Episode 401: John Denver/transcript

Cold open

	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door.
Scooter	John Denver. 15 seconds to curtain, John.
John	All right, Scooter. Thanks!
	Scooter departs. Waldorf enters.
Waldorf	Listen Denver, you're a good kid. Let me help you get away so you don't have to do this crummy show. Come on!
John	Wait a minute. I want to work with the Muppets.
Waldorf	You do?
John	Well, yeah! I think this is a terrific show, Waldorf.
Waldorf	You're beyond help! Heh!
	Waldorf departs. John chuckles.

Theme

Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, John Denver! Yaaay!
	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler	Well?
Waldorf	He wouldn't listen. They must have brainwashed him.
	Gonzo's head explodes and appears in another corner.
Gonzo	Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Whoopee!

Opening number

	Main stage. Enter Kermit.
Kermit	Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show! It is going to be a terrific show tonight because our guest star is one of the great talents of the music world, Mr. John Denver. And because John is such an outdoors lover, we're going to spend a lot of the show in the country.
	Beauregard peers from behind the curtain.
Beauregard	Kermit, Kermit, I haven't quite finished building the set yet.
Kermit	Well, uh, how much time do you need?
Beauregard	Thursday?
Kermit	Uh, Beau, we have to do the number now!
Beauregard	Well okay, but it looks like a battlefield back there.
Kermit	It's supposed to.
Beauregard	Oh. Then it's finished.
Kermit	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, our opening number!
	Song: "Why Can't We Be Friends?"
	A group of Whatnot soldiers (including Crazy Harry) sing "Why Can't We Be Friends" (with additional lyrics). Outfits include Roman, Musketeers of the Guard, First French Empire (the Napoleonic Wars), Imperial Russian Army, American Civil War, American cowboys and native Americans, and World War I. At the end, Statler and Waldorf fire at the fighters with a machine gun, and they collectively surrender.
Waldorf	They got up. We must have missed them.
Statler	We didn't miss them, we were shooting blanks.
Waldorf	We were?
Statler	Of course!
	Statler accidentally fires another round, reaching the ceiling.
Statler	Well, some of them were blanks.
	Waldorf chuckles.

Backstage

	The cast of the opening number passes by Kermit.
Kermit	Okay, nice opening number.
Indian	Oh, thank you very much, sir.
Kermit	Okay, soldiers, nicely waged.
Floyd	All right, J. Amphibiousness, now, what is this important announcement you wanted to make?
Miss Piggy	Yes, what?
	Floyd, Piggy, Scooter, Fozzie, Beau and Gonzo begin to gather and express curiosity.
Kermit	Okay, uh, hey, listen everybody, John Denver has invited us all to join him on a weekend camping trip.
	The rest react with excitement.
Miss Piggy	Oh! Up in the mountains?
Kermit	Uh, well, no, actually, see, John and I decided it would fun to take you all and show you the land of my birth.
Miss Piggy	You mean?
Kermit	Yes, it will be a weekend in the swamp!
	Everyone except Kermit groans.
Scooter	Well, I just remembered I've got a basketball game on Saturday.
Floyd	Yeah, and the band's got three extra gigs this weekend.
Gonzo	And, uh, I've signed up for a seminar on mildew.
Miss Piggy	Now, listen everyone. A wonderful thing has just happened. Our Kermie has offered to take us on a visit to his homeland. (Gets close to Kermit) Overnight. (Kermit looks stressed) I think we should all be grateful to him.
Kermit	Well, thank you very much, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Mm-hmm. Besides, a weekend in the swamp will be very healthy for you all.
Floyd	And just how do you figure that?
Miss Piggy	If you go, I won't put you in the hospital.
Scooter	Let's go pack those knapsacks, guys.
	Scooter and rest of them exit.
Miss Piggy	You do that, good.
Kermit	Nice spirit. (exits, leaving Piggy by herself)
Miss Piggy	(sigh) I wonder if they have room service.

