Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Harry Belafonte. Thirty seconds to curtain, Mr. Belafonte.
Harry Thank you, Scooter.
Scooter Say, uh, is everything all right?
Harry Oh, yeah, everything's okay. Except, you know, I haven't done the show yet, and already somebody started to put me down.
Scooter No! What do you mean?
Harry Just now I heard somebody outside my door say, "Don't go inside that dressing room. Crazy Harry's in there."
Scooter (laughs) Well, they didn't mean you. You see, Crazy Harry's a Mu… Crazy Harry?!
314-1
Crazy Harry appears behind them. He sets off an explosion, blowing Scooter away.

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Harry Belafonte! Yaaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Waldorf I've seen enough. Let's leave. (exits with Statler)
314-2
A small spot flies out of Gonzo’s trumpet, buzzing around his head like a bee.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause and reads from a paper.
Kermit Uh... "Thank you, thank you." Fozzie, this is not going to work.
Fozzie Just read off the page, frog.
314-3
Kermit Um... "Lagies and genglefens…" Lagies and genglefens?
Fozzie (comes onstage) Let's see.
Kermit It says Lagies and genglefens."
Fozzie All right. So my typing is bad. (exits)
Kermit "Lagies and genglefins, welcon again ti the Muppel Shox." Uh... "My name is Kermit the Forg." The Forg?
Fozzie Come on, pick up the pace. Here we go.
Kermit "And our spegial guest stap is the amazing Hapry Belaf…" That's Harry Belafonte, folks.
Fozzie Kermit, your timing must be off. You should be getting big laughs with that stuff.
Kermit screams and shoos Fozzie away.
Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Harry Belafonte!
Open on a dock setting with banana boxes. Harry stands near a parrot, singing acapella.
Harry

Daaaay-oh. Daaaay-oh.
Daylight come and me wan' go home.
Day … Me say day, me say day, me say day, me say day, me say day-ay-oh…
Daylight come and me wan' go home.

Fozzie That was beautiful.
Harry Thank you very much, but I'm not finished with the song yet.
Fozzie Oh, yeah, but boy, that was terrific. I — I bet you must have sang that song a bunch of times on TV, huh?
Harry No, no, as a matter of fact, this is the very first time.
Fozzie This here on The Muppet Show is the very first time you sang this…?
Harry The very first time. That's why it's very special to me.
Fozzie You bet it is, and to us, too. I'll tell you what. We're gonna do it up really perfect. Hey, pigs. Pigs, come on in.
Some pigs emerge.
Fozzie This — this is your pig chorus. Okay, and uh — and, I'll take care of everything else. Don't worry. This is gonna be great.
Harry Are you sure?
Fozzie … Trust me.
Harry sings with accompaniment.
Harry Work all night on a drink of rum.
Harry & others Daylight come and me wanna go home.
Harry Stack banana till the morning come.
Harry & others Daylight come and me wanna go home.
Harry Come mister tally man, tally me banana.
Harry & others Daylight come and me wanna go home.
Harry Come—
Fozzie Excuse me. I'm sorry. Excuse me. Uh, what is a tally man?
Harry What is what?
Fozzie A — tally man. You sang "tally man". What's that?
Harry Well... well, he's the boss. The tally man is the guy who counts the bananas as they go into the hole of the ship. Without him there's just — just no work. He's a very important man.
Fozzie Ahh! C-could I be a tally man?
Harry Sure.
Fozzie Oh, yeah? Well, terrific. (he dons a straw hat) Okay, here I am, the tally man, or the tally bear. Ahh! Okay, we got the tally bear, the boat, the chorus with the pigs and the parrot. Uh, okay, keep singing. This is gonna be great.
Harry Are you sure we have everything?
Fozzie Sure.
Harry How about the bananas?
Fozzie The what?
Harry Bananas. We need bananas. It's the Banana Boat Song. We have to have bananas.
Fozzie … Good thinking. Uh, I got just the man. Beauregard!
Beauregard Yes?
Fozzie Come here. You got a job. Uh, get bananas for this song.
Beauregard Okay. (rushes off)
Fozzie Okay. Go ahead. This is just gonna be great.
Harry He's gonna get the bananas?
Fozzie He's gonna get the bananas and the song's gonna be wonderful now.
Harry Are you sure?
Fozzie … Trust me.
Harry It's what you said the last time.
He stands up and sings.
Harry Come mister tally man, tally me banana.
Harry & others Daylight come and me wanna go home.
Beauregard brings a bag of onions.
Harry Come mister tally man, tally me banana.
Fozzie (stammers) Those are onions! Get bananas!
Harry & others Daylight come and me wanna go home.
Harry Lift six hand, seven hand, eight hand bunch.
Harry & others Daylight come and me wanna go home.
Beauregard brings some eggplants.
Harry Six hand, seven hand, eight hand bunch.
Harry & others Daylight come and me wanna go home.
Fozzie I don't even know what those are. Bananas — they're yellow. Go get the bananas! (to Harry) Keep singing.
Harry Day … me say day-oh.
Harry & others Daylight come and me wanna go home.
Harry Day … me say day-oh.
Harry & others Daylight come and me wanna go home.
Beauregard brings some pineapples. Fozzie hits him with his hat.
Fozzie Stop that. Beauregard! They're n- they're pineapples!
Harry A beautiful bunch of ripe banana.
Harry & others Daylight come and me wanna go home.
Fozzie What're you doing? They're pineapples! Don't you know what bananas are? (to Harry) I'm sorry, sir. Don't you understand?
Harry Hide the deadly black tarantula.
Tarantula Daylight come and me wanna go home.
Parrot No, no, no. I don't work with the deadly tarantula. I do all my own...
Commotion ensues among them all.
Harry Fellas, please. Wait, wait, wait, please. Oh, come on. Wait a minute, please. Look. Don't worry about the tarantula. Don't worry about the pineapples and the onions. Look — this is the first time I'm doing this song on television and I really would like to get it right. I'd like it to look good for all the people. Come on — won't you help me out? Let's pull together, okay?
Fozzie Okay, right, yeah.
Beauregard Sorry.
Harry Everybody ready, okay?
Parrot Okay.
Harry Just watch me, okay? It'll work.
Fozzie Y-y-you really think it'll work?
Harry Trust me.

