Cold open

Pops Heh, heh, heh. spits out coffee Rubbish! Hey, hold on. Who are you?
Wally Oh, I'm Wally Boag. I'm the guest on tonight's Muppet Show.
Pops Wally Boag! Balloon animals! Why, I haven't seen you in a long time, old buddy. Remember me? Pops.
Wally Sorry, afraid I don't.
Pops Sure you do. You always called me Pops while I was the doorman at the old Bijou in Pittsburgh.
Wally Must have been someone else. I've never been to Pittsburgh.
Pops Oh, it must have been someone else. Well, sorry. I wanted to give the guy back the ten dollars he loaned me.
Wally Oh, that Pops! Good to see you again, Pops.

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Wally Boag — yaaay!

Opening act

Kermit Thank you, thank you. Hi-ho, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. As you know, every week we try to do a real old-fashioned vaudeville show. Well, this week, we're going to succeed. That's because in the wings is that master vaudevillian and king of comedy, Mr. Wally Boag. Yes! So, here for openers, are The Flying Zucchini Brothers and their human cannonball act. Yaaay!
1st Zucchini Brother Yeah, boom-ah boom-ah! Boom-ah boom-ah! Ladies and gentlemen, now for the Zucchini Brother's famous cannonball act. Brothers, squish down into your cannons, and point them to the heavens. Ah-squishy squishy. And now, ladies and gentlemen, get ready for the big boom-ah boom-ah. Brothers, signal when ready. Luigi.
Luigi Luigi, ready.
Marco Marco, ready.
Lorenzo Lorenzo, ready.
Giuseppe Giuseppe, ready.
Heathcliff Heathcliff, I'm ready mama.
1st Zucchini Brother And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Zucchini Brother's five man cannonball boom-ah boom-ah.
Kermit Is that it? Is the act over? Hey, it's a little short, fellas. Uh, close the curtain. Quick, change the scenery. Uh, moving right along, ladies and gentlemen, Lottie Lemon and her Singing Wig.
"Just Squeeze Me"
Statler Poor Lottie Lemon. I hope someone knows first aid.
Waldorf Forget first aid, Lottie needs lemonade.

Balloon animals

Kermit Uh, according to the Guinness Book of Records, on July 17, 1955, Wally Boag opened the Golden Horseshoe Revue in Disneyland. He's been doing five shows a day there, ever since. A total of over thirty-two thousand performances. Yes! So, having achieved this feat, he's decided to tempt fate and try to make it through one performance on The Muppet Show. So here he is, ladies and gentlemen, the amazing Wally Boag — yaaay!
Wally Here I am, your traveling salesman. Hi, Hermit.
Kermit Kermit.
Wally Ha-ha-ha. Great. What have I got for sale? Let me take a look in my purse. I've got balloons. I had balloons. Oh, well. Is there a psychiatrist in the house? Nothing personal, it's just that I have a new theory in psychiatry. I can tell people's troubles and their character by the way they blow up a toy balloon. And it's much cheaper than a couch. Let me show you how it works. For instance, the average and normal person would blow a balloon something like that. That's the average type. And then we have a straight, forward person. Straightforward type. Some people are a little backwards. Backwards, yes. The backward type, did you see that? Oh, I've got talent. Here's a, um, scatterbrain. Their mind jumps around a bit. The balloon will do they same thing. And, we'll get rid of that. Now, the message, you have a person wrap up all of these thoughts. Put them all together and you find out something more about them. I've made quite a name for myself doing this. And I don't like it. You've heard pink elephants. Here's someone who sees pink elephants. Looking a little like that. A little pink elephant, right there. Oh, you're so right. Let's take his, uh, trunk here now and make a little suitcase out of it. I have an uncle used to yell at us when he was inebriated — drunk — he was a character. He was a kleptomaniac. Kleptomaniac, that's a person who finds things before lose them. But, uh, he's reformed. He only steals things now that begin with A. A watch. A car. A purse. A wallet. A rabbit. Here's a little rabbit thing up there now. Hey, did you hear about the rabbit, washed his hare and couldn't do a thing with her. Perhaps you're right. This is just a normal husband leading the life of a dog. But he's a gay debonnaire French poodle type dog. And there's a little problem there. I have a French poodle. I had to sell my dog. He ran in front of the lawnmower to cut off his tail. I sold him whole sale. I couldn't re-tale him. Here's a, uh, nearsighted person. We'll just wrap these up now and see what we have. I want you to remember my name again, folks. Wally Boag. Because, you'll be reading about me in the newspapers. I smoke in bed. Now, here's a very fancy dog. This is a police dog. You might not recognize him, he's in the CIA. Same dog, went around the corner. I'd like to make more for you, but something happened to my balloons. I had a whole lot—
the Muppets enter the stage wearing balloons
Waldorf There, can you tell anything about me from this?
Statler Yeah. You've got a round shape and you're full of hot air.

