Cold open

Scooter knocks on Arlo's dressing room door and enters, as Arlo strums his guitar.
Scooter Oh, Arthur. Arthur Godfrey? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Godfrey.
Arlo "Arthur Godfrey?" You better check with your boss. I'm Arlo, Arlo Guthrie.
TMS408.coldopen
Scooter (consulting his clipboard) Oh, yeah. "Arlo Guthrie," of course. I'm sorry, Arlo. Gee, I wish Kermit would learn how to type - his handwriting's terrible!
Arlo takes to the camera.

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Arlo Guthrie! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
TMS408-Shark
A shark swims into Statler and Waldorf's box.
Statler What's this fish doing in our box?!
Waldorf The same as us - suffering! (both laugh)
Gonzo open 408
Just as Gonzo blows the final note, he's trampled by a herd of cows. The last cow stops and moos to the crowd.

Opening number

Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Good evening, good evening, good evening! I am the frog, you are the audience and this is The Muppet Show. It works out kinda nice that way. And another thing that's nice is our very special guest star is that great singer of folk songs, Mr. Arlo Guthrie. So, we're just gonna lay back, relax and spend a quiet family evening. Welcome to our house!
TMS408-Homestead
The curtains open, revealing the Muppets in a rustic home. The opening number begins to play as Kermit and the Muppets sing a little.
Kermit Yup. Yup, you can see everybody's gathered around the ol' homestead here - uh, the family's here, granny and the baby, and the bear, and the band. And over at the piano, Mr. Arlo Guthrie! Yaaay!
Grocery Blues
Arlo and the Muppets sing "Grocery Blues." Midway through, the Swedish Chef leaves the premises with a shopping cart.
Swedish Chef Mm-hmm, off to the grocery store!
He soon returns with the cart stocked with foods, including a panicked, live turkey. The Chef laughs as he brandishes his cleaver. Arlo and the Muppets finish the song.
Waldorf I wonder why they didn't just let Arlo do a solo?
Statler They were afraid if they left him alone, he'd make a run for it! (both laugh)

Backstage

Various Whatnots from the number come backstage. The Swedish Chef polishes dishes on the floor above.
Kermit Okay, very nice, guys. Very folksy, very friendly, very homely.
Whatnot (JN) Who you callin' "homely?"
Kermit Uh, homelike, homelike. Ooo, don't be so touchy.
The Whanot leaves, as Winny enters.
Winny (waving to the Chef) Oo-ooo!
Kermit Hey, Winny. Uh, w-what's the Chef doing up there with all those dishes.
TMS408.backstage1
Winny Oh, well, when Chef and I heard you were having a big, family gathering on the show, we decided you should have a proper meal.
Kermit Well, that's true.
Winny So, we got out the crockery and now Chef can start cooking!
Kermit Yeah, but - oh, oh, Chef! Chef, uh, we're having it catered.
The Swedish Chef drops a stack of dishes over the balcony in shock and begins to cry.
Kermit I-it's just that, uh, you know, I thought the Chef would like a day off and I know this great caterer, and uh...
The Swedish Chef knocks over another stack in despair.
Kermit Uh, Chef! Chef, wait a minute! On the other hand, Chef - hold it! Wait a second, I-I'll change my mind. Uh, you can cook dinner.
The Swedish Chef tosses away his napkin and grabs another stack of dishes, dancing happily with them.
Kermit But, Chef, be careful with those last dishes. Wha?!
The Swedish Chef releases them over the railing, revealing they're all strung together. He and Winny laugh.
Winny (laughing) What a sense of humor!
Kermit (grimacing) Yeah, they call him "The Swedish Noël Coward."
Winny and the Swedish Chef continue laughing.

