Muppet Wiki

Episode 319: Elke Sommer/transcript

< Episode 319: Elke Sommer

31,325pages on
this wiki
Add New Page
Talk0 Share

Cold open

Theme

Opening number

Backstage

"Animal Crackers in My Soup"

Backstage

Pigs in Space

UK spot

Pigs in Space cont'd

Dressing room

Backstage

Muppet Sports

Backstage

"Row, Row, Row"

Goodnights

[knocking]

Elke Sommer, fifteen seconds

to curtain, Miss Sommer.

Uh, thank you, Scooter.

Listen, I hate to complain,

but... [clears throat]

...there's a man eating

my makeup table.

I'm terribly sorry.

Fred, you're supposed

to eat the wardrobe!

sorry.

Wardrobe, that makes more sense.

I guess.

[drum roll]

It's The Muppet Show with our very

special guest star, Elke Sommer.

Yay!

  1. It's time to play the music

It's time to light the light

  1. It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

  1. It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

  1. It's time to get things started
  1. Why don't you get things started?

[singing in baby talk]

  1. It's time to get things started
  1. On the most sensational, inspirational
  1. Celebrational, Muppetational
  1. This is what we call

The Muppet Show! #

Watch out for the balcony!

[crash]

[applause]

Hi, you all. Kermit the frog here,

and this is The Muppet Show.

And you have been warned.

We have a real treat tonight

because our very special guest star

is one of the world's most beautiful

and talented ladies,

Miss Elke Sommer.

But before we get to her, ladies and

gentlemen, Bobby Benson's Baby Band!

A one, a two, a one, two, three...

Yeah.

That's my babies. That's my babies.

[babbling]

ls that your kid?

Of course not. I'm just babysitting.

This is my grandson.

Well, there is a resemblance.

Yeah, but I won't be bald

and toothless forever.

[laughing]

OK, Muppet Labs onstage next,

Muppet Labs.

Mr. Kermit, where's Beaker?

Beaker, I'm sure I don't know.

Uh, oh, fiddle faddle. I shall have

to cancel Muppet Labs this week.

- [Beaker] Hmm?

- [Kermit] Huh?

And I was going to give Beaker the honor

of demonstrating this new diesel shaver.

[groans]

Well, it's a close shave

for Beaker either way.

Yeah. sorry to cancel

at such short notice.

Oh, that's OK.

Hate to go out there and lose face.

I'm sure Beaker felt the same way.

[Beaker] Uh-huh. [sighs]

[gasps]

Hey, this is a new one.

I'll plug it in and see if it's working.

- [electrical zapping]

- [Beaker screams]

- [zapping]

- [screaming]

It's working!

Uh, OK, owing to the unfortunate

cancellation of Muppet Labs...

- [zapping]

- [screaming]

...combined with the fact that the

furniture is taking over the show...

...uh, it's around this time

that I start to wonder why I do it.

There is a reason, of course.

Here it is.

We now turn over our stage to the

lovely and talented Miss Elke Sommer!

(# Animal Crackers In My SoupI

  1. Animal crackers in my soup
  1. Monkeys and rabbits loop the loop
  1. Gosh, oh gee, but I have fun
  1. Swallowing animals one bye one!
  1. In every bowl of soup I see
  1. Lions and tigers watching me
  1. I make them jump

right through a hoop...

Uh, hold, hold. Wait, wait. One second.

Listen, I'm sorry, Elke.

But you're a great singer

and a perFect perFormer and...

But, you see, this whole little girl

Look just isn't right for this show.

But why, Kermit? I mean,

it's such a cute little show.

With little piggies and little duckies

and not to even mention

little froggies. [giggles]

Yeah, but you see,

we try to appeal to adults.

I mean, we're very suave, sophisticated

duckies and piggies and froggies.

Oh, gee, yeah, well, gee,

I got the whole thing all wrong.

Do you think I could get

a chance to do it again?

Well, OK, yeah, sure, of course.

OK, curtain! Curtain!

[fanfare]

OK, well, I'm sorry

for that little hitch, folks.

But here she is now,

the wonderFul Miss Elke Sommer.

(# Animal Crackers In My SoupI

[sung seductively]

  1. Animal crackers in my soup
  1. Monkeys and rabbits loop the loop
  1. Gosh, oh gee, but I have fun
  1. Swallowing animals one bye one
  1. In every bowl of soup I see
  1. Lions and tigers watching me
  1. I make them jump

right through a hoop...

