Episode 406: Linda Lavin/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 406: Linda Lavin.

Cold open

	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door.
Linda	Come in.
Scooter	Linda Lavin.
Linda	Yes, Scooter?
Scooter	Fifteen seconds to curtain, Linda.
Linda	(brushing her hair) Oh, thanks.
Scooter	Say, uh, can I get'cha anything?
Linda	Well, you could make me a sandwich.
Scooter	Okay, you're a sandwich.
	BOOM! In a flash of smoke, Linda is turned into a sandwich.
Linda	Everybody's a comedian.
	Scooter laughs.

Theme

Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Linda Lavin! Yaaay!
	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
	Four chickens are seated with Statler and Waldorf in their box.
Waldrof	Now, watch this show carefully and you'll learn a lot about laying an egg! (laughs with Statler)
	As Gonzo blows his horn, he disappears in small portions (like a blind).

Opening number

	Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show! Hey, you're gonna have a great time tonight because our guest star is that terrific actress and star of musical comedy, Miss Linda Lavin! So, it's going to be a wonderful show!
	Miss Piggy steps in behind Kermit.
Piggy	Actually, it's not.
Kermit	Miss Piggy! (crowd cheers)
Piggy	Oh, thank you. Thank you. Kissy kissy! Thank you, thank you. Excusez-moi, Kermie. But, I have an announcement to make.
Kermit	Yeah? What is that?
Piggy	Tonight's show...is cancelled!
Kermit	(stammers) B-but, you can't cancel the show! Uh, the first act is all ready to go on - Zuzu Fitzwaller, the Hungarian Water Juggler.
Piggy	(shakes her head) No, he isn't.
Kermit	"He isn't?" How come?
Piggy	Because...Kermit the Frog... (timpani drumroll plays) ...this is your birthday!
	The curtains open. Linda, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Floyd, Rowlf and Camilla enter, singing "Happy Birthday to You" as Piggy conducts them.
Gonzo	Speech! Speech!
Kermit	I-I really don't know what to say.
Linda	No, no. Sorry, we don't have time for speeches. We got too much to do! (all begin to scatter)
Piggy	That's right! Off, off! Everyone off! Off, off! Backstage! Yes, close the curtains! Close them! That's it.
Kermit	Okay. Well, uh, all right, folks, I don't know what that was all about. But, uh, at last we can get back to our show, so here's our first act - Zuzu Fitzwaller, the Hungarian Water Juggler! Yaaay!
	Kermit waves his arms and exits. Piggy remains put.
Piggy	I sent him home.
Kermit	(re-enters) You did what?
Piggy	Mm-hmm.
Kermit	Yeah, b-but-but, this is supposed to be a show! What are people going to watch?!
Piggy	What else? In honor of your birthday...
Kermit	What?
	Music begins.
Piggy	(singing) I'll remember forever when I was but three
Kermit	What is this?
Piggy	Mama, who was clever, remarking to me, "If dear, when you grow up, you want everything nice..."
Kermit	Yeah?
Piggy	"You've got your future sewn up if you take this advice."
Kermit	But, what is this?
Piggy	Now!
Kermit	Piggy!
	Piggy pushes Kermit offstage. The curtains open, revealing a set piece of Kermit's head, adorned with a birthday candle. A chorus of frogs dances in, wearing versions of Kermit's collar. They begin to sing their own version of "Be a Clown" - "Be a Frog."
Frogs	Be a frog, be a frog All the world loves a frog
Green Frog	Learn to croak (jump cut to blue frog)
Blue Frog	Learn to hop!
Frogs	And you'll find you wind up on top Dress in green, bug your eyes If you wink, they'll think you're so wise
	A cow and horse enter, both with Kermit eyes and collars.
Cow	If you're a cow, your diet will be nothing but hay
Horse	If you're a horse, they'll think that "neigh" is all you can say
Company	But folks'll sing about How you went courtin' one day Be a frog, be a frog, be a frog
	A chorus of pigs appear around the Kermit set piece, all resembling Kermit. A soloist pig appears in the foreground.
Pigs	Be a frog, be a frog All the world loves a frog
Male Pig	You'll be sharp as a knife As you climb the tadpole of life!
	The pigs appear in a hexagon grid.
Pigs	Swim in top, proper schools You'll be asked to all the best pools
	Robin appears in the center of the grid.
Robin	Had a famous fairy tale and every day since I haven't had much trouble when I try to convince The ladies, if they kiss me, they'll be kissing a prince
	The pigs and frogs all appear in a much larger grid.
Company	Be a frog, be a frog
	Piggy appears the center, in her own Kermit attire.
Piggy	Oh my golly, pollywog
Company	Be a frog, be a frog, be a frog!
	Piggy bows, as the pigs and frogs ribbit.
Waldorf	Yeah, seriously, we should give the frog a birthday present.
Statler	Like what?
Waldorf	How 'bout a nice bottle of pig repellent! (both laugh)

