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Episode 319: Elke Sommer/transcript

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1 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:10,635 [knocking]

2 00:00:10,699 --> 00:00:13,869 Elke Sommer, 1 5 seconds to curtain, Miss Sommer.

3 00:00:13,933 --> 00:00:15,534 Uh, thank you, Scooter.

4 00:00:15,599 --> 00:00:18,336 Listen, l hate to complain, but... [clears throat]

5 00:00:18,399 --> 00:00:20,401 ...there's a man eating my makeup table.

6 00:00:20,466 --> 00:00:22,868 l'm terribly sory.

7 00:00:22,933 --> 00:00:26,536 Fred, you're supposed to eat the wardrobe!

8 00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:28,301 Sory.

9 00:00:29,433 --> 00:00:31,668 Wardrobe, that makes more sense.

10 00:00:32,700 --> 00:00:34,201 l guess.

11 00:00:35,966 --> 00:00:37,300 [drum roll]

12 00:00:37,366 --> 00:00:41,203 lt's rhe Muppet Show with our vey special guest star, Elke Sommer.

13 00:00:41,266 --> 00:00:43,668 Yay!

14 00:00:57,000 --> 00:01:00,803

  1. It's time to play the music

It's time to light the light

15 00:01:00,866 --> 00:01:04,936

  1. It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

16 00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:09,204

  1. It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

17 00:01:09,266 --> 00:01:11,101

  1. It's time to get things started

18 00:01:11,166 --> 00:01:13,334

  1. Why don't you get things started?

19 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:16,369 [singing in baby talk]

20 00:01:17,599 --> 00:01:19,368

  1. It's time to get things started

21 00:01:19,433 --> 00:01:21,802

  1. On the most sensational, inspirational

22 00:01:21,866 --> 00:01:23,934

  1. Celebrational, Muppetational

23 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:29,839

  1. This is what we call

The Muppet Show! #

24 00:01:34,700 --> 00:01:36,902 Watch out for the balcony!

25 00:01:36,966 --> 00:01:39,401 [crash]

26 00:01:41,566 --> 00:01:42,967 [applause]

27 00:01:43,033 --> 00:01:46,169 Hi, you all. Kermit the frog here, and this is The Muppet Show.

28 00:01:46,233 --> 00:01:48,368 And you have been warned.

29 00:01:48,433 --> 00:01:51,536 We have a real treat tonight because our vey special guest star

30 00:01:51,599 --> 00:01:54,436 is one of the world's most beautiful and talented ladies,

31 00:01:54,500 --> 00:01:55,968 Miss Elke Sommer.

32 00:01:56,033 --> 00:02:00,737 But before we get to her, ladies and gentlemen, Bobby Benson's Baby Band!

33 00:02:02,166 --> 00:02:06,403 A one, a mo, a one, mo, three...

34 00:02:06,466 --> 00:02:08,968 (# Pennsylvania 6-5000I

35 00:02:23,699 --> 00:02:26,536

  1. Pennsylvania 6-5000!

36 00:02:40,033 --> 00:02:42,902

  1. Pennsylvania 6-5000!

37 00:02:57,199 --> 00:02:59,335 [bawls]

38 00:03:11,833 --> 00:03:15,336

  1. Pennsylvania 6-5-O-O-O! #

39 00:03:18,666 --> 00:03:20,334 [baby babbles]

40 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,068 Yeah.

41 00:03:22,133 --> 00:03:24,702 That's my babies. That's my babies.

42 00:03:26,233 --> 00:03:28,635 [babbling]

43 00:03:28,699 --> 00:03:30,134 ls that your kid?

44 00:03:30,199 --> 00:03:34,337 Of course not. l'm just babysitting. This is my grandson.

45 00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,235 Well, there is a resemblance.

46 00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:39,102 Yeah, but l won't be bald and toothless forever.

47 00:03:39,166 --> 00:03:41,434 [laughing]

48 00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:45,036 OK, Muppet Labs onstage next, Muppet Labs.

49 00:03:45,099 --> 00:03:47,235 Mr. Kermit, where's Beaker?

50 00:03:47,300 --> 00:03:49,301 Beaker, l'm sure l don't know.

51 00:03:49,366 --> 00:03:53,136 Uh, oh, fiddle faddle. l shall have to cancel Muppet Labs this week.

52 00:03:53,199 --> 00:03:54,734 - [Beaker] Hmm? - [Kermit] Huh?

53 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:58,870 And l was going to give Beaker the honor of demonstrating this new diesel shaver.

54 00:03:58,933 --> 00:04:00,601 [groans]

55 00:04:00,666 --> 00:04:03,235 Well, it's a close shave for Beaker either way.