"Garden Song"

	Main stage. Enter Kermit.
Kermit	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, with us tonight is one of the good guys of contemporary music, Mr. John Denver.
	Open curtain. John sings “Garden Song” with some flowers.
Statler	You know something? That was a sweet number.
Waldorf	It sure was.
Statler	You know something else?
Waldorf	What?
Statler	I hate sweet numbers.
	They chuckle.

Backstage

	The flowers pass by Kermit.
Kermit	Okay, very good, flowers. Get to your dressing pots.
Miss Piggy	Kermie! (dodges the flowers) Kermie, oh, I am so excited about spending a weekend in the swamp with vous, you little green hunk, you. (gives him a kiss)
Kermit	Yeah, well, very good Miss Piggy. But you must remember that camping can be tough 'cause we're gonna be roughing it.
Miss Piggy	Oh, I know. That is why I'm only bringing four long dresses. And of course, a dozen pairs of shoes. And, uh, some apres swim togs …
Kermit	Wait, wait, wait…
Miss Piggy	and my sun visor spectacles.
Kermit	Piggy, Piggy, you can't carry all that stuff.
Miss Piggy	Carry? I do not intend to carry anything.
Kermit	But, campers carry everything they need. Look, come here a second.
Miss Piggy	What, what?
	Kermit walks her over to a backpack.
Kermit	See, for instance, Floyd here has just packed his backpack. See that?
Miss Piggy	You expect moi to carry that heavy thing?
Kermit	Sure, that's how you go camping.
Miss Piggy	Forget it. I am not going.
Kermit	Okay, as you will.
	Kermit walks past Annie Sue.
Annie Sue	Oh, Mr. Kermit, sir. When we get to the swamp, will you give me a swimming lesson?
Kermit	Oh, why, sure, Annie Sue. It uh, it might be kinda fun to teach a cute little pig to, uh, frog kick. (chuckles)
Annie Sue	Thank you sir.
Miss Piggy	Kermie!
	She grunts while carrying the backpack.
Miss Piggy	Kermie, you were right. This backpack weighs next to nothing. See?
	WHACK! She knocks down Annie Sue with the backpack.
Miss Piggy	Oh, Annie Sue. Pardon moi. (walks away)

The Swedish Chef: Squirrel Stew

	The forest. The Chef sings his theme while waving ladles.
Swedish Chef	(Singing) Yøeng, bør dëng, De hü, badeskedøø, Ye bø gedür deyør Mmm børk børk børk!
	He tosses away the ladles. A gopher giggles, while a possum catches one in its mouth, then spits it out.
Swedish Chef	(addresses viewer) Yøngish vøern de grëat outdøorsÿ, we mäke de squïrlÿ stëw. (Points to the pot) De squïrlÿ …
Swedish Chef	(examines the pot) No squïrlÿ. Ooh. (calls around) So … squïrlÿ! Oh, where de squïr - (Spots a squirrel in a tree) Oh, squïrlÿ! Hellø, squïrlÿ!
	The squirrel waves.
Swedish Chef	Cøme øo. Oh squïrlÿ.
Squirrel	(shakes head) Uh-uh.
Swedish Chef	Oh be gøo. Come on doø.
Squirrel	(shakes head) Uh-uh.
Swedish Chef	(to viewer) We shake the tree.
	He begins to rattle the tree as the squirrel hangs on for its life.
Swedish Chef	CØME DØWN, SQUÏRLŸ! CØME DØWN …
	Many squirrels fall from the tree; the Chef scrambles to catch them.
Swedish Chef	Cøme on døwn, squïrlÿ, here … aha, hëre de squïrlÿs! Cøme øn squïrlÿs! I'll get yøü! Into de pot — OH!!
	He reacts to being bitten on the hand, then picks up a meat cleaver and chases the squirrels off-stage.
Swedish Chef	Cøme øn squïrlÿ, I get de squïrlÿ … WWWAAAAAAHHH!
	A bear seizes the meat cleaver and chases the Chef away. The squirrels cheer him on.
Bear	(speaks his own gibberish, imitating the Chef) Bork, bork, bork!
	He tosses the cleaver away. The squirrels laugh.

