Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Christopher Reeve? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Christopher.
Chris Oh, thanks a lot, Scooter. Hey listen, can you tell me what these rats are doing in my dressing room?
Scooter I think it's the fox trot.
Chris Gee, most starts get groupies. I get rats. (grins)


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Christopher Reeve! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler You know, if this show was an airplane, it would have been grounded. (laughs with Waldorf)
When Gonzo blows his trumpet, he becomes surrounded by rats.
Gonzo Aw, rats.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause, dressed in a robe.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Hi ho, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. And do we have a show for you! Well, as a matter of fact, we do. (nods) Yes, and our guest star tonight is none other than that fantastic film star, the man who plays Superman, Mr. Christopher Reeve! (audience aahs) Yes. But, right now it's opening number time, and the opening number happens to star me — which is why I'm dressed this way. So, uh, what can I say but, uh, let's hear it for me, yaay!
On a set dressed as a swamp, Kermit, dressed in a leisure suit, joins some frogs and an alligator singing "Disco Frog". Kermit hops among the lily pads in full-body shots with the help of puppeteers dressed in black.
Waldorf I liked that tune, how about you?
Statler I like New York in June, how about you?
Both (humming "How About You")


Kermit and the frogs come backstage, where there is a telephone booth.
Kermit Okay, way to go, frogs. Nice going, alligators, and not bad, me. (looks over the rundown) Nope, not too terrifically terrible.
Piggy enters through the stage door.
Miss Piggy I'm back. I'm back, everyone. Oh, Kermie. Kermie? Oh, I'm back.
Kermit Hey Piggy, where have you been? 'Cause the show has already started.
Miss Piggy Oh, Kermie. Well, I-I just stepped out to pick up a costume for my number tonight.
Kermit Oh yeah. Well, what's so special about this number?
Miss Piggy Oh, well Kermie — I am singing "Never Before".
Kermit Oh. Oh yeah, mm-hmm.
Miss Piggy Remember? In The Muppet Movie? I sang it to vous.
Kermit Mm-hmm.
Miss Piggy It was so romantic. In the moonlight. Oh, Kermie. (embraces him) Remember? Remember? Oh. We snuggled together.
Kermit Mm-hmm. Ah. Uh, Piggy, you'll get to sing the song again right after the guest star spot.
Miss Piggy Oh, good. Well, who's the guest star?
Kermit Uh, Christopher Reeve.
She drops Kermit to the floor, then picks him up.
Miss Piggy Christopher Reeve? Christopher "Perfect Body" Reeve?
Kermit Mm-hmm.
She throws Kermit to the wall and runs off.
Miss Piggy Oh! Chrissy! Chrissy, I'm coming!
Kermit Uh, gee. She never called me "Perfect Body".