56 00:04:03,300 --> 00:04:06,503 Yeah. Sory to cancel at such short notice.

57 00:04:06,566 --> 00:04:07,967 Oh, that's OK.

58 00:04:08,033 --> 00:04:10,535 Hate to go out there and lose face.

59 00:04:10,599 --> 00:04:12,335 l'm sure Beaker felt the same way.

60 00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:15,336 [Beaker] Uh-huh. [sighs]

61 00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:16,734 [gasps]

62 00:04:21,566 --> 00:04:23,734 Hey, this is a new one.

63 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:26,636 l'll plug it in and see if it's working.

64 00:04:28,166 --> 00:04:30,968 - [electrical zapping] - [Beaker screams]

65 00:04:32,899 --> 00:04:34,901 - [zapping] - [screaming]

66 00:04:34,966 --> 00:04:37,401 lt's working!

67 00:04:38,133 --> 00:04:41,302 Uh, OK, owing to the unfortunate cancellation of Muppet Labs...

68 00:04:41,366 --> 00:04:44,702 - [zapping] - [screaming]

69 00:04:44,766 --> 00:04:48,302 ...combined with the fact that the furniture is taking over the show...

70 00:04:48,366 --> 00:04:51,469 ...uh, it's around this time that l start to wonder why l do it.

71 00:04:51,533 --> 00:04:53,534 There is a reason, of course. Here it is.

72 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:57,570 We now turn over our stage to the Iovely and talented Miss Elke Sommer!

73 00:05:00,166 --> 00:05:03,035 (# Animal Crackers In My SoupI

74 00:05:06,266 --> 00:05:09,402

  1. Animal crackers in my soup

75 00:05:09,466 --> 00:05:12,735

  1. Monkeys and rabbits loop the loop

76 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:15,836

  1. Gosh, oh gee, but l have fun

77 00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:18,802

  1. Swallowing animals one bye one!

78 00:05:18,866 --> 00:05:22,636

  1. In evey bowl of soup l see

79 00:05:22,699 --> 00:05:25,335

  1. Lions and tigers watching me

80 00:05:25,399 --> 00:05:27,401

  1. l make themjump

right through a hoop...

81 00:05:27,466 --> 00:05:31,436 Uh, hold, hold. Wait, wait. One second.

82 00:05:31,500 --> 00:05:33,101 Listen, l'm sory, Elke.

83 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:36,903 But you're a great singer and a perFect perFormer and...

84 00:05:36,966 --> 00:05:41,070 But, you see, this whole little girl Iook just isn't right for this show.

85 00:05:41,133 --> 00:05:44,436 But why, Kermit? l mean, it's such a cute little show.

86 00:05:44,500 --> 00:05:47,936 With little piggies and little duckies

87 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:50,569 and not to even mention little froggies. [giggles]

88 00:05:51,633 --> 00:05:54,135 Yeah, but you see, we ty to appeal to adults.

89 00:05:54,199 --> 00:05:58,938 l mean, we're vey suave, sophisticated duckies and piggies and froggies.

90 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:02,770 Oh, gee, yeah, well, gee, l got the whole thing all wrong.

91 00:06:02,833 --> 00:06:05,135 Do you think l could get a chance to do it again?

92 00:06:05,199 --> 00:06:07,168 Well, OK, yeah, sure, of course.

93 00:06:07,233 --> 00:06:09,935 OK, curtain! Curtain!

94 00:06:10,966 --> 00:06:12,500 [fanfare]

95 00:06:12,566 --> 00:06:15,035 OK, well, l'm sory for that little hitch, folks.

96 00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:18,536 But here she is now, the wonderFul Miss Elke Sommer.

97 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:23,669 (# Animal Crackers In My SoupI

98 00:06:28,733 --> 00:06:34,472 [sung seductively]

  1. Animal crackers in my soup

99 00:06:35,233 --> 00:06:40,938

  1. Monkeys and rabbits loop the loop

100 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:46,638

  1. Gosh, oh gee, but l have fun

101 00:06:46,699 --> 00:06:52,105

  1. Swallowing animals one bye one

102 00:06:53,333 --> 00:06:59,272

  1. In evey bowl of soup l see

103 00:06:59,333 --> 00:07:04,571

  1. Lions and tigers watching me

104 00:07:05,366 --> 00:07:10,204

  1. l make themjump

right through a hoop...

105 00:07:10,266 --> 00:07:12,468 Yeah, yeah, uh, hold, uh, l'm sory...

106 00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:15,402 What is it now, Kermit? Wasn't that sophisticated enough?

107 00:07:15,466 --> 00:07:17,134 l gave it evemhing l had.

