Cold open

Pops … Somethin' terr'ble in this coffee. Oh — heh heh! It's my finger.
Señor Wences enters.
Pops Hey, who are you?
Wences I am Señor Wences, the ventriloquist and juggler.
He begins juggling the oranges in the bowl.
Wences02
Pops Oh, Señor Wences! Well, of course I knew you was a ventriloquist, but I didn't know you was a juggler.
Wences finishes juggling, tosses the oranges and walks away.
Pops Hey! You come back here and pick those up!

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show(slides down the O) … with our very special guest star, Señor Wences! Yaaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
LipsTrumpet Opening
508-trumpet
Gonzo plays the opening of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony on his trumpet.
Gonzo What were you expecting, Rachmaninoff? (sigh)

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And we've got a super surprise treat in store for you, because our guest star is one of the world's great ventriloquists, the amazing Señor Wences! (audience oohs) Yes! And we also have a guest puppeteer, Mr. Bruce Schwartz! (audience aahs) Right. And so what we're doing — we're going to switch the entire show around — it's a complete change of pace, folks — tonight, we're going to do a PUPPET SHOW! (audience cheers) Yes. Yes, it's a real first. And now, to start things off, here is Pinocchio himself, singing "Puppet Man".
Pinocchio 508-puppet man
Pinocchio and a host of other puppets and dolls sing "Puppet Man" for Gepetto (as played by Pops).
Statler Personally, I don't care for puppets much. I don't find them believable.
Waldorf I don't believe you!
They chuckle.

Backstage

Pinocchio and the puppets pass Kermit.
Kermit Okay, nice number, guys. Pinocchio, I have good news for you, because Dr. Bob agreed to do something about your nose.
Pinocchio Well, nose news is good news. (laughs, walks away)
Kermit Oh boy, you know, I just love the show tonight. I think the idea of an all-puppet show is, is not too shabby.
Fozzie Hey Kermit — Kermit, Kermit?
Kermit Hmm?
Fozzie I wanna do a puppet act!
Kermit Stand by for disaster.
Gonzo Hey, guys.
Fozzie Oh, oh, Gonzo, hey, you wanna do a puppet act with me?
Kermit Cue the disaster!
508-doll wiggling
Gonzo What's a puppet?
Fozzie Oh, well, see …
Kermit … y'see, it's a doll that's made to look alive by wiggling strings, or putting your hand inside of it, and …
Fozzie (over Kermit) Yeah. It's a doll. … Yeah, with strings … (moves his hand) … hands. Like that.
Gonzo What a stupid idea. Who wants to watch dolls wiggle?
Fozzie (shrugs) Well …
Gonzo I mean, even I wouldn't do an act like that. Doll wiggling, talk about boring. Heh! (walks off)
Fozzie But …
Kermit I didn't have the heart to tell him. (walks onstage)

