Cold open

Pops files his nails. Jean-Pierre enters.
Pops Huh? Hey, who are you?
Jean-Pierre I'm Jean-Pierre Rampal. The guest star of the show.
Pops Oh, yeah. Jean-Pierre Rampal, the musician fella. Yeah, well we've got your instruments right here.
Jean-Pierre Here? But I don't play the fruit, I play the flute.
Pops Well, fruit, flute, what's the difference? Hit it, boys!
Fruit (harmonizing) Yes, we have no bananas. We have no bananas today.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Jean-Pierre Rampal! YAAAYYY!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
LipsTrumpet Opening
Gonzo plays a few notes of "The Entertainer" on his trumpet.
Gonzo Eat your heart out, Gillespie.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you, and WELCOME again to The Muppet Show, voted the best show in the world out of all the shows hosted by frogs. And tonight, our very special guest star is the internationally acclaimed French flautist — which means he plays the flute — Jean-Pierre Rampal. (audience aahs) Yes! But first, a song that asks the musical question, "why are those people sitting in a tree, hmm?"
Janice and The Electric Mayhem sing "Rockin' Robin," perched on tree branches. The Robin and some birds are joined by Dr. Teeth on the tambourine, Lips on the trumpet, and Animal, Zoot, and Floyd.
Waldorf Well, that's something new. They've never gone up a tree before.
Statler No, they usually just go out on a limb.
They chuckle.


The Mayhem and the birds pass by Kermit.
Kermit Okay, great opening number. Great number, guys.
Miss Piggy Kermit? Kermit, Kermit, Kermit... This is the last straw. I will not go on with Beauregard.
Kermit What's wrong, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy The idea that an artiste of my stature would sing with a mouth organ-playing stagehand? It is the coup de grace.
Kermit Beg pardon?
Miss Piggy Coup de grace? It is French. (sigh) Sometimes it is weary being the only person around here with culture and refinement. N'est pas?
Kermit Well, uh, actually Miss Piggy, as you requested, we have a flautist.
Miss Piggy Oh, well — is he any good?
Kermit He's the best.
Miss Piggy Well, alright, I'll do it.
Kermit Oh, good.
Miss Piggy Get the flute player out there.

"Lo! Hear the Gentle Lark"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Um, ladies and gentlemen, there have been many adjectives used to describe our special guest. "Brilliant", "imaginative", "classic", to name a few. But tonight he is about to earn yet another adjective: "foolhardy". As he attempts a duet with our own Miss Piggy. Ladies and gentlemen, Jean-Pierre Rampal, yaaaay!
Rowlf sits at the piano. Jean-Pierre emerges with his flute. He and Piggy bow to each other, then to the crowd.
Miss Piggy (to Rowlf) Do it.
Rowlf starts playing. Piggy repeatedly misreads her cue while Jean-Pierre plays.
Miss Piggy Now?
Jean-Pierre Yes.
She sings "Lo! Hear the Gentle Lark". A brief pause.
Miss Piggy You know, I usually sing alone.
Jean-Pierre You know, I usually play alone.
Miss Piggy Ahem.
She continues singing. Jean's playing seems to upstage her.
Miss Piggy Aw, knock it off. (cont'd) … I got it now.
The rest of the song takes on an almost competitive tone, but it ends in grace as Jean-Pierre kisses Piggy's hand.
Waldorf Oh, I think one more chorus would have killed the pig.
Statler & Waldorf Encore! Encore!

Bear on Patrol

The opening sequence plays.
Announcer And now … ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol.
Open on Link playing with the stamps again.
Fozzie All right, c'mon!
Link Hogthrob Oh, what now, Patrol Bear?
Fozzie drags in a car with no driver.
Fozzie C'mon, you. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, all right now, halt. Sir, sir, I caught this guy double-parking.
Link Hogthrob Oh yeah? What's his name?
Fozzie Well, he doesn't have a name.
Link Hogthrob Why not?
Fozzie Well, he can't talk. He's a car.
Link writes it down on a notepad.
Link Hogthrob Well, what's his license number then?
Fozzie Oh, oh, yes! It's uh, it's "ZZXKL". Yes.
Link Hogthrob Okay. Listen, "zixkel" — how do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?
The car honks three times.
Fozzie Not guilty. All right then, where's your driver?
The car honks two times.
Link Hogthrob Don't know, huh?
Fozzie I thought he said "at home".
Link Hogthrob Did you say "at home" or "don't know"?
The car honks several times.
Fozzie He said, uh, "let me out of this place, I want to call my lawyer."
Link Hogthrob Hmm. that's funny. I thought he said, "please don't send me to jail, I've got a wife and mopeds."
Fozzie Sir, what — what are we going to do?
Link Hogthrob We need a police interpreter.
He rings a bell. WHOOSH! In comes Gonzo.
Gonzo You called, lieutenant?
Fozzie Oh, yes, yes! Oh, police interpreter, sir! We're having trouble interrogating this … guy.
Gonzo Ah. Did you ask the questions in English?
Fozzie Yes.
Gonzo That could be your problem. You see, you have to speak to them in their native tong.
Link Hogthrob You mean "tongue."
Gonzo whips out a pair of tongs.
Gonzo No — tong.
Gonzo grips Fozzie's nose with the tongs. Fozzie starts yelping. The car honks a message.
Gonzo He's — he's three years old. He's imported.
Fozzie Oh please — please …
The car honks a message.
Gonzo He doesn't know where his driver is, but he likes an occasional sip of motor oil.
Fozzie Don't do this! Wha-hah …
The car honks a message.
Gonzo It's not his fault he was double-parked.
Fozzie Wha-hah, wait, please — this, this is not fun! Please!
Link Hogthrob Stop complaining, Patrol Bear. We all have to do our part.
Fozzie Please … please, please, I'm begging! Please!
Gonzo continues to grip Fozzie by the nose. The closing music plays.


