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Episode 316: Danny Kaye/transcript

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1 00:00:08,599 --> 00:00:09,968 [knock on door]

2 00:00:10,033 --> 00:00:13,469 Danny Kaye, 20 seconds to curtain, Mr. Kaye.

3 00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:17,268 Now there's a real pro.

4 00:00:17,333 --> 00:00:20,402 Most perFormers are a nervous wreck before the curtain.

5 00:00:20,466 --> 00:00:22,167 He takes a nap.

6 00:00:23,266 --> 00:00:24,500 Danny?

7 00:00:24,566 --> 00:00:26,334 Yeah, yeah, Scooter.

8 00:00:26,399 --> 00:00:28,835 - Hi. - Fifteen seconds to curtain.

9 00:00:28,899 --> 00:00:31,569 Oh, that's fine. Fifteen seconds until curtain.

10 00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:35,435 Fifteen seconds until curtain?

11 00:00:36,566 --> 00:00:38,567 l better get my makeup on.

12 00:00:38,633 --> 00:00:42,003 Fifteen seconds to curtain!

13 00:00:42,066 --> 00:00:43,367 [glass shattering]

14 00:00:49,533 --> 00:00:51,568

  1. Oh, take me through

15 00:01:02,399 --> 00:01:04,869 l wonder if that's how he took his first nap.

16 00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:07,134 [drum roll]

17 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:11,704 lt's The Muppet Show with our vey special guest star, Danny Kaye!

18 00:01:11,766 --> 00:01:13,434 Yeah!

19 00:01:26,900 --> 00:01:28,701

  1. It's time to play the music

20 00:01:28,766 --> 00:01:30,767

  1. It's time to light the light

21 00:01:30,833 --> 00:01:34,836

  1. It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

22 00:01:34,900 --> 00:01:37,102

  1. It's time to put on makeup

23 00:01:37,166 --> 00:01:39,201

  1. It's time to dress up right

24 00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:41,001

  1. It's time to get things started

25 00:01:41,066 --> 00:01:43,301

  1. Why don't you get things started

26 00:01:47,533 --> 00:01:49,534

  1. It's time to get things started

27 00:01:49,599 --> 00:01:53,837

  1. On the most sensational, inspirational

Celebrational, Muppetational

28 00:01:53,900 --> 00:01:59,405

  1. This is what we call

The Muppet Show #

29 00:02:00,700 --> 00:02:02,034 [sports whistle blows]

30 00:02:09,966 --> 00:02:11,100 Thank you, thank you.

31 00:02:11,166 --> 00:02:13,635 Hi, there and welcome again tfi The Muppet Show.

32 00:02:13,699 --> 00:02:17,103 Today we have a sensational show because our special guest star

33 00:02:17,166 --> 00:02:19,768 is one of our favorite people, Mr. Danny Kaye.

34 00:02:19,833 --> 00:02:21,868 But first, would you believe this?

35 00:02:21,933 --> 00:02:23,634 [# Age of Aquarius]

36 00:02:28,033 --> 00:02:32,203

  1. When the moon

is in the Seventh House

37 00:02:32,266 --> 00:02:36,069

  1. And Jupiter aligns with Mars

38 00:02:36,133 --> 00:02:40,770

  1. Then peace will guide the planet

39 00:02:40,833 --> 00:02:43,202

  1. And love will fill the stars

40 00:02:43,266 --> 00:02:47,403

  1. This is the dawning

ofthe Age of Aquarius

41 00:02:47,466 --> 00:02:50,235

  1. The Age of Aquarius

42 00:02:51,633 --> 00:02:54,168

  1. Aquarius

43 00:02:55,900 --> 00:02:58,302

  1. Aquarius

44 00:03:00,266 --> 00:03:03,736

  1. Let the sun shine

45 00:03:04,866 --> 00:03:08,469

  1. Let the sun shine in

46 00:03:08,533 --> 00:03:12,136

  1. The sun shine in

47 00:03:13,500 --> 00:03:15,568

  1. Let the sun shine

48 00:03:15,633 --> 00:03:17,868 - # Let the sun shine - Watch out!

49 00:03:17,933 --> 00:03:19,668

  1. The sun shine in

50 00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:21,868

  1. Let the sun shine

51 00:03:21,933 --> 00:03:25,136 l got my hair in my face. l can't let the sun shine in.

52 00:03:25,199 --> 00:03:28,469 Hey, l can't see nothing. You know where the barber shop is?

53 00:03:32,633 --> 00:03:35,235 [Kermit] Hey, any sign of Statler and Waldo_?

