Episode 315: Lesley Ann Warren/transcript

Cold Open

	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door.
Scooter	Lesley Ann Warren, 20 seconds to curtain, Miss Warren.
Lesley	(doing her make up) Okay, thank you. Thank you, Scooter.
Scooter	Good luck to both of ya'!
Lesley	Good luck to both of us?
	Luncheon Counter Monster pops up next to Lesley.
Luncheon Counter Monster	Luck?! Don't wish us good luck! We got talent! (slaps Lesley's back) We got drive! (slaps Lesley's back) We got charisma! (pounding the table) So don't wish us no lousy, stinkin', rotten luck!
Lesley	...uh...wish me luck....awwww.
	Lesley coyly elbows the monster.

Theme

Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Lesley Ann Warren! Yaaay!
	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
	Statler and Waldorf do a short soft-shoe routine during the musical break.
	Gonzo blows his horn, which moos. A cow appears in the "O."
Gonzo	Ah! Ugh...ooo...

Gonzo's Act

	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Hi ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, we hope you're as glad to see us as we are to see us, among other people. Uh, uh, anyhow, tonight we got a real treat for you because our very special guest stars are that world famous knife-throwing act, Lesley and Warren. Uh, uh, but first...
Scooter	(entering) Kermit, Kermit!
Kermit	Oh, what is it, Scooter?
Scooter	Oh, only one of 'em showed up!
Kermit	What? How can you have a knife-throwing act with only one person? Where's the other one?
Scooter	I don't know. Maybe he had an accident on the last gig.
	Kermit grimaces in horror as Scooter runs out.
Kermit	Uh, well, as I was saying, we have a really terrific show tonight with our very special guest star, Lesley and/or Warren.
	Lesley steps out onstage behind Kermit. The crowd applauds.
Kermit	Wait a minute! Aren't you...
Lesley	I am your guest star!
Kermit	Oh, ladies and gentlemen, it's Lesley Ann Warren! Yaaay! (after applause) Uh, but wait a minute. You're not Lesley and Warren, you're Lesley Ann Warren, the actress, the dancer, the singer!
Lesley	(laughs) Thank you.
Kermit	So, how come you're doing a dumb knife-throwing act?
Lesley	Ya' know, Kermit, I thought you were the one person on this show who wasn't crazy?
Kermit	Me not crazy? I hired the others. Uh, bu-but, listen. Ju-just come backstage and we'll sort this whole thing out. In the meanwhilst, I'll leave you in the company of "The Great Gonzooooo!"
	Kermit leads Lesley out as the curtains open to a fanfare. Gonzo sits atop a motorcycle at the bottom of a ramp.
Gonzo	Eh...good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This evening, I will a feat of lunatic daring! Before your very eyes, I will ride this motorcycle, up this ramp and jump directing into that box, landing safely between those two elderly gentlemen.
Statler and Waldorf	What?!
Gonzo	Oh, I can assure you. You'll be in no danger.
Statler	You're right!
Waldorf	We'll be in Chicago! (both laugh)
Gonzo	For their own safety, uh, while they were dozing, I took the precaution of chaining them to their chairs!
	Statler and Waldorf try to move, but discover they're stuck.
Waldorf	Help!
Statler and Waldorf	Help!
Gonzo	On my mark...get set...go! (laughs) Woo!
	Gonzo rides the bike up the ramp, where it shorts out as it reaches the top.
Gonzo	Uh oh. (screams)
	Gonzo and his bike roll backwards off the ramp, crashing.
Statler	Hooray!
Waldorf	Bravo!
Statler	Wonderful!
Waldorf	Loved it!
Statler	Encore!

Backstage

	Backstage, Fozzie covers his eyes.
Fozzie	Oh, boy.
Kermit	Oh, good grief. First, I accentually introduce Lesley Ann Warren as a knife-throwing act and then, Gonzo does that. We are off to a crummy start.
	Gonzo rolls in on his motorcycle.
Gonzo	Oh, it's gonna be a great act, Kermit. But, something's wrong with my bike.
Kermit	Gonzo...
Gonzo	(futzing around with the bike) Maybe if I advance the spark...wha-ha!
	Gonzo's motorcycle takes off and goes down the stairs and out the stage door. Fozzie watches in shock.
Fozzie	Turn left! Turn left!
	Kermit covers his eyes and walks out.

