Cold Open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door.
Dyan Come in.
Scooter Dyan Cannon? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Dyan.
Dyan Oh, hi, Scooter. Thank you. Just be sure to warn me when it's time to go on stage, will you?
Scooter Oh, well, that's not for a long time. First you've gotta worry about the curtain.
Dyan Oh. No I don't.
She shrieks as a red drape falls on her from the ceiling.
TMS404-01
Scooter Yes you do!

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Dyan Cannon! Whoooo!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
MuppetShopen4
Backstage, Beauregard sees a white puppy come down the stairs.
Beauregard Who let that dog loose in here?
Gonzo open 404
When Gonzo blows his trumpet, it rings and a voice comes out. He puts it to his ear.
Gonzo Hello? … He's not home.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you! Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And we've got a wonderful show for you tonight, because our very special guest star is miss Dyan Cannon. But first, to get things star—
The white puppy aggressively approaches Kermit, barking and gnawing his arm.
Kermit What is this? A dog?! Uh, Piggy! Piggy!
Miss Piggy Yes? Yes?
Kermit Would you come take this dog off the stage? Get down!
Miss Piggy Oooo. Isn't that adoraboooo!
Kermit It is not adorable. The dog is on the stage!
Miss Piggy (picks up the dog) Oh, is the funny furry Foo-Foo on Da-da's stage?
Kermit I am not this dog's Da-da, Piggy.
Miss Piggy Pardonnez us, everyone.
Kermit "Pardonnez us, everyone"? What's that?
Miss Piggy That is French.
Kermit (mocking) "Pardonnez us, everyone"!
Miss Piggy All vous knows is swamp talk.
Kermit Will you just get this dog off the stage?
Foo-foo barks at Kermit.
Miss Piggy Kermie, Kermie — Foo-foo only wants to say hello to Da-da.
Kermit He wants to rip off my flipper.
Miss Piggy Ohh. Make friends, make friends — say oo-dee-boo-boo-boo! Oo-dee-boo-boo-boo-boo!
Kermit Say what? Say "oo-dee-boo-boo-boo"?
Miss Piggy Oo-dee-boo-boo-boo.
Kermit Oo-dee-boo-boo-boo. Now will you get off the stage?!
Miss Piggy Oh, come here, Foo-foo.
Kermit Off, off!
Miss Piggy Oh, let's leave old bad-tempered froggy alone now. Oo-dee-boo-boo-boo. (exits)
Kermit Oo-de … Dumb dog. Anyhow, uh, as an opening number, uh, you know, there are a lot of complaints today about wild-eyed youth playing mindless rock. Well, to counteract that, here are some wild-eyed old people playing mindless rock! Ladies and gentlemen, Geri and the Atrics! Yaaaay!
Geri and the Atrics perform "Hound Dog".
TMS.404.HoundDog
Waldorf Bravo! Bravo! Oh, they were terrific.
Statler Well, they should be! They've been practicing since 1908!
They chuckle.

Backstage

Geri and the Atrics pass by Kermit.
Kermit Okay! Good work, Geri! Nicely wheezed, Atrics.
Vocalist My, don't that song just break your heart?
Drummer No, but it slows down my pacemaker.
They laugh and exit. Piggy approaches with Foo-foo.
Miss Piggy Kermie, Kermie, Kermie?
Kermit Hm?
TMS.404.Foofoo1
Miss Piggy Kermie, uh, I have to go rehearse Veterinarian's Hospital. Would you please watch Foo-foo for awhile? Thank you! Stay! (dashes off)
Kermit (stammers) Yeah, bu-but Piggy, you can't just …
Foo-foo (grunts)
Kermit Oh, good grief.
Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter and Floyd pass by.
Fozzie Hey, let's go see this jungle number, huh?
Gonzo Yeah!
TMS404-03
Kermit Hey, wait a, wait a second, you guys, uhh, I have to go introduce Dyan Cannon. Would you take care of Foo-foo, Scooter? (dashes off)
Scooter I have to tell Dyan she's on. Take care of Foo-foo, Fozzie. (dashes off)
Fozzie Uh, listen. Uhh, I got a date with a polar bear, uh … take, take care of Foo-foo, Gonzo. (dashes off)
Gonzo Wha? — Uh … oh! I've got an anvil in the oven! Whew. Take care of Foo-foo, Floyd. (dashes off)
Floyd Uh, I think I got the whooping cough! Take care of Foo-foo, will you, uh … oh, no.
Foo-foo (barks)

