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Episode 501: Gene Kelly/transcript

< Episode 501: Gene Kelly

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Cold Open

Pops brushes a wind-up toy bridge of false teeth.
Pops That's right! Up and down, not sideways.
Gene enters through the stage door.
Pops Who are you?
Gene Well, I'm Gene Kelly. Did Kermit leave a ticket for me? They didn't have it at the box office.
Pops Gene Kelly? You don't need a ticket. You're tonight's special guest star. (nods)
Gene Oh gee — there must be some mistake. I wasn't planning to do anything tonight. I thought Kermit invited me over just to watch the show.
Pops No, you're tonight's guest. You're supposed to sing and dance!
Gene (laughing) Oh, no, no way. If you invite a guest to dinner, do you expect them to cook?
Pops Is that an offer? We could use a good cook around here.
The Swedish Chef knocks him out with a pan, then offers it to Gene.
Gene No - I don't know who you are, but I love your cooking. (glances at the camera nervously)


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Gene Kelly! Yaaayyy!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
LipsTrumpet Opening
When Gonzo blows his trumpet, it rings and a voice comes out. He puts it to his ear.
Gonzo Hello? … He's not home.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you! Hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show, where we have one of the greatest singer/actor/director/dancer/movie stars of all time, the incomparable Gene Kelly! (audience oohs) Yes. But first, before Gene actually performs for us, we have a —
Gene (from off-stage) Kermit!
Kermit Just a second.
He walks over to the wings, where Gene is watching.
Kermit Uh, what's up, Gene?
Gene Kermit, you don't understand. I'm just here to watch the show.
Kermit Uh — you mean, no singing or acting or dancing or starring?
Gene Nope. I'm just going to be part of the audience.
Kermit Uh, well listen, uh, let me just introduce this number and then we'll talk about what you're going to do on the show, huh?
Gene Nope. I'm just going to sit here and have a great time.
Kermit stammers as he goes back to center stage.
Kermit Uhh, okay folks, uh, well, here all the way from Baffin Bay, the endangered species chorus line.
TMS501 snow
The curtain opens to an Arctic setting. Penguins, baby seals and a walrus sing "Jambalaya," while Catgut fishes and catches an alligator — or vice versa. Gene watches from the wings. When the number is over, he applauds as the animals walk past him.
Gene I loved it. I loved it. (to the viewer, as a penguin snatches his snack) I didn't understand it, but I loved it.


Kermit speaks through the intercom as Scooter reads his cards.
Kermit Okay, uh, next on stage, Prince Rudolph and his invisible cheeseburger.
501 prince rudolph
Prince Rudolph Excuse me, have you seen a cheeseburger waiting in the wings?
Kermit Uh, no.
Prince Rudolph Oh, good! He's on time for a change!
He walks to the stage with Kermit. Beauregard enters.
Scooter Hey, Beau!
Beauregard Yes?
Scooter You want me to tell you what you'll be doing in the future?
Beauregard I don't know what I'm doing now.
Scooter No problem. It says here in my fortune telling cards, that for you, the seven of lumps is in the ascendency with the beginning of the drowning refrigerator.
Beauregard What does that mean?
Scooter (faces the camera) It's the end of the world!
Beau ponders what that means.
Kermit You guys! The invisible cheeseburger has lost his voice! There's nothing left of him but the smell of onions.
Beauregard It's the end of the world!
Kermit Well, it's not that bad. (walks to Gene)