I lift six hand, seven hand, eight hand bunch.

Harry & others

Daylight come and me wan' go home.
Six hand, seven hand, eight hand bunch.
Daylight come and me wan' go home.

Harry Come, mister tally man, tally me banana.
Harry & others Daylight come and me wan' go home.
Harry Come, mister tally man, tally me banana.
The music stops.
Harry & others Daylight come and me wan' go hooooome.
Harry Daaaaay-oh!
314-4
Harry & others Daaaaay-oh!
Harry Day-ay-ay-oh.
Harry & others Day-ay-ay-oh.
Harry Daylight come and me wan' go home.
Harry & others Daylight come and me wan' go home.
Harry Day!
Others (haphazardly) Day!
Harry Once again, please… Day!
Others (haphazardly) Day!
Harry Can we — can we do it all together?
Fozzie Yes, sir, I'm sorry.
Harry Here we go. Day!
Others (haphazardly) Day!
Harry All right. Me say day, me say day, me say day, me say day, me say day-ay-ay-oh.
Others (fumbling) Me say day, me say day, me say day…
Parrot How many is that?
Fozzie Seven of 'em, I think. Me say day-oh…
Harry HOOH! … (conducts)
Harry & others Daylight come and me wan' go home.
314-5
Applause. Sweetums wheels out a giant bunch of bananas. Harry grins.
Statler That Banana Boat's a wonderful number.
Waldorf Yeah, and look what they did to it.
Statler (laughs)
Waldorf I have a good mind to go home.
Statler If you had a good mind you wouldn't be here in the first place.
They chuckle.