Johnny and Pedro

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Okay. And now tonight's special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, one of our very favorite performers, the international, the fabulous, the terrific Señor Wences! ¡Olé!
A flamenco fanfare plays as the curtain opens on Wences with Johnny.
Wences (Johnny) Ready? (Yes.) That's good. Your name? (Johnny.) Johnny. (Martin.) Martin. Good boy? (Yes.) Good. How do you feel today? (No good.) No good? (No.) Headache? (Yes.) Fever? (Yes.)
He touches Johnny's hand.
Wences (Johnny) Fever, no. (No?) No. (No.) No. Hhh- give me your breath. (Hhh.) I don't think so. (No?) No. Open your mouth please. Little more. More. No, no, no, no. (No?) No, too much. Open like me — ah.
Wences03
Wences (Johnny) Good. Show me your tongue. Very good. I have one idea, Johnny. (Yes?) Yes. Do you remember the Spanish song? (Yes.) Can you sing for me now? (Please?) Hey. (Yeah.) Okay. You alone. … Louder.
As Johnny sings the song, Wences puts a rag in his mouth. Johnny continues muffled singing while Wences lights a cigarette and smokes it. Applause. He puts Johnny away.
Wences (Johnny) Very good, Johnny. (Yes? ) Yes. (Nice?) Very very nice. Nice voice. (Yes?) Yes. I like you very much. (Thank you.) You're welcome. Rest for awhile? (Yes.) Sure.
He picks up a green box.
Wences (Pedro) Ready, my friend? (No.) No, okay. (S'alright.) Okay, that's good.
He opens the box, revealing Pedro.
508-wences pedro
Wences (Pedro) Would you like, Pedro, to sing with me? (Sure.) Good. I have one idea. Before we need to vocalize. (Why?) Very important. Because I need to know your lung capacity. (That's all?) That's all. When you see me close and open the door, do you mind? (No.) No. You see. Do this — (vocalizes) Repeat. (Pedro repeats) Good. (Good.) And repeat the same — (closes the door) — you see the difference.
He vocalizes; Pedro repeats as he opens the door. They continue repeating each other. He puts Pedro away and picks up a plate.
Wences (Johnny) Very good. (Very nice.) You like? (Yes.) Thank you very much. Now, Johnny, I have a very nice treat for you. (Now?) Now. (Yes?) Yes. Are you interested? (Very.) Thank you very much.
He starts moving the plate around.
Wences (Johnny) You see? You can do beautiful things. Slowly. See? Don't be nervous. Watch. You like it? (Yes. Finished?) Not finished.
He picks up two sticks.
Wences (Johnny) (Finished?) Not yet. (No?) No. … (Finished?) Not yet. I said not yet. (Not yet?) Not yet.
He taps the green box.
Wences (Pedro) (Please.) Sorry. (S'alright.) S'alright. Yes. Watch, okay? Don't be nervous.
He spins the plate on one stick.
Wences (Johnny) (Not so close.) I know what I am doing. (Yes, but I don't.) Tell me, Johhny, are you afraid? (No.) You're not afraid? (No.)
Wences (Pedro) Are you afraid? (Not yet.) Alright, don't worry. You don't care, Pedro, if I open? (No.) Eh? (Okay.) (he opens the box) Okay, that's good.
He continues spinning the plate.
Wences (Johnny) (Hurry hurry hurry.) Don't worry. (Please.) Don't worry. And now you do this — look … and center. … That's good.
He taps the spinning plate with the other stick.
Wences (Johnny) (One o'clock.) S'nice, eh? (Yes. … Please.) Don't worry. (Ay-yi-yi.) Don't worry.
Wences (Pedro) (Close the door.) (he shuts it) All right, Pedro, I will close the door.
A flamenco fanfare plays as Wences finishes spinning the plate and takes a bow.
Statler ¡Olé!
Waldorf Bravo!
Statler S'alright?
Waldorf (as Pedro) S'alright.
They chuckle.

Veterinarian's Hospital

Piggy mouths along with the announcer.
Announcer Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack …
The announcer pauses, to mess with her.
Announcer … who's gone to the dogs.
She pouts, and walks over to the table.
Janice Dr. Bob, this is Pinocchio. He wants a nose job!
Rowlf Ohhh.
Miss Piggy Hoo-hoo-hoo.
Rowlf Listen, it's more than a job, it's a career!
They all laugh.
Rowlf How'd his nose get so long? Was his mother frightened by the Concorde?
They all laugh.
Miss Piggy Dr. Bob, he is made out of wood!
Rowlf Wood? Then he doesn't need a doctor, he needs a tree surgeon!
They all laugh.
Pinocchio You don't understand. Every time I tell a lie, my nose grows a foot.
Rowlf Then he needs a foot doctor!
They all laugh.
Pinocchio That's funny!
He laughs, and his nose grows a foot. They all stare in awe.
Miss Piggy Dr. Bob, with a nose like that, I wonder if he has a keen sense of smell.
Rowlf I hope not. This sketch could kill him!
They all laugh.
508-vets hospital
Janice Bob, you've got to help him! Shorten his nose. He'll feel better.
Rowlf I got a better idea. I'll shorten the sketch and then everybody'll feel better!
They all laugh.
Rowlf (looks up) And so we come to the end!
Announcer And so we come to the end
Rowlf Good!
Announcer … of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week, when you'll hear Dr. Bob say …
Rowlf Wait a minute! I just remembered, I can't operate on anybody made out of wood!
Pinocchio Why not?
Rowlf I can't stand the sight of sawdust!
They all laugh. Pinocchio whacks Dr. Bob with his long nose.
Statler Boo!
Waldorf Terrible!
Statler Bad!
Waldorf Not bad.
Statler Well, pretty good.
Waldorf Okay.
Statler Decent.
Waldorf Fair.
Statler Great.
Waldorf I loved it!
Statler Bravo!

