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Episode 513: Tony Randall

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The Muppet Show
Guest Starring Tony Randall
Production Dates June 3-5, 1980
Home Video Best of the Muppet Show
TMSrandall

Browsing through an old book of magic spells, guest star Tony Randall accidentally turns Miss Piggy into stone. He considers bringing her to a stonemason for help. Fozzie, Gonzo and Floyd crack stone jokes as Kermit and Tony try to find a spell to change her back. Of course, the show must go on, and the Piggy statue takes the stage for "Pigs in Space". At the end of the show, the tables are turned when Tony accidentally does the spell on Kermit.

Songs/Sketches

Notes

Episode

Picture Description
513 cold open
Cold Open: A mysterious Cockney man arrives to inform Pops that guest star, Tony Randall is unable to appear on the show. Before he can escape, Pops realizes that the mysterious man is Tony Randall. He tells Tony to take it like a man. Tony reluctantly agrees to do “this crummy show.”
513 trumpet
"The Muppet Show Theme": Gonzo's trumpet is replaced with a fish. When he blows into it, bubbles are heard.
513 yakety yak 1
The opening act takes place in the caveman days, where every woman wore furs, every man had a private club, and backyard barbecues were truly mammoth. The cave pigs, scolding their children and joined by a saber-toothed tiger and a Brontosaurus, sing “Yakety Yak.” Zoot joins them on saxophone.
513 piggy and tony

513 miss piggy - stone
Miss Piggy stops by to visit Tony in his dressing room. There she finds him reading a book of old spells. There’s one to make it rain, one to make dogs stop barking, and one to turn people into frogs. And then Tony reads, “Zark zark jumbo, klong klong jumbo,” a spell to turn people into stone. And it works! Miss Piggy turns into stone (though apparently still alive, as she can be heard moaning inside). At first, Tony thinks that Miss Piggy is only joking. It is only after he has broken his hair brush on her snout that he realizes what has happened.

A moment later, Kermit the Frog knocks on the door. Tony is quick to cover Piggy up. Kermit enters, asking Tony if he knows where Miss Piggy has gone to.

Tony: “I don’t see her. Why don’t you put somebody else on next?”

Kermit: “Put somebody else on? I don’t think Miss Piggy would stand still for that.”

Tony: “Oh, I think she might.”

513 muppet orchestra
A Muppet String Quartet plays Boccherini's Minuet in A Major. A mischievous cellist keeps poking the violinist with his bow. The violinist retaliates by pushing the cellist into the piano. The pianist’s candelabra falls into his piano, causing the thing to set on fire. The flautist bumps into the pianist, the pianist punches the flautist, and the whole thing ends with an explosion. Through all of it they continue to play... and the cellist continues to poke the violinist.
513 backstage 1

513 backstage 2

513 backstage 3
Backstage, Scooter tells Kermit that he can’t find Miss Piggy, and he’s looked everywhere. Kermit says that he assumes she would be in her dressing room – turns out to be the only place Scooter didn’t look. Scooter then asks Kermit what he should do with the Muppet orchestra. Kermit tells him to take them outside. “Then what?” Scooter asks. Kermit replies, “Lock the door.”

Tony Randall appears on the landing, the stone Miss Piggy under his arm. His plan is to put her in the trunk of his car. “It has to be the trunk,” he tells her. “If I put you in the front, you’ll scratch the upholstery.”

Before Tony can take Miss Piggy to a doctor (or, perhaps a stonemason), Kermit shows up. Cornered, Tony has no choice but to show him what has happened. At first, Kermit assumes that it is a statue of Miss Piggy, a perfect likeness all the way to her “fleshy jowls.” Soon, though, Kermit learns the truth and panics. The guilt-ridden Tony agrees to do anything he can to help and Kermit tells him to just get ready for his number. Grateful, Tony goes to Kermit... dropping Miss Piggy over the railing.

Tony: “Did she break anything?”

Kermit: “Yeah. Couple of floorboards.”

513 newsflash
Muppet Newsflash: Orchestra leader Zuben Bechmesser was electrocuted when he absent-mindedly stuck his baton into an electrical socket. The Newsman claims he would have been killed if he weren’t such a poor conductor. Zuben sticks his baton in the Newsman’s nose.
513 backstage floyd fozzie

513 backstage pity piggy

513 backstage burn em
Backstage, Fozzie Bear lifts Miss Piggy up off the floor, pointing out that she must now way at least a ton. Floyd Pepper chimes in, “That means she’s lost some weight!” Fozzie tries to defend her, telling Floyd that she must be terrified. “Terrified? She’s PETRIFIED!”

Gonzo joins in with his own jokes, telling Miss Piggy that she’ll soon be back to normal thanks to his new book: Sandblasting Without Pain.

Floyd: “Hey, Gonzo, did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?”

Gonzo: “Worried about Kermit? Why?”

Floyd: “Because she’s afraid he’ll take her for granite.”