Backstage

	Kermit grimaces and shakes his head as Piggy and three pigs pass by.
Piggy	Oh, yes, that was fabulous! Oh ho, you pigs make wonderful frogs!
Kermit	Uh, hey, us frogs make pretty good frogs too, ya' know.
	Zuzu Fitzwaller approaches Kermit at his desk.
Zuzu	You...you cancelled my act.
Kermit	Oh, good grief. It's Zuzu Fitzwaller, the Hungarian Water Juggler. Uh, lis-listen, Zuzu. I-I'm sorry about that, you see, but i-it wasn't me. I didn't cancel the act.
Zuzu	I practiced and I practiced! I was going to juggle a whole bucket full! (sobs)
Kermit	I-is it hard?
Zuzu	The trick is hard, the water's soft. (resumes crying)
Kermit	Oh, I-I'm sorry that the act was canceled, Zuzu.
Zuzu	My girl, Gloria, came all the way from Pittsburg to see me... (resumes crying)
Kermit	Well, I-I tell you what. Li-listen, you're back on! I'm gonna go introduce you right now, Zuzu. (exits)
Zuzu	Wha, yes?
	Piggy enters, as Fozzie rushes by in the background. Zuzu looks toward the stage eagerly.
Piggy	All right, uh, Fozzie! Stand by, yeah, for the, uh, first of the special guests. Go, go, go! Uh...Fitzwaller?
Zuzu	Yes?
Piggy	(light chuckle) I thought I told you - you got the axe.
	Zuzu makes his way to the stage, sobbing once more.

Mr. Dawson / "The More I See You"

