The Muppets Go to the Movies/transcript

Opening

Announcer	Ladies and gentlemen, stand by for the television event of the decade!
	A montage plays of scenes from the special, with emphasis on displayed words.
Announcer	Never before such EXCITEMENT! Never before such DANGER! Never before such PASSION! With guest star Dudley Moore! And special guest star Lily Tomlin! Look what the critics are saying…
Announcer	And now, the moment you've all been waiting for …
	Switch to a stone-carved monument with the title…
Announcer	The Muffets Go to the Movies!
Kermit	(off-screen) That's MUPPETS! The MUPPETS Go to the Movies!
Fozzie	Huh. I never could spell.
	He leans against the monument, and it falls over. The curtain closes.

"Hey a Movie"

	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause, wearing a white tux.
Kermit	Thank you! Thank you, thank you! Hi-ho and welcome! You know, long before we Muppets were making movies of our own, we loved just watching them. So tonight, we're going to recreate some of our favorite movie moments, with the help of our very special friends, Dudley Moore and Lily Tomlin! (audience aahs) Yes! So now, ladies and gentlemen, let's go to the movies!
	Open on a montage of movie moments, supported by the Muppets singing "Hey a Movie".
Statler	Well, up until now, I've always been interested in moving pictures.
Waldorf	What are you interested in now?
Statler	Moving out of here!
	They chuckle.

The Three Musketeers

	Fozzie comes out as his fanfare plays.
Fozzie	Hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya! Thank you! It is now time for the first of tonight's film tributes!
Statler	Too late. We're going.
	The two geezers exit.
Fozzie	Aha! Don't worry, folks. They'll be back. We tied elastic ropes around their ankles.
	They spring back into their seats.
Waldorf	Okay! We'll watch!
Statler & Waldorf	We'll watch!
Fozzie	Thank you. So. Here's my favorite movie of all time, one of the great swashbucklers, The Three Musketeers!
	The curtain opens on the title with a castle behind it in a picture frame.
Announcer	The year was 1796, and three men held the future of France by a single, slender thread.
	The Musketeers are played by Link Hogthrob, Gonzo and Scooter. Inside the castle, Link looks closely at a piece of string.
Gonzo	Ha-ha. Here we are in the castle of the cardinal, D'Escargot.
Scooter	(nods) Rumor has it that the cardinal will be kidnapped tonight! This must not happen.
Link Hogthrob	And it won't, because …
The three	We are the Three Musketeers, ta-da! (they cross swords)
Gonzo	Ha-ha. All for one and one for all!
Scooter	One for all and three for a quarter.
Link Hogthrob	♪ Quarter to three and no one in the place except you and me.
The three	♪ So set 'em up, Joe, we got a little story you oughta know.
Gonzo	(sneezes)
Scooter	Wait a minute!
Gonzo	What?
Scooter	Can this be right?
Gonzo	We are always right, my friend, because …
The three	We are the Three Musketeers, ta-da! (they cross swords)
Gonzo	Ha-ha! I'm Athos!
Scooter	I'm Porthos!
Link Hogthrob	I'm Gummo.
Scooter	Gummo?
Gonzo	A Musketeer named Gummo?
Link Hogthrob	Sure. You like my feather? (waves it in Gonzo's face)
Gonzo	(sneezes)
	A masked pig sneaks in.
Gonzo	Ah! Yonder is the kidnapper! Gentlemen, attack!
	Scooter and Gonzo charge towards the pig, making their own soundtrack as they do so. Link just stands there and cowers as the other two fight.
Scooter	Aha! The villain has dropped something! Perhaps it is a clue!
Link Hogthrob	(skewers it) It is a crumpet.
Scooter	A pumpernickel crumpet!
Gonzo	A pumpernickel crumpet? (continues fighting)
Scooter	And furthermore, it has lumps all over it!
Gonzo	A lumpy pumpernickel crumpet? (continues fighting)
Link Hogthrob	Huh. A crumpy lumpernickel pumpet?
Scooter	And in all of France, there is but one bakery that makes such a delicacy.
Gonzo	And that bakery is?
Scooter	Humperdinck's! (fights)
Gonzo	Egad! Humperdinck's lumpy pumpernickel crumpet?
Link Hogthrob	Egad! Humperdinck's lumpy humper-cumpel crumple-pumple?
Scooter	And who is the man who loves Humperdinck's lumpy pumpernickel crumpets beyond all things?
Others	We don't know! Who?
Scooter	That simple wimp, the Scarlet Pimpernel! (slides down banister) Wheeeee!
Gonzo	Yes it is! (with Scooter) It's that simple wimp Pimpernel and his Humperdinck's lumpy pumpernickel crumpet! Ta-da!
Link Hogthrob	Egad! It's that simple wimp Pimpernel, and his humpy humple-dumple … can we just get on with the story?
Scooter	Good idea. For there, the dreaded Scarlet Pimpernel is making his escape!
Gonzo	Yoikes, Porthos, thou art correct! Gummo, swing down on yon chandelier and capture yon Pimpernel!
Link Hogthrob	Why me? I'm not the strong one.
Scooter	No, you're the stupid one.
	Scooter pushes Link, who swings across the hall, then crashes out the window and lands backstage on Miss Piggy. He gets up.
Beauregard	Are you alright?
Link Hogthrob	I'm fine, but I think I broke your sofa.
	Piggy gets up.
Miss Piggy	Do you know what you just did?
Link Hogthrob	Yes, I flew through the air with the greatest of ease.
Miss Piggy	(grumbles)
Link Hogthrob	The audience loved it. They wanted an encore.
Miss Piggy	Well. Let us not disappoint them.
Link Hogthrob	Huh?
Miss Piggy	(karate-chops him away) Hi-YAH!