Dancing with Gene

Kermit Uh, everything okay so far, Gene?
Gene Oh, Kermit, you don't know what a pleasure it is coming to a show and not having to perform.
Kermit Uh, yeah. And you don't know how hard it is to do a show where the guest star doesn't perform on stage.
Gene Oh, relax, Kermit. It isn't the end of the world.
Kermit Don't be too sure. Uh, but if you don't go on, I'll have to. And I can't dance my way out of worm jello.
Gene No problem. I used to be a dance teacher.
Kermit What? Wait a minute — are you offering to give me a dance lesson?
Gene Of course. In a few minutes, I can have your toes tapping — or, in your case, your flippers flapping.
Kermit (chuckles) That's terrific. Hey, tell me, Gene — uh, tell me, where would you like to, uh, give me this dance lesson?
Gene Oh, I don't care. Anywhere at all.
Kermit Uh, well, how about, uh, how about right over here? (walks to the stage)
Gene (follows Kermit) Right. Now Kermit, the first thing you gotta remember is stay relaxed …
He suddenly notices the audience applauding. The curtain raises to reveal a penthouse setting with a luggage cart and a piano. Gene gingerly goes along with it, raising his hands to silence the audience.
Gene Kermit. You tricked me.
Kermit Uh, well, just sort of a little trick.
Gene Well, okay then. (shrugs) Let's do it. Come on, hop up on the piano.
Kermit (chuckles) Okay, watch this, folks. Whoop! (he jumps onto the piano)
Gene Hey! (a vamp plays) Follow me!
Kermit Okay.
They start dancing to the tune of "Frère Jacques".
Gene One two three four.
Kermit One two three four.
Gene One two three.
Kermit One two three.
Gene La-la la-la la la.
Kermit La-la la-la la la.
Gene Well, there!
Kermit Gee, I guess I got it.
They start dancing to an instrumental of "The Worry Song". Applause.
Waldorf I wish Gene Kelly would teach me to Charleston.
Statler I wish Gene Kelly would drive you to Charleston. (laughs)


Kermit comes backstage, humming.
Beauregard Oh, hello, boss. Hey, do you know, there was some guy who was sitting over there watching the show.
Kermit Beau, that's not some guy, that's Gene Kelly, our guest star. He's one of the great entertainers of our age.
Beauregard Oh, good. I gave him my sponge mop.
Kermit (bewildered) Beau, why did you do that?
Beauregard Well, I'm giving away all my stuff, because the world is coming to an end. (sobs and blows his nose)
Kermit Beau? Beau, that's silly.
Beauregard Oh, no it isn't. I'm worried sick.
The cast of Veterinarian's Hospital passes by.
501 beau worried sick
Rowlf Oh, good. Come with us. We need a sick person for Vet's Hospital. (chuckles)
Beauregard Okay.
He tosses his hanky away, then follows them to the stage as they pass Gene.
501 sponge mop
Gene Oh, Beau — thanks again for the sponge mop!

Veterinarian's Hospital

Open on Piggy blowing her snout on the operating table sheet. She realizes she's on camera and takes her place. Beauregard is the patient.
Announcer And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf So who's this patient, nurse Janice?
Janice It's Beau, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf Bo, the one that lost the sheep?
Miss Piggy No, no, no, not Bo Peep. Beau the stagehand.
Rowlf Oh, the one who lost his marbles. (chuckles)
Beauregard Hey, that's not nicey-nicey.
Rowlf Ohhh.
Miss Piggy No. It's not very funny-funny either.
Janice No, it isn't. Were you calling the patient, stupid Dr. Bob?
Rowlf Uhh — you wanna try that again?
Janice Were you calling the patient stupid, Dr. Bob?
Miss Piggy I liked the first way better. Hoo hoo hoo hoo.
Beauregard Me too. I just came here to tell you that the world is going to come to an end.
Janice Oh, no! Oh, and I had so many things I wanted to do with my life!
Rowlf Like what?
Janice Well, like frizz my hair and buy some new shoooooooes.
Miss Piggy Wait a minute. Beau, how do you know the world is going to end?
Beauregard Oh, I saw it in the cards.
Rowlf The cards? Then we got nothing to worry about.
Piggy & Janice Why?
Rowlf He's not playing with a full deck! (chuckles)
Piggy & Janice (groan)
Beauregard (sigh) There you go again, treating me like I was sub-ferior. (Rowlf snickers)
Miss Piggy Don't listen to him, Beau.
Beauregard But I can't help it. He's so close, I hear every word.
Rowlf Ooh. I think another card just fell out of the deck. (chuckles)
Beauregard Okay, but the world is going to end. And there'll be a sign. Something will happen here that's never happened before.
Janice You mean like if Dr. Bob actually cured a patient?
Rowlf (groan) Or nurse Janice kept her mouth shut? (chuckles)
Miss Piggy Or if we got one honest laugh?
Rowlf Well, if the world is waiting for that, it's gonna be a rather long time.
Miss Piggy (shrugs) Eh.
Rowlf Might as well cue the announcer!
They all look up.
Announcer And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
Beauregard Gee, I was sure something was going to happen.
Announcer Tune in next week, when you'll hear Dr. — b'waaaaah!
He falls from the ceiling and lands on Beau.
Announcer Oh. Heh. Good thing I landed on something soft.
They all laugh.
Janice Aw! Now that's funny!