"Beasty and the Beaut"

	Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit	Uh, uh, I'm sorry about that confusion before, folks. But, it is time now to bring out our very special guest star...
	A pair of cucumbers, Lesley and Warren, walk onstage.
Lesley	Well, here we are.
Warren	Ready to go on!
Kermit	What are you two doing out here?
Lesley	We're the very special guest stars.
Warren	Right! Lesley and Warren, the dancing cucumbers!
	The two dance a little as Kermit whimpers.
Warren	See? He's Lesley and I'm Warren.
Kermit	(stammers) Yeah, yeah. But, our special guest star is a big TV star that sings and dances and acts and does comedy!
Lesley	Yeah, but can she make salad?
Kermit	Will you two get out of here?!
	Kermit furiously chases the two offstage, then pops back in.
Kermit	Uh, uh, uh...ladies and gentlemen, Lesley Ann Warren.
	The curtain opens on an abstract castle set.
Announcer	An interpretation of Beauty and the Beast by Miss Lesley Ann Warren.
	Lesley stars in "Beasty and the Beaut," a ballet interpretation of Beauty and the Beast. Lesley happens upon a castle, which is home to a beast (Doglion). The two share a connection and dance together. Lesley must part and leaves him with a flower to remember her by. Heartbroken, the beast collapses. Time passes and Lesley returns, only to find her friend in a broken-hearted coma. She tries to help him recover, but to no avail. She kisses him, which not only revives him, but makes her a beast too; the two end the scene with a up-tempo, vaudevillian finale.
Waldorf	How do they do that?
	Statler's head transforms into Doglion's.
Statler	Do what?

Backstage

	Fozzie approaches Kermit at his desk.
Fozzie	Hey, Kermit? Kermit, Kermit.
Kermit	Hmm? What?
Fozzie	Hey, I got a message for ya' from Gonzo.
Kermit	Uh oh. What's the bad news?
Fozzie	Hmm? Oh, no, it's good news! Yeah. Gonzo has half of his motorcycle jump perfected.
	Gonzo's motorcycle begins revving elsewhere in the room.
Kermit	Which half?
Fozzie	The take-off.
Kermit	What about the landing?
Fozzie	Wha?
	Gonzo's motorcycle sails across the room and crashes on top of Kermit and Fozzie. The three rise up, disheveled. Gonzo is cross-eyed.
Gonzo	...the landing still needs work. (faints)

Pigs in Space

Announcer	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! When last we left the spaceship Swinetrek, it was about to pass through a shower of mysterious dummo rays.
Link	Dr. Strangepork, are "dummo rays" dangerous?
Strangepork	Well, not really, Link. They only affect creatures of very low intelligence.
Link	Miss Piggy.
Piggy	Hm?
Link	Maybe you better lock yourself in a closet 'til we pass through them. (snickers)
Piggy	Hmph. Très amusant, mon capitan. Hmm.
Link	Huh?
Strangepork	We should be starting through them now.
Piggy	Oh no!
Strangepork	Yes, there they are!
Piggy	Yes, oh no! Oh, oh, oh!
Link	Oh, look! It looks like it could...oh...oh...oh...
	A star-shaped, red beam passes through the bridge. Link is rendered motionless.
Strangepork	Ah, that's it. We're through them. (chuckles)
Piggy	Oh. Well, that wasn't so bad. Hmm!
Strangepork	Vell, I told you. You really have to be shtupid to be affected by dummo rays!
	Piggy notices Link's motionless body.
Piggy	...Link? (gasps) Oh, no. Su-ey! (gasps) Does that mean?
	Dramatic sting
Strangepork	Yes! But, the effect is only temporary. So, don't panic.
Piggy	Panic? Are you kiddin'? This is the change of a lifetime! I am taking over! Move it, fatso!
	Piggy pushes Link's body over and he falls to the floor.
Strangepork	But, Miss Piggy...
Piggy	Ha ha! Captain Piggy!
	Piggy pulls a lever and the bay window closes.
Piggy	Hang on, Strangepork, you're goin' for the ride of your life!
Strangepork	What?
	Piggy pulls another lever and the Swinetrek begins to pick up speed. Strangepork is flung into his chair.
Piggy	Woo-hoo! Hoo!
Strangepork	Captain Piggy! Link will be coming out of it in about ten seconds!
Piggy	Ten seconds?! Aw, rats! Oh...
	Piggy returns the ship to normal. Link rises up, holding his head and moaning.
Strangepork	I must warn you, Captain. Dummo rays have one side effect - the victim becomes a tap dancer!
Piggy	A what?
	Link begins to tap dance, humming "Tea for Two."
Piggy	I don't believe this. Where did he get those shoes?! Oh...
	Link begins to dance faster as Piggy walks out of the scene.
Strangepork	Oh, go Link! Yeah! (laughs) Oh, that's cute stuff.
Link	Come on in!
Strangepork	Yeah, cute stuff! (begins dancing too)
Announcer	Tune in next week and we'll try to have an explanation for this week's PIGS… IN… SPACE!