Invasion...

	Main stage.
Kermit	Some people believe in UFOs, or in other words …
	PLOP! Link lands on Kermit, then gets up, dazed.
Kermit	… unidentified falling objects. But now, Dudley Moore and Lily Tomlin in a UFO movie! (shoves Link) Get off, off …
	The curtain opens on a title: "Invasion of the Unpleasant Things from Outer Space". A helicopter flies by the window of an air force base. Dudley plays a colonel, whose mock Japanese dialogue is translated on-screen. He shouts into a walkie-talkie.
Dudley	(translated text) This is Colonel O'Malley of the United States Air Force. Can you hear me?
	Lily enters, her English dialogue translated into Japanese on-screen.
Lily	Oh — I hear you, sir. I brought your sushi burger, Colonel O'Malley.
Dudley	(translated text) Rats!
Lily	Rats? No, no, I ordered tuna, as you told me.
Dudley	(translated text) No — giant rats! From Outer Space!
	She looks out the window and sees a pair of giant rats.
Lily	Oh no. Oh, we're doomed! (hugs him) Oh, we're doomed! Do something, for Pete's sake! (whispers) "Pete's sake?"
Dudley	(translated text) Miss Trenton … Jean. There is something I must tell you.
Lily	Oh, yes, sir, yes, sir. I'm sorry, um …
Dudley	(translated text) I wish I had opened my heart to you before now but … I love you, can't you see? Totally. Helplessly. What a fool I've been, the precious moments I've wasted — I love you, Jean. Love you. Yes, I loved you then and I love you now. ("Tora! Tora! Tora!") I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Lily	Oh, but sir, I —
Rizzo	Three billion light years for this? (on-screen translation: "Squeak. Squeak — squeak")
	The rats leave. Dudley embraces Lily and gives a long speech, which scrolls by faster than she, or the viewer, can read it.
Dudley	(translated scrolling text) I've loved before. But this is different. This is so real. So precious. And when I look into my heart, I know. I know that this is the real thing. A love that will transcend time and space. A love that will last till the end of time. Which may be very soon now. I know I should have told you. But marriage with me is not what you want. You need an older man. Someone more mature than me. That's why I hid my love away. That and the sumo wrestler I saw you with at the Christmas dance. But now the world is ending. Humanity will be annihilated. Tell me. Do you love me too. Can I die happy. Please. Speak your love. Say something to give me hope.
Lily	But I don't — I — the rats have gone, sir.
	They embrace.
Dudley	(in English) Oh! It's a miracle. How did it happen?
Lily	(in Japanese, translated) How should I know? I was reading.
Statler	I hate foreign films with subtitles.
Waldorf	Well, it's worse when they dub 'em into English.
Statler	Why?
Waldorf	(off-sync) Because the lip movements never match up with the words that you're hearing.

The Wizard of Oz

	Main stage. Janice enters to a fanfare.
Janice	Hi. I'd like to introduce my favorite flick of all time, The Wizard of Oz. Fer sure. I love Oz. I may move there. Rully. Tonight, the part of Dorothy is played by —
Miss Piggy	(off-screen) I'm not ready!
Janice	Uh, no problem! Tonight, the part of Dorothy is played by ME!
Miss Piggy	(off-screen) I'm ready!
Janice	Oh, bummer. (sigh) Anyway, we're off to see the wizard! Hasta la bye-bye!
	She exits. The curtain opens on Kansas. Piggy (Dorothy) carries Foo-Foo (Toto) in a basket and sings "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". Rowlf interrupts her.
Rowlf	Psst. Hey.
Miss Piggy	Hmm?
Rowlf	You're in black and white.
Miss Piggy	I'm supposed to be in black and white. The color comes in a minute.
Rowlf	Oh. (to camera) Don't adjust your sets, folks!
	Foo-Foo barks at him.
Miss Piggy	Twit! Get away, get away!
Rowlf	Yeah, yeah, see ya later …
Miss Piggy	It's alright, it's alright, Foo-Foo.
	She puts the basket down and continues the song. Foo-Foo gets out of the basket and follows her.
Rowlf	Hey! Cue the color!
	The screen fades from B&W to color. Scooter enters as the scarecrow, Gonzo as the Tin Man, and Fozzie as the lion, singing "If I Only Had …" and "We're Off to See the Wizard".
Waldorf	I'd follow the yellow brick road.
Statler	Why?
Waldorf	It'd get me out of this theater.
	They chuckle.

