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Episode 317: Spike Milligan/transcript

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1 00:00:08,333 --> 00:00:10,835 - [knock on door] - [man] Come in, knock-knock.

2 00:00:10,900 --> 00:00:12,201 - Spike Milligan? - Yes.

3 00:00:12,266 --> 00:00:13,834 Thim seconds to curtain.

4 00:00:13,900 --> 00:00:15,635 lt's 30 seconds to the curtain,

5 00:00:15,699 --> 00:00:17,568 it's five and 1 1 to the floor.

6 00:00:17,633 --> 00:00:19,334 l'll take the curtain.

7 00:00:19,399 --> 00:00:21,268 Say, what's that you're wearing?

8 00:00:21,333 --> 00:00:22,734 My family crest.

9 00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:24,535 - What's that? - A coat of arms.

10 00:00:26,533 --> 00:00:27,834 [drum roll]

11 00:00:27,899 --> 00:00:32,704 lt's The Muppet Show with our vey special guest star, Mr. Spike Milligan.

12 00:00:32,766 --> 00:00:34,033 Yay!

13 00:00:38,500 --> 00:00:42,270 [# Muppet Show theme]

14 00:00:47,399 --> 00:00:51,170

  1. It's time to play the music

It's time to light the light

15 00:00:51,233 --> 00:00:54,436

  1. It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

16 00:00:55,399 --> 00:00:59,504

  1. It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

17 00:00:59,566 --> 00:01:01,501

  1. It's time to get things started

18 00:01:01,566 --> 00:01:03,801

  1. Why don't you get things started

19 00:01:04,733 --> 00:01:06,534 How much to get things started?

20 00:01:08,033 --> 00:01:09,934

  1. It's time to get things started

21 00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:12,202

  1. On the most sensational, inspirational

22 00:01:12,266 --> 00:01:14,468

  1. Celebrational, Muppetational

23 00:01:14,533 --> 00:01:19,638

  1. This is what we call

The Muppet Show #

24 00:01:21,666 --> 00:01:23,768 [squeaking]

25 00:01:26,833 --> 00:01:30,369 Hi, there and thank you and welcome again to rhe Muppet Show.

26 00:01:30,433 --> 00:01:34,270 Tonight our vey special guest is one of England's wildest comedians,

27 00:01:34,333 --> 00:01:36,301 Mr. Spike Milligan.

28 00:01:36,366 --> 00:01:37,734 We wanted Spike on the show

29 00:01:37,799 --> 00:01:41,403 because tonight we're presenting an international extravaganza.

30 00:01:41,466 --> 00:01:45,770 We just learned that rhe Muppet Show is being shown in 1 08 different countries.

31 00:01:45,833 --> 00:01:48,435 Uh-oh. Better get out your old army uniform.

32 00:01:48,500 --> 00:01:52,103 Yes, with 1 08 angy countries, there's bound to be trouble.

33 00:01:52,166 --> 00:01:53,267 [laughing]

34 00:01:54,099 --> 00:01:58,237 We're going to have on our show people from evey one of those 1 08 countries.

35 00:01:58,299 --> 00:02:02,637 And we're gonna start things off with a tribute to the Land of the Rising Sun.

36 00:02:02,700 --> 00:02:04,468 [gong]

37 00:02:05,133 --> 00:02:07,201 [Japanese traditional music]

38 00:02:10,266 --> 00:02:11,967 (# OklahomaI

39 00:02:12,033 --> 00:02:15,302

  1. Oklahoma

40 00:02:15,366 --> 00:02:18,602

  1. Where the wind comes

sweeping down the plain

41 00:02:25,199 --> 00:02:26,634 Am l in the right show?

42 00:02:26,699 --> 00:02:29,702

  1. Oklahoma

43 00:02:29,766 --> 00:02:33,202

  1. Evey night my honey lamb and l

44 00:02:33,266 --> 00:02:35,368

  1. Sit alone and talk

45 00:02:35,433 --> 00:02:37,067

  1. And watch the hawk

46 00:02:37,133 --> 00:02:38,567

  1. Making lazy...

47 00:02:38,633 --> 00:02:40,968 Listen, guys, l think there's a mistake here.

48 00:02:41,033 --> 00:02:44,269

  1. We know we belong to the land

49 00:02:44,333 --> 00:02:47,569

  1. And the land we belong to is grand

50 00:02:47,633 --> 00:02:50,168

  1. And when we say

51 00:02:50,233 --> 00:02:51,534 Ahh!

52 00:02:51,599 --> 00:02:54,269 - # Yipai-ay - Whoa-ho!

53 00:02:54,333 --> 00:02:57,002

  1. We're only saying

you're doing fine

54 00:02:58,766 --> 00:03:01,401 - # Oklahoma - OK!

