Episode 218: Jaye P. Morgan/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 218: Jaye P. Morgan.

Cold open

	The dressing room. Scooter knocks and enters.
Scooter	Jaye P. Morgan? Jaye P. Morgan, 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Morgan.
Jaye P.	Oh Scooter? I have a little present for you. (she tosses him a lit bomb)
Scooter	Aw, gee, thanks. Hey, this is a...
	Explosion.
Jaye P.	This is not going to be just another cute puppet show.

Theme

Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Jaye P. Morgan!
	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Waldorf	Let's get this turkey on the road!
	Explosion. Crazy Harry blows Gonzo away.

Opening number

	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Thank you, thank you, thank you! And here we are again with another one of those things entitled The Muppet Show. And starting off, we are going to do the very first piece of material the Muppets ever did. No kidding. It was a little song entitled "Tweedlee Dee", and we first did it about twenty-three years ago. But tonight, we have a new and cute version of it done by our special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Jaye P. Morgan! Yaaaay!
	Open on Jaye P. dressed as a bird, flying in mid-air.
Jaye P.	Tweedlee tweedlee tweedlee dee. I'm as happy as can be. Jimminy cricket, jimminy jack, You make my heart go clickety-clack. Tweedlee tweedlee tweedlee dee.
Jaye P.	"Tweedlee tweedlee dee?" What am I doing here? I mean, this is really corny. I flew eight thousand miles to be here. The plane was late, I haven't slept, and I'm dressing with a bunch of pigs. Then they put me in this bird-brained costume. Want me to be cute? The feathers smell like a skunk. Then I gotta sing. Tweedlee dee, tweedlee dee.
Purple bird	Give it back, give it back, give your love to me.
Jaye P.	Huh? (sings with bird) Tweedlee dot, tweedlee dot.
Purple bird	Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme all the love you got! Chirpy chirp chirp chirp! Hoo-wee, you are one cute bird, Jaye P.!
Jaye P.	I'm getting sick, too.
Purple bird	In fact, you're one cute Jaye bird, Jaye P.! (laughs)
Jaye P.	Oh, terrific. Now they're making bad jokes on my name.
Purple bird	Huh. I thought it was funny.
Jaye P.	This is the worst! I mean, what're you gonna ask me to do next?
Purple bird	Modulate, Jaye P., modulate. Woo-hoo!
Jaye P.	Tweedlee tweedlee tweedlee dumb.
Purple bird	You're as sweet as bubble gum!
Jaye P.	Going into a coma. Mercy mercy puddin' pie…
Purple bird	Say, you've got something that money can't buy!
Jaye P.	(with bird) Tweedlee tweedlee tweedlee dumb!
Jaye P.	Dumb is right.
Jaye P.	(with bird) Tweedlee tweedlee tweedlee dee!
Purple bird	All right, here we go, head for home!
Jaye P.	Home it is!
Jaye P.	(with bird) Tweedlee tweedlee tweedlee dee!
	She lands in a tree.
Jaye P.	Dumb.
	Applause.
Statler	Oh, Jaye P. Morgan is terrific.
Waldorf	Yep, but that number was for the birds. (chuckles)
Statler	You had to do that joke, huh?
Waldorf	(to viewer) One of us had to and I lost the toss. (chuckles)

Backstage

	The purple bird passes Kermit.
Purple bird	Cheep, cheep!
Kermit	OK, way to go, bird! Back to your dressing nest.
	He stops Jaye P. as she passes by.
Kermit	Oh, Jaye P.! Hey, that was a terrific number.
Jaye P.	It was?
Kermit	Oh, it really was. I just can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on the show.
Jaye P.	Ah, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here. (disrobes)
Kermit	Indifferent?
Jaye P.	Yeah, well, you know what I mean.
Kermit	But, w-what's wrong? That last number was terrific. It was really cute.
Jaye P.	Yeah, it was cute, wasn't it? (chuckles)
Kermit	Oh, it was. It was just so cute.
Jaye P.	I hate cute.
Kermit	Uh, we're in trouble. Uh, listen, Jaye P., uh, we're not all cute around here.
Animal	Oh! Jaye P.! (she backs away from him)
Jaye P.	Wait, Animal, don't do it! I, I... Cute's not the only thing I hate!
Kermit	Hey, Chef, you're on! (runs after them) Animal!