U.K. Spot

	Dr. Teeth plays "Mack the Knife."
Dr. Teeth	Oh, the shark has pretty teeth, dear And he shows them pearly white Just a jackknife has MacHeath, dear And he keeps it outta sight
	Sam the Eagle enters, reads some of the sheet music and stops the song.
Sam	Stop, stop! Stop, stop, stop! This is an appalling song of gore and violence.
Dr. Teeth	Well, uh, maybe you just don't understand it, Sam. It contains a lotta slang.
Sam	Hm. "A shark has pearly teeth dear" is slang?
Dr. Teeth	Eh, sure. Uh, "shark" is a term for man. Everybody knows that "teeth" is slang for money. (laughs)
Sam	Wh-uh...wh-wh-wh...what about that "jackknife" here, hmm, hmm?
Dr. Teeth	Uh, uh...Cockney rhyming slang!
Sam	...what?
Dr. Teeth	Jackknife, wife.
Sam	W-wh, all right, all right. But, "when the shark bites with his teeth, dear, scarlet billows start to spread?" Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?
Dr. Teeth	Let's see, uh..."biting" obviously means buying something. Scarlet billows...sofa pillows!
Sam	...so, the song, then, is about a man who has a wife for whom he buys...pillows.
Dr. Teeth	Exactly.
	Dr. Teeth resumes the song, as Sam attempts to grove along.
Dr. Teeth	On the sidewalk, Sunday morning Lies a body oozin' life Someone's sneakin' 'round the corner Is that someone Mack the Knife?!
Sam	I don't fully grasp it, but, I'm sure it's a lovely sentiment.
	Dr. Teeth finishes playing and laughs as Sam exits.

"Just the Way You Are"

Kermit	And now ladies and gentlemen, the beautiful and talented Lesley Ann Warren, accompanied by our very own Rowlf.
	The curtains open, instead revealing Marvin Suggs and the Muppaphone with their typical set dressing.
Marvin Suggs	Olé, olé, olé, olé, olé. Olé, s'ank you, s'ank you, Gracías and s'ank you!
	Lesley enters, confused.
Lesley	Oh, uh... (chuckles) Where's Rowlf? You're not Rowlf.
Marving Suggs	No! I am ze beloved Marvin Suggs-a. And zezé are my Muppaphones and we will accompany YOU.
Lesley	That's fine. But, uh, where is Rowlf?
Marvin Suggs	Who cares? Music, maestro! Oh, Marvin, you are so talented!
	The band begins to play. Marvin begins beating the Muppaphones to the tune of "The Blue Danube." Lesley is horrified.
Lesley	Oh no! Oh, these...oh...stop the music! Stop that music!
	The band silences as Lesley grabs Marvin's mallet.
Marvin Suggs	But, but...
Lesley	Please, Mr. Suggs, what are you doing?!
Marvin Suggs	Making a-beauuutiful music-a!
	Lesley picks up a shivering Muppaphone and strokes it.
Lesley	These little creatures are alive and you're hitting them!
Marvin Suggs	Of course zey are alive! You cannot make music by hitting DEAD creatures!
Lesley	But that's cruel.
Marvin Suggs	(mockingly) Oh, it is cruel. You not hear zem complaining, do you?
Muppaphones	(mumbling)
Marvin Suggs	SHUT UP!
	Rowlf rushes in.
Rowlf	Hey, listen, I'm sorry I'm late, but somebody locked me in my dressing room.
Lesley	Oh! Oh, who did it?
	Marvin turns away, innocently.
Rowlf	I'm not sure.
Muppaphone 1	(among mumbling) Uh, I saw Marvin go in the dressing...
Marvin Suggs	Shut up! I zink I will change your names to "The Finkaphones."
Rowlf	Tha-that's enough of that. Hey ca-can we strike this whole thing? Strike the set! Strike the Muppaphones!
Muppaphone 2	Oh!
Marvin Suggs	I would love to!
Muppaphone 2	You didn't have to say it like that!
	The Muppaphones are dragged offstage, as Marvin strikes them. The set piece and curtains are removed as well.
Rowlf	Uh, can we, uh, bring in the piano? And let me have some stars back there in the sky.
	Beauregard wheels in Rowlf's piano. Stars and color begin to fill the background.
Rowlf	There you go. Oh, good. Uh, thank-thank you, Beauregard. A little more light than that, actually, would be good.
Lesley	Oh, thank you.
Rowlf	We-we'll change the mood here and we'll come down.
Lesley	Please! Ohhh.
Rowlf	And, uh, we have a gorgeous little song here. (opens the keys)
Lesley	Yeah, it's one of my favorites.
Rowlf	Yeah, me too.
Lesley	Wow.
	Lesley sings "Just the Way You Are."
Lesley'	(hugging Rowlf) Oh, I love you!
Statler	You know, I really liked that.
Waldorf	Yeah, me too.
Statler	...are we in the right theater? (both laugh)

