Episode 411: Lola Falana/transcript

Cold open

	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter	Lola Falana? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Lola.
Lola	Thank you. (on phone) Tell them I'm sick. Anything. Just get me out of it!
Scooter	Huh?
Lola	Oh — sorry, Scooter, uh, just talking to my agent.
Scooter	Ah.
Lola	What did you say?
Scooter	Uh, I said "fifteen seconds to curtain".
Lola	Thank you, darling.
Scooter	Uh-huh. (exits)
Lola	(on phone) You gotta work fast, Bernie. You've only got fifteen seconds.

Theme

Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Lola Falana! Yaaayyy!
	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler	Hey, don't start on our account! (laughs with Waldorf)
	Gonzo blows his trumpet triumphantly.
Gonzo	Hah. I give autographs after the show.

Opening number

	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Thank you, thank you, hi-ho and welcome to The Muppet Show! And it's going to be a great show tonight, because our special guest star is the wonderful singer, dancer and comedienne, Miss Lola Falana! (whistles from the audience) But first, I have an important announcement to make. Tonight is the last show for Gonzo the Great. (Audience: "Awww.") Uh, Gonzo, come on out here.
	Applause as he comes out.
Gonzo	Thank you. Thank you. (blows a kiss) Love ya. Yes. It is true, this is it, Kerm.
Kermit	Uh, yes, folks, believe it or not, Gonzo is leaving us — he's going to Bombay, India, to become a movie star.
Gonzo	(sigh) Yep. I got an offer from 20th Century Chicken.
Kermit	Uh, Gonzo, we wish you all the luck in the world.
Gonzo	Well, thanks, Kerm. Hey, listen, I want you know, I'm never going to forget all you little people I met along the way.
Kermit	(frowns) Uh … uh, thanks.
Gonzo	It ain't nuttin', really. (exits)
Kermit	True. Anyhow, here for Gonzo's last show is an opening number by his favorite people, the Muppet chickens! Yaaaay!
	Open on a chicken coop. The chickens sing "Pick a Little, Talk a Little." Gonzo shows up near the end to sing "Goodnight, Ladies," proffering a touching farewell to his harem.
Waldorf	Uh, you know, it's too bad Gonzo's leaving the show.
Statler	Yeah. I can think of some other people I'd rather see leave the show.
Waldorf	Who?
Statler	Me!
	They chuckle.

Backstage

	The heartbroken chickens pass Kermit.
Chicken (KM)	I just can't believe he's leaving.
Kermit	Uh, watch the crying, girls. You'll get depressed and start to molt. (through the intercom) Okay, the one-octopus band onstage please!
Kermit	Okay, Herbie, get out there. Get out there. Move it, move it, move it.
Miss Piggy	The little blue geek got a movie deal?!? (Kermit nods) Oh, Kermit, how — (spots Gonzo with Camilla) Oh, Gonzo! Hah — Gonzo, dear … Yes.
Gonzo	Oh, hi, Miss Piggy. Camilla, why don't I meet you up in the dressing room, honey? (shoves her off) Love you, babe! Hahahah.
Miss Piggy	Oh, boy. Uh — Gonzo, I was just talking about you.
Kermit	Yeah, in fact she said you were a little blue g—
Miss Piggy	Uh, Kermit, uh, don't you have to go onstage and wave your arms, or something?
Kermit	Uh, uh, sure. Hahahaha. (waves arms and goes onstage) Whoo!
Miss Piggy	"Hahahaha." Uh, Gonzo, uh, I am just so proud of you and your movie deal.
Gonzo	Oh. Well, I guess it was just in the cards, M.P.
Miss Piggy	(holds back hostility) Yes, yes, and um, I just uh, want you to know that uh, at your movie studio, if you should ever happen upon a producer, who is looking for a … ahem … sex goddess …
Gonzo	Yes, I'll know just who to call.
Miss Piggy	Ahem. Thank you.
Gonzo	Camilla.
Miss Piggy	WHAT?
Gonzo	That little chickie babe is dynamite! She makes most movie queens look like pigs! (runs off)
Miss Piggy	DON'T COME BACK, TURKEY-TWIT! (grimaces)
	The octopus walks past her. She karate-chops him.
Miss Piggy	Hi-YAH!

