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Episode 320: Sylvester Stallone/transcript

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Cold open

Theme

Opening number

Backstage

Gladiator

Backstage

Dressing room

Otto the Automatic Entertainer

UK spot

Dressing room

William Tell Overture

Veterinarian's Hospital

Backstage

Fozzie's comedy act

"A Bird in a Gilded Cage"

Goodnights

[knocking]

Sylvester Stallone, fifteen seconds

to curtain, Mr. Stallone.

- Everything OK?

- Oh, yeah, I'm happy as a clam.

[clams moaning]

I'm so miserable!

My back hurts!

I've gotta work overtime tonight.

Well, happy as some clams.

[drum roll]

It's The Muppet Show with our very

special guest star, Sylvester Stallone!

Yay!

  1. It's time to play the music

It's time to light the light

  1. It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

  1. It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

  1. It's time to get things started
  1. Why don't you get things started?

Hey, don't you guys ever dust in here?

[coughing]

  1. It's time to get things started
  1. On the most sensational, inspirational
  1. Celebrational, Muppetational
  1. This is what we call

The Muppet Show! #

[applause]

Thank you, thank you,

and welcome again to The Muppet Show.

It's gonna be a wonderFul show tonight

because our special guest is a writer,

director and the talented star

of that popular film Rocky,

Mr. Sylvester Stallone!

[screaming]

I'm sorry about that, folks.

Now, we're going to present

a dance from Hawaii...

ls Sylvester gonna wear a grass skirt?

No! He's not in the number!

Get back to your seat!

Curtain!

(# Hawaiian War Chan_

[animal noises]

[singing in Hawaiian]

[monkey shrieks]

[singing in deep voice]

[howling]

[monkey shrieks]

Aloha!

[monkey continues shrieking]

[dings]

[dings]

[dings]

[dings]

[monkey shrieks]

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Hey, are you speaking Hawaiian?

No! I bit my tongue!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

OK, nice number. Nice number.

Well, don't complain. Working on The

Muppet Show's a great job for a pig.

I'll say. We could be working luaus.

We're off to a possibly decent start.

[muppets chattering]

We're here! We're really here!

Good grief, it's Sylvester Stallone's

groupie brigade.

Uh, listen, girls, you're not

allowed backstage during the show.

Oh, it's OK, we've got passes.

Yeah.

Passes? We don't give out passes.

I'll say you don't give 'em out, frog.

Yeah, they cost us a bundle.

Wait a minute. Who could be selling

backstage passes around here?

...seven, twenty-eight, twentynine bucks!

- Scooter!

- Yeah, boss?

- Scooter, I wanna talk to you!

- OK.

I've gotta introduce Sylvester Stallone.

[girls gasping]

But I want you to stay

right here and don't move.

Right. See how valuable

those passes are, girls?

The frog's gonna let us stay right here

so we can see Sylvester up close.

[all gasping]

Up close! Up close!

OK, right now, we take you back

in time to the old Roman Coliseum,

where brave gladiators sometimes

looked like Sylvester Stallone!

[bugle fanfare music]

[growling]

[cheering]

[cheering]

[muppets chattering]

Hold this, guys.

[growling]

[Stallone growls]

[whimpers]

[shrieks]

[crowd booing]

Look!

[crowd booing]

- [audience cheering]

- Kill him! Kill him!

Kill him! Kill him!

[lion] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Kill him! Kill him!

[groaning]

(# Let's Call The Whole Thing OM

  1. I say I'll bite you
  1. And I say I'll beat you

I say I'll beat you

  1. And I say I'll eat you

- # Fight you!

- # Beat you!

- # Bite you!

- # Eat you!

  1. Let's call the whole thing o_

[lion gasping]

[shouting]

  1. I say Agustus
  1. And I say Agoostus
  1. I say quo vadis
  1. And I say where ya going?

- # Agustus

- # Agoostus

- # Quo vadis

- # Where ya going?

  1. Let's call the whole thing o_

We've gotta

make this look good, all right?

