Pops: Heh-heh-heh-heh. Aw, that's not funny. Hey! Who are you?
Kermit: Uh, that's tonight's guest star.
Chris: Uh, it says, uh, "Oh no I'm not and you can't make me."
Kermit: But, this is terrible. What will we do for a guest star?
Pops: No one here but me and this turkey.
Kermit: Uh, listen uh, what's your name?
Chris: Uh, Langham. Chris Langham.
Kermit: Mm-hmm. Uh, you want a job?
Pops: I don't believe it. He's gonna book the turkey.
Chris: I don't know. Will it take very long?
Kermit: Uh, listen. I'll have you out of here in half an hour.
Pops: How about that? A star is hatched.
Kermit: Thank you, thank. Hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Tonight, our special guest star is that brilliant British, uh, just a second. Uh, uh, quick, Chris. What do you do?
Chris: What have you got?
Kermit: Uh, well, uh, how about being a comedian? Being funny, telling jokes?
Chris: I know one. I know one.
Kermit: Oh good! ...Our guest star is that brilliant British comedian, Mr. Chris Langham.
Chris: Where do I start?
Kermit: Well, you can start right here. You can introduce the opening number.
Chris: Oh. Well. Here it is. The opening number. This is really easy.
Statler: Do you know how whales cry?
Waldorf: No, how do they cry?
Statler: Blubber, blubber, blubber.
Scooter: Yup. Sure was.
Kermit: How'd that look, Scooter?
Scooter: Oh, terrific Kermit. It was a whale of a number.
Pig: Not for us.
Kermit: Well, okay. What's on now?
Kermit: Magnetic moose, huh? Did you warn the people in the front row about their fillings?
Scooter: Well, yeah.
Kermit: Oh, good. Well, tell Chris Langham he's on next.
Scooter: The messenger?
Kermit: He's not a messenger anymore. He's a guest star. And he's up in his room putting together an act.
Scooter: Oh, right.
Floyd: What's he doing, trying on lamp shades?
Kermit: Uh, listen Floyd. Be nice to Chris. He's very nervous. Show business is a big unknown to him. It's just a freak thing he's here, so be kind.
Floyd: Okay, so when do we see this nervous, unknown freak?
Kermit: Hey, how'd it go, Melissa?
Melissa: Oh, you know. Mostly wrist watches and car keys. Well, I'll return them later.
Floyd: Yeah, attracts all metal, huh? Great act.
Moose: Not during hunting season.
Kermit: Uh, uh, ladies and gentlemen, sometimes a performer comes along who needs no introduction. This is not one of those times. I mean, what can I tell ya? This guy's a great guy. He's a hard worker. He's a good messenger. And here he is to do whatever he's going to do. Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Langham, yaay!
Chris: And now the moment you've all been waiting for... and there it goes. Now, um, you've come about the, um... about the show. That's right, you've come to see the show. Well, uh, this is the show. Here, you see? And, oh, and there as well. I'm sorry, I'll get out of your way. It is good, isn't it? Watching the show. And while you watch the show, I've got a little Scottish item that I'm going to do. So, I'll get straight on with... please. And with the help of these, uh, elastic, uh, knee trembling devices here... Oh, actually, I shouldn't just throw them down on the floor. I ought to use a little respect because they were given to me by my father just after he had his legs taken in. And now, sensation seekers, my impression of autumn in Scotland. Thank you. What's this? Peanuts. How kind of them to pay me in advance. Now, I must ask for complete silence during the next section, as it could be extremely dangerous. Look, I'm only prepared to take this seriously if you are. The sooner we get this over with, the sooner we can all go home, alright?
Waldorf: Did you know that the peanut is one of the world's richest sources of protein?
Statler: Oh, well Chris Langham will be glad. At least he'll die healthy.
Kermit: Chris, are you okay?
Floyd: Hey, don't worry about it, kid. That's a tough audience out there.
Chris: Hey, listen. I had that audience right there.
Scooter: Hey, hey, Kermit?
Scooter: This guy wants to talk to you about the magnetic moose.
Whatnot: Yeah, I want my watch back.
Kermit: Well, Scooter, where is the magnetic moose?
Scooter: In the canteen.
Kermit: You let the magnetic moose in the canteen?
Swedish Chef: *mock Swedish*
Sam the Eagle: Mr. Langham. I would like to suggest a more cultural approach to your act. What are you doing?
Chris: I'm zen skiing.
Sam: Zen skiing.
Chris: I could have broken my leg.
Sam: Oh, uh, forgive me, I've always had the greatest respect for other people's crackpot beliefs.
Chris: Crackpot beliefs? We believe in fondue.
Chris: Do you believe in fondue, too?
Sam: Well, uh. I know it exists.
Chris: Of course you do. When you look deep within your heart, you know that you'll find melted cheese.
