Cold open

Theme

Opening number

Backstage

Editorial

Backstage

Bagpipes

Muppet newsflash

UK spot

Backstage

"America"

Backstage

“The Intergalactic Brotherhood Of Man, Including Things”

Backstage

"It's a Small World"

Goodnights


- [knock on door]

- [man] Come in, knock-knock.

- Spike Milligan?

- Yes.

Thirty seconds to curtain.

It's thirty seconds to the curtain,

it's five and eleven to the floor.

I'll take the curtain.

Say, what's that you're wearing?

My family crest.

- What's that?

- A coat of arms.

[drum roll]

It's The Muppet Show with our very

special guest star, Mr. Spike Milligan.

Yay!

[# Muppet Show theme]

  1. It's time to play the music

It's time to light the light

  1. It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

  1. It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

  1. It's time to get things started
  1. Why don't you get things started

How much to get things started?

  1. It's time to get things started
  1. On the most sensational, inspirational
  1. Celebrational, Muppetational
  1. This is what we call

The Muppet Show #

[squeaking]

Hi, there and thank you

and welcome again to rhe Muppet Show.

Tonight our very special guest

is one of England's wildest comedians,

Mr. Spike Milligan.

We wanted Spike on the show

because tonight we're presenting

an international extravaganza.

We just learned that rhe Muppet Show is

being shown in different countries.

Uh-oh. Better get out

your old army uniform.

Yes, with angy countries,

there's bound to be trouble.

[laughing]

We're going to have on our show people

from every one of those countries.

And we're gonna start things off with

a tribute to the Land of the Rising Sun.

[gong]

[Japanese traditional music]

(# OklahomaI

  1. Oklahoma
  1. Where the wind comes

sweeping down the plain

Am I in the right show?

  1. Oklahoma
  1. Every night my honey lamb and I
  1. Sit alone and talk
  1. And watch the hawk
  1. Making lazy...

Iisten, guys,

I think there's a mistake here.

  1. We know we belong to the land
  1. And the land we belong to is grand
  1. And when we say

Ahh!

- # Yipai-ay

- Whoa-ho!

  1. We're only saying

you're doing fine

- # Oklahoma

- OK!

  1. Oklahoma, Oklahoma,

Oklahoma, Oklahoma

  1. Yokohama, Yokohama,

Yokohama, Yokohama

Ha-so! Yah!

Ooh! Yah!

Hey!

Huh! Oh!

Whoa!

  1. We know we belong to the land
  1. And the land we belong to is grand
  1. And when we say

- Ho!

- # Aye-yip-aye-yip-aye-a

  1. We're only saying

you're doing fine, Oklahoma

  1. Oklahoma
  1. Y-O-K-O-H-A-M-A #

[Fozzie shouting]

[gong sounding]

[gong sounding]

Where is the Land of the Rising Sun?

I don't know.

I never get up that early.

OK, to my guests.

Lovely, lovely number.

- Good.

- Kermit, Oklahoma's a dangerous song.

Yes, right.

Way to go, samurai.

To your dressing room. Whoo!

- What's on the schedule next?

- Well...

Well, there seems to be

a hole in the schedule now.

Boy, this salute to all the nations

you're planning must really be a biggie.

Too big, maybe. I thought you were

in charge of organizing these people.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Scotsmen, Venezuelans,

dressing room mo.

Arabs and Eskimos, dressing room three.

Move it, boys.

Wait a second.

What are the Australians up to?

We're up to this spot.

What are you Yanks down to?

Come on, move it.

Move it, move it.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Sam the American eagle.

My subject tonight

is our friends, the British.

I have therefore asked

a proper English gentleman

to talk to us.

[clears throat]

Please.

Good, good.

Good.

How do you do, sir?

[unintelligible Cockney]

Queen Elizabeth the second.

What?

[speaking Cockney]

No!

No, no, no, no.

Please, sir, you are not speaking

the queen's English.

Why should l?

She never speaks any of mine.

There goes the knighthood.

Is it too late

to get Laurence Olivier?

You fool of an eagle!

What? What?

What say you?

Silence when you speak to me.

Listen, he talks the same as I do.

- No.

- Yes!

He only talks proper

when he's on the stage.