Yeah, yeah, uh, hold, uh, I'm sorry...

What is it now, Kermit?

Wasn't that sophisticated enough?

I gave it everything I had.

Uh, yeah, uh, yeah. Well, that's true.

But it just... it just, well,

it's not the way that... we would do it.

- I mean, you people?

- Mm-hmm.

- How would you people do it then?

- Would you like to do it our way?

Sure, I'd like to do it your way.

That's what I'm here for.

Oh, well, uh, brave girl.

OK, curtain! Curtain!

[fanfare]

OK, well... [clears throat]

...uh, ladies and gentlemen,

here to do her first number

for the third time...

...Elke Sommer!

(# Animal Crackers In My SoupI

[sang in an lively mood]

  1. In every bowl of soup I see
  1. Lions and tigers watching me
  1. I make them jump right through a hoop
  1. Those animal crackers in my soup
  1. When I get hold of the big bad wolf
  1. I push him underto drown
  1. Then I bite him in a million bits
  1. And I gobble him right down,

yeah

  1. When they're inside me

where it's dark

  1. I walk around like Noah's ark

I stuff my tummy, like a goop

  1. With animal crackers in
  1. My
  1. Soup #

You know, I don't think this show

is suitable for children.

I don't think this show

is suitable for anybody.

[all laughing]

OK, so listen, you mo are gonna build

a set for Elke's closing number, huh?

Oh, sure. What kind of number is it?

Uh, well... it's a spectacular

tribute to ancient Egypt

so the set really has to be impressive.

Oh, you've come to the right people.

You just tell me

and Beaker what you want.

[Beaker squeaks]

Uh, OK, well, I want a royal barge

and a sphinx

and don't forget the pyramids.

Oh, sure, pyramids.

But what shape do you want 'em?

- What shape?

- Mm-hmm.

We're up the Nile without a paddle.

But we've got a paddle! Look!

Iannouncer_nd now, Pigs In Space!

When we last left

the spaceship Swinetrek,

it was about to make a soft landing

on the planet Koozebane.

[Link] Ten... nine...

...eight... seven... six...

Five.

Five, I know.

Four... three... two…

...one... touchdown.

That should do it.

Nice work, Link.

Thank you, Strangepork.

What did you think, First Mate Piggy?

- [crash]

- [all groan]

[Strangepork and Link chuckle]

I think your landings are hard

and your brain is soft.

Well, no matter. Now comes the moment

the whole world has been waiting for.

Uh, what's that?

Well, to see the first pig

walk on the planet Koozebane.

Oh, oh, yeah.

The TV camera is on,

and when you step out there, Link,

you'll become

the most famous pig in histoy.

Um... Um...

Why don't I just step out and see

if it is safe for mon capitaine.

That's very thoughtFul of you,

First Mate Piggy.

[Piggy humming]

No, Link! She'll be the first pig on the

planet Koozebane and get all the gloy!

Oh! Oh! Oh! You're right!

Stop, First Mate Piggy!

[Link and Piggy scream]

Nice tackle, Link.

This is a iob for a captain pig.

[Piggy groans]

Wish me luck. Here I go.

[groaning]

Oh, no, it's stuck.

[Strangepork]

Maybe it opens in, Link.

No, it definitely opens out, I know.

[groaning]

Oh, brother.

I'm gonna have to...

I'm gonna have to back up

and get a running start

and break down this door.

- Uh, excuse me. Uh...

- Here I go. Back up. Watch out.

Moth brain, if it doesn't...

If it doesn't open in,

and if it doesn't open out,

- then obviously...

- Here I come!

...it must slide open. [groans]

Whoa!

[thud]

[announcer] So ends part one.

lf you can stand it,

stay tuned for part mo.

Don't.

[playing up-tempo music]

[singing in baby talk]

[bawling]

[baby bawls]

That's my babies.

[announcer] And now,

pa_ mo of Pigs In Space.

As you may recall, the spaceship

was landing on the planet Koozebane

and Link Hog Throb was taking

his giant leap for swinekind.

[screams]

[groans] Uh, greetings from Koozebane.

This is Captain Link Hog Throb,

the first pig to ever set foot

on this distant planet.

