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Episode 323: Lynn Redgrave/transcript

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Cold open


Opening number


Sheriff of Notingham


Archery scene

UK spot

"I Still Love You"


Muppet newsflash

To the rescue


[knock on door]

Lynn Redgrave, fifteen seconds

to curtain, Miss Redgrave.

Thank you very much.

I think it's wonderful that

instead of doing the regular show,

- you're going to be doing Robin Hood.

- Yeah, the rehearsals went great.

There's just one scene

that needs more work.

Oh, which one?

Uh, let me guess.

The archery contest?

Excuse me, did you see

a pointy thing go by?


It's The Muppet Show with our very

special guest star, Lynn Redgrave. Yey!

  1. It's time to play the music

It's time to light the light

  1. It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

  1. It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

  1. It's time to get things started
  1. Why don't you get things started ?

Say, that was good.

  1. It's time to get things started
  1. On the most sensational, inspirational
  1. Celebrational, Muppetational
  1. This is what we call

The Muppet Show #

- [fanfare]

- [screaming]

Thank you, thank you,

and welcome to The Muppet Show,

in which we are going

to spend the entire program

doing a unique production of Robin Hood.

It's gonna be terrific

because our guest is one of

the great ladies of stage and screen,

Miss Lynn Redgrave.

And so, without further ado,

or a-don't...

Ladies and gentlemen, the Muppet players

with Lynn Redgrave

proudly present Robin Hood.

  1. I wish you all a fond hello
  1. My name is Allen-a-Dale
  1. My hope is that we entertain
  1. With this, our evening's tale
  1. In Sherwood Forest, dark and deep

Dwells Robin Hood in sooth

  1. An outlaw and his Merry Men
  1. They're living fast and looth #

Fast and looth?

Come on, give me a break.

I'm usually the gopher around here.

- Time to cavort.

- Cavort!

- Cavort!

- Oh, my.

[up-tempo tune plays]

[singing in mock Swedish]


Ow! Ow! Ow! Let me go!


So how's it going?

Oh, well, looks a little bit

like feeding time on a freaky farm.


I'm stage managing

since Kermit's in the show.

Could you help me move some scenery?

I'm sorry, Scoots.

I'd love to, but I'm on strike.

On strike? Well, why?

I don't dig all this Robin Hood jazz.

I prefer things more hip and less green.


More hip and less green.

Now what am I gonna do?

- Hey, Bo?

- Yes, sir.

- Could you move that scenery?

- Yes.

- That was an easy job.

- Sure.

[revelry continues]

Cavort, cavort, cavort...

Hey, hey, hey, hold it.

Prithee, prithee, hey, cooleth it.

Oh, what is it, Little John?

You guys are not cavorting right.

This is the proper way to cavort.

[clears throat]

Cavort, cavort, cavort, cavort...

You got that?

Cavort like that. You got it?

- No.

- No!

Well, you better practice 'cause

Robin Hood will be here any minute.


- It's a note from Robin Hood.

- What does it say?

- I'll be here any minute now.

- What did I tell you?


- Hi-ho, Little John.

- Hi-ho, Robin Hood.

- Hi-ho, Merry Men.

- Hi-ho, Robin Hood.

- Well rehearsed.

- Thank you very much.

Maid Marian will be here

and the place looks a mess.

- What have you been doing?

- Oh, well, you see, uh...

Cavorting, right?

Well, cavorting wrong, actually.


- Oh, fair Maid Marian.

- Oh, good Robin Hood.

- Did thou have a pleasant journey?

- Oh, aye. Forsooth.

But methinks I was followed by

the wicked Sheriff of Nottingham's men.

[all gasping] Egads!

We haven't got much time then.

Little John?

- Yes?

- Tell the men to prepare.

Yes, sir. Look...

Prepare what?

- To cavort!

- Cavorting!

Cavort, cavort...

  1. Hooray, hooray

It's such a lovely day

  1. Singing, hey, down

Merry down, down

  1. Fol, rol, riddle, rol

Hey, nonny, no

- # With a dum, dum, diddle, dum

- # Dum, dum, diddle, dum

  1. Hey, down

Merry down, down

Hee hee.

- Yeah.

- Whee!

  1. Singing, hey, down

Merry down, down

  1. Fol, rol, riddle, rol

Hey, nonny, no

- Ahh! Robin, help!

- To the dungeons.

  1. Hey, down

Merry down, down #

Thank you.

Hey, where's Marian?

- Marian?

- Marian?

Marian! Marian?

- Maid Marian!

- Marian?

Well, I've seen a lot

of versions of Robin Hood,

- but none to match this one.