"Civilization"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit (humming fanfare) Dum da-da dum dum dummmmm! (the orchestra echoes him) That's what I said! Uh, ladies and gentlemen, with us tonight is one of Hollywood's nicest ladies. She's a wonderful actress, a terrific director, and a doer of goofy stuff, like the following. Ladies and gentlemen, miss Dyan Cannon! Yaaaayyy!
Open on a jungle setting. Drums are hears in the distance as animals make their noises. Pan up to Dyan, in jungle attire, letting out a jungle call. Quongo stands beside her, grunting.
Dyan

Oh, bongo, bongo, bongo, I don't want to leave the Congo, oh no no no no no — isn't that right, darling?
Oh, bingo, bangle, bungle, we're so happy in this jungle, we refuse to go!

She swings on a vine and lands among the other animals.
Dyan & animals

Don't want no bright lights, false teeth, doorbells, landlords, we'll make it clear,
That no matter how they coax us, we'll stay right here!

Three pig photographers approach Dyan and start taking her picture.
Dyan

They hurry like savages to get aboard a subway train.
And though it's smokey and it's crowded, they are too civilized to complain.
At the movies they have got to pay many coconuts to see…

Quongo throws a coconut; she catches it and poses for the pigs.
Dyan Uncivilized pictures that the camera takes of me.
She bonks them with the coconut. The animals cheer.
Dyan & animals

So bongo, bongo, bongo, we don't want to leave the Congo, oh no no no no no!
Oh, bingo, bangle, bungle, we're so happy in the jungle, we refuse to go!

Dyan Don't want no penthouse, bathtub, discos, taxis, noise in our ear.
Dyan & animals So, no matter how they coax us, we'll stay right here.
She and Quongo play a bongo solo as the animals dance and make noise. Some penguin tourists join in the fun.
Dyan & animals

So bongo, bongo, bongo, we don't want to leave the Congo, oh no no no no no!
Bingo, bangle, bungle, we're so happy in the jungle, we refuse to go!

Dyan Don't want no shotgun, jailhouse —
Alligator 1 Junk food…
Alligator 2 Punk rock…
Penguin Sitcoms…
Bird Litterbugs…
Kangaroo Smokestacks…
Tiger Pipeline…
Bird 2 Freeways…
Quongo Beer cans…
Statler & Waldorf Muppet shows …
Dyan

We'll make it clear,
That no matter how they coax us,

TMS404-Civilization
Dyan & animals

We'll stay right here!
Civilization!
We'll stay right here!

Applause.
Statler Was that Dyan?
Waldorf Sure it was! Didn't you recognize her?
Statler I thought she wore a black patch over one eye.
Waldorf No no no, that's her sister, Marsha Dyan.
They chuckle.

