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Episode 316: Danny Kaye/transcript

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Cold open


Opening number


Lunch time

Canteen / "Cheek to Cheek"

UK spot

The Swedish Chef

The Flying Zucchini Brothers

Clive Cahuenga

"The Inch Worm"


[knock on door]

Danny Kaye,

Twenty seconds to curtain, Mr. Kaye.

Now there's a real pro.

Most performers are a nervous wreck

before the curtain.

He takes a nap.


Yeah, yeah, Scooter.

- Hi.

- Fifteen seconds to curtain.

Oh, that's fine.

Fifteen seconds until curtain.

Fifteen seconds until curtain?

I better get my makeup on.

Fifteen seconds to curtain!

[glass shattering]

  1. Oh, take me through

I wonder if that's how

he took his first nap.

[drum roll]

It's The Muppet Show with

our very special guest star, Danny Kaye!


  1. It's time to play the music
  1. It's time to light the light
  1. It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

  1. It's time to put on makeup
  1. It's time to dress up right
  1. It's time to get things started
  1. Why don't you get things started
  1. It's time to get things started
  1. On the most sensational, inspirational

Celebrational, Muppetational

  1. This is what we call

The Muppet Show #

[sports whistle blows]

Thank you, thank you.

Hi, there and welcome again

tfi The Muppet Show.

Today we have a sensational show

because our special guest star

is one of our favorite people,

Mr. Danny Kaye.

But first, would you believe this?

[# Age of Aquarius]

  1. When the moon

is in the Seventh House

  1. And Jupiter aligns with Mars
  1. Then peace will guide the planet
  1. And love will fill the stars
  1. This is the dawning

ofthe Age of Aquarius

  1. The Age of Aquarius
  1. Aquarius
  1. Aquarius
  1. Let the sun shine
  1. Let the sun shine in
  1. The sun shine in
  1. Let the sun shine

- # Let the sun shine

- Watch out!

  1. The sun shine in
  1. Let the sun shine

I got my hair in my face.

I can't let the sun shine in.

Hey, I can't see nothing.

You know where the barber shop is?


Hey, any sign of Statler and Waldorf?

No. It looks like they split for good.

Maybe they didn't like the acoustics.

- Can't you hear what's said onstage?

- every word.


- What are you doing?

- Looking for Statler and Waldorf.

They're missing.

Oh! There they are.

Well, I tell you, it's almost

as bad out here as it is inside.

Yes. Either way we're sitting around

Iooking at garbage.


- I'd rather be here for this show.

- Yeah.

The Muppets are always

about the same.

But this week's guest star... ooh.

- What's-his-face Kaye.

- Yeah. Ew.

I'll tell you, he is

the worst perFormer on earth.

- You can't be certain.

- I am, so.

He's not the worst perFormer on earth.

Well, then who is?

Clive Cahuenga,

the singing civil servant.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

He is pretty bad.

What an act. He sings the whole

Pest Control Code in the key of F.

Mm. And he sings it again because

he has to do everything in duplicate.

- But what's-his-face Kaye is worse.

- Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, yeah.

maldom Wouldn't cross the street

to see that guy.

Hi, Danny, how's everything?

l-l think I need a little cheering up.

You should have been inside.

Some guy named Clive Cahuenga

was knocking 'em dead.

And now, it's lunchtime.


Whoa! Whoa!


every show Statler and WaldorF

sit up here.

Show after show after show.

Now I see why.

You see why they come?

No, I see why they left.


- [# playing tune]

- [clearing throat]

[tries to sing high note]

Rowlf, Rowlf, that's too high.

Oh, OK. Ty this one.

[# plays in lower key]

  1. Heaven


[continues humming]

That's good, Rowlf.

That's very nice.

What key is that?

That's the little black one

under my finger.

Rowlf, Rowlf,

we must do this absolutely right.

Mr. Danny Kaye

has asked especially

- to sing this song avec moi.

- Miss Piggy?

Miss Piggy.