54 00:03:35,900 --> 00:03:38,269 No. It looks like they split for good.

55 00:03:39,199 --> 00:03:41,268 Maybe they didn't like the acoustics.

56 00:03:41,333 --> 00:03:44,369 - Can't you hear what's said onstage? - Evey word.

57 00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:46,768 [laughing]

58 00:03:50,066 --> 00:03:53,035 - What are you doing? - Looking for Statler and WaldorF.

59 00:03:53,099 --> 00:03:54,568 They're missing.

60 00:03:54,633 --> 00:03:56,668 Oh! There they are.

61 00:03:57,666 --> 00:04:01,836 Well, l tell you, it's almost as bad out here as it is inside.

62 00:04:01,900 --> 00:04:05,603 Yes. Either way we're sitting around Iooking at garbage.

63 00:04:05,666 --> 00:04:07,000 [laughing]

64 00:04:07,066 --> 00:04:09,802 - l'd rather be here for this show. - Yeah.

65 00:04:09,866 --> 00:04:11,968 The Muppets are always about the same.

66 00:04:12,033 --> 00:04:14,668 But this week's guest star... ooh.

67 00:04:14,733 --> 00:04:17,635 - What's-his-face Kaye. - Yeah. Ew.

68 00:04:17,699 --> 00:04:21,103 l'll tell you, he is the worst perFormer on earth.

69 00:04:21,166 --> 00:04:23,334 - You can't be certain. - l am, so.

70 00:04:23,399 --> 00:04:25,769 He's not the worst perFormer on earth.

71 00:04:25,833 --> 00:04:27,401 Well, then who is?

72 00:04:27,466 --> 00:04:30,569 Clive Cahuenga, the singing civil servant.

73 00:04:30,633 --> 00:04:32,835 Yeah, yeah, you're right. He is pre_ bad.

74 00:04:32,899 --> 00:04:36,770 What an act. He sings the whole Pest Control Code in the key of F.

75 00:04:36,833 --> 00:04:41,204 Mm. And he sings it again because he has to do evemhing in duplicate.

76 00:04:42,333 --> 00:04:47,237 - But what's-his-face Kaye is worse. - Yeah, l guess so. Yeah, yeah.

77 00:04:48,766 --> 00:04:51,802 maldom Wouldn't cross the street to see that guy.

78 00:04:51,866 --> 00:04:53,500 Hi, Danny, how's evemhing?

79 00:04:54,633 --> 00:04:56,901 l-l think l need a little cheering up.

80 00:04:56,966 --> 00:04:58,500 You should have been inside.

81 00:04:58,566 --> 00:05:01,769 Some guy named Clive Cahuenga was knocking 'em dead.

82 00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:06,868 And now, it's lunchtime.

83 00:06:24,733 --> 00:06:26,868 [growling]

84 00:06:28,899 --> 00:06:30,601 Whoa! Whoa!

85 00:06:42,166 --> 00:06:43,166 [burping]

86 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:49,170 Evey show Statler and WaldorF sit up here.

87 00:06:49,233 --> 00:06:52,035 Show after show after show.

88 00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:54,668 Now l see why.

89 00:06:54,733 --> 00:06:56,267 You see why they come?

90 00:06:56,333 --> 00:06:58,034 No, l see why they left.

91 00:06:58,100 --> 00:06:59,568 [laughing]

92 00:07:04,100 --> 00:07:07,303 - [# playing tune] - [clearing throat]

93 00:07:07,366 --> 00:07:09,234 [tries to sing high note]

94 00:07:09,300 --> 00:07:11,635 Rowl_, Rowl_, that's too high.

95 00:07:11,699 --> 00:07:13,768 Oh, OK. Ty this one.

96 00:07:13,833 --> 00:07:16,669 [# plays in lower key]

97 00:07:18,033 --> 00:07:20,502

  1. Heaven

[humming]

98 00:07:21,366 --> 00:07:23,367 [continues humming]

99 00:07:23,433 --> 00:07:25,601 That's good, Rowlf. That's vey nice.

100 00:07:25,666 --> 00:07:27,501 What key is that?

101 00:07:27,566 --> 00:07:30,268 That's the little black one under my finger.

102 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:36,237 Rowl_, Rowl_, we must do this absolutely right.

103 00:07:36,300 --> 00:07:39,903 Mr. Danny Kaye has asked especially

104 00:07:39,966 --> 00:07:44,136 - to sing this song avec moi. - Miss Piggy?

