|Kermit||It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Dizzy Gillespie! Yaaay!|
|The curtain opens, and the theme begins.|
|Statler's seat is empty.|
|Waldorf||(shrugs) Poor Statler. He couldn't take it any more.|
|Gonzo plays a racing fanfare, then laughs.|
|Kermit enters to applause.|
|Kermit||Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Hi ho and welcome to another one! Uh, we call these things "Muppet Shows," and we call tonight's Muppet Show a good one, and that's because our very special guest star is the amazing master of jazz, Mr. Dizzy Gillespie! Why, tonight even Statler and Waldorf will have a good time.|
|Waldorf||Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit! He's sick!|
|Kermit||Oh, that's too bad. The flu?|
|Waldorf||No, the show! He's sick of it! (laughs)|
|Kermit||(grimaces) Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?|
|Waldorf||Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.|
|Kermit||No kidding? I've always wanted to meet your wife.|
|Waldorf's wife, Astoria, arrives and takes her seat in the box. She bears a striking resemblance to someone...|
|Astoria||I thought the show had started! Who's the frog?|
|Waldorf||(stammering) That's Kermit, dear.|
|Kermit||What's your wife's name, Waldorf?|
|Kermit||(grimacing to the camera) It figures.|
|Astoria||C'mon, kill the small talk! Isn't there any music on this show?|
|Kermit||Oh, yes indeed, Astoria! Uh, uh, in honor of Dizzy Gillespie, we present an all-jazz evening, starting with-|
|Astoria||Can the commentary! (to the orchestra) Hit it, boys! One, two three..|
|A Fish Singer sings "Blue Fish Blues," backed up the Gills Brothers.|
|Astoria||Now, let me get this straight. This is a typical show, right, Waldorf?|
|Waldorf||Well, I'd say so, Astoria, my dear.|
|Astoria||Hm. First a frog talks, and then a fish sings.|
|Waldorf||Mmm-hmmm. I wanted you to see for yourself. I bet you thought I came here to have a good time! (both laugh)|
|Kermit enters the stage to a fanfare.|
|Kermit||Okay, ladies and gentlemen, one of the living legends of jazz is with us tonight. Uh, there's no sense talking about it when we could be listening. Here he is ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Dizzy Gillespie, yaaay!|
|Dizzy sings "St. Louis Blues," backed up by the Electric Mayhem. He takes a break to play the trumpet and lead the band in some clapping.|
|Waldorf||Well, what did you think of that, poopsie?|
|Astoria||Well, not too bad.|
|Astoria||I can understand why you keep doing it, week after week.|
|Astoria||By the way, how much do they pay you?|
|Waldorf||(stammers) Pay me?|
|Astoria||Of course! Can you imagine some poor, stupid turkey doing this for nothing? (laughs)|
|Waldorf||(laughs nervously) ...gobble, gobble.|
|Zoot and Floyd sit on a city sidewalk bench, playing a jazz riff. Slim Wilson happens by.|
|Slim||Hey, do you know how to get to Carnegie Hall?|
|Floyd||Practice, man. Practice. (laughs with Zoot)|
|Zoot||The old ones are the best ones.|
|Slim shakes his head and leaves.|
|Kermit comes onstage to applause and fanfare.|
|Kermit||Ta-da! Uh, thank you. Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen, here we present Geri and the Atrics! Yaaay! (curtains open)|
|Pianist||One, two, three, and...|
|Geri and the Atricts perform "Do Wah Diddy Diddy."|
|Dizzy, Floyd and Zoot perform "Little Bit of Dis."|
|Astoria||Oh, honestly, Waldorf. I don't understand you. Why do you come here and put up with this irritating, mindless, incessant nonsense when you could stay home with me?|
|Waldorf||Eh, no comment.|
LaBrea: Uh, Mr. Frog... Mr. Frog, do you have a permit to keep livestock?
Kermit: Uh, livestock?
LaBrea: Uh, yes. When I was backstage, I noticed sixteen chickens, six horses, four goats, eight hogs...
Piggy: Excuse moi. Kermie, may I speak with vous, uh, incognito?
Kermit: Sure, wherever you want. Excuse us a second.
LaBrea: Uh, yeah.
Piggy: This the inspector you want me to charm?
Kermit: Yeah, but I don't think this is a particularly good time.
Piggy: Kermie, mon cherie, do not worry about a thing. Ahem. Yoo-hoo! I do not believe that we have met.
LaBrea: Uh, no we haven't. I'm Inspector LaBrea.
Piggy: Ooh! Kermie, you silly. You did not tell me the inspector was such a handsome man. As you know, I am Miss Piggy.
