Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Elke Sommer? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Sommer.
Elke Uh, thank you, Scooter. Uh, listen, I hate to complain, but... ahem... there's a man eating my makeup table.
Screen Shot 2013-09-01 at 8.23.02 PM
Scooter I'm terribly sorry. Fred, you're supposed to eat the wardrobe!
Fred Sorry.
He starts to eat the wardrobe.
Elke (shrugs) Wardrobe, that makes more sense. I guess.

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Elke Sommer. Yaaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins. A baby joins Statler and Waldorf in their box, singing the theme.
Gonzo elke sommer opening
A jet plane flies out of Gonzo's horn.
Gonzo Watch out for the balcony! (a crash is heard)

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Hi-ho. Kermit the Frog here, and this is The Muppet Show, and you have been warned. (nods) Hey, we have a real treat tonight because our very special guest star is one of the world's most beautiful and talented ladies, Miss Elke Sommer. But before we get to her, ladies and gentlemen, Bobby Benson's Baby Band!
Bobby Benson A one, a two, a one, two, three...
Bobby Benson's Baby Band performs "Pennsylvania 6-5000". Applause.
Pennsylvania6-5000 5
Bobby Benson Yep. That's my babies. That's my babies.
The baby in the box sits on Statler's lap and babbles.
Waldorf Is that your kid?
Statler Of course not. I'm just babysitting. This is my grandson.
Waldorf Well, there is a resemblance.
Baby (JN) Yeah, but I won't be bald and toothless forever.
Waldorf (laughs)

Backstage

Kermit (through the intercom) Okay, Muppet Labs onstage next, Muppet Labs.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Mr. Kermit, where's Beaker?
Kermit Beaker. I'm sure I don't know.
Beaker turns up behind them, wearing a lampshade to be indiscreet.
Bunsen wondering beaker
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh, fiddle faddle. I shall have to cancel Muppet Labs this week.
Beaker perks up.
Kermit Huh?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew And I was going to give Beaker the honor of demonstrating this new diesel shaver.
He puts a heavy device on Kermit's desk.
Kermit Well, it's a close shave for Beaker either way.
A group of Whatnots with balloons make their way onstage behind them.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Yeah. Sorry to cancel at such short notice.
Kermit Oh, that's okay.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Hate to go out there and lose face. (carries the device away)
Kermit I'm sure Beaker felt the same way.
Beaker Uh-huh. Whew.
He hides himself when he sees Beauregard coming. Beau mistakes Beaker for a real lamp.
Beauregard Hey, this is a new one. I'll plug it in and see if it's working.
Beau plugs it in. Beaker yelps and runs away as his eyes light up.
Beauregard It's working!

"Animal Crackers in My Soup"

Kermit Uh, okay, owing to the unfortunate cancellation of Muppet Labs...
Beaker the lamp runs by, yelping.
Kermit …combined with the fact that the furniture is taking over the show... ahem, uh, it's around this time that I start to wonder why I do it. There is a reason, of course, and here it is. We now turn over our stage to the lovely and talented Miss Elke Sommer!
The curtain opens on Elke, dressed as Shirley Temple, on a pedestal surrounded by balloons. She curtsies and sings "Animal Crackers in My Soup".
Kermit Uh, hold, hold. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Uh, one second. Uh, listen, I'm sorry, Elke, uh, but um … uh, you're a great singer and a perfect performer and...
Elke Thank you.
Kermit But, you see, this … this whole "little girl" look just isn't right for this show.
Elke But why, Kermit? I mean, it's such a cute little show. With little piggies and little duckies and not to even mention little froggies. (giggles)
Kermit Yeah, but you see, we try to appeal to adults.
Elke Oh.
Kermit I mean, we're — we're very suave, sophisticated … duckies and piggies and froggies. Ahem.
Elke (flustered) Oh, gee, yeah, well — gee, I got the whole thing all wrong. Do you think I could get a chance to do it again?
Kermit Well, uh, okay, yeah, sure, sure, of course. Okay, curtain! Curtain!
She gets up on the pedestal. The curtain closes and a fanfare plays.
Kermit Okay, well, uh, I'm sorry for that little hitch, folks. But here she is now, the wonderful Miss Elke Sommer.
The curtain opens on Elke, dressed as Marlene Dietrich, against a different backdrop with marble dog statues. Five Whatnot backing singers accompany her as she sings slowly and seductively.
Kermit (interrupts) Yeah, yeah, uh, hold, uh, I'm sorry...
Elke2
Elke What is it now, Kermit? I mean, wasn't that sophisticated enough? I gave it everything I had.
Kermit (looks her over) Uh, yeah, ahem, uh, yeah. Well, that's true. But it just... it's just, well, it's not the way that, uh… ahem … we would do it.
Elke I mean, you people?
Kermit Mm-hmm.
Elke Well, how would you people do it then?
Kermit Oh. Well — would you like to do it our way?
Elke Sure, I'd like to do it your way. That's what I'm here for.
Kermit Oh, well, uh, brave girl. Okay, uh, curtain! Curtain!
She gets up on the pedestal. The curtain closes and a fanfare plays.
Kermit Okay, well... ahem. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, here to do her first number for the third time... ahem ... Elke Sommer!
Elke Sommer Bossmen
The curtain opens on Elke, her head on the body of a wiry Muppet, dancing between two Bossmen. She finishes the song. Applause.
Waldorf You know, I don't think this show is suitable for children.
Baby (JN) I don't think this show is suitable for anybody.
They all chuckle.

