Cold open

Stage door. Pops reads a book.
Pops Dullest book I ever read.
509-1
Pops Hey! Who are you?
Debbie I'm Debbie Harry. Kermit asked me to guest on the show tonight.
Pops Debbie Harry! That's right, you sing with that rock group, uh …
Debbie Blondie.
Pops Eh?
Debbie Blondie. That's the name of the group.
Pops Blondie?
Debbie Yes.
Pops Dumb name for a group. If I were you, I'd have called it something different.
Debbie If you were me, you would have called it "Baldie".
She pats his head and chuckles.

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Debbie Harry! Yaaayyy!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
LipsTrumpet Opening
409 trumpet
Gonzo plays the trumpet with his ear.
Gonzo What a great ear! (laughs)

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you! Hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And it's going to be a fantastic show tonight, because with us is one of the great stars of rock music, Miss Debbie Harry of Blondie! (applause) Yes! And now — Robin, what are you doing out here?
Robin Well — my Frog Scout troop was hoping one day you'd let 'em come visit backstage at The Muppet Show.
Kermit Okay, I suppose that could be arranged.
Robin Come on! It's okay!
509-3
The excited Frog Scouts flock Kermit.
Kermit You said ONE day!
Robin Yeah, but today's the day! Debbie Harry's here! Yaaayy!
The Frog Scouts cheer.
Kermit Okay, okay, okay, but before we get to see Debbie, here is our opening number!
Robin Oh, great! Wonderful.
The Frog Scouts sit down in the middle of the stage. Kermit shoos them off.
Kermit Guys, will you get out of here? Out, out, get out! Opening number!
Open on an outdoor setting with a church in the background.
509-4
Wayne

What a beautiful day,
For a wedding in May.
See the people all stare
At the lovable pair.
She's a vision of joy.
He's the luckiest boy.
In his wedding array,
Hear him smilingly say …

Mulch

The bells are ringing for me and Gargoyles.
The birds are singing for me and Gargoyle.

Gargoyle

Ev'rybody's been knowing to a wedding they're going.
And for weeks they've been stowing days of labor and toil.

Both They're congregating …
Mulch … for me and Gargoyle.
Both The parson's waiting …
Mulch … for me and Gargoyle.
509-5
Gargoyle (giggles) And sometime we're gonna build a little home for two …
Gargoyle heads … or three or four or more,
All In love land, for me and Gargoyle.
Mulch Oh, Gargoyle.
Mulch swings as he rings the bell.
Gargoyle (giggles) And sometime we're gonna build a little home for two or three or four or more,
All In love land, for me and Gargoyle.
The Frog Scouts gather around them to take pictures. Applause.
Scout (DG) Hey! Oh, look — get this … smile! That's it! Okay, smile, say cheese!
Gargoyle (swats) Get out.
Waldorf Oh, incredible. What kind of creature would marry a Gargoyle?
Statler A Gar-boy?
They chuckle.

Backstage

Mulch and the Frog Scouts pass by Kermit.
Kermit Okay, that was a nice number. Nice number, Mulch.
Mulch Oh, hey. Hey, can't you do something about these kids? They nearly ruined that number.
Kermit Yeah, well, I'm sorry about that, Mulch, but you know kids — they're all the same.
509-6
Mulch Not mine. Mine are different.
Kermit (nods) Mm. I suppose they are.
Mulch They're at the museum today.
Kermit Mm-hm. Nice. Visiting the museum?
Mulch Not visiting. On exhibit.
Gargoyle They're weird, but worth seeing.
Kermit Uh, Frog Scouts — uh, Robin?
Robin Yes, Uncle Kermit?
Kermit Uh, did you guys come with an adult?
Robin Oh, sure. Mrs. Appleby!
Mrs. Appleby Yes?
Kermit Uh, Mrs. Appleby, the scouts are getting a little bit out of hand. Maybe you should talk to them?
509-7
Mrs. Appleby Oh, of course. They're just kind of excited about seeing Debbie Harry.
Kermit Mm. Well, I don't blame them, but I do worry about them getting hurt. There's some dangerous areas around here.
Mrs. Appleby Oh, don't worry about that. I'll just give 'em a little safety talk.
Kermit Mm-hm.
Mrs. Appleby Boys! Boys, come here. Is everybody here?
They gather around her.
Mrs. Appleby Um, I don't see Norman.
Scout (DG) Oh, I saw him going upstairs.
Mrs. Appleby Huh?
509-8
Norman is thrown over the railing from within Animal's dressing room. Animal emerges, laughs, then goes back inside.
Kermit That was one of the dangerous areas I was talking about. (goes onstage)
Mrs. Appleby Norman?
Frog Scouts Norman? Norman? Wake up.