Well, well, well.

- Hello, there, Piggy.

- Mr. Kaye. Can I call you Danny?

I couldn't wait to get here

to work with you

because I have wanted to do this

for a very long time.

- I wanted to do it with you.

- No, I wanted to do it with you.

- Oh, Danny.

- Oh!

- Tell me...

- Yes?

Why is it that vous wanted

to do this particular song avec moi?

There's a very good reason for that.

You see, Piggy, dear,

I heard you sing this song once before.

Thank you.

Oh, that's nice.

Some time ago I heard you sing this song

and I thought the way you did it

was absolutely memorable.

That's funny.

I don't remember that.

Oh, well, that was years

and years and years ago.


I think I said something wrong.

What I meant was,

way back when you were thin.

[clears throat]

I see.

Way back then, huh?

When you had your nose done.

Oh, yes, I had it made a little larger.

[mock laughter]

Listen, are you guys

gonna rehearse this song?

- We're gonna do it.

- Yeah, yeah, all right.

Why don't you practice the song

and I'll go and change.

Oh, Daniel dear,

yes, a true professional

doesn't need to rehearse.

Well, in that case, I shall go

and practice changing my clothes.

[Piggy growling]

[growling continues]

Stand by for Cheek to Cheek.

- Well, yeah.

- Oh, oh, yes.

- I'll see you on the...

- Battlefield.

You're beautiful when you're angy.


Years and years ago

when you were thin, huh?




OK, Cheek to Cheek is up next,

Cheek to Cheek.

Beauregard, get the sceney in.

We're on in a minute.

Let's go, Piggy.

I'll be there.

Not so fast.

Whoa, whoa, watch it, Beau.

- OK, right on stage with that, guys.

- Yes, sir, yes, sir.

Uh, Nigel.


[Scooter] The sceney's ready.

You guys all set?

- Uh...

- [arguing backstage]

Now, a timeless romantic duet...

...sung by mo dear friends,

I dearly hope.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Miss Piggy and Danny Kaye!


r# Cheek to CheekJ

[laughs mockingly]

  1. Heaven
  1. I'm in heaven
  1. And my heart beats so

that I can hardly speak

  1. And I seem to find

the happiness I seek

  1. When we're out together

dancing cheek to cheek



I'm so Sorry.


Well, that's all right, toi.

I just misjudged

the size of your snout.

[Piggy grumbling]

  1. I'm in heaven
  1. And the cares that hung around me

through the week

  1. Seem to vanish

like a gambler's lucky streak

  1. When we're out together

dancing cheek to cheek

  1. Oh, I'd love to climb a mountain
  1. And to reach the highest peak
  1. But it doesn't thrill me

half as much

  1. As dancing cheek to cheek
  1. Oh, I'd love to go out fishing
  1. In a river or a creek
  1. But I don't enjoy it

half as much as dancing cheek to cheek

- # Dance with me

- [squeals]

- # I want my arms about you

- [sighs]

- # The charms about you

- Let me go.

  1. Will cary me through
  1. Heaven, I'm in heaven


  1. And my heart beats so

that I can hardly speak

  1. And I seem to find

the happiness I seek

  1. When we're out together

dancing cheek to cheek


  1. Oh, dance with me
  1. I want my arms about you

- Piggy, be careful.

- # The charms about you

- Piggy...

- # Will cary me through

- Oh, Piggy.

- # To heaven

- Oh, Danny.

- Yes?

Singing and dancing with vous

has taken away all my anger.

That's absolutely true, toi.

And I want you to know, Miss Piggy,

I'm terribly Sorry that I said

that I knew you when you were thin.

- Oh, Danny, that's all right.

- Thank you.

I never knew you when you were thin.

  1. And l
  1. Seem to find
  1. The happiness I seek

- # When we're out together

- # Out together

- # Out together

- # Out together

  1. Out together dancing cheek to cheek #


One, mo, three, four.

Nice and easy.

One, mo, three, four.

