Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter Oh, Dudley. Dudley Moore. Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Moore.
Dudley Thanks, Scooter. Say, I'm having a bit of trouble getting this piano in tune. Can you give me an A?
Scooter Sure, easy.
He fires a pistol in the air. A giant letter A falls from the ceiling; Dudley catches it.
407-1

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Dudley Moore! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
MuppetShopen4
407-2
Beetles appear in the balcony with Statler and Waldorf.
Waldorf Watch what you say tonight. I think the place is bugged.
They chuckle.
407-3
Gonzo turns into a bug before he can play his trumpet.
Gonzo Surprise!

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And a terrific show it is, because our special guest is one of England's brightest stars of music and comedy, Mr. Dudley Moore! But first, to get things started, we have invited a talented group of young unknowns. So let's give 'em a big hand and make 'em feel real welcome, ladies and gentlemen, YAAAAAY!
She loves you
A Bug Band sings "She Loves You."
Waldorf You know, seeing a number like that always makes me nostalgic.
Statler Yeah? Nostalgic for what?
Waldorf DDT!
They chuckle.

Backstage

The bugs pass by Kermit.
Kermit Okay, great sound, guys. That might just catch on.
Bug (JN) Oh, thanks, gov.
Kermit Uh, but you know, you fellas should find a name for your group.
Bug (DG) We were thinking of something like "The Grateful Dead".
407-4
Kermit The who?
Bug (SW) Nah, it's been done. (they buzz away) It's been done too.
Kermit Hey, it's Dudley Moore!
Applause.
Dudley Hi, Kermit. Uh, you ready for my number yet?
Kermit Uh, well, not yet. Uh, but matter of fact, the band was wondering how they're going to play your accompaniment without any arrangements.
Dudley Band? Arrangements?
Kermit Uh huh. Sure.
Dudley Uh, I don't need any arrangements.
Kermit Really? How come?
Dudley I've got M.A.M.M.A.
A machine wheels itself in and plays a robotic fanfare.
407-5
Kermit Huh. Looks like a fugitive from Star Wars. Its name is M.A.M.M.A., huh?
Dudley Yeah. Uh, Music And Mood Management Apparatus. M.A.M.M.A.
Kermit Oh. It plays anything you want?
Dudley Exactly.
Kermit Gee, is it any good?
Dudley Is it any good?!
Kermit Mm-hm.
Dudley This is the the ultimate achievement. This is man's synthesis of science and art! This is the Sistine Chapel of innovation!
Kermit It's good, huh?
Dudley (shrugs) It's not bad.
He presses some buttons, and M.A.M.M.A. plays a robotic version of the Muppet Show Theme. Kermit dances. Dudley demonstrates the machine to Kermit as the music changes.
Dudley By fiddling with these thingamajigs here, I can get, uh, classical, or … jazz.
Kermit Ah.
Dudley Or… disco.
M.A.M.M.A. plays robotic disco music.
Kermit Gee! Hey, could we use it for our next number?
Dudley Sure. What is it?
Kermit It's called "At the Dance".
Dudley My pleasure.
Disco dancers make their way to the stage.
Kermit (through the intercom) Okay, everybody on stage for "At the Disco Dance"!
Fozzie Oh, Kermit, I am gonna be so FUN-NEE!
Kermit looks confused.