Muppet newsflash

Newsman Here is a Muppet newsflash. Famous French clothing designer, David Lazeur, was arrested today under the poultry laws for designing clothes that can suddenly turn into chickens.
Poof! His clothes suddenly turn into chickens.
509-9

"One Way or Another"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Okay, ladies and gentlemen, it's guest star time —
The Frog Scouts surround him, cheering.
Kermit Will you guys get — get off the stage! Get off the stage! Clear the aisles, because here she is, ladies and gentlemen, the queen of rock n' roll, DEBBIE HARRY! YAAAAYY!
Open on a gritty alley setup with a Muppet rock band. Debbie emerges.
Debbie Hey - this ain't my normal band. … Well, what's normal about a band, anyway?
509-10 509-11
Debbie sings "One Way or Another" as she is pursued by Mulch. Other Muppets that she encounters include the Frog Scouts, sharks, demons, a tiger, Timmy Monster, a borogove and a woman showering. Mulch finally breaks through the door and she catches him. Applause. She gives him a kiss.
Statler Who was she supposed to be looking for, anyway?
Waldorf The guy who booked her on this crummy show!
They chuckle.

Backstage

Debbie and the band pass by Kermit.
Kermit Okay! Great number! Great number, guys. Hey Debbie? Debbie, I'm awfully sorry about Mulch there.
Debbie Oh, that's okay, Kermit, I like fans, any size, shape or species. (embraces him)
509-12
Kermit Uh, Mulch, what were you doing in that number anyhow? You were in the opening.
Mulch Just wanted Debbie's autograph. Heh heh.
Kermit Uh, did you give it to him?
Debbie Of course. I'm gonna turn him down?
Mulch Thanks, Debbie. (walks away)
Debbie Yeah. It's okay. Heh. Actually, I felt a little sorry for him. Uh, he said it was for his kids. They don't get out much. (goes upstairs)
Kermit (nods) I bet they don't. And speaking of kids, whatever happened to the Frog Scouts?
Gaffer Meow.

Dressing room

The Frog Scouts, dressed as punk rockers, play guitar and chatter.
Frog Scouts (random) Yeah, the business ain't the same without Johnny …
Debbie enters.
Debbie SQUAD, HUT!
The Scouts stand at attention.
Debbie Okay, kids, take it easy.
509-13
The Scouts relax and start praising Debbie.
Frog Scouts (random) Aw, that number was dynamite! Incredible! Beautiful.
Debbie Hey, wha-what are you guys doing in here anyway?
Scout (DG) Oh, we're working on our punk merit badges.
Debbie (glances at camera) Punk merit badges?
Robin Yeah. Well — could you give us some tips? We're only tenderflippers.
Debbie Well, you could learn to dance the pogo.
Robin The pogo? Would that get us our punk merit badges?
Debbie It'll get you tender flippers. (giggles)
Scout (DG) Hey, a kidder? Huh?
Robin Hey guys —
The Scouts launch into a guitar solo and jump. Kermit enters.
Kermit Hey, what's all the noise in here?
Robin Oh, sorry, Uncle Kermit. We just wanted to tell Debbie that we think she's real PUNK!
509-14
Kermit Robin, you're insulting our guest star.
Debbie Oh, no he isn't.
Kermit Uh — well listen, does Mrs. Appleby know you guys are in here?
509-14.5
Mrs. Appleby WAH-HOO! Forget Mrs. Appleby! Meet the safety pin QUEEN!
They all whoop, holler, jump and play guitar. Kermit is befuddled.
Kermit Gee. Things have really changed a lot since I was in the Frog Scouts.

