Pops: Bill? Bill who? Bill Collector? Never heard of him!
Hal: Hi, good evening.
Pops: Hey, who are you?
Hal: I'm Hal Linden. I'm tonight's guest.
Pops: Hal Linden. Hey, aren't you a cop?
Hal: No, no. I, well I play a cop on TV. Barney Miller.
Pops: Soon as you said the name, hit me like a ton of bricks.
Hal: What name?
Pops: Barney Miller!
bricks fall on Pops' head
Hal: Nice bit of visual comedy you've got there. Don't let it go to your head, huh?
Kermit: It's The Muppet Show! With our very special guest star, Hal Linden! Yaay!
Kermit: Hi there, and welcome to The Muppet Show!
Fozzie: So, this is what it's like up here, huh? Boy. Hi!
Kermit: Um, uh, ladies and gentlemen, Statler and Waldorf, the two old gentlemen who usually sit up here have—
Kermit: Fozzie, they have not.
Fozzie: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Kermit: Uh, no, no, no. Statler and Waldorf have been telling me for years that they could put on a better show than I could.
Kermit: So, tonight they're getting their chance.
Fozzie: That's right. They are gonna be down there hosting the show and we are gonna be up here watching them.
Fozzie: Ha, ha!
Kermit: But! But before I turn the show over to 'em, I'd just like to say that our special guest tonight is that very talented star of Broadway and TV's Barney Miller, Mr. Hal Linden!
Fozzie: He's very good! Yeah!
Kermit: Right. So, without further ado, here they are, your hosts for tonight, Statler and Waldorf! Yaay!
Fozzie: Boo! Boo!
Waldorf: Thank you for that introduction. It was very—
Waldorf: Yes, and that's the trouble with this show. Everything moves too slow.
Hal: Uh, excuse me, uh...
Statler: Hey, it's our guest star Hal Linden!
Statler and Waldorf: Yaay!
Hal: ...to bother you, I'm looking for, uh, Kermit?
Waldorf: Yes, well you see, we're hosting the show tonight. He's up there.
Hal: Oh. Hi, Kermit!
Kermit: Hi, Hal. You're in good hands down there. I'm just gonna sit up here and watch.
Fozzie: Hey Kermit, how come he didn't say hello to me? Hey Hal, hi, it's me!
Hal: Oh, hi Rowlf!
Fozzie: Rowlf? I'm not Rowlf!
Hal: Oh. Isn't that the dog that plays piano?
Statler: No, no. That's the bear that tells bad jokes and dies on stage.
Hal: Hi, Fozzie.
Fozzie: Uh... Rowlf. Ha. Name's Rowlf. Start piano lessons tomorrow.
Statler: Trust us Hal. This show will be good for your career. Yeah, you'll be mixing with some fresh, new, classy acts.
Hal: Such as?
Waldorf: Well, such as our opening number. Here, read this.
Hal: Geri and the Atrics?
Statler and Waldorf: Yaaay!
Kermit: Wow, great! Wonderful! That was a terrific act.
Fozzie: Yeah, I know. In fact, it was just the kind of act you would have booked.
Kermit: Maybe they made a mistake.
Waldorf: We made a terrible mistake!
Statler: Ugh. That act was so bad, the frog could have booked it.
Waldorf: I thought you girls sang Sigmund Romberg tunes.
Tambourine Player: Aw, get with it, you turkey! We're what's happening.
Guitar Player: Next week we're appearing in the Boom Boom Room.
Tambourine Player: Yeah, and you guys look like you hang out at the Wheeze Wheeze Lounge.
Gonzo: I'm ready for my Mozart number.
Waldorf: What, a pineapple in a Mozart number?
Gonzo: Yeah, my watermellon's at the cleaners.
Waldorf: Gonzo, your act has been cancelled.
Gonzo: gasp, what?
Statler: Yeah, but don't take it too badly. Everybody's act has been cancelled.
Waldorf: Yes, tonight there'll be nothing but bright, new faces!
Statler: Nothing but class and culture.
Gonzo: Like what?
Statler: Like the Berlin National Opera Company.
Gonzo: Oh. I wonder if they'd like to rent my pineapple.
Waldorf: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, here to perform the first act finale from Siegfried is one of the world's great musical companies.
Pig: Excuse me little blue person.
Pig: The Berlin National Opera Company couldn't make it, so they sent us.
Gonzo: Who are you?
Pig: We are The Salzburg Sauerkraut Singers.
Statler: So, here they are, the Berlin National Opera Company.
Gonzo: Boy, if they're gonna book quality acts like that, I don't have a chance.
Statler: Oh, no! We've been sabotaged.
Waldorf: Quick, you clean up the sauerkraut and I'll try to find an act to send on stage.
Statler: Right. Beauregard!
Link: Oh, we have been cancelled. Do you realize that we've been cancelled? Oh, no! We have been ca-a-ancel-el-el-ed.
Piggy: Will you try and act like a grown-up? It's only for one show.
Hal: Oh, uh, Link?
Link: Whoah, hi Hal!
Hal: Uh... Listen, uh. I feel a little strange with, uh, Kermit not in charge. Is everything, uh, you know, going all right?
Link: Oh sure, yeah. So, we have been cancelled though.
Link: Yes, we've all been cancelled.
Hal: Everybody cancelled?
Hal: Just like that, cancelled? I'm all set to do a number, you tell me we're cancelled?
