Cold open

Open on Pops, making a phone call at his post.
Pops Yeah, send me over a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and make sure it talks!
Pops hangs up, when Glenda Jackson enters the stage door, carrying a penguin, Eric.
Pops Uh, who are you?
Glenda I'm Glenda Jackson. And you must be Pops, the doorman.
Eric And I'm Eric!
TMS507-01
Pops Glenda Jackson?!
Eric No, Eric!
Pops Not the famous actress?
Glenda Yes.
Eric That's right - Eric, not the famous actress.
Pops (shaking his head) Beats me why you stars hang around with creeps like that.
Glenda I'm not his creep, I'm his limousine!
Eric Drive on!
Glenda presses her nose, emitting the sound of an engine ignition. The two drive offscreen.
Pops Dressing Room One, you can't miss it!
Glenda skids and crashes.
Pops (to camera) See?

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Glenda Jackson! Yaaayyy!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
TMS507-02
Gonzo blows his trumpet and gets pushed out of the way by four penguins.

Opening number

Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And we have some wonderful things planned for the show tonight. We have centipede tag-team wrestling. We have the Singing, Marinated Turnips! And best of all, we have the fabulously versatile actress, Glenda Jackson! (crowd gasps) Yes! But first, but first, here is Gonzo the Great in a semi-autobiographical extravaganza! Ladies and gentlemen, Gonzo the Great! Yaaay!
Song-carwashblues
Gonzo sings "Workin' at the Car Wash Blues" with the chickens. Near the end of the song, he visualizes himself working in an executive office.
Gonzo (spinning in his chair, shouting) Oh, Ms. Leghorn, would you take a letter?!
Enter Ms. Leghorn, his attractive, chicken secretary in a scandalous outfit, clucking.
Gonzo (gasps) Forget the letter, Ms. Leghorn. Let's take the afternoon off!
Ms. Leghorn leaps into Gonzo's chair. Back in reality, Gonzo and the chickens finish the song.
Waldorf That was a great number, I don't care what you say.
Statler I thought it was dumb!
Waldorf Maybe you're right. (both laugh)

Dressing room

Glenda, wearing a feathered cap, converses with Eric in her dressing room. Kermit knocks on the door. Glenda seals her jacket up.
Glenda Ahoy there?
Kermit (peering through the door) Uh, oh, ahoy, uh, Glenda. May I come in?
Glenda Come aboard! (to Eric) Officer of the Watch, pipe the frog aboard!
Kermit enters as Eric blows his whistle.
Kermit Uh, uh, thank you. I just wanted to make sure you were comfortable.
Glenda Me? Oh, any old port in a storm.
Kermit Well, uh, I'm sorry I've been so busy.
Glenda Bilge-wash, I'm glad to see you run a tight, little ship.
Kermit Uh...uh, Glenda, do you have any connection with the sea?
Glenda and Eric take to each other. Glenda laughs and takes off her jacket, revealing a pirate outfit underneath.
Glenda Meet...Black Jackson, the Heartless Pirate Captain! Ah-ha!
Eric And I be Eric, the Heartless Pirate Parrot! (with Glenda) Ha-ha!
Kermit Uh, uh, tha-tha-that's silly - you're not a parrot, you're a penguin!
Eric This be a disguise! (with Glenda) Ha-ha!
Kermit Oh yeah? Well, take it off.
Eric ...no.
Kermit Ah-ha! W-what's the matter? Aren'y you wearing your parrot suit underneath?
Eric And get it crumpled? Humph.
Penguincostume
Eric goes behind a changing screen and tosses his unzipped penguin costumer onto it.
Glenda He do be a ruthless, heartless pirate, but he do like his privacy.
Eric emerges, revealed to be have really been an parrot all along. A short music sting accompanies him.
Eric Ha-ha!
Kermit Uh, uh, wait a second! I didn't order that music sting!
Glenda No, I did! I'm takin' over!
Eric Yeah!
Kermit Ho, ho! You and whose army?!
Glenda Me and my army!
TMS507-03
Glenda opens a trap door in the floor, revealing five of her pirate mates.
Glenda and Eric Ha-ha!
Glenda Ah, look alive now, me bonny boyos one, two, three, four - you go stealthy now and we do be masters of this tub!
Pirates (assorted cheers)
Kermit Wait a minute! You can't take over my theater with this motley band!
Glenda They will have the help of Short John Silver!
Sweetums, in a pirate banana on his head, appears from behind the changing screen.
Glenda, Eric and Sweetums Ha-ha!
Kermit Ah! Et tu, Sweetums?!
Glenda Actually, I think he ate three - perhaps you'd better count the chickens!
Glenda and the crew laugh, while Kermit grimaces.

