Episode 313: Helen Reddy/transcript

Goodnights

[knocking]

Helen Reddy? Thirty seconds to curtain,

Miss Reddy.

OK, Scooter. I'll be there.

Ready or not.

Yeah... did you mean to make that joke?

Well, I meant to make that joke

before someone else did.

You think we'd stoop that low?

Hey, three to get ready!

Lower.

[drum roll]

It's The Muppet Show

with our vey special guest star,

Miss Helen Reddy. Yay!

[applause and whistles]

1. It's time to play the music

It's time to light the light

1. It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

1. It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

1. It's time to get things started

1. Why don't you get things started?

Hey! There's chickens in our seat!

Shoo!

1. It's time to get things started

1. On the most sensational, inspirational

1. Celebrational, Muppetational

1. This is what we call

The Muppet Show! #

Itinkling notes]

- [applause]

- Thank you, thank you.

And welcome again to rhe Muppet Show.

Hey, we've got a terrific show tonight.

Our special guest is one of the world's

greatest singing talents, Helen Reddy.

But right now,

we whisk you back through time and space

to the Palace of Versailles,

where Marie Antoinette

bears a striking resemblance

to our own Miss Piggy.

[classical music plays]

(# Stayin' AliveI

1. Well, you can tell by the way

I use my walk

1. I'm a woman

No time to talk

1. Music loud and I am warm

1. I've been kicked around

since I was born

1. And now it's all right, it's OK

And you may look the other way

1. We can ty to understand

1. rhe New York Times' enect on man

1. Whether you're a brother

or whether you're a mother

1. You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive

1. Feel the city breakin'

and everybody shakin'

1. And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive

1. Ah, ha, ha, ha

Stayin' alive, stayin' alive

1. Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' ali...

_ ...i...

- _ ...ive

- # Ohh

1. Life goin' nowhere

1. Somebody help me

1. Somebody help me, yeah

1. Life goin' nowhere

1. Somebody help me, yeah

1. Stayin' alive

[all shouting]

1. Whether you're a brother

or whether you're a mother

1. You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive

1. Feel the city breakin'

and everybody shakin'

1. And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive

1. Ah, ha, ha, ha

Stayin' alive, stayin' alive

1. Ah, ha, ha, ha

1. Stayin' alive #

Well, I'll say this for them.

- What's that?

- They don't show favoritism.

They offend everyone.

Aw, come on. Let us eat cake!

Let us eat cake!

Not only historically wrong,

but hysterically wrong.

- Sacré bleu!

- What does that mean?

Sacred blue.

What a mess this place is.

Beauregard, I've got a job for you.

- Oh, good.

- Just look at this mess.

OK. That sounds easy enough.

Beauregard, the floor needs sweeping.

There's a broom around here someplace.

- Oh, yes, there it is.

- Well, well, step on it.

OK.

[grunts]

- Hey, that's a neat trick.

- Beauregard, use some elbow grease!

Elbow grease?

[creaking]

Why didn't I think of that?

And now, it's an honor to have one of

the world's greatest recording stars,

and here she is, swinging up a storm

at an informal session

in the Muppets' private studio,

Iadies and gentlemen, Helen Reddy!

One, mo.

One, mo, three...

[soft melody playing]

1. When you can't find a friend

1. And the road doesn't seem to end

1. And you're lonesome

1. The whole day through

1. How can you be happy?

1. How can you be smiling?

1. How can you be anything

1. But low down saggy and blue?

Hey, Roger, how's the balance?

Animal's a little too loud on the drums.

Oh, OK. Hey, Animal. Animal!

[muffled shouting]

1. How can you be smiling?

1. How can you be singing?

1. How can you be anything

1. But low down saggy and blue?

1. I look around and see

the sweet life eve_here

1. I watch the cookie bushes shining

1. In the sun

1. The smell of sweet vanilla living

1. Blows in every breath of air

1. Doesn't anybody want me?

1. Doesn't anybody care?

1. When you're wrinkled and cold

1. And your fortune has all been told

1. And you're nobody's

1. I love you

1. How can you be happy?

1. How can you be singing?

1. How can you be anything

1. But low down saggy and blue?

1. Sad but true

How can you be happy?