"He's the Greatest Dancer"

	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit	Okay. Well, it's guess star time, and stand by for a great one. Here she is, one of the top all-around entertainers in the business, Lola Falana! YAAAY!
	Lola, the Muppet Monsters, and Fletcher Bird dance and sing "He's the Greatest Dancer". Gonzo joins them, until Fletcher kicks him offstage. Applause.
Waldorf	Ah, do you ever go to those dances?
Statler	Dance? I got a slipped disc-o.
	They chuckle.
Waldorf	"Slipped disc-o!" (laughs)

Backstage

	Gonzo consoles Camilla.
Gonzo	Aww, Camilla, Camilla, Camilla, love ya, baby. Hey. As soon as I get my mansion and limousine, I'm a-gonna send for ya.
Camilla	(swoons)
Gonzo	Oh, yes.
	The dancers pass by Kermit.
Kermit	Okay, everybody. Lola, that was great.
Lola	Thank you, thank you, Kermit, but I couldn't have done it without Gonzo. Gonzo, baby, put it here.
Gonzo	Huh?
Lola	Right here. (shakes his nose) I tell you, I have worked with of the biggest, but you're right up there with the best, no doubt. (goes upstairs) Oh, and don't forget to stop by my dressing room. I want to give you my phone number.
Gonzo	Hey, I'll be there, babe.
	Camilla clucks angrily, punches Gonzo and walks off.
Kermit	Oh, Gonzo, you gotta get onstage to do your last number for us.
Gonzo	Oh, sure, babe. Heh. I gotta admit though, it's gonna seem strange not workin' for ya, K.F.
Kermit	(frowns) Uh, it's gonna be strange for us too, Gonzo.
Gonzo	Still, no regrets.
Kermit	Hmm.
Gonzo	Well, one regret.
Kermit	Oh?
Gonzo	I never did my masterpiece act for you.
Kermit	Uh, what's that?
Gonzo	I sing "Top Hat" while dancing in a vat of oatmeal.
Kermit	Uh, it's an act worthy of your talent, Gonzo.
Gonzo	And of your show.
Kermit	(frowns) Touché. (goes onstage)

"My Way"

	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit	Uh, well,m folks, as I've already told you, our master of culture and violence is moving on to other things. Uh, so let's give a big warm hand for this, his farewell appearance on The Muppet Show, Gonzo the Great.
	The curtain opens on an empty stage. Gonzo leans against an apple box and sings "My Way". Midway through the song, he breaks down crying.
Kermit	Gonzo? Are you okay, Gonzo? It's just a song.
Gonzo	I know. It's not the song. I just don't want to go.
Kermit	Yeah, but you're going to go out and make movies.
Gonzo	(sigh) I want to go there. I just don't want to leave here.
Kermit	Well — you had a choice to make, Gonzo, and … and you made it, and it was a good choice.
Gonzo	I know.
Kermit	I don't like long goodbyes, Gonzo, so uh …
	Kermit reaches his hand out to shake Gonzo's. Gonzo hugs Kermit.
Kermit	Take care of yourself, Gonzo.
Gonzo	You, too. (sniffles)
Kermit	(to camera) Uh, we — we've had a little change of plans. Uh — I think we'd better just take a break.
	He exits with his arm around Gonzo's shoulder.

UK spot

	Camilla and the chickens sing "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair". Camilla pecks Gonzo's picture and rips it off the wall. Applause.
Statler	Well, he's actually gone. Will we ever forget him?
Waldorf	Who?
Statler	You know, uh, uh … what's-his-name.
	They chuckle.

