Pops: Heh, heh, heh. *spits out coffee* Rubbish! Hey, hold on. Who are you?
Wally: Oh, I'm Wally Boag. I'm the guest on tonight's Muppet Show.
Pops: Wally Boag! Balloon animals! Why, I haven't seen you in a long time, old buddy. Remember me? Pops.
Wally: Sorry, afraid I don't.
Pops: Sure you do. You always called me Pops while I was the doorman at the old Bijou in Pittsburgh.
Wally: Must have been someone else. I've never been to Pittsburgh.
Pops: Oh, it must have been someone else. Well, sorry. I wanted to give the guy back the ten dollars he loaned me.
Wally: Oh, that Pops! Good to see you again, Pops.
Kermit: It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Wally Boag — yaaay!
Kermit: Thank you, thank you. Hi-ho, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. As you know, every week we try to do a real old-fashioned vaudeville show. Well, this week, we're going to succeed. That's because in the wings is that master vaudevillian and king of comedy, Mr. Wally Boag. Yes! So, here for openers, are The Flying Zucchini Brothers and their human cannonball act. Yaaay!
1st Zucchini Brother: Yeah, boom-ah boom-ah! Boom-ah boom-ah! Ladies and gentlemen, now for the Zucchini Brother's famous cannonball act. Brothers, squish down into your cannons, and point them to the heavens. Ah-squishy squishy. And now, ladies and gentlemen, get ready for the big boom-ah boom-ah. Brothers, signal when ready. Luigi.
Luigi: Luigi, ready.
Marco: Marco, ready.
Lorenzo: Lorenzo, ready.
Giuseppe: Giuseppe, ready.
Heathcliff: Heathcliff, I'm ready mama.
1st Zucchini Brother: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Zucchini Brother's five man cannonball boom-ah boom-ah.
Kermit: Is that it? Is the act over? Hey, it's a little short, fellas. Uh, close the curtain. Quick, change the scenery. Uh, moving right along, ladies and gentlemen, Lottie Lemon and her Singing Wig.
Statler: Poor Lottie Lemon. I hope someone knows first aid.
Waldorf: Forget first aid, Lottie needs lemonade.
Kermit: Uh, according to the Guinness Book of Records, on July 17, 1955, Wally Boag opened the Golden Horseshoe Revue in Disneyland. He's been doing five shows a day there, ever since. A total of over thirty-two thousand performances. Yes! So, having achieved this feat, he's decided to tempt fate and try to make it through one performance on The Muppet Show. So here he is, ladies and gentlemen, the amazing Wally Boag — yaaay!
Wally: Here I am, your traveling salesman. Hi, Hermit.
Wally: Ha-ha-ha. Great. What have I got for sale? Let me take a look in my purse. I've got balloons. I had balloons. Oh, well. Is there a psychiatrist in the house? Nothing personal, it's just that I have a new theory in psychiatry. I can tell people's troubles and their character by the way they blow up a toy balloon. And it's much cheaper than a couch. Let me show you how it works. For instance, the average and normal person would blow a balloon something like that. That's the average type. And then we have a straight, forward person. Straightforward type. Some people are a little backwards. Backwards, yes. The backward type, did you see that? Oh, I've got talent. Here's a, um, scatterbrain. Their mind jumps around a bit. The balloon will do they same thing. And, we'll get rid of that. Now, the message, you have a person wrap up all of these thoughts. Put them all together and you find out something more about them. I've made quite a name for myself doing this. And I don't like it. You've heard pink elephants. Here's someone who sees pink elephants. Looking a little like that. A little pink elephant, right there. Oh, you're so right. Let's take his, uh, trunk here now and make a little suitcase out of it. I have an uncle used to yell at us when he was inebriated — drunk — he was a character. He was a kleptomaniac. Kleptomaniac, that's a person who finds things before lose them. But, uh, he's reformed. He only steals things now that begin with A. A watch. A car. A purse. A wallet. A rabbit. Here's a little rabbit thing up there now. Hey, did you hear about the rabbit, washed his hare and couldn't do a thing with her. Perhaps you're right. This is just a normal husband leading the life of a dog. But he's a gay debonnaire French poodle type dog. And there's a little problem there. I have a French poodle. I had to sell my dog. He ran in front of the lawnmower to cut off his tail. I sold him whole sale. I couldn't re-tale him. Here's a, uh, nearsighted person. We'll just wrap these up now and see what we have. I want you to remember my name again, folks. Wally Boag. Because, you'll be reading about me in the newspapers. I smoke in bed. Now, here's a very fancy dog. This is a police dog. You might not recognize him, he's in the CIA. Same dog, went around the corner. I'd like to make more for you, but something happened to my balloons. I had a whole lot—
- the Muppets enter the stage wearing balloons*
Waldorf: There, can you tell anything about me from this?
