Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter Andy Williams? Andy Williams? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Andy.
Andy Terrific, Scooter. I'm all set.
Scooter Oh, by the way, Andy, thanks for sharing the dressing room with the limburger.
Andy Oh, that's alright. I was warned this was a cheesy show.
He guffaws as cheeses appear around him.
TMS422.coldopen

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Andy Williams! Yaaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
MuppetShopen4
Waldorf holds a wad of bills.
Waldorf How much do you want not to start?
They chuckle.
Gonzo open 422
Before Gonzo can blow his horn, a pack of howling dogs bombard him.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you! Hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And we're gonna have a wonderful show, because tonight special guest is one of my all-time favorite people, Mr. Andy Williams. (audience oohs) But first, here is an opening number — my kind of door.
Fozzie sings "Green Door" as he watches shady figures enter a building. During the instrumental break, the inside activity is revealed: a sextet of creatures playing and dancing to rock music.
TMS422.greendoor
When Fozzie finally opens the door, he only sees dusty equipment with cobwebs.
Fozzie Wha? … Hello? (a rat passes him) Yecch.
Green-Door
He goes back outside, closes the door and repeats the first verse. He hides as the creatures suddenly come out hollering.
Statler At first I thought that number was gonna be good, but then …
Waldorf Then what?
Statler Then they raised the curtain!
They chuckle.

Dressing room

Andy, drinking tea, hears a knock on the door.
Andy Come in.
Miss Piggy Ah — oh, Andrew, dear, hello!
Andy Hi, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy Andrew, there has been an itsy-bitsy change in your opening number.
Andy Oh?
Miss Piggy Yes, I think Kermie would like you to sing "Love Story".
Andy "Love Story"?
Miss Piggy Mm-hmm. You know, it goes, La-la-la-la-la
Andy I know the song — I, I know the song.
Miss Piggy Oh.
Andy Uh, but why?
Miss Piggy Well, you sing it so beautifully. Mm-hmm.
Andy Well, thank you, but uh, we rehearsed "Moon River".
Miss Piggy Well, um — uh … well, Andrew — I have a little secret between vous et moi.
Andy What?
Miss Piggy "You and me".
Andy I know what it means, but uh, but why?
Miss Piggy Uh, Andrew … (looks around) … Kermie and I … we are … engaged.
Andy No!
Miss Piggy YES!!
TMS422.dressingroom
Andy That's wonderful!
Miss Piggy Yes! It — it just happened.
Andy Can I make the announcement?
Miss Piggy No! No. Um, only you and I know.
Andy And Kermit.
Miss Piggy Who? Oh! Yes, yes, uh, Kermit, yes, yes. Uh — but, but you will sing "Love Story" for us, won't you?
Andy Well, of course I will.
Miss Piggy Ahh.
Andy The frog and the pig getting married.
Miss Piggy Yes. (sighs)
Andy Soon there'll be the patter of tiny figs. (laughs, claps)
Miss Piggy When you finish breaking yourself up, you will sing, won't you?
She exits. He continues laughing.

Backstage

Kermit Uh, listen, Rizzo, now, one of these dancing cheeses seems to be missing. Now do you know anything about this dancing cheese.
Rizzo zips away.
Kermit Rats.
Miss Piggy Kermie! Kermie, Kermie, Kermie, I wonder if I may make an itsy-bitsy suggestion for tonight's show.
Kermit I guess so. What is it?
Miss Piggy Cancel "Moon River" and have Andy Williams sing "Love Story".
TMS422.backstage1
Kermit Miss Piggy, I can't just change the running order now. Besides, Andy is associated with "Moon River."
Miss Piggy A-a-a-and, you know who is associated with "Love Story", don't you?
Kermit Hmm?
Miss Piggy Vous et moi.
Kermit What?
Miss Piggy "You and me".
Kermit I know what it means! Look, Miss Piggy, the "Moon River" set is already being moved onstage, so forget it. (walks off)
Miss Piggy Kermie —
Beauregard and Beaker wheel a paper moon onstage. Piggy stops them.
Miss Piggy HOLD IT!!
TMS422.backstage1-1
Beauregard But Kermit told us to put this on the stage.
Beaker Mee-mee-mee.
Miss Piggy I don't care. Just take that back and bring in the "Love Story" set.
Beauregard But if we did that, Kermit would fire us!
Beaker (nods)
Miss Piggy Would you rather be fired, or dismembered?
Beaker (shrieks)
Beauregard Hmm. Dismembered sounds like fun.
Beaker whispers in Beau's ear.
Beauregard (gasp!) … We'll take fired.
They move the moon away.