Backstage

	Gonzo stands by the stage door, forlorn. He listens in on Scooter's conversation with Kermit.
Scooter	So, chief, did you find a replacement for Gonzo?
Kermit	A replacement? Gee, Scooter, how could you possibly replace somebody like Gonzo?
Scooter	Easy! I know someone who'd probably be perfect!
Kermit	You do?
Scooter	Sure. He's the best friend of my uncle.
Kermit	The best friend of the man who owns this theater?
Scooter	The best friend of the man you owe three months' back rent to.
Kermit	(gulp) Uh, uh, sounds very talented. (nods) What's his name?
Scooter	Trevor the Gross!
Trevor	Ta-da! When do I start?
Kermit	Uh, well, probably right away, Trevor.
Scooter	Come on, Trevor! We'll clean out Gonzo's dressing room.
Kermit	Uh, fine, but you'll probably need shovels.
	They all laugh and disperse.
Scooter	"Probably need shovels"!
Gonzo	(moans) My whole life is passing before my eyes.

Muppet Sports

	The opening montage plays.
Louis Kazagger	This is Louis Kazagger with Muppet Sports. And we've got a dandy today: the Marathon Tree-Staring Contest. For more than 87 hours, Klaus Mueller of West Paraguay has been trying to outstare that tree. It's the classic confrontation: man against wood.
	Klaus leans towards the tree, which trembles.
Louis Kazagger	Wait a minute… yes. The tree is beginning to crack. Mueller moves in for the kill.
	The tree flinches. Applause. Klaus does a victory dance.
Louis Kazagger	And it's all over! Mueller has outstared the tree! Our congratulations, Klaus. You've just won the $10,000 prize.
Klaus	Oh, muchas gracias, señor!
	The tree falls on Klaus.
Louis Kazagger	I'll personally see to it that his widow gets the money.
Tree (JN)	But he wasn't married.
Louis Kazagger	Shut up! (shakes head)

Dressing room

	Lola hangs up her outfit, then finds Gonzo hiding in her closet.
Lola	(hums) He's the greatest dancer — (shrieks)
Lola	Gonzo! What are you doing in there? I thought you were on your way to Bombay, India, to become a movie star.
Gonzo	(sniffles) I was, but then I got this telegram.
Lola	(reads) "To Gonzo the Great, c/o Muppet Show — Thought we were hiring another performer named Gonzo the Mediocre. Contract canceled." Gonzo, oh, don't worry, come on. I'm sure Kermit'll give you your job right back.
Gonzo	No. They already replaced me with this dumb-looking bird. (sigh) They're cleaning out my dressing room. They threw out my mildew collection!
Lola	(gasp)
Gonzo	(sigh) I'll never work again.
Lola	Oh, no, there must be other shows you could work on.
Gonzo	No. It's hopeless. The Great Gonzo is … (blows a kiss) … finis.
	Music swells up.
Lola	Oh, no, wait. Before you quit, there's one more thing you should try.
Gonzo	What's that?
	He sits on her lap. She sings "Smile".
Lola	You see?
Gonzo	Yeah. Thank you, Lola.
Lola	You feel better now?
Gonzo	Of course. Now I can smile my way through the rest of my miserable life. (exits)
Lola	I think he missed the point.