108 00:07:17,199 --> 00:07:19,835 Uh, yeah, uh, yeah. Well, that's true.

109 00:07:19,899 --> 00:07:23,737 But it just... it just, well, it's not the way that... we would do it.

110 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:25,468 - l mean, you people? - Mm-hmm.

111 00:07:25,533 --> 00:07:28,636 - How would you people do it then? - Would you like to do it our way?

112 00:07:28,699 --> 00:07:31,469 Sure, l'd like to do it your way. That's what l'm here for.

113 00:07:31,533 --> 00:07:33,868 Oh, well, uh, brave girl.

114 00:07:33,933 --> 00:07:37,403 OK, curtain! Curtain!

115 00:07:37,466 --> 00:07:39,568 [fanfare]

116 00:07:39,633 --> 00:07:41,634 OK, well... [clears throat]

117 00:07:41,699 --> 00:07:44,536 ...uh, ladies and gentlemen, here to do her first number

118 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:47,002 for the third time...

119 00:07:47,066 --> 00:07:48,934 ...Elke Sommer!

120 00:07:50,166 --> 00:07:53,802 (# Animal Crackers In My SoupI

121 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:58,202 [sang in an lively mood]

  1. In evey bowl of soup l see

122 00:07:58,266 --> 00:08:00,668

  1. Lions and tigers watching me

123 00:08:00,733 --> 00:08:03,435

  1. l make themjump right through a hoop

124 00:08:03,500 --> 00:08:06,436

  1. Those animal crackers in my soup

125 00:08:06,500 --> 00:08:08,802

  1. When l get hold of the big bad wolf

126 00:08:08,866 --> 00:08:11,802

  1. l push him underto drown

127 00:08:11,866 --> 00:08:14,201

  1. Then l bite him in a million bits

128 00:08:14,266 --> 00:08:17,335

  1. And l gobble him right down,

yeah

129 00:08:17,399 --> 00:08:20,102

  1. When they're inside me

where it's dark

130 00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:22,468

  1. l walk around like Woah's ark

131 00:08:22,533 --> 00:08:25,402 l stu_ my tummy, like a goop

132 00:08:25,466 --> 00:08:28,235

  1. With animal crackers in

133 00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:29,701

  1. My

134 00:08:29,766 --> 00:08:31,634

  1. Soup #

135 00:08:42,133 --> 00:08:45,035 You know, l don't think this show is suitable for children.

136 00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:48,102 l don't think this show is suitable for anybody.

137 00:08:48,166 --> 00:08:50,167 [all laughing]

138 00:08:51,833 --> 00:08:55,603 OK, so listen, you mo are gonna build a set for Elke's closing number, huh?

139 00:08:55,666 --> 00:08:58,402 Oh, sure. What kind of number is it?

140 00:08:58,466 --> 00:09:02,469 Uh, well... it's a spectacular tribute to ancient Egypt

141 00:09:02,533 --> 00:09:04,534 so the set really has to be impressive.

142 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:07,202 Oh, you've come to the right people.

143 00:09:07,266 --> 00:09:09,568 You just tell me and Beaker what you want.

144 00:09:09,633 --> 00:09:10,767 [Beaker squeaks]

145 00:09:10,833 --> 00:09:13,268 Uh, OK, well, l want a royal barge

146 00:09:13,333 --> 00:09:16,502 and a sphinx and don't forget the pyramids.

147 00:09:16,566 --> 00:09:18,601 Oh, sure, pyramids.

148 00:09:18,666 --> 00:09:20,934 But what shape do you want 'em?

149 00:09:21,933 --> 00:09:23,401 - What shape? - Mm-hmm.

150 00:09:23,466 --> 00:09:25,634 We're up the Nile without a paddle.

151 00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:30,836 But we've got a paddle! Look!

152 00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:39,005 Iannouncer1_nd now, Pigs In Space!

153 00:09:40,799 --> 00:09:43,169 When we last left the spaceship Swinetrek,

154 00:09:43,233 --> 00:09:47,303 it was about to make a soft landing on the planet Koozebane.

155 00:09:47,666 --> 00:09:50,502 [Link] Ten... nine...

156 00:09:50,566 --> 00:09:54,569 ...eight... seven... six...

157 00:09:56,899 --> 00:09:57,934 Five.

158 00:09:58,000 --> 00:09:59,568 Five, l know.

159 00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:04,269 Four... three... mo...

160 00:10:04,333 --> 00:10:07,536 ...one... touchdown.

161 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:09,501 That should do it.

162 00:10:09,566 --> 00:10:11,134 Nice work, Link.

163 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:14,469 Thank you, Strangepork. What did you think, First Mate Piggy?

