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Episode 504: Shirley Bassey

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The Muppet Show
Guest Shirley Bassey
Production March 24-27, 1980
Premiere UK: March 15, 1981
US: October 4, 1980

Kermit borrows fifty million dollars worth of gold for Shirley's closing number, "Goldfinger". Security guard Bruno is suspicious that Kermit wants to steal the gold, but keeping an eye on the frog makes him overlook both Bunsen Honeydew (who turns one bar into cottage cheese) and ultimately a band of pig thieves, who steal all the gold as Shirley sings.



Picture Description
Cold Open: Shirley is greeted in reception by Pops who is grooming a rodent. He says that since she's doing the show tonight, she can brush his rat (they all pitch in around here). "Oh good," she says, "then you can comb my crocodile."
"The Muppet Show Theme": When Gonzo blows his trumpet, it crows like a rooster.
Em bboogie
Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem (including Lips) perform "Barnyard Boogie" outside a farmhouse with Gaffer, Rizzo, a pig, sheep, cow, rooster, chickens, and an unnamed dog. At the end, Statler and Waldorf add their own lyrics: "Boo! Boo! Say the men in the theatre box, don't boogie in the barnyard!"
Backstage, Scooter informs Kermit that they don't have any gold paint for Shirley Bassey's closing number. Meanwhile, a pair of Dancing Sacks garner a flood of boos from the audience, so Kermit tells Fozzie to sack the sacks.
Shirley sings "Fire Down Below" in a gold foundry inhabited by Timmy Monster and a workforce of Whatnots. Statler thanks Waldorf for saying that it was a great number. He didn't write "Fire Down Below" but the guy who did had just had a bowl of his chili.
While out buying gold paint, Scooter bumped into a security guard named Bruno. He's a big fan of Shirley Bassey's, so he's going to let The Muppet Show borrow $50 million worth of gold bars for her closing number. While Bruno scrutinizes Kermit, Beaker sneaks in from behind and takes off with a gold bar.
In Muppet Labs, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew reveals an alchemy machine that can turn gold into cottage cheese. Beaker loads up the machine with the newly acquired gold bar just as Bruno tracks him down. Once the conversion is complete, Bruno sinks his hands into a bar of cottage cheese and chases after Beaker.
Scooter brings Shirley a bowl of cottage cheese in her dressing room, as she enjoys a light snack in between numbers. When she pulls out the spoon, however, she finds that it's not light after all -- it's solid gold.
Lovely day
Two Fazoobs from Planet Koozebane perform "Isn't This a Lovely Day". The Trumpet Fazoob plays while another shoots balls into the air, each of which appear to explode. The last descends, having gained mass, and falls on the trumpeter's head.
For the UK Spot, the Muppet Orchestra plays "After You've Gone" with Nigel conducting Floyd, Zoot, Janice (on banjo), Animal, Rowlf, Lips, and the Trumpet Girl (on trombone) in the orchestra pit.
In her dressing room, Fozzie tells Shirley that it's driving him crazy to know how much money is hanging around in the theatre and explains he could use it to buy a lot of jokes from his writer, Gags Beasley. Shirley explains to him that there are many more things in life than money, and sings "Pennies From Heaven". When she gets to the chorus, coins begin to fall from the ceiling. They're eventually joined by T.R., Lew Zealand, Dr. Teeth, Rizzo, Beaker, and Gonzo. By the end, they're all catching change as it falls.
The Newsman delivers a Muppet News Flash accompanied by the gold bars with Bruno close behind. The report states that dire consequences will befall anyone who lays a finger on the gold. As he demonstrates, Bruno flips him into the air and the Newsman yells for a doctor. The doctor checks out the gold and says they'll be all right, "but stay with 'em."
Gonzo conducts Rowlf at the piano and a Whatnot violinist playing "Liebesträume", whilst he duels Buster the crab. Impressed by his own feat, Gonzo shouts for someone to get the Guinness Book of Records on the phone. The violinist eventually joins, but Rowlf finally stops the battle, citing that it's too violent for a family show.
SB Goldfinger
Shirley Bassey sings "Goldfinger" in a bank vault, sprawled across the loaned bars of gold. As she sings, Link Hogthrob (playing Goldfinger, his finger dipped in gold) and his squad of pig thieves enter the vault and steal every bar without her noticing. Bruno enters the stage, finds Shirley alone without the gold, and arrests her.
Cuffed to Shirley, Bruno apologizes to Kermit for accusing him of stealing the gold. When the finger is pointed at her, Shirley blames Kermit for staging the whole thing.


  • Nickelodeon: Gonzo's act was cut.



Kermit the Frog, Scooter, Bruno, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Beaker, Pops, Fozzie Bear, Dr. Teeth, Floyd Pepper, Animal, Janice, Zoot, Lips, Whatnots, The Newsman, Statler and Waldorf, Gonzo, Buster, The Dancing Sacks, Cute and Cannon, Rowlf, Link Hogthrob, Pigs, Trumpet Girl, Rat, Crocodile

Background Muppets:

Timmy Monster, T.R. the Rooster, Lew Zealand, Cow, Sheep, Chickens, Gaffer, Brown Dog, Chick, Nigel


Jim Henson as Kermit the Frog, Dr. Teeth, the Newsman and Waldorf
Frank Oz as Fozzie Bear and Animal
Jerry Nelson as Bruno, Floyd Pepper, Violinist and Pops
Richard Hunt as Scooter, Beaker, Janice, Statler, Cow
Dave Goelz as Gonzo, Zoot, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Sheep,  and Doctor
Steve Whitmire as Lips and Dancing Sack
Kathy Mullen as Gaffer
Louise Gold as Dancing Sack
Betsy Baytos as Timmy Monster and Pig

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