Uh, forget it.

Wait, I'm on television.

No, you're not, dear.

- Huh?

- The camera broke.

[sighs] Well,

might as well go home then.

No, no, no! We can't.

We must find out

if there is life on Koozebane.

What, you mean...

You mean like, uh...

You mean like little green monsters?

I don't know.

But we must find out.

Uh, well...

Yoo-hoo, anybody here?

Uh, no, let's go home.

Oh, oh, is my captain afraid?

What, me afraid? Why, of course not.

Yoo-hoo!

- [Link screams]

- [Piggy groans]

[gasping] What was that?

lt was me, Link.

Oh, I knew that.

- [Piggy groans]

- [thud]

Uh, you all right now, First Mate Piggy?

Oh, brother.

Well, there's no life on Koozebane.

My life detection

computer pack indicates

it's impossible

for any life to exist on this planet.

Good, let's go.

What a shame. It's such a pre_ planet.

George, wake up.

I think I hear prowlers.

Aw, Martha, go back to sleep.

The hills are alive.

  1. With the sound of music #

[all laughing]

Yeah, they're for you.

[speaks German]

[speaks Italian]

Mmm. They're lovely.

Say, how many languages do you speak?

Oh, about six.

[gasps] That's amazing.

No, not really. You have people in

your show who speak several languages.

- We do?

- Sure. How about the Swedish Chef?

Oh, yeah, how about him? [chuckles]

Doesn't he speak English and Swedish?

I don't think so.

You mean, then he's not bilingual?

I think the Swedish Chef is non-lingual.

However, there is another person in

your show who speaks another language.

That's Mademoiselle Piggy,

who speaks French not half bad.

Oh, well, look,

Let me tell you a secret.

Uh-huh. [whispering] What? What?

The only French she knows is what

she's read off a perFume label.

- You're kidding.

- Mm-mm.

- I didn't know that.

- It's true.

- I don't believe it.

- Yeah.

[clearing throat] Yoo-hoo!

Oh, hi, Miss Piggy.

We were just talking about you.

[chuckles] Moi?

Yeah, hey, look,

I'd like you to meet Elke Sommer.

Miss Piggy, Elke Sommer.

Enchantée, Elke.

Enchantée, Mademoiselle Piggy.

[speaks French]

Uh... [speaks French]

[continues to speak French]

Um...

Maybe this bottle of perFume will help.

- Oh. [chuckling]

- What? What?

Gonzo's being funny, you know.

He's got the silly notion

that the only French you know

comes from reading

perFume bottle labels.

- Yeah. [chuckling]

- Silly.

- [chuckling] Silly.

- Silly.

Silly Gonzo. [growling]

Hey, Miss Piggy,

here is something you will understand.

- Hmm?

- Lend me an ear.

[clears throat]

[snorting like a pig]

- Uh, excuse me...

- I'm not finished yet, no.

- [continues snorting]

- Uh-huh.

- Well, yes, l...

- You see?

[clears throat] I don't know

what you're talking about?

What do you mean? I was tying to speak

in your native tongue, Swine-ese.

[Gonzo chuckles]

Swine-ese?

Commonly known as chewing the fat.

[all laugh]

Chewing the fat!

Well, chew on this!

- Hi-ya!

- [thud]

- Hi-ya!

- [thud]

Miss Piggy?

- OK, Beaker, you hold the nail.

- [Miss Piggy shouting]

OK, hold the nail right there.

And I'll hit it with the hammer.

Hey, I ain't gonna hit you.

[Beaker squeaks]

Come on, put it there again.

OK.

Beaker, look, look, look.

- I'll take the nail.

- Uh.

- Put it there.

- Uh-huh.

You watch closely.

- [whack]

- [Beaker gasps]

[Beaker whimpers]

Can't you watch closely

from further away?

Sheesh. You can't be a master carpenter

if you lose your nerve.

OK, here we go.

[Beaker gasps]

[thud]

You can't be a master carpenter

if you lose your hammer.

[fanfare]

- And now, ladies and...

- [Fozzie] Kermit! Kermit!

Oh, why don't they make

these curtains with a door?

Kermit, Kazagger's ready.

We've got a fish. Go ahead.

- You got a fish?

- Don't ask, just introduce.

OK, ladies and gentlemen, Muppet Sports!

