Cold open

Pops snoozes. Gladys enters.
Gladys Hi, Pops!
Pops (awakens) Oh, who are you?
Gladys I'm the guest on The Muppet Show this week. I'm Gladys Knight.
Pops Oh, me too. I'm always glad it's night, it's too hot during the day. [laughs] Oh, I hope you didn't mind that.
Gladys It's okay. I allow one per show.
Pops Okay, come on in. But be careful. See, there's a fella up there fixing the roof. (looks up) Hey! Be careful up there, we've got an important guest here!
Worker 1 Who?
Pops She's Gladys Knight.
Worker 1 Yeah, so am I! It means I'm into overtime. [laughs]
She shakes the ladder.
TMS516-01
Worker 1 Hey, I was only funning, lady! (he falls down) Oof!
Gladys (aside) I said just one.

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Gladys Knight! Yaaayyy!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
LipsTrumpet Opening
TMS516-02
Gonzo blows his trumpet triumphantly.
Gonzo I give autographs after the show.


Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, hi-ho, and welcome again to The Muppet Show.
Behind him, a workman handles a rope.
TMS516-02a
Kermit Uh, you may notice some workmen around, and that's because we're having our leaky roof fixed. Uh, but they won't interfere with the show.
The workman is pulled up by the rope.
Kermit Um … anyhow, it's going to be a wonderful show because our guest star is the dynamic Gladys Knight! Yes! But first...
A bucket of nails on a rope falls from the ceiling and hangs beside him.
Kermit Will you get this bucket of nails out of here?? (the bucket is raised) But first, this …
A trio of Whatnot archaeologists enter an Egyptian tomb singing "Night and Day". Inside, they are greeted by three sarcophagi, who join them in song. The caskets open to reveal three mummies, one of whom is Gonzo wrapped in bandages, and whisper some of the tune, inhaling incense.
Archaeologist Look at them. I think they're glad to see us.
Sarcophagus When you've been stood up for 4000 years, you're glad to see anybody.
TMS516-03
The nine of them join to finish the song together.
Statler Well, those mummies didn't exactly bring the house down.
Some rubble falls near them.
Waldorf No, the roofers are handling that.
They chuckle.

Backstage

Worker 2 Uh, are you the frog?
Kermit Uh, of course I'm the frog. Uh, what's that piece of wood?
Worker 2 Oh, well it's not just any old piece of wood. This is the piece of wood that holds up the roof. It's rotten.
Kermit Uh, wait a second. If that's the piece that holds up the roof, what's holding up the roof?
Worker 2 My foreman.
TMS516-04
Kermit He's holding the roof up?
Worker 2 Yes. Or, rather, no.
He falls from the roof. Some rubble comes down with him.
Kermit Uh, listen, guys. I've got to go introduce Gladys Knight. Uh, can you get this fixed?
Worker 3 Not me, there's something about heights I don't like.
Kermit Uh, what's that?
Worker 3 Falling from them. (coughs)
Kermit rushes on-stage.

"Friendship Train"

Kermit Okay, well folks, it's time now to meet our very special guest. So, here she is putting the show on the right track and choo-choo'ing into your station, let's say "all aboard" as we stop, look, and listen to Miss Gladys Knight, yaaay!
TMS516-05
Gladys sings "Friendship Train" on a carboard cutout of a train with three Whatnot engineers, Fozzie, Slim Wilson, some pigs, penguins, The Swedish Chef, a cow, a raccoon, Gonzo and some other Whatnots.
Waldorf Great number. I love trains.
Statler Yeah, but planes are safer.
Waldorf They are?
Statler Sure. I only rode on a train once and it had an accident.
Waldorf What happened?
Statler A plane fell on it.
They chuckle.

Backstage

Gladys and the other Muppets pass by Kermit.
Kermit Okay, guys. Great number, Gladys.
Gladys Hey, thanks Kermit. Hey, you know what? I just love those Mup-Pips.
Fozzie A-ha, "Mup-Pips"! Ha ha ha.
Gladys Hey, Fozzie.
Fozzie Huh?
Gladys Where'd you learn to drive a train like that?
Fozzie Oh, oh, I studied. I had train training. A-ha-ha-ha!
Gladys rolls her eyes and goes to her dressing room. Another worker approaches Kermit.
Worker 4 Listen, mac, uh, we've got to talk. You are the frog, right?
Kermit Uh, uh, uh, of course I'm the frog. Who could I be, the Prince of Wales?
Worker 4 Listen, Prince. You've got big problems with this roof of yours.
Kermit Oh, boy. Can't you fix it?
Worker 4 Hey, I can fix it. But not here.
Kermit Well, what's that supposed to mean?
Worker 4 Well, we're going to have to take it in to the shop.
Kermit What?!
Worker 4 Okay, guys. Signal the crane now, lift her up!
Rubble falls as some loud rumbling is heard.
Worker 4 Okay, load her on the truck.
Fozzie, Rizzo and Scooter look up with bewilderment.
TMS516-06
Worker 4 See you when your roof's finished.
Kermit Well, when will that be?
Worker 4 Hey, I don't know. These things can take months, you know. (exits)
Gladys emerges from the dressing room.
Gladys Excuse me, Kermit?
Kermit Huh?
Gladys Um, have you noticed that the roof is missing?
Kermit (stammering) Yeah, I noticed that Gladys. But, uh, you must admit that it's a beautiful sunset.
Gladys Yeah, but I just heard the weather forecast.
Kermit Rain?
Gladys No. Snow.
Kermit whimpers.