105 00:07:44,199 --> 00:07:47,136 Miss Piggy. Well, well, well.

106 00:07:47,199 --> 00:07:50,202 - Hello, there, Piggy. - Mr. Kaye. Can l call you Danny?

107 00:07:50,266 --> 00:07:52,501 l couldn't wait to get here to work with you

108 00:07:52,566 --> 00:07:56,269 because l have wanted to do this for a vey long time.

109 00:07:56,333 --> 00:07:59,703 - l wanted to do it with you. - No, l wanted to do it with you.

110 00:07:59,766 --> 00:08:01,767 - Oh, Danny. - Oh!

111 00:08:04,266 --> 00:08:05,467 - Tell me... - Yes?

112 00:08:05,533 --> 00:08:10,905 Why is it that vous wanted to do this particular song avec moi?

113 00:08:10,966 --> 00:08:14,235 There's a vey good reason for that. You see, Piggy, dear,

114 00:08:14,300 --> 00:08:17,903 l heard you sing this song once before.

115 00:08:17,966 --> 00:08:20,635 Thank you. Oh, that's nice.

116 00:08:21,333 --> 00:08:23,501 Some time ago l heard you sing this song

117 00:08:23,566 --> 00:08:28,671 and l thought the way you did it was absolutely memorable.

118 00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:32,435 That's funny. l don't remember that.

119 00:08:32,500 --> 00:08:36,003 Oh, well, that was years and years and years ago.

120 00:08:37,433 --> 00:08:38,433 Oh?

121 00:08:40,566 --> 00:08:42,734 l think l said something wrong.

122 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:47,603 What l meant was, way back when you were thin.

123 00:08:50,733 --> 00:08:51,967 [clears throat]

124 00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:54,434 l see.

125 00:08:55,066 --> 00:08:56,634 Way back then, huh?

126 00:08:56,700 --> 00:08:58,935 When you had your nose done.

127 00:09:00,100 --> 00:09:02,969 Oh, yes, l had it made a little larger.

128 00:09:03,033 --> 00:09:04,434 [mock laughter]

129 00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:07,102 Listen, are you guys gonna rehearse this song?

130 00:09:07,166 --> 00:09:09,535 - We're gonna do it. - Yeah, yeah, all right.

131 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:12,703 Why don't you practice the song and l'll go and change.

132 00:09:12,766 --> 00:09:14,834 Oh, Daniel dear,

133 00:09:15,633 --> 00:09:19,570 yes, a true professional doesn't need to rehearse.

134 00:09:19,633 --> 00:09:24,337 Well, in that case, l shall go and practice changing my clothes.

135 00:09:24,399 --> 00:09:26,135 [Piggy growling]

136 00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:27,768 [growling continues]

137 00:09:27,833 --> 00:09:29,768 Stand by for Cheek to Cheek.

138 00:09:29,833 --> 00:09:32,202 - Well, yeah. - Oh, oh, yes.

139 00:09:32,266 --> 00:09:34,368 - l'll see you on the... - Battlefield.

140 00:09:34,433 --> 00:09:36,868 You're beautiful when you're angy.

141 00:09:36,933 --> 00:09:38,067 Grr!

142 00:09:39,433 --> 00:09:42,135 Years and years ago when you were thin, huh?

143 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:43,501 [laughing]

144 00:09:44,433 --> 00:09:46,034 Hi-ya!

145 00:09:46,100 --> 00:09:47,801 [crashing]

146 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:53,703 OK, Cheek to Cheek is up next, Cheek to Cheek.

147 00:09:53,766 --> 00:09:55,968 Beauregard, get the sceney in.

148 00:09:56,033 --> 00:09:58,235 We're on in a minute. Let's go, Piggy.

149 00:09:58,299 --> 00:10:00,301 l'll be there.

150 00:10:00,366 --> 00:10:03,402 Not so fast. Whoa, whoa, watch it, Beau.

151 00:10:03,466 --> 00:10:06,535 - OK, right on stage with that, guys. - Yes, sir, yes, sir.

152 00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:09,035 Uh, Nigel. [grunting]

153 00:10:09,100 --> 00:10:11,035 [Scooter] The sceney's ready.

154 00:10:11,100 --> 00:10:12,501 You guys all set?

155 00:10:14,466 --> 00:10:16,334 - Uh... - [arguing backstage]

156 00:10:16,399 --> 00:10:18,935 Now, a timeless romantic duet...

157 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:23,736 ...sung by mo dear friends, l dearly hope.

158 00:10:23,799 --> 00:10:26,502 Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Piggy and Danny Kaye!