Backstage

The parrot passes by with a pig.
Kermit Okay, nice number, nice number.
Pig (RH) (to parrot) We got some crackers in the kitchen.
Beauregard (holding some bananas) Hey, Kermit, I always thought these was peachies.
Kermit Hoo boy.
Fozzie Hey, hey, watch out, Kermit. Beauregard, watch out. (arrives at the typewriter) Uh, let's see. Uh, where was I here, where was I?
Kermit (through the intercom) Rowlf and Lew Zealand on stage for the musical moment.
Fozzie Uh, that's it, the musical moment. Yeah. (starts typing)
Kermit Fozzie, what are you doing with this typewriter on my table?
Fozzie Kermit, I am writing the script for this week's show.
Kermit But — what makes you think the show needs a script?
Fozzie Oh, Kermit, come on. Every show has a script. Yeah, that way you leave nothing to chance. (to Rowlf and Lew) Hey, guys, guys, hey, hey, hey. (hands them the page from the typewriter) Here is the musical moment for this week.
314-6
Rowlf Uh... "Curtains open. Lew Zeeland and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close."
Fozzie "Close."
Rowlf shrugs. He and Lew go onstage.
Fozzie Go get 'em!
Kermit You leave nothing to chance, huh?
Fozzie Trust me.

"Tea for Two"

314-7
A fanfare plays as the curtain opens on Rowlf and Lew at a piano.
Lew Zealand Do you know "Tea for Two"?
Rowlf "Tea for Two"? I know it backwards.
Lew Zealand Oh, good, 'cause that's the way we want to hear it.
Rowlf Good, 'cause that's the way I'm gonna sing it. (plays)

wot rof aet…

Lew Zealand And aet rof wot…
Rowlf Uoy rof em…
Lew Zealand And em rof uoy…
Both Ees uoy tnac, yppah woh ew lliw eb?
Applause.
Lew Zealand (laughs) Much very you thank.
Rowlf Mine was pleasure the.

Pigs in Space

Announcer And now, time once again for PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Open on the Swinetrek interior. Piggy notices Strangepork with a strange ray-gun-like device. Strange.
Miss Piggy What's old stupid doing?
Link Hogthrob I'm not doing a thing.
Miss Piggy (sarcastic) Well! He answers when called. Ahem. Not you, stupid, dear. The, uh, the stupid on the end.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Oh, yes, I'm perfecting my dissolvatron.
Miss Piggy Ooh, what is that? What does it do?
Dr. Julius Strangepork It does this.
He points it at Piggy's beverage cup, and it vanishes.
Dr. Julius Strangepork (laughs) And, it does this.
314-8
He points it at the table, and the cup re-materializes. He drinks Piggy's beverage.
Miss Piggy Hey, you!
Link Hogthrob What a wonderful trick. Do that again. … Hm?
Dr. Julius Strangepork (finishes drinking) Ahh! Well, it's very simple, Link. You see, this ray dissolves anything I point it at.
He points it at Link and Piggy, who vanish.
Miss Piggy Watch it! Don't do that …
Dr. Julius Strangepork Hah. And, then it will un-dissolve you thusly.
He brings them back.
Dr. Julius Strangepork (laughs) And there you are.
Miss Piggy (with Link's voice) Exactly as we were before. (notices she sounds funny)
Link Hogthrob (with Piggy's voice) Uh, maybe not exactly.
Miss Piggy (with Link's voice) Bu— but this is terrible. I can't live my life being you.
Link Hogthrob (with Piggy's voice) Ha! You think you got troubles!
Miss Piggy (with Link's voice) Heh … of course, I am kind of cute this way.
Link Hogthrob (with Piggy's voice) Hey, watch it, watch it. Don't you dare touch you!
Miss Piggy (with Link's voice) Strangepork, this is all your fault.
Link Hogthrob (with Piggy's voice) Yeah, yeah! What do you have to say for yourself?
Dr. Julius Strangepork (with Janice's voice) Ew. This is a bummer. I mean, rully.
Janice enters.
Janice (with Strangepork's voice) Something has gone wrong with my dissolvatron.
Dr. Julius Strangepork (with Janice's voice) Oh, this is definitely not my scene.
Miss Piggy (with Link's voice) Oh, Kermie. Kermie! Help! Where are you, Kermie?
Kermit and the Swedish Chef enter, also with switched voices.
Kermit (mock Swedish)
Link Hogthrob (with Piggy's voice) Kermie!
Swedish Chef (with Kermit's voice) That does it. Uh, the sketch is cancelled. Kill the lights. Uh, strike the scenery. Curtain!
The curtain closes.

UK spot

314-9
Zoot and Floyd play "Honeysuckle Rose", but are bothered by a bee. Zoot eventually sucks the bee in through his saxophone, spitting it out at the end of the song.