Backstage

Kermit Oh, great act, Wally. I loved that last balloon.
Wally Oh, really? I thought I blew it! Hi, Miss Piggy.
Piggy Oh, hello Wallace. Oh, uh, Foo-Foo. Foo-Foo! Come to mommykins, Foo-Foo. Kermie? Kermie? Are you going to give Foo-Foo and me a wonderful introduction?
Kermit Uh. Right.
Foo-Foo Woof!
Piggy Oh, oh, Rowlfie? Rowlfie? Now, do you have your musical cues?
Rowlf Yes. I hate playing dog acts.
Piggy Professional jealousy.

Miss Piggy and Foo-Foo's dog act

Kermit On with the vaudeville show. Here's The Muppet Show’s answer to Lassie. The amazing Foo-Foo and her equally amazing trainer, Miss Piggy!
Piggy Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Ladies and gen— Cool it! Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen, now here she is, Foo-Foo the wonder dog. Yes, yes, thank you, thank you, thank you. Very good, Foo-Foo. Now, for her second trick...
Rowlf Second trick?
Piggy For her second trick.
Foo-Foo scratches her ear
Piggy Very good. Now, for her third trick. Yes. I'm going to ask Foo-Foo to solve a difficult mathematical problem. Foo-Foo? What is two plus two?
Foo-Foo Woof! Woof! Woof!
Piggy One more. She wasn't finished! Three is wrong.
Rowlf Well, I know that. But I figured that was as close as she was going to get. Heh-ha-ha.
Piggy Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ahem. We shall do it again. This time let her finish.
Rowlf Mm.
Piggy Foo-Foo, dear. What is two plus two?
Foo-Foo Woof! Woof-woof! Woof!
Piggy Ah-ha.
Foo-Foo Woof!
Piggy What are you doing?
Rowlf I was waiting for her to finish. Heh-ha-ha.
Piggy Oh, wonderful. Now you've done it. to Foo-Foo You're all upset.
Rowlf Oooh, sorry. Maybe that trick's too hard for her. Have her do something simple. Like, roll over and play dead. Heh-ha-ha.
Piggy Why don't you roll over and drop dead? If I want her to do something simple, I would have had her play the piano and make dumb remarks. Now. Ahem. Would everyone like to see Foo-Foo dance? Hm?
Rowlf It's unanimous!
Piggy Just play the music.
Rowlf Mm.
Piggy Alright, dance Foo-Foo! Dance for mommy! Dance.
Gaffer Meow.
Piggy Why'd you stop playing?
Rowlf I heard that.
Gaffer Meow...
Rowlf Foo-Foo, it's behind you! Ah! Go get it! Sorry, Miss Piggy. Old habits are hard to break. Foo-Foo! Woof-woof!
Statler Have we ever said this show is going to the dogs?
Waldorf About a million times.

UK spot

Kermit Okay, moving right along. Here are three gifted singers who have all kissed the Blarney Stone. Ladies and gentlemen, The Leprechaun Brothers — yaaay!, leprechaun!
"Danny Boy"
Statler Well, there goes another popular expression down the drain.
Waldorf What's that?
Statler The luck of the Irish.