LaBrea: Right. Add to that list, one sow.
LaBrea: Sow. You know, rhymes with cow. Ha ha ha ha.
Kermit: Uh, Piggy...
Piggy: Oh yeah? Rhyme this! Hi-yaah! Oh, shut up!
|Animal joins Zoot and Floyd by the bench, making a drumset out of the fire hydrant and trashcans. They start jamming together.|
|A window above opens, where an old woman (Mary Louise) appears.|
|Woman||Hey! Hey you, down there! Hey!|
|The musicians stop playing.|
|Woman||Do you know there's a littl' old lady sleepin' up here?!|
|Zoot||No, but hum a few bars and we'll fake it! (laughs with Zoot)|
|Animal||(singing) There's a little lady sleeping up here!|
Fozzie's comedy act
Kermit: Ta-da! Uh, thank you. And now, have I got good news for you.
Astoria: That inspector is closing the show.
Astoria: Then, you don't have good news for us.
Kermit: Say, you're as bad as the two old geezers.
Waldorf: Why not? She's a geezer-ess.
Kermit: Okay, so welcome if you will, the Muppet Show's own cut and clownish, cuddly king of comedy, Fozzie Bear!
Fozzie: Hiyah, hiyah, hiyah, hi, wocka, wocka, wocka! Hey, did you hear the one about the lady who went to the psychiatrist and said, "doctor, my husband thinks he's a refrigerator." And the doctor says, "well, don't worry about it." And the woman said...
Astoria: "I have to. He sleeps with his mouth open and the little light keeps me awake." [laughs] Very funny!
Fozzie: Uh, yeah. Um, moving right along. Alright, same lady, right? Good. Goes in the psychiatrist's office, says, "doctor, my husband thinks he's a transistor radio." And the doctor says, "Well, have him come in. We'll talk about it." And the woman says...
Astoria: "He can't talk, his batteries are dead!" [laughs] Oh, this guys is a riot!
Fozzie: I am?
Astoria: Let's hear it for Fozzie Bear!
Fozzie: Thank you, thank you, thank you! You've been a very funny audience, I've really enjoyed listening to you, aah! What happened? Where did I go right?
Astoria: I thought he'd never leave!
|Back at the bench, Zoot and Floyd play their jazz riff, when a man comes up behind the bench.|
|Man||Uh, 'scuse me. Eh, cross town buses run all night?|
|Floyd and Zoot||(a-la "Camptown Races") Doo-dah, doo-dah!|
LaBrea: Well, what's next on the show?
Kermit: Uh, just the closing musical number.
LaBrea: Uh, no trumpets, right? Because if this thing goes off one more time...
Kermit: I know, I know, you're gonna cancel the show. Uh, no, it's just a, um, well, it's, uh... it's just an encore by our, our violinist.
LaBrea: Oh yeah, yeah, good. Well, okay, I'm gonna stay here and watch it.
Kermit: [gulp] Right here?
LaBrea: Yeah, what's his name? Uh, Izzy something? Uh, uh...
Kermit: No, in actuality, it's... it's Dizzy Gillespie.
LaBrea: Dizzy Gillespie?! That's terrific!
Kermit: It is?
Kermit: B-but, he plays trumpet.
LaBrea: He sure does. The guy's my all time favorite. Hey, do me a favor. Let me sit in with him. I play a little saxophone.
Kermit: Gee, well, uh, why, fine, if you'll forget your recorder there.
LaBrea: Uh, what recorder?
|Kermit enters the stage.|
|Kermit||Okay, ladies and gentlemen, it's jazz time again. And joining our guest star on this final session is Inspector LaBrea, the Swinging Civil Servant. Ahem. Uh, and here he is, our guest star with one of his great tunes, Mr. Dizzy Gillespie, yaay!|
|In a Middle Eastern palace, Dizzy sings "Swing Low Sweet Cadillac" as he plays the bongos and later, the trumpet. He's joined by Animal, Janice, Floyd, Sopwith the Camel, a sultan, two harem girls and LaBrea, who plays saxophone during the instrumental portion.|
Kermit: Okay, well, we've done just about all we wanted to do except to say thank you to our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, one of the giants of jazz, Mr. Dizzy Gillespie, yaay!
Dizzy: Thank you, Kermit. And I want you to know how much I admire you frogs.
Kermit: You, you admire us frogs? Why is that?
Dizzy: Because you all can do this [expands cheeks]
Kermit: I can't do that! All I can do is say we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
Kermit: How did you do that? Oh, that's wonderful!
Waldorf and Astoria: Boo!
LaBrea: That's it, the show is cancelled!
Waldorf and Astoria: Yaay!