Cold open

Pops reads the comics and giggles. Linda enters with a suitcase.
Pops Who are you?
Linda I'm Linda Ronstadt. I'm gonna be the guest on your show.
Pops Oh yeah! Linda Ronstadt! Oh, Kermit said to roll out the red carpet for ya!
She notices a giant hole in the carpet.
Linda Got a little moth problem here?
Pops No, a big moth problem.
A giant moth flies by.
523-1

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Linda Ronstadt! Yaaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
LipsTrumpet Opening
302 horn
When Gonzo blows his trumpet, white sparks fly out.
Gonzo Popcorn!

Opening act / Backstage

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause, wearing a dapper suit.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. And you picked a great show not to miss, because our guest star is one of the great singers of all time, Miss Linda Ronstadt! (audience cheers) Yes! But first, let's get things started with Bugsy Salsipueda and his hypnotized horse!
523-3
Bugsy and his horse take the stage. Bugsy dangles a watch in front of the horse. Meanwhile, backstage, Gonzo and Scooter lug a steamer trunk.
Scooter This sure is heavy.
523-4
Gonzo (grunts) It should be! It contains my entire fungus collection. (opens it)
Scooter (flatly) Terrific.
Gonzo Oh no! We forgot the mildew!
He runs off with Scooter, bumping into Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy Will you — please watch it?! (looks in the trunk) Yuchhh!
Kermit straightens his outfit while looking in the mirror.
Miss Piggy Kermie! Kermie?
Kermit Hey, is she here yet?
Miss Piggy Kermie. You're all dressed up.
523-5
Kermit Well, of course. Linda Ronstadt is our guest.
Miss Piggy Oh. Yes, the uh, ahem, girl singer.
Kermit (nods) Oh, I just can't wait to meet her. She is terrific! And besides that, she's a real foxy lady.
Miss Piggy Foxy lady?
Kermit Uh, excuse me, I gotta get the flowers I ordered. (walks off)
Miss Piggy Flowers? (hides her face) Oh, good grief, it's what's-her-name Ronstadt.
Linda comes out of her dressing room.
Linda Hi, Miss Piggy. Have you seen Kermit?
Miss Piggy (giggles) Many times, dear.
Linda (comes downstairs) I've never met him and … well, I'm such a fan of his.
Miss Piggy Oh, are you really, now? Heh.
523-6
Linda Oh, there's something about him, well, he's … oh, he's just so earnest.
Miss Piggy Uh huh. (leads her away) Um, uh, dear, uh, Kermit just might be behind stage, y'know, why don't you have a look over there, ahah, and you can put on the rest of your clothes. (grunts) Time for decisive action!
Kermit emerges with the flowers.
Kermit Oh, Linda? I got some flow-AAH!
Piggy throws him in the steamer trunk and locks it.
Miss Piggy That should be decisive enough. (exits)
Kermit (from inside the trunk) Help? Help! Help!

"Blue Bayou"

523-7
On stage, the horse dangles the watch in front of the hypnotized Bugsy and snickers. Piggy shoos them away as a fanfare plays, then drags the Swedish Chef onstage.
Miss Piggy Get off! Off! Get off! Get off!
523-8
Miss Piggy Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Kermit has asked a friend of his to introduce … what's-her-face. Ahem. (exits)
Swedish Chef Uh … (mock Swedish) … Lïndå Rønstådt! (waves hands) Yååååÿy!
Lindaronstandt 523-9
The curtain opens on a cabin in the middle of a swamp. Floyd, Janice, Animal, Zeke and some frogs accompany Linda as she sings "Blue Bayou".
Waldorf Oh, I thought that bayou number was okay, didn't you?
Statler Well, it's okay by me if it's okay bayou!
They chuckle.

The Swedish Chef / Muppet newsflash

Open on the Chef, with a champagne bottle on the table. He plays with a glass as he sings.
Swedish Chef (sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
He tosses the glass away, and addresses the bottle.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … de bübblÿ-bübblÿ! (mock Swedish) de fïrstÿ, pøppën de cørkën.
523-10
He struggles to open the bottle. Finally, the cork propels him into the air. Fade to the newsroom.
Newsman Here is a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Local citizens have reported the sighting of an unidentified flying object. When last seen, it was directly over the Muppet newsroom.
523-11
PLOP! The Chef falls on the newsman.

"The Cat Came Back"

Rowlf plays the banjo and sings. A terrier in the house behind him plays the fiddle.
523-12
Rowlf

Little Bennie had a cat that they wouldn't let him keep,
So he put her up for sale at a price he thought was cheap.

Song.catcameback
Rowlf

He took her to a neighbor to ask him for advice.
He said…

Neighbor Leave the kitty here. She can help me with the mice.
He takes Gaffer away, and she walks back to the porch.
Rowlf

But the cat came back, she wouldn't stay away.
She was sitting on the porch the very next day.
The cat came back, she didn't want to roam.
The very next day it was Home, Sweet Home.