Veterinarian's Hospital

Open on Piggy playing with a medical instrument, then rushing to the operating table.
Announcer And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Miss Piggy Ahem! Dr. Bob, how can you operate without a roof?
Rowlf It's better without a roof. Cuts down on the overhead. (laughs) That's doctor talk. (laughs)
Miss Piggy But, suppose it rains.
Rowlf We'll head for the nearest tax shelter. (laughs) That's more doctor talk. (laughs) Oh, Nurse Janice!
Janice Yes, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf Where have you been?
Janice Taking angry calls from the medical association.
Rowlf Oooh.
Miss Piggy (looks up) Dr. Bob, the sky is threatening.
Rowlf Yeah, so is the audience. But that's never stopped us. (laughs)
Piggy & Janice (groan)
Miss Piggy I don't know whether you should operate.
Janice Well, let's ask the patient. He can tell us. He's a weather man.
Rowlf You mean he knows whether or not I should operate?
They all laugh. A bolt of lightning almost strikes him.
Rowlf (looks up) I didn't think it was that bad.
Patient [singing] Don't know why there's no sun up in the sky
Rowlf I do. Because it's night time. (aside) Pretty dumb weather man. (laughs)
Janice Oh, no he's not. He's a singing weather man. He's just telling you it's stormy weather.
Rowlf I don't believe this.
Miss Piggy But, he's right. It is stormy weather. I just felt some raindrops.
Patient [singing] ...keep falling on my head, they keep falling
Rowlf There's gonna be more than that falling on your head. Where's that barometer?
They all look up as the announcer speaks.
Announcer And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
Rowlf He must be on a cloud.
Announcer Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say...
Hail falls from the sky.
Miss Piggy Dr. Bob, it's getting worse. It's beginning to hail.
Rowlf Hail?
TMS516-07
Patient [singing] ...the gang's all here. What the heck do we…
Piggy/Rowlf/Janice Oh, shut up!

UK spot

TMS516-08
A caveman, backed up by prehistoric pigs, sings "Alley Oop". Animal chases around a bear and Butch with a club, but at the end, he's pulled off stage by a brontosaurus.
Waldorf Oh, that number goes back a long ways.
Statler Well, it didn't go back far enough. I could still see it.

"God Bless the Child"

Gladys stands by the piano as Rowlf plays.
Gladys Oh, that's a nice blues, Rowlf.
Rowlf Mmm. It's easy to have the blues when you don't have a roof over your head. (looks up)
Gladys True enough.
Rowlf Actually, this is a little number by my favorite blues singer, Fat Mama Jefferson.
Gladys Fat Mama Jefferson … uh, I don't remember her. Was she a black woman?
Rowlf No.
Gladys A white woman?
Rowlf Actually, she was spotted.
Gladys I beg — Come on, wait a minute. Don't tell me she was a dog.
Rowlf (nods) Boy, could she sing the blues. (Gladys laughs) She was a basset hound.
Gladys Okay, I remember her now. Didn't she write that classic, "I Won't Hang My Head In Shame 'Cause I Step On My Ears When I Do"?
Rowlf That's Fat Mama, all right. But that doesn't sound like your kind of song.
Gladys Well, not exactly. I lean more toward uh, Ma Rainey, Dinah Washington … Billie Holiday.
Rowlf Hey … Billie Holiday. (starts playing) Boy, she sang some great songs.
Gladys Oh, I like that.
Rowlf Remember this one?
Gladys I remember it, all right.
TMS516-10
She sings "God Bless the Child", and is joined on stage by Fozzie, Scooter, Pops, Lew Zealand, Annie Sue, Beauregard and Janice.