Hi out there in Sportsland.

This is Louis Kazagger, welcoming you

to the wild world of Muppet sports.

Tonight, the finals of the all-nations

goldfish shooting contest.

On my left, the contender.

Allow me to wish you luck, sir.

Luck? Hah! I don't need no luck.

He ain't gonna have a chance.

[gun blast]

Missed!

[fish spits]

OK, how's it going, Bo?

Oh, well, it's close.

We've just got to saw off the braces.

- Uh-huh. How you gonna do that?

- I sent Beaker to get the power saw.

ls that wise?

Oh, sure, he's OK.

He's dumber than you are.

He is not.

[chainsaw buzzing]

Oh, just so long

as he doesn't get carried away.

[Beaker shrieking]

Oh, no!

He's getting carried away!

[Beaker continues shrieking]

Hang on there, Beaker!

I'll go introduce the number,

you get the set finished.

Yes, OK, I'll paint the set.

I've just got... Oh!

[growling]

Where is the set?! Hey!

Uh... Uh, well, folks, it's time

for one final number

from tonight's wonderFul guest star.

Uh... Hey, could you hammer

more softly back there?

[Bo] No. Could you talk more loudly?

[groans]

Uh, well, anyway, here she is,

one of filmdom's great talents,

and great beauty's, I might add...

[Bo] Could you speak

more slowly out there?

No! Could you hammer more quickly?

Uh... Here she is,

the Cleopatra of movie stars,

Miss Elke Sommer!

I# Row, Row, RowI

  1. Row!
  1. Row!
  1. Row!
  1. Young Johnie Jones

he had a cute little boat

  1. Row!
  1. And all the girlies

he would take for a float

- # Row!

- # He had girlies on the shore

- # Row!

- # Sweet little peaches by the score

  1. But Johnie

was a wisenheimer you know

- # Row!

- # His steady girl was Flo

- # Row!

- # And every Sunday afternoon

- # Row!

- # He'd jump in his boat

  1. And they would spoon and then he'd

- # Row, row, row!

- # Row, row, row!

  1. Way up the river he would

- # Row, row, row!

- # Row, row, row!

  1. A hug he'd give her

Then he'd kiss her now and then

  1. She would tell him when
  1. He'd fool around and fool around
  1. And then they'd kiss again

and then he'd

- # Row, row, row!

- # Row, row, row!

  1. A little further he would

- # Row!

- # Oh, how he'd row

  1. Then he'd drop both his oars

Take a few more encores, and then he'd

- # Row, row, row!

- # Row, row, row!

  1. Row!
  1. Row!

- # Row!

- Faster!

  1. Row!

- # And then he'd row, row, row!

- Faster!

  1. Way up the river he would

- # Row, row, row!

- Faster!

  1. A hug he'd giver her

Then he'd kiss her now and then

  1. She would tell him when
  1. He'd fool around and fool around

And then they'd kiss again and then he'd

- # Row, row, row!

- # Row, row, row!

  1. A little further he would
  1. Row, oh how he'd row
  1. Then he'd drop both his oars

Take a few more encores and then he'd

- # Row, row, row!

- # Row, row, row!

  1. Then around by the reeds

- Faster!

  1. He'd do more daring deeds

and then he'd

- # Row, row, row!

- # Row, row, row!

  1. Then he gave her a smile

as they sank in the Wile and then he'd

- # Row, row, row...

- _ Row, row, row...

[commotion]

Thank you!

You all right?

[applause]

I think we just about finished

whatever it was we started a while back.

But before we go,

Let us have a warm thank you

for our very special guest star,

ladies and gentlemen, Elke Sommer

Yay!

Thank you very much, Kermit.

I had a wonderFul time.

And I want to thank you and all

of your friends very much indeed.

Good. It's been a little wild

and crazy tonight.

But now that things have calmed down...

- [chainsaw buzzing]

- [Kermit gasps]

- Oh, my goodness!

- [Beaker shrieking]

- Uh, uh...

- [Miss Piggy howls]

Bye! Bye!

[Beaker continues shrieking]

[Sommer] Is he always like this?

Uh, we'll see you next time on...

On The Muppet Show, OK! Bye!

Is he a bouncing baby boy?

I don't know, but we're high

enough up to find out.

[both laugh]

Ad blocker interference detected!


Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.