Episode 422: Andy Williams/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 422: Andy Williams.

Cold open

	The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter	Andy Williams? Andy Williams? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Andy.
Andy	Terrific, Scooter. I'm all set.
Scooter	Oh, by the way, Andy, thanks for sharing the dressing room with the limburger.
Andy	Oh, that's alright. I was warned this was a cheesy show.
	He guffaws as the cheeses appear around him.

Theme

Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Andy Williams! Yaaaay!
	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
	Waldorf holds a wad of bills.
Waldorf	How much do you want not to start?
	They chuckle.
	Before Gonzo can blow his horn, a pack of howling dogs bombard him.

Opening number

	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Thank you, thank you, thank you! Hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And we're gonna have a wonderful show, because tonight's special guest is one of my all-time favorite people, Mr. Andy Williams. (audience oohs) But first, here is an opening number — my kind of door.
	Fozzie sings "Green Door" as he watches shady figures enter a building. During the instrumental break, the inside activity is revealed: a sextet of creatures playing and dancing to rock music.
	When Fozzie finally opens the door, he only sees dusty equipment with cobwebs.
Fozzie	Wha? … Hello? (a rat passes him) Yecch.
	He goes back outside, closes the door and repeats the first verse. He hides as the creatures suddenly come out hollering.
Statler	At first I thought that number was gonna be good, but then …
Waldorf	Then what?
Statler	Then they raised the curtain!
	They chuckle.

Dressing room

	Andy, drinking tea, hears a knock on the door.
Andy	Come in.
Miss Piggy	Ah — oh, Andrew, dear, hello!
Andy	Hi, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Andrew, there has been an itsy-bitsy change in your opening number.
Andy	Oh?
Miss Piggy	Yes, I think Kermie would like you to sing "Love Story".
Andy	"Love Story"?
Miss Piggy	Mm-hmm. You know, it goes, La-la-la-la-la …
Andy	I know the song — I, I know the song.
Miss Piggy	Oh.
Andy	Uh, but why?
Miss Piggy	Well, you sing it so beautifully. Mm-hmm.
Andy	Well, thank you, but uh, we rehearsed "Moon River".
Miss Piggy	Well, um — uh … well, Andrew — I have a little secret between vous et moi.
Andy	What?
Miss Piggy	"You and me".
Andy	I know what it means, but uh, but why?
Miss Piggy	Uh, Andrew … (looks around) … Kermie and I … we are … engaged.
Andy	No!
Miss Piggy	YES!!
Andy	That's wonderful!
Miss Piggy	Yes! It — it just happened.
Andy	Can I make the announcement?
Miss Piggy	No! No. Um, only you and I know.
Andy	And Kermit.
Miss Piggy	Who? Oh! Yes, yes, uh, Kermit, yes, yes. Uh — but, but you will sing "Love Story" for us, won't you?
Andy	Well, of course I will.
Miss Piggy	Ahh.
Andy	The frog and the pig getting married.
Miss Piggy	Yes. (sighs)
Andy	Soon there'll be the patter of tiny figs. (laughs, claps)
Miss Piggy	When you finish breaking yourself up, you will sing, won't you?
	She exits. He continues laughing.

Backstage

Kermit	Uh, listen, Rizzo, now, one of these dancing cheeses seems to be missing. Now, do you know anything about this dancing cheese?
	Rizzo zips away.
Kermit	Rats.
Miss Piggy	Kermie! Kermie, Kermie, Kermie, I wonder if I may make an itsy-bitsy suggestion for tonight's show.
Kermit	I guess so. What is it?
Miss Piggy	Cancel "Moon River" and have Andy Williams sing "Love Story".
Kermit	Miss Piggy, I can't just change the running order now. Besides, Andy is associated with "Moon River."
Miss Piggy	A-a-a-and, you know who is associated with "Love Story", don't you?
Kermit	Hmm?
Miss Piggy	Vous et moi.
Kermit	What?
Miss Piggy	"You and me".
Kermit	I know what it means! Look, Miss Piggy, the "Moon River" set is already being moved onstage, so forget it. (walks off)
Miss Piggy	Kermie —
	Beauregard and Beaker wheel a paper moon onstage. Piggy stops them.
Miss Piggy	HOLD IT!!
Beauregard	But Kermit told us to put this on the stage.
Beaker	Mee-mee-mee.
Miss Piggy	I don't care. Just take that back and bring in the "Love Story" set.
Beauregard	But if we did that, Kermit would fire us!
Beaker	(nods)
Miss Piggy	Would you rather be fired, or dismembered?
Beaker	(shrieks)
Beauregard	Hmm. Dismembered sounds like fun.
	Beaker whispers in Beau's ear.
Beauregard	(gasp!) … We'll take fired.
	They move the moon away.