1. How can you be singing?

1. How can you be anything

1. But low down saggy

and rag bag baggy

1. And blue? #

- [applause]

- [drums banging]

You know, if I had a voice like Helen

Reddy, l'd never be on rhe Muppet Show.

Right. If you had a voice

like Helen Reddy,

you'd be in a side show!

Ah, hey, vey good, Beauregard,

it really looks great.

You've swept it spotless

and polished it, too.

Well, I couldn't find any elbow grease.

- I expect not.

- So I used axle grease.

[shouting]

- Whoa!

- [dish shatters]

Brother!

Beauregard, what kind of an idiot

are you?

Well, I didn't know there was a choice.

- Floyd, watch out!

- Huh? Whoa!

What a drag.

[stammers]

[shouts]

Uh, Beauregard, how do you manage

to stay upright?

Well, I'm wearing these special shoes.

- You want to borrow them?

- I can't get anyplace without them.

- Good.

- OK.

I got to get my flippers

into these slippers.

These are non-slippers.

Yeah. OK, what is the secret

of these miracle shoes?

Oh, there's no secret.

I just nailed them to the floor.

Whoa.

Whoa.

- [knocking]

- [Animal and Swedish Cheq Helen!

- Come in. Come in.

- [both shouting] Helen!

[Animal] Thank you!

[chattering]

[Chef hums]

[both] # Happy Birthday to you

1. Happy Birthday to you

- # Happy Birthday dear Helen...

- Wait. Wait.

There's been some mistake.

Today is not my birthday.

Huh?

1. Jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle all the way

And so my great Uncle Beauregard

said to me, he said,

Beauregard, you go into

show business and you'll clean up.

You know something?

He was right.

You're named Beauregard after him?

About years after.

- [Kermit] Beauregard!

- Oh! I'm working! I'm working.

That's what I was afraid of.

Stop polishing.

- I've only done a little bit.

- Get off! Off, off, off, off!

[stammers] Now, ladies and gentlemen,

we are going to have a brilliant dance

number by Fozzie Bear and friends.

But, uh, excuse me one second. Fozzie?

Yeah, yeah. What?

Be careful, there is a slippey

place on the stage out here.

- Where is that?

- I don't know. Right around here...

Thank you.

[stammers] Curtain!

Whoa!

- [music plays]

- [applause]

A-ha.

- Whoa!

- [crashing]

Uh, be careful, there's a wet spot

right here on the stage.

[chuckles]

Careful. It's right there,

it's right there.

Terrific, guys. You look great.

Whoa!

Uh, guys, be careful,

there's a place right here.

Watch out, there's a wet place!

Watch out, right there!

What the...?

Whoa!

Go to the front,

I'll go back here.

Hey! Whoa!

[shouting and crashing]

[reporter] Here is a Muppet News Flash.

Dateline Silver Spring, Mayland.

At this vey moment, Mr. and Mrs.

George Laser of Silver Spring,

are attempting to break the record

for over-hand refrigerator throwing.

And...

[classical music]

[hums along]

[statue snoring]

[plays loudly]

- [plays softly]

- [hums along]

- Don't hum.

- Yes, sir.

[snoring]

[applause]

You know, Helen, you did a song about,

um, oh, I don't know,

a few years ago, it's one of my

vey favorite songs of all time.

Really? Which one was it?

Well, it was called

You and Me Against the World.

Oh, sure. That was a song

I did with my daughter.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

- You did it with your daughter?

- Mm-hmm.

Well, uh, do you suppose that, um,

you could do it with a frog?

- You mean just you and me?

- Mm-hmm.

I think so.

(# You and Me Against the Worl_

1. You and me against the world

1. Sometimes it feels like

1. You and me against the world

1. When all the others

1. Turn their backs and walk away

1. You can count on me to stay

1. Remember when the circus

came to town

1. And you were frightened by the clown

1. Wasn't it nice to be around

1. Someone that you knew

1. Someone who was big and strong

1. And looking out for you

1. And me against the world

1. Sometimes it feels like

1. You and me against the world

1. And for all the times we've cried

1. I always felt

that God was on our side

1. And when one of us is gone

1. And one of us is left to cary on

1. Then remembering will have to do

1. Our memories alone will get us through

1. Think about the days of me and you

1. You and me against

1. The world #

- Hey, Beau?

- Yes, sir?

