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Episode 502: Loretta Swit/transcript

< Episode 502: Loretta Swit

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Cold Open

Pops reads the paper. Loretta enters with a trunk.
Pops Who are you?
Loretta I'm Loretta Swit.
TMS502-01
Pops Loretta Swit, our guest star!
Loretta Yes.
Pops Internationally acclaimed actress!
Loretta (blushes) Oh, well … yes.
Pops Star of M*A*S*H! Aw, brilliant comedienne!
Loretta (chuckles) You're very sweet.
Pops (hands her a key) Dressing room #3. Sweep the floor when you're through, and try not to dirty the towel.
Loretta (to the viewer) I'm beginning to wonder about this show. When my contract arrived, it was written in crayon.

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Loretta Swit! Yaaayyy!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
LipsTrumpet Opening
TMS502-03
Gonzo blows the trumpet and his head explodes, clean from his body. It appears again on the side and lets out a hearty laugh.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Hi there, and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And it's gonna be a wonderful show, because tonight's guest is the lovely star of the M*A*S*H TV series, a brilliant comedienne, a great movie actress, miss Loretta Swit! (audience oohs) Yes! But while we're waiting to meet our invited guest, let's look in on some other guests who weren't invited.
Just chickens TMS502-02
Animals wearing bowler hats sing "Ain't Nobody Here But Us Chickens" in a barn, holding two chickens captive and blindfolded. When the farmer (played by Gonzo) gets wind of the situation, he sends in a team of chickens with guns to clear the place out.
Gonzo Get 'em, girls! Save the hens! Save the hens!
Applause.
Waldorf What'd you think of that?
Statler I liked it.
Waldorf Oh! You … (bangs his head on the railing) … you liked that?!?
Statler No, I just wanted to see what you'd do if I said I did. (laughs)
Waldorf Awww …

Backstage

Kermit Okay, nice opening number. Chickens, check your guns.
Gonzo (runs after the chickens) Oh, can I help?! Hahahaha!
Miss Piggy Kermie! Kermie!
Kermit Hm?
Miss Piggy I have a surprise for you.
Kermit Yeah? What's that?
Photographer Hold it.
TMS502-04
Piggy poses for a picture with Kermit. *Click!*
Photographer Thanks.
Miss Piggy Thank you! Haha!
Kermit Uh, what was that all about?
Miss Piggy Um, uh, nothing. Bye! Hahaha! (trots off)
Kermit How can I run a show with people pulling dumb stunts like that all the time?
Scooter Congratulations, chief.
Kermit On what?
Scooter Well, that photographer said you were gonna be on the big cover story of that big gossip paper, Tongue Magazine!
Kermit (gasp)
Scooter Yeah, they found out that you and Miss Piggy were secretly married last year in Vegas. (runs off)
Kermit Huh?!? Piggy! Piggy?!?
Miss Piggy Y'y'yes, mon cherie?
Kermit Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?
Miss Piggy (stammering) Uh — what would make you think a thing like that?
Kermit The photographer who was just here! He was from Tongue Magazine!
Miss Piggy (sheepish) Oh. Uh huh. Well, it was just a little, teeny tiny item.
Kermit It was a cover story about us being secretly married!!
Miss Piggy Well — it was a slight exaggeration …
Kermit (outraged) That's a BOLD-FACED LIE, Piggy!!
Miss Piggy Well - you know, you and me are close …
Kermit I will not stand around while you do dumb things like that, Piggy!!
Miss Piggy … that is not dumb…
Kermit (cont'd) You have done that to me TOO MANY TIMES, Piggy!! I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!! I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!!
Miss Piggy Wuh — what are you gonna do?
Kermit I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO, PIGGY, I'M GOING TO FIRE YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED!! FIRED!! (hyperventilates)
Miss Piggy You're kidding.
Kermit I am not kidding!
Miss Piggy But — I'm in the next number!
Kermit I will cancel — (into the intercom) cancel the next number! Put on the Snorers Chorus instead! Snorers! Snorers Chorus! Get the Snorers Chorus on stage! Get out there! You guys, get out there!
Beauregard and Beaker carry a bed full of sleepers onto the stage. Musical snoring is soon heard.
Miss Piggy Well hold it, wait! Wait a minute! Wait, that's my — that's my number!
Kermit What?
Miss Piggy You can't fire me. I'm the star!
Kermit You can be replaced, Piggy!
Miss Piggy Oh! Oh? Oh, I see! Just try! Try! Try, frog!
Kermit I will! I will! I will replace you.
Miss Piggy Ha! ... Ha!
Scooter Boss, the Snorers are gonna put the audience to sleep!
Kermit (stammers) Well, so uh …
Miss Piggy See? See?
Kermit I'll, I'll introduce Loretta. (shoves Scooter) Get out there! Eighty-six the Snorers!
Scooter Okay, chief.
Kermit Snorers, get off the stage! (looks behind him) Yeesh!
Beaker and Beauregard carry the bed back.
Miss Piggy He must be kidding. How can he fire me?
Snorer Don't ask me. I was asleep.