Kermit	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, and especially Gloria, at this time, I take great pride in presenting, uh...
	As Kermit speaks, Zuzu wanders in behind, sobbing. He rushes up to the front of the stage.
Zuzu	Oh, Gloria! I'm not going to be on! They gave me the axe! (sobs)
Kermit	No, no, no, no, no, wait a second, Zuzu...
	Zuzu exits, crying, as Fozzie steps out of the curtains.
Fozzie	Yes, Kermit the Frog....
Kermit	Hmmm?
Fozzie	This is your birthday! Yes, yes, yes! We have a whole evening of birthday greetings planned for you!
Kermit	Oh no.
	Miss Piggy, Rowlf, Gonzo, Scooter, a pig, Zuzu, Beauregard and Linda watch from the wings.
Linda	How's it going, Piggy?
Piggy	Oh, wonderful!
Linda	Piggy, you've made such a wonderful night for Kermit.
Piggy	Ah, yeah, well, I would do anything for my Kermie. I am pulling out all stops!
Linda	Really going hog wild, huh?
	Miss Piggy grimaces and stares at Linda as everyone laughs, and Zuzu cries. Gonzo gives Piggy a tap on the arm.
Linda	It's a figure of speech.
	Back on the stage...
Fozzie	Kermit the Frog, here is the first of your birthday greetings. Do you recognize this voice?
Mr. Dawson	(off-screen) Kermit, do you remember all the time we spent working on breathing exercises?!
Kermit	Oh...I-I don't believe it. I-it's Mr. Dawson, my old acting coach!
Fozzie	Yes! All the way from Leland, Mississippi...
Kermit	Yeah?!
Fozzie	...your old acting coach, Mr. Dawson!
	The curtains open and Mr. Dawson steps out, flailing his arms about and shouting with joy. The two frogs embrace, then flail and shout together.
Kermit	Oh, Mr. Dawson! How great to see you!
Mr. Dawson	Oh, it's wonderful to be here!
Kermit	Oh!
Mr. Dawson	What a terrific birthday party this is! Ahhh! (flails his arms)
Kermit	(waving his arms as well) I don't believe it! It's my old acting teacher!
Mr. Dawson	Yes, what a treat! Ahhh! (exits)
Fozzie	So, that's where he learned that!
Zuzu	(appearing onstage) Gloria! I'll meet you in the parking lot after the show! (sobs)
Kermit	Uh, Zuzu...Zuzu, listen, I meant to tell you...
Mr. Dawson	(re-entering) Young man, young man! That is no way to cry onstage!
Zuzu	What?
Mr. Dawson	If you're gonna cry, cry! Waaaa!
	Mr. Dawson waves his arms as he pretends to cry. Zuzu waves his bucket around, imitating. Fozzie whips out a tissue and starts crying as well.
Kermit	Listen everybody...you guys...off the stage! Off, off, off, out, out, out! Off, out, out, out! (ushers everyone offstage) Uh, I gotta introduce our guest star. Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Miss Linda Lavin!
	The curtains open, revealing Linda, the Electric Mayhem and a trio of back-up frogs. The band vamps in between Linda's lines.
Linda	I wanna dedicate this song to Kermit. On your birthday, Kermit. Ay, happy birthday. Guys, let 'er rip!
	Linda and the group perform "The More I See You." After the song, Statler looks over the edge of the box toward the house.
Waldorf	Hey, what are you doing?
Statler	I dropped my gum. Hey, lady! Would you toss my gum up?
	A blonde wig is thrown up into the theater box.
Statler	You coulda taken it out of the wig first!
Waldorf	(laughs)

Backstage

	Linda walks down from the dressing rooms backstage to the Swedish Chef.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) Linda!
Linda	So glad to see ya'! I was hoping we could get a chance to talk. I'm a great admirer of your work.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) P'shaw.
Linda	Well, I mean it sincerely.
Swedish Chef	Yeah?
Linda	Yeah.
Swedish Chef	Oh.
Linda	So, what have you done for Kermit's birthday? Somethin' special, huh?
Swedish Chef	Oh! (mock Swedish) Smorgas-froggy! Hmm?
	The Swedish Chef reveals his project - a a slab of copped liver carved in Kermit's likeness.
Linda	Is that a, uh...frog made out of chopped liver?
Swedish Chef	Ja, ja, ja! (mock Swedish) chopped liver-froggy! (hums)
Linda	...chopped liver frog. Isn't that somethin'? Sure is original and sure does look like Kermit.
Swedish Chef	Mmm-hmm.
Linda	Except, um, that you forgot the eyes.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) forgot de googlies? Oooo...
Linda	Yeah, but wait, look. I-with these, uh, eggies, you can make googlies. Look. (places eggs on the sculpture) How 'bout that?
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) de googlies.
Linda	What do you think?
Swedish Chef	Oh! Mmmm, mmm.
Linda	(places the pupils on the eyes) And little pieces of, you know, pimento? Looks good?
Swedish Chef	(inspecting the piece) Ja, ja! De Kermie googlies.
Linda	It's really nice.
Swedish Chef	Mmm-hmmm.
Linda	Except it's not green.
Swedish Chef	(inquisitive mock Swedish)
Linda	Uh, green. Well, it's a frog. Kermit is green. But, uh...
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish)
Linda	Well, it's all right. He's...he's, uh, tan and, uh...
Swedish Chef	(interjects in mock Swedish)
	The Swedish Chef grabs a can of green spray paint.
Linda	No, uh...oh, no. You do't, uh, you don't wanna, uh, spray it with spray paint...
	The Swedish Chef spins his creation around, spraying it green. He hums "Bein' Green" to himself as he does so. Applause sounds when he finishes and probes Linda for her opinion.
Linda	Well, uh, I've heard of liverwurst, but this...is liver-terrible.