The Swedish Chef

	Open on the Chef waving a knife and a whisk. He gets the two of them tangled as he sings.
Swedish Chef	(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
	He sets them aside, and addresses the coconut on the cutting board.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de cøcönüt.
	He taps it.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … øpën de cøcönüt. … de tøp, de bøttøm … (taps it with the knife) … cüt de cøcönüt …
	He gives up on the knife and picks up a saw.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … såwzën de cøcönüt … (hums)
	He gives up on the saw and picks up a mallet.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de cløbbër. Cløbbër de cøcönüt.
	He gets ready, then gives it a light tap. He opens the coconut, and a lit bomb falls out.
Swedish Chef	Öh! De bøom?
	Explosion. Applause.
Statler	Now, wait just a minute. That's the second time tonight they've used a bomb joke.
	Waldorf hands Statler a bomb, which explodes.
Waldorf	(chuckles) Three's a charm.

Backstage

	The Chef passes by Fozzie.
Fozzie	Hey, bang-up job, Chef. Ahhhh. Hey, hey, Kermit. How's Jaye P.?
Kermit	Oh, she's fine. She was a little upset because the opening number was cute, but uh, she's okay now.
Fozzie	Good.
Kermit	I just sent up a cake to her dressing room.
Fozzie	Mmm. Wait — Kermit! Not the cake that was here on the table?
Kermit	Uh, yeah. Why?
Fozzie	Ohh! Crazy Harry baked it.
	Upstairs, Crazy Harry sets off the detonator. Explosion.
Crazy Harry	(cackles)
	Jaye P. exits her smoky dressing room, coughing.
Jaye P.	Hey, Kermit, can we get back to the cute part? (faints)
Kermit	Uh, Jaye P., I'll be right up! Uh, Fozzie, go introduce the next number.
Fozzie	(rushes away) Yes sir, yes, yes, yes.

Gonzo's act

	Main stage. Fozzie enters.
Fozzie	Hey, uh, hey. Kermit wants me to do the next introduction. Ahem …
Statler	Oh, yeah?
Waldorf	Well, he's the only one who does.
	They chuckle.
Fozzie	Hey, hey, come on, guys. No heckling? I mean, I'm not even out here to tell jokes.
Statler	Have you ever been?
	They chuckle.
Fozzie	Heyyyyy, you know that the bear is funny.
Waldorf	You're right. In fact, I never enjoyed you more than I did last week. (Statler nods)
Fozzie	Oh, th... Well, I didn't do an act last week.
Waldorf	I rest my case.
	They chuckle.
Statler	That's very good! (laughs)
Fozzie	(sigh) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, here is Gonzo the Great with a trumpet solo, "Flight of the Bumblebee".
Statler	That does it, I'm leaving. (exits)
	Gonzo plays "The Flight of the Bumblebee" on a trumpet accompanied by Rowlf on the piano. A small bumblebee starts flying around and Animal chases the bumblebee with a club, injuring both Gonzo and Rowlf in the process.

At the Dance

	Couples dance in a ballroom.
Whatnot (JH)	You know, the trouble with women is they always take things personally.
Woman (JH)	I don't.
	Switch to Zelda Rose and Droop.
Zelda Rose	The trouble with men is that they're all too wishy-washy.
Droop	Well, sometimes yes, and... sometimes no.
	Switch to two more.
Pink lady (RH)	The trouble with you is you can't take criticism.
Blue Frackle (RH)	Oh, that's a low-down, rotten lie. What do you mean I can't take...
	Switch to two more.
Man (FO)	The trouble with you is you're conceited.
Woman (FO)	I am not. Although I have every reason to be.
	Switch to two more.
Woman (DG)	The trouble with you is you're always sticking your nose into everybody's business.
Man (DG)	Aw, what choice have I got?
	Switch to two more.
Man (JH)	You know, the trouble with you is you're so stubborn. You refuse to change.
	POOF! Her head turns into a Green Frackle's head.
Green Frackle (JH)	Wanna bet?