"I Feel the Earth Move"

Main stage. Kermit enters, scowling.
Kermit And now, ladies and ge — (changes his tone) — and now, ladies and gentlemen, here in a salute to the San Andreas fault, miss Loretta Swit! Yaaaay!
502 thog TMS502-05
Loretta plays a seismologist singing "I Feel the Earth Move" as Thog destroys a small city. When the number ends, Gonzo greets her as she walks through the wings.
Gonzo Oh, that was terrific, Loretta!
Loretta Thank you, Gonzo. You're sweet.
Gonzo Oh, I haven't laughed so much since I saw Earthquake!
Loretta … Sweet, but sick.

Backstage

Kermit and Piggy argue.
Kermit I said I hate long goodbyes!
Miss Piggy So what?
Kermit SO LONG!
Miss Piggy Oh! Ha! Ha! Oh yeah?
Loretta Well, the earthquake number went fine.
Kermit (to Loretta) Oh, good.
Miss Piggy (to Kermit) I tell you, I do not need this show! I have a whole world waiting out there for moi!
Kermit Well, don't keep 'em waiting!
Miss Piggy Oh! I have musical comedy offers, press conferences, film offers …
Kermit The last film you were ever offered was Lardo Sings the Blues!!
Loretta (tries to break up their bickering) Oh, oh, no, no — kids! Kids! No no no no no, let's discuss this like grownups!
Kermit Uh, well, you don't discuss it like grownups when you're talking to a PIG!! YOU DON'T DISCUSS IT LIKE GROWNUPS!! NOT YOU, BOY, NOT YOU!!
Miss Piggy (speaking over Kermit) Grownups?! I can't listen — talking to a FROG! Croak! Croak! Croak goes a frog!
Loretta QUIET!!!
TMS502-06
Loretta Kermit, you can't just pick her up and throw her out in the snow.
Miss Piggy (smug nod) Hmm!
Kermit Not without a forklift I can't!
Loretta holds Piggy close.
Miss Piggy Very funny, wart-boy!
Kermit & Piggy (sneering at each other) Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?
Loretta Now listen to me! Who do you think you could get to play those scenes with the same verve and, and talent, and pizazz?
Miss Piggy Talent! Pizazz!
Kermit Well, in Vet's Hospital, I was hoping you would.
Loretta gasps, drops Piggy and grabs Kermit excitedly.
Loretta I'd love to!
Kermit (spitefully) Well, good!
Loretta Oh, do you think the costume would fit me?
Kermit Sure! Oh of course! Yes! (leads Loretta away) Anybody can play this part!
Stranger (walks up to Piggy) Excuse me, do you work here?
Miss Piggy (karate chop) Hi-YAH! (grumbles)