Backstage

Animals from the previous number pass behind Kermit and Animal.
Kermit Okay. Dyan is in good form tonight.
Animal Ahh, drum lady, drum lady.
Kermit (nods) Yes.
Animal Hubba hubba.
Kermit (nods) Mmm.
Animal (exits) Drum lady. Drum lady.
Kermit (through the intercom) Uh, Floyd and Gonzo on stage for the "Doggy in the Window" number.
Dogs rush by Kermit as Gonzo exits the dressing room.
Gonzo Kermit! (whistles)
Kermit What? (the dogs stop in their tracks)
TMS404-02
Gonzo Hold it! Hold it! Cancel the number! Floyd can't perform.
Kermit Okay, cancel the doggy number.
The dogs start to howl. He shoos them away.
Kermit Out, out, out. C'mon, back to the kennels. Okay, what's wrong with Floyd, Gonzo?
Gonzo Nothing. He's promised to take care of Miss Piggy's puppy dog.
Kermit Oh, good grief. That dog is a pain!
Gonzo Well, Kermit, can't you do something? I mean, you're the dog's da-da.
Kermit (groans) I AM NOT THAT DOG'S DA-DA!!!
Gonzo (chuckles)
Meanwhile, in Piggy's dressing room, Piggy watches as Foo-foo climbs down from a cushion.
Miss Piggy That's it, Foo-foo. Come to mama, all the way down. Oo-dee-boo-dee-boo-boo. Yes. Here, I'll help you up — (sets her on the table) There. Now, Floyd, you only have to watch over Foo-foo for a little while, just until I've done Veterinarian's Hospital.
Floyd Yeah, well make it fast, okay?
TMS404-04
Miss Piggy Mm-hm, okay, now just remember, all of Foo-foo's things are right here on the table. There's her brush, and there's her angora sweater …
Foo-foo throws it aside.
Miss Piggy Ha! Isn't that cuuuuute?
Floyd Heh. Yeah.
Miss Piggy Oh, and there is her little bowl, and her little spoon …
Floyd You want I should spoon-feed her?
Piggy and Foo-foo both nod.
Miss Piggy Oh, oh, oh, Floyd, don't forget her dental floss, right there. (points)
Floyd What?
Miss Piggy Mm-hm, especially around her back teeth. Little bits of lamb chops get stuck there. (exits)
Floyd I don't believe this. (Foo-foo snarls at him) Hey!
Miss Piggy (peers in) Floyd?
Floyd Yes, yes?
Miss Piggy Floyd? Now, you two have a wonderfoo time. Kissy-kissy, Foo-foo! (exits)
Floyd Well, don't worry your head, mama, we're gonna have a swell time, me and little puppy Foo-foo here. Yeah, I got the brush to brush her, the coat to keep her warm, and the spoon to feed her … and a nice safe place to keep the little puppy dog. Heh heh heh heh. Yes indeed.
TMS.404.Foofoo2
He picks up Foo-foo, puts her in a drawer, shuts it and traps her inside.
Floyd Breathe through the keyhole, turkey-dog. (laughs)

Veterinarian's Hospital

Piggy walks up to the operating table, and notices the patient's fuzzy slippers.
Announcer And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Miss Piggy Tickle tickle tickle.
The patient, the singer from the Atrics, giggles, and so do Rowlf and Janice.
Rowlf You know, this patient looks like my last patient.
Janice I know she does, but it isn't. This one's still breathing.
They all laugh.
Vocalist Uh oh. Does that mean I still have a chance?
Rowlf Well, you did till you came in here. (laughs)
Piggy & Janice (groan)
Miss Piggy Dr. Bob, this is an elderly patient. I hope you don't do any jokes about her age.
Rowlf If I can't do old jokes, you're takin' away my best shots! (laughs)
Miss Piggy Your only shots. (laughs)
Rowlf Ooooh! Lady, how old are you?
Vet's Hospital TMS 404
Vocalist Young man, I am an octogenarian.
Rowlf I asked your age, not your religion. (laughs)
Miss Piggy (groans) Dr. Bob!
Rowlf I just wanted to make a little joke.
Miss Piggy Did you want to make it that little?
Rowlf, Piggy, Janice Oooohh!
Vocalist Young man, young man, do you know what an octogenarian is?
Rowlf Sure. You're like a vegetarian, only you eat octopuses! (laughs)
Piggy & Janice (groan)
Miss Piggy Dr. Bob, please! This patient is dying.
Rowlf She's dying? We're all dying! (laughs) We need a little help from the man upstairs. (they all look up)
Announcer And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
Rowlf Thank you!
Announcer Tune in next week, when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say …
Miss Piggy Oh, Dr. Bob, the patient is at death's door!
Rowlf Don't worry, I'll pull her through!
They all laugh.
Miss Piggy "Pull her through"!