Where's that pencil?

To be or not to be,

that is the question.

See, he talks like that so that you

people in the colonies can understand.

What?

Sir, may we please change the subject?

May we, hmm?

[speaking French]

French!

Uh... uh...

Let us talk about

the quaint English custom of teatime.

My lord, tea is served.

[slurping]

Where did that come from?

It comes from Hong Kong.

Sir, sir, sir!

I thought to drink tea properly,

the English extend the pinky.

Of course, the pinky, the greeny,

the browny, the bluey and the reddy.

Ready, go!

Stop, stop, stop!

Stop, stop, sir, sir!

Leave. Leave the stage.

- Leave the stage?

- Yes.

You didn't think I was gonna

take it away with me?

Sir, you are a disgrace to England.

Let me tell you this, eagle creep.

England is not finished yet.

It's finished now.

[screaming]

Shockproof.

Seriously, folks, I love England,

especially in this close-up.

Then show it.

- Show it?

- Yes.

[singing patriotic song]

Curtain, curtain!

Terrific.

It's about time

we had some sophistication on this show.

OK, ladies and gentlemen,

that was Mr. Spike Milligan.

Yeah!

I hope I haven't offended

any of my people.

You didn't offend me.

I thought it was very funny.

Here's your part.

America, I love you! I love you.

Will you get off? Get off! Get off!

Terrific.

Nah, that's not clever.

Anyone can drop their pants.

[zipper]

I didn't know you were Lithuanian.

That man is a sicko.

OK, what's next? Music of Scotland,

Music of Scotland on stage, please.

Hi, lad. Right here, ready to go.

What are those?

They're my bongos.

[laughs]

We'll have a wee bit

of primitive island rhythms.

A bonny Glasgow samba.

Will you go and get your bagpipes!

Cliche-ridden traditionalist.

- I got trouble up here, boss.

- What?

The Eskimos and the Arabs

are sharing a dressing room.

- [Kermit] So?

- The Arabs want it hotter

and the Eskimos want

the air conditioning.

Listen, I have an introduction to make.

Ty to get them to compromise.

Oh, they have compromised.

The Eskimos turned on

the air conditioner

and the Arabs set it on fire.

Come on, boys, get out of there.

Bring up the water hoses.

Use the fire extinguisher.

Oh, uh... and now, ladies and gentlemen,

continuing with our

international review,

here is some music of Scotland

played by...

I hope you don't put that fire out

too soon, laddie.

Why?

The heat feels good

when you're wearing kilts.

I don't think I want to hear about this.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the music of Scotland.

[plays bagpipes]

[stops playing]

[pipes play themselves]

[gunshot]

[music stops]

Good evening and welcome

to Muppet News International.

Yes, you're welcome to it.

Simultaneous translation,

bringing you news and views

across the language barrier.

- Hello.

- Are you gonna tell them what I said?

No, your secret is safe with me.

All right, here is the news.

Things look grim...

...in the outback...

...as rebel forces continue

to fight amongst themselves.

- First one side seems to be winning...

- Yes, yes!

- ...then the other side gets on top.

- Then the other, yes!

Casualties have been very heavy.

And strong ties between the two factions

have been permanently cut.

Eyebrows were raised today

at the auction rooms

where a priceless antique vase

came under the hammer.

Rumors of a cover up

affected prices on the stock market

where woolens were hit badly...

[sheep bleating]

...eventually plunging

to an all-time low.

[screaming]

The search continues

for a missing man

said by police to be dangerous

and more than a little screvy.

- [whistles]

- The man was known

as the inventor of the pop-up toaster.

- Next we have...

- Fall fashions!

[screaming]

[crashing]

A newsman was attacked today

by a mad English comic.

Really? We must find him.

[# Dog Wal_]

  1. When I take my dog for a walk

he takes me for a run

  1. Dragging me along the street

is his idea offun

  1. From lamppost to lamppost

we jog along the street

  1. From tree to tree to fire hydrant

Look out, lady, watch yourfeet

  1. Me and my dog have arrived

We're both out ofcontrol

  1. So, look out, anybody

who's out to take a stroll

[dog panting]

  1. Me and my dog have a date

It is a rendezvous

  1. With a _le who is French

and her mistress on this afternoon

  1. Then uptown we go

for a meeting there with Klaus

  1. He's a German shepherd

He's the watchdog of the house

  1. We better move right along

We've dozens more to meet

  1. Where's the place to meet dogs?

Why, out here on the street

[licking]

  1. By Jove, look who's there, jolly g_

It's a man with a bowler hat

  1. Walking with his English bulldog

Let's stop for a chat

- Good evening.