UK spot

509-15
A little girl sings “Forgiven” with Alexander Beetle.

Dressing room

Kermit enters with a banjo.
Kermit Oh, Debbie!
Debbie Hey, Kermit.
Kermit Hey — what's this I hear about your wanting to do a rainbow song?
Debbie Oh, yeah — I just dig songs about rainbows.
Kermit Oh, good.
Debbie I sent you a list.
Kermit Uh, yeah, I got the list. Uh, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and … "I'm Always Chasing Rainbows" …
Debbie Well, yeah. Which one should I do?
Kermit Well — well, well, you left out one rainbow song.
Debbie (gasp) … I did?
Kermit Yeah. My rainbow song.
Debbie Oh, that one. (he nods) Well, I thought you might be tired of that.
Kermit Well, uh, no, I — I — actually, no, I'm not — not tired of it at all.
Debbie Well, let's do it then.
Kermit Oh, good! I thought you'd never ask. It goes like this.
He plays the opening riff.
Kermit Remember?
Debbie Yeah.
509-16 509-17
They sing "The Rainbow Connection". The Frog Scouts join them towards the end. A rainbow appears above them.

Pigs in Space

Vehicle.Swinetrek
Announcer And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! You may remember, when we last left the spaceship Swinetrek, it was caught in a meteor storm. If you don't remember, that's okay, I've just reminded you.
Link and Strangepork try to steer the ship as it rattles.
Miss Piggy Oh! Captain Link! Whatever shall we do?
Link Hogthrob Don't worry, First Mate Piggy, no meteor can penetrate the hull of this ship! It's made of super-strength porkium alloy!
Dr. Julius Strangepork Ja, that's right. Absolutely no chance of any damage.
A hole is immediately punctured in the hull, and the ship starts losing air. Piggy screams.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Of course, I'm usually wrong about these things!
Link Hogthrob Help! There's a hole in the hull! There's a hole in the hull!
Miss Piggy Help! … We've got to plug the hole before all the air is sucked out of the ship!
Link Hogthrob Yes, but what can we plug it with?
Miss Piggy I don't know, knuckle-brain! You just plug the hole!
Link Hogthrob Okay!
He drags Piggy towards the hole and plugs it with her head.
Miss Piggy Hey — what's going on?
Dr. Julius Strangepork There! There, now we've plugged the hole. Are you happy?
Miss Piggy (muffled) No I'm not! Get me outta here!
Link Hogthrob Lucky it was a snout-sized hole, or we'd be in big trouble. (laughs)
509-18
Miss Piggy If you don't get me out of here, you'll be in even bigger trouble!
Dr. Julius Strangepork Quick, Link! Get the pepper!
Miss Piggy Get the pepper?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Yeah, don't worry. With this pepper, we'll have you out of there in no time!
Link fetches a pepper shaker and sprinkles it on Piggy.
Miss Piggy Hold it — hold it —
Link Hogthrob Sprinkle sprinkle sprinkle.
She sneezes her way out of the hole.
Link Hogthrob Oh! Oh, help! I'm being sucked into the hole!
He plugs it.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Oh, good work, Captain! You've saved the ship!
Miss Piggy Yay!
Announcer Tune in again next time for Pigs in Space, when we'll hear Captain Link say …
Link Hogthrob Oh — but what about my head?
509-19
Miss Piggy Don't worry, it's not a vital organ.
The closing music plays.

