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Episode 324: Cheryl Ladd/transcript

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Cold open

Theme

Opening number

Backstage

"South Rampart Street Parade"

Backstage

Pigs in Space

UK spot

Dressing room

Backstage

Gonzo's stunt

Backstage

"Sunshine on My Shoulders"

Goodnights

Cheryl Ladd. Cheryl Ladd? Twenty seconds to curtain, Miss Ladd.

Oh, thank you, Scooter. I, I just can't seem to get my costume off.

Off? You're supposed to put it on.

I know, but, uh, first he takes it off and then I'll put it on.

[drumroll]

It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Cheryl Ladd! Yaaay!

[applause and cheers]

[band plays theme song]

  1. It's time to play the music
  1. It's time to light the lights
  1. It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

  1. It's time to put on makeup
  1. It's time to dress up right
  1. It's time to get things started

[all] # Why don't you

get things started?

Hey, would you guys be quiet? We're tying to heckle up here!

  1. It's time to get things started

on the most sensational

  1. Inspirational, celebrational
  1. Muppetational
  1. This is what we
  1. Call The Muppet Show #

[alarm clock]

[audience laughs]

[applause]

Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Tonight our special guest is one of the loveliest and most talented ladies of the entire entertainment world, Cheryl Ladd. But first, on stage Miss Piggy and Link Hogthrob in a steamy jungle number. Many people are returning to the natural life in search of peace and tranquility. Well, this may change their mind.

[exotic bird calls]

  1. Suntanned windblown
  1. Honeymooners at last alone
  1. feeling

_ far above par

  1. Oh how lucky
  1. We are
  1. While I give to you
  1. And you give to me
  1. True love
  1. True

[grunts]

  1. So on and on
  1. Will it always be
  1. True love
  1. True love

[tempo quickens]

  1. For you and l

have a guardian angel

  1. On high with nothing to...

[all make noises]

  1. But to give to you

as you give to me

  1. Love forever...

[all make noises]

[tempo slows]

[both] # For you and l

  1. Have a guardian angel
  1. On high
  1. With nothing to do
  1. But to give to me

[bird squawks]

  1. What I give to you

[all birds calling]

  1. Love forever

[all loud noises]

Knock it off!

  1. Love forever
  1. True #

[all loud noises]

Me Waldorf, you Statler.

No, you Waldorf, me sick.

OK, nicely sung, Piggy.

Thank you, Kermie.

Yes, nicely sung, chimp.

[jungle call]

[glass breaks]

And nicely swung, Link.

Ah, Rowlf, on stage for your piano piece.

I'm ready. Don't worry. It'll be great.

Mm-hmm.

It won't be great. Good, yes, but he plays it too fortissimo.

Whatever you say.

Uh, Kermit, Kermit, excuse... Hi. Uh, Kermit, excuse me, but are you busy?

I'm doing that introduction for Cheryl Ladd.

Good. Listen. Uh, I've been, uh, reading a book here on self-improvement.

Yeah.

And it says, uh, it says, uh, I should ask my boss, that's you, uh, to make a list of my good points and my bad points.

Fozzie, you don't want me to do that.

Oh, but Kermit, I do. You see, it will help me to grow into a more mature and adult bear.

Well, OK, if you really want me to.

Oh, thank you, Kermit. Thank you.

Went pretty good, Kermit. But I think I played it too fortissimo.

What did I tell you?

Kermit, excuse me. Kermit. You know that list?

Yeah.

Well, when you make it, you know, really, really be honest. OK? But, uh, gentle.

How can you gently run over someone with a truck?

[fanfare]

Ladies and gentlemen, our guest star tonight is best known for her dazzling performances on television. But acting is only one of the things she does well. See for yourself. Here she is, Cheryl Ladd!

  1. Do you hear the beat
  1. Away down the street?
  1. Do you hear the neat little rhythm

of the happy dancing feet?