Oh, it's lovely.

  1. Jogging
  1. Around the park

in the dawn or the dark

  1. Tones you up and leaves you fit
  1. Though it makes you

pu_ and pant a bit


  1. Jogging
  1. Down the street, friendly folk

who I meet try to pass the time of day

  1. I can't stop

Who wants to, anyway?


  1. G_bye, those bulges up front

and where I sit

  1. My, I'm feeling fit


  1. And I'm wanting to quit

But I'm jogging

  1. Feeling great

Feel that blood circulate


  1. Fit as a flea

Happy to be jogging

Wow. This is doing me

a world of good.

I'm really enjoying it.

- [growling and snarling]

- Hey! Get off of me!

Get off me.

Hey, hey, mister.

Call your dog off, will you?

I'm tying to get in shape.

You keep... ahh!

Excuse me. Sorry.


One, mo, three, four

in my track suit.

One, mo, three, four

and galoshes.

  1. Hello, a pair of eyeballs

sparkling and clear

  1. Healthy days are near
  1. I could die right here

but I'm jogging

  1. Doing fine,

sni#ing the airjust like wine


  1. Pardon the cough

Gotta be o#jogging

  1. It makes you healthy, jogging
  1. So they tell me
  1. _ogging


I must be crazy.

Hey, taxi!

I'm OK.

OK. Now, then,

Most of you probably didn't know

that the Swedish chef had an uncle.

Neither did we until he just showed up.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Swedish chef and his uncle.

[# singing in mock Swedish]

Oh, oh, ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to our evening today.

We have this evening

an international cooking festival

und we will prepare something

which my nephew, the Swedish chef,

will talk to you in just one minute.

[mock Swedish]

Yeah. Yeah, that's his name.

[mock Swedish]

But we call him Tom.

- [both laughing]

- That's very good.

All right, now you understand,

of course, Tom...

You understand

what we are doing tonight.

We are taking an international dish.

We will take a Swiss turkey,

we stuff him with Chinese ingredients,

and make a Yugoslavian chicken

out of him.

No, no, no.

No Yugoslavian.

- Swedish.

- I know you are Swedish.

We are just only talking

about the turkey, which we...

- Me not turkey.

- I know you're not a turkey!

We are tying to make an

international dish, you understand me?

Uh... no.

Oh. In that case...

[speaking mock Swedish]

Oh, yah, yah.

- We need a turkey now.

- The turkey.

- I get the turkey.

- We will have a turkey.

Go and get the turkey.

What, are you crazy?

You're bringing a live turkey here?

- We're supposed to cook it.

- [turkey gobbling]

How can you... with a live turkey...

What's the matter with you?

This turkey, we can't...

It's a nice turkey

but we can't do it.

First we have to pluck the feathers.

- [turkey gobbling]

- Don't get nervous.

After we pluck all the feathers, then we

have to take out from him the gizzards.

[turkey gobbling]

After we take the live turkey

we will do something with him.

We will open up the turkey

and we will stuff him with chop suey.

Oh, yeah, chop turkey.

- [laughing]

- [gobbling]

[mock Swedish]

There goes turkey bird.

[loud shot]

Let me have this here.

I will shoot the blunderFuss.

One, mo, and a boom.

- There we are.

- Oh.

Already prepared to put in your freezer.

OK, well, now, ladies and gentlemen,

the Flying Zucchini Brothers will hurl

themselves from a height of feet

- into a water-filled bucket. Ready?

- [man] Yeah, we're ready.

The Flying Zucchinis!

Hey, who left my bucket on the floor?

- Don't move that bucket.

- [crashing]




Wow. Look, there's a bag

full of fruits and vegetables up here.

Hmm. Perchance Statler and WaldorF

were thinking of throwing a pam.

This much fruit won't go very far.

They only wanted to throw it

as far as the stage.

- [both laughing]

- For sure.

Hey, Kermit, how are you?

- Danny, I'm fine, thank you.

- You're fine, thank you?