55 00:03:01,466 --> 00:03:04,268

  1. Oklahoma, Oklahoma,

Oklahoma, Oklahoma

56 00:03:04,333 --> 00:03:08,036

  1. Yokohama, Yokohama,

Yokohama, Yokohama

57 00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:16,103 Ha-so! Yah!

58 00:03:16,166 --> 00:03:17,534 Ooh! Yah!

59 00:03:19,933 --> 00:03:21,000 Hey!

60 00:03:21,066 --> 00:03:22,500 Huh! Oh!

61 00:03:31,966 --> 00:03:33,734 Whoa!

62 00:03:36,366 --> 00:03:39,869

  1. We know we belong to the land

63 00:03:39,933 --> 00:03:43,303

  1. And the land we belong to is grand

64 00:03:43,366 --> 00:03:46,135

  1. And when we say

65 00:03:46,199 --> 00:03:49,636 - Ho! - # Aye-yip-aye-yip-aye-a

66 00:03:49,699 --> 00:03:54,004

  1. We're only saying

you're doing fine, Oklahoma

67 00:03:54,066 --> 00:03:55,434

  1. Oklahoma

68 00:03:55,500 --> 00:03:59,203

  1. Y-O-K-O-H-A-M-A #

69 00:03:59,266 --> 00:04:02,669 [Fozzie shouting]

70 00:04:03,266 --> 00:04:04,433 [gong sounding]

71 00:04:05,599 --> 00:04:07,134 [gong sounding]

72 00:04:10,900 --> 00:04:12,901 Where is the Land of the Rising Sun?

73 00:04:12,966 --> 00:04:15,101 l don't know. l never get up that early.

74 00:04:16,566 --> 00:04:19,068 OK, to my guests.

75 00:04:19,133 --> 00:04:21,235 Lovely, lovely number.

76 00:04:21,300 --> 00:04:24,302 - Good. - Kermit, Oklahoma's a dangerous song.

77 00:04:24,366 --> 00:04:26,067 Yes, right.

78 00:04:26,133 --> 00:04:29,135 Way to go, samurai. To your dressing room. Whoo!

79 00:04:29,199 --> 00:04:31,535 - What's on the schedule next? - Well...

80 00:04:32,933 --> 00:04:35,568 Well, there seems to be a hole in the schedule now.

81 00:04:35,633 --> 00:04:39,803 Boy, this salute to all the nations you're planning must really be a biggie.

82 00:04:39,866 --> 00:04:44,003 Too big, maybe. l thought you were in charge of organizing these people.

83 00:04:44,066 --> 00:04:45,267 Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

84 00:04:45,333 --> 00:04:48,335 Scotsmen, Venezuelans, dressing room mo.

85 00:04:48,399 --> 00:04:51,703 Arabs and Eskimos, dressing room three. Move it, boys.

86 00:04:51,766 --> 00:04:54,535 Wait a second. What are the Australians up to?

87 00:04:56,533 --> 00:05:00,503 We're up to this spot. What are you Yanks down to?

88 00:05:02,899 --> 00:05:04,801 Come on, move it. Move it, move it.

89 00:05:06,333 --> 00:05:10,437 Ladies and gentlemen, Sam the American eagle.

90 00:05:15,233 --> 00:05:19,670 My subject tonight is our friends, the British.

91 00:05:19,733 --> 00:05:23,403 l have therefore asked a proper English gentleman

92 00:05:23,466 --> 00:05:25,267 to talk to us. [clears throat]

93 00:05:25,333 --> 00:05:26,967 Please.

94 00:05:28,033 --> 00:05:29,234 Good, good.

95 00:05:30,399 --> 00:05:31,501 Good.

96 00:05:31,566 --> 00:05:33,000 How do you do, sir?

97 00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:35,168 [unintelligible Cockney]

98 00:05:39,199 --> 00:05:40,768 Queen Elizabeth the second.

99 00:05:43,166 --> 00:05:44,267 What?

100 00:05:44,333 --> 00:05:46,535 [speaking Cockney]

101 00:05:47,366 --> 00:05:48,767 No!

102 00:05:49,333 --> 00:05:50,701 No, no, no, no.

103 00:05:50,766 --> 00:05:54,169 Please, sir, you are not speaking the queen's English.

104 00:05:54,233 --> 00:05:56,468 Why should l? She never speaks any of mine.

105 00:05:56,533 --> 00:05:58,001 There goes the knighthood.

106 00:05:58,066 --> 00:06:00,535 ls it too late to get Laurence Olivier?

107 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:02,501 You fool of an eagle!

108 00:06:02,566 --> 00:06:04,200 What? What?

109 00:06:04,266 --> 00:06:05,567 What say you?

110 00:06:05,633 --> 00:06:08,969 Silence when you speak to me. Listen, he talks the same as l do.

111 00:06:09,033 --> 00:06:10,200 - No. - Yes!