"Tie the Man Down"

Tms-pirates
The pirates find their way to the stage and sing "Tie the Man Down," but the number ends with three of them tied together in ropes.

Backstage

Three of the pirates from the song pass through, knotted together. A sea bell has been installed on the balcony's upper deck.
Kermit Okay, that was knot too terrific.
Pirate (SW) It knot be our fault - no one showed us the ropes!
Glenda and Sweetums exit her dressing room as one mate, Dead-Ear Dick, rings the bell.
Glenda All ashore that's going ashore! All a-
Dead-Ear Dick continues ringing the bell as she talks. She grabs the rope, then snaps Dead Ear with his own earpatch. He groans in pain.
Glenda I have told you never to do that while I'm giving orders.
Beauregard How come he doesn't have that patch over his eye?
Glenda He's Dead-Ear Dick!
Glenda makes her way downstairs, as Sweetums and Dead-Ear Dick begin to fasten a helm to the balcony.
Glenda All ashore that's going ashore! All ashore that's goin-
Kermit (interrupting) Uh, w-wai-wait a second, we're al...woah, Glenda! We're already ashore!
Glenda No, we are not, you silly frog. We've cast off to look for buried treasure!
Kermit What?!
Glenda Buried treasure! You know, pieces of eight, doubloons, fifteen men on a dead man's chest, yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum...
Kermit Ah, ho-hold it, hold it, hold it, that's ridiculous! I'm not gonna go along with anything ridiculous like that!
Glenda Oh, yes you are! Tie 'im up, lads!
Kermit What?
Glenda Tie 'im up, lads! Go ahead, tie up the frog! Whoopie!
Three pirates surround and grab Kermit, then begin to tie him up.
Glenda Weigh the anchor!
Dead Ear We did - two and a half tons!
Glenda Dead Ear!
Dead-Ear Dick snaps himself with his earpatch.
TMS507-04
Glenda He learns slow, but he learns good. Cast off the bow lines!
Frackle (FO) Hey!
Glenda Cast off the stern lines! Cast off the punchlines!
Pirates (assorted cheering and laughing)
Kermit Glenda, Glenda! W-wait, this is a theater!
Glenda Oh, it is, is it? Set a course for the Spanish Maine!
The pirates cheer, when the sounds of the sea become audible.
Glenda Listen, listen! Kermit, we're underway!
Kermit Yeah...nice special effect. (exits)
Frackle (FO) You think we tied him too tight?
Glenda No, no, no. His eyes were always like that.
The pirates all laugh.

Fozzie's comedy act / "A Capital Ship"

Kermit, bound with rope, enters to fanfare.
Kermit Uh, uh, uh, a-and now ladies and gentlemen, we present that fabulous-
The stage tilts, akin to a ship at sea, shifting Kermit a little.
Kermit Uh, uh, folks, things are a little weird here tonight, so try and bear with us. And to help you bear with us, we have a bear with us - that king of near-miss comedy, Fozzie Bear!
Kermit waves as best he can with his arms tied up as the curtains open on Fozzie's act.
Fozzie Thank you, thank you and thank you! Hey! Didja hear about the new sport they have? Yeah, you walk through five miles of poison ivy. It's called itchhiking. Ahhh! (wiggles ears)
TMS507-05
The stage rocks again, throwing Fozzie off balance. Glenda enters.
Glenda Brief the colors! Strike the top mizzen and the gallons! Avast me hearties! Jib the spinnaker! Comin' about! Heartily!
The stage rocks some more, as Fozzie moans.
Fozzie Boy, it sounds so nautical.
Glenda I know, isn't it amazing? I could never pass my driving test, but all this seems to come very naturally! (giggles) Ah, heave-ho, me hearties!
At Glenda's command, Fozzie's backdrop rises up to the rafters, revealing that the theater has been converted to a ship at sea, brewing with pirates.
Fozzie KERMIIIIIITTT!
Fozzie runs out to the wings.
Fozzie Kermit!
Kermit Uh, Fozzie, why aren't you doing your monologue?!
Fozzie Look!
Kermit (gasps)
TMS507-06
Glenda leads her crew in a verse of "A Capital Ship." Kermit briefly enters the scene.
Kermit I don't believe this!
Glenda and the crew continue to sing. Eventually, one peg-legged Troll falls over and the others use his body as a trampoline. He falls into the drink as the song builds to a finish.
Waldorf Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!
Waldorf dives out of the box and makes a splash down below.

