Cold open

Scooter: Lynda Carter? Lynda Carter?

Lynda: I know, I know, Scoots. It's twenty seconds to curtain.

Scooter: You can read my mind!

Lynda: I'm not reading your mind, I'm reading my script.

Scooter: Huh? Wha? Oh, no, no.

Both: Kermit wouldn't allow a script on this show, everything we say on here is ad-libbed!

Theme

Kermit: It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Lynda Carter! Yaaaay!

Statler: Don't start!

"The Muppet Show Theme"

Waldorf: We haven't left yet!

Gonzo: [his trumpet pulls his teeth out of his mouth] Embarrassment!

Opening number

Kermit: Thank you, thank you, hello there, and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And we have a fantastic show for you tonight. Because our very special guest is that lovely star of television's Wonder Woman, Miss Lynda Carter!

Audience: [oohs and aahs]

Kermit: Yes! But, right now, let's get the show started w--

Piggy: Kermit, Kermit, excuse moi. Kermie, uh, you forgot to mention the sketch I am in.

Kermit: Well, I, I didn't forget, I just didn't think it was important.

Piggy: [laughs] You didn't?

Kermit: Important, but not that important.

Piggy: A-ha, a-ha, mm-hmm.

Kermit: I mean, it's not like it was a matter of life and death.

Piggy: You're sure about that?

Kermit: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, later on in the show, our own Miss Piggy here will be portraying a brand new character, Wonder Pig.

Lynda: Wonder Pig?

Piggy: Thank you, Kermie.

Kermit: Uh, you're welcome.

Piggy: Isn't it great to be alive?

Kermit: Uh, uh, which reminds me of our opening number, ladies and gentlemen, how long has it been since you've watched a good old fashioned human sacrifice? Too long you say? Well, watch this.

"A Little Help from My Friends"

Statler: You think the lobsters would share some of their popcorn with us?

Waldorf: No chance, they're two shellfish!

Statler: [laughs] You're too shellfish.

Backstage

Kermit: Okay, way to go Pagans, nicely worshiped.

Scooter: It's here, it's here! My correspondence course!

Kermit: Your correspondence course?

Scooter: "How to Be a Superhero". Yeah, it comes complete with a helmet, a cape, a red shirt, and an instruction book called, "Invincibility Made Easy".

Kermit: I don't believe that.

Scooter: I'm doing it 'cause Wonder Woman's on our show.

Kermit: No, no, no. Lynda Carter is on our show. She's not gonna play Wonder Woman tonight.

Scooter: Well, that's just as well. There'll be plenty of superheroes around.

Kermit: What do you mean, plenty?

Scooter: Well, everybody's taking the course.

Fozzie: Uh, let's see. Lesson two. Deflecting bullets with the magic gold bracelets. Oh, hi Kermit, what'ch'ya doin'?

Kermit: Oh, just noticing that this season has produced a bumper crop of nuts.

Dressing room

Lynda: Sam, you know, uh, that human sacrifice number at the top of the show?

Sam: Ugh, yes.

Lynda: Well, is that kind of thing gonna be going on throughout this entire show?

Sam: Ugh, Miss Carter, I'm afraid so.

Lynda: Good, because I loved it.

Kermit: Uh, Lynda, your number is next!

Lynda: Thanks, Kermit!

Sam: Congratulations.

Lynda: For what?

Sam: You are the next human to be sacrificed.

Kermit: Uh, uh, listen, uh, Lynda, you know about this number you're about to do...

Lynda: Mm-hmm.

Kermit: Well, none of our band has rehearsed this number.

Lynda: Oh, that's okay, I brought my own band.

Kermit: "Oh?", says the frog feeling control slipping through his fingers.

Lynda: Don't worry about it, Kermit. This is one terrific band.

Kermit: Oh, what kind of band is it?

Lynda: Oh, it's a rubber band.

"The Rubberband Man"

Waldorf: Mmm. What'd you think of Lynda?

Statler: Terrific!

Waldorf: Yeah. How about that rubber band?

Stater: Well, make 'em into a tire and drive 'em to Pittsburgh!

Backstage

Kermit: Okay, hey that was wonderful Lynda!

Lynda: Thank you very much.

Kermit: Oh, look at this. The apprentice superheroes are still at it. Boy, this "Invincibility Made Easy" is some kind of crazy book.

Scooter: Chapter four. Vanishing. To vanish, it requires several minutes of hard work to achieve.

Gonzo: Shazam!

Link Hogthrob: Bending steel bars is simple if you have a pure heart and clean thoughts.

Fozzie: Uh, let's see. Swinging from building to building on a rope should be practiced, uh, perhaps by starting swinging across the room. Aah, right!