Veterinarian's Hospital

Announcer Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf Say, isn't someone missing?
Janice Okay. Isn't someone missing?
Rowlf Ooh! (laughs out loud)
TMS502-07
Loretta Hello! I'm nurse Loretta, and I'm here to fill in for nurse Piggy.
Rowlf Well, uhh, if you're here to fill in for nurse Piggy, you'd better fill out! (chuckles)
Janice Ohh hoho, rully.
Loretta Is that some kind of a fat joke?
Rowlf Uh, yes, unfortunately, it's not the funny kind. (chuckles)
Janice Fer sure.
Loretta Well, shall we get started?
Rowlf Not yet. I'm not sure you're qualified for what we do here at Veterinarian's Hospital.
Loretta Oh …
Janice Well, she might be. I think I've seen her face somewhere else.
Loretta Oh, that couldn't be. My face has always been right where it is.
Rowlf & Janice (groan)
Rowlf You've just qualified! (Loretta chuckles) Have you got the instruments?
Loretta Yes, doctor. Scalpel, sutures …
Rowlf Have you got clamps?
Loretta Uh, no. My stomach's a little upset, but I don't have any clamps.
Rowlf & Janice (groan)
Janice Rully!
Rowlf I think you're over-qualified. (chuckles)
Janice Say! I just remembered where I saw your face! It was on a show called M*A*S*H!
Loretta That's right.
Janice Dumb name for a show, M*A*S*H.
Rowlf Oh, I don't know. My uncle, a sled dog, was on a show called M*U*S*H. (chuckles)
Janice (groan)
Loretta Did it have a long run?
Rowlf Yes, thanks to the eskimo with the whip! (chuckles)
Janice Oh, rully.
They all look up as they hear the announcer.
Announcer And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Bob say …
Rowlf Wait a minute! We haven't had a patient yet!
Loretta That's nothing. You haven't had a laugh yet, either.
Rowlf & Janice (groan, laughing)

UK Spot

Backstage, Rowlf has gathered Fozzie, Gonzo, Floyd, Scooter and some of the Muppet gang, who warm up their voices.
Rowlf Okay. Okay, everybody. Ready? Scooter.
Scooter Sorry.
Rowlf Yes, okay, now let's rehearse it one more time before Miss Piggy comes out.
Gonzo Good. Yes.
Rowlf Okay, good. Ready? Here we go. (leads them)
TMS-502-AuldLangSyne
Muppets

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And days of auld lang syne.

Rowlf Nice. That was very pretty.
Fozzie Yeah. Piggy will really like that.
Gonzo Yeah. But in Piggy's case, shouldn't it be, (sings) And days of auld lang swine?
They all chortle.
Scooter Joker!
Rowlf Now, now be serious, guys. Because Piggy's been with us for a long time, and when she goes, well, it'll be very sad.
Fozzie Yeah.
Gonzo True.
Scooter That's true
Floyd On the other hand, when she goes, she takes her dog with her!
Fozzie Foo-foo! Yeah. We'll be rid of Foo-foo!
They all nod in excitement.
Rowlf That's right, that's right, it is "so long" to the hog's dog! (chuckles)
They all cheer.
Floyd Dog, ha ha ha! That dog is man's best fiend!
They all laugh.
Scooter Yeah, hey, Rowlf, the guys and I know another song for Piggy.
Rowlf What's that?
Scooter For she's a jolly good porker,
Scooter & Muppets

For she's a jolly good porker,
For she's a jolly good porker …

Piggy comes out of her dressing room and sees them singing.
TMS502-08
Muppets

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And days of auld lang syne.

Miss Piggy (close to tears) How terribly sweet of … of you all! I … I don't know what to … oh! (runs back into her dressing room)
Muppets … which nobody can deny!
They all cheer and laugh.
Gonzo ¡Arriba!

"Some of These Days"

In her dressing room, Piggy sings, close to tears, as Foo-foo watches.
Sotd
Miss Piggy

Some of these days,
You'll miss me, Kermie.
Some of these days,
You'll feel so lonely.

TMS502-09
Miss Piggy

You'll miss my hugging.
You'll miss my kisses.
You'll miss me, honey,
When I'm away.

She looks at Kermit's picture and packs it into a suitcase, along with other possessions. She gets into the song as the tempo picks up.
Miss Piggy

You'll feel so lonely.
Just for me, only.
For you know, Kermie …
Ha, you've had your way!
And when I leave you,
You know, it'll grieve you.
You know you're gonna miss Miss Piggy,
Ha! Some of these days. Oh yeah! Ha!
You're gonna miss Miss Piggy, ha!
Some of these daaaaaaaays!

She exits the dressing room as the song concludes, leaving Foo-foo behind. Applause. She re-enters.
Miss Piggy One more time!
The music resumes as a spotlight shines on her. She gives a show-stopping reprise.
Miss Piggy

And when I leaaaaave you, HA HA!
You know, its gonna grieeeeeeve you!
You know you're gonna miss, miss, miss Miss Piggy,
Some of these daaaaaaaays! Ha!

Applause.