At the Dance

Fozzie gets down in the ballroom with the other disco dancers.
Fozzie Oh yeah! Hey, hey everybody, hey, listen — hey! What is green, waves its arms, and is found in Chinese restaurants, huh?
Dancer (KM) I dunno. What is green, waves its arms, and is found in Chinese restaurants?
Fozzie Kermit the Eggroll! Aahhh!
The dancers react unfavorably to the joke.
Fozzie Yeah! Yeah! I knew you'd love it!
He moves and grooves to the center.
Fozzie Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, look! It's a dancing cow. This must be a dis-COW-theque! Aahhhh!
The dancers react unfavorably to the joke.
Fozzie Yes, yes, yes, more, yes! Yes! Hey, hey, hey, hey — why did the duck cross the road?
Dancer (JN) I don't know! Why did the duck cross the road?
Fozzie (sigh) Because he was tied to the chicken! Aaaahhh!
407-6
Dancer (JN) Boooo!
Fozzie Thank you, thank you! Yes — oh, look! Look! It's a dancing shark! This must be a FISH-cotheque! Aahhhh!
The dancers boo him.
Fozzie Yes, more! I know you want more! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Okay! Last one. Listen.
Dancer (DG) Yeah, yeah, what?
Fozzie Hey guys? Ahem. What do you call a light brown billiard stick? Huh?
Pause.
Dancer (DG) A … tan cue?
Fozzie You're welcome! (high fives him)
The dancers and the shark bombard him.
Fozzie Get away from me please! I loved it! I'm glad you did!
The curtain closes.

"Mama Don't Allow"

Kermit Okay, well, uh, so much for disco dancing. Ahem. Uh, and now for all you fans of the roaring twenties, we have one of the top hits of 1929, written by Charles "Cow-Cow" Davenport, called "Mama Don't 'Llow."
Cow Oh, good. Cow-Cow's songs are so mooooo-ving.
Kermit Uh … yeah. Uh, okay, and it's played for you with his Music and Mood Management Apparatus, the fabulously talented Mr. Dudley Moore! Yaaaay!
The curtain opens on Dudley and the Electric Mayhem, with M.A.M.M.A. in the front.
Dudley Okay, guys, take five.
The Mayhem starts playing Dave Brubeck's "Take Five". Dudley stops them.
Dudley Hold it! Hold it!
Floyd What's wrong?
Dudley No, I meant, uh, lay out. I won't be needing you.
Animal Wha?
Dr. Teeth How come?
Dudley I'll be doing this with M.A.M.M.A.
He turns on M.A.M.M.A. and plays the piano.
407-7
Dudley M.A.M.M.A. don't allow no guitar players in here.
Floyd What?
Dudley

M.A.M.M.A. don't allow no guitar players in here.
It don't matter if you're flat or sharp,
You're gonna wake up a-playing a harp,
'Cause M.A.M.M.A. don't allow no guitar players in here.
Take it, M.A.M.M.A.

M.A.M.M.A. plays a digital wah-wah solo. The Mayhem examines the machine.
Dr. Teeth Would you believe this? It's a musical garbage can.
Floyd Playing musical garbage! (laughs)
Dr. Teeth Yeah. It ain't got that swing when it's played by a thing.
407-8
Floyd Still, you will note, that it is being played, and nobody bein' paid!
Dr. Teeth (nods) Hmm, true. True.
Floyd Jive.
The Mayhem all walk away.
Dudley

M.A.M.M.A. don't allow no drummin' man in here.
M.A.M.M.A. don't allow no drummin' man in here.

Animal passes by.
Dudley

M.A.M.M.A. said she gonna light a boom
If she hear drumming in this room.
'Cause M.A.M.M.A. don't allow no drummin', in here.

Animal walks up to M.A.M.M.A. as it plays a digital drum solo. He starts gnawing on the machine, finds it impenetrable, and walks away. Dudley plays a jazzy piano solo and concludes the song. Applause.

Backstage

The Mayhem approaches Kermit. Rowlf joins them.
Floyd We gotta talk to him.
Others (Yeah.)
Floyd Hey, cricket-breath.
Animal (growls)
Kermit Oh, uh, hi, guys.
Floyd Yeah, what's this electric no-man's band you're using?
Others (Yeah!)
Kermit Oh — that's just an experiment, that's all, Floyd.
407-9
Floyd Listen, turtle-bait! Just because it can play for Dudley Moore don't mean it can play the rest of the show!
M.A.M.M.A. is wheeled in.
Others (Right. Right.)
Kermit The rest of the show … why, Floyd, that's a wonderful idea!
Floyd What??
Kermit I'll just plug in the, uh … the background music button here.
M.A.M.M.A. plays a dramatic sting. Rowlf walks away.
Floyd Rowlf — hey, Rowlf, where you goin', man? Hey, we gotta present a solid front on this.
Rowlf Uh, you do the solid front bit. I'm gonna call this monkey I know who's looking for an organ grinder.
Dr. Teeth and Animal gang up on Kermit.
Kermit (stammering) Uh, well, uh, uh, uh … (into the intercom) everybody on stage for Pigs in Space.
Floyd Oh, it's a sad day for musicians.
Rowlf Yeah. I can almost hear Beethoven turning over in his grave.
M.A.M.M.A. plays the first notes of Beethoven's 5th symphony.