164 00:10:14,533 --> 00:10:17,035 - [crash] - [all groan]

165 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:20,969 [Strangepork and Link chuckle]

166 00:10:21,033 --> 00:10:24,603 l think your landings are hard and your brain is soft.

167 00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:30,237 Well, no matter. Now comes the moment the whole world has been waiting for.

168 00:10:30,299 --> 00:10:31,768 Uh, what's that?

169 00:10:31,833 --> 00:10:35,303 Well, to see the first pig walk on the planet Koozebane.

170 00:10:35,366 --> 00:10:37,134 Oh, oh, yeah.

171 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:38,935 The TV camera is on,

172 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,202 and when you step out there, Link,

173 00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:44,669 you'll become the most famous pig in histoy.

174 00:10:45,833 --> 00:10:48,969 Um... Um...

175 00:10:49,033 --> 00:10:53,904 Why don't l just step out and see if it is safe for mon capitaine.

176 00:10:53,966 --> 00:10:56,535 That's vey thoughtFul of you, First Mate Piggy.

177 00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:57,801 [Piggy humming]

178 00:10:57,866 --> 00:11:02,270 No, Link! She'll be the first pig on the planet Koozebane and get all the gloy!

179 00:11:02,333 --> 00:11:05,736 Oh! Oh! Oh! You're right! Stop, First Mate Piggy!

180 00:11:05,799 --> 00:11:07,935 [Link and Piggy scream]

181 00:11:09,133 --> 00:11:10,767 Nice tackle, Link.

182 00:11:10,833 --> 00:11:13,435 This is a iob for a captain pig.

183 00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:15,168 [Piggy groans]

184 00:11:16,100 --> 00:11:17,935 Wish me luck. Here l go.

185 00:11:20,100 --> 00:11:22,001 [groaning]

186 00:11:22,066 --> 00:11:23,867 Oh, no, it's stuck.

187 00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:25,968 [Strangepork] Maybe it opens in, Link.

188 00:11:26,033 --> 00:11:28,835 No, it definitely opens out, l know. [groaning]

189 00:11:28,899 --> 00:11:30,468 Oh, brother.

190 00:11:30,533 --> 00:11:32,735 l'm gonna have to... l'm gonna have to back up

191 00:11:32,799 --> 00:11:35,369 and get a running start and break down this door.

192 00:11:35,433 --> 00:11:38,536 - Uh, excuse me. Uh... - Here l go. Back up. Watch out.

193 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:41,402 Moth brain, if it doesn't...

194 00:11:41,466 --> 00:11:45,369 lf it doesn't open in, and if it doesn't open out,

195 00:11:45,433 --> 00:11:47,434 - then obviously... - Here l come!

196 00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:51,437 ...it must slide open. [groans]

197 00:11:51,500 --> 00:11:53,401 Whoa!

198 00:11:53,466 --> 00:11:55,201 [thud]

199 00:11:56,033 --> 00:11:57,768 [announcer] So ends part one.

200 00:11:57,833 --> 00:12:01,002 lf you can stand it, stay tuned for part mo.

201 00:12:02,833 --> 00:12:04,434 Don't.

202 00:12:08,066 --> 00:12:10,968 [playing up-tempo music]

203 00:12:59,333 --> 00:13:04,304 [singing in baby talk]

204 00:13:30,799 --> 00:13:33,335 [bawling]

205 00:13:58,166 --> 00:14:00,668 [baby bawls]

206 00:14:03,666 --> 00:14:05,401 That's my babies.

207 00:14:06,433 --> 00:14:09,135 [announcer] And now, pa_ mo of Pigs In Space.

208 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:13,270 As you may recall, the spaceship was landing on the planet Koo_ebane

209 00:14:13,333 --> 00:14:17,870 and Link Hog Throb was taking his giant leap for swinekind.

210 00:14:17,933 --> 00:14:19,701 [screams]

211 00:14:19,766 --> 00:14:23,102 [groans] Uh, greetings from Koozebane.

212 00:14:25,100 --> 00:14:27,268 This is Captain Link Hog Throb,

213 00:14:27,333 --> 00:14:31,570 the first pig to ever set foot on this distant planet.

214 00:14:31,633 --> 00:14:33,201 Uh, forget it.

215 00:14:33,266 --> 00:14:34,700 Wait, l'm on television.

216 00:14:34,766 --> 00:14:36,234 No, you're not, dear.

217 00:14:36,299 --> 00:14:38,001 - Huh? - The camera broke.

218 00:14:38,066 --> 00:14:40,468 [sighs] Well, might as well go home then.

219 00:14:40,533 --> 00:14:42,534 No, no, no! We can't.

220 00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:46,036 We must find out if there is life on Koozebane.

