Farley goes to the hat shop (transcript)

As a character, Farley never had many dimensions, which is why he rarely appeared on Sesame Street after the early 1970s. He often appears in a sketch where his only source of help is an incompetent salesperson. He knows what he wants, but he can not clearly specify it to the salesperson.

Two flawless takes of the Farley goes to the hat shop sketch were shot on the same day, and both takes have appeared in Sesame Street episodes. Both takes are presented here in transcripted form to give the reader a glimpse of the spontaneity which occurs during the taping of an average Muppet sketch. They also showcase the performers' improvisational skills.

Jerry Nelson plays Farley, and Frank Oz plays Smilin' Jack the shopkeeper.

Long Take

(episode 0244)

	A hat shop, day. The shopkeeper is minding his business.
Shopkeeper	(singing "Easter Parade") Do do do do, in my Easter bonnet, with all the pret ...
	The door opens. Farley enters, humming.
Shopkeeper	Hello there, son! What can I do for you today?
Farley	Oh, hi! Uh, gee, I'd like to buy a new hat.
Shopkeeper	A new hat! Of course you would! Well, just step right around the counter here ...
Farley	Yeah ... okay ... (walks over to the shopkeeper)
Shopkeeper	And let me help ya. Let ol' Smilin' Jack here help ya, okay?
Farley	Oh, good.
Shopkeeper	OK there, uh, let's see, stand still. (gets a good look at Farley) Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Good. OK, I got just the cap for ya, right here. (displays a large blue baseball cap)
Farley	Oh, good.
Shopkeeper	Here's the cap for ya. Just bend over.
	He puts the cap on Farley's head; it's so big it covers Farley's eyes and nose.
Shopkeeper	Perfect! Oh, look at that color! Nice blue color. Now turn around, there's a mirror right behind ya.
	Farley faces the mirror.
Shopkeeper	Now look at that. Isn't that beautiful? Huh?
Farley	Uh, something's wrong.
Shopkeeper	Nice line, nice -- wha, something's wrong, though. I heard ya, you're right, something is wrong. Let me see.
Farley	Where'd you go?
Shopkeeper	Right over here. (turns Farley in his direction) Just turn over here. Follow my voice. OK, uh ...
	He removes the hat and looks at it.
Shopkeeper	You don't want that hat! Did I give you this hat?
Farley	Yeah.
Shopkeeper	Oh boy, what did I do that for?
	He sets the blue hat aside.
Farley	Yeah, you see ...
Shopkeeper	What you want ... is another hat ...
Farley	Yeah, because ...
	The shopkeeper gets out a yellow hat, which is the same size as the blue hat.
Shopkeeper	You want a yellow hat!
	He puts it on Farley's head -- again, it covers his eyes and nose.
Farley	That one is ... uh ...
Shopkeeper	There's a yellow hat. Now look at yourself in the mirror.
	He turns Farley in the direction of the mirror.
Farley	Uh, but -- I -- no ...
Shopkeeper	It's right behind you. See? See? Nice yellow hat. Perfect fit?
Farley	No, that's not it.
Shopkeeper	But that's not it! Oh, are you smart! You've got a keen eye. Good taste.
Farley	Yeah.
Shopkeeper	Let me see that hat.
	He takes it off Farley, and gets a good look at it.
Farley	Yeah.
Shopkeeper	I gave you this hat too, didn't I?
	He sets it aside.
Farley	You see, because that hat -- yeah ... because ...
Shopkeeper	(gets defensive) OK, don't explain it to me! I sell hats! I know my business!
	He picks up the last hat on the table, a muffler hat.
Farley	Yeah ...
Shopkeeper	OK, let me see now, here's a ... here's the hat you want! A yellow hat?
	He places it smack dab on Farley's small head once again.
Farley	No, I --
Shopkeeper	But it has earmuffs. Now I'd take that. It's the last one in the place.
Farley	(faces the mirror again) But ...
Shopkeeper	Just give me a dollar, please.
Farley	Uh ... it's too big.
	A beat.
Shopkeeper	It's what?
Farley	It's too big.
Shopkeeper	That hat is too big?
Farley	Yeah.
Shopkeeper	I've been selling hats for many years, but OK, I'll try it on, I'll prove it to you, it's not too big.
Farley	But --
Shopkeeper	OK, watch out.
	He takes the hat off Farley and puts it on his own head.
Shopkeeper	Look at this hat. Look at this.
	They both look in the mirror.
Farley	Yeah, just ...
Shopkeeper	Look how it fits. Isn't that beautiful? Huh?
Farley	Yeah, but ...
Shopkeeper	It's not too big; it's just right!
Farley	(looks at shopkeeper) Yeah, but ...
Shopkeeper	... But what?
Farley	Well, gee whiz, you see, I've got a small head, and you've got a big head. Look in the mirror.
Shopkeeper	Wait a minute ...
	He takes the muffler hat off, and examines his head in the mirror.
Shopkeeper	Well -- look at that! My head is bigger than your head.
Farley	Yeah, and you see, because I've got a small head, that hat is too big for me!
Shopkeeper	Isn't that something! You're right. Hmm!
Farley	Yeah, although it looks pretty good on you.
	They both go back to the front desk.
Shopkeeper	You don't want this hat, do you?
Farley	No, I don't.
Shopkeeper	Of course not!
Farley	No.
	The shopkeeper puts the hat back on his head, and hits the table.
Shopkeeper	I want this hat!
Farley	Wha?
Shopkeeper	It's a beautiful fit! I'll take it. Thank you. Just charge it, okay?
Farley	Uh, but ...
Shopkeeper	(looks around) Nice store you have here!
Farley	Uh ...
Shopkeeper	You should get a hat yourself sometime. (exits the shop)
Farley	But ... mister, I ...
	The door shuts. Farley stands there, confused.

