Episode 503: Joan Baez/transcript

Cold Open

	Pops snoozes. He wakes up when he hears the door open. Joan walks in with a guitar.
Pops	Oh — who are you?
Joan	Uh … Joan Baez.
Pops	(looks in his guestbook) Oh yeah. The famous folk singer! Well, that's a change.
Joan	Oh?
Pops	Yeah, we've had singin' rats, flowers, penguins, horses, pigs. 'Bout time they had some folks! (laughs)
Joan	Well, at least you're unbiased around here.
Pops	Yeah! Until you came, we were un-Baez'ed!
	A gaggle of Muppet animals pop up and laugh along with Pops.
Joan	(to the viewer, in a British accent) Stay with us, folks. The show can't get much worse than this. (chuckles)

Theme

Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Joan Baez! Yaaayyy!
	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
	When Gonzo blows his trumpet, he becomes surrounded by rats.
Gonzo	Aw, rats.

Opening number

	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Thank you, thank you, hi there and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And it's going to be a terrific show tonight, because our special guest is that sensational recording star and folk singer, miss Joan Baez! (audience oohs) Yes! But first, here is a talented group of folk singers … well actually, they aren't that talented, and come to think of it, they aren't even folks. But anyway, here they are, ladies and gentlemen! Yaaaaay!
	The curtain opens on a forest clearing, with an industrial factory in the far background.
Gopher	Let us put man and gopher together To see which one is smarter. Some say man, but I say no, 'Cause gopher beats the man when place in show.
Gophers	Ain't me! It's the people that say, Man's the one that we gotta obey. But I say, It's the gophers today, Smarter than the man in every way! That's right! The gophers are, smarter! That's right! The gophers are, smarter! That's right! The gophers are, smarter! Smarter than the man in every way!
Raccoon	Little rat, he sat down and he cried. A raccoon passed and asked him why.
Rizzo	'Cause the sky's supposed to be clean and blue.
Raccoon	Raccoon sat down and he cried too.
Raccoon & rats	Ain't me! It's the people that say, Man's the one that we gotta obey. But I say, It's the rats today, Smarter than the man in every way!
	They are joined by gophers, weasels, skunks and others.
Critters	That's right! The rats are, smarter! That's right! The rats are, smarter! That's right! The rats are, smarter! Smarter than the man in every way!
	A weasel plays bottle percussion. He sniffs one of them, and soon drinks from it.
Critters	Ain't me! It's the people that say, Man's the one that we gotta obey. But I say, It's the critters today, Smarter than the man in every way! That's right!
Raccoons	Raccoons are…
Critters	… smarter! That's right!
Fox	The foxes are…
Critters	… smarter! That's right!
Weasels	The weasels are…
Critters	… smarter! Smarter than the man in every way!
Deer	A deer…
Bear	… and a bear are …
Critters	… smarter!
Muskrat	Muskrats…
Skunk	… and skunks are …
Critters	… smarter!
Beaver	The beaver…
Snakes	… and the snakes are …
Critters	… smarter! Smarter than the man in every way!
	The lead gopher uses TNT to blow up the factory.
Critters	Smarter than the man, in every way!
	The critters cheer.
Statler	How can they say they're smarter than we are?
Waldorf	Did they pay money to hear us sing?
Statler	(singing) But I say, it's the critters today!
Statler & Waldorf	(singing) Smarter than the man in every way! (they chuckle)

