Pops: Huh? Hey, who are you?

Rampal: I'm Jean-Pierre Rampal. The guest star of the show.

Pops: Oh, yeah. Jean-Pierre Rampal, the musician fella. Yeah, well we've got your instruments right here.

Rampal: Yeah, but I don't play the fruit, I play the flute.

Pops: Well, fruit, flute, what's the difference? Hit it, boys!

Fruit: Yes, we have no bananas. We have no bananas today.

Kermit: It's The Muppet Show with out very special guest star, Jean-Pierre Rampal! Yay!

"The Muppet Show Theme"

Gonzo: Eat your heart out, Gillespie.

Kermit: Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Voted the best show in the world out of all the shows hosted by frogs. And tonight, our very special guest star is the internationally acclaimed French flautist — which means he plays the flute — Jean-Pierre Rampal.

Audience: Oooh!

Kermit: Yes! But first, a song that asks the musical question, "why are those people sitting in a tree?"

"Rockin' Robin"

Waldorf: Well, that's something new. They've never gone up a tree before.

Statler: No, they usually just go out on a limb.

Kermit: Okay, great opening number. Great number, guys.

Piggy: Kermit? Kermit, Kermit, Kermit... This is the last straw. I will not go on with Beauregard.

Kermit: What's wrong, Miss Piggy? Piggy: The idea that an artiste of my stature would sing with a mouth organ-playing stagehand? It is the coup de grace.

Kermit: Beg pardon?

Piggy: Coup de grace? It is French. [sigh] Sometimes it is weary being the only person around here with culture and refinement. N'est pas?

Kermit: Well, uh, actually Miss Piggy, as you requested, we have a flautist.

Piggy: Oh, well, is he any good?

Kermit: He's the best.

Piggy: Well, alright, I'll do it.

Kermit: Oh, good.

Piggy: Get the flute player out there.

Kermit: Um, ladies and gentlemen, there have been many adjectives used to describe our special guest. Brilliant. Imaginative. Classic. To name a few. But tonight he is about to earn yet another adjective, foolhardy. As he attempts a duet with our own Miss Piggy. Ladies and gentlemen, Jean-Pierre Rampal, yay!

Piggy: Do it.

"Lo! Hear the Gentle Lark"

Piggy: You know, I usually sing alone.

Rampal: You know, I usually play alone.

"Lo! Hear the Gentle Lark" continues.

Piggy: Aw, knock it off.

"Lo! Hear the Gentle Lark" continues.

Piggy: I got it now.

Waldorf: Oh, I think one more chorus would have killed the pig.

Statler and Waldorf: Encore! Encore!

The opening sequence plays.
Announcer And now … ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol.
Open on Link playing with the stamps again.
Fozzie All right, c'mon!
Link Hogthrob Oh, what now, Patrol Bear?
Fozzie drags in a car with no driver.
Fozzie C'mon, you. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, all right now, halt. Sir, sir, I caught this guy double-parking.
Link Hogthrob Oh yeah? What's his name?
Fozzie Well, he doesn't have a name.
Link Hogthrob Why not?
Fozzie Well, he can't talk. He's a car.
Link writes it down on a notepad.
Link Hogthrob Well, what's his license number then?
Fozzie Oh, oh, yes! It's uh, it's "ZZXKL". Yes.
Link Hogthrob Okay. Listen, "zixkel" — how do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?
The car honks three times.
Fozzie Not guilty. All right then, where's your driver?
The car honks two times.
Link Hogthrob Don't know, huh?
Fozzie I thought he said "at home".
Link Hogthrob Did you say "at home" or "don't know"?
The car honks several times.
Fozzie He said, uh, "let me out of this place, I want to call my lawyer."
Link Hogthrob Hmm. that's funny. I thought he said, "please don't send me to jail, I've got a wife and mopeds."
Fozzie Sir, what — what are we going to do?
Link Hogthrob We need a police interpreter.
He rings a bell. WHOOSH! In comes Gonzo.
Gonzo You called, lieutenant?
Fozzie Oh, yes, yes! Oh, police interpreter, sir! We're having trouble interrogating this … guy.
Gonzo Ah. Did you ask the questions in English?
Fozzie Yes.
Gonzo That could be your problem. You see, you have to speak to them in their native tong.
Link Hogthrob You mean "tongue."
Gonzo whips out a pair of tongs.
Gonzo No — tong.
Gonzo grips Fozzie's nose with the tongs. Fozzie starts yelping. The car honks a message.
Gonzo He's — he's three years old. He's imported.
Fozzie Oh please — please …
The car honks a message.
Gonzo He doesn't know where his driver is, but he likes an occasional sip of motor oil.
Fozzie Don't do this! Wha-hah …
The car honks a message.
Gonzo It's not his fault he was double-parked.
Fozzie Wha-hah, wait, please — this, this is not fun! Please!
Link Hogthrob Stop complaining, Patrol Bear. We all have to do our part.
Fozzie Please … please, please, I'm begging! Please!
Gonzo continues to grip Fozzie by the nose. The closing music plays.

Kermit: Oh, Piggy? Jean-Pierre wanted to talk to you.

Piggy: Jean-Pierre? Oh oh, yes, the flute player. Mm-hm. He's sweet.

Kermit: Uh yeah, you know, I told him that you and he could talk French together.