Dressing Room

Dyan finishes a cup of tea. Kermit knocks on the door.
Dyan Mm-hm, come in.
Kermit Hi, Dyan, is everything okay?
Dyan Mm. Hi, Kermit. Sure, everything's fine.
Kermit Uh, is the wig alright?
Dyan Listen, I was going to ask you about that. I'm not wearing a wig on this show.
Kermit Oh, no, it's not to wear.
He walks over to a cage with a wig inside.
Kermit It's a, umm, it's a pet wig.
The wig snarls and bites the cage.
Kermit Uh, it belongs to Smiling Jim Sepulveda and his Tap-dancing Toupees.
TMS404-05
Dyan I've never seen a pet wig before. What do you feed them?
Kermit Oh, anything, um, table scraps, mostly.
Dyan Really? Table scraps?
Kermit Mm-hm.
She clears the table and breaks off a piece of it to feed to the wig.
Dyan You mean, um … like this?
The wig scarfs down the table piece. Dyan laughs.

UK Spot

Rowlf plays the piano.
Rowlf And now, here's a lovely song that's about an old dog friend of mine, who's no longer with us. His name was … well, his name was Tray. And it goes like this.
Rowlf

What gentler eye … what nobler … heart …
Does warm the winter day …
Than the true, blue orb … and the oaken core …
Of beloved old dog Tray?

Dogs gather around the piano with hankies as he sings, and they all start to howl and cry.
TMS404-Man's Best Friend-Old Dog Trey
Rowlf Modulate!

What gentler eye … what nobler … heart …
Does warm the winter's day …
Than the true, blue orb … >sniff< and the oaken core …
Of beloved old dog >sniff< Tray?

All the dogs, including Rowlf, are bawling out loud by the end.

The Swedish Chef

Open on the Chef, with a boiling pot on the stove. He waves a pan and spatula.
Swedish Chef (sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
He tosses them aside.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … de høttï døggï. … De døggï … (displays a frankfurter)(mock Swedish) … de høttï pøttï. (opens the lid and tests the heat) Woo woo woo. (mock Swedish) … de døggï intø de pøttï.
He opens the pot and empties the bowl of frankfurters.
Voice Psst! Psst! Psst!
The Chef wonders where the voice is coming from.
Swedish Chef (peeks into the pot) Hellø?
Voice Psst! Psst!
It's Piggy, crawling on the floor.
Miss Piggy Psst! Psst! Chef.
Swedish Chef Oh! (chuckles) (mock Swedish) … de pïg.
Miss Piggy Have you seen Foo-foo?
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … "Foo-foo"?
Miss Piggy Foo-foo, my dog, you twit.
Swedish Chef Døg?
Miss Piggy Yes.
Swedish Chef Oh. De døg is in de pøttï. (removes the lid and points)
Miss Piggy What?!?
Swedish Chef Jå. Eat døggï, jå?
Miss Piggy Wha — Foo-foo, wait! Hi-YAH!
She tries to karate-chop the Chef, but he blocks her with the lid. BONNNGGGG! Piggy is left shaken.
SwedishChefHotDogs
Swedish Chef (offers a frankfurter) Piggï eatï høt døggï?
Statler I don't understand him. Why doesn't he go back to what he was doing before he became a chef?
Waldorf What was that?
Statler Nothing.
They chuckle.