Rover Joe pulls up in a yellow truck and drives off with Gaffer.
Rowlf

Then Bennie met a man who was driving way out West.
He would take the cat along as a special honored guest.
The steering wheel was wobbly, he drove into a tree …

CRASH!
Rowlf The car was just a total wreck as anyone could see …

But the cat came back, she wouldn't stay away.
She was sitting on the porch the very next day.
The cat came back, she didn't want to roam.
The very next day it was Home, Sweet Home.

A cannon is rolled into view.
Rowlf

So Bennie bought a gun from the Human Cannonball.
He put the cat inside with Tri-Nitro Toluol.
When he pulled the trigger, the cannon made a roar.

KABOOM!
Rowlf The neighbors all surrendered 'cause they thought it was a war …
Neighbors (waving white flags) We surrender! We surrender! …
Rowlf & neighbors

But the cat came back, she wouldn't stay away.
She was sitting on the porch the very next day.

Rowlf

The cat came back, she didn't want to roam.
The very next day it was Home, Sweet Home.
Last verse, here we go.

A dog gives Gaffer a bomb with a lit fuse.
Rowlf

Little Bennie gave the cat to a man who had a bomb.
When he took the cat away, she was acting cool and calm.
And then the bomb exploded, it made an awful sound…

KABOOM! The house blows up.
Rowlf They looked and looked for ages and the man was never found.

Buuuuut the cat came back, she wouldn't stay away.
She was sitting on the porch the very next day. Sing!

Rowlf & neighbors

The cat came back, she didn't want to roam.
The very next day it was Home, Sweet Home.

Rowlf Very nice.
Applause.
Waldorf Woof woof!
Statler Meow.
They chuckle.

Backstage

Rowlf leads Gaffer and the dogs backstage.
Scooter Well, I see the cat came back.
Rowlf Well, we all came back. That's 'cause the number's over. C'mon, cat — whoa! Whooaaa!
Linda comes downstairs, fully dressed.
Linda Kermit? Kermit? Have you seen Kermit?
Scooter Well, no. But it's not like him to leave. I'll look for him for you. Uh, but don't touch that trunk. It's full of fungus. (runs off)
Linda Yuchh! Thanks for the warning. Kermit?
Kermit (from inside the trunk) Let me outta here.
She opens the trunk and he gasps for air. She holds her nose.
Linda Eww. You're not fungus.
Kermit (sniffs) I'm sorry about the smell.
Linda You're Kermit the Frog!
Kermit Oh — oh, Linda! I'm so glad you're doing the show!
Linda Oh, I'm so pleased to be here.
Kermit Oh, good! You know, I, I got some uh, I got some flowers for you … darn, they got crushed.
She sits down as music swells up.
Linda Aww. Nothing wrong with crushes.
Kermit Huh?
The lights dim. Linda sings.
Linda I've got a crush on you …
Kermit On me?
Linda

… Sweetie pie.
Morning, noon and nighttime, hear me sigh,
The world will pardon my mush…

Kermit Um …
523-13
Linda 'Cause I have got a crush … my baby, on you.
Applause.
Kermit I didn't know you could sing, Linda.
Linda Um … maybe I'd better go get dressed for my next number.
Kermit Oh.
She gives him a kiss and goes upstairs.
Kermit Uh, uh, see you later, sweetie.
Piggy shuts the trunk.
Miss Piggy Don't count on it, fungus-face!

UK spot

Song.imsohappy 523-14
Two terribly depressed Whatnots sing "I'm So Happy" while overrun with cobwebs.

Dressing room

Linda makes herself up in the mirror. Someone knocks on the door.
Linda Is that you, Kermit?
Janice (enters) No, it's just me. Hi, Linder.
Linda Hi, Janice.
Janice You wanna go over the song?
Linda Yeah, I guess so.
Janice Great.
Two backup singers get behind Linda.
Linda You haven't seen Kermit, have you?
Janice No.
Linda Well — he was here, but — now I can't seem to find him again.
Janice Oh, bummer.
Linda Well … at least I got his picture.
Linda, Janice and the backup singers launch into a rendition of "It's in His Kiss".
LindaRonstadt 523-15

Lola the Fan Dancer

Scooter Well, we still don't have Kermit the Frog, but we do have Lola the fan dancer!
523-16
The curtain opens on Lola, who dances with two electric fans as burlesque music plays. The fans briefly lift her up to the ceiling, and she falls.

Backstage

Scooter (through the intercom) Pigs in Space on next.
Linda Scooter, have you seen Kermit?
Scooter Hmm?
Linda I'm still looking for him.
Scooter Aren't we all?
Linda I thought he liked me.
The steamer trunk rattles, knocking over a flower vase.
Linda Kermit? Are you still in there? Kermit?
Kermit (from inside the trunk) Piggy did this! She locked me in!
Linda You've gotta stop doing this!
Scooter Pigs in Space on stage!
The cast passes by. Linda stops Piggy in her tracks.
Miss Piggy Watch out, guys …
Linda Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy Hello, Linda dear. Haha.
Linda Miss Piggy, you oughta be ashamed of yourself.
Miss Piggy Uh-oh.
Linda Locking Kermit in that trunk?
Miss Piggy Um … trunk — well, it uh … it's not a trunk. It's a, um … sauna. Yes, it's a sauna. Uh, frogs love it. Dry heat, don't you know.
523-17
Scooter Piggy, onstage, now!
Miss Piggy Oh, yes, yes. (wheels the trunk) I'll just take my prop with me. Haha.
Linda Scooter, Kermit's in that trunk.
Scooter I know, Linda. But the show must go on!