Muppet newsflash

A mother watches the news on TV with her baby.
Newsman And now, direct from the Chicago livestock board, here are the gestation periods.
Baby Gestation…
Newsman (looks around) Yes. Anyhow, gestation periods. Pigs, 113 days. Cows, 284 days. Horses, 337 days, and elephants, 645 days. Elsewhere on the agricultural news front, the recent bumper crop has been causing problems for farmers. Widespread dumping of produce has resulted from this bumper crop, and now —
TMS408.newsflash
A pile of car bumpers falls on him. The mother and baby laugh.
Mother Bumper crop.

"Elegance"

TMS408-KermFence
Kermit sits atop a fence.
Kermit Uh, I've come out here in the pasture to prove a point. And the point is that there's as much sophistication and style out here in the country as there is on Broadway. Presenting Aunt Melba's Guernsey Cotillion with a little "Elegance."
TMS.408.Elegance
A herd of cows sing "Elegance." They sing in the pasture, then move into the house, donning more showy costumes.
Waldorf Hey, those heifers are pretty good hoofers. (laughs)
Statler Yeah, just hope it doesn't curdle the milk! (both laugh)

The Swedish Chef

In the kitchen, the Swedish Chef sings his theme tune, then tosses two pots behind him.
Swedish Chef Excusie. (mock Swedish) roost torkey. Here we get da torkey. Here, torkey, torkey.
A turkey enters, gobbling.
Swedish Chef Ooo, sweet torkey. Nice... (kisses turkey repeatedly) torkey. Oookay! We roost the torkey.
The Swedish Chef grabs his spit and inspects the tip, pricking his finger.
Swedish Chef Okay, torkey. Here go. (positions turkey) Now, we skewer de torkey.
TMS408.chef1
In mock Swedish, the Chef describes how he'll skewer the spit through the turkey. The turkey is very nervous, but the Chef smacks him into compliance.
Swedish Chef Alrooty. One, two three...
The Chef aims to skewer, but the turkey dodges it. He grabs the spit in his beak and knocks the Chef out with it, tramples him and exits.

Dressing room

Gonzo walks into Arlo's dressing room, carrying a guitar case.
Gonzo Hey, oh, Arlo! Hey, I was wondering if you could help me, uh, tune my guitar.
Arlo Oh, sure. Come in, Gonzo. You know, I love guitars.
Gonzo Ah, yeah. Well, this one's a beauty. It's a custom job I had shipped in from Miami.
Arlo opens the case and pulls out the guitar, made to resemble a flamingo.
Arlo Oh, wow - a real flamingo guitar!
Gonzo Yeah. (laughs)
TMS408.dressingroom
Arlo strums a short, flamenco piece as Gonzo dances.
Gonzo ¡Olé!

At the Square Dance

Dissolve to a close-up of an oil lamp.
Gramps And it's time for the square dance.
TMS408.squaredance
Dissolve to a hayfield, where a trio of Muppet couples dance as Gramps sings and a square dance version of the "At the Dance" music on violin.
Gramps

One for the money, two for the show
Grab your partner, here we go
Now, turn to the left, turn to the right
Hold your honey and hold 'er tight
Prettiest tune that's ever been played
Swing your partner, promenade

A kitten's a cat, a doe's a deer
Take your finger and stick it in your ear

Dancer (JH) Huh?
Annie Sue Okay.
The dancers continue with their fingers in their ears.
Gramps

Now, aleman left with a do-si-do
Prance little darlin's, heel and toe
Cows can moo and crows can caw
Ladies, make a fist and punch 'im in the jaw

Dancer (JH) Huh?
The males are punched.
Gramps

Men in the center, cryin' in pain
Turn to the ladies who'll do it again

Dancer (JH) Huh?
The ladies sock their partners once more.
Gramps

Pins and needles, needles and pins
Men, get even, kick 'em in the shins

The men do so. A brawl erupts as the song ends.