112 00:06:10,266 --> 00:06:13,402 He only talks proper when he's on the stage.

113 00:06:13,466 --> 00:06:14,633 Where's that pencil?

114 00:06:14,699 --> 00:06:16,968 To be or not to be,

115 00:06:17,033 --> 00:06:18,934 that is the question.

116 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:22,937 See, he talks like that so that you people in the colonies can understand.

117 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:24,134 What?

118 00:06:24,199 --> 00:06:27,336 Sir, may we please change the subject? May we, hmm?

119 00:06:27,399 --> 00:06:29,135 [speaking French] French!

120 00:06:29,199 --> 00:06:30,568 Uh... uh...

121 00:06:30,633 --> 00:06:34,636 Let us talk about the quaint English custom of teatime.

122 00:06:34,699 --> 00:06:38,170 My lord, tea is served.

123 00:06:38,233 --> 00:06:39,500 [slurping]

124 00:06:41,033 --> 00:06:42,434 Where did that come from?

125 00:06:42,500 --> 00:06:44,168 lt comes from Hong Kong.

126 00:06:47,466 --> 00:06:49,034 Sir, sir, sir!

127 00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:51,469 l thought to drink tea properly,

128 00:06:51,533 --> 00:06:53,601 the English extend the pinky.

129 00:06:53,666 --> 00:06:57,336 Of course, the pinky, the greeny, the browny, the bluey and the reddy.

130 00:06:57,399 --> 00:06:59,268 Ready, go!

131 00:07:01,166 --> 00:07:02,767 Stop, stop, stop!

132 00:07:02,833 --> 00:07:05,035 Stop, stop, sir, sir!

133 00:07:05,100 --> 00:07:07,135 Leave. Leave the stage.

134 00:07:07,199 --> 00:07:08,935 - Leave the stage? - Yes.

135 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,602 You didn't think l was gonna take it away with me?

136 00:07:11,666 --> 00:07:14,635 Sir, you are a disgrace to England.

137 00:07:14,699 --> 00:07:17,469 Let me tell you this, eagle creep.

138 00:07:17,533 --> 00:07:21,303 England is not finished yet. It's finished now.

139 00:07:22,633 --> 00:07:24,301 [screaming]

140 00:07:24,366 --> 00:07:25,834 Shockproof.

141 00:07:26,500 --> 00:07:30,303 Seriously, folks, l love England, especially in this close-up.

142 00:07:30,366 --> 00:07:32,134 Then show it.

143 00:07:32,199 --> 00:07:33,901 - Show it? - Yes.

144 00:07:34,699 --> 00:07:37,436 [singing patriotic song]

145 00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:39,702 Curtain, curtain!

146 00:07:41,533 --> 00:07:42,734 Terrific.

147 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:46,069 lt's about time we had some sophistication on this show.

148 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:50,736 OK, ladies and gentlemen, that was Mr. Spike Milligan.

149 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:52,234 Yeah!

150 00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:54,635 l hope l haven't offended any of my people.

151 00:07:54,699 --> 00:07:57,302 You didn't offend me. l thought it was vey funny.

152 00:07:57,366 --> 00:07:58,934 Here's your part.

153 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:00,901 America, l love you! l love you.

154 00:08:00,966 --> 00:08:02,600 Will you get off? Get off! Get off!

155 00:08:02,666 --> 00:08:04,167 Terrific.

156 00:08:04,233 --> 00:08:05,968 Nah, that's not clever.

157 00:08:06,033 --> 00:08:07,801 Anyone can drop their pants.

158 00:08:07,866 --> 00:08:10,034 [zipper]

159 00:08:10,100 --> 00:08:12,168 l didn't know you were Lithuanian.

160 00:08:14,899 --> 00:08:17,102 That man is a sicko.

161 00:08:18,033 --> 00:08:21,803 OK, what's next? Music of Scotland, Music of Scotland on stage, please.

162 00:08:21,866 --> 00:08:24,001 Hi, lad. Right here, ready to go.

163 00:08:24,066 --> 00:08:25,200 What are those?

164 00:08:25,266 --> 00:08:26,867 They're my bongos. [laughs]

165 00:08:26,933 --> 00:08:29,635 We'll have a wee bit of primitive island rhythms.

166 00:08:29,699 --> 00:08:32,069 A bonny Glasgow samba.

167 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:34,535 Will you go and get your bagpipes!

168 00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:37,436 Cliche-ridden traditionalist.

169 00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:40,335 - l got trouble up here, boss. - What?

170 00:08:40,399 --> 00:08:43,035 The Eskimos and the Arabs are sharing a dressing room.

171 00:08:43,100 --> 00:08:45,435 - [Kermit] So? - The Arabs want it hotter

172 00:08:45,500 --> 00:08:47,635 and the Eskimos want the air conditioning.