Dressing Room

In her dressing room, a distraught Piggy searches for Foo-foo.
Miss Piggy Foo-foo!
Dyan (from outside) Piggy! Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy (looks under the table) Foo-foo!
Dyan (enters) Oh, Miss Piggy, have you seen the fantastic dance that Kermit did for — what's the matter, darling? What's the matter?
Miss Piggy (in tears) Foof — Foo-foo …
Dyan (sits down next to her) Foo-foo, yes, your dog, I hear she's absolutely adorable.
Miss Piggy Gone!
Dyan What do you mean gone?
Miss Piggy I can't find Foo-foo anywhere!
Dyan Well — well, she's bound to show up — Piggy, wait a minute. She's bound to show up, isn't she?
Miss Piggy (starts babbling incoherently)
Dyan (cradles her) No, darling, you mustn't cry, now. Come on, calm down.
Miss Piggy Oh, help me.
Dyan Let me get you some tissue. Where are your tissues?
Miss Piggy Right in the drawer there.
Dyan Over here?
Miss Piggy Oh, Foo-foo … Foo-foo …
Dyan Piggy, come on now, calm down.
She opens the drawer. Foo-foo pops up with a tissue in her mouth, but remains unnoticed by both of them. Dyan takes the tissue and hands it to Piggy.
Dyan Here, sweetheart, come on.
Miss Piggy I love you … my little doggy …
Dyan Let me dry your eyes. Give me a blow now.
Miss Piggy (blows her nose)
Dyan Good, good, now you dry off …
She closes the drawer, trapping Foo-foo inside again.
Dyan Now you must contain yourself.
Kermit (peers in) Uh, Piggy, Dyan, uh, on stage for your big production number, please.
Dyan Oh, good, alright, now come on.
Miss Piggy Oh! No, I — I can't! Oh, Dyana, I must find Foo-foo first! I can't! Please! No … no …
Dyan Come on — Piggy! Piggy, it's time to do the number. Now listen to me. Do you know where you are? I think you've forgotten where you are, Piggy.
Miss Piggy Wha …
Dyan Piggy, this is the theater. And you are a star. Now you must go on, Piggy. I mean, the whole world expects it of you, don't they? Your loyal fans expect it of you, Piggy. Your frog expects it of you.
Miss Piggy (starts humming "There's No Business Like Show Business")
Dyan Yes. You must look away from the tragedy. You must fight back the tears, and you must look to the footlights. Yes, Piggy — yes, this is your legend! And this is your life.
Miss Piggy Yes! Dyan …
Dyan Yes?
Miss Piggy Hand me my wrap!
Dyan Yes, your wrap!
Miss Piggy I shall go on! As a superstar!
Dyan Yes! Yes, Miss Piggy!
She hands Piggy a white feather boa, and happens to be holding Foo-foo.
Miss Piggy Oh! Thank you, Dyan! Thank you, Foo-foo! (realizes) Foo-foo! Oh, Foo-foo! (nuzzles up) Foo-foo! She's come back! Oh, Foo-foo!
Dyan She's come back to you …
Kermit Uh, excuse me — uh, listen, uh, you guys took so long, so we had to cancel the number.
TMS404-06
Piggy and Dyan Cancel the number?
Miss Piggy (chases after Kermit) WHY YOU …
Kermit (stammering) Piggy, uh, wait a second, I can explain —
Miss Piggy Hi-YAH!!
She karate-chops him out of the room, as Dyan cuddles Foo-foo.
Statler You think this show constitutes cruelty to animals?
Waldorf Not unless they're watching it.
They chuckle.

Backstage

Animal looks at the drums from the earlier "Civilization" number.
Animal Drums. My drums.
Kermit No, no, Animal, those are practice drums. They're Dyan Cannon's.
TMS404-07
Animal Cannons?
Kermit Mm-hm.
Animal MY CANNONS! MY CANNONS!
Kermit No no no, they are drums.
Animal MY DRUMS! MY DRUMS!
Kermit (shakes head) I give up.
Animal Frog give up.
Kermit Will you get outta here??
Animal exits. Kermit spots Floyd about to enter Piggy's dressing room.
Kermit Uh, Floyd, aren't you supposed to be in the band for the closing number?
Floyd Mm-mm. Can't, man. I promised I'd go have a chat with the pork princess. (snickers)
Kermit (to the viewer) Oh boy. If I were Floyd, I wouldn't do that, because maybe Miss Piggy has realized that he's the one that stuffed Foo-foo into the drawer.
Miss Piggy Hi-YAH!!
Floyd comes flying out of the dressing room, landing on the drums.
Kermit Uh, strike the maybe.
Floyd gets up, looking dizzy.