Piggy: Oh, uh, why?

Kermit: Well, he is French and I thought it would be nice for you to chat with someone of culture and refinement.

Piggy: Um, ha-ha. Yes, well I, um, just remembered, I have laryngitis. Uh, my vocal coach told me not to speak French. Um, I'm not even supposed to each french fries. Oh, excuse moi... excuse me.

Rampal: Oh, Miss Piggy. I've been a great fan of yours for years.

Piggy: Oh, well thank you.

Rampal: [speaks French]

Piggy: Um, ha-ha, thank you.

Kermit: What did he say?

Piggy: Well, uh... I'm not exactly sure.

Rampal: You told me that you speak French.

Kermit: Yes, all the time.

Piggy: Well, um, I can speak French. I just can't hear it.

Kermit: Oh? Sort of laryngitis of the ear.

Piggy: Cool it, green-o. Um, so nice to chat with you, Jean-Pierre. Uh, I must go rest after my performance. I'm certain you understand. Hasta la vista!

Rampal: Au revoir.

Kermit: She's very temperamental.

Rampal: She's a great artist.

Kermit: Oh?

Rampal: Uh, what is English phrase? Yes, ah yes, she's a con-artist.

Kermit: Mm. You can say that again.

Rampal: Yes, a con-artist.

Kermit: He did.

Veterinarian's Hospital

Jacques' Girlfriend: Oh, Jacques. This little place, she's so beautiful. So Parisian. So, how you say, French.

Jacques: But my darling, we do not need all of this French rubbish when we have each other.

Jacques' Girlfriend: Oh, Jacques, Jacques, Jacques, Jacques, Jacques...

Jacques: That is my name, do not wear it out.

Jacques' Girlfriend: François, play something romantic.

François: What do you think this is, chopped liver? Everybody dances, even the French poodle.

Jacques: That is the worst accordion playing I have ever heard.

François: Oh yeah? That's the worst French accent I've ever heard, too.

[overlapping dialogue]

The Robin: Gee, if you're rehearsing in here, I was hoping you'd just let me sit and listen. Birds love flute music.

Rampal: Well, I can understand that. You know, flautists love birds, too.

The Robin: Oh, really?

Rampal: Yes.

"The Little Shepherd"

Bunen: Oh! Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today. And today we have something to speed up those time consuming repairs. Yes, you've guessed it already. The electric sledgehammer. Simple in concept, yes. But, is it fool proof? Well, that's where my assistant Beaker comes in. Very good Beaker, right on cue. Now, when I plug the machine in, you press the start button and we'll drive this stubborn old nail to kingdom come. Go. Oh dear. Oh, thank you Beaker. Now you've broken it. No, he hasn't.

Newsman: Here is a Muppet News Flash. Muppet Labs has announced the escape of their new electric sledgehammer which is believed to be roaming the city on a very long extension cord. There is no need to panic however, since the hammer only attacks really wimpy nerds.

Kermit: Okay, the Pied Piper number's next. Pied Piper next.

Newsman: Argh. There's too much violence on newscasts.

Scooter: Hey, Kermit. You know the story of the Pied Piper?

Kermit: Of course.

Scooter: Yeah, well, the rats don't like it.

Kermit: Who cares?

Scooter: Well, they filed an official protest.

Kermit: Rats? How official could it be?

Scooter: Well, listen to this. "We feel the Pied Piper shows rats in a bad light."

Kermit: Well, what's wrong with that? If it was a good light, you could see their pointy little noses and their long, icky tails.

Scooter: Kermit, they're serious.

Kermit: Oh, well, uh, do they refuse to do the number?

Scooter: No, but—

Kermit: Then, there's no point in discussing it.

Scooter: But—

Kermit: The closing number's the Pied Piper!

Scooter: But they have changed the story a little.

Kermit: And now, please welcome our very special guest star, Jean-Pierre Rampal making his acting debut in the fairy tale classic, The Pied Piper of Hamlin.

Rat: Oh, burgermouster. Burgermouster, whatever shall we do? Our little village is being overrun by these ravenous hordes of children.

Rizzo: Oh, no!

Rat: Yeah, they are eating us out of house and home.

Rizzo: We'll have to hire somebody to get rid of them.

Rampal: Cross my palm with silver, and I will rid the village of the nuisance.

Rizzo: It's a deal, I'll cross your palm with silver.

Rat: What? He wants The Lone Ranger's horse to run over his hands?

Rampal: It's just a figure of speech.

Rizzo: You'll get your money when you get rid of these pests.

"Ease on Down the Road"

Kermit: Okay, well, it looks like we've just about come down to the end of another one. But before we go, let us say thank you to a wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Jean-Pierre Rampal! Yay!

Rampal: Thank you, Kermit. It was a pleasure. I love working with everybody, especially, Miss Mademoiselle Piggy.

Piggy: Oh, thank you Jean.

Rampal: I hope your voice gets better so we can have a long conversation together in French.

Piggy: Oh, well, um, why don't you write me a letter?

Rampal: I will send you a [indiscernible]

Piggy: Oh, well, nice. You know my size?

Kermit: We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

Piggy: What's so funny?

Waldorf: Jean-Pierre has recorded an album of Frank Sinatra's hits on the flute.

Statler: What's it called?

Waldorf: "I Did It Sideways"

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