- Good evening.

- # G_ evening, how are you?

- # Wot well, thank you very much

- Goodbye. Too-da-loo.

- Goodbye.

  1. Stop that now, don't lick that baby

His mother will object

  1. I know you didn't mean it,

but please show some respect

[barking]

  1. Why, goodness gracious me,

it is an Irish setter

  1. Come on dogs, no fighting now

Ah, that's much better

  1. Look out for your leash

Oh, bother, it's all knotted

  1. Wow here's a Dalmatian

My goodness, look at how he's spotted

  1. Better keep your fingers crossed

in case he brings bad luck

  1. Cross the road with care now

Don't get run down by a truck

[panting and barking]

[licking]

  1. Hey, leave that rag alone

Hey, leave that garbage can

  1. Hey, stop that pulling now

I'm not a Superman

  1. Home's only five lampposts away
  1. Oh, drat, there's a cat

And look, she's coming ourway

  1. Wow he's seen her that will mean that

things are getting busy

  1. Stop it, I feel dizzy

Heel! Heel! Heel!

Oh, please, heel. Heel!

- [barking]

- Heel!

Heel!

Oh, oh.

Oh, hey, Scoots.

Yeah, the band's all ready

for the big American jazz number.

Where's the little green honcho?

He's tying to keep things organized

in the dressing room.

- It's just a mess around here today.

- Oh, yeah?

- Lack of international understanding?

- Oh, I'll say.

Nobody on the show tonight

can understand anybody else.

Oh, yeah?

How do you explain that?

[speaking mock Swedish]

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

[all] No!

Yeah.

[mock Swedish]

Linoleum.

[loud laughter]

Oh, man, l'm going on stage.

It's too weird around here for me.

Now, me and the band here

are hip to the international tone

that our froggy foreman

is tying to lay on tonight's show.

But that's no reason for not including

a little of the domestic product.

Mow, rom West Side Story, America.

[up-tempo music]

(# Mexican Hat DanceI

[playing Russian music]

[playing Hawaiian melody]

(# Hava NagilaI

[playing Hawaiian melody]

[playing Polka]

[song ends]

What a moldy fig session that was.

For sure, man.

That one's in there.

Go get 'em, Animal.

Sic 'em, sic 'em!

[both laughing]

Have you met my Uncle Kermit?

Oh, hi, Uncle Kermit.

Have you met Luis Greco,

the Morse Code flamenco dancer?

[tap dancing]

Oh. He says it's an honor

just to meet you

and have a chance to say hi.

The [unintelligible]

has ruined the soufflé.

Oh, I think your stomping

ruined the soufflé.

[mock Swedish]

[speaking Spanish]

Oh! Ooh!

- What did they say?

- Bad news, Uncle Kermit.

Spain and Sweden have just declared war.

[screaming in Spanish

and mock Swedish]

[crashing]

As if things weren't getting

out of hand enough,

it's now my irresponsible pleasure

to introduce our very special

guest star, Mr. Spike Milligan

doing a piece

that he has asked me to describe

as being called, The Intergalactic

Brotherhood of Man, Including Things.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Spike Milligan!

Still here?

Sucker for punishment, eh?

Now, a good evening.

Now, an appalling evening.

[thunder rumbling]

Now comedy weather.

- [clucking]

- With a surprise ending.

Now, who came first?

- Answer!

- Hey!

[Lew Zealand] Can we have

our chicken back? Please, mister.

But enough about me

and my troubles.

That was the voice of Lew Zealand.

Ha, very good evening.

They already know that, you nana!

Mr. Zealand would only agree

to reading the part

Can we have our chicken back?

Please, mister?

on condition

that he would then be allowed

to come onstage and show his face

to the people

that they would remember him

and care about...

- ...care about his career.