Kermit arrives to defend Piggy and scold Floyd, begging that Floyd take pity upon her. Floyd asks Kermit what he should do with the rest of his jokes; he has another page to go. Kermit answers, “Burn ‘em!” Floyd complies, striking the match on Miss Piggy.

513 nude raccoon
During Kermit’s introduction of Tony Randall, two nude raccoons come on in search of their raccoon coats taken for the number.
513 tippy tin
Tony sings "Ti-Pi-Tin" with the Female Singers.
513 coconuts
UK Spot: The Showman performs “A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts” while Quongo throws coconuts. Eventually, the coconuts join in.
513 scooter 1

513 rezal evad gib

513 zleog divad oznog
Scooter joins Tony in his dressing room to watch as he tries to turn Miss Piggy back. Tony covers nearly every page in the book in an effort to help Miss Piggy:

"Arvaltov Fazgoff!"

“Frell-gog-raimwraith-la!”

“Ynot-Lladnar!”

"Noslen-Yrrej!"

“Rezal-evad-gib!”

"Tnuh-Drahcir!"

“Zleog-divad-oznog!”

"Evets-Erimtihw"!

None of them undo stone-turning spell, however they succeed in changing Scooter into various creatures, including one that looks like Gonzo.

513 poison ivy
Dr. Teeth performs “Poison Ivy”. As he does, poison ivy grows out of his piano and overtakes him.
513 pigs in space
Pigs in Space: “As we join our heroes, it’s been a quiet day aboard the Swinetrek...”

Captain Link Hogthrob and Dr. Julius Strangepork are quite relaxed when we first find them. Link poses the question, “Do you suppose it’s because First Mate Miss Piggy has turned to stone?”

Strangepork explains that, while in the old days she might have been turned to stone by a magic spell, she may have been turned by playing with the petrificatratron – one of the Swinetrek’s defense systems. Not only does it turn people into stone, it also changes them back, which Link accidentally does by pulling the lever. Miss Piggy, temporarily back to normal is furious and determined to get even with everybody including her crew, so before their quiet day is spoiled Link and Dr. Strangepork turn her back into stone.

513 beauregard clears the stage

513 not a statue
Kermit finds Beauregard carrying Miss Piggy. When asked about it, Beauregard tells Kermit that he is clearing the stage and bringing the statue to the prop closet.

Kermit: “Beauregard, that’s Miss Piggy! Now, treat her well. She’s a star and a lady.”

Beauregard: “And a rock.”

As Beauregard leaves, Scooter comes in search of a statue, eyeing Miss Piggy. It seems Tony needs one for his poetry reading to end the show with. Kermit refuses to allow it... until Scooter recommends that they just cancel the closing number.

Kermit: “Get this statue on stage.”

513 tony poetry

513 tony poetry miss piggy

513 tony poetry football
Tony Randall recites “The Green Eye of the Little Yellow God” by J. Milton Hayes. As he does, Scooter shows up to inform Tony that he has found a spell to turn a statue into a pig – “Pigskin.” And as Tony says it, Miss Piggy returns to normal!

Miss Piggy: “Who you calling ‘pigskin,’ fish-face?”

Tony tells Piggy he was just ordering a football to go with his recitation.

As Tony recites his poem, he is interrupted by football players (including Rizzo) chasing Miss Piggy. Tony stops them, asking for their cooperation. The players agree, and start singing the fight song "On, Wisconsin"! Tony continues, unheard, with his recitation.

513 closing

513 closing 2
At the closing, Tony apologizes for turning Miss Piggy into stone. Kermit tells him not to worry about it, and then asks how it happened. Tony explains what he did, repeats what he said… and turns Kermit into stone.

Tony: “Tune in next time, find out, will an ugly girl kiss Kermit and turn him back?”

Edits

Tonykermitjim

In rehearsal with Jim Henson.

Muppets randall DW 1267858s
  • When aired on Nickelodeon, Dr. Teeth's song "Poision Ivy" was cut, as well as most of Kermit's intro to "Ti-Pi-Tin."

Cast

Muppets:

Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, Scooter, Statler and Waldorf, Beauregard, Link Hogthrob, Dr. Julius Strangepork, The Newsman, Floyd Pepper, Dr. Teeth, The Showman, Quongo the Wild Mountain Gorilla, Butch, Brontosaurus, Pigs, Coconuts, Whatnots

Background Muppets:

Zoot, Janice, Animal, Rowlf, Robin the Frog, Trumpet Girl, Lips, Zeke, Bobby Benson, Rizzo the Rat

Performers

Jim Henson as Kermit the Frog, Dr. Teeth, Waldorf, Link Hogthrob, the Newsman and Football player
Frank Oz as Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, and Animal
Jerry Nelson as Floyd Pepper, Butch, Pops, Quongo, Dr. Julius Strangepork and Football player
Richard Hunt as Scooter, Statler, Janice, the Showman, and Football player
Dave Goelz as Gonzo, Beauregard and Football player
Steve Whitmire as Rizzo the Rat and Raccoon
Louise Gold as British Woman and Female singer
Kathy Mullen as Female Singer
Karen Prell as Female Singer


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