Link: Hal! Hal, try to act like a grown-up. After all, it's only for one show.
Waldorf: Oh, Hal! Quick, get on stage!
Hal: On stage? I thought I was cancelled.
Waldorf: Of course not. You're on next!
Hal: Alright, on stage.
Statler: Stay off that stage!
Waldorf: He's gotta go on the stage, the audience is getting restless.
Statler: He can't go on the stage, it's full of sauerkraut.
Waldorf: Can I talk to you a moment in private?
Hal: scoff Guys, just tell me what you want me to do, I'll be glad to do it.
Beauregard: Oh, good. Here, hold this sauerkraut.
Statler: I'm telling ya, he can't go on until the sauerkraut's gone.
Beauregard: Sauerkraut's gone!
Waldorf: Moving right along...
Statler: Uh, we bring you tonight's guest star, the versatile and talented Mr. Hal Linden.
Waldorf: In a musical salute to our favorite holiday, Christmas.
Statler together with Waldorf: The 4th of July.
Statler: No, the 4th of July.
Waldorf: Yes, but I already rented the sleigh.
Statler: Too bad. And, so now, for an old fashioned 4th of July—
Statler: Here he is, Mr. Hal Linden. Yaaay!
Statler: Here's a couple of young guys about to perform one of The Beatles' hit songs. Actually, we had hoped to have The Beatles sing it, but we haven't heard from any them, so...
Waldorf: Wait a second! I just talked to Ringo.
Statler: Oh, great! What did he say?
Statler: So, here are these guys I was telling you about.
Fozzie: Boy, that was very good.
Kermit: Yeah. You know, I don't miss me at all.
Hal: Gee Robin, I'm sorry about your number being cancelled. But, uh, look at it this way. You could be lucky. Well, they didn't cancel my number and look what happened.
Robin: Yeah, but if I were in charge, things would be different.
Hal: Oh yeah, how so?
Robin: Well, first of all I'd pass a law against wide wheeled sports tires.
Hal: Excuse me?
Robin: Well, give narrow little frogs like me a better chance.
Hal: Oh, well that's true.
Robin: Gee, just imagine. What if I did run things?
Robin: Hey, vote for us!
Gonzo: If I ruled the world, clothing would be edible!
"Just an Old Fashioned Girl"
Statler: And now, for a change of pace, we take you to colorful, exciting India.
Waldorf: Yes. And here singing a medley of your favorite Urdu ditties is the Bombay bombshell herself Indira Mahajira.
Statler: Who is that out there? That's not Indira.
Waldorf: I know. She's awful.
Statler: Oh no! It's that pig.
Waldorf: I knew there was something not quite kosher about this.
Kermit: Very nice, Miss Piggy!
Piggy: Thank you, Kermie! blows kiss
Waldorf: Sabotaged again.
Statler: Quick Waldorf, what's on next? Check the clipboard.
Waldorf: Beauregard, why are you standing there?
Beauregard: Because this is the place where I stopped walking.
Statler: Go do something useful.
Waldorf: Let's see, we've got, uh, Icy Gomez the Reykjavik Warbler.
Statler: No, no. He came down with the flu.
Waldorf: Then we've gotta go straight to Hal Linden's Dixieland—
Beauregard: Well, that one works.
Statler: Beau, what are you doing?
Beauregard: Something useful, like you said. I'm checking the backstage trap door releases.
Waldorf: Well, don't!
Statler: Yeah, come on, let's introduce Hal.
Waldorf: Remember Beau, don't test anymore backstage trap door releases.
Beauregard: Okay. I'll test the onstage trap door releases.
"When the Saints Go Marching In"
Statler: Now, we all know Hal Linden is a great comedy actor.
Waldorf: Yes, and we all know that Hal Linden is a terrific musical comedy star.
Hal: Did you also know that Hal Linden is quitting this show and going home?
Statler: What?! But Hal, what about your Dixieland number?
Hal: Well, I'd love to do some Dixieland but, uh, I mean after that first number? Come on, how can you do a patriotic number with sauerkraut and Santa Clauses?
Waldorf: But Hal, we have our Dixieland band all ready to play "When the Saints Go Marching In" with you.
Hal: Well, are you sure nothing's gonna go wrong?
Statler: Hal, you've gotta trust us.
Hal: Alright, introduce me.
Statler: Well uh, ladies and gentlemen, here is Mr. Haaaaal!—
Waldorf: Hal Linden! Whoah!
Statler: Well, it looks like time's running out for us.
Waldorf: Yeah, and for the show, too.
Statler: So, let's bring back our wonderful guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
Hal: Kermit, it's good to see you.
Statler and Waldorf: It sure is.
Statler: Yeah, tonight's been a disaster.
Hal: Has it, really?
Kermit: Gee, I thought it was a terrific show.
Hal: What are you talking about? It was a lot of confusion and chaos, a lot of running around by mindless maniacs.
Fozzie: Yeah, yeah. Just like any good ol' Muppet Show!
Kermit: Hal, you were a big part of it.
Hal: Oh, good. I'm glad I fit right in.
Waldorf: Well, Kermit, the show's all yours. We're going back up to our seats in the box and stay there.
Statler: Mm. We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about the show again.
Kermit: Oh, good! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Statler: You know, I never liked their theme music.
Waldorf: Neither did I.
Kermit: You promised!