173 00:08:47,700 --> 00:08:51,537 Listen, l have an introduction to make. Ty to get them to compromise.

174 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:53,668 Oh, they have compromised.

175 00:08:53,733 --> 00:08:56,102 The Eskimos turned on the air conditioner

176 00:08:56,166 --> 00:08:57,734 and the Arabs set it on fire.

177 00:08:59,500 --> 00:09:01,835 Come on, boys, get out of there.

178 00:09:01,899 --> 00:09:03,568 Bring up the water hoses.

179 00:09:04,333 --> 00:09:06,034 Use the fire extinguisher.

180 00:09:06,633 --> 00:09:09,068 Oh, uh... and now, ladies and gentlemen,

181 00:09:09,133 --> 00:09:11,735 continuing with our international review,

182 00:09:11,799 --> 00:09:14,235 here is some music of Scotland played by...

183 00:09:14,299 --> 00:09:17,603 l hope you don't put that fire out too soon, laddie.

184 00:09:17,666 --> 00:09:18,767 Why?

185 00:09:18,833 --> 00:09:21,468 The heat feels good when you're wearing kilts.

186 00:09:23,266 --> 00:09:25,334 l don't think l want to hear about this.

187 00:09:25,399 --> 00:09:28,336 Ladies and gentlemen, the music of Scotland.

188 00:09:30,666 --> 00:09:32,901 [plays bagpipes]

189 00:09:53,033 --> 00:09:54,701 [stops playing]

190 00:10:02,266 --> 00:10:05,836 [pipes play themselves]

191 00:10:07,500 --> 00:10:09,001 [gunshot]

192 00:10:09,066 --> 00:10:10,467 [music stops]

193 00:10:14,166 --> 00:10:17,569 Good evening and welcome to Muppet News International.

194 00:10:17,633 --> 00:10:19,568 Yes, you're welcome to it.

195 00:10:19,633 --> 00:10:21,201 Simultaneous translation,

196 00:10:21,266 --> 00:10:24,469 bringing you news and views across the language barrier.

197 00:10:26,233 --> 00:10:28,535 - Hello. - Are you gonna tell them what l said?

198 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:30,335 No, your secret is safe with me.

199 00:10:31,966 --> 00:10:33,734 All right, here is the news.

200 00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:36,002 Things look grim...

201 00:10:36,899 --> 00:10:38,534 ...in the outback...

202 00:10:39,833 --> 00:10:43,203 ...as rebel forces continue to fight amongst themselves.

203 00:10:48,733 --> 00:10:51,602 - First one side seems to be winning... - Yes, yes!

204 00:10:51,666 --> 00:10:54,935 - ...then the other side gets on top. - Then the other, yes!

205 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,635 Casualties have been vey heavy.

206 00:10:59,566 --> 00:11:02,669 And strong ties bemeen the mo factions

207 00:11:03,700 --> 00:11:05,368 have been permanently cut.

208 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:11,137 Eyebrows were raised today at the auction rooms

209 00:11:12,799 --> 00:11:16,703 where a priceless antique vase came under the hammer.

210 00:11:18,399 --> 00:11:20,468 Rumors of a cover up

211 00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:25,971 affected prices on the stock market

212 00:11:26,033 --> 00:11:28,268 where woolens were hit badly...

213 00:11:29,233 --> 00:11:30,667 [sheep bleating]

214 00:11:30,733 --> 00:11:33,168 ...eventually plunging to an all-time low.

215 00:11:33,233 --> 00:11:34,634 [screaming]

216 00:11:35,500 --> 00:11:37,735 The search continues for a missing man

217 00:11:37,799 --> 00:11:41,703 said by police to be dangerous and more than a little screvy.

218 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,301 - [whistles] - The man was known

219 00:11:45,366 --> 00:11:48,102 as the inventor of the pop-up toaster.

220 00:11:50,733 --> 00:11:53,135 - Next we have... - Fall fashions!

221 00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:54,534 [screaming]

222 00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:55,934 [crashing]

223 00:11:58,733 --> 00:12:02,803 A newsman was attacked today by a mad English comic.

224 00:12:02,866 --> 00:12:04,467 Really? We must find him.