[both grunting]

  1. If we call the whole thing o_,

then we must part

[howls]

[lion howls]

  1. So if you like Plato

and I like Pluto

  1. I'll give up Plato and stick with

Pluto and Mickey and Goofy

[commotion]

  1. Let's call the whole thing

_ O# _

Come on, I'll buy you a steak.

I always heard that music can soothe

the savage beast. Now I believe it.

Yeah, good thing the lion learned

to sing. Stallone would've killed him.

[both laugh]

Balonius and Stomp my Foot

went to the fair.

Balonius come back, who's left there?

Uh, Stomp my Foot.

OK.

- [stomps]

- Ow!

Oh, OK, girls, here comes Kermit!

- Now, do exactly what I told you to.

- OK.

Scooter, it's time

we had a serious talk.

Boss, I understand you don't want

these groupies backstage.

That's true.

You're angry with me

for letting them in.

That's true too.

I wouldn't have if they weren't

just so desperate to see you!

Me?

[girls] Kermit!

Wait! Oh, wait!

Girls! Girls! Girls! You're going to

have to leave! Kermit insists upon it.

- [girls groan]

- Uh, wait, wait now.

Well, leaving isn't

what I insist upon, exactly.

Uh, well, uh, standing quietly

over there near my desk

will do just fine.

[Kermit chuckling]

He fell for it!

OK, quickly now, up the stairs, we'll go

to Sylvester's dressing room. Come on!

Who was that small green man?

[knocking]

- Sly, could I have a word with you?

- Sure, Scooter, come on in.

Oh, great. You see, there are a couple

of your fans waiting outside.

- They're not waiting, they wanted...

- [girls gasping]

Oh, it's really him!

Touch me! Touch me, please! Touch me!

Touch you.

See, I told you.

Oh, look at all

the bodybuilding stuff Sly has here!

Are you really training, Sly?

Well, no, not really.

I mean, I'm not really a fighter.

I made a movie about fighting. But

I like to work out and keep in shape.

- [girls gasping]

- What'd I tell you!

Hey, Sly,

could you show us a few punches?

Scooter, for you, anything.

Oh, OK, girls, you hear that? Punches!

This, this is a jab.

Whoa!

- More?

- Please.

OK, this is a one-mo.

[screaming]

OK, this is a big combination.

One-two, and here it comes... Oh!

[screaming]

Could I have your autograph?

- Me too!

- Me too!

[man's voice] Me too!

Who said that?

I did. Boy, Stallone,

do you have some left hook.

[chuckling]

All right, and now,

for something sort of different.

Ladies and gentlemen, Professor Albert

Flan and his Robot Comedian.

Hello there, boys and girls.

Is everybody having a good time?

[Statler] No!

Great. Well, we're sure having

some fun tonight, huh? [chuckles]

But look! Who's this?

It's Otto, the Automatic Entertainer!

[robot grunts]

Hi there, Otto.

No, come back, come back. [chuckling]

[robot beeping]

Well, say hello

to the nice boys and girls, Otto.

Hello, nice boys and girls, Otto.

No, no, no, behind you.

[beeping]

- [spring snapping]

- Whoo!

Say, aren't you Otto,

the six million dollar funny man?

- Bup, Bup.

- Shake.

[chuckling]

Well, you don't get a lot

for six million dollars these days.

Yeah, a little topical humor there

for the grownups.

Still, I bet you've got some funny jokes

for the boys and girls tonight, Otto.

Oh, yes. There was

this six foot parrot goes...

...into this restaurant.

[bleeping]

...to pay, but I can tap dance if you...

[bleeping]

...and started eating the bagpipes.

Ha, ha, ha...

Uh, wow, terrific. [chuckling]

And now... Uh...

Well, bye-bye, boys and girls.

[fanfare]

I# Oh, Lady Be G_

  1. Oh, sweet and tender
  1. Lady be g_

Yeah.

  1. Oh, lady be good
  1. To me
  1. I am so awfully misunderstood
  1. Oh, lady be good
  1. Be good to me

[scats]

Yeah, sing it.