Statler: Yeah. You've got a round shape and you're full of hot air.
Kermit: Oh, great act, Wally. I loved that last balloon.
Wally: Oh, really? I thought I blew it! Hi, Miss Piggy.
Piggy: Oh, hello Wallace. Oh, uh, Foo-Foo. Foo-Foo! Come to mommykins, Foo-Foo. Kermie? Kermie? Are you going to give Foo-Foo and me a wonderful introduction?
Kermit: Uh. Right.
Piggy: Oh, oh, Rowlfie? Rowlfie? Now, do you have your musical cues?
Rowlf: Yes. I hate playing dog acts.
Piggy: Professional jealousy.
Miss Piggy and Foo-Foo's dog act
Kermit: On with the vaudeville show. Here's The Muppet Show’s answer to Lassie. The amazing Foo-Foo and her equally amazing trainer, Miss Piggy!
Piggy: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Ladies and gen— Cool it! Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen, now here she is, Foo-Foo the wonder dog. Yes, yes, thank you, thank you, thank you. Very good, Foo-Foo. Now, for her second trick...
Rowlf: Second trick?
Piggy: For her second trick.
- Foo-Foo scratches her ear*
Piggy: Very good. Now, for her third trick. Yes. I'm going to ask Foo-Foo to solve a difficult mathematical problem. Foo-Foo? What is two plus two?
Foo-Foo: Woof! Woof! Woof!
Piggy: One more. She wasn't finished! Three is wrong.
Rowlf: Well, I know that. But I figured that was as close as she was going to get. Heh-ha-ha.
Piggy: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ahem. We shall do it again. This time let her finish.
Piggy: Foo-Foo, dear. What is two plus two?
Foo-Foo: Woof! Woof-woof! Woof!
Piggy: What are you doing?
Rowlf: I was waiting for her to finish. Heh-ha-ha.
Piggy: Oh, wonderful. Now you've done it. *to Foo-Foo* You're all upset.
Rowlf: Oooh, sorry. Maybe that trick's too hard for her. Have her do something simple. Like, roll over and play dead. Heh-ha-ha.
Piggy: Why don't you roll over and drop dead? If I want her to do something simple, I would have had her play the piano and make dumb remarks. Now. Ahem. Would everyone like to see Foo-Foo dance? Hm?
Rowlf: It's unanimous!
Piggy: Just play the music.
Piggy: Alright, dance Foo-Foo! Dance for mommy! Dance.
Piggy: Why'd you stop playing?
Rowlf: I heard that.
Rowlf: Foo-Foo, it's behind you! Ah! Go get it! Sorry, Miss Piggy. Old habits are hard to break. Foo-Foo! Woof-woof!
Statler: Have we ever said this show is going to the dogs?
Waldorf: About a million times.
Kermit: Okay, moving right along. Here are three gifted singers who have all kissed the Blarney Stone. Ladies and gentlemen, The Leprechaun Brothers — yaaay!, leprechaun!
Statler: Well, there goes another popular expression down the drain.
Waldorf: What's that?
Statler: The luck of the Irish.
Wally plays the bagpipes
Kermit: And now, ladies and gentlemen, continuing with our vaudeville show, it's Wally Boag time. And here he is to do the Highland Fling.