159 00:10:26,566 --> 00:10:28,067 [arguing]

160 00:10:29,700 --> 00:10:31,601 r# Cheek to CheekJ

161 00:10:35,700 --> 00:10:37,601 [laughs mockingly]

162 00:10:38,766 --> 00:10:40,300

  1. Heaven

163 00:10:40,366 --> 00:10:42,201

  1. l'm in heaven

164 00:10:42,933 --> 00:10:47,470

  1. And my heart beats so

that l can hardly speak

165 00:10:47,533 --> 00:10:51,670

  1. And l seem to find

the happiness l seek

166 00:10:52,433 --> 00:10:55,969

  1. When we're out together

dancing cheek to cheek

167 00:10:56,033 --> 00:10:57,801 Oh! [chuckles]

168 00:10:57,866 --> 00:11:00,001 l'm so sory. Excusez-moi.

169 00:11:00,066 --> 00:11:01,967 Well, that's all right, toi.

170 00:11:02,033 --> 00:11:05,102 l just misjudged the size of your snout.

171 00:11:05,166 --> 00:11:07,101 [Piggy grumbling]

172 00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:09,535

  1. l'm in heaven

173 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:13,937

  1. And the cares that hung around me

through the week

174 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:18,637

  1. Seem to vanish

like a gambler's lucky streak

175 00:11:19,366 --> 00:11:22,569

  1. When we're out together

dancing cheek to cheek

176 00:11:24,133 --> 00:11:26,535

  1. Oh, l'd love to climb a mountain

177 00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:28,868

  1. And to reach the highest peak

178 00:11:28,933 --> 00:11:31,568

  1. But it doesn't thrill me

half as much

179 00:11:31,633 --> 00:11:33,868

  1. As dancing cheek to cheek

180 00:11:33,933 --> 00:11:36,268

  1. Oh, l'd love to go out fishing

181 00:11:36,333 --> 00:11:38,568

  1. In a river or a creek

182 00:11:38,633 --> 00:11:42,970

  1. But l don't enjoy it

half as much as dancing cheek to cheek

183 00:11:44,066 --> 00:11:45,867 - # Dance with me - [squeals]

184 00:11:45,933 --> 00:11:48,702 - # l want my arms about you - [sighs]

185 00:11:48,766 --> 00:11:51,502 - # The charms about you - Let me go.

186 00:11:51,566 --> 00:11:53,701

  1. Will cary me through

187 00:11:53,766 --> 00:11:56,602

  1. Heaven, l'm in heaven

188 00:11:56,666 --> 00:11:57,900 Danny.

189 00:11:57,966 --> 00:12:02,503

  1. And my heart beats so

that l can hardly speak

190 00:12:02,566 --> 00:12:06,870

  1. And l seem to find

the happiness l seek

191 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:11,136

  1. When we're out together

dancing cheek to cheek

192 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:12,401 Oh.

193 00:12:12,466 --> 00:12:14,568

  1. Oh, dance with me

194 00:12:14,633 --> 00:12:16,735

  1. l want my arms about you

195 00:12:16,799 --> 00:12:19,035 - Piggy, be careful. - # The charms about you

196 00:12:19,100 --> 00:12:21,836 - Piggy... - # Will cary me through

197 00:12:21,899 --> 00:12:24,102 - Oh, Piggy. - # To heaven

198 00:12:24,166 --> 00:12:26,167 - Oh, Danny. - Yes?

199 00:12:26,233 --> 00:12:30,971 Singing and dancing with vous has taken away all my anger.

200 00:12:31,033 --> 00:12:33,402 That's absolutely true, toi.

201 00:12:33,466 --> 00:12:35,267 And l want you to know, Miss Piggy,

202 00:12:35,333 --> 00:12:38,736 l'm terribly sory that l said that l knew you when you were thin.

203 00:12:38,799 --> 00:12:43,004 - Oh, Danny, that's all right. - Thank you.

204 00:12:44,966 --> 00:12:47,468 l never knew you when you were thin.

205 00:12:50,299 --> 00:12:54,170

  1. And l

206 00:12:55,033 --> 00:12:57,201

  1. Seem to find

207 00:12:57,266 --> 00:13:01,203

  1. The happiness l seek

208 00:13:03,033 --> 00:13:05,602 - # When we're out together - # Out together

209 00:13:05,666 --> 00:13:08,001 - # Out together - # Out together

210 00:13:08,066 --> 00:13:13,571

  1. Out together dancing cheek to cheek #

211 00:13:29,633 --> 00:13:31,668 [panting]

212 00:13:32,866 --> 00:13:35,802 One, mo, three, four. Nice and easy.