221 00:14:46,100 --> 00:14:49,036 What, you mean... You mean like, uh...

222 00:14:49,100 --> 00:14:51,535 You mean like little green monsters?

223 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,901 l don't know.

224 00:14:55,766 --> 00:14:57,400 But we must find out.

225 00:14:57,466 --> 00:14:59,467 Uh, well...

226 00:14:59,533 --> 00:15:03,136 Yoo-hoo, anybody here? Uh, no, let's go home.

227 00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:06,236 Oh, oh, is my captain afraid?

228 00:15:06,299 --> 00:15:09,336 What, me afraid? Why, of course not.

229 00:15:09,399 --> 00:15:10,434 Yoo-hoo!

230 00:15:10,500 --> 00:15:12,235 - [Link screams] - [Piggy groans]

231 00:15:12,299 --> 00:15:14,001 [gasping] What was that?

232 00:15:14,066 --> 00:15:15,767 lt was me, Link.

233 00:15:15,833 --> 00:15:17,768 Oh, l knew that.

234 00:15:17,833 --> 00:15:19,734 - [Piggy groans] - [thud]

235 00:15:19,799 --> 00:15:22,636 Uh, you all right now, First Mate Piggy?

236 00:15:22,700 --> 00:15:24,034 Oh, brother.

237 00:15:24,866 --> 00:15:27,501 Well, there's no life on Koozebane.

238 00:15:27,566 --> 00:15:30,535 My life detection computer pack indicates

239 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:33,836 it's impossible for any life to exist on this planet.

240 00:15:33,899 --> 00:15:35,668 Good, let's go.

241 00:15:35,733 --> 00:15:39,436 What a shame. It's such a pre_ planet.

242 00:15:45,366 --> 00:15:49,670 George, wake up. l think l hear prowlers.

243 00:15:49,733 --> 00:15:53,503 Aw, Martha, go back to sleep.

244 00:15:56,533 --> 00:15:58,201 The hills are alive.

245 00:15:58,266 --> 00:16:00,668

  1. With the sound of music #

246 00:16:00,733 --> 00:16:02,701 [all laughing]

247 00:16:02,766 --> 00:16:04,567 Yeah, they're for you.

248 00:16:04,633 --> 00:16:09,137 [speaks German]

249 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:12,069 [speaks Italian]

250 00:16:12,133 --> 00:16:13,901 Mmm. They're lovely.

251 00:16:13,966 --> 00:16:16,168 Say, how many languages do you speak?

252 00:16:16,233 --> 00:16:17,767 Oh, about six.

253 00:16:17,833 --> 00:16:19,868 [gasps] That's amazing.

254 00:16:19,933 --> 00:16:23,603 No, not really. You have people in your show who speak several languages.

255 00:16:23,666 --> 00:16:26,402 - We do? - Sure. How about the Swedish Chef?

256 00:16:26,466 --> 00:16:29,202 Oh, yeah, how about him? [chuckles]

257 00:16:29,266 --> 00:16:31,501 Doesn't he speak English and Swedish?

258 00:16:31,566 --> 00:16:33,501 l don't think so.

259 00:16:33,566 --> 00:16:35,567 You mean, then he's not bilingual?

260 00:16:35,633 --> 00:16:38,502 l think the Swedish Chef is non-lingual.

261 00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:44,003 However, there is another person in your show who speaks another language.

262 00:16:44,066 --> 00:16:47,969 That's Mademoiselle Piggy, who speaks French not half bad.

263 00:16:48,033 --> 00:16:50,034 Oh, well, look, Iet me tell you a secret.

264 00:16:50,100 --> 00:16:52,035 Uh-huh. [whispering] What? What?

265 00:16:52,100 --> 00:16:56,037 The only French she knows is what she's read off a perFume label.

266 00:16:56,100 --> 00:16:57,701 - You're kidding. - Mm-mm.

267 00:16:57,766 --> 00:16:59,400 - l didn't know that. - It's true.

268 00:16:59,466 --> 00:17:00,900 - l don't believe it. - Yeah.

269 00:17:00,966 --> 00:17:02,701 [clearing throat] Yoo-hoo!

270 00:17:02,766 --> 00:17:05,401 Oh, hi, Miss Piggy. We were just talking about you.

271 00:17:05,466 --> 00:17:07,534 [chuckles] Moi?

272 00:17:07,599 --> 00:17:10,302 Yeah, hey, look, l'd like you to meet Elke Sommer.

273 00:17:10,366 --> 00:17:12,167 Miss Piggy, Elke Sommer.

274 00:17:12,233 --> 00:17:14,101 Enchantée, Elke.