UK spot

	Rowlf plays "English Country Garden" on the piano. Fozzie stops by and observes, then plays it in a higher octave.
Rowlf	Hey. I didn't know you could play the piano.
Fozzie	I didn't know it either.
Rowlf	I'll join in.
	Rowlf joins in.
Rowlf	Very good. Here I go. (plays)
Fozzie	Oh, he's good.
	They play together.
Rowlf	Yeah.
Fozzie	Ahh...
Rowlf	This is my part. (plays) … Take it.
Rowlf	Very good.
Fozzie	Thank you.
Rowlf	Mine. (plays, then Fozzie plays) … Yeah. Together!
	They play together.
Fozzie	Okay. You take it now, okay? Ready, go! (Rowlf plays) Ahh...
Rowlf	Come on in!
	They play together.
Fozzie	This is fun! Ahhhh.
Rowlf	Ready?
Fozzie	What?
Rowlf	Modulate.
Fozzie	What's that?
	They modulate together.
Rowlf	Yeah, you did it.
Fozzie	Thank you. Whatever.
	Fozzie's hat falls off. They continue playing.
Fozzie	Oh, my hat. What do I do? (tosses it)
Rowlf	Can you play hatless?
Fozzie	What?
Rowlf	I said "Can you play hatless?"
Fozzie	I don't know. Who wrote it?
Rowlf	Keep playing!
Fozzie	Yes, sir.
	They play louder and faster.
Fozzie	Oh, that's how it works, huh?
Rowlf	Just play.
Fozzie	Yes, sir. (they accelerate their playing) Big finish.
	They do the big finish.
Fozzie	Watch out!
Rowlf	Huh?
	Fozzie goes from the high to the low notes, knocking Rowlf over. Applause.

Talk spot

Kermit	Well, Jaye P., how ya doing?
Jaye P.	Just terrible. (laughs) No, I mean, so far on the show, I've been attacked by Animal and two explosions have gone off next to me. I'm starting to feel like a moving target around here.
Kermit	Well … well, let me explain about those explosions. You see, on this show explosions are one of our trademarks.
Jaye P.	I can believe that.
Kermit	Uh, in— in fact, on this show, things blow up all the time. I mean, anything can blow up.
	Explosion. He explodes, then pops up behind her from the other side.
Kermit	Uh, you see what I mean?
Jaye P.	Wow! (chuckles) How'd you do that?
Kermit	Well, it was really quite simple.
	Explosion. He explodes, then shows up again.
Kermit	In fact, it's rather fun.
Jaye P.	(laughs) I guess you could say you got a bang out of it, huh? (laughs)
Kermit	Uh, well, you could say that, but, uh, we did that joke last year.
Jaye P.	Check. Uh, what else could we talk about?
Kermit	Uh, how about your hat?
Jaye P.	Oh, great idea. You know, explosions are one of your trademarks?
Kermit	Mm-hmm.
Jaye P.	Well, spectacular hats are one of mine.
Kermit	Ah, that one is fantastic.
Jaye P.	I particularly wanted to wear this one on The Muppet Show, too.
Kermit	Well, why is that?
	Explosion. The hat has its own pyrotechnics.
Jaye P.	(laughs) I guess you could say I blew my top? (laughs)
Kermit	Yeah, well, you could say that but we did that (with Jaye P.) joke last year.
Jaye P.	Mm. Figures.
Kermit	Uh, well, Jaye P, I think this talk spot is about over. Shall we leave?
Jaye P.	Why not?
Kermit	After you.
	She explodes, then he does. Statler and Waldorf chuckle.
Waldorf	Uh, do you suppose that means we'll never see them again?
Statler	Well, we can always hope.
	They chuckle.

"Big Noise from Winnetka"

Floyd	(scats) Two, three, four.
	Floyd and Nigel team up to perform "Big Noise from Winnetka." Floyd trades in his trademark Sergeant Pepper jacket for a white suit and his bass guitar for a bass violin. Nigel, in a rare performance, displays a talent for whistling.