213 00:13:35,866 --> 00:13:38,768 One, mo, three, four. Oh, it's lovely.

214 00:13:38,833 --> 00:13:40,134

  1. _ogging

215 00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:42,602

  1. Around the park

in the dawn or the dark

216 00:13:42,666 --> 00:13:44,567

  1. Tones you up and leaves you fit

217 00:13:44,633 --> 00:13:47,669

  1. Though it makes you

pu_ and pant a bit

218 00:13:47,733 --> 00:13:49,201 [panting]

219 00:13:49,266 --> 00:13:50,700

  1. _ogging

220 00:13:50,766 --> 00:13:54,569

  1. Down the street, friendly folk

who l meet ty to pass the time of day

221 00:13:55,399 --> 00:13:58,069

  1. l can't stop

Who wants to, anyway?

222 00:13:58,133 --> 00:13:59,434 [groaning]

223 00:13:59,500 --> 00:14:03,570

  1. G_bye, those bulges up front

and where l sit

224 00:14:03,633 --> 00:14:05,134

  1. My, l'm feeling fit

225 00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:06,601 [panting]

226 00:14:06,666 --> 00:14:09,468

  1. And l'm wanting to quit

But l'm jogging

227 00:14:09,533 --> 00:14:12,202

  1. Feeling great

Feel that bl_ circulate

228 00:14:12,266 --> 00:14:14,001 [wheezing]

229 00:14:14,066 --> 00:14:16,668

  1. Fit as a flea

Happy to bejogging

230 00:14:18,033 --> 00:14:20,835 Wow. This is doing me a world of good.

231 00:14:20,899 --> 00:14:22,434 l'm really enioying it.

232 00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:25,002 - [growling and snarling] - Hey! Get off of me!

233 00:14:25,066 --> 00:14:27,401 Get off me. Hey, hey, mister.

234 00:14:27,466 --> 00:14:29,367 Call your dog off, will you?

235 00:14:29,433 --> 00:14:31,067 l'm tying to get in shape.

236 00:14:31,133 --> 00:14:33,435 You keep... ahh!

237 00:14:33,500 --> 00:14:35,168 Excuse me. Sory.

238 00:14:35,233 --> 00:14:36,968 [panting]

239 00:14:38,133 --> 00:14:40,735 One, mo, three, four in my track suit.

240 00:14:40,799 --> 00:14:43,969 One, mo, three, four and galoshes.

241 00:14:44,033 --> 00:14:48,036

  1. Hello, a pair of eyeballs

sparkling and clear

242 00:14:48,100 --> 00:14:50,068

  1. Healthy days are near

243 00:14:51,133 --> 00:14:54,169

  1. l could die right here

but l'm jogging

244 00:14:54,233 --> 00:14:57,636

  1. Doing fine,

sni#ing the airjust like wine

245 00:14:57,700 --> 00:14:58,967 [coughing]

246 00:14:59,033 --> 00:15:01,368

  1. Pardon the cough

Gotta be o#jogging

247 00:15:02,066 --> 00:15:04,201

  1. It makes you healthy, jogging

248 00:15:04,966 --> 00:15:06,467

  1. So they tell me

249 00:15:06,533 --> 00:15:08,067

  1. _ogging

250 00:15:08,133 --> 00:15:10,535 [panting] l must be crazy.

251 00:15:11,866 --> 00:15:13,767 Hey, taxi!

252 00:15:18,333 --> 00:15:19,734 l'm OK.

253 00:15:24,533 --> 00:15:26,234 OK. Now, then,

254 00:15:26,299 --> 00:15:30,003 Most of you probably didn't know that the Swedish chef had an uncle.

255 00:15:30,066 --> 00:15:32,134 Neither did we until he iust showed up.

256 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:35,036 Ladies and gentlemen, the Swedish chef and his uncle.

257 00:15:37,333 --> 00:15:40,469 [# singing in mock Swedish]

258 00:15:51,299 --> 00:15:55,637 Oh, oh, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our evening today.

259 00:15:55,700 --> 00:15:59,737 We have this evening an international cooking festival

260 00:15:59,799 --> 00:16:03,637 undwe will prepare something which my nephew, the Swedish chef,

261 00:16:03,700 --> 00:16:06,669 will talk to you in iust one minute.

262 00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:08,768 [mock Swedish]

263 00:16:08,833 --> 00:16:10,568 Yeah. Yeah, that's his name.