Backstage

Kermit notices a cloud of fog rolling in.
TMS516-11
Kermit Oh no, fog. That's the last straw. Hey, hey, Scooter? Would you take over for me for a minute? Uh, I've got to go see if I can do something about that roof.
Scooter Okay, chief. (through the intercom) Signor Baffi on next!
Fozzie Oh, boy. Look at this. Oh, Scooter, Scooter. Do you think there's room for my monologue in the show?
Scooter Oh, afraid not, Foz. Uh, but you can be in the next number. Yeah, Signor Baffi's assistant didn't show up.
Fozzie Oh, terrific. You won't be sorry. What do I do?
Scooter Well, uh, can you go out and stand on stage and smile?
Fozzie Can I! Can a fly bird? … Can a bird fly. Trust me. (heads on-stage)
Scooter Oh uh, Signor Baffi?
Signor Baffi Uh, what?
Scooter Uh, you're on as soon as I introduce you. Say uh, this fog isn't going to interfere with your knife throwing, is it?
Signor Baffi Oh, no. I'm'a aim'a by the sound anyway. You just tell the target to keep'a yelling.
Scooter Yeah.
Signor Baffi This'a the stage?
Scooter Uh, no no. This way, Signor Baffi.
Signor Baffi Oh, oh. Thank you.

Signor Baffi / Backstage

Scooter And now, the act you've all been waiting for: the one and only Signor Baffi and his flashing knives of death!
The curtain opens to a foggy stage. Baffi and Fozzie walk around aimlessly as lively circus music plays.
Signor Baffi Oh, where's'a my target?
Scooter Hey, Fozzie. Are you there?
Signor Baffi Oh, what?
Fozzie Yes sir!
Signor Baffi What?
He throws some knives in Fozzie's direction, just missing him.
Fozzie Wha-huh-huh! There's- there's somebody throwing knives at me!
Statler Bravo!
Signor Baffi Hey, where are you?
His next knife lands in the balcony, inches away from Statler and Waldorf. They duck.
Waldorf (whispers) Quiet! (Statler nods)
Kermit Scooter, you have to be crazy to send a knife thrower out in a fog like this.
WHAP! Another knife lands inches from Kermit's head.
Fozzie Kermit, help!
Kermit Fozzie, don't yell!
WHAP! Another knife lands inches from Kermit's head.
Kermit Beauregard, close the curtain!
Beauregard What did you say, Kermit?
WHAP! Another knife lands on the rope holding the curtain, bringing it down.
Beauregard Hey!
Backstage, the fog is so thick you could cut it with one of Baffi's knives.
Scooter Oh, good news, chief.
Kermit Yeah?
Scooter I think I feel a breeze coming up.
Kermit Oh, we could use some good news around here.
Fozzie Kermit, help! Help, hide me. There's this madman throwing knives at me.
Kermit Uh, uh, well don't worry, Fozzie. It's all over now.
Fozzie Oh, no. Here he comes! (dashes off)
TMS516-12
Signor Baffi Hey, where's'a that'a bear? He's'a make'a swell target.
Fozzie No, I don't.
Signor Baffi What?
He throws another knife. WHAP! It hits the staircase. Fozzie runs away screaming. Just then, the wind starts blowing all the papers away, as well as the fog.
Kermit Oh, boy. There goes the running order. Now, how do I know which act is next?
Scooter When in doubt, go with a star.
Kermit Uh, you're right. Uh, go tell Gladys she's on next, okay?
They both go their separate ways. Baffi is blown away by the wind.

"I Heard It Through the Grapevine"

Kermit Uh, uh, uh, well ladies and gentlemen, I think the wind is about to die down here. Um, here she is with one of her greatest hits, a lady who can sing up a storm and may have to sing in one, Miss Gladys Knight, yaay!
TMS516-13
For the closing number, Gladys sings "I Heard It Through the Grapevine" with some backup grape singers, and Zoot on sax. By the end of the number, it's snowing so profusely, that a snow bank builds up on stage around Gladys as she's singing.

Goodnights

Kermit Uh, well, it looks like everything's come down except the curtain. But before we go, let us bring back our wonderful guest star. Ladies and gentlemen, Gladys Knight, yaaay!
Gladys re-emerges, dressed in a mink coat.
Gladys Thanks Kermit, it's been an evening I'll never forget.
Kermit Oh, well, that's too bad. I was hoping you would. Uh, listen, I'm sorry about this roof business.
Gladys Oh, that's okay. I'm dressed for it. But what about you? Aren't you cold?
Kermit Uh, no, I'm wearing my thermal collar.
The grapes groan.
Kermit Uh, but they don't look too happy out there in the vineyard.
Gladys Oh, they're just sour grapes.
TMS516-14
Kermit We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The other Muppets gather around as the credits roll. Meanwhile, the snow has reached the balcony. Statler and Waldorf have their winter clothes on.
Waldorf We'll get pneumonia!
Statler Big deal. This show always makes us sick.
They chuckle.
Atv zoot
THE END

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