  1. Well now look there

the people are running

  1. And right now

they're gonna have a lot of fun

  1. Make way 'cause everybody's comin'

and you'll see the big parade

  1. Make room, gimme some air
  1. I got some rhythm to spare

We'll all swing high

  1. Swing low
  1. Everybody's r_kin' to and fro
  1. It ain't fast or slow
  1. But oh that...

Aah!

  1. They're doing it

soft-shoeing it

  1. They're tying it

untying it

  1. They'rejiving it

reviving it

  1. I tell you
  1. They're strutting it

rug-cutting it

  1. They're shaking it

and breaking it

  1. Dad, not bad
  1. I'm glad you dig
  1. Hear now
  1. It's loud and clear now
  1. I really get a thrill
  1. I know I always will
  1. Whenever I can hear

the rhythm of a band

  1. Louisiana band

gotta get a hand

  1. The South Rampart Street
  1. Parade

Yeah.

[inaudible] Thank you.

OK, Pigs in Space next. Set up Pigs in Space.

OK, boy, that was a great number. That Cheryl Ladd is terrific.

Yes, but that trumpet player kept going flat.

If I remember my history, Beethoven was supposed to be deaf.

I'm not Beethoven, dummy. I'm a bust of Beethoven.

Of course.

It's a job.

You gotta do something for a living and I'm a bust of Beethoven. Any more questions?

Uh, no, no, no, no, no, uh, nothing.

Just forget the...

Kermit, excuse me.

What?

Excuse me.

Uh, Kermit, uh, have you finished that list, you know, with my good points and my bad points?

Uh, well, well not yet. I just made a few notes and...

Oh, oh, oh, a few notes, yes.

Oh. Let's see. Um, uh... Kermit, you're kidding! You don't really think that I... Oh, no. Uh, not that. Kermit. Uh, look at this, look at... Yeah, but... I don't believe this. OK, sometimes I may be a little b... Oh, Kermit, not this.

Well, uh, uh, uh, Fozzie, I think I better explain.

No, no. Oh, no. Kermit, it's OK.

You see...

It's OK. I can understand how you might think that I have these bad points.

Oh, well, a-actually that list is your good points.

I, I, I think I better go get a cup of coffee.

You wanna talk bad points? Let's start with that crummy hat you always wear.

[growls]

[bleeping]

[announcer] And now, Pigs in Space! When last we left the Swinetrek, Dr. Strangepork was on the verge of completing his mysterious experiment.

Well, Link, this is it. At last my work is completed and I can present the universe with this little baby.

Well, what is it?

It's a pill that makes pigs invisible.

Hmm.

What a wonderful and useful invention. Let's try it.

Oh, certainly.

Well, here's looking at you.

But not for long.

[Link] This is weird.

[Doctor] Well, I think it's peachy neat.

[Link] I think I'm gonna have to sit down.

[Link yawns]

Oh, Link, Link, uh, Strangepork. Uh... Hmm. No one on the bridge. Strange.

[Doctor giggles]

[Link shushing]

Hello? Link? Hello? Hmm. Well, I'll just use the intercom.

[Link grunts]

[screams]

Whoo-hoo. I'd say this chair was due for a spell of leave. Uh, testing, one, two, three. Hogthrob to the bridge. Hogthrob to... What the hey? I know that hit!

[giggles]

Strangepork!

Link!

The pills are beginning to wear off.

Mm-hmm.

Pills? Wait a minute. A-ha. I get it. OK, how'd you like a taste of your own medicine?

[laughing]

Uh, w-w-what do you think she's planning?

I don't know, Link, but let's not shtick around to find out!

Yeah.

[Piggy] Link?

Huh?

[Piggy] Hi-yah!

[grunts]

Uh-oh. Too late. We found out.

[Piggy] Hi-yah!

[grunts]

[Piggy] Hi-yah!

[grunts]

Oh, smell that county air.

[both smell deeply]

[British accent] Yes, it's a lovely spot for a picnic 'round here.

It's really nice.

Shh. What's that sound?

