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Episode 322: Roy Rogers & Dale Evans/transcript

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Cold open


Opening number


"Skyball Paint"


Muppet Sports

"Deep in the Heart of Texas"

UK spot

Bear on Patrol

Dressing room

Skyball Paint part 2


Roy & Dale's medley


[knock on door]

Roy Rogers and Dale Evans,

fifteen seconds to curtain, Roy and Dale.

Thank you, Scooter.

Scooter, what's this target doing here?

Oh, well, we thought you'd feel

more at home on the range.

[missile approaching]

It's The Muppet Show

with our very special guest stars,

Roy Rogers and Dale Evans. Yeah!

[# Muppet Show theme]

  1. It's time to play the music
  1. It's time to light the light
  1. It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

  1. It's time to put on makeup
  1. It's time to dress up right
  1. It's time to get things started
  1. Why don't you get things started

- Are these seats taken?

- No! Take 'em!

  1. It's time to get things started
  1. On the most sensational, inspirational

Celebrational, Muppetational

  1. This is what we call

The Muppet Show #

[horse whinnies]

Yahoo and howdy.

And welcome

to the Muppet cowboy show,

with tonight's stars,

Roy Rogers and Dale Evans.

It's not only my hat

that's a tribute to the wild wooly west.

There's also my wild wooly vest.

- Those your jokes?

- Yes, sir.

Well, get 'em off my land

before you scare the horses.

Yes, sir. We're just about

to do the opening number.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the opening number.

  1. Blue sky smiling at me
  1. Nothin' but blue skies do I see

- # Bluebirds

- # Singing a song

- # Nothin' but bluebirds

- # All day long

- # Never saw the sun

- # Shinin' so bright

- # Never saw things

- # Going so right

  1. Noticing the days hurying by
  1. When you're in love,

my, how they fly

- # Blue

- # Days

- # All of them

- # Gone

- # Gone

- # Gone

- # Nothing but

- # Blue

- # Skies

- # from

- # Now

- # On

[scatting to tune]

  1. Blue days
  1. All of them gone
  1. Nothin' but blue skies

from now on

  1. And on and on and blue skies
  1. from now


How'd you like that song

by those prairie dogs?

There's a number I could go-fer.

- [laughing]

- Gopher!

Prairie dog!

OK, nice number, prairie dogs.

Nice number.

I liked what I saw

and I liked what I heard.

Speaking of herd, boss,

look what just showed up.

Hey, who's responsible

for these crummy cows?

Some fella by the name of Rogers

ordered 'em, shom.

Well, Rogers, Roy.

Well, uh...

The little darlings are always welcome.

Roy said he wanted something special

for the closing number.

Speaking of that, I have to

introduce his opening number.

Oh, yeah.

Kermit, what the...?

What are these cows here for?

Well, they're apparently

for Roy and Dale's closing number.


Say, what are they singing,

Catch a Falling Steer?

Or If Heifer I Should Leave You?

Stop, stop, stop, stop!

I can take the cows

but not the cow jokes.

What about the Moooo River?

Ha ha!

OK, well, it's not often

that things get any better around here.

So, brace yourselves

for thing to get grand right now,

because ladies and gentlemen,

here he is,

the king of the cowboys, Roy Rogers!

This is a story about one of

the roughest, toughest, meanest horses

that ever jumped out of a chute,

by the name of old Skyball Paint.

  1. Wow, old Skyball Paint

was the devil's saint

  1. His eyes were a fiery red
  1. G_ men have tried

this horse to ride

  1. But shucks, all of them are dead
  1. Now, I won't brag

but boy, I rode that nag

  1. Till his blood began to boil
  1. Then I hit the ground
  1. And ate three pound

of good old Texas soil

  1. Singing hi-ho

whoopee ti yo

  1. Ride him high and down you go

Sons of the western soil

  1. Singing hi-ho

whoopee ti yo

  1. Ride him high and down you go

Sons of the western soil


[continues yodeling]

[Muppets vocalizing]

[continues yodeling]

  1. I swore by heck I'd break his neck

for the jolt he gave my pride

  1. I threw my noose on an old cayuse

and once more took a ride

  1. He turned around and soon I found

his head where his tail should be

  1. I says, says l, perhaps he's shy

or he just don't care for me

  1. Singing hi-ho

whoopee ti yo

  1. Ride him high and down you go

Sons of the western soil

  1. Singing hi-ho

whoopee ti yo

  1. Ride him high and down you go

Sons of the western soil


[continues yodeling]

[Muppets vocalizing]

[continues yodeling]

  1. In town one day I chanced to stray

upon old Sheri# _im

  1. For a hoot and a holler

and a counterFeit dollar

  1. I sold that nag to him
  1. But when he plants the seat

of his pants in Sky Ball's leather chair

  1. I'll bet four bits when Sky Ball quits

old Jim will not be there

  1. Singing hi-ho

whoopee ti yo

  1. Ride him high and down you go

Sons of the western soil

  1. Singing hi-ho

whoopee ti yo

  1. Ride him high and down you go
  1. Sons of the western soil


[continues yodeling]

[Muppets vocalizing]

[lower tempo yodeling]

  1. Sons of the western soil #

That Roy Rogers is one good singer.