- How's that?

- The others were all good.

- [laughing]

Bo, set up the torture scene.

Oh, the torture scene's

going to be really fun.

Yeah, well...

OK, nicely cavorted, Merry Men.

Nicely cavorted.

You liked the cavorting?

You should see us in a full frolic.

OK, that Lynn Redgrave

is wonderFul as Maid Marian.

It's a demanding role.

- Hmm, speaking of a demanding role...

- Yeah?

I do not have a role in this production.

And I am demanding one.

You see, there's only one female part,

that's Maid Marian.

Lynn Redgrave is playing that.

Oh, Kermie,

you were not listening, dear.

I said, I am demanding one!

Yeah. Well, let's see, uh...

I guess there is a part here

you can play.

- Let's see.

- It'll take a little rewriting.

- I'm sure you'd be perFect for it.

- I can do it!

Yes, yes, what is it? Hmm? Hmm?

- Well, it's, uh... It's...

- Uh-huh?

Sister Tuck.

Sister Tuck?

- Well, you couldn't play Friar Tuck.

- Sister Tuck?

Torture scene on next.

On stage for the torture scene.

You want torture, I'll give you torture.

Hi-ya! Where are you?

- Piggy, let me explain.

- Sister Tuck!

- Ahh!

- Sister Tuck?

Bring in the prisoner.

- [Marian screaming]

- Move it, move it.

- Move it. Please move it.

- [screaming]

Get up there, OK.

- Um, here she is.

- Oh! Oh!

Ah, Maid Marian,

you are now a dungeon guest

of the Sheriff of Nottingham. [cackling]

Oh, no, not the Sheriff of Nottingham.

Oh, no, no, that's the Great Gonzo.

No, you fool,

that's the Sheriff of Nottingham.

Yeah, sorry,

I keep forgetting it's a play.

I have you in my power now, my pretty.

You black-hearted villainous swine.

Oh, you silver-tongued flatterer.

I demand to be set free.

Not until you tell me the exact location

of Robin Hood's hideout.

I'll never tell you. Never!

- That's terrific.

- Thank you.

And now it's torture time.

- Just try and make me talk.

- All right!

We have ways of making you talk.

Take these thumbscrews, for instance.

All right. What do they do?

- Put your thumb in here like this.

- Yes.

- That's it, then turn the handle.

- This way?

- No, the other way.

- sorry.

That's better. When you do that

it presses the bar on the thumb.

Whoo! Ahh! Whoo!

Ooh! Ow! Wow.

- All right, now will you talk?

- No. I'll never tell you, never.

All right, another turn.

You're wasting your time.

Whaaa! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

You could be right about that.

Ooh, but you won't talk so bravely

on the rack, my dear.

- The rack? What's that?

- You'll wish you never asked.

- Gonzo's tying to get himself killed.

- Yeah, but he won't make it.

He never succeeds at anything.


Best he can hope for is maimed.

Manacles secured, hand and foot, right?

Correct. There is no escape

from this pain.

- Ugh.

- This pain here?

Whoo! Ooh!

Yes! Isn't that terrific?


Come on, talk.

How much more of this can you take?


Good Sheriff,

I can take no more of this.

I've got to go and stretch out

for a nap in my dressing room.


Hey, wait!

Wait! We haven't even tried

the boiling oil yet.

Ahh! Ahh!

Torture scene over.

archery scene next.

Stand by, archers and peons.

Archers and peons, Scooter.

I'm on, too.

But, Scooter, come on! I've got to get

this out for the archery contest.

- Somebody give me a hand.

- [Gonzo] You say you want a hand?

You got one.

- [fanfare]

- [applause]

  1. The day of the archery contest
  1. There isn't one seat left to sell
  1. The crowd on the green's

packed as tight as sardines

  1. Which might

also account for the smell


[crowd booing]

  1. Both contestants

look good to the experts

  1. Yes, the winner

is tricky to choose

  1. But I'll stick my neck out

and, without any doubt

  1. Say the other guy's certain to lose
  1. Is that it?

Is that all you can tell us?

- # Well...

- # As our archers warm up on the track

  1. But, regrettably,

he only gets to say...


  1. ...when a practice shot

cancels his act


  1. Black Bart is the opening archer

the Sheri_ of Nottingham's man

  1. With the strength of an ox

the nerve of a fox

  1. And the brains of a gooseberry flan

- [fanfare]

- Shh!


  1. But the sheri_ has bribed

and corrupted a youth

  1. The rules of the contest to bend
  1. He never heard say

that crime doesn't pay

- Ooh!