[strange mewling]

  1. There's a new sound

the newest sound around

  1. The strangest sound

that you have ever heard

  1. Not like a wild boar

or a jungle lion's roar

  1. It isn't like the cry of any bird
  1. But there's a new sound

it's deep down in the ground

  1. And everyone who listens to it squirms
  1. Because this new, new sound

so deep down in the ground

  1. Is the sound that's made by worms

[mewling]

  1. There's a new sound

the newest sound around

  1. The strangest sound

that you have ever heard

  1. Not like a wild boar

or a jungle lion's roar

  1. It isn't like the cry of any bird
  1. But there's a new sound

it's deep down in the ground

  1. And everyone who

listens to it squirms

  1. Because this new, new sound

so deep down in the ground

  1. Is the sound that's made by worms

[mewling]

  1. There's a new sound

the newest sound around

  1. The strangest sound

that you have ever heard

  1. Not like a wild boar

or a jungle lion's roar

  1. It isn't like the cry of any bird
  1. But there's a new sound

it's deep down in the ground

  1. And everyone who

listens to it squirms

  1. Because this new, new sound

so deep down in the ground

  1. Is the sound that's made by worms

[mewling to the beat]

  1. There's a new sound

the newest sound around

  1. The strangest sound

that you have ever heard

  1. Not like a wild boar

or a jungle lion's roar

  1. It isn't like the cry of any bird
  1. But there's a new sound

it's deep down in the ground

  1. And everyone who

listens to it squirms

  1. Because this new, new sound

so deep down in the ground

  1. Is the sound that's made by worms! #

[mewling to the beat]

Excusez-moi, Cheryl. Are you busy?

Oh, no, Miss Piggy. Come in.

Ah, thank you. Oh, by the way, I borrowed some of your perfume. I hope you don't mind.

[sniffs] Oh, that stuff's OK.

Oh. I'm glad you came in, there was something I wanted to talk to you about.

Oh? Tell me. Yes?

Oh.

No, go ahead.

Oh, come on.

I am really a big fan of yours.

Of course.

Although I, I am a bit surprised. You see, most women are insanely jealous of me.

Oh. Well, I can understand that. You certainly are a threat.

Mm-hmm. Beauty can be a curse.

Would you like to know what I admire most about you?

Well... [clears throat] I, uh, I'd like to guess. Um, my big blue eyes? My beautiful blonde hair? My sylph-like figure?

Nope, your chops.

What?

Your chops. Your karate chops.

Oh, yeah, oh, a-ha like that. Oh, yes, of course.

You're really super. I've seen you in action.

Well, I've seen you deck a few baddies yourself.

We have to protect ourselves.

Mm-hmm.

We are just helpless girls.

Mm-hmm.

Ready?

Ready.

  1. I'm a girl and by me

that's only great

  1. I am proud that

my silhouette is curvy

  1. I walk with a

sweet and girlish gait

  1. With my hips

kinda swivelly and swervery

  1. I adore being dressed

in something frilly

  1. When my date comes

to get me at my place

  1. Out I go with my Joe

or John or Billy

  1. Like a filly

who is ready for the race

Mmm.

Oh, oh. This is the dummy I practice on.

Oh, Cheryl, how sweet.

I have a dummy too. Kermie!

Yeah? Wh-What do you want?

Now, sweetie, just trust me.

Yeah?

Ready?

Right. [Piggy clears throat]

  1. When I have a brand new hairdo

Hah!

  1. With my eyelashes all in curls
  1. I float like the clouds on air do
  1. I enjoy being a girl
  1. When men say I'm cute and funny

Hi-yah!

  1. And my teeth aren't teeth

but pearls

  1. I just lap it up like

Ahh!

[screams]

  1. Honey
  1. I enjoy being a girl
  1. I flip when a fellow sends me flowers
  1. I drool over dresses made of lace

[yells]

  1. I talk on the telephone for hours
  1. With a pound and a half of cream upon his face

What? Ahh!