Backstage

Kermit sits at his desk. He looks up and glances at Piggy leaving with her suitcase.
Miss Piggy Goodbye, dressing rooms. (walks down the stairs, grunting) Goodbye, walls. … Goodbye, crummy stairs. (sets her suitcase down) Uh, Foo-foo! Come to mommykins! Foo-foo! Ahem. Kermit? Oh, Foo-foo? Wait for the bus.
Foo-foo Woof! (walks away)
Miss Piggy Kermit. Ahem. We are departing.
Kermit Good.
Miss Piggy We just have time to discuss, once more, you and I, as adult mature people, why I resigned.
Kermit You did not resign. You were dismissed. You were given the boot, discharged, sacked, you were fired!
Miss Piggy (a beat) There are many reasons why I resigned.
Kermit Aargh.
Miss Piggy Sometimes, sometimes things just don't work out between people. Even though those … people might … care deeply about you.
Kermit Oh, Piggy.
Miss Piggy Kermie? (gets close to him) Oh, Kermie. How quickly your anger is gone.
Kermit Well. Maybe.
Miss Piggy You've forgotten all about that silly old gossip column item, hmm?
Kermit It was a cover story, Piggy! It was a cover story that said that we were secretly married!
Scooter passes by.
Kermit Scooter! Scooter, would you go up and ask Loretta if she would take Piggy's part in Pigs in Space?
Loretta, way ahead of Kermit, emerges in a Swinetrek outfit.
Loretta I'd love to!
TMS502-10
Piggy gasps. Kermit giggles.
Miss Piggy I'll get even for this! I am leaving!
Kermit Good!
Loretta and Kermit get affectionate when she comes downstairs. Piggy watches in disgust.
Loretta Oh, Kermit! I'm so happy to be working avec vous!
Kermit Ohh, avec moi? (chuckles)
Loretta I'm so happy you asked me to be in Pigs in Space, you little froggy-woggy!
Kermit Oh, yeah, heh …
Loretta Oh, well, I'm all ready! Wish me luck! Kissy-kissy, Kermie!
Kermit Oh, yeah, heh …
They both head for the stage.
Miss Piggy I'll get even for this! I'm staying!

Pigs in Space

Vehicle.Swinetrek
Announcer And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! As you may recall, our last episode had nothing to do with the previous episode. Or this one either.
Link emerges, covered in ladies' undergarments. Strangepork chuckles.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Why, Linky-poo, how defined you look. Hee-hee-hee-hee!
Link Hogthrob Don't be disrespectful, Strangepork. These are not mine. I was attacked by them. (struggles to remove them)
Dr. Julius Strangepork Well, if they're not yours, whose could they be?
Link Hogthrob (on the intercom) First Mate Piggy, report to the bridge on the double!
The door opens, revealing Loretta in costume with a false snout.
Firstmateswitt
Loretta Yes … yes, Captain Hogthrob? What is the matter?
Link Hogthrob Uh … uh, can we try that again without the nose?
Loretta (takes it off) You mean the snout's out?
Link Hogthrob (nods) Much better. Now listen, First Mate Piggy.
Loretta Yes?
Link Hogthrob You must stop hanging your things to drip dry in the shower!
Loretta Really? (Link nods) And whose is this?
She holds up a girdle. Link gasps.
Link Hogthrob Where did you get that?
Loretta Right where you left it.
Link Hogthrob Ah — that's a lie! I never saw it before in my life!
Loretta Then why did your mom sew your name tag in it?
Link Hogthrob Oh! Oh! (grabs it)
Dr. Julius Strangepork It is your name, Linky.
Link Hogthrob Well! I'm the captain. I have to look my best.
Miss Piggy All right, Swit! I'm back and I'm taking over!
Loretta (hugs Piggy) Oh, I'm so glad you're back! How we missed you. I mean, well, no, this was really a lot of fun, but oh, you belong here.
Miss Piggy Really?
Loretta Oh, yes! Pigs in Space is nothing without you. (they hug again)
Miss Piggy Oh, Loret. Ohhh…
Loretta I'm so glad that Kermit rehired you.
Kermit Oh, wait a second! I did not rehire her! Pig, get off this stage!
Miss Piggy I will not!
Link Hogthrob Oh, this is terrible! We've been invaded by a little green monster!
Dr. Julius Strangepork Worse than that - we've got two First Mate Piggies!
Kermit Listen! Listen, you either get off this stage or I throw you off!
Miss Piggy Yeah? You and whose army?
Kermit I don't need an army to throw you off this stage, Pig! No I don't!
Miss Piggy (dodging Kermit behind Loretta) Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Oh yeah?
Loretta Hold it, hold it, hold it, everybody, hold it!
Kermit What?
Loretta Oh, now, Kermit, you know how important Miss Piggy is to the show.
Kermit Well …
Loretta And Miss Piggy, Miss Piggy, you know you wouldn't be happy anywhere else.
Miss Piggy (pause) Well …
Loretta (hugs them both) Oh, so, come on now, let's, let's sing a nice, warm … lovely together song. Huh?
Kermit I hate sappy songs like that.
Loretta All right then, why don't you two just kiss and make up? (a beat)
Kermit Well, let's sing the sappy song. (music begins)
Miss Piggy You don't make it easy, frog.
Loretta