Yep, but it he does any

of those rope tricks, I'm leaving.


- [crashing]

- Bye.


Move it out, Bossie, move it out.

Hey, Link, what are you doing

hanging out backstage?

Those nasty cowboys threw me out

of my dressing room.

No kidding.

They just barged in.

Well, tell them to move it out.

Get tough with them, Linky, babe.

I tried.

Howdy, sports fans,

and welcome

to the Wild World of Muppet Sports.

And you're just in time

for the deciding throw

in the horseshoe pitch.

As usual, I'm here on the spot.


Oh! [laughs]

I forgot to take the horseshoes

off the horse.


[continues laughing]

Let's put this show

out of its misery.


Ladies and gentlemen, not only

is the king of cowboys with us,

but his lady is with us, too.

Here she is, Miss Dale Evans.

Now, we're rehearsed, aren't we?

OK, do you think

you can remember where to come in?

You can, of course you can.

Come in on the beat of the music

clapping with me.

OK, let's begin.

All right.

  1. The stars at night

are big and bright

  1. Deep in the heart of Texas
  1. The prairie sky

is wide and high

  1. Deep in the heart of Texas

Well, you're not exactly

the sons of the pioneers,

but you get the rhythm.

  1. The sage in bloom

is like perfume

  1. Deep in the heart of Texas
  1. It reminds me of

the one I love

  1. Deep in the heart of Texas

You know, children,

that's just great.

Let's do this again,

but let's change it, OK?

Suppose instead of clapping,

we make a sound

like what I'm singing about.

You think you can do that?

We'll start first with a coyote.

What's a coyote?

Well, kind of like a dog.

You'll hear it.

Now, listen real carefully.

  1. The coyote's wail

along the trail

- [howling]

- # Deep in the heart of Texas

  1. The horses all neigh

and they munch their hay

- [neighing]

- # Deep in the heart of Texas


  1. The cowboys cry


- Yip-yip-yeah!

- # Deep in the heart of Texas

  1. The doggies bawl

and bawl and bawl

- [crying loudly]

- I didn't mean you to bawl, dear.

Oh, honey, no.

No, no, like this.

Ahh. Like that.

No, no, OK.

Aw, you're so cute.

Honestly, I'd just love

to adopt every one of you

and take you home with me to Texas.

What's a Texas?

What's a Texas!


- # Deep in the heart

- # Deep in the heart

- # Deep in the heart

- # Deep in the heart

  1. Deep in the heart of Texas #

You know, Tex,

I love the life out here.

Oh, yes, I love the desert

and I love the mountains.

Mm. Yep. But most of all,

I love these horses.


  1. A four-legged friend

A four-legged friend

  1. He'll never let you down

Let you down

  1. He's honest and faithful

right up till the end

  1. That wonderful

one, two, three, four-legged friend

Whoa. Whoa, now.

Whoa, there.

You know,

I thought we'd be there by now.

Yeah, but remember we had to stop

and water these horses.

That's right.

Then we had to stop and milk 'em.


Something about this life

don't seem right.

Whoa, whoa, easy.

  1. A four-legged friend

A four-legged friend

  1. He'll never let you down

Let you down

  1. He's honest and faithful

Right up to the end

  1. That wonderful

one, two, three, four-legged friend

Hold up. Easy, boy.

Hey, look at this, trick riding!

Yep, say, that's pre_ good.

How about this?

Speak, Bossie.


- We'd be lost without these horses.

- Oh, I'll say, we would.

I wonder why they call us cowboys.

  1. A four-legged friend

A four-legged friend

  1. He'll never let you down

Let you down

  1. He's honest and faithful

right up to the end

  1. That wonderful

one, two, three, four-legged friend #

- Ho!

- Bossie, come on.


[man] And now, ridding the world

of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol.

[door opens]

Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff!

Oh, no!

Sheriff, Sheriff.

Bullets Barker is back in town

and he is a-gunning for you.

- No!

- Yes!

You know, I have some sick leave coming.

I think I might just...


Sheriff, this here's Bullets Barker.

I'm a-gonna count to three.

If you're not out by then,

I'm a-coming in to...

...get you.

- Oh, hide!

- One...

- In the closet. No, over here.


- Under the desk!

- ...three!

- Hi!

- All right.

- Where is he?

- Ahh.

Uh, outside.

Can't miss him.

I don't plan to...

...miss him.

Oh, that was very, very good.

very good. Terrific.

Oh, boy. Uh...

Well, look, I think

I'm just gonna sit down here

and wait till the sheriff

comes... back.

- Would you like some tea, cookies...

- Shut up.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir, yes.

Looks like he left his gun here.

Huh. He never goes anyplace

without his gun.

- What?

- Ha! Oh!

I'm so sorry, sir, I..

What was that?

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

So, he must still be...

Uh, no, no.

Uh, he is not here.

I should've knowed it.

Open that door.

Yes, sir.

