Episode 321: Roger Miller/transcript

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Goodnights

- [knock on door]

- [man] Come in.

Roger Miller, fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Miller.

OK. Thank you, Scooter.

Kinda quiet around here

for a Muppet show.

- When do things start jumping?

- Oh, just about... now!

[chuckling] Jump!

OK, OK!

Next question: When do they stop?

[drumroll]

It's The Muppet Show with our very

special guest star, Roger Miller. Yay!

1. It's time to play the music

It's time to light the light

1. It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

1. It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

1. It's time to get things started

1. Why don't you get things started?

Don't look now, but I think

there's penguins among us.

1. It's time to get things started

1. On the most sensational, inspirational

1. Celebrational, Muppetational

1. This is what we call

The Muppet Show! #

[classical music on flute]

- [applause]

- Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

We're going to do it again.

Here we are and welcome to it,

it is The Muppet Show.

I'm Kermit, our special guest star

is the one and only,

sure-to-please-or-guarantee-your

money-back, Mr. Roger Miller.

But first... But first, I ask you to

picture life aboard the Ma_lower,

as it sailed for

the New World in .

What must it have been like?

Uh, probably not like this.

(# I'm Alabamy Boun_

[muppet] Hey, this is terrible.

- [muppet ] Take heart, my friend.

- [muppet ] Take heart?

Si_-six days we've been on this

terrible boat. Where're we going?

[muppet ] Where are we going?

I'll tell you where.

[muppet ] Tell us!

1. We're Alabamy bound

1. They'll be no heebiejeebies

hanging 'round

1. Just gave the meanest

ticket man on Earth

1. All I'm worth

1. To put my tootsies

in an upper berth

1. Just hear the ch_choo sound

Whoo! Whoo!

1. I know that soon

we're gonna cover ground

1. And then I'll holler

so the world will know

1. Here I go

1. I'm Alabamy bound

1. Choo, choo, choo, choo

Choo, choo, choo, choo

1. Choo, choo, choo, choo

1. I'm Alabamy bound

1. They'll be no heebiejeebies

hanging 'round

1. Just gave the meanest

ticket man on Earth

1. All I'm worth

1. To put my tootsies

in an upper berth

- # Just hear that lucky sound

- # Whoo! Whoo!

1. To have someone

to put my arms around

1. That's why I'm shouting

for the world to know

1. Here I go

1. I'm Alabamy...

Land ho!

We've arrived in the new world!

It's Plymouth Rock.

And look over there,

Ford Rock and Chevrolet Rock.

It's the promised land!

1. We're Alabamy bound #

[horn blowing]

- [shouting]

- [applause]

You know, I thought the Pilgrim Fathers

were against showbizness.

They were against entertainment.

This doesn't count.

OK, very nice, pilgrims.

Nice going, penguins.

It is the Pilgrim Penguins.

Ah... choo!

- Gesunheit.

- Thank you.

Wait a second. Weren't you

a penguin just a minute ago?

[gasps] Yeah. What happened?

l don't know, but there's

somebody who might. Gonzo!

- Yes, Kermit?

- Gonzo, you are an expert on chickens.

- Uh, well I like to think so.

- OK. Well, look at this right here.

Wow. Hey, you're kinda

new around here, aren't you?

Gonzo, a minute ago

this chicken was a penguin.

- Yegh! Gosh.

- So how could this have happened?

- Hah, I think I know.

- What?

Well, it looks to me

like an outbreak of...

And I could use a dramatic sting here.

Gonzo, never mind the dramatic sting.

An outbreak of what?

An outbreak of... Cluckitis!

[dramatic music sting plays]

Cluck... Cluckitis?

Yes. It's where anybody

can suddenly turn into a chicken.

- Anybody?

- Yes, isn't it terrific?

- [sneezes]

- There's another one.

Gonzo, I've got to go on stage.

Don't say anything about this.

Gee, that won't be easy.

Yeah, well, it could disrupt the show,

just act normal.

That won't be easy, either.

Oh, boy. It looks like

it'll be one of those evenings.

lf we're lucky,

it'll be one of these evenings...

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome the

King of the Road, Mr. Roger Miller. Yay!

(# In the SummertimeI

1. In the summertime

1. When all the trees

and leaves are green

1. And the redbird sings

1. I'll be blue

1. 'Cause you don't want my love #

One, mo, three, four!