Backstage

The two Bossmen walk past Kermit as he talks to Beauregard and Beaker.
Kermit Okay, uh, so listen, uh, you two are gonna build a set for Elke's closing number, huh?
Beauregard Oh, sure. What kind of number is it?
Kermit Uh, well... it's a, it's a spectacular tribute to ancient Egypt, so the set really has to be impressive.
Beaker and Beauregard
Beauregard Oh, you've come to the right people. You just tell me and Beaker what you want.
Beaker Right.
Kermit Uh, okay, well, I, I want a, a royal barge and a sphinx, and uh, don't forget the pyramids.
Beauregard (pause) Oh, sure, pyramids.
Kermit Mm-hm.
Beauregard But what shape do you want 'em?
Kermit (ponders) What shape.
Beauregard Mm-hmm.
Kermit (to camera) We're up the Nile without a paddle. (goes onstage)
Beauregard But we've got a paddle! (holds it up) Look! (Beaker reacts in shock)

Pigs in Space

Announcer And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! When we last left the spaceship Swinetrek, it was about to make a soft landing on the planet Koozebane.
Link Hogthrob Ten... nine... eight... seven... six... (lingers)
Miss Piggy Five.
Link Hogthrob Five, I know. Four... three... two… one... touchdown. That should do it.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Nice work, Link.
Link Hogthrob Thank you, Strangepork. What'd you think, First Mate Piggy?
The ship crashes, startling them. Link sucks his thumb.
Miss Piggy I think your landings are hard and your brain is soft.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Well, no matter. Now comes the moment the whole world has been waiting for.
Link Hogthrob Uh, what's that?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Well, to see the first pig walk on the planet Koozebane.
Link Hogthrob Oh. Oh, yeah.
Dr. Julius Strangepork The TV camera is on, and when you step out there, Link, you'll become the most famous pig in history.
Miss Piggy Um... Um... Why don't I just uh, step out and see if it is safe for mon capitain?
Link Hogthrob Why, that's very thoughtful of you, First Mate Piggy.
She saunters to the door, humming.
Dr. Julius Strangepork No, Link, no! Then she'll be the first pig on the planet Koozebane and get all the glory!
Link Hogthrob Oh! Oh! Oh! You're right! Stop, First Mate Piggy! (tackles her)
Dr. Julius Strangepork Nice tackle, Link.
Pigs in Space Koozebane
Link Hogthrob This is a job for a captain pig.
Miss Piggy (scowls at Strangepork)
Link Hogthrob Wish me luck. Here I go. (strains to open the door) Oh, no, it's stuck.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Or maybe it opens in, Link.
Link Hogthrob No, it definitely opens out, I know. (pushes)
Miss Piggy Oh, brother.
Link Hogthrob I'm gonna have to get a — I'm gonna have to back up and get a running start and break down this door.
Miss Piggy Uh, excuse me. Uh...
Link Hogthrob (on his mark) Here I go. Back up. Watch out. Oop, wait a minute …
Miss Piggy (over Link) Moth brain, if it doesn't... If it doesn't open in, and if it doesn't open out, then obviously...
Link Hogthrob Here I come!
Miss Piggy … it must slide open.
She opens the door. Link runs through it, slipping on his way out.
Announcer So ends part one. If you can stand it, stay tuned for part two.
Miss Piggy (to camera) Don't.

UK spot

BBB 2
Bobby Benson's Baby Band performs "Tuxedo Junction".
Bobby Benson That's my babies.