Kermit: Then, of course, there's Lew Zealand. He's practicing x-ray vision.

Lew: Pick a closed door. Yeah. Uh, stare at it for several seconds, and suddenly the door will seem to vanish and you'll see inside the room. Oh, gotcha.

Fozzie: [screaming while swinging across the room into the door Lew is staring at]

Lew: I can see the room! I have x-ray vision!

Muppet newsflash

The Newsman: He's a Muppet News Flash. Dateline, Egypt. Archaeologists today discovered an ancient tomb more than five thousand years old in the Nile Valley. An inscription over the tomb warned that the crocodile god Rezal-evad-gib — that's Rezal-evad-gib — would wreck a terrible vengeance on anyone who entered the tomb or even pronounced his name aloud. That's a ridiculous story, I don't kno— [being eaten... screams]

Dressing room

Lynda: Come in.

Beauregard: Oh, Wonder Lynda, I have to warn you about something!

Lynda: Oh, hi there Beau, how are you?

Beauregard: No, no time for the nicey-nicies. Aah, something terrible just happened to The Newsman downstairs.

Lynda: You're kidding, what?

Beauregard: Well, they sent me up here to tell you not to say this very dangerous word.

Lynda: Oh, okay. What's the word?

Beauregard: Well, it's uh... Oh, no. I forgot it! But, whatever you do, don't say it.

Lynda: Now, how can I not say a word if you don't know what it is and you can't remember it, huh? I mean, it could be anything. It could be pencil.

Beauregard: [gasp] Nope, I guess that wasn't it.

Lynda: Well, it could be, uh, shoehorn. Hairbrush. Powderpuff. Just about anything. I mean—

Beauregard: Be careful! Stop it! You might say it by accident!

Lynda: Oh. Okay, now listen, Beau.

Beauregard: Yes?

Lynda: Why don't you try to remember. Try very, very, very hard, okay?

Beauregard: You mean, think?

Lynda: Y— think, right.

Beauregard: Oh, that's hard. Okay.

Lynda: Okay. C'mon.

Beauregard: [struggling] It's no use. It's right on the tip of my tongue.

Lynda: It is. Right on the tip of your tongue. It says...

Beauregard: (yeah)

Lynda: Wait, wait. Hold still. "Re. Zal. E. Va—"

Beauregard: [closes his mouth]

Newsman: I bet you thought they were gonna say Rezal-evad-gib, didn't you?

Beauregard: Oh no!

Newsman: Well, after what I went through— [gets eaten]

Beauregard: Yuck.

Lynda: Yuck.

Beauregard: That could have been you.

"While My Guitar Gently Weeps"

UK spot

Gaffer: Meow.

Sam: Disgusting. Get away.

Kermit: Sam? Hey, Sam.

Sam: What?

Kermit: What are you doing?

Sam: I am censoring this show.

Kermit: Well, what are you writing down there?

Sam: Already, I have fourteen disgusting items that have occurred on this show.

Kermit: Well, like what?

Sam: Well, first of all, there's one here... a possible romantic liaison between a frog and a pig.

Kermit: Well, I guess I'm not very happy about that one myself. But, but what do you do with this?

Sam: I send it to a very important person.

Kermit: Who?

Sam: None of your business.

Chicken: B'wawk.

Sam: That's what I mean. Look at that. What is that? What was a chicken?

Kermit: That's a chicken.

Sam: And a penguin. Whoah, stop! What is this, what's this?

Kermit: Well, uh, that's a rat.

Sam: A rat. What is a rat doing in the legitimate theatre?

Kermit: Well, uh, I, I send him out to, uh, buy me a chocolate milkshake, actually.

Sam: You let a rat touch your food?

Kermit: Well, sure Sam. That's the kind of place it is. You know, the, uh, chickens dance, the, uh, pig sings, and the, uh, rat goes out and gets me some food.

Sam: Alright, alright, alright, alright! That's it! I want this rat out of the theatre— Wait, I'll do it. Rat! Rat! I'm talking to you. I'm making a citizen's rat arrest. Out!

Kermit: Yeah, but. Sam...

Sam: All it needed was a command decision.

Kermit: But, but, Sam, you can't just send those rats out. I mean, they perform a very useful function. They gather all the trash and garbage around the theatre and take it out in the alley and dump it.

Rizzo: Okay guys, let's do it.

[Sam is carried off by rats]

Sam: Wait, wait! Wait, put me down!

Kermit: Listen, be gentle with him! Hey, bring back the clipboard!

