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Episode 318: Leslie Uggams/transcript

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Cold open

Theme

Opening number

Backstage

Muppet Labs

Backstage

"Here You Come Again"

UK spot

Bear on Patrol

Backstage

Vendawish

"Gonzo's Song"

Backstage

"Love Will Keep Us Together"

Goodnights

[knocking]

Leslie Uggams?

Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Uggams.

Thank you, Scooter.

Um, it is true that Big Bird from Sesame

Street is on the show tonight, right?

Well, that's right, Leslie.

Well, would you tell him that his

younger brother is in my dressing room?

[clucking laughter]

[drum roll]

It's The Muppet Show

with our very special guest stars,

Leslie Uggams and Big Bird

from Sesame Street. Yay!

[applause and cheers]

[Muppet theme plays]

  1. It's time to play the music
  1. It's time to light the lights
  1. It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

  1. It's time to put on makeup
  1. It's time to dress up right
  1. It's time to get things started
  1. Why don't you get things started

[clucking in tune]

  1. Its time to get things started
  1. On the most sensational,

Inspirational

  1. Celebrational,

Muppetational

  1. This is what we call

The Muppet Show #

- [duck call]

- [quacking]

[applause]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And welcome again to The Muppet Show.

And we've got some show

for you tonight.

Because our special guest is

the lovely singer, dancer and actress,

Miss Leslie Uggams.

And also, making a special

appearance tonight

is a friend of mine from Sesame Street,

Big Bird and...

Oh, hey, Kermit. Now? Huh, now?

Uh, not yet, Big Bird. You come on

a little later in the show.

Oh, OK. I'll just wait back here then.

- Yeah, yeah. Just watch out for the...

- [crashing, glass shatters]

...oveThead lights.

Uh, anyhow, now ladies and gentlemen,

our very special guest,

Miss Leslie Uggams!

- [applause]

- [clamoring]

_# Hey There Good Timesh

  1. Hey there, good times

here I am

  1. Welcome back your baby lamb
  1. Open wide them golden doors
  1. And set my chair down next to yours
  1. I've been freezin', sneezin'
  1. Out there where the bad times blow
  1. Please don't stop to scold me
  1. Let your lovin' arms enfold me
  1. Hey there, good times

take my hand

  1. Give my music to the band
  1. Dust o_ that old welcome mat
  1. And show me where to hang my hat
  1. I've been lost for all these years
  1. Cryin' buckets full of tears
  1. Though I'm used

and bruised and muddy

  1. Clap my back and call me buddy

[monsters] # Bye bye bad times

  1. Pack your gear
  1. I've had bad times
  1. Up to here
  1. Hey there glad times
  1. Please appear
  1. Show me that I'm not forgotten
  1. Oil me down and spoil me rotten

[monsters] # So long bum days

  1. Gotta split

[all] # Gloomy glum days

  1. Go on, get

[monsters] # Sugarplum days

  1. Shake my mitt

[all] # Shout hurray and hallelujah

  1. Happy days I'm comin' to ya
  1. So long bum days
  1. Gotta split
  1. Gloomy glum days
  1. Go on, get
  1. Sugarplum days
  1. Shake my mitt
  1. Shout hooray and hallelujah
  1. Baby's back and runnin' to ya
  1. Bye bye bad times
  1. So long sad times
  1. Hey there good times
  1. Here I am #

Well, that number shows

what a great actress Leslie Uggams is.

Actress? She wasn't acting,

she was singing.

Yes, but she looked

like she enjoyed it.

That's acting.

- OK, nice number.

- Ow! Ow!

- Oh, very good, Leslie.

- Thank you.

- OK, who stepped on your toe?

- What?

Who stepped on your toe?

Well, I did!

Kermit, if you need me,

I'll be in Camilla's dressing room.

Oh, Camilla. Camilla the chicken?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm so nervous.

Tonight's our first formal date

and I'm almost sick with fear.

Well, I imagine she feels much the same.