Pigs in Space

Vehicle.Swinetrek
Announcer And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! As you may remember, the crew of the Swinetrek had captured a deadly battle robot.
Link Hogthrob Oh! A deadly battle robot! Ohh! I'm so frightened! (sucks his thumb)
Dr. Julius Strangepork Where is the deadly battle robot, Link?
Link Hogthrob (points) First Mate Piggy has it!
Piggy wheels in the steamer trunk, grunting.
Link Hogthrob Uh, that's a deadly battle robot?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Looks like a steamer trunk.
Link Hogthrob Mmm. (nods)
Miss Piggy Um … well, uh, the deadly battle robots often disguise themselves as … steamer trunks.
Link Hogthrob Ohh! (cowers, sucking his thumb)
Dr. Julius Strangepork Don't be scared, Captain Link! I will neutralize the deadly battle robot with the Zappo ray! It's Zappo time!
Kermit (from inside trunk) No! No! No!
523-18
Miss Piggy Just a moment! Just a moment. Kermie? Uh, are you going to see Linda Ronstadt again?
Kermit Piggy, that's not fair.
Miss Piggy It's Zappo time!
Dr. Julius Strangepork Okay!
He zaps the trunk as Kermit winces. A hook drags the trunk away.
Miss Piggy Ronstadt! (runs off)
Link Hogthrob What happened to the deadly battle robot?
Dr. Julius Strangepork I don't know! I must have zapped it into the fifth dimension!
Link Hogthrob (nods) Oh, thank you.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Don't mention it. (they both laugh)

Backstage

Piggy and Linda have a tug-of-war with the trunk.
Miss Piggy No — please don't take my frog away! (grunts)
Linda I'm taking him to a locksmith!
Miss Piggy Hah! Love laughs at locksmiths! Ha ha ha ha ha!
523-19
Linda Wait a minute. Are you actually trying to tell me you're in love with Kermit?
Miss Piggy (sincerely) Linda … I love my frog more than life itself. I love him more than sunshine and laughter. I love him more than …
Linda More than chocolate cookies with white stuff in the middle?
Miss Piggy Linda … I do love Kermie.
Linda (hugs her) Oh, Piggy …
Miss Piggy I do! I do!
Kermit Uh, hey guys, yoo-hoo…
Miss Piggy Oh! Kermie! Kermie, um, uh, here's a key. (hands it to Linda) Here's a key. Take it. We're coming!
Linda Listen, Piggy, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'm gonna dedicate our final duet to just you and Kermit.
She opens the trunk, and he gasps for air.
Miss Piggy Oh!
Linda I wouldn't take your frog from you. C'mon, Kermit.
Miss Piggy What?

"When I Grow Too Old to Dream"

On stage, Rowlf plays a fanfare on the piano as Linda emerges to applause.
Kermit Um, okay, yeah, we'll talk about that later, Miss Piggy.
Linda Oh, Kermit. Thanks for singing this song for me. Even though I know your heart still belongs to Piggy.
Kermit Well, you may know that, a-and Piggy may know that, but … the vote's not in yet from the frog.
Linda Well … it's been nice being with you. Even if it's only been for a little while.
523-20 523-21
They sing a duet of "When I Grow Too Old to Dream", later joined by the other Muppets. Piggy watches from the wings, and Rizzo sobs.

Goodnights

Kermit Okay! Well, we've just about come to the end of another one, and I'm sorry I didn't get to see more of it because our guest star has been the very talented, the very beautiful, Miss LINDA RONSTADT! YAAAAYY!
Applause.
Linda And it's been fun singing with the very cute, and the very green, Kermit the Frog.
Kermit Aww! Thank you. A-and by the way, thank you, could I have a good night kiss? (puckers up)
Linda Do you think we should? I mean … Miss Piggy …
Kermit Oh. Well, don't worry about Miss Piggy, because I've taken care of her. She will cause us no problem.
Piggy, locked in the steamer trunk, hobbles onstage.
Miss Piggy (grunts)
Kermit Uh, just try to ignore that, Linda. Now how about that kiss?
Miss Piggy Hi-YAH!
523-22
Linda Maybe we'd better just shake hands and say goodnight.
Kermit (nods) You got it, kid. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Piggy knocks him over from within the trunk. The Muppets gather around Linda as the credits roll.
Statler I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't watched it!
Waldorf Believe what?
Statler I don't know. I wasn't watching.
They chuckle.
Atv zoot
THE END

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