Wally plays the bagpipes

Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen, continuing with our vaudeville show, it's Wally Boag time. And here he is to do the Highland Fling.
Wally Don't fling at e like that! Thank you. Thank you, I deserve it. I- I am Scotch, you know. As a matter of fact, it was my great-grandfather McBoag that gave me these very rare McBag Bird, here. Isn't she pretty? Can't fly, but what a voice. Little history on the bag bird, it was originated in Ireland in the 15th century and the Irish gave them to the Scots. And the Scots haven't caught on to the joke yet. Yeah. For my first number, I play by ear. I play, heh. Well, my first number. Come on, baby. Green olives, again. It's lonesome for its mommy. Yeah. Just relax. Oh, one more time. One more time. Oh, well. I'll give it a vitamin pill. Actually, I would like to play. I would like to play. I've got to. A little song entitled, uh, "The Girl Next Door Live the Life of a Dog So I Called Her Over". I called... Shouldn't have, should I? Here we go. Of course, a lot of people— a lot... A lot of people. A lot. I'm talking, do you mind? Thank you. A lot of people. Down girl. A lot of people. I'll be right with you. A lot of people — I hear you — have said, "Wally," — that's my maiden name — "Is it possible to play a melody on the bagpipes?" Is it possible to play a melody? No. But I'd like to endeavor to play "Suwannee River". And I wondered if the band — band! — would join me because, uh, I'm really coming apart. You ready? "Suwannee River". Beat it in rock time. No hands.
Muppet Bagpipe Wow, so beautiful. Girl, woo-woo-woo-woo. How about we get together?
Wally Stop that!

"The Ying Tong Song"

Kermit Okay, great act, Wally. Okay, uh, and now ladies and gentlemen, a very special lullaby in gibberish.
"The Ying Tong Song"

Backstage

Wally Hey, say anybody wants me, Pops, I'm getting some fresh air.
Pops Oh, great. You can watch the stage door while I'm away.
Wally Hey, where you going, Pops?
Pops I'm going to watch the show.
Wally Let me know how I was.

Dr. Salamander

Kermit Introducing the astounding illusionist, Dr. Salamander, hypnotist and newt. Yaaay!
Dr. Salamander Aloha! Ciao! Hey! Salam! First, I need a volunteer from the audience. Uh, sir, you with the mustache. Yes, in the front row. Somebody help him up.
Pops Huh? Hey! Get your dirty hands off my filthy arm!
Dr. Salamander Ah, that's good sir. Just step right over here. Wait a minute, Pops. What are you doing in the audience?
Pops I come here to try to get some sleep.
Dr. Salamander Well, this is no time for that. Because I am going to... Hey, wake up!
Pops Wha?
Dr. Salamander I'm going to hypnotize you and then I will command you to float up into the air levitating against all laws of gravity. Wake up!
Pops Oh, what is it now?
Dr. Salamander Now, I'm going to put you to sleep.
Pops You woke me up to tell me that?
Dr. Salamander Alright. Look it. Just lie down here.
Pops That's the first sensible thing you've said all evening.
Dr. Salamander Alright, look into my eyes and by the time I count to ten, you will be totally under my power. One.
Pops snoring
Dr. Salamander Good enough. Alright. And now, up you go. Levitate. Rise. Rise, up you go. Rise. Up. Up, you go. Yes. Thank you, thank you. Alright, wake up. You can come down now. No, watch out! Look out for the lights!
Kermit Uh, this is terrible! Uh, wake up... Uh, Salamander, uh, what do we do now?
Dr. Salamander Never levitate the hard of hearing.

Backstage

Kermit He's headed toward the backstage. Scooter! Do something!
Scooter I'll slam the stage door, boss! It's the one thing that always wakes Pops up. Oh, hi Wally.
Wally Oh, hi Scooter. Am I on yet?
Scooter No, we're just waiting for this act to end.
Wally Good. Now, that looks like the end of an act.

"Pecos Bill"

Kermit Once again, ladies and gentlemen, Wally Boag and his world famous western sketch. Yaay!
Annie Sue I want you to meet the roughest, toughest, rootin'-tootin'est cowboy in the whole wild west. Pecos Bill.
"Pecos Bill"

Goodnights

Kermit Okay, well, it looks like it's about time to head back to the old corral here on The Muppet Show. But, before we go, let us bring back our terrific guest. Ladies and gentlemen, Wally Boag, yaaay! Oh, that was wonderful, Wally. But, uh, I'm sorry about your teeth. Just send us your dentist bill.
Wally No problem at all. They grow back real fast.
Kermit Uh, Wally, how do you do that?
Wally Oh, watch this.
Kermit We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Statler You know that Wally Boag is a multi-millionaire.
Waldorf Oh? Where'd he get his money?
Statler The Tooth Fairy!