275 00:17:14,166 --> 00:17:15,934 Enchantée, Mademoiselle Piggy.

276 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:18,135 [speaks French]

277 00:17:18,666 --> 00:17:21,068 Uh... [speaks French]

278 00:17:21,133 --> 00:17:23,368 [continues to speak French]

279 00:17:29,900 --> 00:17:31,534 Um...

280 00:17:31,599 --> 00:17:33,702 Maybe this bottle of perFume will help.

281 00:17:33,766 --> 00:17:36,535 - Oh. [chuckling] - What? What?

282 00:17:36,599 --> 00:17:38,335 Gonzo's being funny, you know.

283 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:41,402 He's got the silly notion that the only French you know

284 00:17:41,466 --> 00:17:43,634 comes from reading perFume bottle labels.

285 00:17:43,700 --> 00:17:45,201 - Yeah. [chuckling] - Silly.

286 00:17:45,266 --> 00:17:46,834 - [chuckling] Silly. - Silly.

287 00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:49,802 Silly Gonzo. [growling]

288 00:17:49,866 --> 00:17:52,668 Hey, Miss Piggy, here is something you will understand.

289 00:17:52,733 --> 00:17:54,134 - Hmm? - Lend me an ear.

290 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:55,734 [clears throat]

291 00:17:55,799 --> 00:17:58,469 [snorting like a pig]

292 00:17:59,599 --> 00:18:01,768 - Uh, excuse me... - l'm not finished yet, no.

293 00:18:01,833 --> 00:18:03,834 - [continues snorting] - Uh-huh.

294 00:18:03,900 --> 00:18:05,901 - Well, yes, l... - You see?

295 00:18:05,966 --> 00:18:09,836 [clears throat] l don't know what you're talking about?

296 00:18:09,900 --> 00:18:13,503 What do you mean? l was tying to speak in your native tongue, Swine-ese.

297 00:18:13,566 --> 00:18:15,167 [Gonzo chuckles]

298 00:18:15,233 --> 00:18:16,634 Swine-ese?

299 00:18:16,700 --> 00:18:19,869 Commonly known as chewing the fat.

300 00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:21,868 [all laugh]

301 00:18:21,933 --> 00:18:23,934 Chewing the fat!

302 00:18:25,033 --> 00:18:26,768 Well, chew on this!

303 00:18:26,833 --> 00:18:28,501 - Hi-ya! - [thud]

304 00:18:28,566 --> 00:18:30,301 - Hi-ya! - [thud]

305 00:18:33,466 --> 00:18:34,500 Miss Piggy?

306 00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:40,670 - OK, Beaker, you hold the nail. - [Miss Piggy shouting]

307 00:18:43,700 --> 00:18:45,735 OK, hold the nail right there.

308 00:18:45,799 --> 00:18:48,135 And l'll hit it with the hammer.

309 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:53,868 Hey, l ain't gonna hit you.

310 00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:55,200 [Beaker squeaks]

311 00:18:55,266 --> 00:18:57,267 Come on, put it there again.

312 00:18:57,333 --> 00:18:59,001 OK.

313 00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:03,969 Beaker, look, look, look.

314 00:19:04,033 --> 00:19:05,834 - l'll take the nail. - Uh.

315 00:19:06,700 --> 00:19:08,368 - Put it there. - Uh-huh.

316 00:19:08,433 --> 00:19:10,301 You watch closely.

317 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,735 - [whack] - [Beaker gasps]

318 00:19:14,799 --> 00:19:16,635 [Beaker whimpers]

319 00:19:16,700 --> 00:19:19,469 Can't you watch closely from further away?

320 00:19:21,433 --> 00:19:24,969 Sheesh. You can't be a master carpenter if you lose your nerve.

321 00:19:28,533 --> 00:19:30,334 OK, here we go.

322 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:33,568 [Beaker gasps]

323 00:19:33,633 --> 00:19:35,434 [thud]

324 00:19:35,500 --> 00:19:38,569 You can't be a master carpenter if you lose your hammer.

325 00:19:40,533 --> 00:19:41,867 [fanfare]

326 00:19:41,933 --> 00:19:44,468 - And now, ladies and... - [Fozzie] Kermit! Kermit!

327 00:19:44,533 --> 00:19:47,469 Oh, why don't they make these curtains with a door?

328 00:19:47,533 --> 00:19:50,202 Kermit, Kazagger's ready. We've got a fish. Go ahead.

329 00:19:50,266 --> 00:19:52,868 - You got a fish? - Don't ask, just introduce.

330 00:19:52,933 --> 00:19:55,235 OK, ladies and gentlemen, Muppet Sports!

331 00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:01,301 Hi out there in Sportsland.