Scene from Hamlet

Main stage. Gonzo peeks from behind the curtain, with a bandaged nose.
Gonzo Kermit! Where's Kermit? Kermit!
Kermit Gonzo?! You're supposed to be doing the first act of William Shakespeare's Hamlet while hanging from your nose!
Gonzo I can't go on.
Kermit Why not?
Gonzo I sprained my nose.
Kermit Well, how did that happen?
Gonzo Rehearsing with heavy shoes.
Kermit But, uh, listen, we — we rented the scenery and the costumes and everything. Scooter!
Scooter Yeah, boss?
Kermit Do we have anybody else backstage that can play Hamlet?
Scooter Well, there's Chris Reeve. He's real good. And he's not busy until Vet's Hospital.
Kermit Good thought. Just stall for me, would you?
Scooter Stall?
Kermit Chris?
Kermit runs backstage and encounters Chris reading a comic book with the rats.
Kermit Oh, it's Christopher Reeve! Yeah!
Chris Hey, Kermit.
Kermit Uh, listen. Are you doing anything special right now, Chris?
Chris No, I'm just hanging around the phone booth in case trouble breaks out.
Kermit Uh, heh-heh, yeah. Well listen, it just did. And I was wondering if you'd like to fill in for Gonzo's Hamlet spot.
Chris Hamlet?
Kermit Mm-hmm. Wouldn't you like to play Hamlet?
Chris No.
Kermit But, every actor wants to play Hamlet.
Chris No, not really.
Kermit Well, this is your big chance then!
Chris Okay!
Kermit Yeah, but you'll have to wear tights.
Chris Hm. (aside) Well, it won't be the first time. Okay. (stands in front of the phone booth) Oh. Maybe I should change. (wink)
He enters the phone booth, ducks down, and re-emerges dressed in Shakespearean garb.
Chris I am ready. You may introduce me, my good frog.
Kermit (stammers) Uh, yes sir. Right.
Kermit runs back onstage.
Kermit Okay, thank you very much, Scooter. (shoves him away)
Scooter You're welcome.
Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen, the soliloquy from Hamlet. And filling in for the ailing Great Gonzo, here is the equally great — if not better or possibly only a little worse than — Mr. Christopher Reeve, yaaay!
The curtain opens on a castle. Chris emerges to a fanfare. Fozzie sits inside with a reference book.
Chris To be, or not to be. That is the... um...
Fozzie "Question".
Chris Not now.
Fozzie No, no, no, that's your line.
Chris I know. Ahem. To be or not to be — that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune…
He mimics removing an arrow from his chest. Beauregard enters with a skull.
Beauregard Excuse me, Mr. Hamlet. Do you want this now?
Chris Upon what grounds do you disturb my soliloquy?
Beauregard Well, it's time for my coffee break.
Chris Coffee grounds? Argh!
Beauregard Please don't be mad, Mr. Hamlet.
Chris I'm not mad. I'm acting. Let me see. (takes skull) Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio.
Fozzie Uh, terrific.
Chris A fellow of infinite jest. Ha! And most excellent fancy. (sets down the skull)
Yorick Fancy? Ma always said I was the plain one.
Chris And, ahem, he hath borne me on his back a thousand times.
Yorick Well, if you ask me, I'm still carrying the whole scene. Why don't you guys sing?
Chris Hamlet doesn't sing.
Link Hey, I can sing.
Chris You're not Hamlet.
Link Oh, no. Well, listen. Hamlet was my nickname back when I was a little porker. (laughs)
Yorick Listen, I don't usually perform with amateurs.
Chris Amateurs, eh? Ha! I'll show you.
He takes the skull and tosses it through a basket.
Link Oh, good shot!
Fozzie picks up the skull.
Fozzie Wow! Hey, that's Hamlet: 2, audience: nothing. Hey guys, I really don't think we're ready for Shakespeare.
Yorick Yeah well, he's not ready for you either.
Link (laughs)
Fozzie Song cue!
Chris / Link / Yorick You're welcome!
They all proceed with a rendition of "Brush Up Your Shakespeare".
Waldorf You know, I'll always regret that I didn't study Shakespeare when I was a kid.
Statler When you were a kid, you could have talked to Shakespeare. (cracks up)

Dressing room

Kermit: Oh, let's see. I'd better tell Piggy that her Vet's Hospital sketch is coming up next. Oh, her door is ajar.

Piggy: Oh, Christopher. You great, big, beautiful hunk, you. Foo-Foo, do you have mumsie's autographed picture of Chrissy? Come, bring to mumsie. C'mon Foo-foo-kins. Yes, that's a good dog. Come to mumsie. Oh. Give to mumsie. Oh, what a goodums, doggie.

Kermit: I don't believe this.

Piggy: Mwah! Let's see now, where can we put his picture? Um, there's no place. Ha, what a clever little Foo-Foo. Oh, Christopher. Oh, you beautiful brute.

Kermit: Gee. She never called me a beautiful brute.

Muppet newsflash

The Newsman: Here is a Muppet News Flash. Police announced today that a killer lamb had escaped from the Department of Agriculture's maximum security sheep station. This lamb is one of a new kind of sheep that has been bred to hunt wolves and is extremely dangerous.

Sheep: Baa-aa.

Newsman: Uh, this killer lamb has been trained to attack at the sound of a bell.

phone rings

Sheep: Baa-aa-aa!

Newsman: Hello?

Sheep: Baa-aa-aa!

Newsman: Aaaah!

Veterinarian's Hospital

The Announcer: Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital. The continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.

Rowlf: Hey, wait a minute. I'm not supposed to be the patient.

Piggy: Today you're getting a dose of your own medicine.

Rowlf: Yeah, but my medicine tastes bad.

Janice: Well, bad taste never bothered you before.

Rowlf: Okay, okay. Who's going to be the doctor?

Piggy: Dr. Reeve! Oh, Chrissy! Chrissy.

Chris: Sorry I'm late, nurse. My caddy collapsed on the seventeenth hole.