Sam: I hope you're not going to do this sort of thing in your act.
Chris: I have here in my hand this uncut pack of sausages. I shall now cut the pack once. And, shuffle the sausages. There they are, as you can now see, thoroughly shuffled. You all see them? Now, please sir, pick one sausage, any sausage, from this pack of shuffled sausages in my hand. Scrutinize it with an intense scrute and then please memorize that sausage if you would. Have you committed that sausage to memory? Then pop it back into my hand along with the rest of the pack and I will once again shuffle these sausages in a completely random, arbitrary order and -- hey, presto -- and, low and behold, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, and this is your sausage, is it not? I thank you.
Kermit: Okay, and now ladies and gentlemen, here is that fabulous, young ex-messenger Chris Langham explaining his new invention, yaay!
Chris: Hello. This is what I'm working on at the moment. It's a time travel apparatus. Excuse me. If all my calculations are correct, all I have to do is pull this little lever here and I go traveling backwards through time. Time through backwards traveling go I and here lever little this pull is do to have I all correct are calculations my all if. Me excuse. Apparatus travel time a it's. Moment the at on working I'm what is this. Hello.
Statler: That's the worst act I've ever seen on this show.
Waldorf: Yeah, and we just saw it twice.
Chris: Kermit? Can I do my impression of an owl for you?
Kermit: Uh, well sure Chris, go ahead.
Chris: I think you're going to enjoy this, it's uh, it is good. Just takes just a second to get into it, and then uh... It's all just the sort of stuff you can do at home, you know? "Hoo".
Kermit: Uh, it's nice Chris, but uh, you know, we have had lots of people do bird impressions.
Gonzo: Dead owl! Nobody's done that before! It's a triumph!
Waldorf: You know, if you ever think about it, there are these strange pauses in this show when nothing happens on stage.
Statler: Let's not think about it.
Gonzo: Mr. Langham!
Chris: Won't you come in?
Gonzo: Mr. Langham, let me worship at your feet.
Gonzo: Oh, Mr. Langham, the dead owl sketch was the Sistine Chapel of vaudeville acts.
Chris: Well, I got the idea from an uncle of mine. He was in show business, actually. He had a fantastic escape artist trick.
Gonzo: What did he do? What did he do?
Chris: Well, his assistant would chain him up, you know? In a box...
Gonzo: Yeah, yeah.
Chris: ...with huge padlocks and then, from inside he'd shout, uh, "hoopla" and he'd just be sort of standing in front of you.
Gonzo: How did he do it?
Chris: Well, it was so easy, it was ridiculous. I can show you. Of course, I don't have the chains and padlocks here so it's gonna look even easier than it really is. But, you will get the general idea, alright?
Gonzo: Don't worry, I'm a professional.
Chris: Are you ready?
Gonzo: Yes, go for it! "Hoopla!"
Chris: Okay. "Hoopla!" Hey! No? Okay, uh, hang on. Heyyy-huh! No? Not to worry, not to worry. Um. Hey, abra-cadabrah. No? Nevermind, nevermind.
Kermit: Uh. Uh, Chris?
Kermit: Chris, where are you?
Chris: Oh. Um, I'm in the wardrobe, Kermit. Uh, I can't get out.
Gonzo: Kermit, how did you book this turkey?
Kermit: Listen, I'll tell you later. Uh, Chris? Uh, don't worry, we'll just cancel the final number.
Chris: But why?
Kermit: Well, how can you perform in that wardrobe?
Chris: No trouble. The show must go on.
Scooter: Uh, well uh, Kermit isn't here right now, so I guess I get to do the introduction. Here once again our British guest star as an Hawaiian cowboy -- don't look at me, I didn't book him -- ladies and gentlemen, Chris Langham!
Kermit: Okay, well, we've had a terrific evening here on The Muppet Show and it's all thanks to our very special, surprise guest, that messenger turned superstar, Mr. Chris Langham, yaay!
Chris: You know, there's one thing that you didn't ask me, whether or not I have an electronic larynx.
Kermit: Uh, no I didn't.
Chris: Alright, yes I have. It's a masterpiece of modern micro electronics. A little amplification unit in here with a radio microphone. All tucked, I don't know, you see the scar?
Kermit: Um, uh, yeah?
Chris: Blast, he told me you wouldn't be able to see the scar.
Kermit: Uh, relax Chris.
Chris: Sorry. No, I've had a great time. I'm sorry, I've enjoyed from the first moment *broken dialogue* head... until the last... -ian Cowboy .. had -onderful time.
Kermit: Are you okay?
Chris: Oh, *eeling *absolutely *ine, yes. You? Oh, sorry. *adio *icrophone... *oblems with the...
Kermit: We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Waldorf: It's a classic showbusiness story. Chris Langham walked into this theatre a nobody.
Statler: And he's walking out a has been.