Backstage

	John walks downstairs from his dressing room and sits by Gonzo.
John	(singing to himself) Inch by inch, row by row. Hi-ya Gonzo.
Gonzo	Oh, hi, John!
John	How you doing, man?
Gonzo	I'm doing fine. Hey, I really enjoyed your last number.
John	Aw, thanks very much, Gonzo. I enjoyed that, too.
Gonzo	Yeah, hey listen, I wonder if you'd share some of the secrets of your success with me since we're both in the same field.
John	Well, yeah, I'd be happy to. You know, you've got to take care of your throat. You can't let yourself get too tired when you're singing...
Gonzo	Oh, I don't need help with my singing. (sigh) I need help with my gardening.
John	You've got a garden?
Gonzo	Oh, yeah, John. I've got the world's biggest mold garden.
John	Mold garden?
Gonzo	Yeah, mold.
John	Far out. How did you get into that?
Gonzo	Well, about a year ago, I went away on vacation, and I forgot to clean out my refrigerator.
John	Yeah?
Gonzo	And, when I got back, the food was all green and fuzzy, and it was just too cute to throw out.
John	So, what's the problem?
Gonzo	Well, I don't have any privacy anymore. Sometimes I think my garden is plotting against me.
John	You're kidding.
	Gonzo yelps as mushrooms surround him and John.
John	You know, you could be right. There's a fungus among us.
Mushroom	Gonzo?
Gonzo	What?
Mushroom	The bulb in the refrigerator got busted.
Gonzo	How did that happen?
Mushroom	Well, we were playing puff ball and Reggie hit a long one.
Gonzo	(sigh) All right, I'll replace it, but this is the last time.
Mushroom	Oh, thanks. You're a real spore.
Gonzo	(sigh) Yeah, yeah. (exits)
John	(sings) “Nobody knows the truffles I've seen …”
	John giggles as the mushrooms attack him.

UK Spot

	A forest. Music plays as Piggy sings.
Miss Piggy	(singing) I think that I shall never see A poem lovely as a tree A tree whose hungry mouth is prest Against the earth's sweet flowing breast A tree that looks at God all day And lifts her leafy arms to pray. A tree that may in summer wear A nest of robins in her hair, Upon whose bosom snow has lain Who intimately lives with rain Poems are made by fools like me …
Tree	What a rotten voice! You know what a tree would call you? A pine in the neck. (chuckles) With a voice like that, you won't be very poplar around here. (chuckles) If I couldn't sing any better than that, I'd leaf. (chuckles)
Miss Piggy	Excuse me while I chop some wood. Hi-yah!
	She gives the tree a karate chop, then exits.

"The Happy Wanderer"

	Three pigs sing "The Happy Wanderer" while climbing up a mountain, but every time they sing the third "Valderah," one of them falls down. The third one, though skittish, makes it to the top, but is knocked down by an avalanche. A goat peeks out and chuckles like Bert.