UK spot

	Robin, seated beside a small pond in a glade, sings "Frog Kissin'," accompanied by a trio of frogs in guitar and banjo.
Statler	Ever kissed a frog before?
Waldorf	Never!
	Three frogs, including an elderly one pop up.
Elderly Frog	No time like the present!
	She kisses them both. She laughs as the geezers grimace.

Veterinarian's Hospital

	Nurse Piggy inspects a cart of medical equipment, getting her snout stuck. She then pulls it loose and approaches the operating table.
Announcer	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf	Okay, where's the first patient, Nurse Janice?
Janice	Here he is, Dr. Bob. Little Robin.
	Dr. Bob pulls down the covers and finds Robin on the operating table.
Rowlf	Ah!
Piggy	(gasps)
Rowlf	That doesn't look like a robin. Looks like a little toad. (all medics laugh)
Robin	I'm not a toad, I'm a frog! My name is Robin.
Rowlf	"Robin." That's a dumb name for a frog.
Robin	Yeah? Wait 'til I tell my Uncle Kermit.
Rowlf	Oh, yeah, Kermit. I forgot about him. Dumb names must run in the family. (laughs with Janice)
Janice	Oh, fer sure.
Piggy	Ah. (clears throat) Cool it, Dr. Bob, or your name'll be "Mud." Hmm.
Rowlf	Oh, sorry. I forgot about you and the frog.
Piggy	Mmm-hmmm. That's all right. Oh, but, just be careful of my dear little dear here. He'll soon be a relative of mine.
Robin	What?!
Piggy	Mmm-hmmm. When I marry your Uncle Kermie, I'll become your Aunt Piggy. (kisses Robin)
Robin	(grimaces) Yuch.
Piggy	Why you-
Rowlf	Uh, wait, wait, wait. I can't let you harm the patient. I'm a doctor, that's my job! (laughs with Janice)
Robin	Listen, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm only here because it's a salute to frogs.
Piggy	Hmph. The night is young. (Rowlf laughs)
Janice	Dr. Bob, I haven't had a line in five minutes!
Rowlf	Count your blessings.
Janice	Well, one, I'm rully beautiful... (Piggy groans)
Rowlf	To yourself.
Janice	To everybody! (medics all groan)
Robin	I don't understand this. Can I go now?
Rowlf	No, not 'til we come to the end.
Announcer	And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
	The medics all search for the source of the voice. Piggy then puts Robin's arm in a stranglehold.
Announcer	Tune in next week where you'll hear Robin say...
Robin	OW, Miss Piggy, you're hurting my arm!
Piggy	Say it!
Robin	Uncle! (her grip tightens) Ah, Aunt!
Piggy	Awww.
Janice	Fer sure.
	Piggy lets go as they all laugh. Piggy gives Robin another kiss.

"It Was a Very Good Year"

Waldorf	You know, I hate to admit it, but I'm enjoying Kermit's birthday party.
Statler	Yeah, me too. Hey, when was your last birthday, Waldorf?
Waldorf	(chuckles) Years ago. Eh.
Statler	(laughs) Yeah, I stopped havin' 'em too. (both laugh)
Waldorf	Yep.
Statler	Yeah. Still, there were some pretty good years.
Waldorf	Oh, there were some very good years.
Statler	Yeah. Huh. When I was seventeen... (music begins)
Waldorf	Hmm?
Statler	It was a very good year.
Waldorf	Yeah. (singing) It was a very good year For small town girls and soft summer nights...
Statler	Oh, yes. We'd hide from the lights
Waldorf	(chuckles) You too, huh?
Statler	Mmmm. On a village, green
Both	When we were seventeen
Statler	(laughs with Waldorf, then sighs) Oh. When I was twenty-one
Waldorf	Yeah?
Statler	It was a very good year
Waldorf	Hmmm.
Statler	It was a very good year For city girls who lived up the stair
Waldorf	Heh, yeah.
Statler	With perfumed hair
Waldorf	Hmmm?
Statler	That came undone
Waldorf	Hmmm.
Statler	When I was twenty-one (chuckles)
Waldorf	Yeah. I don't remember that long ago.
Statler	(laughs)
Waldorf	How 'bout when you were sixty-three?
Statler	Oh, that was a year!
Waldorf	Hmm?
Statler	Yeah.
Waldorf	I broke my hip.
Statler	Huh?
Waldorf	Got to flirt with the nurse all year! (both laugh)
Statler	Yeah, well, my third wife left me. Ah, what a terrific year. (both laugh) W-what about when you were seventy-four?
Waldorf	Nah. That was the year my rheumatism came back.
Statler	Yeah, so did my third wife. (both laugh)
Waldorf	What a terrible year.
Statler	Oh, indeed, yeah. But now the days are short I'm in the autumn of the year
Waldorf	Huh. Now I think of my life As vintage wine from fine old kegs
Statler	Hmm. From the brim to the dregs
Both	It poured sweet and clear It was a very good year
	Waldorf puts his arm around Statler as the two nod.