Animal's drum battle

314-10 314-11
Harry and Animal perform a call-and-response drum battle. At the end, they both collapse.

Backstage

Fozzie, still typing, notices that his tie has gotten stuck in the typewriter.
Fozzie Oh, no. (tugs it) Oh, no! Oh! This is so embarrassing. (he pulls harder) I wonder if this ever happened to Neil Simon. Oh, boy.
Rowlf Hey, Fozzie.
Fozzie Oh! Hi. Hi, Rowlf.
Rowlf How's it going?
Fozzie Oh, well, gosh, I, uh... I, uh... Um...
Rowlf You're stuck, huh?
Fozzie Yeah.
Rowlf Listen, it happens to all writers.
Fozzie This does?
314-12
Rowlf Sure. It's what's called "writer's block".
Fozzie Oh! Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
Rowlf Y'know, where you can't come up with the next line.
Fozzie Yes, well, I, uh, I can't come up with the next line.
Rowlf Well, maybe I can help.
Fozzie Mm.
Rowlf Let me see what you last wrote here.
314-13
Rowlf yanks the paper from the typewriter and pulls Fozzie’s tie through with it.

Muppet Sports

The opening montage plays.
Louis Kazagger Hello, sports fans! Louis Kazagger bringing you the wild world of Muppet sports. You join us today for the start of the 100-meter blindfold sprint.
Angle on the finalists.
Louis Kazagger And the finalists are on their marks. And they can't see a thing. … Not even the starting flag. So, we'll try the pistol.
The pig referee fires a pistol, and the runners start running in different directions and knocking each other down.
Louis Kazagger And there they go! And there, and there, and over there! Yes, #0 — ah! — knocked down by #2. He's up again. #7 looking like a man of action. #0 knocked down again, this time by #6! 0 off to the side, 6 is off. Here comes 2 looking very far back, but #7 is quite good. I think he's found it! I think he's found the finish mark! Here they come, ladies and gentlemen!
314-14
#7 detects the finish line and tries to run through it, but ends up getting tangled in the poles.
Louis Kazagger And we have a winner! … And we need a stretcher!
Two blindfolded medics rush to his aid, but to no avail.
Louis Kazagger Uh, uh, back to the regular program. Uh …
Statler I think that number raises a pertinent question.
Waldorf What's that?
Statler Why did they do it?
They chuckle.

"Turn the World Around"

Fozzie and Harry sit in the dressing room.
Harry How's the writing going, Fozz?
Fozzie Oh, boy, I didn't know it would be that tough, Harry. Well — you know. You write a lot of stuff.
Harry No, not really. No — well, I write songs.
Fozzie Oh, yeah, they're terrific too. Hey — how do you get ideas for all those songs?
Harry Well, they don't come easily. You have to get inspired.
Fozzie Hmm.
Harry Like the song we're gonna do next.
Fozzie Uh-huh.
Harry I discovered that song in Africa. I was in a county called Guinea. And I went deep into the interior of the county, and in a little village I met with a storyteller.
African music slowly fades in as the other Muppets gather around him.
314-15
Harry And that storyteller went way back into African tradition, and African mythology, and began to tell this story about the fire …
Fozzie Uh huh.
Harry … which means the sun, and about the water, and about the earth. And he pointed out that all of these things, put together, turn the world around. And that all of us, we're here for a very, very short time. And in that time that we're here, there really isn't any difference in any of us, if we were to take time out to understand each other. And uh, the question is, do I know who you are? Do you know who I am? Do we care about each other? 'Cause if we do, together we can … turn the world around.
314-16
Four African masked dancers enter to join Harry in singing "Turn the World Around". The Muppets join him in the end.

Goodnights

Kermit Well, it — it's been such a great show, that we can hardly bring ourselves to end it. And we all know who we have to thank for that.
314-17
Fozzie The scriptwriter!
Kermit No, no, the guest star, Fozzie. And so, thank you from all of us, Mr. Harry Belafonte!
Applause.
Harry This is the greatest group of singers I've ever worked with! To the Muppets! Night, all.
Kermit Hey, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Harry and the Muppets, including Statler and Waldorf, continue singing the chorus over the credits.
Atv zoot
THE END

Ad blocker interference detected!


Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.