Pigs in Space cont'd

Announcer And now, part two of Pigs In Space. As you may recall, the spaceship was landing on the planet Koozebane, and Link Hogthrob was taking his giant leap for swinekind.
After landing on the planet's surface, Link gets up and calls out.
Link Hogthrob Uh, greetings from Koozebane. Uh, this is captain Link Hogthrob, the first pig to ever set foot on this distant planet.
Miss Piggy Uh, forget it.
Link Hogthrob Wait, I'm on television.
Miss Piggy No, you're not, dear.
Link Hogthrob Huh?
Miss Piggy The camera broke.
Link Hogthrob Oh. Well, might as well go home then.
Miss Piggy No, no, no! We can't. We must find out if there is life on Koozebane.
Link Hogthrob Wha? (looks around) You mean... You mean like, uh... You mean like little green monsters?
Miss Piggy I don't know. But we must find out.
Link Hogthrob Uh, well uh… (soft voice) Yoo-hoo, anybody here? Uh, no, let's go home.
Miss Piggy Oh, oh, is my captain afraid?
Link Hogthrob What, me afraid? Why, of course not.
Dr. Julius Strangepork (pops up behind a crater) Yoo-hoo!
Link screams and jumps into Piggy's arms, shivering.
Koozebane Pigs
Link Hogthrob What was that?
Dr. Julius Strangepork It was me, Link.
Link Hogthrob Oh. I knew that.
Piggy puts him down.
Link Hogthrob Uh, you all right now, First Mate Piggy?
Miss Piggy Oh, brother.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Well, there's no life on Koozebane. My life detection computer pack indicates it's impossible for any life to exist on this planet.
Link Hogthrob Good, let's go.
Miss Piggy What a shame. It's such a pretty planet.
They go back to the ship. Zoom out to reveal some talking rocks.
Rock (KM) George, wake up. I think I hear prowlers.
Rock (DG) Aw, Martha, go back to sleep.
They yawn as the closing sting plays.
Waldorf The hills are alive.
Statler (with baby) With the sound of music…
They all laugh.

Dressing room

Gonzo gives Elke some flowers.
Gonzo Yeah, they're for you.
Elke Aww. (thanks him in German and Italian) Mmm. They're lovely.
Gonzo Say, how many languages do you speak?
Elke Oh, about uh, six.
Gonzo (gasps) That's amazing.
Elke No, not really. You have people in your show who speak several languages.
Gonzo We do?
Elke Sure. How about the Swedish Chef?
Gonzo Oh, yeah, how about him? (chuckles)
Elke Well, doesn't he speak English and Swedish?
Gonzo I don't think so.
Elke You mean, then he's not bilingual?
Gonzo I think the Swedish Chef is non-lingual.
They laugh.
Elke However, you know something? There is another person in your show who speaks another language. That's Mademoiselle Piggy, who speaks French not half bad.
Gonzo Oh, well, look, let me tell you a secret.
Elke Uh-huh. What? What?
Gonzo The only French she knows is what she's read off a perfume label.
Elke You're kidding.
Gonzo (shakes head) Mm-mm.
Elke I didn't know that.
Gonzo Yeah. It's true.
Elke I don't believe it.
Gonzo Oh yeah.
Miss Piggy Ahem! Yoo-hoo!
Gonzo Oh, hi, Miss Piggy. We were just talking about you.
Miss Piggy Oh, heh — moi? Aww!
Gonzo Yeah, hey, look, I'd like you to meet Elke Sommer. Miss Piggy, Elke Sommer.
Miss Piggy Oh. Enchantée, Elke.
Elke Enchantée, Mademoiselle Piggy. Vous parlez Français, eh? C'est formidable.
Miss Piggy Oh. Uh … mais oui.
Elke (continues to speak French)
Miss Piggy Um...
Gonzo Uh, maybe this bottle of perfume will help.
Elke (chuckles)
Miss Piggy What? What?
Elke Gonzo's being funny, you know. He got the silly notion that you — the only French you know comes from reading perfume bottle labels. Silly.
Gonzo Yeah. (chuckling) Silly.
Miss Piggy (chuckling) Silly. Silly Gonzo. (growls at him)
Elke Hey, Miss Piggy, here is something you will understand.
Miss Piggy Hmm?
Elke Lend me your ear.
She snorts like a pig. Piggy is perplexed.
Miss Piggy Uh, excuse me...
Elke I'm not finished yet, no. (continues snorting)
Miss Piggy Uh-huh. … Well, yes, I mean…
Elke (to Gonzo) You see?
Miss Piggy Um, ahem — I don't know what you're talking about.
Languages Elke Sommer
Elke What do you mean? I was tying to speak in your native tongue, Swine-ese.
Gonzo (chuckles)
Miss Piggy Swine-ese?
Elke Commonly known as chewing the fat.
She and Gonzo laugh. Piggy joins them.
Miss Piggy "Chewing the fat!" (laughs) You wanna chew this! Hi-YAH! Hi-YAH!
She karate-chops Elke in the back, and kicks Gonzo away. Elke watches as she storms out.
Elke Miss Piggy — ?