UK Spot

Two dogs sing "Fit as a Fiddle" to a fiddle-playing French Poodle.
Terrier Hey now, look at that. All that and she can dance too.
The tempo increases, and they chase the poodle. They try to kiss her, but she ducks and they end up kissing themselves. An old dog walks away with her, and they sigh.

"You Wonderful You"

Gene stands by the stage door. Piggy runs into him.
Miss Piggy Oh! Oh, there you are! Eugene!
Gene Oh, hi, Miss Piggy! I was just standing here getting some fresh air.
Miss Piggy Oh! Oh, I thought you were grabbing a taxi.
Gene Oh, no. I don't want to leave. I'm having too much fun.
Miss Piggy Oh, good. And you're doing a wonderful job.
Gene Oh, I'm not doing anything.
Miss Piggy (awkwardly) You're doing it so well.
Gene (chuckles) Thank you.
Miss Piggy Eugene, you have sung to many beautiful women.
Gene Yes. Yes, I've been lucky.
Miss Piggy Your luck's still with ya.
Gene It is?
Miss Piggy Eugene, I am not one to beg, but … please sing to me!
Gene I'd be happy to.
She swoons as music swells up.

I'm glad I met you,
You wonderful you.
I can't forget you,
You wonderful you.

Miss Piggy (with Gene)

You're like a breath of spring,
(Tell me…)
A whole new thing has happened.
(…all the pretty things I wanna hear.)
And without much ado, (I can …)
I look at you and … (… see that …)

Piggy & Gene There stands love.
Gene (with Piggy)

My arms around you,
(Gee, but I'd always like to hang around.)
That's wonderful too.
(Feel like my feet will never touch the ground.)
So glad I found you,
(Oh what a lucky day the day I found…)

Piggy & Gene You wonderful you …
Gene Remember …
Gonzo Miss Piggy, you've gotta change for Pigs in Space!
Miss Piggy Oh! Oh, oh, oh, Gene, I'm so sorry, um, I must go! Ta! (dashes off)
Gene But we haven't finished our song!
Gonzo That's okay. You can sing it to me. (throws himself into Gene's arms) What's it called?
Gene "You Wonderful You".
Gonzo Perfect. (bats his eyelids)
Gene I don't think it'll be the same …

Remember, finders keepers …

Gonzo Losers weepers.
Gene & Gonzo

And because it's true,
You're mine now,
You wonderful you.