Rowlf: Hey, listen. What kind of doctor are you anyway?

Chris: I'm a G.P.

Piggy: Yes, a Gorgeous Person.

Chris: Please, Nurse Piggy, stop panting. You're fogging my mirror.

Piggy: I can't help it. I love you!

Chris: Thank you. Let's see now. Oh, looks bad. I'm going to operate.

Rowlf: Oh, no, no.

Chris: Oh, come now. This won't hurt a bit.

Rowlf: It'll hurt this bit if you don't get laughs with it.

Chris: Well, I'm not trying to get laughs. I don't want to set a precedent on the show.

Rowlf: Touché, touché.

Chris: Now, just relax. I'll have you fixed in no time.

Rowlf: Please! Never say "fixed" to a dog.

Chris: Well, anyway. You won't feel any pain. I'm going to put you to sleep.

Rowlf: No, never say "put to sleep" to a dog.

Piggy: This has gone far enough. Chrissy, let's go to the nurse's lounge and...

Chris: Yes?

Piggy: Lounge!

Announcer: And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Reeve say...

Chris: Wait a minute, I'm not going to be here next week.

Piggy: You mean you're leaving?

Chris: Faster than a speeding bullet.

Piggy/Janice/Rowlf: Oooooh!

UK spot

Sam the Eagle: Ugh, this show is disgusting. Get away. Get away. I'm going to write to someone important and put a stop to it.

Floyd Pepper: scatting... tune... croon... they call it "Sam's Song".

Sam: Dear sir, this show is sick and weird.

Floyd: Catchy as can be, the melody, they call it Sam's Song.

Sam: That is not my song. I do not have a song.

Floyd/Janice: Nothing on your mind, and then you find, they call it Sam's Song.

Sam: There are— get off the table! There are rats here.

Floyd/Janice: While it makes you grin, gets under your skin, as only a song can do. People that you meet, out on the street, are whistling Sam's Song.

Sam: Don't whistle! Oh no.

Floyd/Janice: Everyone you see, will seem to be, they call it Sam's Song.

Sam: There is a thing whistling here.

Floyd/Janice/Bo: So forget your trouble and wear a smile, you'll find you'll never go wrong.

Sam: I would suggest to have someone come and fumigate...

Floyd/Janice/Bo: ...a happy tune, they call it Sam's Song.

Sam: There's a lump playing harmonica. Get away! There are vermin here.

Floyd/Janice/Bo: So forget your troubles and wear a smile, you'll find you'll never go wrong. If you learn to croon a happy tune, they call it Sam's Song.

Sam: Alright, out, out, out! Get out, all of you!

Sam: humming "Sam's Song"

Kermit: Hey, Sam. That's a nice song. What is that.

Sam. Oh. I don't know. Something called "Fred's Song".

Kermit: Hmm. That's very pretty.

Sam: No, it's not.

Dressing room

Chris: Okay, let's see now. Did that one. And... Oh, hey this is going to be good.

Piggy: Oh, Christopher. May I have a word avec vous?

Chris: Mais oui, bien ci, entrere.

Piggy: What?

Chris: Come in.

Piggy: Oh, thanks.

Chris: Listen guys, I'll see you later, okay? Thanks a lot. Bye!

Piggy: Yucka. Move it! Oh, Christopher!

Chris: Hi, Miss Piggy.

Piggy: Yes, you were wonderful in that last sketch.

Chris: Aw, c'mon.

Piggy: Tell me, how did you get a job as Superman? Did someone see you lifting weights, or— wha-haa-haa!

Chris: Huh? Lifting weights? No, no, no. I just auditioned for the part. You know, like a lot of other actors.

Piggy: Uh-huh.

Chirs: But, uh, you know, strength really had nothing to do with it.

Piggy: You're certain about that? Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Chris: I didn't bring it.

Piggy: Oh. Pity. Oh, how exciting it is to be in the same dressing room with the world's strongest man.

Chris: Miss Piggy, come on now, I mean, I tell ya, being strong had nothing to do with getting the part. I mean, I've just been lucky so far. Well, knock on wood. Whoops. Heh.

Piggy: Christopher?

Chris: Yeah.

Piggy: Remember in the movie when you held Lois Lane?

Chris: Mm-hmm.

Piggy: Could you use my body as a visual demonstration?

Chris: Well, I just put my arm around her.

Piggy: Show me. Yes.