264 00:16:10,633 --> 00:16:16,038 [mock Swedish]

265 00:16:17,433 --> 00:16:18,934 But we call him Tom.

266 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,702 - [both laughing] - That's vey good.

267 00:16:21,766 --> 00:16:24,401 All right, now you understand, of course, Tom...

268 00:16:24,466 --> 00:16:26,734 You understand what we are doing tonight.

269 00:16:26,799 --> 00:16:29,536 We are taking an international dish.

270 00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:32,235 We will take a Swiss turkey,

271 00:16:32,299 --> 00:16:35,202 we stuff him with Chinese ingredients,

272 00:16:35,266 --> 00:16:37,868 and make a Yugoslavian chicken out of him.

273 00:16:37,933 --> 00:16:41,369 No, no, no. No Yugoslavian.

274 00:16:41,433 --> 00:16:44,169 - Swedish. - l know you are Swedish.

275 00:16:44,233 --> 00:16:47,002 We are just only talking about the turkey, which we...

276 00:16:47,066 --> 00:16:49,735 - Me not turkey. - l know you're not a turkey!

277 00:16:49,799 --> 00:16:53,069 We are tying to make an international dish, you understand me?

278 00:16:53,133 --> 00:16:54,467 Uh... no.

279 00:16:54,533 --> 00:16:57,235 Oh. In that case... [speaking mock Swedish]

280 00:16:58,433 --> 00:17:00,001 Oh, yah, yah.

281 00:17:00,066 --> 00:17:02,201 - We need a turkey now. - The turkey.

282 00:17:02,266 --> 00:17:04,401 - l get the turkey. - We will have a turkey.

283 00:17:04,466 --> 00:17:06,334 Go and get the turkey.

284 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:09,302 What, are you crazy? You're bringing a live turkey here?

285 00:17:09,366 --> 00:17:12,001 - We're supposed to cook it. - [turkey gobbling]

286 00:17:12,066 --> 00:17:15,936 How can you... with a live turkey... What's the matter with you?

287 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:17,901 This turkey, we can't...

288 00:17:17,966 --> 00:17:20,134 lt's a nice turkey but we can't do it.

289 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:22,068 First we have to pluck the feathers.

290 00:17:22,133 --> 00:17:25,636 - [turkey gobbling] - Don't get nervous.

291 00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:30,071 After we pluck all the feathers, then we have to take out from him the gizzards.

292 00:17:30,133 --> 00:17:31,901 [turkey gobbling]

293 00:17:33,599 --> 00:17:38,104 After we take the live turkey we will do something with him.

294 00:17:38,166 --> 00:17:42,236 We will open up the turkey and we will stuff him with chop suey.

295 00:17:42,299 --> 00:17:44,435 Oh, yeah, chop turkey.

296 00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:46,168 - [laughing] - [gobbling]

297 00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:48,435 [mock Swedish]

298 00:17:49,833 --> 00:17:52,202 There goes turkey bird.

299 00:17:52,266 --> 00:17:53,600 [loud shot]

300 00:17:57,166 --> 00:17:58,800 Let me have this here.

301 00:17:58,866 --> 00:18:03,537 l will shoot the blunderFuss. One, mo, and a boom.

302 00:18:07,900 --> 00:18:09,768 - There we are. - Oh.

303 00:18:09,833 --> 00:18:12,969 Already prepared to put in your freezer.

304 00:18:17,166 --> 00:18:20,202 OK, well, now, ladies and gentlemen,

305 00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:25,037 the Flying Zucchini Brothers will hurl themselves from a height of 200 feet

306 00:18:25,099 --> 00:18:28,403 - into a water-filled bucket. Ready? - [man] Yeah, we're ready.

307 00:18:28,466 --> 00:18:30,201 The Flying Zucchinis!

308 00:18:32,133 --> 00:18:34,835 Hey, who left my bucket on the floor?

309 00:18:34,900 --> 00:18:36,935 - Don't move that bucket. - [crashing]

310 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:38,901 Beauregard!

311 00:18:38,966 --> 00:18:40,934 Beauregard!

312 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,368 [crashing]

313 00:18:44,033 --> 00:18:48,103 Wow. Look, there's a bag full of fruits and vegetables up here.

314 00:18:48,166 --> 00:18:52,770 Hmm. Perchance Statler and WaldorF were thinking of throwing a pam.

315 00:18:52,833 --> 00:18:55,135 This much fruit won't go vey far.

316 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:58,403 They only wanted to throw it as far as the stage.