Wally: Don't fling at e like that! Thank you. Thank you, I deserve it. I- I am Scotch, you know. As a matter of fact, it was my great-grandfather McBoag that gave me these very rare McBag Bird, here. Isn't she pretty? Can't fly, but what a voice. Little history on the bag bird, it was originated in Ireland in the 15th century and the Irish gave them to the Scots. And the Scots haven't caught on to the joke yet. Yeah. For my first number, I play by ear. I play, heh. Well, my first number. Come on, baby. Green olives, again. It's lonesome for its mommy. Yeah. Just relax. Oh, one more time. One more time. Oh, well. I'll give it a vitamin pill. Actually, I would like to play. I would like to play. I've got to. A little song entitled, uh, "The Girl Next Door Live the Life of a Dog So I Called Her Over". I called... Shouldn't have, should I? Here we go. Of course, a lot of people— a lot... A lot of people. A lot. I'm talking, do you mind? Thank you. A lot of people. Down girl. A lot of people. I'll be right with you. A lot of people — I hear you — have said, "Wally," — that's my maiden name — "Is it possible to play a melody on the bagpipes?" Is it possible to play a melody? No. But I'd like to endeavor to play "Suwannee River". And I wondered if the band — band! — would join me because, uh, I'm really coming apart. You ready? "Suwannee River". Beat it in rock time. No hands.
Muppet Bagpipe: Wow, so beautiful. Girl, woo-woo-woo-woo. How about we get together?
Wally: Stop that!
"The Ying Tong Song"
Kermit: Okay, great act, Wally. Okay, uh, and now ladies and gentlemen, a very special lullaby in gibberish.
Wally: Hey, say anybody wants me, Pops, I'm getting some fresh air.
Pops: Oh, great. You can watch the stage door while I'm away.
Wally: Hey, where you going, Pops?
Pops: I'm going to watch the show.
Wally: Let me know how I was.
Kermit: Introducing the astounding illusionist, Dr. Salamander, hypnotist and newt. Yaaay!
Dr. Salamander: Aloha! Ciao! Hey! Salam! First, I need a volunteer from the audience. Uh, sir, you with the mustache. Yes, in the front row. Somebody help him up.
Pops: Huh? Hey! Get your dirty hands off my filthy arm!
Dr. Salamander: Ah, that's good sir. Just step right over here. Wait a minute, Pops. What are you doing in the audience?
Pops: I come here to try to get some sleep.
Dr. Salamander: Well, this is no time for that. Because I am going to... Hey, wake up!
Dr. Salamander: I'm going to hypnotize you and then I will command you to float up into the air levitating against all laws of gravity. Wake up!
Pops: Oh, what is it now?
Dr. Salamander: Now, I'm going to put you to sleep.
Pops: You woke me up to tell me that?
Dr. Salamander: Alright. Look it. Just lie down here.
Pops: That's the first sensible thing you've said all evening.
Dr. Salamander: Alright, look into my eyes and by the time I count to ten, you will be totally under my power. One.
Dr. Salamander: Good enough. Alright. And now, up you go. Levitate. Rise. Rise, up you go. Rise. Up. Up, you go. Yes. Thank you, thank you. Alright, wake up. You can come down now. No, watch out! Look out for the lights!
Kermit: Uh, this is terrible! Uh, wake up... Uh, Salamander, uh, what do we do now?
Dr. Salamander: Never levitate the hard of hearing.
Scooter: I'll slam the stage door, boss! It's the one thing that always wakes Pops up. Oh, hi Wally.
Wally: Oh, hi Scooter. Am I on yet?
Scooter: No, we're just waiting for this act to end.
Wally: Good. Now, that looks like the end of an act.
Kermit: Once again, ladies and gentlemen, Wally Boag and his world famous western sketch. Yaay!
Annie Sue: I want you to meet the roughest, toughest, rootin'-tootin'est cowboy in the whole wild west. Pecos Bill.
Kermit: Okay, well, it looks like it's about time to head back to the old corral here on The Muppet Show. But, before we go, let us bring back our terrific guest. Ladies and gentlemen, Wally Boag, yaaay! Oh, that was wonderful, Wally. But, uh, I'm sorry about your teeth. Just send us your dentist bill.
Wally: No problem at all. They grow back real fast.
Kermit: Uh, Wally, how do you do that?
Wally: Oh, watch this.
Kermit: We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Statler: You know that Wally Boag is a multi-millionaire.
Waldorf: Oh? Where'd he get his money?
Statler: The Tooth Fairy!