Pigs in Space / Muppet Newsflash

Announcer And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Open on our heroes, fretting.
Announcer When we last left our heroes, Captain Hogthrob was about to speak.
Link Hogthrob (looks up) I wonder how that announcer is. He fell down in Vet's Hospital, you know.
Announcer Actually, I sprained my ankle.
Link and Piggy look up.
Announcer (to announcer) Well, take my advice and get your mommy to kiss it.
Miss Piggy (to Link) Can we get on with this sketch?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Yeah, yeah, good idea. Captain Hogthrob, the navigational computer just gave us a very startling news!
Link Hogthrob Oh? What's that?
Dr. Julius Strangepork See that white glow approaching in the distance?
Link Hogthrob … Yeah.
Dr. Julius Strangepork That glow is the end of the universe!
Link & Piggy (gasp)
Dr. Julius Strangepork And furthermore, according to the computer, when we reach the end of the universe, we will be given the meaning and purpose of life.
Link & Piggy (gasp)
Miss Piggy We will be given the meaning and purpose of life?
Link Hogthrob I just love presents.
Miss Piggy Uh — when do we get there?
Dr. Julius Strangepork In exactly one minute from … now!
A countdown clock appears and starts going down from 1:00. At :50, an alarm sounds, startling Link and Piggy.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Oh, it's okay, it's okay, it's just the dinner gong.
Link & Piggy (sigh of relief)
Link Hogthrob That means I'm going to miss the meaning and purpose of life.
Dr. Julius Strangepork But Link! Can't you just skip dinner?
Link Hogthrob What? Why, we're having swill stroganoff!
He departs. Piggy looks at the clock, which reaches :29.
Dr. Julius Strangepork (sigh) The meaning … and purpose of life.
Miss Piggy (sigh) Swill stroganoff. (smacks lips)
As the clock reaches :11, Piggy and Strangepork rush to follow Link.
Miss Piggy Wait for me!
She briefly comes back to address the viewer.
Miss Piggy You wait for the meaning and purpose of life!
:05 … :04 … :03 … :02 …
Transition to the news desk.
Newsman And now, a Muppet newsflash, probably the greatest news story in history. The meaning and purpose of life has just been announced. The full text of the announcement is as follows. (looks at the paper) … Oh, that's … (tosses the paper and shuffles through more papers) … wrong line. Uh, just a second. I had it here a minute ago. Where is it? The meaning and purpose of … (aside) How can I keep track of things when you're always straightening up my desk?!
Transition back to the Swinetrek. The white glow has overtaken the window. The crew relaxes and enjoys a cup.
Dr. Julius Strangepork (sigh) So, here we are at the end of the universe.
Link Hogthrob Is there any more coffee?
Miss Piggy (sigh) Too bad we all missed the meaning and purpose of life.
Announcer Not all of us missed it.
They all look up and beg.
Link Hogthrob Oh! Tell us! Tell us!
Miss Piggy Tell us, tell us! What is it?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Please, please!
Announcer (taunting) I know something you don't know!
Miss Piggy Yeah? Well, I know something you don't know, too!
She pulls a lever, and the announcer falls from the ceiling and lands on the dashboard.
Announcer So much for Pigs … in … Space. (faints)

Backstage / "Cool Water"

501 jugband backstage
Slim Wilson Aww…
Jug player Aw, come on, Kermit, let us on next!
Kermit I'm sorry, guys, I've got a full show. I cannot use a jug band number tonight.
Zeke Aw, man, it's unfair!
They all walk away.
Slim Wilson Aw, come on, Zeke, it ain't the end of the world.
Beauregard Yes, it is! The universe ended in Pigs in Space, and the world must be next! (exits)
Kermit It's just a sketch, Beau.
Scooter Hey Kermit, the set's on stage and ready to go!
Kermit Oh, let me see!
Scooter Yeah. It looks just like the set from the movie, doesn't it?
Kermit Wow. An exact duplicate.
Scooter Is Gene excited about doing "Singing in the Rain" on the show?
Kermit Well, he doesn't know about it yet.
501 gene scooter kermit
Gene Uh, what don't I know about yet, Kermit?
Kermit Oh, it was our surprise closing number, Gene.
Gene Well, I hope it's not for me. I don't want to do anything more. I just came here to enjoy myself, sit down and relax.
Kermit Not even something like, uh, oh, "Singing in the Rain", possibly?
Gene Especially not that number. You know, I — I've done that number so much, people are tired of it.
Scooter But Gene, that's exactly wh—
Kermit That's exactly what we thought. "Gene's not gonna want to do 'Singing in the Rain'," we said. Didn't we, Scooter?
Scooter Uh, yeah, that's what we said, I guess. Maybe I wasn't listening to us.
Kermit Uh — uh, listen, Scooter, since the jug band set is on stage right now — we have a jug band on the show, Gene.
Gene A jug band.
Kermit Yeah, — why don't you go tell the jug band that their number is next?
Scooter Oh, right! Yeah! Right! I'll tell the jug band. Oh, they'll sure be pleased with their set. (runs off)
Kermit Uh, uh, uh, Gene, I just have one quick introduction to make.
Gene Good. I'll just go over here and sit down and relax, okay?
Kermit whimpers, then goes on stage.
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Uh, uh, welcome if you will, that Texas jug band extraordinaire, Lubbock Lou and his Jug Huggers. Yaaaay.
Open on the jug band, singing in the rain with umbrellas.
Lubbock Lou