Pigs in Space

Vehicle.Swinetrek
Announcer And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Open on Link and Piggy fiddling with the controls. M.A.M.M.A. appears in the window.
Announcer When last we left the spaceship Swinetrek, it was being followed by a mysterious object.
Link Hogthrob It looks like one of those things that scientists send up from earth. What do you call them?
Miss Piggy Satellite.
Link Hogthrob Of course it's a light. Looks like a lot of lights, but what do you call it?
407-10
Miss Piggy Mon capitan is off to a great start. Hmm.
Dr. Julius Strangepork (over the loudspeaker) Link, I've just found out what that object is.
Link Hogthrob What is it, Dr. Strangepork?
Dr. Julius Strangepork I'll tell you when I make my entrance.
Link Hogthrob Huh?
The doors open. Dr. Strangepork makes a grand entrance to a fanfare played by M.A.M.M.A..
Dr. Julius Strangepork That machine was sent up here to underscore this sketch.
Link Hogthrob Huh?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Ja! That music was for my entrance. (laughs)
Link Hogthrob Pretty big fanfare for a mere passenger-hyphen-scientist. Imagine what it would be for a captain. Think I'll try it, hmm? (the doors open) Here I go.
He exits, then comes back in.
Link Hogthrob Your captain is here!
M.A.M.M.A. plays "Wah-wah-wah-wahhhhh."
Link Hogthrob What the hey?
Dr. Julius Strangepork (giggles)
Miss Piggy Look, look, Strangepork — you mean, we're stuck with that all through the sketch?
M.A.M.M.A. plays a dramatic sting.
Dr. Julius Strangepork I'm afraid so.
M.A.M.M.A. plays another dramatic sting.
Miss Piggy Isn't there anything we can do?
M.A.M.M.A. plays another dramatic sting.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Nothing.
M.A.M.M.A. plays another dramatic sting.
Link Hogthrob Get ready … this is a catastrophe!
M.A.M.M.A. plays "Wah-wah-wah-wahhhhh."
Link Hogthrob How come it always plays dumb music when I talk?
Miss Piggy I can't take anymore of this. I'm walking.
Dr. Julius Strangepork You can't!
Miss Piggy Ha! Watch me.
As she walks, M.A.M.M.A. plays a slow jazzy score. Link and Strangepork start catcalling her.
Link Hogthrob Woo woo! Hubba hubba!
Dr. Julius Strangepork (whistles) Woo woo!
Miss Piggy What do you think you're doing?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Just what you told us to.
Link Hogthrob Yeah, you said "Watch me".
They laugh. M.A.M.M.A. plays "Wah-wah-wah-wahhhhh."
Miss Piggy Yeah? Yeah? Well, watch this! Hi-YAH!
M.A.M.M.A. plays comical chase music as she chases them around the ship.
Announcer Tune in next week, when serious charges are brought against this week's PIGS… IN… SPACE!