Fool of the Roman Empire

	Main stage. Gonzo enters to a fanfare.
Gonzo	Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to see the great Dudley Moore, in a colossal widescreen Roman epic! Lions attack innocent people. Slaves suffer public humiliation. Gladiators fight to the death. I've never laughed so much in all my life. (nods) Roll film!
	The curtain opens on the "Metro Goldwyn BEAR" logo, with Fozzie as the lion.
Fozzie	Aaahh.
	Fade to a title: "The Fool of the Roman Empire". Switch back to Fozzie.
Fozzie	Sorry. (walks off)
	Fade to the opening scene. A horn fanfare is played as Scooter enters among a crowd of pig gladiators.
Scooter	People of Rome! Make way for the great Caesar! All hail Caesar!
	Dudley (Caesar) enters to applause and a fanfare. One horn player extends his fanfare unnecessarily.
Dudley	Finished?
Hornblower (DG)	(out of breath) Yeah.
Scooter	All hail Caesar!
Crowd	All hail great Caesar!
Dudley	All hail!
Scooter	Uh, would great Caesar like a new toga?
Dudley	Are you kidding? I wouldn't be seen dead driving one of those cheap Japanese cars.
	Scooter and the gladiators laugh.
Dudley	Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears …
Pig (JN)	What'd you do with the ones we lent you last week?
Dudley	I stuck them on my chariot.
Pig (JN)	Why?
Dudley	Because they're chariot ears.
	Scooter and the gladiators laugh.
Dudley	Jolly good. Uh, ahem. Bring me my piano.
Pig (JN)	Bring great Caesar's piano!
	A group of other Muppets drag the piano over.
Dudley	Do you know why they call me great Caesar?
Scooter	Well — 'cause great Dudley would sound silly?
	Scooter and the gladiators laugh.
Dudley	You fool. No, because I provide my own background music.
	Scooter and the gladiators laugh. Dudley sits at the piano and plays "Pomp and Circumstance".
Dudley	Great empires have their ups and downs.
Others	(murmuring in agreement)
Dudley	But we won't be down for long.
Others	No!
Dudley	No. The name of Caesar will endure forever.
Others	Yeah!
Dudley	My salads will conquer the world!
Others	(cheering)
Dudley	So, let there be celebrations in the streets …
Others	(cheering)
Dudley	… and joy be unconfined …
Others	(cheering)
Dudley	… let the chariot race BEGIN!!
Others	(cheering)
Pig (JH)	And they're off!
	A pistol is fired, and the race begins as Dudley plays jazz piano. Lew Zealand and his shark get a head start, leaving Gonzo and his chicken behind, as well as Beauregard and his rats.
Lew Zealand	We, who are about to die, salute you!
Dudley	Nicely put!
Gonzo	I may not die, but I hope to be badly injured!
Dudley	(laughs) Break a leg!
	Gonzo takes the lead.
Gonzo	G'bye, Lew — BEAUREGARD!!
Lew Zealand	Chew 'im up!
Dudley	He's taking out the garbage!
Beauregard	Yeah! I'm taking it out for a ride!
	Dudley picks up the tempo.
Dudley	(pauses playing) Don't worry, they haven't finished yet!
	The three racers crash into each other as Dudley finishes. Applause.
Dudley	Well, look at this now… (stands up) Thank you! Thank you! Thank you. (gives thumbs down, waves) Thank you.
Waldorf	Ehh. That wasn't much of a spectacle.
Statler	Wasn't even a monocle.
	They chuckle.

Backstage

	The Romans pass Kermit.
Kermit	Very good, men! Great tribute to the Roman epic.
Rizzo	Oh yeah? Well, it's an insult to rats!
Kermit	Why?
Rizzo	Well, rats aren't beasts of burden. We're creatures of genius.
Kermit	Really? Name one rat genius.
Rizzo	Frank Lloyd Rat.
Kermit	Mesh.
Rizzo	But you can make it up to us by letting us do our rat production number.
Rat (JN)	Yeah! A big white set! Crystal chandeliers!
Rat (DG)	Circular staircases!
Rat (RH)	Glitter! Glamor!
Rats	And rats! (start singing "Top Hat")
Kermit	Okay, hold, wait wait wait wait — hold on there! Listen, we've already done a number like that.
Rat (RH)	We did?
Rizzo	What?
Kermit	Sure, listen — in our new movie, The Great Muppet Caper, Miss Piggy does a production number called "The First Time".
Rizzo	I haven't seen it.
Kermit	You will.
Rats	We will?
	They watch a clip from the movie - an excerpt of "The First Time it Happens".
	Applause. Kermit looks from the wings. Lily comes downstairs.
Kermit	Oh. Hi, Lily. Hey, you're on in a second.
Lily	I know, uh … Kermit, I'm glad that I've found you here. I wanted to tell you something if I could.
Kermit	Oh, sure. What's that?
Lily	I don't want you to get the wrong idea, because, um … well, I know you are Miss Piggy's guy.
Kermit	Well, you may know it and she may know it, but the vote's not in from the frog.
Lily	Oh. Well, in that case, um … I've been wanting to let you know that I think you are very, very attractive. (sigh)
Kermit	Oh, wow. Well, I guess it's like a mutual admiration society, then, because I think, ever since I first laid eyes on you, I thought that, uh …
	They hear Piggy humming behind them and immediately freeze.
Kermit	… uh, that you're the perfect person to introduce the horror movie. Ahem.
Lily	What kind of compliment is that?
Kermit	Pig alert. Pig alert.
Lily	(sees Piggy) Oh, yes, and I know exactly what I'm going to do with the introduction, um, Kermit. I've been working on it.
Kermit	Uh, well, uh, uh, good luck with it then.
Lily	Okay, and uh, listen, thanks for saying that I could do the horror movie introduction. That was very sweet of you.
	She kisses him and goes onstage. Piggy walks up to him.
Kermit	Uh…
Miss Piggy	You never tell ME I can introduce a horror movie.