"Theme from Love Story"

	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, with us tonight is one of the world's great entertainers and recording artists, and here he is now, Mr. Andy Williams!
Miss Piggy	(peeking from the curtain) Psst! Psst! Psst! Kermie!
Kermit	What?
Miss Piggy	Psst.
Kermit	(walks over) What?
	She pulls him behind the curtain. The curtain opens to reveal a wall with heart-shaped windows. Andy walks onstage and begins to sing.
Andy	Where do I begin to tell the story Of how great a love can be? The sweet love story that is older than the sea, The simple truth about the love she brings to me. Where do I start?
	The curtains in the windows open to reveal Kermit in the center and Piggy in the top left.
Andy	With her first hello…
Miss Piggy	Hello.
	They duck and move to different windows.
Andy	She gave new meaning to this empty world of mine. They'll never be another love another time.
Miss Piggy	Aha!
Andy	She came into my life and made the living fine. She fills my heart …
Miss Piggy	Aha!
	The windows open and close as Kermit tries to flee from Piggy.
Andy	She fills my heart …
Miss Piggy	KERMIE!
Andy	… with very special things. With angel songs and wild imaginings. She fill my soul with so much love That any where I go…
Kermit	(passes Andy) 'Scuse me.
Andy	…I'm never lonely. With her around who could be lonely? I reach for her hand, It's always there.
Miss Piggy	How long does it last? Can love be measured by the hours in a day?
Andy	I have no answers now, But this much I can say…
Miss Piggy	La la la la …
Andy	I know I'll need her until the stars all burn away, And she'll be there.
	He pulls Kermit towards Piggy, who gives both of them kissy-kissys.
Statler	I wonder if we'll be called up as witnesses at the trial.
Waldorf	What trial?
Statler	Well, you don't think Andy's gonna take this lying down!
	They chuckle.

Backstage

	Kermit is not pleased as he and Piggy come backstage.
Scooter	Good number. Nice number.
Miss Piggy	Kermie-kins, don't be angryyyy!
Kermit	You know how I hate romantic junk like that.
Scooter	Oh, congratulations, chief. I wish you all the happiness in the world. You'll need it. (laughs, exits)
Kermit	What was that all about?
Miss Piggy	(laughs sheepishly) Um… oh, that Scooter and his dumb little jokes. Hahaha.
Floyd	Hey, Kermit — me and the band gonna play at the wedding?
Kermit	Wh — what wedding?!
	Piggy tiptoes away.
Floyd	Well, I just heard the news that you and Miss Fatback was gonna tie the knot and raise chitlins! (laughs)
Kermit	PIGGY!!
Miss Piggy	Um … (laughs sheepishly) … Kermie, it's … just a joke!
Kermit	A JOKE?? People will think we're really engaged!! (stews)
Miss Piggy	(sigh) It's so sweet-sounding when you say it.
Kermit	Well — the engagement is off! HI-YAH!
	He karate-chops her, but doesn't knock her over.
Miss Piggy	Kermie? Dear? Dear? Sweetheart? It's not like that. It's like this. Hi-YAH!
	Her chop sends him flying to his desk.
Kermit	(through the intercom) On stage for the next number. (faints)

Muppet newsflash

Newsman	And now for this Muppet newsflash. Bands of roving cheeses have been reported at the edge of town, moving towards City Center. The cheeses are reported to be smelly, and often in the company of crackers. Uh, most of them seem to be moving about on foot, but some cheeses, naturally, are in wheels.
	A cheese wheel rolls over him. Some rats chase after it.