225 00:12:12,466 --> 00:12:14,401 [# Dog Wal_]

226 00:12:14,466 --> 00:12:17,302

  1. When l take my dog for a walk

he takes me for a run

227 00:12:17,366 --> 00:12:20,001

  1. Dragging me along the street

is his idea offun

228 00:12:20,066 --> 00:12:22,768

  1. From lamppost to lamppost

we jog along the street

229 00:12:22,833 --> 00:12:26,036

  1. From tree to tree to fire hydrant

Look out, lady, watch yourfeet

230 00:12:26,100 --> 00:12:28,635

  1. Me and my dog have arrived

We're both out ofcontrol

231 00:12:28,700 --> 00:12:31,469

  1. So, look out, anybody

who's out to take a stroll

232 00:12:31,533 --> 00:12:33,167 [dog panting]

233 00:12:35,233 --> 00:12:37,668

  1. Me and my dog have a date

It is a rendezvous

234 00:12:37,733 --> 00:12:40,769

  1. With a _le who is French

and her mistress on this aRernoon

235 00:12:40,833 --> 00:12:43,635

  1. Then uptown we go

for a meeting there with Klaus

236 00:12:43,700 --> 00:12:46,335

  1. He's a German shepherd

He's the watchdog of the house

237 00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:49,102

  1. We better move right along

We've dozens more to meet

238 00:12:49,166 --> 00:12:52,402

  1. Where's the place to meet dogs?

Why, out here on the street

239 00:12:52,466 --> 00:12:53,700 [licking]

240 00:12:56,700 --> 00:12:59,836

  1. By Jove, look who's there, jolly g_

It's a man with a bowler hat

241 00:12:59,899 --> 00:13:02,602

  1. Walking with his English bulldog

Let's stop for a chat

242 00:13:02,666 --> 00:13:04,200 - Good evening. - Good evening.

243 00:13:04,266 --> 00:13:06,768 - # G_ evening, how are you? - # Wot well, thank you vey much

244 00:13:06,833 --> 00:13:08,534 - Goodbye. Too-da-loo. - Goodbye.

245 00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:11,469

  1. Stop that now, don't lick that baby

His mother will object

246 00:13:11,533 --> 00:13:14,369

  1. l know you didn't mean it,

but please show some respect

247 00:13:17,366 --> 00:13:18,600 [barking]

248 00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:21,969

  1. Why, goodness gracious me,

it is an Irish semer

249 00:13:22,033 --> 00:13:24,769

  1. Come on dogs, no fighting now

Ah, that's much better

250 00:13:24,833 --> 00:13:27,435

  1. Look out for your leash

Oh, bother, it's all knotted

251 00:13:27,500 --> 00:13:30,469

  1. Wow here's a Dalmatian

My goodness, look at how he's spotted

252 00:13:30,533 --> 00:13:33,469

  1. Better keep your fingers crossed

in case he brings bad luck

253 00:13:33,533 --> 00:13:36,402

  1. Cross the road with care now

Don't get run down by a truck

254 00:13:36,466 --> 00:13:38,601 [panting and barking]

255 00:13:39,766 --> 00:13:40,933 [licking]

256 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,902

  1. Hey, leave that rag alone

Hey, leave that garbage can

257 00:13:43,966 --> 00:13:46,735

  1. Hey, stop that pulling now

l'm not a Superman

258 00:13:46,799 --> 00:13:49,836

  1. Home's only five lampposts away

259 00:13:49,899 --> 00:13:52,769

  1. Oh, drat, there's a cat

And look, she's coming ourway

260 00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:55,802

  1. Wow he's seen her that will mean that

things are getting busy

261 00:13:55,866 --> 00:13:58,535

  1. Stop it, l feel dizzy

Heel! Heel! Heel!

262 00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:01,002 Oh, please, heel. Heel!

263 00:14:01,066 --> 00:14:02,901 - [barking] - Heel!

264 00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:05,368 Heel!

265 00:14:10,799 --> 00:14:12,468 Oh, oh.

266 00:14:13,633 --> 00:14:14,800 Oh, hey, Scoots.

267 00:14:14,866 --> 00:14:18,636 Yeah, the band's all ready for the big American jazz number.

268 00:14:18,700 --> 00:14:20,835 Where's the little green honcho?

269 00:14:20,899 --> 00:14:23,969 He's tying to keep things organized in the dressing room.

270 00:14:24,033 --> 00:14:26,702 - It's just a mess around here today. - Oh, yeah?

271 00:14:26,766 --> 00:14:29,902 - Lack of international understanding? - Oh, l'll say.

272 00:14:29,966 --> 00:14:32,968 Nobody on the show tonight can understand anybody else.

273 00:14:33,033 --> 00:14:36,136 Oh, yeah? How do you explain that?

274 00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:39,436 [speaking mock Swedish]

275 00:14:40,333 --> 00:14:41,701 - Yeah? - Yeah.

276 00:14:45,633 --> 00:14:46,700 [all] No!

277 00:14:49,399 --> 00:14:50,501 Yeah.

278 00:14:50,566 --> 00:14:52,000 [mock Swedish]

279 00:14:52,066 --> 00:14:53,233 Linoleum.

280 00:14:53,299 --> 00:14:55,068 [loud laughter]

281 00:14:57,233 --> 00:14:59,768 Oh, man, l'm going on stage.

282 00:14:59,833 --> 00:15:02,135 lt's too weird around here for me.