UK spot

TMS408.UKspot
Members of Lubbock Lou and his Jughuggers sing "A Horse Named Bill."
Waldorf Well, that was different.
Statler I should say so. So many of these songs are long and boring.
Waldorf Yes, they've finally managed one short and boring! (both laugh)
Statler Does that mean they're getting better or worse? (both laugh)

"Get Along Little Dogies"

Arlo sits on the porch with a guitar. His is surrounded by a herd of cows, a bull, a horse and a chicken. Rover Joe sits at his feet.
Arlo I'm happy to sing this song to you dogies tonight. You know, that's what they call ya'. It's not about dogs. This is a ol' song, cowboy song, and it goes like this.
Get Along Little Dogies
Arlo sings a verse of "Get Along Little Dogies." The cows moo along with some of his elongated notes. He takes a break from singing. The livestock react as Arlo analyzes the lyrics.
Arlo Sounds like a nice song. Tell ya', know the truth of the truth of it... You know, these songs was sung by lyin' cowboys. I mean, what's that mean - "whoopie ti-yi-yo, get along little dogies? It's your misfortune, ain't none of my own." That means the cowboy, he's got a gun. And the dogies is unarmed. And he goes on to say, "whoopie ti-yi-yo, get along little dogies. You know that Wyoming will be your new home." Well, a lotta bull that is. Wyoming's not gonna be their new home. They're gonna be inside a tin can outside a' Kansas City.
The cows are all shocked. Arlo sings a few more lyrics, when stopping abruptly. The animals egg him on to continue.
Arlo Nothin' left of this song...or the cowboy that sung it.
Arlo and the animals sing one last chorus together.

The Swedish Chef

The Swedish Chef straightens his bow tie, ready for his next cooking demonstration.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) no roost torkey. (mock Swedish) de roost piggy. Piggy, piggy, piggy! Here, piggy! Suey, piggy, piggy, pi-
TMS408.chef2
A disgruntled pig enters.
Pig SUEY, piggy, piggy, piggy!
He bashes the Chef in the face with a ladle, then exits. The Swedish Chef stabilizes himself on the counter.
Swedish Chef Uh, noo roost piggy. Uh, uh... (grabbing some utensils) Here, bef. Roost bef. (clanking the utensils) Here, beffy, beffy, beffy!
A herd of cows tramples the Chef.

Backstage

Kermit watches as the pig and cows come backstage. The pig smacks Kermit's desk with his ladle. Fozzie enters.
Fozzie Hey, hey, Kermit. Kermit, I am ready to do my Robert Frost poetry reading.
Behind them, some cows assemble and chew on some hay.
Kermit Uh, Fozzie, you can't do poetry on this show.
Fozzie Kermit, uh, look at all these cows... this show every bit of class it can get.
Kermit grimaces.
Fozzie Anyway, Kermit, my-my poetry's just as good as my comedy.
Kermit It's that bad, huh?
Fozzie (getting on his knees) Kermit, I memorized a whole poem.
TMS408.backstage2
Kermit O-okay, Fozzie.
Fozzie Please!
Kermit Okay. Y-you can do your poetry, but just make it snappy.
Fozzie Yes, sir! Thank you, sir! (rushes out)
Gonzo enters, dressed in a Latin American outfit with sombrero.
Gonzo 'Kay, Kermit. I'm ready for my tango number!
Kermit Uh, Gonzo, not on this show. Maybe next week.
Gonzo Kermit, Kermit. Perfection cannot be denied! Whoopie! (runs to the stage)

Fozzie's recitation

On a snowy landscape, Fozzie rides in on a sled, pulled by a horse (Old Skyball Paint).
Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening
Fozzie Ho! Ah. (clears throat) Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost. (clears throat)

Whose woods these are I think I know
His house is in the village though
He will not mind if I stay here
To watch his woods fill up with snow

As Fozzie finishes the first verse of the poem, Gonzo sneaks onto the set behind him, unnoticed.
Fozzie