Chris: Yeah.

Piggy: And the other arm, where?

Chris: Yeah, the other arm, too.

Piggy: And you held her tighter...

Chris: Well, I had to. Because otherwise she'd fall, right?

Piggy: Tighter.

Chris: Yeah. Sort of like that.

Piggy: Tighter.

Kermit: Uh, uh, excuse me, Chris.

Chris: Hi, Kermit.

Piggy: Oh, Kermie! Um. Um. Christopher here was showing me how to... he was... what were you doing?

Chris: Well, I was just showing her how I held Lois Lane in the movie.

Piggy: In the movie. Lois Lane. Yes. Mm-hmm.

Kermit: That's the worst explanation I've ever heard.

Chris: Boy. He looked kind of jealous.

Piggy: Oh, he always looks jealous. That's his natural color.


"The Toreador Song"

Muppet Labs

Bunsen: Oh! Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today. Well, my assistant Beaker is bringing in Old Bossie here because today we're going to test Muppets Labs' latest invention: the electrically heated milking machine. Yes, cows just love sliding into a warm, cozy milking machine on these frosty mornings, don't they Beaker? Oh, Beakie-poo, that's not funny! You'll get dandruff in the milk. Why, Beaker. You're hauntingly attractive today.

Piggy's duet

Kermit: And now, ladies and gentlemen, here is Miss Piggy to sing "Never Before and Never Again", a song that means a lot to the two of us. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Piggy, yaaay!

Piggy: Never before....

Rowlf: Ow!

Piggy: Oh, Rowlfie, I hope I did not hurt your pawsie-wawsies.

Rowlf: Argh.

Kermit: Piggy, what happened to Rowlf?

Piggy: Well, I do not know. Someone must have blown a doggie whistle.

Kermit: Well, well, what do we do about a pianist?

Piggy: Um, do you think possibly Christopher could play piano for me?

Kermit: Why not? He does everything else. Oh, Chris?

Chris: Now what?

Kermit: Uh, Piggy wants you to play piano for her.

Chris: Play the piano for her? What do you think, guys? Play the piano? Yeah? Yeah? Okay. I'm game for anything. Boy, I'll tell you something, this is quite a phone booth. How about that, huh?

Kermit: Nice. Nice.

Chris: Okay. Oh, listen. If anybody calls while I'm out, take a number, I'll call back. Super Rat? You're in charge.

Kermit: Super Rat?

Piggy: Oooh! Oh, oh, oh, um, ladies and gentlemen, to accompany moi on the piano — ready, Chrissy? — ahem, Mr. Christopher Reeve!

Chris: Thank you, Miss Piggy. What are we doing, um, "Never Before, Never Again"?

Piggy: Uh, no. I have an especiale song for us.

Chris: Uh, "East of the Sun (and West of the Moon)".

Piggy: Mm-hmm.

Chris: I don't think I know this one.

Piggy: Just, uh, play, perfect body.

Chris: I'll try.

Piggy: That my note? Ah, thank you.

"East of the Sun (and West of the Moon)"

Piggy: Oh, Chrissy. Please, sweep me up and fly me over the towers of Metropolis, please?

Chris: Now?

Piggy: Yes, yes, now, please?

Chris: Oh, okay Miss Piggy, but just a short trip, alright?

Piggy: I'm ready. Away!

Chris: Heh.

Piggy: Away!

Chris: Gee, I'm sorry Miss Piggy, I don't think I can manage. Maybe if you gained a few pounds.

Piggy: Just shut up and sing, Reeve.

"East of the Sun (and West of the Moon)"


Kermit: Okay, well we've done the beginning and the middle, so say hello to the end. Uh, and it's been a wonderful especially since our guest star has been Mr. Christopher Reeve, yaaay!

Chris: Gee, thanks a lot, Kermit. Boy I'll tell ya, you guys are crazy, but I had a great time.

Kermit: Oh, good. Well, listen. Uh, tell me the truth, Chris.

Chris: Yeah.

Kermit: You really could have lifted Miss Piggy if you tried, couldn't you?

Chris: Are you kidding? Usually I have to lift locomotives and some of them are even heavier than she is.

Kermit: Ohh!

Piggy: I heard that Reeve, hi-ya!

Kermit: He really is the Man of Steel! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

Waldorf: Well, this has been an evening to remember.

Statler: Why?

Waldorf: I forgot.

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