Backstage

Kermit Okay. Pigs in Space, very exciting.
Miss Piggy That was a mess, Kermie.
Kermit Well, I-I'm sorry about that, Piggy.
The Frog Scouts get in her way.
Miss Piggy (shoving) Would you get a job?
Link Hogthrob (moans)
Mrs. Appleby Oh, that poor thing! What happened to him?
Kermit Uh, well, it's a long story. Actually, it's a short story — he did something dumb.
Mrs. Appleby Well, we can't let him suffer like that. Scouts! Give that pig first aid!
They all gang up on Link and cover him in bandages.
509-20
Link Hogthrob Am I better?
Kermit Gee, they're very fast.
Mrs. Appleby Oh, yes, yes, and with great precision, too. Why, you should have them do their close-order drill on the show.
Kermit Well, they're amateurs, and we only book professionals.
Mrs. Appleby Oh.
WHOOSH! Enter Gonzo.
509-21
Gonzo Kermit, it's disaster time. You're gonna have to cancel my wrestling match with Quongo, the wild mountain gorilla.
Kermit But why?
Gonzo He just called from his limo. It's stuck in traffic. Sorry! (whooshes away)
Mrs. Appleby That was a professional?
Kermit Y—yeah. Uh, listen, maybe we can overlook our rule against amateurs tonight. How soon can your scouts be ready?
Mrs. Appleby Ten-hut!
They stand at attention.
Kermit You're next. (goes onstage)
Mrs. Appleby Scouts — are you ready for the big time?
Frog Scouts Yes, Miss Appleby!
Mrs. Appleby Swell! But first we gotta do this crummy show.
Frog Scouts (laugh)

Frog Scout drills

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to announce that, due to circumstances beyond our control, The Great Gonzo will be unable to wrestle a fierce mountain gorilla as advertised.
Audience: "Awwww."
Kermit But, it is an ill wind that has no silver lining, so in his place, we proudly present the precision drill team from the Okefenokee Pack 12 of the Frog Scouts of America! YAAAYY!
The Frog Scouts do their march as their drill sergeant calls.
Drill scout Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Sound off!
Frog Scouts Sound off!
Drill scout One two!
Frog Scouts One two!
Drill scout One two three four!
Frog Scouts One two! Three four!
Drill scout Go left! Go left! Go left, right, left!
Frog Scouts

We left the swamp for solid ground!
Drop and step and march around!

Quongo enters, and the Scouts trample over him.
Quongo Gonzo! Gonzo? Hey, have you seen Gonzo? I was supposed to wrest— hey boys? Hey! Hey boys!
Frog Scouts

We're practicing the mighty hop!
Never ever do we stop!

Drill scout Sound off!
Frog Scouts One two!
Drill scout Sound off!
Frog Scouts One two!
509-22
Quongo Hey, cut it … cut it out, will ya, guys? I'm looking for Gonzo! You see, I was — hey! Hey, I'm gettin' mad!
Frog Scouts One two three four one two! Three four!
Quongo I'm gettin' outta here!
Applause. Quongo runs into Gonzo in the wings.
509-23
Quongo Where was ya?
Gonzo What's the diff? You was gonna take a dive anyway.
Quongo Oh. Yeah. (exits)

"Call Me"

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare. The Frog Scouts join him.
Kermit Okay! Well, here we are at the finale, and I bet you know what that means!
Frog Scouts Debbie Harry!
Kermit That's right, Debbie Harry!
Kermit & Scouts YAAAYYY!
509-25 509-24
Debbie performs “Call Me” with the Muppet punk band.

Goodnights

Kermit Okay! Well, I guess we've just about done it all, even those parts that we shouldn't have. But the best of it was certainly our guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Debbie Harry! YAAAYYY! Yeah! Yeah!
Applause. Debbie emerges dressed as a scout.
Debbie Thank you, Kermit. Thank you, Kermit. Isn't it terrific? They made me an honorary Frog Scout.
The Frog Scouts come out and cheer.
509-26
Debbie By the way, Kermit, I think it was very nice of you to let the Frog Scouts perform on the show.
Kermit Uh …
Mrs. Appleby Mr. Frog, my boys just did your show, and we never negotiated a deal.
Kermit (stammers) But you can't do that to me!
Mrs. Appleby Hm?
Debbie Oh, yes she can, Kermit. She's got her merit badge in deal negotiation.
Kermit Uh — we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The chatter continues as the credits roll.
509-27
Robin Can we stay here while we work on our next merit badge?
Statler Merit badge in what?
Robin Grumpiness.
The Frog Scouts laugh while Statler and Waldorf scowl.
Atv zoot
THE END

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