- # He sure gets the point in the end

[laughter and cheering]

  1. So with Black Bart

awarded a bull's-eye

  1. There's little poor Robin can do
  1. Save to trust to his luck

his nerve and his pluck

  1. And split Black Bart's arrow in mo #

- [cheering]

- [fanfare]

Thank you, thank you.

My pleasure. Nice contest.

[clears throat]

During this interval,

it is my great pleasure

to present the author

of tonight's drama.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. William Shakespeare.


You are the William Shakespeare?

I am a William Shakespeare, yeah.

Mr. Shakespeare, what an honor.

Do you know I saw The Sound ofMusic

at least a dozen times?

Wait just a minute.

This here William Shakespeare

is my nom de plume.

- Your what?

- My pen name.

Then you are not

the real William Shakespeare?

- Oh, of course not.

- Of course not!

I can see that now.

He was a bearded man.

- And you're much younger.

- And he's dead.

And he's...

ls he?!

Oh, I didn't know.

I'm so sorry.

- I didn't realize.

- Yeah, I can see that.

Tell me, did he leave

a wife and children?

Well, as far as I'm aware,

he left just about everything.

Including an unfinished play,

Henry VIII.

That's a tragedy.

Well, it certainly isn't a comedy.

And, by adopting his name,

you hope to keep

something of his legend alive.

Yeah. Principally his royalties.

- His what?

- His royalty payments.

- You're good.

- Thank you.

Tell me, could you please recite

a portion of his masterpieces?

Uh, sure, but let me get an actor

to do it properly.

- Hey! Hey, you, actor.

- Excuse me.

You wanna read this for me, please?

- Uh...

- This is an actor?

To be or not to be...

[mock Swedish]

I didn't understand all of it,

but I'm certain

the English people enjoyed it.

Now back to work.

Don't litter.

Oh, prithee, fair Maid Marian,

thank you for joining me

in this here fair glen here.

Oh, good Robin Hood, this was

the very spot that we first met.

- Yeah, verily.

- Yes, and I shall always remember it.

And how surprised I was

to meet the famous Robin Hood.

Surprised? In what way, surprised?

Um... Well, um...

Was it the fact

that I'm a daring robber?

Or the fact

that I'm debonair and handsome?

No, it was the fact

that you were a frog.

You noticed that, huh?

Yes, well, I couldn't help noticing.

Particularly since I'm not one.

Oh. Well, um, listen, Marian.

Don't let that worry you.

  1. Your eyes are not bulgy
  1. You don't live in a swamp
  1. You don't hop or turn somersaults
  1. Your feet are not webbed
  1. And you never eat flies
  1. I'm sorry to dwell on your faults
  1. And yet I still
  1. Love you
  1. I always will love you
  1. You shine in my mind
  1. Like a dream

- # And, yet, I still love you

- # La, la, la

- # La, la, la, la, la, la

- # I always will love you

- # Although you are not even green

- # La, la, la, la, la, la

  1. I know I'm an odd one
  1. I'm not like a frog
  1. My head is all covered with hair
  1. No flippers, no bulges
  1. Wo croaking, no warts
  1. Wo wonder that sometimes you stare
  1. And yet
  1. If you love me
  1. You know that I love you
  1. You shine in my mind
  1. Like a dream
  1. And so if I love you
  1. I really do love you
  1. Who cares if you're not
  1. Even green #

- Good Robin Hood?

- _ye_

- Pray, kiss me sweetly.

- Ooh.


- [clearing throat]

- Piggy!

- Privy, Robin Hood.

- What?

Thou art wanted in yon... thicket.

[Kermit screaming]

- [Marian screaming]

- OK, Maid Marian, to the dungeon.

Oh, Robin, Robin, no!

Hmm. What'd you think

of Miss Piggy's outFit?

I think she ought to kick the habit.


- That's an old joke.

- So are you.


[Marian screaming]

- Miss Piggy, I want to talk to you.

- Oh.

You mean, you wish an audience

with Sister Tuck?

[sighs] No, I want to talk to you.

I want to know what you did with Lynn.

Oh, oh, remember, blessed are the meek.

What did you do with her?

- Meeker.

- [sighs]

- Uh, what did you do with her?

- Oh, that's nice.

She is in yonder dressing room.

She's OK.

Yeah, but the big dungeon scene

is coming up next.

- I'll go tell her.

- No, no, um...

I should tell her.

It is the least that moi can do.

Town crier on stage.

Scooter, the town crier is on stage,

but he can't go on.

- Why not?

- He lost his onion. Ahh!