- [laughing]

- Yeah. And my boomerang fish act.

- What? What?

Yeah. Lew Zealand

and his boomerang fish act.

Every night is Friday night.

Hee hee.

Boomerang fish?

Yeah, see, I throw the fish

away from me.

Ice. It all comes back to me now.

What?

- Thank you and good night.

- They already know it's a good night.

- Hey, comedy.

- Comedy? Comedy on this show?

Right again, it is comedy.

Now get out!

In the happy relaxed atmosphere of

international friendship which exists,

despite the presence of many foreigners,

we can easily overlook

those alien beings

Lost in the wastes of the universe.

Reach out for those forms of life.

Reach out and try and ca...

[screaming]

What was that?

- That was very strange.

- That was very weird.

- Peculiar.

- Kind of amusing.

- It was rather funny.

- Incredibly funny.

- I loved it.

- Hilarious.

- More! Encore! Encore!

- We like that strange man.

Come on, I loved you, Turk.

You're a good...

Kermit, Kermit,

I just think it's wonderFul

that you have organized

this parade of nations finale.

Well, it seemed like sort of

a nice thing to do.

Nice, Kermit? It's humanitarian...

...to have the citizens of the world

on our little stage.

All races and colors,

hand in hand in brotherhood.

Uh-huh.

- Stand by for the parade of nations.

- [chattering]

Ladies and gentlemen,

the parade of nations!

Stand by for the parade of nations!

- [screaming]

- [chattering continues]

All right, knock it off!

[chattering stops]

It's the brotherhood bit!

Thank you, Miss Piggy.

I'll go introduce it.

Uh, well, as a fitting climax to

tonight's international edition

o The Muppet Show,

here is a parade of the nations

featuring our guest star,

Mr. Spike Milligan,

and dedicated to one of our

very favorite countries, Disneyland.

Ladies and gentlemen,

It's a Small World.

  1. It's a world of laughter,

a world of tears

  1. It's a world of hope

and a world of fears

  1. There's so much that we share

that it's time we're aware

  1. It's a small world after all
  1. It's a small world after all
  1. It's a small world after all
  1. It's a small world after all
  1. It's a small, small world
  1. It's a world of laughter,

a world of tears

  1. It's a world of hope

and a world offears

  1. There's so much that we share

that it's time we're aware

  1. It's a small world after all

- # It's a small world after all

- Hi!

- # It's a small world after all

- You are making a mockey of this.

What do you mean?

Get your dim hand off my kimono.

- Get out.

- Get out? What do you mean?

Out, out, out, out, out out!

  1. It's a small world after all

- # It's a small world after all

- [screaming]

  1. It's a small world after all
  1. It's a small, small world
  1. It's a small world after all
  1. It's a small world after all

- # It's a small world after all

- All right, get off, off!

  1. It's a small, small world
  1. It's a small world after all
  1. It's a small world after all
  1. It's a small world after all
  1. It's a small, small world
  1. It's a small world after all
  1. It's a small world after all
  1. It's a small world after all
  1. It's a small, small world

Hey!

Small world after all.

[imitates Scot]

A small world after all.

[imitates cowboy singing]

[with English accent]

It's a small, small world.

Oh! Oh!

  1. It's a small world after all
  1. It's a small world after all
  1. It's a small world after all
  1. It's a small, small world

[singing continues]

I think we've come down

to the end of another show.

Although some people refuse to admit it.

I hope you've enjoyed our tribute

to practically everybody.

Iet's welcome back our fantastic

guest star, the amazing Spike Milligan.

Me. Me not go.

Me like it here.

Me not say goodbye.

Me say, Hello, sailor.

Anyhow, we'll see you next time

on The Muppet Show!

  1. It's a small world after all

- # It's a small world after all

- Spike?

  1. It's a small, small world

Shut up!

Will you guys cut that out?

[singing continues]

[Spike grumbling]

[Spike] Shut up!

  1. And it's time we're aware

- # It's a small world after all

- Shut up!

  1. It's a small world after all

[Kermit]

Can we kill the music?

Can we stop this?

Stop the music!

- Stop the music!

- Will you guys cut it out!

- [Kermit] You guys cut that out.

- # It's a small world after all

  1. It's a small, small world

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