  1. Hey, I'm just a lonesome baby
  1. In the world
  1. Oh, lady be good
  1. Be good to me

[scats]

[scats]

Yeah, sing it to us, Floyd.

  1. All day I'mjust a lonesome thing

in the world

  1. Mmmm lady be good
  1. Be good to me
  1. Oh, lady
  1. Oh, lady be good
  1. Lady be g_
  1. Yeah #

All right.

- [knocking]

- Hello?

Hello, Sylv, are you decent?

No, but my folks were. Come on in.

Rumor has it that there are a bunch

of groupies loose in the theater.

- Oh, really.

- Yeah.

Do you, uh, think I'm safe here?

- Yeah, I think you can rest easy.

- Hmm.

You know, I noticed when you came here

you didn't arrive with much baggage.

Yeah, that's me,

I travel light, no baggage.

Yeah, that's you. [chuckling]

Traveling light, yeah.

Listen, if you need anything

you just let me know, huh.

Thanks a lot, Link. I appreciate it.

If you wanted my aftershave lotion,

it's in the right-hand drawer.

Thanks, Link, but I don't.

My cologne is in the left drawer.

Thank you, Link.

And the scented body talc

is above the mirror.

Link, you treat yourself well,

you know that?

Oh, can't complain. You know, us guys,

you gotta stay fit. Watch this.

[groans, gasps]

Link?

[Link moans]

What's the matter?

What's the matter? Oh.

I'll get it.

Oh, tell me the worst. Did he mark me?

Yeah, a little bit, I'm afraid.

Oh, no.

Hey, Link Link,

don't cry, don't feel bad.

You still smell nice.

Excuse me.

Oh! Oh! You can't go out there.

That is the stage.

- Well, I know that...

- Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

I know that. I'm playing

in the William Tell Overture.

I didn't know you were musical.

I'm not.

Hmm. Should have a lot in common

with the rest of the band.

(# William Tell OvertureI

[fanfare]

[laughter]

[announcer] Time once again

forVeterinarian's Hospital.

[Miss Piggy] When are we on?

The continuing stooooy

of a quack who's gone to the dogs.

All right, Nurse Janice,

where is the next patient?

Here he is, Dr. Bob.

- Where's he from?

- Hawaii.

I'm fine, thanks. How are you?

[laughing]

Oh, Dr. Bob, that is the oldest joke

since they renamed the islands.

- What were they called before?

- Sandwich.

No thanks.

I might get crumbs on the patient.

[laughing]

Dr. Bob, the patient

was in the opening Hawaiian number.

Oh.

Why wasn't I in that number?

I can do the hula.

I've seen you do the hula.

You're no great shakes.

I think the patient misses Hawaii.

He's homesick.

How can he be homesick

when he's right here sick?

I mean, he misses his home in Hawaii.

- Oh, I can fix that. Hey, patient?

- Yeah.

Watch this.

Mmm. Mmm.

- What is that?

- Swaying palms.

Swaying palms!

Hey, wait! Wait! Wait! Have we got any,

have we got any napples?

- Napples?

- Mm-hm.

You mean apples?

No, napples. You put 'em on pies.

Oh, no.

Pineapples!

[Janice] Oh, no!

[announcer] So we come to the end

of another Veterinarian's Hospital.

He still up there?

Tune in next week

when you'll hear Dr. Bob say...

Listen, maybe he's not

really from Hawaii.

Let's take his temperature and find out.

That makes sense.

Yep, he's from Hawaii. Look, -O.

- [Janice] Oh!

- [Miss Piggy] -O! -O!

OK, nice one, Dr. Bob.

Nice? It was a Honolulu.

[laughing]

We must've used every

dumb Hawaiian joke in the book.

Hey, Hawaiians aren't dumb!

You'll be hearing from my friends

on Noman.

Noman? Where is that?

No man is an island.

He fell for it.

Yeah, if you think that joke was bad,

I'm gonna go out and introduce Fozzie.