Trevor the Gross vs. Gonzo the Great

	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit	Uh, well, ladies and gentlemen, as we all know, there is no way we will ever replace Gonzo the Great.
Gonzo	You tell 'em, Kermit!
Kermit	But that doesn't mean we won't try. Ahem. Yes, the man who plans to fill Gonzo's shoes is even now standing in the wings.
Trevor	(cuddles Camilla) Later, Camilla, you cute little doll. I gotta go onstage now.
Camilla	(sigh)
Kermit	So here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Trevor the Gross!
	The curtain opens on Trevor, standing by a giant bucket.
Trevor	Thank you. Thank you. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I, Trevor the Gross, will now sing "Top Hat" while tap-dancing in this vat of oatmeal!
Gonzo	THAT DOES IT!
Trevor	What's this?
Gonzo	All right, stop! You can steal my job, you can steal my girlfriend, but you cannot have my oatmeal dance!!
Kermit	Gonzo, will you get off the stage?
Gonzo	No!
Kermit	Good grief. Uh, close the curtain! Close the curtain! Close the curtain!
	A fanfare plays as the curtain closes.
Kermit	Gonzo! What is this all about?
Gonzo	Well — my film deal fell through, but I'm willing to accept my old position back.
Kermit	Yeah, but Gonzo …
Gonzo	Oh, please, Kermit! Kiss kiss, grovel grovel!
Kermit	Stop kissing my flipper! Gonzo! Have you no dignity?
Gonzo	Of course not. How long have we worked together?
Kermit	(frowns)
	Fozzie peeks from behind the curtain.
Fozzie	Uh, hi, uh, listen, everything's just alright. (the crowd boos) Kermit! Do something! They're getting mean out there! (runs away)
Kermit	Uh — listen, I promised the oatmeal act to Trevor.
Trevor	That's right! And I won't give it up! I love the oatmeal act.
Gonzo	Sic 'im, girls!
Kermit	What?
	The chickens attack Trevor.
Trevor	Wait! Enough! Okay! You can have the oatmeal act! (runs away)
Kermit	I guess it's settled then! Gonzo, you get ready, I'll go introduce you.
Gonzo	Yippee! Haha!
	The chickens carry him. Kermit goes onstage.
Kermit	Uh, may I have your attention please? I'm sorry for the delay. I'm happy to announce the return engagement of Gonzo the Great — are you ready back there, Gonzo?
Gonzo	Okay.
Kermit	Okay — who will sing "Top Hat" while dancing in a vat of oatmeal, ladies and gentlemen, Gonzo the Great! YAAAYY!
	Curtain up. Gonzo barely gets through the first verse before becoming engulfed in oatmeal.
Kermit	Uh, wait, wait — he sank into the oatmeal!
Gonzo	Help! Help!
Fozzie	Wha, wha — don't worry, don't worry! We got spoons and milk and brown sugar!
Lew Zealand	Yeah! We're gonna eat our way through to him!
Kermit	Close the curtain! Close the curtain!
Waldorf	What are they doing with those spoons?
Statler	Scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Waldorf	Hmm. I'm not surprised. That's how they get all their acts.
	They chuckle.

Backstage / "United We Stand"

	They push the vat backstage. Gonzo dries off with a towel.
Scooter	I got some raisins!
Lew Zealand	Well, bring 'em!
Kermit	Oh, boy. What a disaster. What a mess. Gonzo, you're a mess. I tell ya, everything's gone wrong.
Lola	Kermit — what are you so upset about? I mean, I thought the most important thing would be that Gonzo is back.
Kermit	Oh. Y'know — you're right, Lola. Gonzo, it's nice to have you back.
Gonzo	Aww. Well, let's face it. I wouldn't really wanna be anyplace else.
Lola	That's a nice thing to say, Gonzo. In fact …
	Music swells up. She sings "United We Stand" and is soon joined by the other Muppets.

Goodnights

Kermit	Okay! Well, now that our weird little family is all back together again, I guess that wraps up another show. But before we go, let us say thank you to our wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Lola Falana! YAAAAYY!
	Applause. The Muppets join her.
Lola	Thank you, thank you, Kermit. You know, it's been just wonderful being a part of reuniting this great big wonderful family.
Muppets	Aww.
Gonzo	(yelps) Miss Piggy, you're standing on my foot.
Miss Piggy	The wimp is back.
Scooter	Hey, don't call him a wimp!
Miss Piggy	He is! Lola?
	Commotion ensues.
Lola	Fellas, do you — do you remember?
Kermit	Well, uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
	The Muppets argue as the credits roll.
Statler	You know, Gonzo would have been perfect for that movie he was gonna star in.
Waldorf	What movie was that?
Statler	The Revenge of the Little Blue Geek.
	They chuckle.