Backstage

	The critters walk past Kermit.
Kermit	Okay, good number, guys. But did you have to blow up the factory?
Skunk	Are you kidding? Did you smell the pollution? (walks away)
Kermit	The skunks are complaining about air pollution?
	Rats begin gathering around Kermit. One has a serape and sombrero.
Rat (JN)	¡Arriba, arriba! Hee hee hee!
Kermit	Will you get out of here, rat?
Rat (JN)	Uh-uh, not until you let me do my famous Mexican rat-dance! (the rats laugh)
Kermit	Uh, Beauregard! Beauregard!
Rats	(mocking Kermit) "Beauregard!"
	Beauregard gets up from under the table and yawns.
Beauregard	You called?
Kermit	Beauregard, what were you doing down there?
Beauregard	I was having four winks. (the rats laugh)
Kermit	You mean forty winks.
Beauregard	I don't know! I was asleep! (the rats laugh)
Beauregard	Kermit, Kermit, I had a dream and it was so real! What does it mean when you dream people are walking on your head?
Kermit	It means you're sleeping on the floor. (the rats laugh some more) Rats!!
Rats	(mocking Kermit) "Rats! Rats!" Nyeah nyeah!
Kermit	Listen, Beau, I gotta introduce Joan Baez. Uh, would you just take care of these rats? (goes to the stage)
Rats	Ohhh.
Beauregard	Well, okay, rats, I'm supposed to take care of you. (they tremble) Now, what would you like?
Rizzo	Food.
Rat (RH)	And bicarbonate of soda.
Rat (JN)	And more food!
Rats	More food! Yeah!
Beauregard	Yeah!

"Honest Lullaby"

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Okay! And now, here she is, a living legend, and a real nice lady as well — ladies and gentlemen, Joan Baez.
	Joan sings "Honest Lullaby" to Gabriel in his room decorated with Superman: The Movie and Grease posters. In the song, she compares her upbringing with that of her son's, and references some things that he likes, such as teddy bears, alligators and Enterprise communicators.
Statler	I think honesty's always the best policy.
Waldorf	You believe that?
Statler	No, I was lying.
	They chuckle.

Backstage

	The canteen. The rats try to open the fridge.
Rizzo	Okay, pull! Harder! Come on!
Rat (RH)	Ehh, forget it, guys. We'll never get this refrigerator open.
	The rats groan. Rizzo overhears whistling.
Rizzo	Hey, can it, guys! Here comes Einstein!
	Beauregard enters. The rats gather around him, cheering.
Beauregard	Oh, thank you! Thank you! I hope you rats are making yourselves at home in my little storing room.
Rat (JH)	Oh, sure, you're a real friend to the rats.
Beauregard	I am?
Rat (RH)	Oh, yeah, in fact, uh — you're one of us.
Beauregard	I'm a rat?
Rizzo	Oh, even better than that — we've elected you president!
Beauregard	Me? President?
	The rats cheer.
Rizzo	And your first duty as president is to declare this refrigerator officially open.
Rat (RH)	Right!
Beauregard	Okay! I declare this refrigerator is open!
	He opens the fridge. The rats cheer, then start raiding the fridge.
Beauregard	Boy, this president job is fun.
	The rats walk off with bundles of cheese, cheering.

Dressing Room

Kermit	Hey, Joan, besides the songs we have planned for you, is there anything else you'd like to do on the show tonight?
Joan	I do imitations.
Kermit	Really? Who do you do?
Joan	Oh, I do a pretty good Marlon Brando as The Godfather.
Kermit	You're kidding.
Joan	No, I'm not kidding. Wanna see it?
Kermit	Oh, please.
Joan	It takes a moment's preparation.
Kermit	Okay.
	Piggy enters.
Miss Piggy	Oh Joan? Joan? Joan, I ha— excuse me, Kermit — Joan, I had to come in and tell you, how much I admire your work, not only as a singer, but as a woman.
Joan	(as Brando) Miss Piggy … I'm prepared to make you an offer that you can't refuse. (touches Piggy's shoulders) You know, all I require is a little respect from time to time, if you know what I mean.
Miss Piggy	(looks around) Must have the wrong dressing room. (exits)
Kermit	Wow. You know, I've never seen anybody handle Miss Piggy like that. Uh, would you consider a lifetime contract?
Joan	(as Brando) If it's a contract you're looking for, Kermit … (touches his shoulders) … you've come to the right place.