"Theme from Love Story"

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit Uh, ladies and gentlemen, with us tonight is one of the world's great entertainers and recording artists, and here he is now, Mr. Andy Williams!
Miss Piggy (peeking from the curtain) Psst! Psst! Psst! Kermie!
Kermit What?
Miss Piggy Psst.
Kermit (walks over) What?
422.LoveStory1
She pulls him behind the curtain. The curtain opens to reveal a wall with heart-shaped windows. Andy walks onstage and begins to sing.
Andy

Where do I begin to tell the story
Of how great a love can be?
The sweet love story that is older than the sea,
The simple truth about the love she brings to me.
Where do I start?

The curtains in the windows open to reveal Kermit in the center and Piggy in the top left.
Andy With her first hello…
Miss Piggy Hello.
They duck and move to different windows.
Andy

She gave new meaning to this empty world of mine.
They'll never be another love another time.

Miss Piggy Aha!
Andy

She came into my life and made the living fine.
She fills my heart …

Miss Piggy Aha!
The windows open and close as Kermit tries to flee from Piggy.
422.LoveStory2
Andy

She fills my heart …

Miss Piggy KERMIE!
Andy

… with very special things.
With angel songs and wild imaginings.
She fill my soul with so much love
That any where I go…

Kermit (passes Andy) 'Scuse me.
Andy

…I'm never lonely.
With her around who could be lonely?
I reach for her hand,
It's always there.

Miss Piggy

How long does it last?
Can love be measured by the hours in a day?

Andy

I have no answers now,
But this much I can say…

Miss Piggy La la la la …
Andy

I know I'll need her until the stars all burn away,
And she'll be there.

Kiss andy williams piggy
He pulls Kermit towards Piggy, who gives both of them kissy-kissys.
Statler I wonder if we'll be called up as witnesses at the trial.
Waldorf What trial?
Statler Well, you don't think Andy's gonna take this lying down!
They chuckle.

Backstage

Kermit is not pleased as he and Piggy come backstage.
Scooter Good number. Nice number.
Miss Piggy Kermie-kins, don't be angryyyy!
Kermit You know how I hate romantic junk like that.
TMS422.backstage2
Scooter Oh, congratulations, chief. I wish you all the happiness in the world. You'll need it. (laughs, exits)
Kermit What was that all about?
Miss Piggy (laughs sheepishly) Um… oh, that Scooter and his dumb little jokes. Hahaha.
Floyd Hey, Kermit — me and the band gonna play at the wedding?
Kermit Wh — what wedding?!
Piggy tiptoes away.
Floyd Well, I just heard the news that you and Miss Fatback was gonna tie the knot and raise chitlins! (laughs)
Kermit PIGGY!!
Miss Piggy Um … (laughs sheepishly) … Kermie, it's … just a joke!
Kermit A JOKE?? People will think we're really engaged!! (stews)
Miss Piggy (sigh) It's so sweet-sounding when you say it.
Kermit Well — the engagement is off! HI-YAH!
TMS.422.KermitChop
He karate-chops her, but doesn't knock her over.
Miss Piggy Kermie? Dear? Dear? Sweetheart? It's not like that. It's like this. Hi-YAH!
Her chop sends him flying to his desk.
Kermit (through the intercom) On stage for the next number. (faints)

Muppet newsflash

Newsman And now for this Muppet newsflash. Bands of roving cheeses have been reported at the edge of town, moving towards City Center. The cheeses are reported to be smelly, and often in the company of crackers. Uh, most of them seem to be moving about on foot, but some cheeses, naturally, are in wheels.
TMS422.newsflash
A cheese wheel rolls over him. Some rats chase after it.