Pigs in Space

Announcer	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! Starring the fatuous Captain Link Hogthrob … the recalcitrant first mate, Miss Piggy … and the describable Dr. Strangepork. When last we left the spaceship Swinetrek, it was in serious danger as it plummeted towards Earth at an alarming rate.
Link Hogthrob	Uh, Dr. Strangepork, why are we plummeting toward Earth at an alarming rate?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	We've lost the #3 engine.
Link Hogthrob	Well, how long will it take to fix it?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	We can't. It's really lost, it fell off.
Link Hogthrob	(frets) Uh! Uh, uh … is there anything we can do?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Yes, we can maintain our present altitude if we lighten the weight of the rocket ship.
Link Hogthrob	How much weight will we have to toss overboard?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Um... one pig. Yeah, that should do it.
Link Hogthrob	Rather drastic, isn't it?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Oh, I wasn't thinking of you, Link. You're the captain.
Link Hogthrob	(relieved) Well, then perhaps it isn't so drastic.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Well, I would volunteer myself, except that I'm the only one who knows how all this technical shtuff works.
Link Hogthrob	That's very true. Well, if it isn't you, or me...
	Enter Piggy. She sits down, exhausted. Link and Strangepork look at each other.
Miss Piggy	(sigh) Well, I just finished doing the laundry.
Link Hogthrob	Oh. Well, thank you, First Mate Piggy.
Miss Piggy	But I'm telling you right now, that is the last laundry this pig is doing!
Dr. Julius Strangepork	You can say that again. (nods)
Link Hogthrob	Uh, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy	Hmm?
Link Hogthrob	I have a new assignment for you.
Miss Piggy	Oh, yes, my capitan?
Link Hogthrob	Ahem. Uh, Dr. Strangepork, do you mind?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Oh, of course. See you later, Link. Bon voyage, Miss Piggy. (leaves)
Miss Piggy	Weird exit line.
Link Hogthrob	Uh, First Mate Piggy, I need your help.
Miss Piggy	Yes! A real assignment. Yes, yes!
Link Hogthrob	We are losing altitude…
Miss Piggy	(gasp)
Link Hogthrob	…and we must lighten the weight of the rocket by throwing something overboard.
Miss Piggy	Oh, and... and you want me to help you decide what?
Link Hogthrob	No.
Miss Piggy	Oh?
Link Hogthrob	We've already decided what.
Miss Piggy	What?
Link Hogthrob	(gulps)
	Pause. It sinks in with Piggy.
Miss Piggy	ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!
Link Hogthrob	(nervous) No hard feelings, I hope, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy	NO HARD FEELINGS?? WHY YOU… AHH!
	He ejects her before she can karate-chop him. When he closes the ejector door, she pops up behind him.
Link Hogthrob	Au revoir, fatso!
	She taps him on the shoulder.
Miss Piggy	FATSO THIS!! Hi-YAH!
	She karate-chops him, then stomps on him.
Announcer	Tune in next week and see the replacement for… PIGS… IN… SPACE!

Muppet newsflash

Newsman	(runs to the desk) Here is a Muppet news flash. A charter flight carrying the London Symphony Orchestra has been forced to jettison some of the musical instruments. The...
	A piano falls on him.

Backstage

	Scooter talks to his uncle.
Scooter	Uh, well, Uncle J.P., sir, I think you'll find that things around your theater here are just the same as they were last time you came.
J.P. Grosse	That bad, huh? Well, I'll just have a look around. I believe in giving the frog a fair trial before I throw him out. (walks away)
Scooter	But, sir, uh... Oh. Hey, Kermit?
Kermit	Hmm?
Scooter	I think you should know my uncle, J.P. Grosse, the man who owns this theater, is making another inspection.
Kermit	Oh, not J.P. I don't think I can take it.
	Jaye P. overhears him from upstairs.
Kermit	Of all the people I can't stand to have around here when we're doing the show, J.P. is the worst!
	Jaye P. stands behind Kermit.
Kermit	I mean, J.P. is without a doubt the most difficult, impossible unfriendly...
Scooter	Uh, uh, oh... (turns him around and flees)
Kermit	Oh, hi, Jaye P. — Jaye P.! — Uh, when I said J.P., just now, I didn't mean Jaye P., Jaye P., I meant "J.P." J.P. You know what I mean?
Jaye P.	No.
Kermit	Uh, right.
Jaye P.	Wrong.
Kermit	Oh, you see, I love having you on the show, but J.P. Grosse, the man who owns this theater, is the meanest, stingiest, most heartless person I know.
J.P. Grosse	(standing behind him) Ahem! I hope you mean that as a compliment, frog.
	Jaye P. and J.P. gang up on him.
Kermit	I think I just put both feet in my mouth.
	Jaye P. and J.P. nod.