Pigs in Space

Announcer	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE!
	Open on Link, messing with the controls.
Announcer	When we last saw the spaceship Swinetrek, Dr. Strangepork was just outside the door, waiting for his cue.
Link Hogthrob	Cue!
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Oh! Link! Link! Emergency! Emergency! I've just found out there's a rat aboard!
Link Hogthrob	(cowers) A rat?!? A rat?!? (gathers himself) A rat? Well, better not tell First Mate Piggy.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Well, with any luck she'll never know. I set a trap in the refrigerator, and —
	A scream from Piggy is heard.
Dr. Strangepork & Link	Uh-oh.
	The door opens. Piggy enters, with a mousetrap stuck to her snout.
Miss Piggy	(muffled) All right, who's the wise guy? Who's the wise guy?
Dr. Strangepork & Link	(snickering)
Link Hogthrob	Dr. Strangepork, you said it was a rat trap — it looks more like a fat trap!
	They burst out laughing.
Miss Piggy	(muffled) Cool it!
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Uh-oh.
	He gets out of the way as she takes the mousetrap off her snout. Link sits down and finds Rizzo on the chair. Link and Piggy react in fear.
Link Hogthrob	Oh! Oh! A rat! A rat! A rat! A rat! Rat! Rat! … Rat? Rat? You can't stay here, rat.
Rizzo	(wearing a Swinetrek costume) But — but I wanna join your crew.
Link Hogthrob	Join our crew? Why … why, you could never join our crew!
Rizzo	Why not?
Link Hogthrob	Well, you'd have to pass an intelligence test.
Rizzo	(to Piggy) Did he pass it?
Miss Piggy	Yes. (looks at Link) — Oh, I see what you mean.
Link Hogthrob	Well … (grabs Rizzo) Listen, rat, you could never be in the crew of Pigs in Space!
Rizzo	Why not?
Link Hogthrob	Well … you're, you're too short.
Miss Piggy	Why didn't you just say he wasn't a pig?
Link Hogthrob	Well, I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
Miss Piggy	Oh.
Rizzo	Hey, wait a minute, you guys. I can do anything that a pig can do.
Link & Piggy	Oh yeah?
Rizzo	Sure. I can say oink-oink. I can wallow in the mud.
Miss Piggy	What?
Rizzo	I can eat garbage —
Miss Piggy	Hold it, hold it!
Rizzo	What?
Miss Piggy	You just blew it, shorty. (kicks Rizzo)
Link Hogthrob	Oh! Bravo, First Mate Piggy!
Rizzo	Help!! (more rats pop up) Get 'em, guys! (the rats attack Link and Piggy)
Link Hogthrob	Oh! Rats! Ohh … ohh …
	The closing music plays. Blackout.

UK Spot

	Floyd sings The Beatles' "Blackbird" with Janice accompanying, and a blackbird sitting on a tree in the background.

Backstage

	Joan plays the guitar and sings, with Beauregard (on harmonica), Gabriel, and the woodland animals.
Joan	Virgil Caine is my name, and I drove on the Danville train. 'Till Stonewall's cavalry came and tore up the tracks again. In the winter of '65, we were hungry, just barely alive. I took a train when Richmond had fell, it was a time I remember oh so well.
Joan & cast	The night they drove old Dixie down, And all the bells were ringing. The night they drove old Dixie down, And all the people were singin', they went, Na, na-na na-na na, Na-na, na-na, na-na na-na na.
Rizzo	For crying out loud, will you knock it off? Cut the noise! Come on, guys!
	The rats enter the room.
Rizzo	Joan! Joan, we got an important question for ya.
Rat (JN)	Yeah.
Joan	I take it you don't like singing?
Rat (JN)	Singing, shminging! This is important! You wanna be an honorary rat?
Joan	Do I have a choice?
	Beau and the rats chuckle.
Rat (RH)	It'll come in handy to be a rat when we take over …
Rats	Yeah! Right on! Heh heh heh heh …
Joan	I hope you guys aren't planning anything violent.
	The rats chuckle.
Rat (JN)	Today The Muppet Show, tomorrow the world!
Rats	The world! Yeah!
Joan	You know, I think you guys could probably learn a lot from the teachings of Mahatma Gandhi.
Rats	Who? (Mahatma-wha?)
Joan	Gandhi. He wrote a whole book on non-violence. I had it around here … it was — (a baby has it) Oh. Yeah. Can I have that —
Baby	NO!!
Rizzo	Hit her!
Baby	NO!! NO!!
	The rats cheer as she takes the book from the toddler, who throws a fit. Joan shrugs.
Joan	(Indian accent) Well. That's what happens when you take Gandhi from a baby.
	They all laugh.