Veterinarian's Hospital

	Piggy fools around with medical equipment, then quickly rushes to the operating table. A rabbit is the patient.
Announcer	Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf	Well, who's the first patient, Nurse Janice?
Janice	Here he is, Dr. Bob.
Miss Piggy	Aww, Dr. Bob, what a cute little bunny. I wonder what his name is?
Rowlf	Well, he hasn't said "Eh, what's up doc," so it isn't you-know-who! (laughs)
Janice	Who, doctor?
Rowlf	It's not "Who, doctor," it's Doctor Who - that's another show. (laughs)
Janice	Oh, oh, is he related to Doctor Which?
Rowlf	No, it's not "Doctor Which", it's witch doctor, and that's another ball game! (laughs)
Janice	Oh, then Doctor Who's on first!
Rowlf & Janice	(groan)
Miss Piggy	All I ask is the bunny's name, and I get Abbott and Costello.
Rowlf	(laughs)
Rabbit	Hey, look can we get on with this? I'm late! I'm late!
Rowlf	For a very important date?
Janice	(groan)
Rabbit	No, that's another rabbit.
Rowlf	Oh, you're not the white rabbit?
Rabbit	No, I'm the wrong rabbit!
Rowlf & Janice	(groan)
Janice	Fer sure.
Miss Piggy	Good grief! Now it's Rabbit and Costello.
Rowlf	(laughs)
Janice	Dr. Bob, may I remind you this is a hospital?
Rowlf	Oh, I'm glad you did. The way the jokes were dying, I thought it was a morgue! (laughs)
	They all groan.
Rabbit	Hey, hurry up, will ya? I gotta get back to the hutch!
Rowlf	The what?
Miss Piggy	Hutch. Th-that's where rabbits live.
Rowlf	I know that. I even know where it is. It's behind a famous cathedral.
Piggy, Janice, Rabbit	Oh?
Rowlf	You must have heard of it. The hutch back of Notre Dame? (laughs)
	The others groan.
Miss Piggy	That rings a bell.
	They all groan, and look up when they hear the announcer.
Announcer	And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
Rowlf	Good!
Announcer	Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Janice say ...
Janice	Oh, Dr. Bob, that was rully a long way to go for that last joke! You should have packed a lunch!
Rowlf	(laughs) I did. I ate it behind the cathedral.
Piggy, Janice, Rabbit	Oh?
Rowlf	Yes. I had the lunch back of Notre Dame!
	They all groan and laugh.
Janice	Fer sure, for sure.

UK spot

	Backstage. Sam looks over a clipboard.
Kermit	Hi, Sam!
Sam the Eagle	(flinches) Oh! … Oh. Yes, hello.
Kermit	Uh, still censoring the show, Sam?
Sam the Eagle	Yes, I am. Have you seen what's happening in the canteen?
Kermit	Uh, no —
Sam the Eagle	I've noted this down — there are seventeen penguins rehearsing for a tap-dance number.
Kermit	(nods) Oh, good.
Sam the Eagle	Good?!
Kermit	Sure, that's what they're supposed to do.
Sam the Eagle	That is not decent family entertainment for this show.
Kermit	Hey, Sam, wh-why do you do this?
Sam the Eagle	Someone has to do it.
Kermit	Mmm. But don't you have a home, or something like that?
Sam the Eagle	Oh, yes, I have a family. I'm married. Mm-hmm.
Kermit	Really? You have a home?
Sam the Eagle	Yes, well, uh … my wife and I are separated.
Kermit	Oh?
Sam the Eagle	She, uh, flew the coop.
Kermit	Do you have any uh, do you have any kids?—
Sam the Eagle	We were very close, though. Very close.
Kermit	Oh yeah? What's her name?
Sam the Eagle	Uh, I forgot.
Kermit	Oh. But uh, do you have any kids?
Sam the Eagle	Yes, I have two wonderful kids.
Kermit	Oh.
Sam the Eagle	They never write to me.
Kermit	Um, um …
Sam the Eagle	They're in college now.
Kermit	Uh-huh. Uh, boys or girls?
Sam the Eagle	Mm-hmm. Yes. One boy. One boy, one girl.
Kermit	Uh-huh. Yeah. The boy's in college, uh-huh.
Sam the Eagle	Yes.
Kermit	And what does he study?
Sam the Eagle	I'd rather not talk about it. He's uh, studying, uh … taxidermy.
Kermit	I see, I … that's good though, huh?
Sam the Eagle	No it's not.
Kermit	No, it's not very good, no —
Sam the Eagle	You don't know how bad.
Kermit	Well, how about your daughter?
Sam the Eagle	I'd rather not talk about her either. She's uh … she's living a rather high life there in college. She's uh, dating, uh … an owl. (shudders)
Kermit	Woo-woo.
Sam the Eagle	Exactly.
Kermit	Hmm.
Sam the Eagle	(returns to the clipboard) Get back to this! What about this, all this indecent family entertainment? There's — besides the penguins, there's dogs singing and pigs and — there's a cheese singing "Malagueña".
Kermit	Oh, the cheese! I gotta check and see if the cheese is ready! Oh, cheese! (leaves)
Sam the Eagle	(to viewer) You need not worry. As long as Sam the Eagle is here, I shall protect you, in the name of decent family entertainment. (nods)

