Okay, let me just lock up here. Everybody out! We're locking up! (closes the doors)
Miss Piggy Kermie?
Kermit Just a second … hmm?
Miss Piggy Why did you put the penguins in the "Heat Wave" number?
Kermit Uh … I dunno. They — they made you look good, uh, Piggy.
Miss Piggy Made me look good.
Kermit Mm-hm.
Miss Piggy Oh.
They walk away. Meanwhile, Lily and Dudley try to budge the doors from inside.
Lily Help!!
Dudley The door's locked!
Lily Help us! … We should've left when we could have.
Fade to black.