Dressing Room

	John tunes his guitar, and hears a knock on the door.
John	Come in.
	Piggy enters.
Miss Piggy	Hello, Johnathan, dear.
John	Why, hello Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Hello.
John	Miss Piggy, you look … amazing.
Miss Piggy	And lovely, thank you. (sigh) This is my designer collection hiking suit. Don't you know?
	She displays her backpack, then admires herself in the mirror.
John	Well, it's... Piggy, is that a gold lamé backpack that you're wearing?
Miss Piggy	Oh, you noticed?
John	Well, it's hard not to … Piggy, we are going to the swamp.
Miss Piggy	Yes, the swamp, yes.
John	Do you have everything, do you have your snake bite kit?
Miss Piggy	(perks up) What?
John	Your — your snake bite kit. There are snakes in the swamp, they may bite you.
Miss Piggy	Snakes?
John	Well, yes Piggy, snakes. And also, you need a short, sharp stick about that long.
Miss Piggy	A walking stick, yes, yes, I'm sure...
John	No, no, no, this is for the alligators.
	She suddenly shows dire concern.
Miss Piggy	… Alligators?
John	Why yes, darling. The alligators, when they open their mouths to eat you, you jam the stick and they can't close their jaws.
Miss Piggy	(shivering) Can't close their jaws … good. (nods)
John	Well, yes, also, Piggy, one other thing, and this is of critical importance.
Miss Piggy	Yes?
John	Every morning when you get up, before you put your boots on, be very sure to shake them vigorously.
Miss Piggy	Wh-wh-why?
John	Well, Piggy, at night when you're asleep in the swamp, sometimes there are spiders and little creepy crawly things and they'll get in your boots and if you don't shake them out...
	She winces. John bursts out laughing.
Miss Piggy	You think that's funny?
John	(laughs) I'm sorry... They'l crawl up your legs, Piggy. They'll be all over you.
Miss Piggy	(starts freaking out) Oh no, not the legs, please!
John	You have to — I'm sorry —
Miss Piggy	Oh, not there, please, John! Oh! Oh! Please! Please! Oh!
	She runs out of the room screaming.
John	(chuckling) Poor girl's got a case of the nerves! I think she needs a week in the country.

Backstage

	Piggy runs down the stairs, fuming.
Kermit	(to the viewer) Oh, Miss Piggy appears angry.
Miss Piggy	Angry? No, I am not angry. Your star is not angry. She is merely … disappointed.
Kermit	Disappointed?
Miss Piggy	(turns away from him) Yes. You have not been honest with me, Kermit.
Kermit	I haven't?
Miss Piggy	(faces him) No! When you told me we were spending a week in the swamp…
Kermit	Mm-hm?
Miss Piggy	… well, you never said there would be snakes and spiders and … (gasp) alligators!
Kermit	Well, no, I was saving the best part for a surprise.
Miss Piggy	Surprise?
Kermit	Mm-hmm.
Miss Piggy	Kermie, you are out of your little green mind. (turns away from him)
Kermit	(solemn) Well, gee Miss Piggy, you know, I was born in the swamp. My, my roots are there and I just wanted you and my other friends to see it. But, uh, we don't have to go back to the swamp. We can, uh … we can go back to where you were born. The sty. You know, where your roots are. (He is now pushing her buttons) Where pigs eat swill, and wallow in the mud. Remember that? Huh?
Miss Piggy	Huh?
Kermit	Huh?
Miss Piggy	Huh?
Kermit	(chuckles)
Miss Piggy	Remember this! Hi-YAH!
	She gives him a karate chop, which sends him flying to the stage. He picks himself up.
Kermit	Well, uh, ladies and gentlemen, once again, Mr. John Denver.

“Grandma's Feather Bed”

	John sings "Grandma's Feather Bed" with a bed full of Muppet kids and dogs.

Goodnights

	The stage. Kermit appears wearing a backpack and baseball cap.
Kermit	Okay, well, it looks like we've come down to the end of another one. But, before we go, let us bring back our wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, John Denver! Yaay!
	John enters.
John	Thanks, Kermit. Thank you, everybody. Kermit, it was an absolute thrill to work with you. Thank you for having me on the show.
Kermit	Aw, it was our pleasure, John. But, you know, it looks like it's gonna be just you and me on that camping trip, 'cause everybody else backed out.
John	Oh, is that...? I'm sorry to hear that, but listen, Kermit, never mind, we'll have a great time. I'll teach you how to catch frogs!
Kermit	Wh-what?
John	Well, yeah, what you do is you wait until dark, you see, and then you take a flashlight and you shine it out on the water...
Kermit	John, I know all about those flashlights. How do you think my eyes got this way? Well, listen, I'll find somebody else to go camping with me. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
	The dogs surround John and Kermit as the credits roll. Kermit appears in the balcony with Statler and Waldorf.
Kermit	Well guys, it's just the three of us for a weekend in the swamp.
Statler & Waldorf	Oh no!
	THE END