Kermit Oh, Piggy? Jean-Pierre wanted to talk to you.
Miss Piggy Jean-Pierre? Oh oh, yes, the flute player. Mm-hm. He's sweet.
Kermit Uh yeah, you know, I told him that you and he could talk French together.
Miss Piggy Oh, uh, why?
Kermit Well, he is French and I thought it would be nice for you to chat with someone of culture and refinement.
Miss Piggy Um, ha-ha. Yes, well I, um, just remembered, I have laryngitis. Uh, my vocal coach told me not to speak French. Um, I'm not even supposed to each french fries. Oh, excuse moi... excuse me.
Jean-Pierre Oh, Miss Piggy. I've been a great fan of yours for years.
Miss Piggy Oh, well thank you.
Jean-Pierre [speaks French]
Miss Piggy Um, ha-ha, thank you.
Kermit What did he say?
Miss Piggy Well, uh... I'm not exactly sure.
Jean-Pierre You told me that you speak French.
Kermit Yes, all the time.
Miss Piggy Well, um, I can speak French. I just can't hear it.
Kermit Oh? Sort of laryngitis of the ear.
Miss Piggy Cool it, green-o. Um, so nice to chat with you, Jean-Pierre. Uh, I must go rest after my performance. I'm certain you understand. Hasta la vista!
Jean-Pierre Au revoir.
Kermit She's very temperamental.
Jean-Pierre She's a great artist.
Kermit Oh?
Jean-Pierre Uh, what is English phrase? Yes, ah yes, she's a con-artist.
Kermit Mm. You can say that again.
Jean-Pierre Yes, a con-artist.
Kermit He did.

Veterinarian's Hospital

The operating room is dark and deserted, except for Marvin Suggs, who lies on the operating table. A rhythm begins with his heartbeat, followed by the heart monitor. Marvin breathes, and soon some maracas and a bass line are added to the beat. As the other medical equipment starts moving to the rhythm, so does Marvin. Rowlf comes in with the maracas, leading Nurse Janice and Nurse Piggy in a conga line.
Rowlf (scatting)
Janice (scatting)
Marvin gets off the table and takes the front of the conga line with his drumsticks, as the music reaches its peak.
Rowlf & Janice (scatting) … conga! (scatting) … conga! La la la la, conga!
Janice Fer sure, this is a conga!

La la la la, conga! La la la la, conga!
La la la la, conga! La la la la, conga!

Some bandaged Muppets join the line.

La la la la, conga! La la la la, conga!
La la la la, conga! La la la la, conga!
La la la la, conga! La la la la, conga!
La la la la, conga! La la la la, conga!

Marvin strikes poses for the audience as they applaud.

UK Spot

Open on a French sidewalk cafe. An accordionist plays "La Seine", a penguin acts as a waiter, and Jacques and his girlfriend make out vigorously to the music.
Girlfriend Oh, Jacques. This little place, she's so beautiful. So Parisian. So — how you say — French.
Jacques But my darling, we do not need all of zis French rubbish when we have each other. (kisses her neck)
Girlfriend Oh, Jacques, Jacques, Jacques, Jacques, Jacques...
Jacques That is my name, do not wear it out. Ha ha.
The accordionist passes by them, playing.
Girlfriend François, play something romantique.
François What do you think this is, chopped liver?
He passes by other Muppets dancing and humming to his music.
François Everybody dances, even the French poodle.
Jacques Zat is zee worst accordion playing I have ever 'eard.
François Oh yeah? That's the worst French accent I've ever heard, too.
The Muppets dance as he continues playing.
François … alligator just went by there …
Jacques My darling, please do not run away from me … oh mais qui … I know it is but it is a little too fast, n'est pas?
Voice Keep it down there! I'm trying to sleep!
Jacques strikes the accordionist with a bottle as he finishes.