Oh, you think so?

Oh, boy. Suppose I get so excited

that I faint?

Gonzo, I don't know.

l suppose she'll have to give you

mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

She'll have to what?!

Or in your case,

mouth-to-beak resuscitation.

[Gonzo shouts]

- [thud]

- Gonzo, are you OK?

Of course, I was just

rehearsing my faint.

l hope Camilla's been

rehearsing hers.

[clucking a tune]

- [knocking]

- [Gonzo clucking]

[clucking]

[Gonzo] It's me.

[clucking]

[laughs]

Camilla, my apricot,

these are for you.

[sneezing]

[crashing]

[stammers] Oh, oh, gosh.

l think the room is spinning.

l may faint.

[shouts]

[thud]

- How was that?

- [sneezing]

- [preparing to sneeze]

- [stammering] Camilla?

Camilla? Camilla, aren't you

going to kiss me?

[crashing]

Oh, great. Just my luck.

A chicken with hay fever.

- [Camilla panting]

- Well, look now, Camilla,

Camilla, why don't I take you out

for some fresh air?

OK? That will make it all better.

[panting]

[relieved sigh]

[clears throat] Dr. Bunsen Honeydew

here at Muppet Labs

where the future is being made today.

Well, jeepers, you're about to witness

the world's first demonstration

of fireproof paper.

Here is my assistant Beaker,

carying a lighted blomorch.

He will now show you

how impossible it is

to ignite the fireproof paper

in this basket.

[screams]

[Bunsen] There is no way

this paper can burn.

With Muppets' fireproof paper,

you will always feel secure.

Tune in next time, and witness Muppet

Labs new answer to the energy crisis,

- flammable water.

- [screams]

That's all for now, from Muppet Labs.

- [Bunsen] Oh, dear.

- [Beaker screams]

What do you suppose they call that?

A novelty act?

l don't know, but it wasn't too bad.

Well, that's a novelty.

[Piggy sighs] # La la

Holy maracas!

Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.

Huh. No kiddin'?

- I'm a friend of Kermit's.

- Oh.

Yeah, we both come from the same

neighborhood, Sesame Street.

Oh, isn't that that cute little

children's show with puppets?

Uh-huh. Well, who are you?

Who am l?

l am Miss Piggy.

Oh. Well, do you work around here?

Uh, listen, yellow thing,

uh, do you see this star here?

Oh, yes. It's very pre_.

And, uh, do you know why it is there?

- Well, uh...

- Hmm? Hmm?

PerFect attendance?

[clears throat] I am the singing star

of this show.

A singing pig?!

[laughs] That's very funny.

Kiss your feathers goodbye, Bird.

Hi-yah...

- [screams]

- [thud]

Oh! You do acrobatics, too.

She's very versatile.

Oh, Leslie, it's really a pleasure

to have you on the show with us.

Well, thank you, Lew.

And it's a thrill for me to work with

a boomerang-fish thrower.

Well, I should think so.

Listen, Lew, what does it take to become

a great boomerang-fish thrower?

Well, you gotta have sole.

And if you can't get sole,

use halibut.

l should have guessed.

But in that case,

l use a catcher's mitt.

Why? No, no, don't tell me.

Let me guess.

Uh, just for the halibut?

See, you're catching on.

Listen, how did you acquire this talent?

Was it an accident?

No, it was on porpoise.

l give him the straight lines

and he gives me the fish lines.

Yeah.

You know, I started this act

using kippers.

My brother and I did the act together,

but we split up.

- Why?

- [both] Am I my brother's kipper?

l gotta quit this

and sing my song.

Oh, great idea.

I'll accompany you on this.

Well, Lew, I was kind of

expecting violins.

- Well, what the heck?

- Yeah.

_# Here You Come Again

  1. Here you come again
  1. Lookin' bemer than a body

has a right to

  1. And shakin' me up so

that all I really know

  1. Is here you come again
  1. And here I go

- Two at once.