332 00:20:01,366 --> 00:20:04,135 This is Louis Kazagger, welcoming you

333 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:07,369 to the wild world of Muppet sports.

334 00:20:07,433 --> 00:20:12,638 Tonight, the finals of the all-nations goldfish shooting contest.

335 00:20:12,700 --> 00:20:15,669 On my left, the contender.

336 00:20:17,466 --> 00:20:19,835 Allow me to wish you luck, sir.

337 00:20:19,900 --> 00:20:23,503 Luck? Hah! l don't need no luck.

338 00:20:23,566 --> 00:20:25,701 He ain't gonna have a chance.

339 00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:27,667 [gun blast]

340 00:20:30,166 --> 00:20:31,233 Missed!

341 00:20:31,299 --> 00:20:32,467 [fish spits]

342 00:20:37,633 --> 00:20:39,067 OK, how's it going, Bo?

343 00:20:39,133 --> 00:20:42,336 Oh, well, it's close. We've just got to saw off the braces.

344 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:46,804 - Uh-huh. How you gonna do that? - l sent Beaker to get the power saw.

345 00:20:46,866 --> 00:20:48,033 ls that wise?

346 00:20:48,099 --> 00:20:49,668 Oh, sure, he's OK.

347 00:20:49,733 --> 00:20:52,068 He's dumber than you are.

348 00:20:52,133 --> 00:20:53,868 He is not.

349 00:20:54,766 --> 00:20:56,267 [chainsaw buzzing]

350 00:20:56,333 --> 00:20:59,002 Oh, just so long as he doesn't get carried away.

351 00:20:59,066 --> 00:21:00,367 [Beaker shrieking]

352 00:21:00,433 --> 00:21:02,201 Oh, no!

353 00:21:02,266 --> 00:21:04,067 He's getting carried away!

354 00:21:04,133 --> 00:21:06,134 [Beaker continues shrieking]

355 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:07,801 Hang on there, Beaker!

356 00:21:07,866 --> 00:21:10,635 l'll go introduce the number, you get the set finished.

357 00:21:10,700 --> 00:21:13,702 Yes, OK, l'll paint the set. l've just got... Oh!

358 00:21:13,766 --> 00:21:16,301 [growling]

359 00:21:16,366 --> 00:21:18,835 Where is the set?! Hey!

360 00:21:18,900 --> 00:21:22,303 Uh... Uh, well, folks, it's time for one final number

361 00:21:22,366 --> 00:21:24,568 from tonight's wonderFul guest star.

362 00:21:24,633 --> 00:21:28,336 Uh... Hey, could you hammer more softly back there?

363 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:31,069 [Bo] No. Could you talk more loudly?

364 00:21:31,133 --> 00:21:32,300 [groans]

365 00:21:32,366 --> 00:21:36,069 Uh, well, anyway, here she is, one of filmdom's great talents,

366 00:21:36,133 --> 00:21:37,934 and great beauty's, l might add...

367 00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,402 [Bo] Could you speak more slowly out there?

368 00:21:40,466 --> 00:21:42,634 No! Could you hammer more quickly?

369 00:21:43,733 --> 00:21:45,734 Uh... Here she is,

370 00:21:45,799 --> 00:21:49,737 the Cleopatra of movie stars, Miss Elke Sommer!

371 00:21:49,799 --> 00:21:51,635 I# Row, Row, RowI

372 00:21:51,700 --> 00:21:53,268

  1. Row!

373 00:21:55,333 --> 00:21:56,734

  1. Row!

374 00:21:58,700 --> 00:21:59,734

  1. Row!

375 00:21:59,799 --> 00:22:02,435

  1. Young Johnie Jones

he had a cute limle boat

376 00:22:02,500 --> 00:22:03,534

  1. Row!

377 00:22:03,599 --> 00:22:06,202

  1. And all the girlies

he would take for a float

378 00:22:06,266 --> 00:22:09,936 - # Row! - # He had girlies on the shore

379 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:13,770 - # Row! - # Sweet limle peaches by the score

380 00:22:13,833 --> 00:22:17,369

  1. But Johnie

was a wisenheimer you know

381 00:22:17,433 --> 00:22:20,102 - # Row! - # His steady girl was flo

382 00:22:21,099 --> 00:22:24,503 - # Row! - # And evey Sunday afternoon

383 00:22:24,566 --> 00:22:26,200 - # Row! - # He'd jump in his boat

384 00:22:26,266 --> 00:22:28,501

  1. And they would spoon and then he'd

385 00:22:28,566 --> 00:22:30,534 - # Row, row, row! - # Row, row, row!

386 00:22:30,599 --> 00:22:32,234

  1. Way up the river he would

387 00:22:32,299 --> 00:22:34,335 - # Row, row, row! - # Row, row, row!