Editorial

	Sam takes the podium as his fanfare plays.
Sam the Eagle	Ladies and gentlemen, today I talk to you of crime.
	Three burglars pop up behind him.
Sam the Eagle	A matter of utmost urgency. We must all be forever on our guard against this rising wave of banditry.
	The burglars begin stealing various items, such as a TV monitor, a painting, and a safe.
Sam the Eagle	Yes, yes, banditry and skullduggery... or our entire universe is in danger of being stolen from under us. My friends... My friends, I... I caution you to keep out an eagle eye for the blackguards and rapscallions who are perpetrating this reign of latrociny.
	The burglars steal his emblem banner and the pillars.
Sam the Eagle	Latrociny, that means stealing. What, if it weren't for my own eternal vigilance, and... and... and... and absolute awareness of crime, I'm certain that the rising legions of sneak thieves and ne'er-do-wells, and... and snakes in the grasses …
	A burglar taps him on the shoulder.
Sam the Eagle	… would strip this theater... bare.
	As he looks behind him, the burglars steal his podium. He turns around and notices it missing.
Sam the Eagle	Uh, now, remember... make watchfulness... Oh! (the burglars carry him away) … uh, your watchword. Thank you and good night! Wait a minute!
Statler	I now realize television has one major advantage over a live stage show.
Waldorf	Huh? What's that?
Statler	A television, you can turn off.
	They chuckle.

Backstage

	The burglars pass Kermit, carrying Sam.
Sam the Eagle	Kermit!
Kermit	Hey, you guys better return that eagle! In about 30 days... or more.
Scooter	Hey, chief?
Kermit	Hmm?
Scooter	What's the closing number?
Kermit	Oh, it's a song with Jaye P. Morgan. I think it's gonna be great. At least I hope so, because we've been a little rough on her. It's a perfect song for Jaye P., "That Old Black Magic". I only hope Jaye P. Will do it.
J.P. Grosse	Uh, if the price is right, I'll do it! Always wanted to sing.
Kermit	Hoo boy. Having two J.P.'s around is really rough.
J.P. Grosse	Glad you recognize talent, kid. Maybe I'll let you keep the theater.
Kermit	(stammers)
J.P. Grosse	Now, let's talk about the singing contract.
Kermit	Well — well — well, you see, J.P., I'd really love for you to sing and I'm sure you've got a swell singing voice …
J.P. Grosse	Ha ha, yeah, well …
Kermit	Hey, Scooter, go introduce Jaye P. Morgan while I handle this.
Scooter	Yeah, good luck, silver tongue. Hoy! (walks onstage)
Kermit	Uh, now, um...
J.P. Grosse	All right, where do I sign?
Kermit	Well, uh … hoo boy.

"That Old Black Magic"

	Main stage. Scooter enters to applause.
Scooter	Ladies and gentlemen, here is one of the really super ladies of song, Miss Jaye P. Morgan, with "That Old Black Magic".
	Jaye P. Morgan sings "That Old Black Magic" with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.

Goodnights

Kermit	Well, we started this some time ago and it has to end someplace, so this must be the place. But before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Jaye P. Morgan! YAAAYY!
	Applause.
Jaye P.	Oh! Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Kermit, it was, oh... You know, I've been blown up, beaten up, insulted. Everything's happened to me, but I've had a great time. I mean it.
Kermit	Oh, well, it tends to be like that around here.
J.P. Grosse	And now, for my first song...
Kermit	(stammers)
J.P. Grosse	I'd like to dedicate this to the boys down at the J.P. Grosse Collection Agency. Now … (sings) Give me that money, can't get enough, just keep sendin' that greenback stuff!
Kermit	We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
J.P. Grosse	Money! Just keep it comin' …
	He keeps singing as the credits roll.
Statler	I wonder if anybody watches this show besides us. (he notices Waldorf sleeping) Besides me.