Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter Jonathan Winters? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Winters.
Jonathan Please, why do they do this to me? There's no time for that. Don't you know there's an old gypsy? And she's put a curse on the performance. I just can't appear tonight. I can't appear, I tell ya.
Scooter But sir, there's no gypsy curse.
Jonathan Oh, yeah. It's always people like you that say, (mocks him) "There's no gypsy curse!" Well, there is a gypsy curse! I saw her in the alley. Frightening woman with hair clear out to here. One eye, that tells you something, a one-eyed woman. She looked like she'd been hit from the back real hard. It just — OOM! popped out.
Jonathan She said "There's a curse on this show!" What does it take — to believe me?
Scooter Um, gee, I …
The hatrack falls on Scooter.
Jonathan Huh? Well?
Scooter (gets up, dazed) That'll do fine.
Jonathan Glad you took the brunt of it.


Opening number


Prop comedy


"On Her Doorstep Last Night"

Dressing room

Bear on Patrol

The opening sequence plays.
Announcer Ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol.
Open on Link stamping papers. Fozzie enters, teetering, with an octopus stuck to his head.
Fozzie Whooaaaaa, gotcha— I gotcha. Come here.
Link Hogthrob Patrol Bear?
Fozzie Yes sir!
Link Hogthrob Listen, would you get back in uniform before I put you on report? That is not regulation headgear.
Fozzie Nope, this is my prisoner. Sir! (struggles more) I caught him picking pockets at the aquarium.
Link Hogthrob Did you catch him wet-handed? (chuckles)
Fozzie Terrific. (struggles more)
Link Hogthrob Listen, Patrol Bear, I want you to book him.
Fozzie Wha-how? How do you mean, how's that?
Link Hogthrob Well, you know, take a set of fingerprints.
Fozzie Wha — ah — where do I start?
Link Hogthrob Well, you start with the pinky.
Fozzie (struggles more) I don't think he has a pinky — I think they're all greenies. Whoa! Whoaaaaa!
Link Hogthrob He must have a pinky. Where would he wear his pinky ring?
Fozzie Sir, could you just get another patrol — AAHH! (struggles more) Please don't — wait, wait —
Fozzie tries his best to get a tentacle-print from the octopus. The phone rings. Link answers it.
Fozzie Sir, could you — WAUGH! (struggles more on the floor)
Link Hogthrob Hello? Yeah. What? Hmm. Is that right?
Fozzie Help! I just — please, could we talk about this?
Link Hogthrob Okay. (hangs up) Um … something more important has just come up, Patrol Bear. I want you to release — Patrol Bear … uh, would you release that prisoner, please?
The octopus pins Fozzie down again.
Link Hogthrob You see, that call was from the aquarium. I want you to go over there and check it out. Somebody stole a valuable octopus.
The octopus gets up, now wearing Fozzie's uniform.
Octopus Check, chief! (exits)
Fozzie gets up, dazed, sans clothing.
Fozzie I … y'see …
He looks down, yelps, covers himself and ducks down.
Fozzie Check, chief. (exits)

UK spot

Muppet Labs

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Ahem. Oh. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, I have good news for you world travelers who are always struggling with cumbersome luggage. Introducing the new Muppet Labs luggage compressor. My assistant, Beaker, will demonstrate.
Beaker enters, wearing a mini sombrero and holding a suitcase, humming "Aloha Oe."
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Okay, Beaker, I see you've dressed like a tourist to make the demonstration more realistic. Very cute. All right, put the bag on.
He puts it on the conveyor belt.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Okay.
The suitcase is moved into the unit. Loud, thumping noises are heard -- klunk-klunk-klunk. Bunsen goes to the other end, where the suitcase comes out, flat as a pancake.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh. Very good! Now, my assistant Beaker will show you, that it also works on large luggage like a steamer trunk.
Beaker struggles with the heavy trunk. He protests at first.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh, come on, Beaker, give it the old college try.
The gypsy watches from the wings, giggling. Beaker struggles with the suitcase, but ends up on the conveyor belt. In he goes, into the machine, klunk-klunk-klunk … and comes out flat as a pancake.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew And that's all from Muppet Labs.
Beaker (whimpers)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Come on, Beaker. Uncle Bunny will just put you in an envelope and mail you to the hospital.
Beaker (whimpers)

Dressing room

"You'll Never Walk Alone"


"English Country Garden"


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