Short Take

	A hat shop, day. The shopkeeper is minding his business. Farley enters the shop.
Shopkeeper	Hey there! Hi, son, what can I do for you today?
Farley	Oh, hi, uh, I'd like to buy a new hat.
Shopkeeper	Well, you came to the right place! Just step around here by the counter, just step right around here.
Farley	Oh, OK. (walks over to the shopkeeper)
Shopkeeper	(gets a good look at Farley) Now let me look at you. What kind of cap would you like to have? Uh ...
Farley	Well, uh ...
Shopkeeper	Yeah, right, I know what kind you want, here it is, a beautiful blue cap! (displays a large blue baseball cap)
Farley	But ...
Shopkeeper	Just bend right down there ...
	He puts the cap on Farley's head; it's so big it covers Farley's entire face.
Farley	Uh ...
Shopkeeper	There it is! Perfect size for ya!
Farley	But -- but -- but ...
Shopkeeper	Just look in the mirror right there.
Farley	What happened? ...
Shopkeeper	The mirror's right there.
	Farley faces the mirror.
Farley	Uh ... (muffled) some, something's wrong ...
Shopkeeper	Isn't that beautiful? Uh, something's wrong, though, you're right, you're right, I saw that too.
Farley	But... (turns around)
Shopkeeper	(removes the hat and looks at it) Uh, let me see there. It's the wrong color, isn't it? Yes, the wrong color.
	He sets the blue hat aside.
Farley	No, you see it's ...
Shopkeeper	Let me, uh ...
Farley	No, let ... but ... but ...
	The shopkeeper gets out a yellow hat, which is the same size as the blue hat.
Shopkeeper	How about this? How about this beautiful yellow one, how's that? Right there!
	He puts it on Farley's head -- again, it covers his eyes and nose.
Farley	Uh ... uh ...
Shopkeeper	There! Just turn around, the mirror's right behind ya!
	He turns Farley in the direction of the mirror.
Shopkeeper	Just -- that's it. How's that, huh? Is that a hat or is that a hat?
Farley	That's not it.
Shopkeeper	That's not it, though. You're right, it's a hat, but it's not YOUR hat!
Farley	Yeah, you see, because ...
Shopkeeper	Uh, what's wrong with that hat?
Farley	Ah ... ow ...
Shopkeeper	(takes it off Farley's head and sets it aside) Uh, I'll take it off here, it's, I know what's wrong! You've got a keen eye!
Farley	It ... but ...
Shopkeeper	What's wrong is ...
Farley	Yeah, uh, you see, it's ...
Shopkeeper	... you need earmuffs on your hat!
	He picks up the last hat on the table, a muffler hat.
Farley	No -- n-no -- ah -- no ...
	The shopkeeper places it smack dab on Farley's small head once again, and turns him towards the mirror.
Shopkeeper	Here's a nice yellow hat with earmuffs, now just turn around, there's the mirror ...
Farley	No -- what the --
Shopkeeper	Look at that beautiful hat! Look at that hat!
Farley	(sigh)
Shopkeeper	What a handsome man you are!
Farley	It's too big.
Shopkeeper	It's too ... (pause) ... what?
Farley	I, I said, "It's too big."
Shopkeeper	Now wait a minute. OK, I'll try it on. I'll show you it's not too big. It's a perfect fit.
Farley	Ah -- but --
	The shopkeeper takes the hat off Farley and puts it on his own head.
Shopkeeper	Stand back, I'll just put 'er on here ...
	They both look in the mirror.
Shopkeeper	What a beautiful fit this is! Look at that! Fits beautifully!
Farley	Yeah, well, you see, I got a small head, and you've got a big head. Look in the mirror.
	The shopkeeper takes the muffler hat off, and examines his head in the mirror.
Shopkeeper	Look at that! You're right. I've got a big head, and you've got a small head.
Farley	Yeah, and because I've got a small head, that hat is too big for me!
Shopkeeper	You're right! You don't want this hat!
Farley	No, I don't.
	The shopkeeper puts the hat back on his head.
Shopkeeper	I want this hat.
Farley	Huh?
Shopkeeper	Right. Just charge it, okay? (proceeds to leave the shop)
Farley	But --
Shopkeeper	It's a great hat! (looks around) It's a nice store you have here, too!
Farley	Uh -- but --
Shopkeeper	You should get a hat for yourself someday. (exits the shop)
Farley	But, uh, but, mi--
	The door shuts. Farley stands there, confused.