Are you making fun of the way I talk?

- No, no, I love the way you talk.

- Oh, OK.

I love the way you talk so much

that I begin to talk like you.

That sounds very good.

I was wondering if I could

talk you into doing one more song.

You wouldn't have to talk too much.

I'd love to do another song for you.

But I tell you what.

Instead of doing it on the stage,

why don't we do it back here?

So, it's a song for just friends.

Oh. Well, yeah, but...

But what... [stammering]

There's nothing on stage.

[imitates Kermit stammering]

Why don't we get something on stage?

I could go on.

That's Clive Cahuenga,

the singing civil servant.

I know, Fozz, I know.

- Clive, I've got a job for you.

- Great, but I have to change.

- All right.

- Come right this way.

Ladies and gentlemen,

for tonight's big finale,

The Muppet Show

proudly presents Clive Cahuenga,

singing to the music of Mozart,

the Municipal Vermin Abatement Code.

  1. Section one, rats
  1. Subheading, infestation
  1. Rodent populations in an urban area #

- Hey.

- Now, where were we?

Where were we, where?

- You were gonna talk about the song.

- Yeah, yeah.

I've got a great idea, Kermit.

Why don't we do a song we did

in the movie called

Hans Christian Andersen?

It's called Inchworm.

- Oh, Inchworm. We know that song.

- You do?

- Oh, sure.

- We could all sing it.

- Of course.

- Anybody here sing close harmony?

- Well, no, but a near miss.

- Here we go.

  1. Two and mo are four
  1. Four and four are eight

That's pre_.

- # Eight and eight are .

- Ah. very nice.

- # Sixteen and are .

- very good.

- # Two and mo are four

- # Inchworm, inchworm

- # Four and four are eight

- # Measuring the marigoldss

- # Eight and eight are

- # You and your arithmetic

- # Sixteen and are

- # You'll probably go far

- # Two and mo are four

- # Inchworm, inchworm

- # Four and four are eight

- # Measuring the marigolds

- # Eight and eight are

- # Seems to me you'd stop and see

- # Sixteen and are

- # How beautiful they are

Oh, well, look what we have here.

Come on, up on my hand.

Up, up, up, up, up.

Pick your head up

and look around.

Way up.

Oh, look, isn't that pre_?

  1. Inchworm, inchworm
  1. Measuring the marigolds
  1. You and your arithmetic
  1. You'll probably go far

- # Two and mo are four

- # Inchworm, inchworm

- # Four and four are eight

- # Measuring the marigolds

- # Eight and eight are

- # Seems to me you'd stop and see

- # Sixteen and are

- # How beautiful they are

  1. Two and mo are four
  1. Four and four are eight

- Eight and eight are

- # Seems to me you'd stop and see

- # Sixteen and are

- # How beautiful they are

  1. Seems to me you'd stop and see
  1. How beautiful
  1. They are #

I've got to feed the parking meter.

I'll be back in just a few minutes.

Well, I wonder if that Kaye

has done his act yet.

Thank goodness we're not there to know.

Imagine, a tuned clam player.

Mm. I hate that Manny Kaye.

Manny Kaye?

- Why, it's Danny Kaye.

- Sure.

- You're one of our favorites.

- Better than a tuned clam player?


Of course.

Now I wish we'd seen the show.


On stage for the closing, Mr. Kaye.

I'll be right with you.

Don't be late.

We've done it again, folks.

It's been particularly sad

to come to the end,

because our guest star has been

the one and only, Mr. Danny Kaye. Yeah!

Thank you.

Kermit, do you mind

if I bring some friends?

- What?

- Come on in, fellas.

There we go.

Are you kidding?

They're part of the family.

Be with us next time when our guest will

be one of the best tuned clam players.

- Just say good night.

- Ahhh! A clam player!

We'll see you next time

on The Muppet Show!

- It was great to have you, Danny.

- Oh, thank you.

There was something thrilling

about being in the show.

Yep. Not having to watch it.


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