Isn't it warm? Isn't it cozy?
Side by side …

Miss Piggy (grumpy) By side.
Loretta

Ports in a storm, comfy and cozy,
Side by side …

The tension between Kermit and Piggy slowly melts as they sing.
Kermit

… by side.
Everything shines.

Miss Piggy

How sweet.
Side by side…

Kermit …by side.
Side by side by side
Loretta & Piggy

Parallel lines, who meet.
Side by side…

Kermit

…by side.
Everyone winks. Nobody's nosy.

Kermit & Piggy Side by side…
Miss Piggy …by side.
Loretta You bring the drinks, and I'll bring the posy,
Kermit, Piggy & Loretta Side by side…
Kermit & Piggy …by side.
Loretta One's impossible.
Kermit Two is dreary.
Miss Piggy Three is company, bright and cheery.
Loretta Side…
Kermit …by side…
Miss Piggy …by side!
Loretta (hugs her) Welcome back, Miss Piggy!
Miss Piggy Thank you!
Loretta Oh, we've missed you so! Tell her how much we missed her, go on, Kermit, go ahead, please.
Miss Piggy Tell me.
Kermit Well … what would we do without you? Huh?
Loretta Oh ...!
The cast comes in.
Loretta & Muppets

What would we do without you?
How would we ever get through?

Floyd Who would I complain to for hours?
Gonzo

Who'd bring me the flowers
When I had the flu?

Loretta & Muppets

Who changes subjects on cue?
Who cheers us up when we're blue?

Loretta Who is so dear, and who is so deep?
Statler & Waldorf And who would keep us occupied when we want to sleep?
Loretta & Muppets

How would we ever get through?
What would we do without you?

Kermit Okay, everybody, one more time, just for Miss Piggy, huh? Here we go!
TMS502-11
Loretta & Muppets

Year after year, older and older,
Side by side, by side!

Loretta Sharing a tear, and lending a shoulder,
Loretta & Muppets Side by side, by side!
Loretta One is lonely…
Kermit … and two is boring!
Loretta & Muppets

Think what you can keep ignoring!
Side by side, by side, by side,
by side, by side, by side, by side, by … SIDE!

Applause. Piggy kisses Kermit, and he scowls.

Goodnights

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Okay, well, that's all the time we have, but before we go, let us say thank you to a wonderful guest star that we always have time for! She's beautiful, she's funny and she remains calm when everybody around her is going "AAAGH!" Ladies and gentlemen, miss Loretta Swit! Yaaaay!
Applause.
Loretta Thank you. Thank you, Kermit.
Kermit Aww.
Loretta You know, I hope nobody out there believes that I was really trying to take over for Miss Piggy.
Kermit Oh, oh, no, no, no.
Loretta Well, because, you know, when a great actress and a great star has developed a role, it's impossible for another actress to fill her shoes.
Piggy walks on stage, dressed as Houlihan from M*A*S*H. She laughs lightly at Loretta, then looks down.
Miss Piggy Funny. The shoes don't fit.
Loretta (chuckles)
Kermit Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The Muppets gather around Loretta as the credits roll.
Statler South Dakota!
Waldorf South Dakota has nothing to do with this show.
Statler That's what I want — nothing to do with this show.
They chuckle.
Atv zoot
THE END

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