- All right.

- [whistling]

- Fascinating. I love this.

Whoo! Fun, fun, fun!

Like this.

  1. All you gotta do

is smile that smile

  1. And there go all my defenses
  1. Just leave it up to you

and in a little while

  1. You're messin' up my mind
  1. And fillin' up my senses
  1. Here you come again

- Oh, this is fabulous.

- Swordfish this time.

  1. Lookin' bemer than a body

has a right to

  1. And shakin' me up so

that all I really know

  1. Is here you come again
  1. And here I go

[shouts] # _nd here I go #

[Leslie] Ahh!

Ma!

[applause]

That reminds me. This show has

always reminded me of a sardine.

Why?

lt's a little fishy.

[laughing]

[both gasp]

(# Mad About The Fr_I

  1. Mad about the fr_
  1. I know it's stupid

to be mad about the frog

  1. I'm so ashamed of it
  1. But must admit the sleepless nights
  1. I've had about the frog
  1. On the silver screen
  1. He melts my foolish heart

in every little scene

  1. Although I'm quite aware

that here and there

  1. Are traces of the cad

about the frog

  1. Lord knows I'm not a fool girl
  1. I really shouldn't care
  1. Lord knows I'm not a schoolgirl
  1. In the flury of her first a_air
  1. Will it ever cloy?
  1. This odd diversity of misey and joy
  1. I'm feeling quite insane

and young again

  1. And all because

I'm mad about the fr_

  1. Will it ever cloy
  1. This odd diversity of misey and joy
  1. I'm feeling quite insane

and young again

  1. And all because
  1. I'm mad about the fr_ #

[announcer] And now, ear On PatroI.

[Fozzie] All right, come on!

- You just come with me, you... you...

- [grunting]

Sir, Sergeant,

l have just picked up...

ln a minute, Patrol Bear.

l have to finish this report.

Oh, drat, I made a mistake. Now,

I'll have to start all over again.

But sir, can't that report wait?

No, this is a very serious charge.

- What is it?

- Littering.

Sir, this also is a very serious charge.

Oh, yeah? What's the charge?

lmpersonating an officer.

Can you prove it?

Of course I can prove it, Sergeant.

Go ahead, do your stuff.

OK, impersonating an officer.

- [drum roll]

- [clears throat]

Ahh. Of course I can prove it, Sergeant.

Go ahead, do your stuff. Ahh.

- Hey, that's not bad.

- Thank you.

Yep, now look, Sergeant,

this is a very dangerous criminal.

He should be locked up.

l think he should be locked up.

Here are the keys.

I'll finish up the report.

I'm going to lock him up.

Yep, I should've known better than

to ty to fool with you, Patrol Bear.

Yeah, you're darn tootin'!

- After you.

- Thank you.

Listen, tell me what kind

of food you like and I'll...

[clears throat]

Uh, see you later, Sarge.

[Sergeant] Right.

Sergeant, wait a minute!

He locked me in!

Not bad. You sound more like him

all the time. Now ty to do me.

Oh! Sergeant,

you don't understand! He got away!

No, that's not me.

You still sound like that dumb bear

that brought you in here.

Ty it again. I have a deep,

authoritative voice.

Sergeant, will you just

turn around, please?!

Better, but keep tying.

You need more macho.

Tell me, Gonzo, what is it about Camilla

that first attracted you to her?

Are you kidding? Evemhing.

She's beautiful, wi_,

charming, delightFul company,

a good cook and she's very talented.

Really? What does she do?

Camilla!

[flamenco music]

Arriba!

Cha cha cha!

- Oh, wow!

- Yeah.

Well, I would've thought

that was impossible!

What, to get a chicken to dance?

No, to find tap shoes for claws.

Hello, I am Vend-A-Wish.

Deposit a coin and I will answer

any wish you may have.

[bleeping]

[coin dropping]

Thank you. Wow, please state

your wish and I will grant it.

Oh, I wish I was taller.

- Taller.