The Swedish Chef

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit Uh, ladies and gentlemen, no puppet show would be complete without a performance of Swedish bread-lump puppetry, as demonstrated here by our own Swedish Chef! Yaaaay!
Swedish-Lump-Bread-Puppetry 508-dough puppet
The Swedish Chef makes a puppet using his hands and some bread dough as he sings "These Boots Are Made for Walkin'" in his native tongue.

Dressing room

Wences expands a collapsable top hat. Lew Zealand enters with a fish.
Lew Zealand Wow, Tanya, if you could do that, we'd have a great act. Go practice. (tosses the fish) Excuse me, Mr. Señor Wences.
Wences S'alright, don't worry.
Lew Zealand Yeah, I didn't want to interrupt you but, Mr. The Frog wanted me to tell you, that the telephone in this dressing room is not working.
Wences This telephone?
Lew Zealand Yeah. That's the one.
It rings. Wences picks it up.
Wences (phone) You make me laugh. (…) Yes. (Yes?) Yes, I was waiting for you for the last two weeks. (…) Yes. (Yes?) Everybody nice. (…) Yes, I know. (…)
Lew notices that the wire is disconnected.
Lew Zealand Hey. What the hey.
508-telephone
Wences (phone) Yes, yes, yes, I know that. (Yes?) Yes.
Lew starts smashing the phone with a mallet.
Wences Okay. Yes. One second, yes, yes. Of course. He's here. Lew?
Lew Zealand Hmm?
Wences I have a message for you.
Lew Zealand For me? Oh, you must be mistaken.
Wences No mistake at all. It is the phone company. They want you to stop breaking the telephone. Okay?
Lew Zealand Okay.
Wences (Pedro) (S'alright.)
Applause.

UK spot

Backstage.
Beauregard Kermit, theater manager, green thing and boss!
Kermit Uh, yes, Beauregard?
Beauregard Well, did you know that I have some puppets?
Kermit No.
Beauregard Yes! When I heard about the show tonight, I brought them. Look.
He displays a Punch puppet and an alligator puppet.
Kermit Hey. Those look great.
Beauregard Yes. And now I'm going to give you an amateur puppet show.
Kermit Oh, wonderful. I just love puppet shows.
Beauregard Great! Okay, I'll go down now. (ducks Punch down) Oops. Wrong one.
He ducks himself down and makes the puppets bow.
Kermit Bravo, bravo!
Beauregard Thank you, thank you!
Kermit Not you, Beau.
Beauregard Oh. (ducks) (Punch: "Well, who are you?") (Gator: "Oh, I am just a big friendly dog.") (Punch: "Well, then why are you green?") (Gator: "I am an Irish setter.") (Punch: "Oh! I hope you wouldn't bite my hand. Here.") (Gator: *chomp*)OOOHHH! Hey! You bit my thumb.
Kermit Uh, Beauregard, you're not supposed to come up.
Beauregard Yeah, but — he hurt me. (ducks) Just watch it.
Piggy stops and watches.
Beauregard (Punch: "Oh, well, let's see, where was I?") (Gator: "Oh, I was going to bite you very badly.") (Punch: "Oh, I hope you don't. I might have to get out my stick.") (Gator: "Well, that's too bad. Here I come.")
Beau's puppets fight.
Kermit (to Piggy, quietly) I'm just sitting — I'm watching a puppet show right now.
Miss Piggy Is — is this what you have booked on the show tonight instead of moi?
Kermit Piggy, please.
Miss Piggy You know, I had a song for tonight, but you said the dolls are going to be on.
Kermit Uh, yeah …
She gets in his way. Their interaction slowly evolves to echo that of Beau's puppets.
Miss Piggy Kermit — Kermit, watch me.
Kermit Piggy — Piggy, these are not just dolls.
Miss Piggy Kermit, why can't I do my number tonight?
Kermit Uh, puppetry is an art form, Piggy.
508-uk spot
Miss Piggy You call that violence art?
Kermit Uh, well, violence belongs with puppets.
Miss Piggy He — he's hitting her?
Kermit That's Punch and Judy. They've always been violent.
Miss Piggy Punch and Judy —?
Beau stops puppeteering and starts watching Kermit and Piggy.
Kermit It's good, it's good — it's a good aggressive behavior.
Miss Piggy Better than my act?
Kermit Uh, Piggy … what — Piggy …
Miss Piggy I'll show you aggressive. I'll show you behavior. I'll show ya! I'll show ya! (karate-chop) Hi-YAH! Punch and Judy.
Beauregard Bravo! Bravo!