UK spot

TMS507-07
Eric the Parrot sings "Carolina in the Morning" while the Swedish Chef readies him for the kitchen. Eric has the last word when he shoots him in the face with a blunderbuss pistol.

Backstage

From the upper balcony backstage, Sweetums steers. Another pirate adjusts the flag. The entire space rocks side to side due to the ocean.
Kermit Oh, good grief. Uh, Scooter!
TMS507-08
Scooter slides by, eyes dazed and looking very green.
Kermit W-what are you doing? You're supposed to be setting up the next act!
Scooter Ooh, I'm feelin' a little seasick, boss.
Kermit Oh, nonsense. You've never looked better!
Scooter Huh?
Kermit (to intercom) Okay, set up "At the Dance!" "At the Dance," please!
The theater suddenly rocks to the side, sending Scooter sliding away.
Scooter Oh, 'scuse me, boss! (crashes)
The dancers start making their way to the stage.
Kermit Come on, you guys! Lot of enthusiasm and energy! We don't wanna lose that audience!
Woman (KP) Oh, I just don't wanna lose my lunch!
Kermit Uh, uh, that too.

At the Dance

Open on the ballroom, where the pirates mingle with other dancers. The ballroom shifts with the seas throughout the sketch.
Woman (KM) Oh, I think I see a free table.
Pirate (SW) Really, where?
Woman (KM) It's right behind you!
The pair are knocked over by a table sliding into them as the ballroom tips sideways. Other dancers fall across the floor as well. Eric and a pirate slide into view, dancing together.
Pirate (JN) Uh, have you parrots always known how to talk?
Eric No, the first call for talking parrots began over 2,000 years ago by one of Ben Hur's great aunts.
Pirate (JN) Was it any good?
Eric You mean you haven't heard the famous "Parrots of Ben's Aunts?"
The ballroom tips again, sending the dancers to the other side, except for one couple and a peg-legged pirate.
Man (JH) You know that, uh, pirate they call "Peg Leg," he's a pretty good dancer.
Woman (LG) Of course! I know I'd seen him somewhere before!
Man (JH) Oh, where was that?
Woman (LG) At the hop! (laughs)
The ballroom tips again.
Peg Leg Keelhaul the writers! Hoist the laugh track! Whoaaaah!
TMS507-09
The ballroom tips again, bringing another pirate pair into view.
Pirate (RH) Arr, do you have a ring in your ear?
Frackle (DG) No.
Pirate (RH) Well, all real pirates have a ring in their ear!
Frackle (DG) I never heard that.
The pirate produces a bell and bangs the Frackle's head with it, sending him shaking.
Pirate (RH) Now do you hear it? (laughs)
The ballroom shifts some more, sending dancers all over.

Muppet Sports

The split-screen montage plays as Louis Kazagger announces.
Louis Hi there, sports fans! It's Louis Kazagger with the Wild Word of Muppet Sports!
TMS507-10
The layout disappears, showing Louis sitting atop the ship's mast, along with a Whatnot Sailor hanging from it.
Louis Today, we're going to see a new record set for yardarm hanging. (to sailor) How long have you been hanging there?
Sailor Over 36 hours! 'Nother five minutes, and I set a new record!
Louis I see. Well, can you tell us a little about yardarm hanging?
Sailor Well, the main thing is you got to never look down. That way, you may get dizzy and fall!
Louis Uh, yes, I can understand that. Uh, how high up is this yardarm?
Sailor (looking around) Golly, I don't know. Well, this must be a hundred and some...
The sailor looks down and notices how high up their actually are. He becomes dizzy and starts moaning, then lets go and starts to fall.
Louis You've still got a chance! Grab onto something!
Louis' microphone cable tethers, indicating the sailer has found something to grab.
Louis No, no! Not the mic chord!
Louis is pulled from the mast and plummets.