[up-tempo music plays]

1. In the summertime

1. When all the trees

and leaves are green

1. And the redbird sings

I'll be blue

1. 'Cause you don't want my love

1. Some other time

that's what you say when I want you

1. Then you laugh at me

and make me cry

1. 'Cause you don't want my love

1. You don't seem to care

a thing about me

1. You'd rather live without me

than to have my arms around you

1. When the nights are cold

and you're so all alone

[scatting]

1. Summertime, when all

the trees and leaves are green

1. And the redbird sings

I'll be blue

1. 'Cause you don't want my love

[scatting]

1. Once upon a time

you used to smile and wave to me

1. And walk with me

but now you don't

1. 'Cause you don't want my love

1. Some other guy

is takin' up all your time

1. Now you don't have time for me

1. 'Cause you don't want my love

[all] # You don't seem to care

a thing about me

1. You'd rather live without me

than to have my arms around you

1. When the nights are cold

and you're so all alone

[scatting]

1. In the summertime when all

the trees and leaves are green

1. And the redbird sings

I'll be blue

1. 'Cause you don't want my love

[scatting]

Once again now, one more time.

[scatting]

[applause, cheering]

Marvelous. Thank you all.

It was so lovely.

- Arthur! Arthur!

- Don't you mean Author! Author!?

His name's Arthur. Arthur Miller.

- No, it's Roger Miller.

- Oh.

[both] Roger! Roger!

[indistinct chattering]

Uh... Uh, hey. [clears throat]

- Have you always been a chicken?

- [clucking]

Been working pre_ hard, huh, boss?

- Maybe you need a vacation.

- You... You heard, huh?

- Yeah, do you wanna talk about it?

- Maybe a little later, Scooter.

Oh... [sneezes]

- Scooter!

- Do you wanna talk about it now?

Well, uh, listen you'll

never understand this, but...

...people are suddenly

turning into chickens

- No!

- Hmm.

- Er, cluckitis huh?

- [dramatic music sting plays]

l don't want the rest

of the cast to know about this.

Just don't say anything, huh?

Yeah, but as soon as I talk

they'll know.

Well, so don't talk.

From now on, just make chicken sounds.

I'm going upstairs, just a second,

to see how things are upst...

Wait a minute, Scooter,

what's on next?

Oh, uh...

Cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck?

Scooter.

Bear on Patrol.

He told me to talk like a chicken.

[male announcer] And now,

ridding the world of evil,

here comes Bear on Patrol.

All right, you.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

- Lighten up.

- Come on.

Sir! Sergeant, I have just captured

this dastardly criminal.

- Oh, ho! What's the charge?

- Assaulting an officer.

[dramatic music sting plays]

Sir. Did you actually strike

this poor patrol bear

while he was out

ridding the world of evil?

Oh... I don't know what come over me.

[laughs]

Oh, what a report this will make.

I'd like a complete and accurate

description of everything you did.

- Complete?

- And totally accurate.

What the pig said.

OK. First I kicked him in the shins.

- In the shins, he did.

- Thusly.

Oh! Oh! Oh! That hurt!

- Not again. That was like last time.

- ...thusly.

ls that...

Is that exactly how you did it?

Well, not exactly.

It really was more like this.

- Harder.

- Harder?

Oh, not again... The other one!

very good. Uh-huh. And then what?

Oh. Well, then l

punched him in the jaw.

Wait. You don't have to do that... Ahh!

Punched him in the jaw.

- Wait a minute. This is not right.

- No, you're right.

First I punched you in the jaw...

- Whoa!

- ...and then I kicked you.

- You wha... Whoa!

- Yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you, very much.

Accuracy is important.

Yeah, well the next thing,

was I grabbed him by the collar and

l made squishy-squishy with his nose.

Oh, no. Not that again. Please don't.

- Come on.

- Squishy-squishy...

Squishy-squishy.

No, no, no, no, no...

Wait a second, wait a second.

Hold on... Patrol Bear.

- I think this is all a mistake.

- Well, how do you mean?

Well, this man has been very

cooperative with the police.

- What?

- I don't think we should press charges.

- Huh?

- Sir, you are free to go.

- He's wha...?

- Thank you very much. Thank you.

[groaning]

- Patrol Bear...

- What?

You're a mess. Can't you

do something about your appearance?

[groaning repeatedly, sneezing]

Hmm. That will do

very nicely, Patrol Bear.

[fly buzzing]

- Oh, missed. Oh, hey, Uncle Kermit.

- Yeah.

ls it true there's an epidemic

sweeping the Muppet Theatre,

- and we are all turning into chickens?

- Yes. Yes, it is true, Robin.

Be quiet about it because I don't

want to spread the news around.

Especially, I don't want to

worry Roger about it.

- Oh.

- It's really embarrassing.

Yeah. I understand, Uncle Kermit.

Yeah, so if you see Roger, do not tell

him that we are turning into chickens.

- OK.

- Hi, guys. What's happening?

We're not turning into chickens!

l see... So you're not

turning into chickens, huh?

- Right!

- Ah-choo!

Uh, well, hmm...

Listen, goodbye, Robin!