283 00:15:08,933 --> 00:15:12,636 Now, me and the band here are hip to the international tone

284 00:15:12,700 --> 00:15:16,136 that our froggy foreman is tying to lay on tonight's show.

285 00:15:17,299 --> 00:15:21,837 But that's no reason for not including a little of the domestic product.

286 00:15:22,533 --> 00:15:25,569 Mow, 5rom West Side Stoy, America.

287 00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:28,769 [up-tempo music]

288 00:15:50,299 --> 00:15:53,970 (# Mexican Hat DanceI

289 00:15:57,666 --> 00:16:00,668 [playing Russian music]

290 00:16:04,366 --> 00:16:06,835 [playing Hawaiian melody]

291 00:16:11,266 --> 00:16:14,369 (# Hava WagilaI

292 00:16:20,833 --> 00:16:23,502 [playing Hawaiian melody]

293 00:16:27,266 --> 00:16:31,670 [playing Polka]

294 00:16:50,399 --> 00:16:51,768 [song ends]

295 00:16:55,299 --> 00:16:58,069 What a moldy fig session that was.

296 00:16:58,133 --> 00:16:59,567 For sure, man.

297 00:16:59,633 --> 00:17:02,002 That one's in there. Go get 'em, Animal.

298 00:17:02,066 --> 00:17:03,600 Sic 'em, sic 'em!

299 00:17:03,666 --> 00:17:05,134 [both laughing]

300 00:17:06,099 --> 00:17:07,968 Have you met my Uncle Kermit?

301 00:17:08,033 --> 00:17:09,601 Oh, hi, Uncle Kermit.

302 00:17:09,666 --> 00:17:13,603 Have you met Luis Greco, the Morse Code flamenco dancer?

303 00:17:13,666 --> 00:17:15,701 [tap dancing]

304 00:17:17,266 --> 00:17:20,569 Oh. He says it's an honor just to meet you

305 00:17:20,633 --> 00:17:22,835 and have a chance to say hi.

306 00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:27,969 The [unintelligible] has ruined the soufflé.

307 00:17:28,033 --> 00:17:30,268 Oh, l think your stomping ruined the soufflé.

308 00:17:30,333 --> 00:17:32,034 [mock Swedish]

309 00:17:32,099 --> 00:17:34,836 [speaking Spanish]

310 00:17:36,466 --> 00:17:37,767 Oh! Ooh!

311 00:17:41,266 --> 00:17:43,835 - What did they say? - Bad news, Uncle Kermit.

312 00:17:43,900 --> 00:17:46,369 Spain and Sweden have iust declared war.

313 00:17:47,433 --> 00:17:49,802 [screaming in Spanish and mock Swedish]

314 00:17:52,633 --> 00:17:54,034 [crashing]

315 00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:58,435 As if things weren't getting out of hand enough,

316 00:17:58,500 --> 00:18:00,335 it's now my irresponsible pleasure

317 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:03,536 to introduce our vey special guest star, Mr. Spike Milligan

318 00:18:03,599 --> 00:18:05,868 doing a piece that he has asked me to describe

319 00:18:05,933 --> 00:18:10,570 as being called, The Intergalactic Brotherhood of Man, Including Things.

320 00:18:11,966 --> 00:18:14,234 Ladies and gentlemen, Spike Milligan!

321 00:18:17,033 --> 00:18:18,200 Still here?

322 00:18:18,266 --> 00:18:20,067 Sucker for punishment, eh?

323 00:18:20,133 --> 00:18:22,068 Now, a good evening.

324 00:18:22,133 --> 00:18:25,536 Now, an appalling evening.

325 00:18:25,599 --> 00:18:27,268 [thunder rumbling]

326 00:18:27,333 --> 00:18:29,201 Now comedy weather.

327 00:18:32,500 --> 00:18:35,569 - [clucking] - With a surprise ending.

328 00:18:36,266 --> 00:18:38,368 Now, who came first?

329 00:18:38,433 --> 00:18:39,901 - Answer! - Hey!

330 00:18:39,966 --> 00:18:43,102 [Lew Zeeland] Can we have our chicken back? Please, mister.

331 00:18:43,166 --> 00:18:45,268 But enough about me and my troubles.

332 00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:48,536 That was the voice of Lew Zeeland.

333 00:18:48,599 --> 00:18:50,301 Ha, vey good evening.

334 00:18:50,366 --> 00:18:52,501 They already know that, you nana!

335 00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:57,069 Mr. Zeeland would only agree to reading the part

336 00:18:57,133 --> 00:18:59,468 Can we have our chicken back? Please, mister?

337 00:18:59,533 --> 00:19:01,701 on condition that he would then be allowed

338 00:19:01,766 --> 00:19:04,001 to come onstage and show his face to the people

339 00:19:04,066 --> 00:19:06,334 that they would remember him and care about...