[fanfare]

Ladies and gentlemen, comedy magic

- with our own Fozzie... What?

- [Fozzie] Psst! Psst!

I cannot do my Sawing

a Lady in Half Act.

How come, no saw?

No lady.

Hey, Kermit, how about

a Sawing a Frog in Half?

[sighing] Fozzie!

- You just start. I'll find you a lady.

- I'm not ready.

And now, ladies

and gentlemen, Mr. Fozzie Bear.

[fanfare]

Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya!

Thank you, thank you

and thank you! Haaa!

Yes, sir, Fozzie the magician.

Ahhh.

A box! There's a box. Ha, ha, ha.

Uh, uh, uh...

Say, who was that box

I saw you with last night?

That was no box. That was my luggage.

Ha, ha, ha!

I am dicing with death out here, Kermit.

Don't worry, it's OK.

I found you a lady.

You did? Is she beautiful?

No, but she's willing.

Good enough!

Alrighty! Ladies and gentlemen,

sawing a lady in half!

[beeping]

[spring bouncing]

[buzzing]

This is a lady?

This is a magician?

Will you cut that out!

- [beeping]

- Wha...?

All right, um, uh, all right,

into the box, beautiful assistant.

- Into the box.

- Into the box.

The box! Over here, the box!

[bleeping]

You will notice that I did not touch

or aid my assistant in any way.

Get back, you fool! Into the box!

- [bleeping]

- Don't touch me! Into the box!

Just do the trick and wind it up!

Uh, yes, sir. This is ridiculous.

All right, sawing a, uh...

...thing in half.

- [robot] Mama. Mama. Mama.

- [sighing]

- Mama.

- Oh, shut up!

Not the main power cables.

Say, what?

[electrical zapping]

[groaning]

[thud]

- Well, what did you think?

- Shocking.

[laughing] Yes, but was it funny?

Of course not.

That'd really be shocking.

Once again, ladies and gentlemen,

our very special guest star,

Sylvester Stallone.

(# A Bird In A Gilded CageI

[speaking as a _m] The ballr_m

was filled with fashion's throng

It shone with a thousand lights

And there was a woman

who passed along

The fairest of all the sights.

A girl to her lover then softly cried

There's riches at her command.

But she married for wealth

And not for love

Tho she lived in a mansion grand.

  1. She's only a bird in a gilded cage
  1. A beautiful sight to see
  1. Sight to see
  1. You may think she's happy

and free from care

  1. She's not what she seems to be
  1. Seems to be

[speaking] 'Tis sad when you think

of her wasted life

For youth cannot mate with age

  1. Mate with age
  1. But her beauty was sold
  1. for an old man's gold
  1. She's a bird in a gilded cage

[speaking] I stood in a churchyard

just at eve

When sunset adorned the west

And I looked at the people

who'd come to grieve

For loved ones now laid to rest

A tall marble monument marked the grave

Of one who had been fashion's queen

And I thought she is happier

here at rest

Then to have people say

when seen

  1. She's only a bird in a gilded cage

- # A beautiful sight to see

- [Fozzie cries]

- # Sight to see

- [honks nose]

  1. You may think she's happy

and free from care

  1. She's not what she seems to be
  1. Seems to be

[speaking] 'Tis sad when you think

of her wasted life

For youth cannot mate with age

  1. Mate with age
  1. And her beauty was sold
  1. for an old man's gold
  1. She's a bird in a gilded
  1. Cage #

[all crying]

[continue crying]

The time has come to say goodbye,

because we don't have time

for anything else.

But before we go,

let's have one last round of applause

for the one and only Sylvester Stallone!

Yay!

Kermit, I had a great time. I hope

I didn't hurt the talking punching bag.

Hey, what hurt?

Come on, Stallone,

give us one for old time sake.

OK.

[chuckling] Hey, Stallone,

my kind of guy.

OK. That's it for now. We'll see you

next time on The Muppet Show!

You've been a wonderFul laugh track! OK!

Well, they say all good things

come to an end.

What's that got to do with this show?

[laughing]

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