Nephew of Frankenstein

Lily	I don't know why, but they've asked me to come out and introduce the Muppets' tribute to horror movies. I mean, me of all people? It's almost ridiculous, because, well, I've always, quite frankly, I've hated those tacky horror movies.
	A thunderclap is heard, as the lights go dim and a green light shines on her.
Lily	I mean, I think they're almost laugh — laughable, with their — those cheap lighting effects and things.
	Monsters rise among her.
Lily	And those uh, unbelievable monsters? I mean, some of the things that … like, uh … that I've seen created, are, uh … they're really … they're almost … oh, help …
	She suffocates and faints. The monsters laugh. Fade to black.
	Open on a title: "J. Arthur Link presents". Link bangs a gong with his head. Fade to a title: "Nephew of Frankenstein". Fozzie walks up to a creaky wooden castle door.
Fozzie	Boy. What a spooky place. I hope my uncle isn't some kind of a weirdo.
	He pulls a chain, and a series of spooky sounds is heard.
Fozzie	Well, so far he seems normal.
	The door opens, and Dr. Strangepork emerges.
Strangepork	Ah, nephew. Come in. Heh heh heh. (Fozzie follows him inside) Yes. Nice to see you.
Fozzie	Wha-ha-ha? (looks around) Hey. This is cute. What does it do?
Strangepork	My work here is nothing less than … (dramatic sting) … the secret of life itself. (dramatic sting)
Fozzie	Wow.
Strangepork	And also a coffee that doesn't taste bitter.
	Fozzie notices Mulch on a stretcher.
Fozzie	Oh, look! You have a roommate! Aha! Hello! (taps him) Hello??
Strangepork	Uh, it's just somebody I'm working on — uh — I mean, working with.
Fozzie	Oh. Ah.
	He leads Fozzie to a chair and sits him down.
Strangepork	But come, nephew. You must be tired. Sit down, relax in this chair with the wrist straps. Heh heh.
Fozzie	Wha?
Strangepork	I hope I remembered to plug it in. (hums)
Fozzie	Uh, uh, uncle, uh, don't go to any trouble on my account. I'm family. Heh. What's that?
	A metal cap is lowered onto Fozzie's head.
Fozzie	Oh. It's one of those.
Strangepork	You said in your letter that you're the funniest bear in the world.
Fozzie	Did I remember to tell you that?
Strangepork	Yep. When I throw this switch … we are going to perform the world's first joke transplant! Heh heh heh! Okay —
	He pulls the switch, and Fozzie gets electrocuted.
Fozzie	Wha — hold it, uh, couldn't we talk about this just a — (screams)
Strangepork	Think of funny stuff — NOW!
Fozzie	Uh, what do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
	The cap explodes. Mulch rises from the slab.
Mulch	Hot cross bunnies.
	A hole blows up in the screen. Kermit peeks through it.
Fozzie	Help!
Kermit	You just blew a hole in the movie screen! Call the fire department!
	Sirens sound. Strangepork and Fozzie panic.
Strangepork	Help! Help!
Fozzie	Help!
Fireman (DG)	Sorry! There's nothin' we can do!
Kermit	Why not?
Fireman (DG)	Well, they're back in the 19th century! Our hoses won't reach! (giggles)
Fozzie	Kermit, what'll we do now?
Kermit	What else? A-ba-dee, a-ba-dee, that's all, folks!
	Fade to a spoof of the Merrie Melodies end title — "That's Awful Folks".