Hello, little chicken.

Come on, let me show you to your coop.

I'll iust introduce you, Roger.

Well, I think I'll go on stage

and not turn into a turkey.

Roger Miller has written a number

of songs with a delightFul nuttiness

that seems particularly

appropriate to our show.

Here he is with one of them, ladies

and gentlemen, Mr. Roger Miller.

[# The Haq

1. Hey, kid

1. Where'd you get the lid?

1. Where'd you get a lid like that?

[sneezes]

1. If I told you

why would you tell me

1. Where I could find a hat like that

1. Hey, old chap

1. Where'd you get the cap?

1. Where'd you get a cap like that?

1. If I told you

why would you tell me

1. Where I could find a hat like that

- # Oh, a hat

- # Oh, a hat

- # Is a hat

- # Is a hat

1. And a topper is a topper, and

[both] # And you can't top that

1. So if you got the bread

1. I say

1. Why not spend it

for something for your head

1. Oh, hey, Herby

where'd you getthe derby?

1. Where'd you get a hat like that?

[sneezes]

1. If I told you why

would you tell me where

1. I could find a hat like that #

[applause]

[muppet] Oh, give us some songs!

[indistinct chattering]

(# The Old Bull and BushI

1. Come, come

Come and make eyes at me

1. Down at the Old Bull and Bush

1. Come, come

drink some port wine with me

1. Down at the Old Bull and Bush

1. Hear the little German band

1. Just let me hold your hand, dear

1. Do, do come and have a drink or mo

1. Down at the Old Bull and Bush

1. Talk about the shade

of the sheltering palm

1. Praise the bamboo tree

with its wide spreading charm

1. There's a little nook

down our old Hampstead Town

1. You know the place

it has won great renown

1. Often, with my sweetheart

on a bright summers day

1. To the little pub

there my footsteps will stray

1. If she hesitates

when she looks at the sign

1. All of youjoin in

a glass of good wine

1. Come, come

Come and make eyes at me

1. Down at the Old Bull and Bush

1. Come, come

drink some port wine with me

1. Down at the Old Bull and Bush

1. Hear the little German band

1. La, la, la, la, la, la, la

1. Just let me hold your hand, dear

1. Do, do come and have a drink or mo

1. Down at the Old Bull and Bush

1. Bush, bush #

[indistinct chattering]

[all hollering]

[barking]

- # Rawhide

- [knock on door]

- Come in.

- Excuse me, Roger, are you busy?

Oh, no, Kermit, come on in.

You know, I'm sorry I haven't

had more time to talk to you.

Things have been hectic

around here today.

Oh, I understand.

How's the show going, really?

Oh... fine. Fine.

- Oh? Any problems?

- No, no... Smoothest show ever.

- Good. Glad to hear it.

- Looking forward to your final number.

Oh, good. I only hope

l don't turn chicken before I do it.

What? What? Why!?

l just mean stage nerves.

You know, I always get them.

- Oh, oh, good.

- Good?

Well, I mean,

good that a big star like you

still gets chickens...

l mean, butterFlies.

Hey, Kermit,

you never guess what happened.

Wait a minute. I recognize that voice.

Isn't that Lew Zealand?

- Uh, uh... No.

- Yeah!

That chicken suit

really looks convincing.

Oh, glad you like it. [chuckles]

Golly. Say, tell me something, Lew,

are you still doing that,

what you call the Boomerang, the fish...

Boomerang fish act, is what it is.

Oh, yeah, sure, but I've

had to make a couple of changes.

What kind of changes?

Well, I'm calling it Lew Zealand

and his Boomerang Egg Act.

l see. How's it go?

Well, you see,

l throw the eggs away...

- Oh.

- Yey!

Whoa!

No!

l got to say it.

These are the yolks, folks.

Eggs-actly.

I# Pop Goes the Wease_

[sneezes]

Oh, boy, Veterinarian's Hospital, ne_.

Veterinarian's Hospital.

- Gonzo.

- Yes, Kermit.

- [chuckles] Hello, ladies.

- Gonzo...

- Yeah, listen...

- Yes, what?

Got that list of everybody

who's turned into a chicken?

- I sure do, Kermit. Right here.

- OK, let's see.

So far it's Scooter, Animal,

Fozzie, Floyd,

- Janice, Lew Zealand...

- Will you get out of here, chicken.

[Miss Piggy's voice]

Oh, yeah? Chicken this. Hi-yah!

[grunting] You wanna add

one more name to that list?

- [crashing]

- [clucking]

[male announcer] And now,

Veterinarian's Hospital.

Cluck, cluck.

The continuing stoy

of a quack who's gone to the dogs.

[Rowlq More like a dog

that's gone to the quacks.

[Janice] For sure.