Bruce Schwartz

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have with us one of the world's great puppeteers …
508-fozzie kermit
Fozzie (enters) Oh, oh, thank you! Thank you! Hahaha!
Kermit Not you, Fozzie! I'm talking about Bruce Schwartz.
Fozzie Well, when you're ready, I'm ready. (exits)
Kermit That's a mighty iffy "when". Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen, with a traditional Japanese ghost story, our guest puppeteer Bruce Schwartz.
508-schwartz
Bruce Schwartz performs a Japanese ghost story with bunraku puppets.

Backstage

Kermit Boy, these puppets are really classing things up around here.
Fozzie emerges with a marionette.
Fozzie You think that's classy? Look at Gumdrop the Gorilla!
508-gumdrop
Kermit Uh, Gumdrop is part of your marionette act, right?
Fozzie Yeah, yeah, see, he dances — dance, dance dance, dance — and he talks. "Hello, Mr. Frog!" Huh? Huh? See, what's gonna happen — I'll open with Gumdrop the Gorilla …
Kermit Mm-hmm.
Fozzie … and then I'll follow with the dancing clown. Huh?
Kermit Yeah. Well — well, Gumdrop looks a little tangled up there.
Fozzie Oh, yeah, well — you have to know how to do this. Uh, gotta be a professional here. You see, what happens with the strings — all you have to do —
He tosses Gumdrop away.
Fozzie I'll open with the dancing clown.
Kermit (nods) I'll introduce you.
Fozzie Thank you.
Kermit Never thank the executioner.
Fozzie What?
Kermit Nothing.
He goes onstage. Fozzie picks up the dancing clown marionette and follows him. Gonzo watches.
Fozzie Alright, it's showtime!
Gonzo Wiggling dolls is weird. In fact, it might even be sick. (sigh)

Fozzie's comedy act

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit Okay, well, I think there's no way to avoid it, folks. So here he is, Fozzie Bear and his high-strung marionette!
Fozzie makes the clown dance as an instrumental of "Teddy Bear's Picnic" plays.
Fozzie Oh boy. This is terrific. This could be a whole new career. I… I mean, I… I never felt so, so … in command before. Look at that! … Ha. It moves at my command. Huh, I pull the string, and it does anything that I want it to.
Clown puppet Y'know, I don't wanna do this anymore. Hey you! Rug-face!
Fozzie Wha — who, me?
Clown puppet Yeah! C'mere!
He pulls Fozzie down by the strings and laughs. Fozzie groans.
508-dancing clown
Fozzie It's all part of the act, folks! Kermiiiit!
508-gonzo in the wings
Gonzo Fozzie was right! It's a terrific idea for an act.
Clown puppet Aw, what do you know about it, banana beak?
Gonzo Heh.
Statler Poor Fozzie. I don't know whether to laugh or feel sorry for him.
Waldorf He wanted to make us laugh.
Statler I feel sorry for him.
They chuckle.

Backstage

508-muppet group
Kermit Hey Fozzie, are you coming off stage or what?
Lew Zealand Yeah, c'mon, why don't you get a class act? Boy, that was terrible.
Fozzie Wh-what happened?
Gonzo It was good.
Kermit Hush, hush up. Quiet down, everybody.
Lew Zealand Be quiet! We're trying to watch the señor's big finale!
Kermit Yeah, well, you won't get to see it unless you show a little respect and hush up.
Scooter We won't get to see him if you don't show a little respect and go out and introduce him.
Kermit scowls and goes on. The other Muppets hush up.