Veterinarian's Hospital

Piggy fools around with medical equipment, then quickly rushes to the operating table. A rabbit is the patient.
Announcer Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf Well, who's the first patient, Nurse Janice?
Janice Here he is, Dr. Bob.
Miss Piggy Aww, Dr. Bob, what a cute little bunny. I wonder what his name is?
Rowlf Well, he hasn't said "Eh, what's up doc," so it isn't you-know-who! (laughs)
Janice Who, doctor?
Rowlf It's not "Who, doctor," it's Doctor Who - that's another show. (laughs)
Janice Oh, oh, is he related to Doctor Which?
Rowlf No, it's not "Doctor Which", it's witch doctor, and that's another ball game! (laughs)
Janice Oh, then Doctor Who's on first!
Rowlf & Janice (groan)
Miss Piggy All I ask is the bunny's name, and I get Abbott and Costello.
Rowlf (laughs)
Rabbit Hey, look can we get on with this? I'm late! I'm late!
Rowlf For a very important date?
Janice (groan)
Rabbit No, that's another rabbit.
Rowlf Oh, you're not the white rabbit?
Rabbit No, I'm the wrong rabbit!
Rowlf & Janice (groan)
Janice Fer sure.
Miss Piggy Good grief! Now it's Rabbit and Costello.
Rowlf (laughs)
Janice Dr. Bob, may I remind you this is a hospital?
TMS.422.VetsHospital
Rowlf Oh, I'm glad you did. The way the jokes were dying, I thought it was a morgue! (laughs)
They all groan.
Rabbit Hey, hurry up, will ya? I gotta get back to the hutch!
Rowlf The what?
Miss Piggy Hutch. Th-that's where rabbits live.
Rowlf I know that. I even know where it is. It's behind a famous cathedral.
Piggy, Janice, Rabbit Oh?
Rowlf You must have heard of it. The hutch back of Notre Dame? (laughs)
The others groan.
Miss Piggy That rings a bell.
They all groan, and look up when they hear the announcer.
Announcer And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
Rowlf Good!
Announcer Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Janice say ...
Janice Oh, Dr. Bob, that was rully a long way to go for that last joke! You should have packed a lunch!
Rowlf (laughs) I did. I ate it behind the cathedral.
Piggy, Janice, Rabbit Oh?
Rowlf Yes. I had the lunch back of Notre Dame!
They all groan and laugh.
Janice Fer sure, for sure.

UK spot

Backstage. Sam looks over a clipboard.
Kermit Hi, Sam!
Sam the Eagle (flinches) Oh! … Oh. Yes, hello.
Kermit Uh, still censoring the show, Sam?
Sam the Eagle Yes, I am. Have you seen what's happening in the canteen?
Kermit Uh, no —
Sam the Eagle I've noted this down — there are seventeen penguins rehearsing for a tap-dance number.
Kermit (nods) Oh, good.
Sam the Eagle Good?!
Kermit Sure, that's what they're supposed to do.
Sam the Eagle That is not decent family entertainment for this show.
Kermit Hey, Sam, wh-why do you do this?
TMS422.UKspot
Sam the Eagle Someone has to do it.
Kermit Mmm. But don't you have a home, or something like that?
Sam the Eagle Oh, yes, I have a family. I'm married. Mm-hmm.
Kermit Really? You have a home?
Sam the Eagle Yes, well, uh … my wife and I are separated.
Kermit Oh?
Sam the Eagle She, uh, flew the coop.
Kermit Do you have any uh, do you have any kids?—
Sam the Eagle We were very close, though. Very close.
Kermit Oh yeah? What's her name?
Sam the Eagle Uh, I forgot.
Kermit Oh. But uh, do you have any kids?
Sam the Eagle Yes, I have two wonderful kids.
Kermit Oh.
Sam the Eagle They never write to me.
Kermit Um, um …
Sam the Eagle They're in college now.
Kermit Uh-huh. Uh, boys or girls?
Sam the Eagle Mm-hmm. Yes. One boy. One boy, one girl.
Kermit Uh-huh. Yeah. The boy's in college, uh-huh.
Sam the Eagle Yes.
Kermit And what does he study?
Sam the Eagle I'd rather not talk about it. He's uh, studying, uh … taxidermy.
Kermit I see, I … that's good though, huh?
Sam the Eagle No it's not.
Kermit No, it's not very good, no —
Sam the Eagle You don't know how bad.
Kermit Well, how about your daughter?
Sam the Eagle I'd rather not talk about her either. She's uh … she's living a rather high life there in college. She's uh, dating, uh … an owl. (shudders)
Kermit Woo-woo.
Sam the Eagle Exactly.
Kermit Hmm.
Sam the Eagle (returns to the clipboard) Get back to this! What about this, all this indecent family entertainment? There's — besides the penguins, there's dogs singing and pigs and — there's a cheese singing "Malagueña".
Kermit Oh, the cheese! I gotta check and see if the cheese is ready! Oh, cheese! (leaves)
Sam the Eagle (to viewer) You need not worry. As long as Sam the Eagle is here, I shall protect you, in the name of decent family entertainment. (nods)