"Big Spender"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Uh, well, folks, I suppose you've noticed that there have been a lot of canines on tonight's show. In fact, I suppose you could say that the whole show has gone to the dogs.
A tough-looking terrier towers over Kermit.
Kermit Uh, you could say that, but I certainly wouldn't.
Terrier Why not say it? Some folks think going to the dogs is a very good thing.
Kermit Indeed, indeed. Uh, my feelings exactly. Uh, thank you, sir.
The dog walks away.
Kermit Well, uh, and that's why we've sent our guest star down to the pet shop, and here she is, ladies and gentlemen, miss Dyan Cannon! Yaaaayyy!
Open on a pet shop full of dogs. Dyan looks in the window, then enters.
Dyan The minute I walked in the joint …
Dogs

Woof woof! We could see you were a girl of distinction.
A real big spender. (Woof!)
Good lookin', so refined.

Dyan

Say, wouldn't you like to know what's goin' on in my mind?
So let me get right to the point.

Dogs Woof woof!
Dyan I don't pop my cork for every guy I see.
Dogs

Woof woof woof!
Hey big spender, arooooo!
Spend … a little time with me!

Dyan Wouldn't you like to have fun, fun, fun?
Dogs How's about a few (woof!) laughs, (woof!) laughs, (woof!)
Dyan I could show you a…
Dogs (Woof! Woof!)
Dyan …a good time!
Dogs (Woof!) Let us show you a (Woof! Woof!) good time!
They all bark and howl as she pets them.
Dyan Yes, you too. … You're so handsome here, aren't you? Aren't you handsome?
An orchestral vamp plays as she kneels down and notices a homely spaniel.
Dyan Wouldn't you like to be mine?
Spaniel
Spaniel Yours?
Dyan Mine.
Spaniel We could have a good time.
Dyan Fine.
Spaniel Time.
Dyan I could get you a … a big bone.
Spaniel Would you take me to … (pant) … your home?
Dyan Oh, yes.
She carries him out of the shop.
Spaniel The minute you walked in the shop …
Dyan

I could see you were a dog of distinction.
A real class Spaniel.
Good lookin', so refined.

Spaniel I'm sure you know by now what's goin' on in my mind.
Dyan So let me get right to the point.
Spaniel I don't wag my tail for every girl I see.
Dogs

Hey big spender, (arooooo …)
Hey big spender, (arooooo …)
Hey big spender (arooooo …)
Spend …

TMS404-Hey Big Spender
Dyan

… a little time with me.
I'll take you home with me.
We'll live so happily.

The dogs gather around her as the music ends. Applause.

Goodnights

Kermit Okay! Well, it has been quite a show and I have certainly had a good time.
Piggy rushes up, holding Foo-foo.
Miss Piggy Kermie! Kermie! Kermie! Oh, oh, oh, I found Foo-foo! Ohh.
Foo-foo Woof!
Kermit (frowns) Uh, so much for good times.
Janice Hey guys, has anybody seen Floyd?
Miss Piggy Oh, heh, don't worry about Floyd. (to Foo-foo) He can breathe through the keyhole. (Foo-foo giggles)
Kermit What? Well, anyhow, it's time now to thank our wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, miss Dyan Cannon! Yaaaayy!
Dyan comes out with her adopted dog from the closing number.
Dyan Thank you very much. And thank you, Kermit.
TMS404-08
Dyan Oh, that's such a cute little dog. You must be proud of him, Da-da.
Kermit I — I am not that dog's Da-da.
Dyan (laughs)
Janice You're his Da-da? I didn't know you were his Da-da.
Kermit We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Janice continues talking as more dogs gather and the credits roll.
Statler Well, I think I'll go to the dentist.
Waldorf Now?
Statler Sure! After this show, nothing hurts!
They chuckle and exit the balcony.
Atv zoot
THE END

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