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Episode 402: Crystal Gayle/transcript

< Episode 402: Crystal Gayle

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Cold Open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door.
Scooter Crystal Gayle! Fifteen seconds to curtain, Crystal!
Crystal Oh, thanks, Scooter. Would you do me a favor and cue me on my lines?
Scooter Well, sure!
Crystal Gayle Scooter
He walks over to the table and reads from the script.
Scooter Uh, "Crystal Gayle! Fifteen seconds to curtain, Crystal!"
Crystal "Thanks, Scooter. Would you do me a favor and cue me on my lines?"
Scooter Perfect! (walks out)
Crystal (to viewer) If it helps any, I didn't understand that either.

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Crystal Gayle! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
MuppetShopen4
Penguins appear in the balcony.
Waldorf Why did you invite these penguins?
Statler Because the aardvarks have the flu.
They chuckle.
GOnzo theme
Gonzo plays as bubbles come out of his trumpet.


Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show! We call it that because um, uh, well, we call it that because the whole show is just filled with Muppets! Uh, plus one human being. And tonight it's a very special human being, the lovely recording artist, miss Crystal Gayle! But first! But first, we present an old German folk song. And it's not from West Germany, it's not from East Germany, it seems to be from uh … South Germany? Why not?
Character.walrus
The curtain opens on a German brewery. German penguins, pigs, dogs, a goat, and a walrus sing an oom-pah version of "Swanee".
Statler Well, what'd you think of that number?
Waldorf I can't talk about it.
Statler Why not?
Waldorf I still have relatives in Germany.
They chuckle.

Backstage

Scooter praire dogs
Scooter conducts a group of prairie dogs who sing "Somebody Stole My Gal".
Kermit Hi there, Scooter.
Scooter Oh, hi, Kermit.
Kermit Hey, the Prairie Dog Glee Club really sounds good.
Scooter Yeah, well, they've been working really hard.
Kermit notices the critters carrying things around the room.
Kermit Yeah, they're uh … they're still working pretty hard. Scooter, what are they doing?
Scooter Guys, come on! Cut it out! Aww. Take five!
Prairie dog Each?
The critters cheer and help themselves to what's on the table.
Scooter I mean, stop it! I'm sorry, Kermit, I guess they've got a little pack rat blood in 'em. They keep stealing everything.
Kermit Yeah, but … eh … we can't have this on the show, Scooter.
Scooter Yeah, I know.
Kermit Uh, you better talk to 'em. I gotta go introduce Crystal Gayle. (exits)
Scooter Okay, guys, I'm gonna count to three, and I wanna see everything just in the place it was! Okay? (covers his eyes) One … two … three!
He opens his eyes, and the entire area has been stripped. A door slams.
Scooter What the hey?


"River Road"

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit Okay! Well, enough of this nonsense! It is sanity time here on The Muppet Show, and here is our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, the lovely miss Crystal Gayle.
Open on Crystal strolling down a road. She is joined by a dog, then by other runaways.
River road
Crystal

Here I go once again with my suitcase in my hand
And I'm running away down River Road
And I swear, once again, that I'm never coming home
I'm chasing my dreams down River Road

Crystal

Mama said, "Listen child, you're too old to run wild
You're too big to be fishin' with the boys these days"
So I grabbed some clothes and ran
Stole five dollars from a sugar can
A twelve year old jail breaker runnin' away.

Crystal, runaways

Here I go once again with my suitcase in my hand
And I'm running away down River Road
And I swear, once again, that I'm never coming home
I'm chasing my dreams down River Road.

She is joined by a horse, a baby, and an escaped convict.
Crystal

Well, I married a pretty good man and he tries to understand
But he knows I've got leavin' on my mind these days
When I get that urge to run, I'm just like a kid again
The same old jail breaker runnin' away.

Crystal, runaways

Here I go once again with my suitcase in my hand
And I'm running away down River Road
And I swear, once again, that I'm never coming home
I'm chasing my dreams down River Road.

An old lady passes.
Old lady You look like you're running away.
Crystal Sure I am.
Old lady Yeah. I ran away, in 1924.
Crystal What happened?
Old lady Ehh, I'm still runnin'. I sleep on the hard ground every night, haven't changed my socks since World War II. Last night for dinner, I ate a fence post.
Crystal turns around and heads home.
Whatnots, pigs

There she goes, home again, with her suitcase in her hand
No more running away down River Road.

Crystal

And I swear, once again, that I'm never leaving home
To go running away down River Road.
To go running away down River Road.