Dressing room / "Jubilee Time"

Scooter Yeah, bu-but how'd you get started in show business?
Andy Well, Scooter, I started singing with my brothers, my three brothers, in Wall Lake, Iowa. And we called ourselves The Williams Brothers.
TMS422.dressingroom2
Scooter Ah. Clever. Clever name.
Andy And we used to sing in church. And then uh, we started singing on the radio.
Scooter Oh, I guess you sang that old style music, huh? Like acid rock?
Andy Yeah, like ac — well, this was way before that. Way, way back — we used to sing barbershop harmony.
Scooter Gee, I wish I'd heard that.
Andy sings "Jubilee Time" with a trio of Andy Williams Muppet caricatures.
TMS.422.JubileeTime

Backstage

Kermit Hey, uh, what are all you cheeses doing backstage?
Cheese (DG) Oh, we want to try out for your show.
Cheeses Yeah.
Cheese (DG) We sing.
Kermit Oh yeah? What do you sing?
Cheese (DG) One two three!
Cheeses So you met somebody that got you back on your heels —
Cheese (DG) Gouda-Gouda!
The cheeses laugh, then sing another one.
Cheeses I got a girl, crazy for me …
TMS422.cheezes
Cheese (JN) Cheese funny that way!
The cheeses laugh.
Cheese (LG) Wait! Wait, listen to this!
Cheeses Pardon me, boys — is this the —
Cheese (LG) Cheddar-nooga Choo-choo?
The cheeses laugh.
Kermit And what do you sing?
Cheese (SW) Oh, I don't sing. I'm in a TV series.
Kermit Uh, what?
Cheese (SW) The Roquefort Files!
The cheeses laugh.
Kermit Will you guys get outta here? Out, out, out, out, out!
The cheeses disperse.

Muppet Labs

Open on Bunsen making baby talk to a cat as Beaker watches.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Spoody boody. Oh, mister boody boopers. Boody boody boody. Well. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, it's a well-known fact that some people like doggies and some people like kitties.
Cat (meows)
Beaker (meows back)
Labs422
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Up to now, if you were given the wrong pet, you had to put up with it. But our new electronic pet converter solves that problem. My assistant, Beaker, is putting an unwanted kitty into the converter.
Beaker (points to Bunsen) Meep?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Yes, go.
Beaker Meep meep meep meep …
He pushes the cat into the converter as it meows and hisses.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh, that's wonderful, Beaker. And now, I throw the switch … and out of the other side comes … a cute little puppy dog.
The puppy barks and licks Beaker.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew And if you happen to like kitties instead of doggies, the converter works the other way. Show them, Beaker.
Beaker Bye-bye!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Bon voyage!
The puppy goes back in to the box.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Now you can go get your kitty on the other side …
It comes out as a tiger, to Beaker's surprise.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh dear! Oh, there seems to be some sort of problem!
He tries to pull the tiger by the tail from the other end.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew (grunting) The important thing to remember is that anything that passes through this door is turned into a puppy dog.
Labs422.puppyhand
His hand is pulled through the door, sprouts eyes and hair, and begins barking. The tiger chases Beaker around the lab.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew That's all for now, from Muppet Labs. (to his puppy-hand) Sit. Sit.