Backstage

	As the firemen rush onstage, Beauregard wheels another screen onstage.
Scooter	Beauregard!
Fireman (JN)	Get the ladder! Get the fire chief!
Scooter	Oh, Rowlf — it's time for your silent movie piece.
Rowlf	Yeah, but they just blew a hole in the movie screen.
Scooter	Well, it's okay. We've got another one. But it's a tacky old screen.
Rowlf	Oh, that's okay, it's only a tacky old movie. (goes onstage)

Tribute to the Silent Era

	Main stage. Rowlf enters to a fanfare and sits at a piano.
Rowlf	Thank you. Thank you. And now —
	He hears some rattling behind the curtain.
Beauregard	Sorry. I'm fixing the screen back here.
Rowlf	Open the curtain!
	The curtain opens. Beauregard runs offstage. Rowlf sits at the piano.
Rowlf	Roll film. (begins playing) And now, the Sheik, in Eastern Promise.
	In the film, Kermit appears as "the Sheik" in a desert setting with Sopwith the Camel. He says …
	He walks over to a femininely dressed figure and kisses it.
	The figure is revealed to be Mulch.
Mulch	"Hot cross bunnies" — I just got it! (laughs)
Rowlf	And so, the talkies were born.
	He finishes playing. Applause. Fade to the title card.

	Applause.

Silent Strawberries

	Main stage. Sam the Eagle stands in front of a fancy curtain as a fanfare plays.
Sam the Eagle	Oh! Ahem. Good evening. Ahem. We are about to see the latest work of that great Scandinavian director, Ingmar Bergman.
Floyd	Sam.
Sam the Eagle	Hmm?
Floyd	They sent the wrong film. This one isn't by Ingmar Bergman.
Sam the Eagle	(gasp) That's terrible!
Floyd	No, it's okay. It's by his brother, Gummo.
Sam the Eagle	… Gummo Bergman?
Floyd	Oh, good. You've heard of him.
Sam the Eagle	Oh, uh … of course. Ahem.
Floyd	Well, uh, here's the script. (hands it to him and exits)
Sam the Eagle	Oh, yes, thank you very much. Ahem. Go away. And — and now, and now, ahem — because the film is not in English, I shall translate. Ahem. And now, Gummo Bergman's Silent Strawberries.
	The curtain opens on a screen, where the B&W movie is projected. The Swedish Chef walks through a garden, carrying a pot and holding it in front of his face.
Swedish Chef	(narrating in mock Swedish)
Sam the Eagle	The narration says: "In my dream, I walked in the garden of my grandfather, as I did in childhood."
Swedish Chef	(gasp!) — (mock Swedish)
Sam the Eagle	"Suddenly, a serious figure appeared."
	The angel of death — Beaker — appears. The Chef trembles.
Beaker	(meeps)
Sam the Eagle	He says, "I am the angel of death."
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish)
Sam the Eagle	"But I am not ready to die."
Beaker	(meeps)
Sam the Eagle	"Ah. Well, if you do not wish death, how about a rubber chicken?"
	Sam looks shocked. The Chef accepts the chicken.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) — der chïckëe! (mock Swedish)
Sam the Eagle	Uh, uh, uh, uh, "Swell. I'll work up an act and join a traveling show. Here comes one now—"?
	A showman — Kermit — appears.
Kermit	(mock Swedish)
Sam the Eagle	"Hey-ho, Olaf the Frog here, with another great show for you" — this is not right!
	Enter Fozzie.
Fozzie	Aaah. (tells a joke in mock Swedish) … snøögå møët-bålls! Aaah!
Swedish Chef	(laughs)
Sam the Eagle	"What do you get when you add sugar to hamburger — sweetish meatballs." What is going on?
Fozzie	Aaah. Drüskå, drüskå, drüskå.
Sam the Eagle	… "Wocka wocka wocka."
Kermit	(mock Swedish) — de müsïk nümbêr.
	They sing "Hooray for Hollywood" in mock Swedish.
Sam the Eagle	What — hold! Who did this to me? That does it! (tosses the book) Who did this? I want no part of this! That's it!
	Sam exits. The cast continues singing in mock Swedish. Sam comes back.
Sam the Eagle	Stop it right — Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! (exits)
	The screen reads "DU ENDE". The curtain closes.
Sam the Eagle	"The end". Yuchh! (exits)
Waldorf	I don't believe in all that "angel of death" nonsense.
Statler	Well, then don't look over your shoulder.
Waldorf	Oh, you can't fool me with that one.
Whatnot (LG)	(appears behind him) Popcorn?
	Waldorf, startled, falls out of the balcony. Statler laughs.
Statler	Just one, thanks. (laughs)

Casablanca

	Kermit and Piggy stand in front of an airplane.
Announcer	A tribute to Casablanca.
Kermit	Last night, we said a great many things. You said I was to do the thinking for both of us. Well, I've done a lot of it since then, and it all adds up to just one thing.
	Piggy's hat blows off as the wind gets stronger. Kermit raises his voice as the plane's motor gets louder.
Kermit	(cont'd) You're getting on that plane with Victor, where you belong. If that plane leaves the ground and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life!
Kermit	(cont'd) LOOK — I'M NOT GOOD AT BEING NOBLE, BUT IT DOESN'T TAKE MUCH TO SEE THAT THE PROBLEMS OF THREE LITTLE PEOPLE WON'T AMOUNT TO A HILL OF BEANS IN THIS CRAZY WORLD! SOMEDAY YOU'LL UNDERSTAND THAT!
	The wind blows Piggy away.
Kermit	HERE'S LOOKING FOR YOU, KID!