[Miss Piggy] Dr. Bob,

chickens do not quack.

- They do when they're young.

- They do?

Sure. If you drop an egg, it'll quack.

Oh, wow.

Dr. Bob are you ready

for the first patient?

No, I'm ready for the second patient.

What's the matter

with the first patient?

l don't know. That's why

l want the second patient.

- Here she is, Dr. Bob.

- Oh, no! Another chicken.

Yeah, if they keep bringing in chickens

we're going to be here hours.

- What do you mean?

- We'll have to work around the cluck.

And so, we come to the end

ofanotherVeterinarian's Hospital.

Tune in next week when

you'll hear Nurse Piggy say...

Dr. Bob, shall we

give the chicken a transfusion?

- No, that won't do.

- Oh, what will do?

- Cocka-doodle-doo.

- [all laugh]

These chickens

sure make for a different show.

Yeah. But it'll all

adds up to the same old turkey.

Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.

Uh, sorry about all this stuff,

but some very strange things

have been going on tonight,

but I think everything is now

under control as we once again

present our very special guest...

Ah... Ah... [sneezes]

Oh, darn.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Roger Miller.

[applause]

[# Do-Whack-A-DoI

1. Well, I heartell

you're doin' well

1. Good things have come to you

1. I wish I had your happiness

1. And you had a d_wack-a-do

Wack-a-d_wack-a-do

ralIJ # D_wack-a-d_wack-a-do

1. Yeah, I see you goin' down

the street in your big Cadillac

1. You got girls in the front

You got girls in the back

1. And way in the back

you got money in the sack

1. And both hands on the wheel

and your shoulders reared back

[scatting]

1. Well, I heartell

you're doin' well

1. Good things have come to you

1. I wish I had your good luck charm

1. And you had a d_wack-a-do

Wack-a-d_wack-a-do

1. D_wack-a-d_wack-a-do #

One night, for no particular reason,

I wrote this little song:

(# Dang MeI

1. Dang me, dang me

1. They oughta take a rope and hang me

1. High from the highest tree

1. Woman, would you weep for me?

[scatting]

One more time.

[scatting]

1. Roses are red

and violets are purple

1. Sugar is sweet

and so is maple surple

1. Well, I'm the seventh

out of seven sons

1. My pappy was a pistol

I'm a son of a gun

1. Dang me, dang me

1. They oughta take a rope and hang me

1. High from the highest tree

1. Woman, would you weep for me?

[scatting]

One more time.

[scatting]

(# My Uncle Used to Love Me

But She Die_

1. My uncle used to love me

but she died

1. A chicken ain't chicken

till it's lickin' good fried

[clucking]

1. Keep on the sunny side

1. My uncle used to love me but she died

1. Who'll bid me quarter, cents

for a ring of keys

1. Three sixty-five for

a dollar bill of groceries

1. I'll have me a car of my own someday

but 'til then I n_ a ride

1. My uncle used to love me

but she died

1. My uncle used to love me

but she died

1. A chicken ain't chicken

till it's lickin' good fried

1. Keep on the sunny side

1. My uncle used to

love me but she died #

And just some of you might happen

to be into buffalos.

(# You Can't Rollerskate

in a buffalo Her_

1. You can't rollerskate

in a buffalo herd

1. You can't rollerskate

in a buffalo herd

1. You can't rollerskate

in a buffalo herd

1. But you can be happy

if you've a mind to

1. You can't take a shower

in a parakeet cage

1. You can't take a shower

in a parakeet cage

1. You can't take a shower

in a parakeet cage

1. But you can be happy

if you've a mind to

1. Now, all you goma do

is put your mind to it

1. Knuckle down, buckle down

[all] # Do it, do it, do it

1. You can't rollerskate

in a buffalo herd

1. You can't rollerskate

in a buffalo herd

1. You can't bu_alate in a...

1. You can be happy

if you've a mind to

[scatting]

- [applause]

- [clucking]

OK, well, we've just about

reached the end of our show,

and I must say it has been a foul one.

But, before we go, this is

Kermit the Chicken asking

for one last round of applause for

our guest star, Mr. Roger Miller! Yay!

[applause, cheering]

Thank you.

Correct me if I'm wrong, Kermit,

you have turned into

a chicken, haven't you?

Oh, it's so humiliating, Roger.

everybody has.

You know... You know what it is?

I think you have cluckitis.

What! You've heard of cluckitis?

I had it one time. It's nothing

really for you to worry about, Kermit.

In a few days it'll go, it'll go away

and you'll be just like you always were.

But until then you'll look great!

Gonzo!

We'll see you next time

on The Muppet Show!

[both laughing]

- I bet you were expecting chickens!

- Woof, woof, woof!

- Woof, woof.

- Woof, woof.