- I'm coming in to get you, Sheriff.

- Ah-ha!

I did it! I did it!

Sir, he's gone.

I did it. He's up there.

He's locked up and it's OK.

Ahh. Ohh.

Who cares about that?

If I can't use this hand anymore

my sheriff days are over.

- Hand me my piece.

- Yes, sir.

Not that one.

Ha. I haven't lost it.

I'm still the fastest stamp

in the west.

  1. Froggie went a-courtin'

and he did ride

  1. A sword and a pistol by his side

- # Mm-hmm

- # Mm-hmm

- # Mm-hmm #

- # Mm-hmm #

Hey, Roy, you know, it sure is nice

having you and Dale with us.

- We're having a great time.

- You don't think our show is weird?

It is a little weird,

but we're still having a great time.

Oh, good.

There's something I want to ask you,

'cause you've made a lot of films.

A hundred and eighty-nine.

- You know, I've only made one.

- One?

Yeah, to go.

In any of those films,

did you ever play a bad guy?

No, I never did.

How come, didn't think you'd look good

wearing a black hat?

No, the main reason is,

the bad guy never gets to sing.

That's right, they never do.

Can you imagine a bad guy

stopping a stagecoach,

tying up the passengers

taking all their money,

and then sing,

  1. Happy trails to you #

You know something else,

I can't imagine under any circumstances

a bad guy yodeling.

You do a lot of yodeling,

don't you, Roy?

Yes, I do. In fact, I invented

some of the yodels I do in my songs.

- No kidding.

- Mm-hmm.

Somebody told me the only reason you

yodel is because you forgot the words.

How right they were.

- But who told you that?

- Some guy in a black hat.

But I agree,

yodeling does look like it's fun.

- Could you show me how to do it?

- Sure, it's easy.

Just repeat after me.

- [yodels]

- [repeats]

- [yodels]

- [repeats]

- [yodels]

- [repeats]

[yodeling very rapidly]

[continues yodeling]

Uh... Well, um,

I'll see you later, Roy.

- Where you going?

- I'm going to buy a black hat.

Ho, boy, ho.

Yeah. Ho, ho.

[man] And now, out of

chute number three...

Chute number three...

...Slim Wilson riding old Skyball Paint.

- Ho, boy.

- Go get 'em, Slim.


OK, partner.

- I want to see you dance. Now, dance.

- [gunshot]

- Dance! Dance!

- [gunshots]

Why, that's beautiful.

You think I can dance like that?

- Well, of course.

- [gunshots]

Oh! Oh, my foot!

Ow! Oh!

But seriously,

you cows are an udder delight.


I mean, you don't know the hoof of it.


Hey, Kermit, Kermit!

This bunch of cows loves me.

- I'm a hit.

- Not bunch, herd.

Uh, heard of what?

- Herd of cows.

- Sure, I heard of cows.


No, I means the cows' herd.

Of course, they heard.

I was talking right to them.


Oh, these are my people!

But right now they're needed on stage

for the final production number.

- But, but...

- Round 'em up, move 'em out.

- [gunshots]

- Whoa. Whoa!

Come on, doggies, move it.

- Move it out, move it.

- Wait a minute. I was having fun...

Well, that's one of the things you

had to watch out for in the old west.

- What's that?

- Audience rustlers.

Once again, ladies and gentlemen,

Roy Rogers and Dale Evans.

  1. There is something about the west
  1. Puts your heart and your soul to rest
  1. Makes you feel you're really blessed
  1. Hazy mountains
  1. There's a ceiling of blue above
  1. And the trees peaceful as a dove
  1. It's no wonder that people love
  1. Hazy mountains
  1. When evenin' chores are over
  1. At our ranch house on the plain
  1. And all I've gotto do
  1. Is lay around
  1. I saddle up my pony
  1. And ride offdown the trail
  1. To watch the desert sun
  1. Go down
  1. Ridin' down the canyon
  1. To watch the sun go down
  1. A picture
  1. That no artist e'er could paint

[singing in Spanish]

[high-pitched laughter]


Who do you think you are, Gene Auty?

[singing in Spanish]

  1. See them tumbling down
  1. Pledging their love to the ground
  1. Lonely but free I'll be found
  1. Drifting along

with the tumbling tumbleweed

  1. Happy trails to you
  1. Until we meet again
  1. Happy trails to you
  1. Keep smiling until then
  1. Who cares about the clouds

if we're together

  1. Just sing a song

and bring the sunny weather

  1. Happy trails to you
  1. Till we meet again #

OK, well, buckaroos, we've come to

the part where we have to say good-bye.

I really hate to do it, 'cause

sitting round the campfire with us

have been two of America's legends,

Roy Rogers and Dale Evans.


Kermit, we've had a wonderful time.

Oh, I'm glad. At this point

I usually say good night to every body,

but tonight I'd appreciate it

if you said it your way.

Well, I'd be glad to.

Until we meet again

on the screen or in person,

good-bye, good luck and may

the good Lord take a likin' to you.

That's it.


No, boo!



- Hurrah.

- [laughing]

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