Wonder Pig

Kermit: Now, there's been a lot of talk about superheroes on tonight's show. So, here is a story of sheer terror. When civilization is threatened by one of the most frightening creatures ever to roam the Earth. Who can save us? Ladies and gentlemen, our own Miss Piggy, starring as Wonder Pig.

Lynda: [laughing] Wonder Pig?

Kermit: A word of caution. There are scenes in this story which may not be suitable for adults.

Piggy: Oh. Oh, dear, dear. Oh, oh, wake up. Wake up! It is I, your beautiful sister. Oh.

[knock on door]

Piggy and Link: Come in.

Link: Oh, doctor. At last you've come.

Strangepork: Yes, what seems to be the problem?

Piggy: Oh! Doctor, doctor. My husband and I...

Link: Yes, dear.

Piggy: We, we came home and found my sister in a trance-like state. And, and all she does is make strange sounds like, like...

Annie Sue: [chicken noises]

Strangepork: It's almost as if she's in a state of shock. As if she'd been frightened by a chicken.

Link: A chicken?

Strangepork: But, that's ridiculous.

Piggy: How can that be?

Strangepork: Well, I don't know. Do you keep any chickens on the ranch?

Piggy: No, I don't. Well, my husband and I have no chickens.

Strangepork: Has she had any cacciatore?

Link: [sees giant chicken out window, makes chicken noises]

Strangepork: He has it, too!

Piggy: Oh, no! Husband!

Strangepork: I don't know if it's contagious, or if it's something he sa—

Piggy: Oh, no. What is it, husband?

Strangepork: [sees giant chicken out window, makes chicken noises]

Piggy: Oh, no! What? Is it something ou saw?

[the house begins to shake]

Piggy: Oh, no. An earthquake! Oh, no! Oh, what is this dreaded, terrible thing?

[chaos ensues, everyone but Piggy faints]

Piggy: Holy guacamole! This is a job for Wonder Pig!

[Piggy spins, transforms, grows in size, and crashes through the ceiling, displacing the chicken]

Piggy: Beat it, ya dumb cluck! Eat your heart out, Lynda Carter.

Lynda: Bravo!

Statler: How come chickens are getting so big on this show?

Waldorf: Well, chickens thrive on corn.

Backstage

Piggy: Shoo, shoo! Go on, go on. Shoo, shoo, shoo!

Scooter: All right, yay!

Piggy: That's the way it's done, boys. Oh, Lynda!

Lynda: Miss Piggy! Hi, I just want you to know that you look absolutely wonderful in that costume.

Piggy: Ah-ha, merci. Hah-hah. Aren't you sorry that, uh, you didn't bring your suit?

Lynda: Well, uh... no.

Kermit: Okay, next number. The next number is next!

"The Whiffenpoof Song"

Kermit: Okay, well, that last sketch must have please you poultry lovers. So, here's something for the sheep fanciers!

"The Whiffenpoof Song"

Super Sheep: This looks like a job for Super Sheep!

Backstage

Scooter: Okay, here we go!

Kermit: Oh, they're still at it.

Scooter: You superheroes ready up there?

Fozzie: Yep, all set.

Gonzo: You betcha.

Lew: [indiscernible]

Link: Stop pushing.

Scooter: Okay. Chapter ten. How to Fly.

Kermit: Eek, I can't watch this.

Scooter: Flying is a simple matter of belief. Anyone can fly as long as he believes that he can. Stand at the very top of a tall ladder and say to yourself, "I was born to fly".

Gonzo/Fozzie/Lew/Link: I was born to fly.

Scooter: The air is my home.

Gonzo/Fozzie/Lew/Link: The air is my home.

Scooter: Now that you believe that, step off the ladder and float to the ceiling.

[they all scream and fall]

Scooter: Fortunately, superheroes never feel pain.

[all crying out in pain]

"Orange Colored Sky"

Kermit: Okay, here once again is our special guest star who will be joined in song and silliness by our own super goofs. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Lynda Carter, yay!

"Orange Colored Sky"

Goodnights

Kermit: Okay, well, we seem to have survived another one, largely due to our really terrific guest star. Ladies and gentlemen, Lynda Carter, yay!

Lynda: You know, I just want to thank you very much because this has definitely been one of the worst experiences I have...

Kermit: [terrified]

Lynda: No, I'm just kidding you. I have had a fabulous time! Great. As a matter of fact, I think that we came through this with flying colors, don't you?

Scooter: Oh, more than that. We got through it with flying Muppets!

[everyone flies in on stage]

Kermit: Will you stop that?

Lynda: You guys are all crazy!

Kermit: Well, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

"Closing Theme"

Waldorf: Good grief! You've turned into...

Statler: Money Man!

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