Backstage

Kermit (to intercom) Okay, Shakey Sanchez on stage, please! Shakey Sanchez!
Fozzie (approaching the frog) Kermit?
Kermit Hm?
Fozzie A-are you feeling okay?
Kermit Why?
Fozzie Well, y-you look kinda green.
Kermit (grimaces) I'm always green!
Fozzie Well, how do you know when you're sick?
Kermit stammers, exasperated, as Shakey comes by carrying a bomb.
Kermit Oh, good luck, Shakey!
Shakey AHH! Don't do that! (shudders)
Lew Zealand (entering) Who was he?
Kermit Uh, that's Shakey Sanchez and his bomb balancing act.
Lew Zealand He does a bomb balancing act?
Kermit Yeah. It's a good thing the sea is calmer when it was.
Just then, Miss Piggy walks by behind them toward the stage.
Piggy Hello, Kermie!
Suddenly, the ship rocks the direction Piggy heads, sending Lew sliding away, screaming.
Kermit Uh, Piggy! Would you come back?!
Piggy (walking in the opposite direction) Kermit, I-I'm busy. I can't now!
Kermit But, Pi-
TMS507-11
As the ship rocks the other way, Shakey, now blindfolded, slides into the backstage, holding his lit bomb.
Shakey And now ladies and gentlemen, only 20 nerve-shredding seconds to go!
Kermit Uh, uh, uh, PIGGY! Back this way!
Piggy (walking by again) Kermie, I can't now!
Kermit You're rockin' the boat!
Shakey I throw the bomb high up in the air... (slides back to the stage)
Kermit Piggy, stop!
Piggy (stops backstage) What?!
Shakey's bomb is heard falling from the air. Lew enters from the stage.
Lew Zealand I got it! I got it!
Kermit What?
Lew Zealand Yeah! (catches the bomb) Ha, ha, ha! I got it! Here it comes, Shakey!
Kermit stammers in a panic and Piggy screams as Lew tosses the bomb back to the stage. They all duck as it explodes.
Kermit (getting up) Oh, I don't believe this show!!! (runs toward the stage)

The Musical Battle at Sea

Kermit rushes in.
Kermit (stammers) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, they say the show must go on, but they never say why! Well, right now the show must not go on! Because I quit! I give up! Our guest star's a pirate, the theater's sailing out to sea and I'm losing my mind!
Glenda (entering) Kermit, you can't stop the show now, not before the grand finale.
Kermit (stammers) What grand finale?!
Glenda The musical battle at sea!
Kermit No, no, no, no! There will be no musical battle at sea!
Glenda Too late, Kermit. Look!
The curtains open on the ship. A cannon ball strikes the deck, causing a small explosion. Everyone recoils.
Glenda Fire number one cannon!
A pirate follows orders and fires the cannon at the unseen enemy vessel.
Glenda And that was only a warning shot! All hands on deck for the musical battle at sea!
The crew assembles as the music begins. Stray cannon balls fly by and explode as they sing.
Glenda and Pirates

Sailing, sailing
Over the bounding main
For many a stormy wind shall blow
'Til Jack comes home again!

Sailing, sailing
Over the bounding main
For many a stormy wind shall blow
'Til Jack comes home again!

A cannon strikes the edge of the ship, right by Eric.
Eric Home again, home again! (retreats)
Glenda Fire number one cannon! Fire number two cannon!
TMS507-12
Piggy (entering) What's going on here, Jackson?! Alright, that does it! Stop doing these terrible things to my frog's theater!
Glenda Okay, just for a change, I'll do something terrible to your frog's pig!
Piggy What?!
Glenda Come with me!
Glenda and some pirates grab hold of Piggy, while others continue to blast their cannons.
Piggy (simultaneously) Hold it! Let go of me! Kermit! Kermit!
Glenda (simultaneously) Help me here! Tie her up! Tie her to the mast! Make her walk the plank! Tie her up!
A pirate Troll ties Piggy to a barrel.
Piggy Wait a minute! Help, help!
Frackle (JH) Captain, we be out of ammunition!
Glenda Drat and bedraggled, what are we gonna use?!
Frackle (JH) Uh...
Salvation appears in the form of the Flying Zucchini Brothers!
Zucchini Brother Hey! Why don't you use-a us?! That's a-what a-we do best! Ey!
Glenda The Flying Zucchinis, the Human Cannonballs! We're saved!
Zucchinis (assorted cheering)
Glenda Load 'im up!
A pirate Troll climbs his way back to the deck, when he's knocked off by a flying chicken. Another Troll picks it up and shows it to Glenda.
Glenda A chicken? That means that that ship is under the command of scourge of the sea - Gonzo the Great!
Glenda and the crew look toward the sea and witness Gonzo, dressed as a captain, sailing by on a small ship filled with chickens, who cluck along as Gonzo sings and fires his cannons.
Gonzo

Anchors away, my boy (BOOM!)
Sail through the foam ¡Arriba! (BOOM!)
Until we meet once more
Here's wishing you a happy voyage home (BOOM!)