- Yeah.

[electronic noises]

[groaning]

Next.

Camilla, I have written a song for you.

Sinatra or Mick Jagger

will probably wanna record it.

But I want you to hear it from me first.

[cooing]

[strumming guitar]

  1. You alone

You are my one and only chicken

  1. Steady

[clucking along to music]

  1. And if you leave

l will alone and lonely sicken

  1. Ready

[clucking]

  1. You and l
  1. We're a team and that's a fact

[Camilla clucking]

  1. You and I
  1. What a terrific idea for an act

Oh, listen to the rhymes in the chorus.

It's very Cole Porter-y.

  1. Camilla
  1. You're sweeter than wine

or vanilla, Camilla

[cooing]

  1. Come lie beneath this tree

It's a willa

  1. Camilla

[clucking]

  1. Camilla
  1. The night it grows stilla and stilla
  1. Camilla
  1. You're prettier by far than Godzilla
  1. Camilla #

Who are you?

Huh? Me?

Wow! PerFection incarnate!

Wow! Statuesque,

and yet still poulty in every sense.

[moaning]

You have that one thing

lacking in chickens.

[sighs] Bulk.

I'm so confused.

You are so huge!

Well, I have no idea

what you're talking about, sir.

I was just looking for Miss Uggams.

And you found me.

Lady luck has smiled and showered us

- with that certain thing...

- [clucks]

Flower pot.

[scoffs]

Oh, please, Dr. Honeydew, I can't

go through life with this long neck.

Never fear, at Muppet Labs

we have done extensive research

on shortening long necks.

- Then you can help?

- Of course.

This is our latest therapy technique.

[gasps]

[sighs]

Don't thank me.

It's all in a day's work.

[Kermit gasps]

Please, Dr. Honeydew,

don't leave a mess backstage.

lf you're through playing with him,

put him away!

[fanfare]

And now, once again,

here is our very special guest,

who will be joined

by a very tall feathered friend

who just wandered in off the street,

uh, Sesame Street, to be precise.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Big Bird and Leslie Uggams.

_# Love Will Keep Us Together

- _ Stop

- [birds] # Stop

  1. 'Cause I really love you

- # Stop

- # Stop

  1. I've been thinking of you
  1. Look in my heart and let love
  1. Keep us together
  1. Love
  1. Love will keep us together
  1. Think of me babe whenever
  1. Some sweet talking bird comes along
  1. Singing his song
  1. Don't mess around

We just got to be strong

- # Just stop

- # Stop

  1. 'Cause I really love you

- # Stfip

- # Stop

  1. I'll be thinking of you
  1. Look in my heart and let love
  1. Keep us together

- # Whatever

- [smash]

  1. You
  1. You belong to me now
  1. Ain't gonna set you free now
  1. When those birds start hanging around
  1. Talking me down
  1. Hear with your heart

and you won't hear a sound

- # Just stop

- # Stop

  1. 'Cause I really love you

- # Stfip

- # Stop

  1. I'll be thinking of you
  1. Look in my heart and let love
  1. Keep us together
  1. Whatever
  1. Together #

Well, I think we've just about

come down to the end of another one,

but before we go,

Iet us have a warm thank you

for our very special guest star,

the lovely Leslie Uggams!

Yay!

Thank you, Kermit.

Chicky baby, you've gotta forgive me.

I'll never talk

to another chicken again.

- [clucking]

- Oh, hi, Camilla.

[screams] Camilla?!

Gonzo, you're quite a shocker. I thought

that Camilla was your one true love.

Oh, yeah, uh, well,

chickens all look the same to me.

[Camilla clucks]

[Gonzo gasping]

Girls, please. Well, I'd like to thank

a really different looking chicken,

Big Bird from Sesame Street.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

And we'll see you next time

on The Muppet Show!

[chickens squawking]

Have we ever said

that this show is for the birds?

Yes, and we'll keep saying it

until it gets a laugh.

[all laugh]

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