340 00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:08,969 - ...care about his career. - [laughing]

341 00:19:10,533 --> 00:19:13,469 - Yeah. And my boomerang fish act. - What? What?

342 00:19:13,533 --> 00:19:16,168 Yeah. Lew Zeeland and his boomerang fish act.

343 00:19:16,233 --> 00:19:19,469 Evey night is Friday night. Hee hee.

344 00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:21,334 Boomerang fish?

345 00:19:21,933 --> 00:19:25,169 Yeah, see, l throw the fish away from me.

346 00:19:25,833 --> 00:19:27,801 lce. It all comes back to me now.

347 00:19:27,866 --> 00:19:29,300 What?

348 00:19:31,766 --> 00:19:35,269 - Thank you and good night. - They already know it's a good night.

349 00:19:35,333 --> 00:19:37,902 - Hey, comedy. - Comedy? Comedy on this show?

350 00:19:38,633 --> 00:19:41,802 Right again, it is comedy. Now get out!

351 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:48,504 ln the happy relaxed atmosphere of international friendship which exists,

352 00:19:48,566 --> 00:19:51,135 despite the presence of many foreigners,

353 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:54,703 we can easily overlook those alien beings

354 00:19:54,766 --> 00:19:57,068 lost in the wastes of the universe.

355 00:19:57,133 --> 00:19:59,802 Reach out for those forms of life.

356 00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:02,335 Reach out and ty and ca... [screaming]

357 00:20:07,900 --> 00:20:09,167 What was that?

358 00:20:09,233 --> 00:20:11,602 - That was vey strange. - That was vey weird.

359 00:20:11,666 --> 00:20:13,467 - Peculiar. - Kind of amusing.

360 00:20:13,533 --> 00:20:15,568 - It was rather funny. - Incredibly funny.

361 00:20:15,633 --> 00:20:17,134 - l loved it. - Hilarious.

362 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:20,036 - More! Encore! Encore! - We like that strange man.

363 00:20:21,099 --> 00:20:24,436 Come on, l loved you, Turk. You're a good...

364 00:20:24,500 --> 00:20:27,936 Kermit, Kermit, l just think it's wonderFul

365 00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:31,770 that you have organized this parade of nations finale.

366 00:20:31,833 --> 00:20:34,268 Well, it seemed like sort of a nice thing to do.

367 00:20:34,333 --> 00:20:38,603 Nice, Kermit? It's humanitarian...

368 00:20:39,233 --> 00:20:43,604 ...to have the citizens of the world on our little stage.

369 00:20:43,666 --> 00:20:48,670 All races and colors, hand in hand in brotherhood.

370 00:20:48,733 --> 00:20:49,867 Uh-huh.

371 00:20:49,933 --> 00:20:53,236 - Stand by for the parade of nations. - [chattering]

372 00:20:53,299 --> 00:20:55,835 Ladies and gentlemen, the parade of nations!

373 00:20:55,900 --> 00:20:58,502 Stand by for the parade of nations!

374 00:20:58,566 --> 00:21:00,901 - [screaming] - [chattering continues]

375 00:21:03,866 --> 00:21:06,635 All right, knock it off!

376 00:21:06,700 --> 00:21:08,068 [chattering stops]

377 00:21:10,333 --> 00:21:12,368 lt's the brotherhood bit!

378 00:21:15,066 --> 00:21:16,667 Thank you, Miss Piggy.

379 00:21:16,733 --> 00:21:18,534 l'll go introduce it.

380 00:21:20,533 --> 00:21:24,336 Uh, well, as a fitting climax to tonight's international edition

381 00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:27,669 o5 The Muppet Show, here is a parade of the nations

382 00:21:27,733 --> 00:21:30,235 featuring our guest star, Mr. Spike Milligan,

383 00:21:30,299 --> 00:21:34,037 and dedicated to one of our vey favorite countries, Disneyland.

384 00:21:34,099 --> 00:21:36,635 Ladies and gentlemen, It's a Small World.

385 00:21:44,066 --> 00:21:47,536

  1. It's a world of laughter,

a world of tears

386 00:21:47,599 --> 00:21:51,036

  1. It's a world of hope

and a world offears

387 00:21:51,099 --> 00:21:54,536

  1. There's so much that we share

that it's time we're aware

388 00:21:54,599 --> 00:21:57,703

  1. It's a small world after all

389 00:21:58,233 --> 00:22:02,036

  1. It's a small world after all

390 00:22:02,099 --> 00:22:05,536

  1. It's a small world after all

391 00:22:05,599 --> 00:22:08,970

  1. It's a small world after all

392 00:22:09,033 --> 00:22:12,736

  1. It's a small, small world

393 00:22:12,799 --> 00:22:16,303

  1. It's a world of laughter,

a world of tears

394 00:22:16,366 --> 00:22:19,969

  1. It's a world of hope

and a world offears

395 00:22:20,033 --> 00:22:23,536

  1. There's so much that we share

that it's time we're aware

396 00:22:23,599 --> 00:22:26,903

  1. It's a small world after all

397 00:22:26,966 --> 00:22:30,803 - # It's a small world after all - Hi!