Backstage

Piggy slams the door. Meanwhile, Beaker and Beauregard tinker away at the set.
Beauregard Okay, Beaker, you hold the nail.
Piggy swats at the balloons.
Beauregard Okay, hold the nail right there. And I'll hit it with the hammer.
Beaker pulls the nail away as Beauregard strikes.
Beauregard Hey, I ain't gonna hit you.
Beaker (keeps)
Beauregard Come on, put it there again. Okay.
Beaker pulls the nail away again.
Beauregard Beaker, look, look. Lookit. I'll take the nail… put it there … you watch closely.
Beauregard and beaker nails
Beauregard takes the nail and raises the hammer, hitting Beaker by accident.
Beauregard Can't you watch closely from further away?
Beaker walks away and hides behind part of the set.
Beauregard Sheesh. You can't be a master carpenter if you lose your nerve. … Okay, here we go.
Beauregard raises the hammer, accidentally throwing it and hitting Beaker again. Beaker faints.
Beauregard You can't be a master carpenter if you lose your hammer.

Muppet Sports

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen…
Fozzie (fumbles with curtains) Kermit! Kermit! Oh, why don't they make these curtains with a door? Kermit, Kazagger's ready. We've got a fish. Go ahead.
Kermit You got a fish?
Fozzie Don't ask, just introduce.
Kermit Okay, ladies and gentlemen, Muppet Sports!
The opening montage plays.
Louis Kazagger Hi out there in Sportsland. This is Louis Kazagger, welcoming you to the wild world of Muppet sports. Tonight, the finals of the all-nations goldfish shooting contest. On my left, the contender.
The contender stands by a fishbowl with a goldfish in it.
Louis Kazagger Allow me to wish you luck, sir.
Muppet Sports- Gold Fish Shooting
Contender Luck? Hah! I don't need no luck. He ain't gonna have a chance.
He aims his rifle at the goldfish, shoots, and misses.
Louis Kazagger Missed!
The fish spits in the contender's face. The contender stews as the closing music plays.

Backstage

The scenery is carried onstage.
Kermit Okay, how's it going, Beau?
Beauregard Oh, well, it's close. We've just got to saw off the braces.
Kermit Uh-huh. How you gonna do that?
Beauregard Oh, well, I sent Beaker to get the power saw.
Kermit Is that wise?
Beauregard Oh, sure, he's okay.
Kermit He's dumber than you are.
Beauregard (offended) He is not. (sigh)
They hear a chainsaw.
Beauregard Oh, just so long as he doesn't get carried away.
The force of the chainsaw carries Beaker in multiple directions.
Kermit Oh, no! He's getting carried away!
Beaker Powersaw
Beauregard Hang on there, Beaker!
Kermit Uh, listen — I'll go introduce the number, you get the set finished.
Beauregard Yes, okay, I'll paint the set. I've just got... Oh!
The set is carried away from him as he looks for his paintbrush. Animal passes by him, ready for the number.
Animal Row! Row! Row!
Beauregard Where is the set?! Hey!

"Row, Row, Row"

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Uh... Uh, well, folks, it's time for one final number from tonight's wonderful guest star. (he hears them hammering) Uh... Hey, could you hammer more softly back there?
Beauregard No. Could you talk more loudly?
Kermit (grimaces) Uh, well, uh, anyway, here she is, one of filmdom's great talents, and great beauties, I might add...
Beauregard Could you speak more slowly out there?
Kermit No! Could you hammer more quickly? Uh... Here she is, the Cleopatra of movie stars, Miss Elke Sommer!
Elkecleopatra
Elke, as Cleopatra, sings "Row, Row, Row." Eight Whatnots row the boat and two others fan her, as Animal drums. Beauregard continues building the set during the song.
Animal Faster! … Faster! … Faster!
The song increases tempo. The sphinx joins the song.
Animal Faster!
The song increases tempo until the boat sinks and commotion ensues. Beauregard tosses Elke a life preserver; she blows kisses to the audience.
Elke Thank you!

Goodnights

Kermit Okay, well, I think we've just about finished whatever it was we started a while back. But before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Elke Sommer! Yaaaaay!
Applause. Elke takes a bow.
Elke Thank you very much, Kermit. I had a wonderful time and I want to thank you and all of your friends very much indeed.
Kermit Good. It's been a little wild and crazy tonight. But uh, now that things have calmed down, uh …
Beakie
They run away from Beaker and the chainsaw. Two Whatnots follow them.
Elke Oh, my goodness!
Piggy comes onstage, confused, then runs away from the chainsaw.
Kermit Uh, uh...
Miss Piggy (screams)
Elke Bye! Bye! … Is he always like this?
The chase resumes in the other direction.
Kermit Uh, we'll see you next time on...
Elke … on The Muppet Show, okay! Bye!
They run away. The credits roll.
Waldorf Is he a bouncing baby boy?
Statler I don't know, but we're high enough up to find out.
They chuckle. The baby smacks Statler with his rattle.
Atv zoot