Dressing room / "Jubilee Time"

Scooter	Yeah, bu-but how'd you get started in show business?
Andy	Well, Scooter, I started singing with my brothers, my three brothers, in Wall Lake, Iowa. And we called ourselves The Williams Brothers.
Scooter	Ah. Clever. Clever name.
Andy	And we used to sing in church. And then uh, we started singing on the radio.
Scooter	Oh, I guess you sang that old style music, huh? Like acid rock?
Andy	Yeah, like ac — well, this was way before that. Way, way back — we used to sing barbershop harmony.
Scooter	Gee, I wish I'd heard that.
	Andy sings "Jubilee Time" with a trio of Andy Williams Muppet caricatures.

Backstage

Kermit	Hey, uh, what are all you cheeses doing backstage?
Cheese (DG)	Oh, we want to try out for your show.
Cheeses	Yeah.
Cheese (DG)	We sing.
Kermit	Oh yeah? What do you sing?
Cheese (DG)	One two three!
Cheeses	So you met somebody that got you back on your heels —
Cheese (DG)	Gouda-Gouda!
	The cheeses laugh, then sing another one.
Cheeses	I got a girl, crazy for me …
Cheese (JN)	Cheese funny that way!
	The cheeses laugh.
Cheese (LG)	Wait! Wait, listen to this!
Cheeses	Pardon me, boys — is this the —
Cheese (LG)	Cheddar-nooga Choo-choo?
	The cheeses laugh.
Kermit	And what do you sing?
Cheese (SW)	Oh, I don't sing. I'm in a TV series.
Kermit	Uh, what?
Cheese (SW)	The Roquefort Files!
	The cheeses laugh.
Kermit	Will you guys get outta here? Out, out, out, out, out!
	The cheeses disperse.

Muppet Labs

	Open on Bunsen making baby talk to a cat as Beaker watches.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Spoody boody. Oh, mister boody boopers. Boody boody boody. Well. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, it's a well-known fact that some people like doggies and some people like kitties.
Cat	(meows)
Beaker	(meows back)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Up to now, if you were given the wrong pet, you had to put up with it. But our new electronic pet converter solves that problem. My assistant, Beaker, is putting an unwanted kitty into the converter.
Beaker	(points to Bunsen) Meep?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Yes, go.
Beaker	Meep meep meep meep …
	He pushes the cat into the converter as it meows and hisses.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh, that's wonderful, Beaker. And now, I throw the switch … and out of the other side comes … a cute little puppy dog.
	The puppy barks and licks Beaker.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	And if you happen to like kitties instead of doggies, the converter works the other way. Show them, Beaker.
Beaker	Bye-bye!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Bon voyage!
	The puppy goes back in to the box.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Now you can go get your kitty on the other side …
	It comes out as a tiger, to Beaker's surprise.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh dear! Oh, there seems to be some sort of problem!
	He tries to pull the tiger by the tail from the other end.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	(grunting) The important thing to remember is that anything that passes through this door is turned into a puppy dog.
	His hand is pulled through the door, sprouts eyes and hair, and begins barking. The tiger chases Beaker around the lab.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	That's all for now, from Muppet Labs. (to his puppy-hand) Sit. Sit.