Dressing room

The robin listens to Jean-Pierre as he plays.
Robin (KP) Gee, if you're rehearsing in here, I was hoping you'd just let me sit and listen. Birds love flute music.
Jean-Pierre Well, I can understand that. You know, flautists love birds, too.
Robin (KP) Oh, really?
Jean-Pierre Yes.
He proceeds to play "The Little Shepherd" as the room is slowly filled with other birds.

Muppet Labs

Bunsen fiddles with a nail and wooden block, then notices he's on camera.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh! Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. And today we have something to speed up those time consuming repairs. Yes, you've guessed it already: the electric sledgehammer. Simple in concept, yes. But, is it fool proof? Well, that's where my assistant Beaker comes in.
Beaker (meeps)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Very good Beaker, right on cue. Now, when I plug the machine in, you press the start button, and we'll drive this stubborn old nail to kingdom come.
Beaker (affirmative meep)
Bunsen plugs the machine in and it starts whirring.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Go.
Beaker pushes the button. The hammer falls slowly on the nail and fails to drive it into the block.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh dear.
The hammer moves in the opposite direction, hitting Beaker over the head repeatedly.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew (sarcastic) Oh, thank you Beaker. Now you've broken it.
WHAM! The hammer swings over to the other side, slamming Bunsen's finger against the nail.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew No, he hasn't. (nurses his finger)

Muppet newsflash

Newsman Here is a Muppet News Flash. (runs to the desk) Muppet Labs has announced the escape of their new electric sledgehammer, which is believed to be roaming the city on a very long extension cord. There is no need to panic, however, since the hammer only attacks really wimpy nerds.
He is attacked by the hammer.


Kermit (through the intercom) Okay, the Pied Piper number's next. Pied Piper next.
Newsman Argh. There's too much violence on newscasts. (Kermit nods)
Scooter Hey, Kermit. You know the story of the Pied Piper?
Kermit Of course.
Scooter Yeah, well, the rats don't like it.
Kermit Who cares?
Scooter Well, they filed an official protest. (holds up a paper)
Kermit Rats? How official could it be?
Scooter Well, listen to this. (reads) "We feel the Pied Piper shows rats in a bad light."
Kermit Well, what's wrong with that? If it was a good light, you could see their pointy little noses and their long, icky tails. (chuckles)
Scooter Kermit, they're serious.
Kermit Oh, well, uh, do they refuse to do the number?
Scooter No, but—
Kermit Then, there's no point in discussing it.
Scooter But—
Kermit The closing number's the Pied Piper! (runs onstage)
Scooter But they have changed the story a little.

The Pied Piper

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit And now, please welcome our very special guest star, Jean-Pierre Rampal, making his acting debut in the fairy tale classic, The Pied Piper of Hamlin.
Open on a village with houses inhabited by rats, who watch as ravenous children chew away at the woodwork.
Rat (LG) Oh, burgermouster. Burgermouster, whatever shall we do? Our little village is being overrun by these ravenous hordes of children.
Rizzo Oh, no!
Rat (LG) Ja. They are eating us out of house und home.
Rizzo We'll have to hire somebody to get rid of them.
Jean-Pierre, the piper, appears in a puff of smoke.
Jean-Pierre Cross my palm with silver, and I will rid the village of the nuisance.
Rizzo It's a deal, I'll cross your palm with silver.
Rat (LG) Vhat? He vants The Lone Ranger's horse to run over his hands?
Jean-Pierre It's just a figure of speech.
Rizzo You'll get your money when you get rid of these pests.
Jean-Pierre starts playing "Ease on Down the Road". The children stop eating the houses and follow him, singing. Rizzo and the rats join in. Applause.


Kermit Okay, well, it looks like we've just about come down to the end of another one. But before we go, let us say thank you to a wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Jean-Pierre Rampal! Yay!
Jean-Pierre Thank you, Kermit. It was a pleasure. I love working with everybody, especially, Miss Mademoiselle Piggy.
Miss Piggy Oh, thank you Jean.
Jean-Pierre I hope your voice gets better so we can have a long conversation together in French.
Miss Piggy Oh, well, um, why don't you write me a letter?
Jean-Pierre I will send you a billet-doux.
Miss Piggy Oh, well, nice. Do you know my size?
Kermit We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Miss Piggy What's so funny?
The credits roll.
Waldorf Jean-Pierre has recorded an album of Frank Sinatra's hits on the flute.
Statler What's it called?
Waldorf "I Did It Sideways".
They chuckle.
Atv zoot