Fozzie's comedy act

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Okay! And now it's comedy time with our own Fozzie Bear! Tonight, the bear has decided it might help his monologue if he did it on his own home turf. So here he is, out in the backwoods, ladies and gentlemen, Fozzie Bear!!
	The curtain opens on a woodland setting with animals in the background.
Fozzie	Hiya, hiya, hiya! This is Fozzie Bear, out in the open air, with funny jokes to spare! So laugh, don't stare! (wiggles his ears) Ahahaha! (looks up when he hears a cuckoo sound) Uh, but seriously, I love working in the woods. Yeah, that's because I know all the trees. See, there's the cedars, and uh, those are the pines — oh, and these are the funny trees. The funny trees, you ask? Yes! These are the oaks, folks! (wiggles his ears) Hah! Oaks, see — it's whe —
Fozzie	Oh! Here's my friend the weasel. Yeah, he's the one who tells me when it's time to quit work. You know why? He's the five o'clock weasel! Ha ha! You see, it's, "whistle", we - hah … these are the oaks, folks! Ha ha ha … (wiggles his ears) Okay, but I feel right at home in the woods here. Yeah, I was — I was born a stone's throw away from here. Yeah, in fact, my mother still lives here.
	A stone is thrown at him, and he ducks.
Fozzie	Thanks a lot, Mom! I get the hint! But I'll quit when it's time.
	The weasel taps him on the shoulder.
Fozzie	What do you want, weasel?
	The weasel whistles, signaling the end of Fozzie's act.