Duets with Andy

	Kermit and Andy sit together on stools, holding microphones.
Kermit	You know, it's really neat to be sitting here to do a medley with Andy Williams, just like you used to do on your show, huh?
Andy	Well, thank you, Kermit. Uh, listen, by the way, may I ask you a question?
Kermit	Why, sure. What?
Andy	How do you do it?
Kermit	Do what — you mean, sit on a stool like this? Why, uh, any frog can do that.
Andy	Well, I knew that toads could, but uh …
Kermit	Toads? What do you mean toads?
Andy	Well, surely you've heard of toad stools?
	He laughs. Kermit frowns.
Andy	You're still mad at me, aren't you?
Kermit	Well — well, you did do "Love Story" instead of "Moon River."
Andy	Well, that was Miss Piggy. I mean, she told me that you were engaged.
Kermit	Yeah, well, it was very embarrassing.
Andy	Well … would it make you feel any better if you embarrassed me?
Kermit	What… well, no …
Andy	Go ahead. Go ahead.
Kermit	No, I couldn't …
Andy	I can take it.
Kermit	Okay, uh, let's see, uh … uh, I don't like your coat.
Andy	Good. Does that make you feel better?
Kermit	Yeah. Yeah. Now let's do the medley, huh?
Andy	Okay.
Kermit	Mm-hmm.
Andy	(pause) What don't you like about my coat?
Kermit	(stammers) Uh, nothing, I was just saying that.
Andy	Well, go ahead, tell me. I mean, is it the sleeves, or the lapels, or the shoulders?
Kermit	No, no, I just — just forget that, huh?
Andy	You're right. I mean, what would you know about clothes anyway? All you wear is that stupid collar.
Kermit	(whimpers)
Andy	It's a wonder you haven't been arrested.
Kermit	Okay, that does it. Start the music.
	The music starts.
Andy	I'm only kidding, Kermit. I love your collar.
Kermit	Aw. Well, actually, I like your coat too.
Andy	Well, thanks.
Kermit	Except for the buttons.
Andy	Wha — I knew it was the buttons! I knew it.
Kermit & Andy	Two of a kind. For your information, We're two of a kind. Two of a kind. It's my observation, We're two of a kind.
Kermit	Frogs in a pond …
Andy	And birds of a feather…
Kermit & Andy	Alone or together you'll find, That we are two-oo-oo-oo of a kind.
Kermit	I like the swamp in June, how about you?
Andy	I like a Gershwin tune, how about you?
Kermit	I love a lily pad when a storm is due.
Andy	I like potato chips …
Kermit	Mud flats and skinny dips …
Kermit & Andy	How about you?
Andy	I don't believe in frettin' and grievin', Why mess around with strife? I never was cut out to step and strut out. Give me the simple life.
Kermit	Some find it pleasant dining on pheasant. Those things roll off my knife. I dine on mosquito, flies are a treat-o. Give me the simple life.
Andy	I love a piano.
Kermit & Andy	I love a piano. I love to hear somebody play Upon a piano, a grand piano. It simply carries me away.
Kermit	So you can keep your fiddle and your bow.
Kermit & Andy	Give me a p-i-a-n-o, oh, oh.
Andy	I love to stop right beside an upright, Or a high toned baby grand.
Kermit & Andy	We're two of a kind. There's just no denyin', We're two of a kind. Two of a kind. Without even tryin', We're two of a kind.
Kermit	Makin' it plain …
Andy	Explainin' it fully…
Kermit & Andy	We're simila-la-larly inclined Because we're two-oo-oo of a kind
Kermit	Uh, except, of course, that I'm a frog.
Kermit & Andy	Two-oo-oo, two of a kind!
	Applause.

Goodnights

Kermit	Okay, well, that is approximately sort of what you might call the end of the show, but before we go, let us say thank you to our wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Andy Williams! Yaaaay!
	Applause.
Andy	Kermit, I had a great time.
Kermit	Oh, good.
Andy	And I love the Muppet cheese.
	The cheeses gather around him, as do some rats.
Kermit	Uh, yeah, well, listen, if you like the cheese, did you get to meet the rats?
Andy	Well, rats can be fun, but cheese can be fun-due. (laughs)
	The rats and cheeses laugh.
Kermit	Uh, that's our kinda humor, Andy! Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
	Gonzo looks on as the rats eat the cheese. The credits roll.
Statler	I'm gonna see my lawyer.
Waldorf	Why?
Statler	I wanna find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!
	They chuckle.