UK spot

Piggy hears a knock on her dressing room door.
Miss Piggy Oh! Entrez-toi!
Kermit Uh, did you want to see me, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy Oh, yes, Kermie, come in!
Romantic music swells up.
Miss Piggy Oh, Kermie …
Kermit Yes, Piggy?
Miss Piggy I have something very important to tell vous.
Kermit Uh … yes, Piggy?
Miss Piggy There is something … you could do that would make … moi … very very happy.
Kermit Well — well, tell me what it is.
Miss Piggy You know what it is.
Kermit I … ahem… I do?
Miss Piggy Of course you do! You must! Oh!
Kermit Piggy, are you trying to say —
Miss Piggy YES!! Kermit … my dressing room sink is stopped up again.
The music stops.
Kermit (frowns) I'll send Scooter up with a plunger.
Miss Piggy Good. (he starts walking) No, wait! — Kermie, Kermie, don't … not this door!
Kermit What?
407-11
Miss Piggy Don't go out this door!
Kermit Why not?
Dramatic music swells up.
Miss Piggy Because, Kermie, I have this feeling there is something … terrible outside, waiting. Oh.
Kermit But Piggy — don't be silly. There's nothing outside that door to worry about.
Miss Piggy Yes there is! There's something out there! There's something … EVIL! And monstrous! I can feel it, lurking and waiting to pounce! Oh! Oh!
Kermit Piggy! That's just the door to the corridor!
Miss Piggy No!
Kermit Now get out of my way, Piggy.
Miss Piggy No! No! I won't! I won't let you!
Kermit Piggy! Get back from the door! Piggy! Listen! Piggy! You're going to stand back right now! (he pushes her out of the way)
Miss Piggy No! No! No! No!
The music grows more intense.
Kermit You see, Piggy … there's nothing out here!
Miss Piggy Don't! Don't!
Kermit There's nothing out here at all!
Miss Piggy Don't — (screams)
He opens the door and finds … M.A.M.M.A.
Kermit That's Dudley's music machine.
M.A.M.M.A. plays a fanfare.
Miss Piggy It's that stupid music machine! What are you doing in my dressing room? (shouts in its ear) I said, what are you doing in my dressing room? What are you — I am getting out of here.
M.A.M.M.A. plays Piggy's jazzy walking theme. Link and Strangepork watch her walk and catcall again.
Link Hogthrob Woo woo! Oh boy! Hubba hubba!
Piggy screams and storms off.
Link Hogthrob Hey chicky baby! Soo-ee, soo-ee!

Dressing room

407-12
In his dressing room, Dudley sings "Strictly for the Birds" while he plays his piano. Someone knocks on the door.
Dudley Come in.
Floyd Hey, Dudley.
Dudley Hey, Floyd.
Floyd Yeah, is it okay if me and my friend come in? (Animal enters with him)
Dudley Y-yeah. Sure.
Floyd Oh, good.
Animal (pants)
Dudley If this is your friend, I'd hate to meet your enemies.
Animal (pants)
Floyd Yeah, well, listen. As members of the band …
Animal Band. (pants)
Floyd … yeah, we've come here to have it out with you about this music machine that you've got.
Animal (growls)
Dudley Yeah. Right. Uh, I, I, I know we have differing opinions on the subject, so it's probably best to talk about it.
Floyd Yeah, I'm glad you feel that way.
Dudley Yeah, well, uh … why don't we openly and freely, uh, express our feelings on the subject?
Floyd Good!
Animal Yeah yeah.
Floyd I feel that that cheap jive jukebox is gonna put an end to the gig for the band, man! I mean, we haven't worked all night, and it's your fault!
Animal Your fault, Dudley. … Dudley.
Dudley Well …
Floyd Yeah, comes payback a time old man frog gonna wonder why he's payin' legal tender on us!
Animal On us. Dudley.
Dudley Well … well-stated. Um … I think it's a very … succinct and valid … uh … uh, expression of your opinion. I… on the other hand, feel that uh, technological advances should not be … viewed, uh, as an enemy.
Animal walks up to him, breathing in his face.
407-13
Dudley I mean, after all … great triumphs of … science … um … uh, are also, uh, true advances of the human spirit. And I don't feel that we … we should … (reacts to Animal's breath) … let, uh, let temporary or personal considerations stand in, in the way. How — how do you feel about that, Animal?
Animal KILL!! KILL! KILL! (starts attacking Dudley)
Dudley All right! All right! Anything you like! Anything you say! Please! Anything! Anything!
Floyd Hey! Sit!
Animal Sit!
Floyd Heel!
Animal Heel! (stops)
Dudley Well, I … I didn't realize he was president of your debating society.
Animal resumes attacking him.