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farm-

Suddenly, Fozzie is interrupted by Gonzo and his chickens, dancing to "Hernando's Hideaway."
Gonzo ¡Olé!
Fozzie Kermit!
Gonzo ¡Arriba!
Fozzie Kermit!
Gonzo ¡Enchilada!
Fozzie Hey, come on, now! Gonzo!
Gonzo ¡Olé!
Gonzo and the chickens exit as the music ends. Kermit enters.
Fozzie Kermi-Kermit-
Kermit Uh, Fozzie, you said you'd make it fast. Now, uh, hurry up!
Fozzie Yeah, but Gonzo came in and he...oh, boy, where was I?
Horse Who cares? Get to the good part, where I shake my harness bells.
Fozzie Oh, uh, let's see. Oh, yeah, right, right. Uh,

He gives his harness bells a shake
Uh, to ask if there is some mistake
Let's see, uh, oh yeah,
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flakes

Hernando's Hideaway
The music begins again, as Gonzo and the chickens return.
Fozzie You, bu-
Gonzo

I know a dark, secluded place
A place where no one knows your face
A glass of wine, a fast embrace
It's called Chez Gonzo's Hideaway. ¡Olé!

Fozzie (simultaneously) Gonzo! Gonzo, what are ya'... what are you doing, Gonzo?! That's not...I give up.
Fozzie dons his own sombrero and produces a pair of castanets. He sings the final verse of the poem to the tune of the music, as Gonzo and the chickens back up.
Fozzie

The woods are lovely, dark and deep
And I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep

Gonzo & Fozzie

And miles to go before I sleep. ¡Olé!

Gonzo laughs as he begins to whip Fozzie.

The Swedish Chef / "Sailing Down This Golden River"

Home-Meal-4
Back at the kitchen, the Swedish Chef moans in pain, bandaged and with his arm in a sling.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) make de stew.
A disgruntled cow, turkey and pig enter.
Swedish Chef Noo, noo, noo. Noo torkey stew, noo piggy stew and noo bif stew.
The animals leave, satisfied.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) de veggie weggie stew!
The vegetables leap from the counter and trounce him, then leave. Kermit enters.
Kermit Okay. Well, uh... (clears throat) Uh, while the Chef sends out for pizza or something...
The Swedish Chef woozily rises up before collapsing onto the counter. Music begins to play from the other room.
Kermit Um...uh, I think I hear music coming from the living room, the music of Mr. Arlo Guthrie.
Sailing Down This Golden River
In the living room, Arlo and the Muppets sing "Sailing Down This Golden River."

Goodnights

Kermit walks up to the front door of the house.
Kermit Well, we've just about reached the end of the day down here on the ol' homestead. (walking inside) And, as the sun sinks slowly in the West, the entire family gathers around the traditional table for a great feast. And we say thank you to our very special guest star, Mr. Arlo Guthrie! Yaaay!
TMS408.closing
Arlo removes his arm from around Miss Piggy's shoulder as they notice they're visible. Kermit and the other Muppets gather around the dinner table.
Arlo Thank you, Kermit. You know, I've had a wonderful time, but can we, uh, carve the turkey now?
Gonzo Yeah, I'm starved.
Granny Yeah, let's do that.
The turkey enters, gobbling.
Arlo Well, maybe no turkey, but, uh, what are we gonna have?
Piggy W-well, I'm certain that the Swedish Chef has cooked up something for us, right Chef?
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish)
Arlo lifts the tray cover up, revealing a plate of pill bottles and jars. The Muppets gasp in confusion and shock.
Arlo It's vitamin pills!
Muppets (simultaneously) Vitamin pills?!
Piggy Chef, you crazy chef!
Kermit Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The Muppets continue to argue. Arlo pours out some pills on his plate and begins carving as the closing theme plays.
Waldorf Well, as they say in France, "Adíos."
Statler That's Spanish.
Waldorf I know, I don't speak French.
Waldorf laughs as Statler double-takes.
Atv zoot
THE END

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