Backstage / closing number

	Fozzie follows the weasel backstage.
Fozzie	You dumb weasel. It wasn't even five o'clock!
Kermit	Oh, Beauregard!
Beauregard	Yes?
Kermit	Did you take care of those rats?
Beauregard	Yup. I just brought their chicken dinners in.
Kermit	(flustered) Beauregard, I want them out of this theater!
Beauregard	But I can't do that! They're my people!
Kermit	I don't care whose people they are!
Beauregard	They made me president!
Kermit	Beauregard, they make me angry!
Beauregard	Let my people stay!
Kermit	Beauregard, they are rats! They are rats, Beauregard! Now listen, you're going to have to choose. Either they go …
Beauregard	But they're my friends!
Kermit	… or you're going to go with them!
Beauregard	(gasp) … Goodbye.
	He sniffles as he walks away.
Fozzie	Poor Beau.
Kermit	It was a command decision. The buck stops here!
Fozzie	You're right. You gotta be tough!
Kermit	(nervous) Was I too tough on him?
Fozzie	(puts his arm around Kermit) I don't know.
	In Beau's storage room, Piggy is about to open the fridge, when Beau comes in, crying.
Miss Piggy	Aah! Oh … Beau, I thought you were a rat.
Beauregard	(starts packing a suitcase) I'm not just any rat. I'm their president.
Miss Piggy	Beau … that's my photo.
Beauregard	I know. I'm taking it with me … when I leave… (begins sobbing on Piggy's shoulder)
Miss Piggy	Beau? Beau?
Beauregard	Oh, the only friends I have are you and the rats!
Miss Piggy	(to viewer) Terrific.
	Beau blows his nose.
Miss Piggy	Beau, Beau, dear, look at me. Beau?
Beauregard	What?
Miss Piggy	The rats are not your friends.
Beauregard	Not my friends?
Miss Piggy	No, Beau, Beau, they made you president so they could get food.
Beauregard	What?
Miss Piggy	Yes.
Beauregard	Wait'll I see those lousy rats!
Miss Piggy	That's it, Beau! Where are they?
Beauregard	Where else?
	He opens the fridge, which is full of rats eating cheese.
Beauregard	All right, everybody out!
Miss Piggy	That's right, this is — this is not a restaurant! It is a theater!
Beauregard	Theater!
Miss Piggy	Yes, we entertain here! We spread happiness!
Beauregard	Happiness!
Rizzo	Well, after you entertain and spread happiness, do you get to eat?
Beauregard	Well, I guess so.
Rizzo	You got it! Come on, guys!
Miss Piggy	Where are they going, Beau?
Beauregard	I don't know. I quit my job as president.
	Meanwhile, Fozzie looks over the schedule with Kermit and Scooter.
Fozzie	Ah — final number!
Kermit	Uh, right. (through the intercom) Uh, final number! Everybody on stage for the final number please!
	The rats approach Kermit.
Rizzo	Mr. Kermit!
Kermit	Hm?
Rizzo	Oh, please, Mr. Kermit! We're sorry we haven't done our share of entertaining and spreading happiness.
Rats	Yeah.
Rat (RH)	Yeah. Please let us join your family of artistes.
Rats	Artistes! Yeah!
Rat (JN)	Yeah, please, oh, we could spread happiness to beat the band!
Rat (RH)	Yeah, beat the band.
Kermit	Well …
Rats	(begging) Oh please! Please! Please! Come on!
	Joan comes out of her dressing room.
Joan	Kermit? What's all the excitement?
Kermit	Uh, well, the, the rats here want to join our happy little family, y'see.
Rats	(random) Yeah! Please, Joan?
Joan	Well, you've got cows, pigs, you've got chickens. Why not rats?
Kermit	Well — okay, guys, you're in.
	The rats cheer.
Joan	There's a tie that binds all creatures, That is like a silver strand. And it crosses every ocean, And it reaches every land.
	Kermit and the rats join in.
Joan, Kermit, Rats	Will the circle be unbroken, By and by, Lord, by and by. There's a better life awaiting, If we try, Lord, if we try.
	The scene shifts to a celestial setting, with the cast joining arms in circles around Joan.
Joan	And the circle will be endless As we travel hand in hand. We'll become one family circle, In a peaceful promised land.
Joan & cast	Will the circle be unbroken, By and by, Lord, by and by. There's a better life awaiting, If we try, Lord, if we try. Will the circle be unbroken, By and by, Lord, by and by. There's a better life awaiting, If we try, Lord, if we try. If we try, Lord, if we try.
	Applause.

Goodnights

	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Okay, as this show sinks slowly into the west, we come to the end of another one. But before we go, let us say thank you to a wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Joan Baez! Yaaaay! Yeah.
Joan	Thank you, Kermit. Kermit, you know, if I were you, I'd keep a very close watch on those rats.
Kermit	Oh, well actually, those rats, they're nice guys.
Joan	Maybe, but not so long ago, they were really planning on taking over.
Kermit	Oh, the rats could never take over.
	The rats ambush Kermit and carry him away.
Kermit	Uh, rats?!? Where're you going?
	Rizzo appears with a green collar on his neck. A rat dressed as Piggy also appears.
Rizzo	That's all for now! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
	As the credits roll, Beau, Piggy and Kermit try to shoo the rats offstage.
	In the balcony, two rats replace Statler and Waldorf. They speak gibberish and chuckle.
	THE END