388 00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:37,669

  1. A hug he'd give her

Then he'd kiss her now and then

389 00:22:37,733 --> 00:22:39,334

  1. She would tell him when

390 00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:41,168

  1. He'd fool around and fool around

391 00:22:41,233 --> 00:22:43,335

  1. And then they'd kiss again

and then he'd

392 00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:45,368 - # Row, row, row! - # Row, row, row!

393 00:22:45,433 --> 00:22:47,001

  1. A little further he would

394 00:22:47,066 --> 00:22:49,968 - # Row! - # Oh, how he'd row

395 00:22:50,033 --> 00:22:54,303

  1. Then he'd drop both his oars

Take a few more encores, and then he'd

396 00:22:54,366 --> 00:22:57,035 - # Row, row, row! - # Row, row, row!

397 00:22:58,000 --> 00:22:59,701

  1. Row!

398 00:22:59,766 --> 00:23:01,701

  1. Row!

399 00:23:01,766 --> 00:23:03,434 - # Row! - Faster!

400 00:23:03,500 --> 00:23:04,934

  1. Row!

401 00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:07,235 - # And then he'd row, row, row! - Faster!

402 00:23:07,299 --> 00:23:08,668

  1. Way up the river he would

403 00:23:08,733 --> 00:23:10,568 - # Row, row, row! - Faster!

404 00:23:10,633 --> 00:23:13,335

  1. A hug he'd giver her

Then he'd kiss her now and then

405 00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:14,768

  1. She would tell him when

406 00:23:14,833 --> 00:23:18,403

  1. He'd fool around and fool around

And then they'd kiss again and then he'd

407 00:23:18,466 --> 00:23:20,234 - # Row, row, row! - # Row, row, row!

408 00:23:20,299 --> 00:23:21,601

  1. A little further he would

409 00:23:21,666 --> 00:23:24,335

  1. Row, oh how he'd row

410 00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:27,836

  1. Then he'd drop both his oars

Take a few more encores and then he'd

411 00:23:27,900 --> 00:23:30,102 - # Row, row, row! - # Row, row, row!

412 00:23:30,166 --> 00:23:31,667

  1. Then around by the reeds

- Faster!

413 00:23:31,733 --> 00:23:33,434

  1. He'd do more daring deeds

and then he'd

414 00:23:33,500 --> 00:23:35,468 - # Row, row, row! - # Row, row, row!

415 00:23:35,533 --> 00:23:38,469

  1. Then he gave her a smile

as they sank in the Wile and then he'd

416 00:23:38,533 --> 00:23:41,035 - # Row, row, row... - _ Row, row, row...

417 00:23:41,099 --> 00:23:43,669 [commotion]

418 00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:52,668 Thank you!

419 00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:55,067 You all right?

420 00:23:56,299 --> 00:23:57,334 [applause]

421 00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:00,803 l think we just about finished whatever it was we started a while back.

422 00:24:00,866 --> 00:24:03,401 But before we go, Iet us have a warm thank you

423 00:24:03,466 --> 00:24:06,735 for our vey special guest star, Iadies and gentlemen, Elke Sommer

424 00:24:06,799 --> 00:24:08,201 Yay!

425 00:24:12,466 --> 00:24:15,035 Thank you vey much, Kermit. l had a wonderFul time.

426 00:24:15,099 --> 00:24:18,169 And l want to thank you and all of your friends vey much indeed.

427 00:24:18,233 --> 00:24:20,635 Good. It's been a little wild and crazy tonight.

428 00:24:20,700 --> 00:24:22,668 But now that things have calmed down...

429 00:24:22,733 --> 00:24:24,634 - [chainsaw buzzing] - [Kermit gasps]

430 00:24:24,700 --> 00:24:27,702 - Oh, my goodness! - [Beaker shrieking]

431 00:24:30,266 --> 00:24:32,735 - Uh, uh... - [Miss Piggy howls]

432 00:24:32,799 --> 00:24:34,801 Bye! Bye!

433 00:24:34,866 --> 00:24:36,734 [Beaker continues shrieking]

434 00:24:36,799 --> 00:24:38,801 [Sommer] Is he always like this?

435 00:24:38,866 --> 00:24:40,767 Uh, we'll see you next time on...

436 00:24:40,833 --> 00:24:43,502 On rhe Muppet Show, OK! Bye!

437 00:25:22,566 --> 00:25:24,634 ls he a bouncing baby boy?

438 00:25:24,700 --> 00:25:27,269 l don't know, but we're high enough up to find out.

439 00:25:27,333 --> 00:25:28,834 [both laugh]

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