Applause.
Waldorf Nice song.
Statler Yeah. Kinda reminds me of the time I ran away from home.
Waldorf When was that?
Statler Last night. The wife was driving me crazy!
They chuckle.


Backstage

The cast of the opening number passes by Kermit.
Kermit Okay. Nice number, guys. Very pretty, Crystal.
Scooter Hey, boss?
Kermit Okay, yes?
Scooter The Prairie Dog Glee Club's ready!
Kermit Oh, good. I'll schedule their number in the second half of the show.
Scooter Good.
Kermit Uh, did you uh, talk to them about stealing though?
SCooter and Kermit
Scooter Yeah, but I think you'd better talk to 'em. I mean, after all, you are the head honcho. I think they'd listen to you.
Kermit Okay.
Scooter Hey, fellas? Uh, Kermit wants to talk to you.
The critters gather around Kermit, and Scooter leaves.
Kermit Uh, yeah. Uh, listen, gang, it's not nice to take other people's things. You see, that's called —
The critters start taking things again, clearing Kermit's desk.
Kermit — uh, that's called stealing and uh — uh — guys! Scooter!
Scooter Yeah, boss?
Kermit They've taken everything!
Scooter Oh, no!
Kermit's collar is immediately snatched off. He hides behind his desk in embarrassment.
Scooter Gee, boss. I've never seen you naked before.
Kermit scurries away.

Dressing Room

Crystal hears a knock on her door.
Crystal Who is it?
Beauregard enters with a piece of paper.
Beauregard It's me, miss Gayle, Beauregard the janitor. (he closes the door)
Crystal What can I do for you, Beauregard?
Beauregard and Crystal
Beauregard Well, um … uh … (takes off his hat) Could I have your autograph?
Crystal You sure can.
She takes his paper, signs it, and gives it back to him.
Crystal There you go.
Beauregard Okay, thank y — hey, wait, this is no good! It's upside down!
She turns it right side up.
Crystal How's that?
Beauregard (in awe) How did you do that?!
She chuckles.


Pigs in Space

Vehicle.Swinetrek
Announcer And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Inside the Swinetrek, a buzzing noise is heard.
Miss Piggy Oh! Listen! The warning buzzer!
Link Hogthrob Someone's outside the door.
The door opens, and Dr. Julius enters, looking quite messy.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Oh, Captain! Captain Link! All is lost!
Link Hogthrob What?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Oh, they breached our security! There's no stopping them! Our weapons are useless!
Link and Piggy begin to cower.
Dr. Julius Strangepork He'll be here soon, with his storm troopers! (feeling faint) I … held them off as long as I … could!
He collapses on the dashboard.
Miss Piggy Oh! Captain, is he … (dramatic sting)
Link Hogthrob Yes, I'm afraid he's … (dramatic sting)
Dr. Julius Strangepork (gets up) I'm resting. That was a difficult scene to play.
Link Hogthrob (grabs Dr. Julius) You must tell us, who has breached our security? Who is outside of our door?!
Dr. Julius Strangepork Dearth Nadir! (dramatic sting)
Miss Piggy Dearth Nadir? I have never heard of him!
Dr. Julius Strangepork He's the scourge of the universe! A heartless, power-mad fiend, who hides behind an impenetrable mask!
Link Hogthrob (to Piggy) He's badder than anyone.
Miss Piggy Oh! Oh, what shall we do?
Link Hogthrob What can we do? (picks up the phone) Link's mommy wanted, on the bridge!
A beeping noise is heard. He puts down the phone.
Dr. Julius Strangepork The warning buzzer!
Link Hogthrob He's at the other door!
The other door opens, and a figure in black emerges, breathing heavily.
Miss Piggy Uh, who, who — who are you behind that mask?
DearthNadir-Piggy
Gonzo Ha! And well you might ask!
Piggy's fear changes to disgust.
Miss Piggy Oh, good grief. (sigh)
Gonzo Storm troopers! Surround them!
A group of helmet-wearing chickens enters, and surrounds Link.
Link Hogthrob Oh! My goodness, they look brutal!
Miss Piggy Oh, you have got to be kidding.
Gonzo Okay, girls! Flock them to death! (dramatic sting)
The chickens begin pecking the pigs.
Link Hogthrob OH! OH HELP! OH!
Miss Piggy Get them out of here.
Announcer Tune in next week, for an apology for this week's … PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Dr. Julius Strangepork Ha ha ha! That tickles!

UK Spot - "Hold Tight, Hold Tight (Want Some Seafood Mama)"

Rowlf plays the piano.
Rowlf

There is a lone shark from Cincinnati
Who comes daily to his fishery.
Fish is what he eats.
Listen to this story.