Duets with Andy

Kermit and Andy sit together on stools, holding microphones.
Kermit You know, it's really neat to be sitting here to do a medley with Andy Williams, just like you used to do on your show, huh?
Andy Well, thank you, Kermit. Uh, listen, by the way, may I ask you a question?
Kermit Why, sure. What?
Andy How do you do it?
Kermit Do what — you mean, sit on a stool like this? Why, uh, any frog can do that.
Andy Well, I knew that toads could, but uh …
Kermit Toads? What do you mean toads?
Andy Well, surely you've heard of toad stools?
He laughs. Kermit frowns.
Andy You're still mad at me, aren't you?
Kermit Well — well, you did do "Love Story" instead of "Moon River."
Andy Well, that was Miss Piggy. I mean, she told me that you were engaged.
Kermit Yeah, well, it was very embarrassing.
Andy Well … would it make you feel any better if you embarrassed me?
Kermit What… well, no …
Andy Go ahead. Go ahead.
Kermit No, I couldn't …
Andy I can take it.
Kermit Okay, uh, let's see, uh … uh, I don't like your coat.
Andy Good. Does that make you feel better?
Kermit Yeah. Yeah. Now let's do the medley, huh?
Andy Okay.
Kermit Mm-hmm.
Andy (pause) What don't you like about my coat?
Kermit (stammers) Uh, nothing, I was just saying that.
Andy Well, go ahead, tell me. I mean, is it the sleeves, or the lapels, or the shoulders?
Kermit No, no, I just — just forget that, huh?
Andy You're right. I mean, what would you know about clothes anyway? All you wear is that stupid collar.
Kermit (whimpers)
Andy It's a wonder you haven't been arrested.
Kermit Okay, that does it. Start the music.
The music starts.
Andy I'm only kidding, Kermit. I love your collar.
Kermit Aw. Well, actually, I like your coat too.
Andy Well, thanks.
Kermit Except for the buttons.
Andy Wha — I knew it was the buttons! I knew it.
TMS.422.2ofakind
Kermit & Andy

Two of a kind.
For your information,
We're two of a kind.
Two of a kind.
It's my observation,
We're two of a kind.

Kermit Frogs in a pond …
Andy And birds of a feather…
Kermit & Andy

Alone or together you'll find,
That we are two-oo-oo-oo of a kind.

Kermit I like the swamp in June, how about you?
Andy I like a Gershwin tune, how about you?
Kermit I love a lily pad when a storm is due.
Andy I like potato chips …
Kermit Mud flats and skinny dips …
Kermit & Andy How about you?
Andy

I don't believe in frettin' and grievin',
Why mess around with strife?
I never was cut out to step and strut out.
Give me the simple life.

Kermit

Some find it pleasant dining on pheasant.
Those things roll off my knife.
I dine on mosquito, flies are a treat-o.
Give me the simple life.

Andy I love a piano.
Kermit & Andy

I love a piano.
I love to hear somebody play
Upon a piano, a grand piano.
It simply carries me away.

Kermit So you can keep your fiddle and your bow.
Kermit & Andy Give me a p-i-a-n-o, oh, oh.
Andy

I love to stop right beside an upright,
Or a high toned baby grand.

Kermit & Andy

We're two of a kind.
There's just no denyin',
We're two of a kind.
Two of a kind.
Without even tryin',
We're two of a kind.

Kermit Makin' it plain …
Andy Explainin' it fully…
Kermit & Andy

We're simila-la-larly inclined
Because we're two-oo-oo of a kind

Kermit Uh, except, of course, that I'm a frog.
Medley.422
Kermit & Andy Two-oo-oo, two of a kind!
Applause.

Goodnights

Kermit Okay, well, that is approximately sort of what you might call the end of the show, but before we go, let us say thank you to our wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Andy Williams! Yaaaay!
Applause.
Andy Kermit, I had a great time.
Kermit Oh, good.
Andy And I love the Muppet cheese.
The cheeses gather around him, as do some rats.
TMS422.goodnights
Kermit Uh, yeah, well, listen, if you like the cheese, did you get to meet the rats?
Andy Well, rats can be fun, but cheese can be fun-due. (laughs)
The rats and cheeses laugh.
Kermit Uh, that's our kinda humor, Andy! Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Gonzo looks on as the rats eat the cheese. The credits roll.
Statler I'm gonna see my lawyer.
Waldorf Why?
Statler Gonna find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!
They chuckle.
Atv zoot
THE END

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