Wayne and Wanda

	Kermit looks out onstage from the wings.
Kermit	Oh, good grief! Nothing's onstage. (walks on to fanfare) Uh, uh, listen, ladies and gentlemen. I-I'm sorry that we haven't be able to get more of the regular show on so far, but I think now thinks are back to normal.
	Scooter peeks out from behind the curtains.
Scooter	Wanna bet?
Kermit	Scooter, what are you doing out here?
Scooter	(approaches Kermit) Kermit the Frog...this is your birthday!
Kermit	(startled) Again?
Scooter	You recognize these voices?
Wanda	(off-screen) Kermit, we really enjoyed the year we spent on your show.
Wayne	(off-screen) Yes, there were great times.
Kermit	Oh, I don't believe it! I-it's our ol' singing duo, Wayna and Wanda!
	The curtains open, revealing Wayne and Wanda. They all embrace.
Wayne	Kermit!
Kermit	Oh, look at us!
Wayne	Oh, Kermit!
Kermit	Oh, hi, Wanda! Hello, Wayne! Ah, you look wonderful! Yeah! Oh, i-it must be nearly a year since we've seen each other.
Wanda	Well, it's twenty-six months, exactly. (giggles)
Wayne	Hmmm. Since the day you fired us!
Wanda	Right.
Kermit	(stammers) Fired you? Di-did I do that?
Wanda	Oh, don't worry, Kermit. We're getting along just great.
Kermit	Oh, good.
Wayne	Hmmm. I'm fulfilling my lifetime ambition as a manual laborer!
Wanda	Ah! Now, now, Wayne, you know we get along fine what with what we get from my mother...out of her pension money.
Wayne	Hmmm. It's amazing how one can survive after one's career has been shot down.
	Kermit is aghast over what he hears.
Wanda	Yes. Uh, by the way, Kermit.
Kermit	Hmm?
Wanda	Why did you fire us?
Kermit	Oh, I-I don't...it's been such a long time ago, I don't really remember why I fired you. I-I tell you what.
Wanda	What?
Kermit	Right now, on this very spot, I'm gonna re-hire you!
Wayne and Wanda	(gasp)
Kermit	Yes!
Wayne	No!
Kermit	Yes I will! Ladies and gentlemen, here they are once again, Wayne and Wanda!
Wayne	Wanda! Oh, Wanda, my dear.
	The curtains open to a romantic backdrop as the orchestra begins to play "Ah, Sweet Mystery of Life."
Wayne and Wanda	Ah, sweet mystery of life At last I've found you (off-key) Noooowww....
	Kermit rushes in and cuts them off.
Kermit	Hey, wait, wait, now I remembered why I fired you! You're fired again! Get out, get out, get out!
Wayne	But...but...twice? Twice?!
	Kermit forces them off the stage.