"Act Naturally"

	Backstage, Beauregard and Gaffer watch as Floyd and Janice perform "Act Naturally".

Small in the Saddle

	A fanfare plays as Dudley stands onstage.
Dudley	Motion pictures have always meant entertainment. But there are those few rare examples of the filmmaker's craft that transcend the norm and cross over into the world of art. Of this more profound genre, I favor most the work of the French directors, the great French directors — subtle, enigmatic, sophisticated. That is why I have asked the Muppets to leave well enough alone, and do instead their tasteless tribute to the Western.
	The curtain raises, revealing the logo "A Tantamount Picture". A fly lands on the screen, and is immediately swatted with a swatter. Fade to a title: "Small in the Saddle".
	Two Whatnot cowboys ride together on horses.
Cowboy (JN)	Think we're gainin' on him, Sheriff!
	Two Whatnot bandits ride cows.
Bandit (SW)	They're gainin' on us, Joe!
Bandit (DG)	Well, they ain't a-got us yet, Jeb boy! And if'n I die, I'm a-gonna die with my boots on.
Bandit (SW)	You ain't got time to stop and change your shoes now!
	He fires at the two cowboys.
Cowboy (RH)	I say, we don't seem to be gettin' any closer.
Cowboy (JN)	Well, the preacher man says that if you wanna get close to people, you gotta try community singin'!
Horse 1	I don't believe this!
Horse 2	They're going to sing!
	The cowboys and bandits sing "Ragtime Cowboy Joe".
Cowboy (JN)	Hey, we're gainin' on him, Sheriff!
	It's revealed that the bandits are behind them, not in front of them. Lew Zealand rows by in a rowboat.
Cowboy (RH)	Whoa! Hey — we've been doin' this wrong!
Voice	Now THAT's wrong!
	They all fire their pistols and holler. Applause. A cow appears next to Statler.
Statler	Say, Waldorf, were some of those horses cows?
Cow	(Waldorf's voice) No, I don't think so. (laughs, licks Statler)

Tarzan and Jane

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	And now, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Lily Tomlin, starring in Tarzan and Jane! She plays Jane.
	The curtain opens on a jungle setting.
Lily	(gasp) Can I believe my eyes? A he-man with rippling muscles, come to carry me off to his jungle abode.
	A yell is heard. Tarzan swings on a vine, and turns out to be … Gonzo.
Gonzo	Me Tarzan, you Jane.
Lily	Forget it.
	She pulls the vine down, and it retracts, yanking Gonzo away from her.

Backstage

	Kermit and some penguins watch from backstage.
Kermit	Oh, that's a great stunt.
	He looks at the rundown, then notices Beauregard.
Kermit	Oh — Beauregard, next up is your tribute to the Hollywood stuntmen.
Beauregard	Oh, you mean that part of the movie where I did that real car driving?
Kermit	Uh — yeah. Mm-hm.
Beauregard	Oh, goody goody! I'll go watch me. (leaves)
Kermit	Uh, Beauregard?
Beauregard	Yes?
Kermit	Uh, Beauregard, the screen is that way.
Beauregard	Oh. Sorry. I never did have a very good sense of direction. (goes onstage)
Kermit	You can tell that by watching the movie.
	Another clip from the movie is played, in which Beauregard drives Kermit, Fozzie and Gonzo back to the Happiness Hotel.

"Heat Wave"

	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Thank you. Thank you. And now, ladies and gentlemen, a song made famous by the legendary Marilyn Monroe, performed tonight by my favorite pig singer, and her penguins!
	"Heat Wave," from Irving Berlin's musical As Thousands Cheer, is sung by Miss Piggy, backed by the penguins, where it snows in the end.

Backstage

	The penguins come backstage, followed by Piggy.
Kermit	Okay! Nice going, penguins. Yes. (imitates their noises) Yes, right. Oh, Miss Piggy, Miss Piggy, you were sensational in that.
Miss Piggy	I think I got frostbite from the finale.
	Two laughing penguins go by.
Kermit	Uh — yeah. Listen, don't let that worry you. You were great.
Miss Piggy	Oh! What a sweet thing to say. But I would like people to see what a great singer and dancer my little Kermie-kins is.
Kermit	Oh, well, I dunno, what would I do?
Miss Piggy	Well — the Fred Astaire tribute you did in The Great Muppet Caper?
Kermit	Uh, no — I think I'll wait and let people see that in the theater.
Miss Piggy	Oh, why wait? Ahem — roll film!
	Another clip from the movie is played, from "Steppin' Out with a Star". Applause.
Statler	You ever seen my tap-dance routine?
Waldorf	No.
	Statler reveals a water tap and makes it dance.
Statler	(scatting)
Waldorf	Statler?
Statler	Huh?
	Waldorf punches him in the face and laughs.