317 00:18:58,466 --> 00:19:00,668 - [both laughing] - For sure.

318 00:19:00,733 --> 00:19:02,167 Hey, Kermit, how are you?

319 00:19:02,233 --> 00:19:05,035 - Danny, l'm fine, thank you. - You're fine, thank you?

320 00:19:05,099 --> 00:19:06,968 Are you making fun of the way l talk?

321 00:19:07,033 --> 00:19:09,535 - No, no, l love the way you talk. - Oh, OK.

322 00:19:09,599 --> 00:19:12,869 l love the way you talk so much that l begin to talk like you.

323 00:19:12,933 --> 00:19:14,501 That sounds vey good.

324 00:19:14,566 --> 00:19:17,602 l was wondering if l could talk you into doing one more song.

325 00:19:17,666 --> 00:19:19,734 You wouldn't have to talk too much.

326 00:19:19,799 --> 00:19:21,902 l'd love to do another song for you.

327 00:19:21,966 --> 00:19:24,835 But l tell you what. Instead of doing it on the stage,

328 00:19:24,900 --> 00:19:27,802 why don't we do it back here?

329 00:19:27,866 --> 00:19:30,535 So, it's a song for iust friends.

330 00:19:30,599 --> 00:19:32,034 Oh. Well, yeah, but...

331 00:19:32,099 --> 00:19:34,802 But what... [stammering] There's nothing on stage.

332 00:19:34,866 --> 00:19:39,537 [imitates Kermit stammering] Why don't we get something on stage?

333 00:19:39,599 --> 00:19:41,368 l could go on.

334 00:19:41,433 --> 00:19:45,103 That's Clive Cahuenga, the singing civil servant.

335 00:19:45,166 --> 00:19:46,534 l know, Fozz, l know.

336 00:19:47,599 --> 00:19:51,136 - Clive, l've got a job for you. - Great, but l have to change.

337 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,201 - All right. - Come right this way.

338 00:19:54,666 --> 00:19:57,301 Ladies and gentlemen, for tonight's big finale,

339 00:19:57,366 --> 00:20:00,435 The Muppet Show proudly presents Clive Cahuenga,

340 00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:02,301 singing to the music of Mozart,

341 00:20:02,366 --> 00:20:05,068 the Municipal Vermin Abatement Code.

342 00:20:11,466 --> 00:20:13,534

  1. Section one, rats

343 00:20:13,599 --> 00:20:15,368

  1. Subheading, infestation

344 00:20:15,433 --> 00:20:18,469

  1. Rodent populations in an urban area #

345 00:20:18,533 --> 00:20:20,968 - Hey. - Now, where were we?

346 00:20:21,033 --> 00:20:23,001 Where were we, where?

347 00:20:23,066 --> 00:20:26,269 - You were gonna talk about the song. - Yeah, yeah.

348 00:20:28,133 --> 00:20:31,169 l've got a great idea, Kermit. Why don't we do a song we did

349 00:20:31,233 --> 00:20:33,535 in the movie called Hans Christian Andersen?

350 00:20:33,599 --> 00:20:35,535 lt's called Inchworm.

351 00:20:35,599 --> 00:20:38,135 - Oh, Inchworm. We know that song. - You do?

352 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,068 - Oh, sure. - We could all sing it.

353 00:20:40,133 --> 00:20:42,568 - Of course. - Anybody here sing close harmony?

354 00:20:42,633 --> 00:20:46,236 - Well, no, but a near miss. - Here we go.

355 00:20:46,299 --> 00:20:50,270

  1. Two and mo are four

356 00:20:51,033 --> 00:20:54,870

  1. Four and four are eight

357 00:20:54,933 --> 00:20:56,100 That's pre_.

358 00:20:56,166 --> 00:21:00,870 - # Eight and eight are 16. - Ah. Vey nice.

359 00:21:00,933 --> 00:21:05,604 - # Sixteen and 16 are 32. - Vey good.

360 00:21:05,666 --> 00:21:10,337 - # Two and mo are four - # Inchworm, inchworm

361 00:21:11,133 --> 00:21:15,237 - # Four and four are eight - # Measuring the marigoldss

362 00:21:15,299 --> 00:21:20,238 - # Eight and eight are 16 - # You and your arithmetic

363 00:21:20,299 --> 00:21:25,505 - # Sixteen and 16 are 32 - # You'll probably go far

364 00:21:25,566 --> 00:21:30,504 - # Two and mo are four - # Inchworm, inchworm

365 00:21:30,566 --> 00:21:35,404 - # Four and four are eight - # Measuring the marigolds

366 00:21:35,466 --> 00:21:39,937 - # Eight and eight are 16 - # Seems to me you'd stop and see

367 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:44,938 - # Sixteen and 16 are 32 - # How beautiful they are

368 00:21:47,099 --> 00:21:50,203 Oh, well, look what we have here.