398 00:22:30,866 --> 00:22:34,569 - # It's a small world after all - You are making a mockey of this.

399 00:22:34,633 --> 00:22:37,268 What do you mean? Get your dim hand off my kimono.

400 00:22:37,333 --> 00:22:39,268 - Get out. - Get out? What do you mean?

401 00:22:39,333 --> 00:22:42,235 Out, out, out, out, out out!

402 00:22:42,299 --> 00:22:46,037

  1. It's a small world after all

403 00:22:46,099 --> 00:22:49,436 - # It's a small world after all - [screaming]

404 00:22:49,500 --> 00:22:53,170

  1. It's a small world after all

405 00:22:53,233 --> 00:22:56,869

  1. It's a small, small world

406 00:22:56,933 --> 00:23:00,336

  1. It's a small world after all

407 00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:03,803

  1. It's a small world after all

408 00:23:03,866 --> 00:23:07,369 - # It's a small world after all - All right, get off, off!

409 00:23:07,433 --> 00:23:11,537

  1. It's a small, small world

410 00:23:11,599 --> 00:23:15,136

  1. It's a small world after all

411 00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:18,703

  1. It's a small world after all

412 00:23:18,766 --> 00:23:22,369

  1. It's a small world after all

413 00:23:22,433 --> 00:23:26,036

  1. It's a small, small world

414 00:23:26,099 --> 00:23:29,736

  1. It's a small world after all

415 00:23:29,799 --> 00:23:33,303

  1. It's a small world after all

416 00:23:33,366 --> 00:23:36,669

  1. It's a small world after all

417 00:23:36,733 --> 00:23:39,368

  1. It's a small, small world

418 00:23:39,433 --> 00:23:41,468 Hey!

419 00:23:41,533 --> 00:23:43,268 Small world after all.

420 00:23:43,333 --> 00:23:44,634 [imitates Scot]

421 00:23:44,700 --> 00:23:47,002 A small world after all.

422 00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:50,702 [imitates cowboy singing]

423 00:23:51,799 --> 00:23:54,402 [with English accent] It's a small, small world.

424 00:23:54,466 --> 00:23:56,100 Oh! Oh!

425 00:23:56,166 --> 00:23:58,401

  1. It's a small world after all

426 00:23:58,466 --> 00:24:02,069

  1. It's a small world after all

427 00:24:02,133 --> 00:24:05,469

  1. It's a small world after all

428 00:24:05,533 --> 00:24:08,235

  1. It's a small, small world

429 00:24:09,366 --> 00:24:10,567 [singing continues]

430 00:24:10,633 --> 00:24:13,235 l think we've come down to the end of another show.

431 00:24:13,299 --> 00:24:15,669 Although some people refuse to admit it.

432 00:24:15,733 --> 00:24:18,869 l hope you've enjoyed our tribute to practically eveybody.

433 00:24:18,933 --> 00:24:23,570 Let's welcome back our fantastic guest star, the amazing Spike Milligan.

434 00:24:28,099 --> 00:24:30,235 Me. Me not go.

435 00:24:30,299 --> 00:24:32,201 Me like it here. Me not say goodbye.

436 00:24:32,266 --> 00:24:34,001 Me say, Hello, sailor.

437 00:24:36,233 --> 00:24:39,502 Anyhow, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

438 00:24:39,566 --> 00:24:42,335

  1. It's a small world after all

439 00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:45,436 - # It's a small world after all - Spike?

440 00:24:45,500 --> 00:24:47,535

  1. It's a small, small world

Shut up!

441 00:24:47,599 --> 00:24:49,335 Will you guys cut that out?

442 00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:50,901 [singing continues]

443 00:24:52,466 --> 00:24:54,601 [Spike grumbling]

444 00:24:56,233 --> 00:24:57,367 [Spike] Shut up!

445 00:24:57,433 --> 00:25:00,702

  1. And it's time we're aware

446 00:25:00,766 --> 00:25:04,302 - # It's a small world after all - Shut up!

447 00:25:04,366 --> 00:25:07,969

  1. It's a small world after all

448 00:25:08,033 --> 00:25:10,034 [Kermit] Can we kill the music?

449 00:25:14,733 --> 00:25:16,468 Can we stop this?

450 00:25:16,533 --> 00:25:18,167 Stop the music!

451 00:25:18,233 --> 00:25:20,635 - Stop the music! - Will you guys cut it out!

452 00:25:25,566 --> 00:25:29,002 - [Kermit] You guys cut that out. - # It's a small world after all

453 00:25:29,066 --> 00:25:31,668

  1. It's a small, small world

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