The Great Gonzo's act / Backstage

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Okay, now I have a real treat for all you fear and culture lovers. Ahem. Uh, it's time once again for Gonzo the Great. Uh, Gonzo apparently has a real crazy act tonight. He won't even tell me what it is, but I do have this message: we have to ask for complete and total silence from everyone.
Fozzie shushes M.A.M.M.A., which plays a drumroll.
Kermit And now, Gonzo the Great.
The curtain opens on Gonzo, next to a megaton bomb.
Gonzo Thank you, thank you. I must have complete silence for this act, please. Ahem. Thank you. I shall now recite from the works of Percy Bysshe Shelley while — and at the same time — diffusing this high explosive bomb. (sigh)
He gets started diffusing.
Gonzo

Hail to thee, blithe spirit.
Bird th—

He hears ticking.
Gonzo

Bird thou never wert.

M.A.M.M.A. approaches behind him.
407-14
Gonzo

That from heaven or near it
Pourest thy full heart
In profuse strains of unpremeditated art.

M.A.M.M.A. plays a loud dramatic sting, throwing him off. The bomb explodes, sending Gonzo flying backstage. He gets up.
Gonzo What a finish!
He laughs and runs away. M.A.M.M.A. rolls backstage, burned to a crisp and smoking.
407-15
Floyd Ah ha, look at this! (laughs)
Animal (laughs)
Kermit Uh, hey guys? Uh, uh, guys? Uh, listen, would you all do me a big favor and uh … and finish the show?
Floyd Oh! Why? Is anything wrong, little swamp brother?
The Mayhem members laugh.
Kermit Uh, uh, yeah, well, uh, see, Dudley's music machine seems to be on the uh, ahem, sick list, and uh, …
Floyd "Seems to be …" (laughs)
Kermit Well … maybe it'll still work.
He turns it on, and it plays …
Kermit Japanese kabuki music? Uh, listen, guys, if you all will finish up the show, I promise I will never even think of using another band.
Floyd Uh, let us deliberate.
The Mayhem huddle up and mumble.
Animal No. No. No, no, no.
Kermit Pretty please with cream and sugar on top?
Floyd Okay. You got it.
Animal Okay!
Kermit Oh, good, good. Thank you so much! (runs onstage)
Floyd Ha ha! Let's show him what a band sounds like!
Animal Okay! Okay!
He stops, looks at M.A.M.M.A., and gives it a swift kick, knocking off the top unit.
Animal Okay! Okay!

"How High the Moon"

Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen, appearing next is our own wonderful Muppet band … with Mr. Dudley Moore! Yaaaay!
Dudley and the Electric Mayhem perform "How High the Moon", wearing hardhats as the theater falls apart around them. Some rats dance nearby. Animal's wild drumming loosens more rubble.
407-16

Goodnights

Kermit Okay! Well, ladies and gentlemen, it has been a splendid evening, marred only by the fact that we blew up half the theater. But before we go, let us have one last round of applause for our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Dudley Moore! Yaaaay!
Applause.
Dudley Thank you very much, Kermit. It's been a real pleasure playing the remains of the Muppet Theater.
Kermit Uh — yeah, and I'm sorry to say that we broke your machine.
Dudley Oh … no trouble. I'm happy to say I fixed it again.
Kermit Oh. (frowns) Uh, I'm sorry to say I liked it better when it was broken.
The newly fixed M.A.M.M.A. wheels out.
407-17
Dudley Oh. Uh, I'll just program it for the, uh, closing theme. (presses some buttons)
Kermit Uh, well, there's nothing left for me to say but, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The Muppets gather around M.A.M.M.A. as it plays a medley of previously heard music, including the theme. The credits roll.
Statler So they blew up half the theater.
Waldorf At least they blew up the right half.
Statler & Waldorf Theirs! (they chuckle)
Animal begins hitting M.A.M.M.A. as it plays the final note.
407 close
THE END

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