See, the onion makes him cry, and...

- Will you get out of here?!

- I wrote that myself.

- Five o'clock and alI's well.

- [barking]

Five o'clock and all's well.

Except that Maid Marian

has been kidnapped,

the sheriff's up to no good,

the dog is stealing cheese,

Kermit's mad at Piggy

and it's really only :.

- So how goes the night?

- 'Tis dark but still.

- Still what?

- Still dark.


That's a good one.

Our prisoner, Maid Marian, is safe.

- Yes.

- Yeah.

- Yoo-hoo.

- Hark! A noise.

- What?

- Ah-ha!

- [grunting]

- Ah-ha!

Hold fast, good sir, lest I strike you

again with my quarterstaff.

That's a cheap weapon.

Mine cost fifty cents.

That's a cheap joke.

You'll pay for that.


Float like a butterFly,

sting like a frog.



- Uh-uh.

- [grunting]

Yeah! Yeah!

All right, Kermit!

Robin Hood, I mean. Yes!

Oh, sir, Robin Hood, thou did

smite him mightily on the pâté.

I believe that's pate.

I'm sorry. Kermit, I'm sorry.

Yes, but good men of Sherwood Forest,

we must now sneak away

and rescue Maid Marian.

- Sneak and rescue!

- Sneak away!


Wait! Wait, men!

We must go hushily.

Oh, hushily. Hush.

Shh. Shh.

Ooh. Hark, it is

the beautiful Maid Marian.


[gasps] Piggy!

Oh, Robin Hood, I am sav-ed.

Oh! Oh!

Piggy, where's Lynn Redgrave?

Um... stage fright.

She won't come out of her dressing room.

I thought it best

if I took over her part.

Piggy? Stage fright?

Stage fright?

But also... her dressing room door

became sort of stuck.



Quick, my Merry Men, to the rescue!

[Kermit] Come on, let's go!

Away we go!

Hold it, wait!

It's me. I'm stuck here.

Hey, come on. Help! Police!

- Will the sheriff do?

- What?

- [screams]

- Kissy, kissy.


- How goes it?

- Strange.

Strange but still.

Still what?

- Still strange.

- [both laughing]

Our prisoner, Lynn Redgrave, is safe.

[Lynn yells]

- And loud.

- Hmm.

[Lynn] Someone help me!

I'm supposed to be on stage!

- Help!

- Knock-knock.

Who's there?


- [gasps]

- Ah-ha!

Stand fast, good sir.

Move not, lest I strike thee also

with my quarterstaff.

Ha! Mine cost a buck, 95.


Ooh, ow!

- Ooh, a swordfight.

- Yes.


Wait a minute.

Tickle, tickle.


- [crashing]

- Merry Men, to the rescue!

[man] Hooray! To the rescue! Come on!

Ho, ho, Maid Marian.

Victory is ours.

Oh, Robin Hood and his Merry Men.

[all shouting indistinctly]

  1. Hooray! Hooray!
  1. My Robin saved the day
  1. Singing, hey, down

Merry down, down

  1. Fol, rol, riddle, rol

Hey, nonny, no

  1. With a dum, dum, diddle, dum

Dum, dum, diddle, dum

Quiet! Shh!

Listen, listen, shh.

Kermit, shouldn't we be doing this

on the stage?

On the stage? You're right.

Quick, Merry Men, to the stage!

- [all shouting]

- To the forest, here we go.

To the forest!

To the forest!

Come quickly. Come, Robin.

Come, Merry Men, to the greensward.

- To the greensward!

- To the greensward!

- Come!

- To the greensward!

Yey! Yey!

- # We won

- # We won

  1. And now our play is done
  1. Our fair maid

has been from from the fort

  1. By my brave little prince of the wart
  1. Wow there's naught to do but resort
  1. To a feisty old cavort
  1. Singing, hey, down

Merry down, down

  1. Fol, rol, riddle, rol

Hey, nonny, no

  1. With the most sensational,


  1. Inspirational, Muppetational
  1. Tale of Robin H_ #


Kermit, this has been a most unique

theatrical experience.

Oh, thank you.

We can take that as a compliment?


Well, we'll see you next time

on The Muppet Show.

- Bye.

- Kissy, kissy.

Miss Piggy, excuse me.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

It was nice to be here.

Thank you.

Yes, I played all of them.

Thank you.

Thank you, Lynn.

Thank you very much,

all the helpers.

Thank you,

all the little people back there.

Thank you, Lynn.

Thank you, Uncle J.P.

The legend of Robin Hood will never die.

No, but it sure got wounded

pretty bad tonight.


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