Fish trio

Hold tight, hold tight
Hold tight, hold tight, fododo-de-yacka saki

Shark

Want some seafood, Mama!
Shrimps and rice, they're very nice!

Fish trio

Hold tight, hold tight
Hold tight, hold tight, fododo-de-yacka saki

Shark

Want some seafood, Mama!
Codfish in sauce, and then of course,
I like oysters, lobsters too!
I like my tasty bit of fish!
When I come home from work at night,
I get my favorite dish, fish!

Fish trio

Hold tight, hold tight
Hold tight, hold tight, fododo-de-yacka saki

Shark

Want some seafood, Mama!
Shrimps and rice, they're very nice!

A lobster joins Rowlf at the piano. Lew Zealand emerges from the piano.
Lew Zealand Hey, this is my kinda song! Hee hee hee hee! (kisses his fish)
The shark catches the lobster.
Fish trio

Hold tight, hold tight
Hold tight, hold tight, fododo-de-yacka saki

Shark

Want some seafood, Mama!
Shrimps and rice, they're very nice!

Rowlf plays.
Shark

Fododo-de-yacka saki,
Want some seafood, Mama!
Codfish in sauce, and of course,
I like kippers, mackerel too!
And I like my tasty bit of fish!
When I come home from work at night,
I get my favorite dish, fish!

Fish trio

Hold tight, hold tight
Hold tight, hold tight, fododo-de-yacka saki

Shark

Want some seafood, Mama!
Shrimps and rice…

Fish trio Very nice!
Hold tight
Another lobster hits the last note. The lobster bows, then is caught by the shark.

Backstage

Crystal comes downstairs from her dressing room, encountering Kermit with a paper bag over his head.
Crystal Is that you, Kermit?
Kermit (nods) Yes, ma'am.
Paperbag
Crystal Do you often wear a bag over your head?
Kermit Those dumb prairie dogs — they took away my collar.
Crystal So?
Kermit Well, you wouldn't want me to go around naked, would you?
Crystal Well … no, it's a family show.
Kermit It used to be.
Crystal (chuckles) Hey. We can put something else around your neck. (starts looking around) We can find it…
Kermit Yeah, well, my other collar's at the cleaners. (she takes off his paper bag and he shrieks)
Crystal Well, let's see … see what this does.
She wraps a feather boa around his neck.
Kermit Well, I don't know, I feel kinda dumb.
Crystal No …
The prairie dogs gather around Kermit, giggling.
Prairie dog Boy, do you look dumb!
They all laugh and run away. Kermit goes after them.
Kermit Come back here!
Crystal (chuckling) Oh dear, I don't think I helped any.


"Sixty Seconds Got Together"

Sixty Seconds Got Together
Gills Brothers

(Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.)
Sixty seconds got together and they decided to become a minute.
(Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.)
Sixty minutes got together and they decided to become an hour.
(Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.)

Fish #1 Twenty-four hours kept ticking away.
Fish #2 And they all voted to call it a day.
Fish #3 But darling, in a day, there wasn't time to say
Gills Brothers

How much I love you!
(Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.)
Seven days, they got together and decided to become a week.
(Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.)
As they grew and grew, then fifty-two weeks decided to become a year
(Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.)
That's why sixty seconds every minute, sixty minutes every hour,

Fish #4 Every hour, every day, every day, every week,
Gills Brothers

Every week in every year,
All I do is dream of you, my dear.

Fish #4 Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick.

Backstage

In her dressing room, Piggy looks around frantically. Kermit peers in, trying to conceal the feather boa he's wearing.
Kermit Did you want to see me, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy Oh, yes, come in, Kermie! Oh! Oh!
Kermit Can I talk to you from here?
Miss Piggy No, no, I want to show you something! Now get in here!
Kermit (walks over) See, I can explain about this outfit.
Miss Piggy Oh, who cares about your silly costume! Look at this!
KErmit and miss piggy 403
She points him to a mannequin pig-head.
Miss Piggy See, see, my black wig that I wear for Latin numbers — it's missing!
Kermit Oh.
Miss Piggy And my long lavender gloves, and my simulated pearls, and everything! It's all gone!
Kermit Uh, well, you see, I've gotta go out on stage and make an introduction. I'll explain to you later.
He almost leaves, but she steps on his boa and knocks him over.
Miss Piggy You'll explain to me now.
Kermit Well, you see, we've got — on the show, we've got these prairie dogs.
Miss Piggy What?
Kermit Uh, yeah, a-and they …
The critters pop up wearing Piggy's clothes. She shrieks.
Kermit Uh, guys, you're on stage in a second! Now put all that stuff back!
They throw her clothes all over the room. Her black wig lands on her head. Kermit exits.
Miss Piggy Kermit! Kermit! Where are ya? What is this? What? …
She gets the wig off, and scowls.