Dressing room

	Linda helps Piggy with her look for the closing number in the dressing room.
Piggy	Oh, this next number means so much to moi. Oh, I am so tense!
Linda	Yes, I know. (buttoning Piggy's outfit) You do seem to be...inhale, Piggy.
Piggy	(inhales)
Linda	Now, exhale.
Piggy	(exhales)
Linda	...at the breaking point. There you go. You're fine.
Piggy	Will, that hold?
Linda	Yes.
Piggy	Oh, how do I look?
Linda	Beautiful!
Piggy	Oh, do you like-you like everything?
Linda	I love it.
Piggy	You like the shoe-
	Miss Piggy bends over, when suddenly, her dress tears.
Piggy	Oh no!
Linda	What?
Piggy	How bad is it?
Linda	Where is it? Oh, Piggy, it's not good! Wait, um...
Piggy	Oh no!
	Miss Piggy rushes to the mirror to see the rip herself. She screams.
Scooter	(off-screen) Onstage for the final number!
Linda	Uh...oh, all right. Um, Piggy, um...no, Piggy...
Piggy	(simultaneously, panicked) "All right?!" I'm on! What do I do?!
Linda	Piggy...
	Linda snaps Piggy out of her episode by slapping her across the face. Her hair ends up covering most of her face.
Piggy	...thank you. (spits out hair) I needed that.
Linda	(whispering) I'm sorry.
Scooter	(off-screen) Curtain going up!
Linda	Yes, all right!
Piggy	(simultaneously) ALL RIGHT! (embraces Linda) Oh, what do I do, Linda?
Linda	Piggy...
Piggy	What do I do?! Oh...
Linda	Uh...I could do the number.
Piggy	...dear, you could do the number! Oh, thank you!
Linda	Oh, consider it done.
	Linda kisses Piggy's hand and exits.
Piggy	Ah, she could do the...she could do the number!? Must have been the slap.

"Beyond the Blue Horizon"

	Kermit enters onstage.
Kermit	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I promise there will be no more of this "birthday" nonsense. Instead, let us just sit back and enjoy our talented and charming guest star, the wonderful, Miss Linda Lavin!
	A stage hook grabs Kermit and drags him offstage. The curtains slowly open, revealing Linda atop a large, silhouetted set piece. She begins to sing "Beyond the Blue Horizon."
Linda	Beyond the blue horizon Waits a beautiful day Goodbye to things that bore you Joy is waiting for you You'll see a new horizon Your life has only begun Beyond the blue horizon Lies a rising sun!
	The set illuminates, revealing it to be a large birthday cake. Fozzie and Gonzo lead Kermit to the top, followed by several other Muppets, as they sing the verse twice more. Kermit comments as they make their way up, and Linda descends.
Gonzo	Come on, Kermit! Come on!
Kermit	Uh, hey, hey! What's going on? Hey, c'mon guys! Stop pushing, Fozzie! Uh, uh...okay, do you have to push?! Uh, I don't like heights! I'm sorry about this, Linda.
	Fozzie and Gonzo prop Kermit at the very top of the cake. Linda rises in the foreground as everyone builds to the big finale. Kermit grimaces.

Goodnights

	Kermit appears in front of the closing number scenery.
Kermit	Okay. Well, it's been a very surprising evening, particularly for me. But, before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Linda Lavin! Yaaay!
Linda	(entering) Thank you. Thank you, Kermit. Thank you. I wanna tell you it's been a very great pleasure for me to be here and to be able to celebrate your birthday with everybody.
Kermit	Uh...
Linda	C'mon, everybody, let's go!
	Scooter, Fozzie, Gonzo, Floyd, Camilla and Muppy enter.
Scooter	Yeah?
Linda	Fooorrrr....
All	He's a good good fellow For he's a golly good fellow For he's a golly good felloooowww
	As they sing, a large cake is wheeled in behind them.
Kermit	What is that?
	On cue, Miss Piggy pops out from inside the cake.
Scooter	Ahhh!
Piggy	Happy birthday, Kermie!
	Everyone laughs and cheers, until Kermit interjects.
Kermit	Uh, uh, listen, listen, everybody! I'm sorry, but I have a very embarrassing announcement to make...
Piggy	What?
Kermit	Uh, well, today is not my birthday. It's about four months from now.
Muppets	WHAT?!
Kermit	Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! Listen, I-I-I can explain. You see...
Piggy	Linda! Linda, did you hear that?! I'm gonna get you! I'm gonna get him!
	Chaos ensues as the closing theme begins.
Waldorf	Should old acquaintance be forgot...
Statler	Why are you singing that?
Waldorf	I forgot. (both laugh)