Gonzo's Act (part 2)

	Kermit enters.
Kermit	And now, for the second time this evening, the Great Gonzo will attempt a motorcycle jump off of this stage, into that box up there, landing safely between those two elderly gentlemen.
Statler	We're not afraid, we know Gonzo!
Waldorf	If at first you don't succeed, fail, fail again! (both laugh)
Kermit	And so, here he is now, ladies and gentlemen...
Gonzo	(from behind the curtain) I'm ready, Kermit!
Kermit	Yeah, I'm introducing you.
Gonzo	Introduce fast, I'm really ready!
Kermit	Okay, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!
	The curtains open just as Gonzo flies through them, crashing into Statler and Waldorf's box. The two duck.
Gonzo	There. That was easy, wasn't it?
Statler and Waldorf	Ohhh. (both faint)

"Last Dance"

	Various Muppets hang out at a discotheque. Link Hogthrob chats with a female, when Lesley groves in. Link notices her.
Link	Well, uh, hi there, good looking.
Lesley	What was that?
Link	Well, that was my snappy opening line. Sort of an ice breaker.
Lesley	Well, I'd, um, I'd hate to break perfectly good ice.
Link	Uh...what?
Lesley	(gasps) Wait a minute. Aren't you Link Hogthrob?
Link	Hmmm, the same.
Lesley	(giggles)
Link	I'm one of the stars of the show here. Uh, perhaps you've admired from afar?
Lesley	Oh...well, um, I'd really rather admire you from near.
Link	Um, what?
Lesley	Maybe while we dance?
Link	Oh. Well, uh, uh, actually, I'm not much of a dancer and, uh, and tonight's my night to go bowling and uh-
	Link tries to leave, but Lesley holds him back.
Lesley	Oh, oh, oh, no, please, it's the last dance.
Link	It is?
	Lesley beings to sing "Last Dance," starting off slowly flirting with Link. Once she reaches the dance floor, she rips off her dress, revealing a much less conservative one. She drags him to the floor and plays with his arms to make him dance. Eventually, the rest of the patrons join them on the floor.

Goodnights

	Kermit enters.
Kermit	Okay. Well, I think it's just about time we call it a show. So, it's a show. Anyhow, before we go, let's have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Lesley Ann Warren! Yaaay!
	Lesley enters to applause.
Lesley	Um, you were introducing me, right? Not the dancing cucumbers?
Kermit	Oh. I'm sorry about that, Lesley. I mean, who knew there was an act called Lesley and Warren.
	Three colorful characters, Les, Lee and Warren, enter.
Les	Are you kidding?!
Lee	Sure, everybody knows us - Les, Lee and Warren!
Warren	Yup, that's us! (chuckles)
Lesley	Oh, I get it. Uh, let me see...you're Les, you're Lee and you're Warren.
Lee	See? Yeah, uh, by the way, who's the lady?
Lesley	Oh!
Lee	She's pretty.
Kermit	Uh, uh, I'm sorry 'bout that, Lesley. We'll make it up to you somehow. And we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
	The Muppets gather around Lesley as the clothing theme plays. Up in the balcony, Gonzo's bike teeters on the edge of the box.
Waldorf	Ya' know, this show's beginning to roll.
Statler	So's the motorbike.
	The motorcycle falls out of the box, whistling as it crashes below. Gonzo pops through the hole in the balcony and watches in fright.
Gonzo	Oh!
	THE END