"The Best Things in Life Are Free"

Main stage. A fanfare plays, and Kermit peeks out from the curtain.
Kermit Um, uh, hi there! I thought I would just kinda peek out here and introduce our next act. Uh, it is the barbershop harmonies of our own singing prairie dogs. Uh, they're, they're really terrific, so hang on to your hats, and uh, you might also keep an eye on your wallets. Ladies and gentlemen, the singing prairie dogs!
The curtain opens to a barbershop setting. Fozzie sits in the barber chair with a towel wrapped around his face, as the critters sing and steal things.
Prairie dogs

The moon belongs to everyone.
The best things in life are free.
The stars belong to everyone.
They cling there for you and for me.
The flowers in spring,
The robins that sing,
The sunbeams that shine,
They're yours! They're mine!
And love can come to everyone!
The best things in life are free!
The flowers in spring,
The robins that sing,
The sunbeams that shine,
They're yours! They're mine!
And love can come to everyone!
The best things in life,
The best things in life,
The best things in life, are …

They unravel Fozzie's towel, revealing him in his police uniform.
Fozzie Stop! I, Bear on Patrol, put you under arrest!
Patrol Prairie
Link Hogthrob Wait, wait, wait, deputy Bear, surely you're not arresting these cute little things here as common thieves?
Fozzie But, but I have witnesses!
Switch to the balcony —
Statler The bear's right!
Waldorf The prairie dogs are thieves!
Fozzie and Link have just had their clothes have been snatched off. They fret, as the critters giggle.
Switch to the balcony. Statler and Waldorf chuckle.
Statler They stole their clothes right off their —
They suddenly notice that they're in their long johns. The critters pop up and giggle.

Muppet Labs

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew I'm Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, this is Muppet Labs, and I'm tickled pink to announce our solution to the banana problem.
Beaker enters with a banana bunch, singing.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew As you know, once removed from the bunch, bananas cannot be reinserted.
Beaker tries it himself to no avail.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew This results in extra bananas lying around underfoot, where they can be hazardous to your health.
Beaker slips and falls. Bunsen snickers.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Such problems disappear with our new electric banana sharpener. Show them, Beaker.
Beaker pulls a lever, then inserts a banana into the sharpener. It pops out on Bunsen's end.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Ah. Say goodbye forever to dull bananas.
Beaker Bye-bye!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew With this equipment, you can store bananas on any convenient vertical surface.
He launches the pointed banana in Beaker's direction, and it sticks to the wall, inches from his head.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew You can even store a whole bunch this way.
BananaBeaker
SPROING! He launches four more towards Beaker.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew And that's all for today from Muppet Labs. (snickers)
The curtain closes.


"We Must Believe in Magic"

Scooter Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Kermit's having what you might call costume problems tonight, so he's asked me to introduce our very special guest star again. Is the scenery ready?
Voices (from behind the curtain) Yeah, it's ready.
Scooter Ah. Here she is again, miss Crystal Gayle!
The curtain opens to reveal Crystal on an old ship at night. She is surrounded by spirits, who dance around her and cackle as she sings "We Must Believe in Magic".
TMS.402.WeMustBelieve

Goodnights

The stage. Beauregard carries a wardrobe wall to conceal Kermit as he moves across the stage.
Kermit Okay, well, we've just about come down to the end of another one, but — Beauregard!! Oof!
Beauregard Sorry!
Beauregard places him at the center of the stage.
Kermit Okay, okay. Well, we've just about come down to the end of another one, but before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, miss Crystal Gayle! Yaaaay!
Crystal comes out and bows.
Crystal Thank you, Kermit, for a lovely evening.
Kermit Oh, it's been our pleasure. Incidentally, you can have your feather boa back.
Crystal Closing
ZIP! A prairie dog snatches it.
Kermit Hey! Will you come back with — AAH! Bring that thing back!
He hides behind the wall, which is also snatched away.
Kermit (hides behind Crystal) We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
As the credits roll, the critters tear off Crystal's dress, and other Muppets show up with their clothes snatched off. One of the critters has Kermit's collar.
The balcony: Statler and Waldorf are now wearing barrels.
Waldorf Well, so much for the prairie dogs.
Statler Yeah, now we gotta worry about termites!
They chuckle.
Atv zoot
THE END

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