Goon With the Wind

	Piggy (as Scarlett) lies in Dudley's (Rhett) arms as buildings burn behind them.
Miss Piggy	(sigh)
Dudley	Scarlett …
Miss Piggy	Rhett …
Dudley	… this is the end.
Miss Piggy	Oh! Already?
Dudley	Our world lies in ruins, burning on the horizon.
Miss Piggy	Oh, Rhett — I have a heavy heart tonight.
	Dudley tries not to lose his grip.
Dudley	You're telling me!
Miss Piggy	(grunts) — Oh … and yet, our love burns brighter than the city of Atlanta.
Dudley	Our love is like a beacon — a flame that you have kindled in my heart.
Miss Piggy	(drawls) An all-consuming passion, fanned by desire into a raging inferno of romance!
Dudley	Scarlett, who could put out a fire like that?
Firemen	We can!
	Dudley drops Piggy as the firemen rush on the scene and spray their hoses.
Fireman (DG)	Uh, 'scuse me, buddy — you dropped your pig.
Miss Piggy	(gets up, grunting) Oh, rats!
Dudley	Uh — it's … it's "Rhett" actually. Rhett Butler, not "Rats Butler".
	The firemen spray in all directions, even hitting the camera.
Dudley	Uh, excuse me …
Miss Piggy	Will you quit — what are you doing? Will you knock it off?? KERMIT!!
Statler	That was a wonderful number!
Waldorf	Yes, let's give 'em three big cheers!
	Three chairs are thrown at them.
Both	That's "cheers"! Not "chairs"!

A Frog Too Far / Finale

	Main stage. Lew Zealand enters.
Lew Zealand	Next on the show is my very favorite kind of motion picture. And here's our special guest star, Lily Tomlin, in a war movie! (laughs)
	Open on a canteen, where a trio of female frogs sing "Apple Blossom Time" as a band plays. Piggy works as a waitress, waiting on tables for service frogs.
Kermit	(narrating) It was 1943. We had come a long way from Pearl Harbor and had a long way to go to D-Day. I was in England, waiting for orders, killing time at a USO club.
	Piggy approaches him at a table and smacks her lips.
Miss Piggy	Can I get you anything else, soldier?
Kermit	Yeah. Bring me another grasshopper. Oh, and a root beer to go with it. Those grasshoppers are pretty salty.
	Piggy laughs and saunters away, still hoping to be noticed.
Kermit	(narrating) Frankly, I had gone to the USO club that night because I was lonely. I just had that feeling, maybe I'd get lucky. Maybe I'd meet Miss Right. The girl of my dreams. But I didn't see a soul.
	Piggy growls and storms off.
Kermit	(narrating) As I sat there, listening to the music, I got to thinking of home, and the girl I'd left behind.
	Fade to a flashback of Kermit and Lily at a train station.
Lily	Oh, Kermit, not today. You just can't be leaving today.
Kermit	I'm afraid so, Francine. They're shipping me out. England.
Lily	Oh, gee whiz. This gosh-awful war is just ruining everything.
Kermit	It won't be long, honey. We'll win this war, and then I'll be home, and then, well, you know.
Lily	Golly me. We'll be married.
Kermit	That's right, Francine.
Lily	(embraces him) We'll be Kermit and Francine the Frog.
Kermit	But first — but first I gotta fly some planes for Uncle Sam.
Lily	Oh, my brave, brave soldier. (embraces him again) Oh, Kermit …
Kermit	Hmm?
Lily	… war is heck.
	Fade to another scene of Kermit in a plane with the emblem "The Flying Frogs".
Kermit	(narrating) And so I said goodbye to Francine and went out to do the dirty job that had to be done.
Kermit	(gasp) Bandits at 12:00!
Voice	(over intercom) But it's already quarter past three!
Kermit	No, no, bandits at 12:00!
Voice	(over intercom) Okay. Lunch!
	Kermit grimaces. Machine gun fire is heard. Fade to an aircraft hangar, with Lily playing a female mechanic.
Lily	Well, your plane's ready to fly, ace. (slaps him) I just ripped that there crate's engines down and put 'em back the way they oughta be.
Kermit	Gee, a lady mechanic.
Lily	You betcha, buster. You've heard of Rosie the Riveter. Well, meet Gloria the Greasemonkey-ess. (tightens his scarf)
Kermit	Hi, Gloria. I'm Kermit the Frog.
Lily	Well, hubba-hubba, you are some kinda cute stuff, flyboy. (pinches his cheek)
Kermit	Heh-heh, yeah …
Lily	I'm pleased to meetcha. (vigorously shakes his hand)
Kermit	Oh — well — I'm pleased to meet you too, Gloria. Uh, hey, listen, I have a — I have a mission to fly, but when I get back, maybe I could buy you a root beer.
Lily	Well, I'd love it. We could play the jukebox and cut a rug …
Kermit	Yeah? Whoaaaa…
Lily	Oh, I love root beer, it greases my gears. Gets the old transmission turnin'.
Kermit	(yelps)
Lily	Oh, that was fun.
Kermit	(giggles) Oh, you're really something, Gloria.
Lily	I could get a case of the Andy Hardys over you.
Kermit	Hmm?
Lily	Did anybody ever tell you, you got eyes like ping-pong balls floating in green motor oil.
Kermit	Yeah. Contact.
	She kisses him as we dissolve to another scene of Kermit going down in the plane.
Kermit	(narrating) But I never saw Gloria again. The next mission was the one I didn't walk away from.
Kermit	Francine was right. War IS heck!
	Dissolve to another scene: the hospital. Lily plays a British nurse at Kermit's aid.
Kermit	(narrating) After that, I blacked out. And when I woke up …
Lily	(removes thermometer) Splendid.
Kermit	It's no use. I can't remember a thing.
Lily	Oh, no, you mustn't say that.
Kermit	Mustn't say what? I told you I can't remember a thing.
Lily	No, amnesia's often temporary. You can remember, and you will.
Kermit	But I don't even know my own name.
Lily	Here, let me help you. Your hand — look at it. What color is it?
Kermit	Why … it's green.
Lily	Yes. Yes.
Kermit	I'm … I'm an avocado!
Lily	No, no, no. Here, your foot. Tickle tickle tickle.
Kermit	(laughs)
Lily	Look at it.
Kermit	Yes, it's — it's flipper-shaped.
Lily	It is.
Kermit	I'm an avocado with flippers.
Lily	Oh, no, no, you must think harder. You must think. Think …
Kermit	Uh … well … I'm … I'm a frog. I'm a frog. I'm Kermit the Frog! I remember!
Lily	Oh, I knew you would! I told you you'd remember!
Kermit	Yes, but it was you! All those weeks, nursing me back to health …
Lily	It was really just my job.
Kermit	You know, you're really very beautiful.
Lily	Thanks so very.
Kermit	Would you marry me?
Lily	Oh, I'm afraid not.
Kermit	But why not?
Lily	You see, I'm a nun.
	She reveals rosary beads. Fade back to the canteen.
Kermit	(narrating) So there I was, in 1943, a long way from Pearl Harbor and a long way to D-Day. Alone and lonely. And then suddenly, I saw her.
	Piggy appears before him, and he lightens up.
Kermit	(narrating) There she was, like a dream, like a vision! Just as I had always hoped she'd be!
Kermit	My darling!
	He runs past Piggy, and into Francine's arms.
Kermit	Francine!!
Lily	(salutes) That's Corporal Francine to you, Private … darling.
Kermit	Oh, wow! Waitress — grasshoppers for everybody!
	Everyone cheers except Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Hey, wait a minute — hold it, hold it. Hey — what about me?
Lily	Oh, you can have grasshoppers too.
	Everyone cheers except Piggy. They all launch into a rendition of "We'll Meet Again", accompanied by Dudley and all the Muppets from the previous segments. The theater doors close, and the marquee sign is shown. Applause.