[Piggy] All right!

  1. I'm strictly a female female

Yeah!

  1. And my future I hope will be

Ha-ha!

# In the home of a brave and free male
  1. Who'll enjoy being a guy
  1. Having a girl
  1. Like me #

[grunts, smacks lips]

Huh, lemon meringue.

OK, Gonzo, stand by for your hypnotism act. Chickens, what are you doing here? Shoo, shoo!

Kermit! Kermit!

Shoo! What?

Careful!

What?

Those chickens are hypnotized.

Hypnotized chickens?

Yes. They're in my power.

Gonzo. I, I don't believe this.

Oh, sure. See, I hypnotize 'em and then I can get 'em to do anything I want.

Oh, like what?

Animal impressions: puppy dog.

[all] Bark-bark. Bark-bark.

Bark-bark.

Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible. I'm not even gonna introduce you for a crummy act like that.

Sic him.

[all] Bow-wow, bow-wow.

[Kermit yelling]

Down, girl.

OK, OK, OK, OK, I'll introduce him.

Meow.

Uh. Oh, any how, here he is, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, your own and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great!

[band plays]

Off, off, off, off.

[single person claps]

Thank you, thank you.

And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a trance aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion, my subject will support, with only one hand, this 1OOO pound weight. Who will be the first lucky volunteer?

Well, it's just a question of mind over matter.

That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter.

You'll live to regret this!

We intend to!

I just don't understand you people! Immortality is up for grabs! But you don't deserve it.

No, but you do.

[both laugh]

What a terrific idea! I'll hypnotize myself. I'll go down in history!

[clears throat]

[drumroll]

Look deep into my eyes. Make my mind a complete blank. My eyelids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power. When I count three I will have the strength of an army. One, two, three.

[cymbals]

[drumroll]

Release the ropes!

That's very impressive. But how do you get out of it? It's simple. I just snap my fingers.

[grunting]

Hey, Kermit! It went terrific!

He says it went terrific, but I know how he really feels.

How's that?

About so high.

So high.

OK, that was a, uh, nice one, Gonzo.

It was a triumph.

I don't know where you find these acts to do.

Oh, I just keep my ear to the ground.

It looks like it.

Uh, you will all be happy to know that Gonzo did survive that last act and is about to embark on a new career as a lump. But now it's time for our closing number. Are we ready back there?

[Pig] Who wants to know?

I do!

Oh, oh, oh, yeah, sorry, boss.

Uh. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Miss Cheryl Ladd!

  1. Sunshine
  1. On my shoulders
  1. Makes me happy
  1. Sunshine
  1. In my eyes
  1. Can make me cry
  1. Sunshine
  1. On the water
  1. Looks so lovely
  1. Sunshine
  1. Almost always
  1. Makes me high
  1. If I had a day

[animals] # Ooh

  1. That I could give you

[animals] # Ooh ooh ooh

  1. I'd give to you
  1. A day just like today
  1. Ooh ooh
  1. And if I had a song
  1. Ooh ooh ooh
  1. That I could sing for you
  1. I'd sing a song
  1. To make you feel this way
  1. Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
  1. Sunshine
  1. On my shoulders
  1. Makes me happy

[Muppets] # Sunshine

  1. In my eyes
  1. Can make me cry
  1. Sunshine
  1. On the water
  1. Looks so lovely

[all] # Sunshine

  1. Almost always
  1. Makes me high #

It looks like we've come down to the end of another one. But, before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest, Miss Cheryl Ladd.

[Muppets cheer]

[applause]

Kermit, I just wanted to tell you thank you. I have had so much fun working with the Muppets. I wanna thank each of you. Starting from the top.

Oh, no. That means I'm last.

Uh, hey, Gonzo, don't be such a baby. Grow up.

I'm trying, I'm trying.

OK, we'll, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! It was really great to have you here.

[chatter]

[drumroll]

Well, let's go while the going's good.

Well, I'm glad something's good tonight.

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