369 00:21:50,266 --> 00:21:52,334 Come on, up on my hand.

370 00:21:52,900 --> 00:21:54,901 Up, up, up, up, up.

371 00:21:55,599 --> 00:21:58,703 Pick your head up and look around.

372 00:21:58,766 --> 00:22:02,703 Way up. Oh, look, isn't that pre_?

373 00:22:05,033 --> 00:22:09,404

  1. Inchworm, inchworm

374 00:22:10,733 --> 00:22:14,136

  1. Measuring the marigolds

375 00:22:15,666 --> 00:22:19,169

  1. You and your arithmetic

376 00:22:20,233 --> 00:22:23,736

  1. You'll probably go far

377 00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:29,437 - # Two and mo are four - # Inchworm, inchworm

378 00:22:30,299 --> 00:22:35,104 - # Four and four are eight - # Measuring the marigolds

379 00:22:35,166 --> 00:22:39,637 - # Eight and eight are 16 - # Seems to me you'd stop and see

380 00:22:39,700 --> 00:22:44,738 - # Sixteen and 16 are 32 - # How beautiful they are

381 00:22:44,799 --> 00:22:49,804

  1. Two and mo are four

382 00:22:49,866 --> 00:22:54,770

  1. Four and four are eight

383 00:22:54,833 --> 00:23:00,004 - Eight and eight are 16 - # Seems to me you'd stop and see

384 00:23:00,066 --> 00:23:05,971 - # Sixteen and 16 are 32 - # How beautiful they are

385 00:23:07,500 --> 00:23:13,239

  1. Seems to me you'd stop and see

386 00:23:13,299 --> 00:23:17,170

  1. How beautiful

387 00:23:17,233 --> 00:23:22,271

  1. They are #

388 00:23:35,866 --> 00:23:37,801 l've got to feed the parking meter.

389 00:23:37,866 --> 00:23:39,734 l'll be back in iust a few minutes.

390 00:23:39,799 --> 00:23:42,936 Well, l wonder if that Kaye has done his act yet.

391 00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:45,035 Thank goodness we're not there to know.

392 00:23:45,099 --> 00:23:47,235 lmagine, a tuned clam player.

393 00:23:47,299 --> 00:23:50,403 Mm. l hate that Manny Kaye.

394 00:23:50,466 --> 00:23:52,734 Manny Kaye?

395 00:23:52,799 --> 00:23:55,636 - Why, it's Danny Kaye. - Sure.

396 00:23:55,700 --> 00:23:59,870 - You're one of our favorites. - Better than a tuned clam player?

397 00:23:59,933 --> 00:24:01,334 [laughing]

398 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:03,535 Of course. Now l wish we'd seen the show.

399 00:24:03,599 --> 00:24:06,536 [Scooter] On stage for the closing, Mr. Kaye.

400 00:24:06,599 --> 00:24:08,735 l'll be right with you. Don't be late.

401 00:24:10,700 --> 00:24:12,168 We've done it again, folks.

402 00:24:12,233 --> 00:24:14,668 lt's been particularly sad to come to the end,

403 00:24:14,733 --> 00:24:18,870 because our guest star has been the one and only, Mr. Danny Kaye. Yeah!

404 00:24:22,733 --> 00:24:24,401 Thank you.

405 00:24:24,466 --> 00:24:26,701 Kermit, do you mind if l bring some friends?

406 00:24:26,766 --> 00:24:28,801 - What? - Come on in, fellas.

407 00:24:28,866 --> 00:24:30,133 There we go.

408 00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:32,702 Are you kidding? They're part of the family.

409 00:24:32,766 --> 00:24:37,203 Be with us next time when our guest will be one of the best tuned clam players.

410 00:24:37,266 --> 00:24:41,103 - Just say good night. - Ahhh! A clam player!

411 00:24:41,166 --> 00:24:43,468 We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

412 00:24:44,599 --> 00:24:47,336 - It was great to have you, Danny. - Oh, thank you.

413 00:25:19,466 --> 00:25:23,002 There was something thrilling about being in the show.

414 00:25:23,066 --> 00:25:25,134 Yep. Not having to watch it.

415 00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:27,068 [laughing]

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