Credits (UK)

	Kermit opens the stage door as the Muppets exit one by one.
Kermit	Okay, everybody out. Locking up. Locking up. Nice show, Floyd. … Everybody out, guys.
Gonzo	Here comes the bus.
Kermit	Good show, Fozzie.
Fozzie	Hmm. I think "hot cross bunnies" was too hip for 'em.
Miss Piggy	Well, it was too something for them. Heh heh.
Kermit	Yeah, okay.
Miss Piggy	Shall we go, dear?
Kermit	Yeah, let me just lock up the doors here.
Miss Piggy	Mm-hm.
Kermit	Locking up! (closes the doors)
Miss Piggy	Will you walk me to the tube?
Kermit	Oh, sure.
Miss Piggy	I love to walk to the tube.
Kermit	Mm-hm.
Miss Piggy	I'll race you! (giggles)
	They start running. Meanwhile, Lily and Dudley try to budge the doors from inside.
Lily	Help!!
Dudley	The door's locked!
Lily	Help us! … We should've left when we could have.
Dudley	Help!
	Fade to black.

Credits (US)

	Kermit opens the stage door and watches the Muppets exit one by one.
Fozzie	Hmm. I think "hot cross bunnies" was too hip for 'em.
Miss Piggy	Well, it was too something for them.
Kermit	Yeah.
Miss Piggy	Shall we go, dear?
Kermit	Okay, let me just lock up here. Everybody out! We're locking up! (closes the doors)
Miss Piggy	Kermie?
Kermit	Just a second … hmm?
Miss Piggy	Why did you put the penguins in the "Heat Wave" number?
Kermit	Uh … I dunno. They — they made you look good, uh, Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Made me look good.
Kermit	Mm-hm.
Miss Piggy	Oh.
	They walk away. Meanwhile, Lily and Dudley try to budge the doors from inside.
Lily	Help!!
Dudley	The door's locked!
Lily	Help us! … We should've left when we could have.
	Fade to black.