All day I've faced the barren waste
Without the taste of water.

Jug Huggers Cool water. (Water).
Lubbock Lou

Old Dan and I with throats burned dry,
And souls that cry for water.

Gene watches from the wings, and laughs out loud.
Jug player Cool, clear … (gargling) water.
Applause. The band looks sad.

Gene Kelly medley

Gene Kermit, you were really hoping that I'd do "Singing in the Rain", right?
Kermit (stammers) Oh, no, no, absolutely not. The thought never crossed my mind. Or to put it another way, yes.
Gene I guessed. Well, I understand. I mean, it's a great song. But after I did it in the movie, Kermit, I used to do it all the time. I'd do it at the drop of a hat.
Rowlf gets their attention with his piano, then drops a hat.
Gene But no more. You see, I finally realized that I'd never be able to do it better than we did it in the movie.
Rowlf plays the familiar opening vamp in the key of E♭ major.
Gene (cont'd) So that's why I never sing it anymore.
Rowlf Yeah, but Gene, doesn't this vamp I'm playing kinda make you feel like singin'?
Gene Yeah, that vamp does.
The Muppets gather around as he sings.

'S wonderful,
'S marvelous,
You should care for me.
'S awful nice …

Scooter 'S awful nice …
Gene 'S paradise …
Scooter 'S paradise …
Gene & Scooter 'S what I love to see.
Rowlf No, no. Not that song. This song.
He plays the vamp again in E♭ major.
Gene Oh, that song. I know that one. Sure.

You were meant for me.

Miss Piggy (swoons) I was meant for vous, Geney.
Rowlf Hey guys, no no no. Just listen to the vamp now.
He plays the vamp again, this time in E major.
Gene The bells are ringing for me and my gal.
Gene & Muppets The birds are singing for me and my gal.
Rowlf Hey, wait a minute, I give up, Gene. This vamp goes with too many songs.
Gene It sure does. And you know something? It even goes with this one too.
Rowlf plays the vamp in E major, then slowly plays along with Gene.
Gene I'm singin' … in the rain.
Applause. The Muppets hang on to Gene's every word.

Just singin' … in the rain.
What a glorious feeling. I'm happy again.
I'll walk down the lane, with a happy refrain,
Just singin' … and dancin' … in the rain.

He picks up an umbrella, and walks to the set. He notices it's not raining, glances at the audience, closes his umbrella and walks away. More applause.


Kermit Okay, and so we come to the end of another one. But before we go, let us bring back the man who's made this evening so very special for all of us. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Gene Kelly! Yaaaay!
Gene Kermit, I've had a wonderful time.
Beauregard How can you say that? The world is coming to an end!
Gene (picks up a book) You know, Beauregard, I have been reading the instruction manual of those fortune-telling cards. Scooter made a mistake.
Beauregard Oh?
Gene Yes, it says here, "When the seven of lumps is in the ascendency with the beginning of the drowning refrigerator, it doesn't mean the world is ending. It means your laundry will come back gray and dingy."
Beauregard You're trying to make me feel better. But I know, the end is near!
Kermit Uh, no, the end is now. (to the audience) We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The Muppets gather around Gene as the credits roll.
Statler Are you ready for the end of the world?
Waldorf Sure! It couldn't be worse than this show!
They chuckle.
Atv zoot

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