TMS507-13
The pirates load one of the Zucchinis into the cannon and fire. Glenda then views Gonzo through her spyglass.
Gonzo Ahoy, Muppet Theater! Stand by to be boarded! You know what to do, girls! Yeah-ho!
Glenda is shocked as the chickens tie Gonzo with rope and toss him toward the Muppet Theater. His nose hooks on to the side, making contact between ships.
Gonzo We've boarded!
Glenda You villain! A living grappling hook! C'mon, me hearties!
A Troll begins tossing cannonballs to Sweetums, who bats them away like baseballs toward Gonzo's ship. Both sides begin to sing.
Glenda and Pirates

Sailing, sailing
Over the bounding main

Gonzo and Chickens

Anchors away

An explosion blows the Troll overboard.
Glenda and Pirates

Sailing, sailing
Over the bounding main

Glenda lights what she believes is a keg of gunpowder, but instead ignites a panicked rat's tail.
Gonzo and Chickens

Anchors away...ahhh!

Gonzo swings across the deck and crashes into the main pole. Glenda throws the keg overboard, where it explodes.
Glenda and Pirates

Sailing, sailing

Gonzo and Chickens

Anchors away

Glenda and Pirates

Sailing, sailing

Gonzo and Chickens

Ya-ho! Anchors away

TMS507-14
Glenda grabs her sword from a Troll, knocking him overboard again. Kermit climbs on board, with a scarf around his neck and sword in his mouth. He and Glenda begin to sword fight.
Kermit Watch this, folks!
Gonzo Get 'er, Kermit!
Kermit I will, I will!
Gonzo C'mon!
As Kermit and Glenda duel, Gonzo's chickens battle the other pirates. Sweetums rolls a cannon ball like a bowling ball, taking out a few. Glenda goes in for one last stab, but Kermit blocks her and forces the sword from her hand, sending the Troll overboard yet again.
Kermit Ah ha! Ha ha! We won, we won, we won! Victory is ours! Right, tie her up, Sweetums! There's only one thing left to say...
Gonzo What?
Medley.pirates
As Kermit and the gang begin their musical finale, the rats set Piggy free and Sweetums ties Glenda to the post.
Piggy (over the lyrics) Hurry! Ah!
Kermit and Company

We love to roam out yonder
Out where the Buff'lo wander (assorted hooping and hollering)
Free as the Eagle flying
I'm a-roping and a-tying
I'm a-roping and a-tying (assorted hooping and hollering)

Glenda

Give me my ranch and my saddle
Far from the great city's rattle

Kermit and Company

Give me a big herd to battle
For I just love herding cattle

All

Fifteen men on a dead man's chest
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

The Muppets all celebrate their victory as Glenda sneers and jeers at them.

Goodnights

Kermit re-enters, with Glenda still tied to the mast.
Kermit Okay, and thus, we come to the end of what must be the weirdest Muppet Show of all, thanks to our very special guest star - ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Glenda Jackson! Yaaay! (applause)
Glenda Thank you very much, Kermit. I really enjoyed playing a pirate. But, you think I might possibly...
Kermit Oh, yeah. Sweetums! Sweetums, untie the guest star, would you? Quick, hurry up there. Uh, you know, you know, Glenda, I really believed you were an honest to goodness pirate.
Glenda Oh, really? That's very kind of you.
Kermit Yeah, okay. Well, there she is. Now, that's the real Glenda Jackson.
Glenda, untied, giggles and takes a bow. She rises, sword in hand.
Glenda Wrong, frog! The real Captain Jackson! Whoopie!
TMS507-15
Glenda cuts a rope on the mast, dropping a net over the Muppets.
Gonzo Ahh! What? Ahh!
Piggy Help! Help!
Glenda Ah, tie 'em up, me boys, and take 'em below!
Kermit Uh, uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Glenda Don't hold your breath!
The Muppets struggle with the net and pirates as the closing theme plays. It it draws to a close, Statler and Waldorf appear in the ship's crow's nest.
Waldorf I wonder why they call this thing a "crow's nest."
TMS507-16
Suddenly, a crow in pirate attire pops up.
Crow Get outta my nest, ya' dummies!
The old geezers laugh and the crow caws.
Atv zoot
THE END

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