Cecilia Chicken

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit Um — um, uh, uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen, once again, here he is, our very super special guest star, Señor Wences! Yaaaay!
The flamenco fanfare plays as Wences enters with Cecilia Chicken.
Wences (Cecila) Tell me please, what is your first name? (Cecilia.) Oh, Cecilia. And second name? (Chicken.) Chicken. My name is Señor Wences. (Oh.)
Wences (Johnny) This is Johnny. (Martin.)
Wences (Cecila) (Yes.)
Wences (Johnny) (Yes.)
Wences (Cecila) (Nice?) Nice boy.
Wences (Johnny) You like Cecelia? (Yes.)
Wences (Cecila) (Thank you.)
Wences (Johnny) (Thank you.)
Wences (Cecila) (Thank you.)
Wences (Johnny) (Thank you.)
Wences (Cecila) (Eh.)
Wences (Pedro) (Eh.)
Wences (Cecila) (Who is that?) Pedro.
Cecelia taps her beak on the green box. Wences opens it and shuts it when Pedro growls. He holds up an egg.
Wences (Cecila) Please, don't worry. Tell me, Cecilia, please, what is that? (My son.) Your son, or your daughter? (My son.) How do you know? (I know my business.) Your business? That's good.
He puts the egg in the hat.
Wences (Cecila) Can you help me please? (Now?) Now. Yes please.
He picks up the phone receiver, holds it to Cecilia's ear and does the voice on the other end.
Wences (Cecila) (…) (Yeah? … Who's this?) Mary.
Wences (phone) Mary? (Moreno?) Moreno is not here. (No?) No, no, I'm sorry. Señor Wences speaking, remember me? (No.) Oh no. (No.) No. (What?) I don't know. The ventriloquist. (Ahh.) Yes, how are you? (Fine, you?) Very well. Please, will you do me a favor? Call your brother. (Really?) Please. Very important, please.
508-cecilia
Wences (Cecila) Nice kiss. (*Kiss*) Thank you. *kiss*
Wences (Johnny) (To me.) To you? (Yes.)
Wences (Cecila) (Yes?) Yes, please, for a nice boy. (*Kiss*)
Wences (Johnny) (Thank you.)
Wences (Cecila) Once to me. (*Kiss*)
Wences (Pedro) To everyone — (Not to me.) Don't worry, don't worry, Pedro.
He picks up the receiver again and uses a different voice.
Wences (Moreno?) Yes, how are you, friend? (I'm good.) Good. Excuse me, I caught you at a very very bad moment.
Wences (Cecila) Excuse, eh? (Yeah.) One second. Yesterday, I spoke with the pianist, Mr. — what is the name?
Wences (Johnny) (Manolo.)
Wences (phone) Manolo. (Manolo.) Yes. I would like to come tomorrow morning in plenty of time, to start the song. (Tomorrow morning?) Tomorrow morning. One more second please.
Wences (Johnny) At what time rehearsal tomorrow morning, eight o'clock or ten o'clock? (Ten.)
Wences (Cecila) (Ten?)
Wences (Johnny) (Yes.)
Wences (Cecila) (Yes.) Yes.
Wences (Pedro) Ten o'clock, no? (I don't care.) Alright, don't worry, don't worry.
Wences (phone) Ten o'clock tomorrow morning. (Tomorrow morning.) Don't forget. (No.) No. (No.) No. (No.) Thank you very much.
Wences (Johnny) (Okay?)
Wences (Cecila) Okay. (Okay?) Okay.
Wences (Pedro) Okay? (S'alright.)
Applause. The flamenco fanfare plays as the Muppets gather and cheer for Wences.

Goodnights

Kermit Okay, well, that just about brings to an end the Muppet Puppet Show, but before we go, let us thank our guest Bruce Schwartz, and our incredible guest star, Señor Wences! Yaaay!
Wences Thank you for your having me, Kermit.
Kermit Oh, well, it's been a pleasure, and I'd like to apologize for Fozzie's puppet act.
Wences I liked that very much.
Kermit You did — huh?
Fozzie Kermit! Kermit!
508-closing
Fozzie enters with strings attached.
Fozzie Hahaha! How about a new act here, huh? Terrific, aaaah!
He wiggles. Pan up to the ceiling. The clown controls Fozzie's strings.
Clown puppet Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah! This dummy-wiggling is sensational! What a feeling of power! (laughs)
Kermit Uh, well, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The clown sways Fozzie back and forth. The Muppets gather onstage as the credits roll.
508-statler and waldorf
Statler and Waldorf play with puppets of their own, but ultimately decide to abandon them over the edge of the theater box.
Atv zoot
THE END

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