I see the floors are no longer slippey.

Oh, well, that's probably because Kermit

told me to spread a little sand around.

A little sand?

Somebody ought to teach you

the meaning of a little, though.

- I don't believe this!

- [camel howls]

- You believe that?

- [howling]

[announcer] And now,

Veterinarian's Hospital.

The continuing stoy

of a quack who's gone to the dogs.

- Hubba hubba.

- Oh! Mmm.

So, where's the next patient?

Oh, right here, Dr. Bob.

Oh. Oh, look at that. He looks cold.

We'd better turn up the heat.

Dr. Bob, those are not

earmuffs he's wearing.

He was in the recording studio.

Don't you know about headsets?

Of course. The head sets on the neck,

the neck sets on the shoulders.

[nurses groan]

I learned that the first year

in doctor class.

Dr. Bob, have you forgotten

about the patient?

No, the patient is the one who's sick.

I learned that the second year.

No, Dr. Bob, this patient.

He's lost his hearing.

Well, maybe he dropped it some place.

I'll look under the table.

What kind was it? A clip on

or one of those pierce jobs?

Not his earring, his hearing, Dr. Bob.

This man can't hear anything.

[scoffs] He's lucky.

I've heard every dumb word.

Well, let's get these off.

[grunting]

- There we go.

- Can you hear me?

Of course I can hear you.

- Not you, him.

- How can I hear him?

He hasn't said a word.

lf Florence Nightengale had to put up

with this she'd have been a waitress.

Well, I can't do anything

about his hearing now.

- Call me tomorrow.

- No, Dr. Bob.

- You're responsible for his ears.

- Hmm.

You're right. Call me ear responsible.

- # Call me...

- [nurses groan]

[announcer] And so we come to the end

of another Veterinarian's Hospital.

Tune in next week

when you'll hear Dr. Bob say:

Ah, no wonder he can't hear anything.

He has a little drum in there,

it'll have to come out.

No, no, no. That's his ear drum.

That stays.

What about the tiny little piano

and bass?

[nurses groan]

(# Tie Me Kangar_ Down, Sport

1. Tie me kangaroo down, sport

Tie me kangaroo down

1. Tie me kangar_ down, mate

Tie me kangaroo down

1. All together now!

1. Tie me kangaroo down, sport

Tie me kangaroo down

1. Tie me kangar_ down, mate

Tie me kangaroo down

1. Tie me kangar_ down

Tie me kangaroo down

1. Tie me kangaroo down #

[all shouting]

Well, uh, no more sand.

And the slipperiness is gone.

Hey, nice goin', guys!

Way to go.

Well, that takes care of the sand.

Yep. And I'm glad to be rid of it.

Yeah, I swept all the sand out of here.

- Now, where did you put it?

- Next door.

But that's the stage!

- What are we gonna do?

- What can we do?

Uh, get some costumes.

Scooter! Get a couple of tents.

Fozzie, a palm tree.

- [all talking]

- Bring back that camel!

- Camel!

- Lucky I happen to have a palm tree.

Uh, and now once again,

Iadies and gentlemen,

our vey special guest star...

Uh, are you ready back there?

- [monster] No, we're not ready.

- Oh... I'll tell you about Helen Reddy.

[monster] I said we weren't ready.

- I wasn't talking to you.

- [monster] OK, we're ready.

[stammers] Uh, ladies and gentlemen,

Helen Reddy. I hope this works.

(# We'll Sing in the SunshineI

1. We'll sing in the sunshine

1. We'll laugh every day

1. We'll sing in the sunshine

1. Then I'll be on my way

1. I will never love you

1. The cost of love's too dear

1. But though I'll never love you

1. I'll stay with you for a year

1. And we can sing in the sunshine

1. We'll laugh everyday

1. We'll sing in the sunshine

1. Then I'll be on my way

1. I'll sing to you each morning

1. I'll kiss you every night

1. But darlin' don't cling to me

1. I'll soon be out of sight

1. But we can sing in the sunshine

1. We'll laugh everyday

1. We'll sing in the sunshine

1. Then I'll be on my way

1. We'll sing in the sunshine

1. We'll laugh every day

1. We'll sing in the sunshine

1. Then I'll be on my way

1. Then I'll be on my way

1. Then I'll be on my way #

[applause]

Now we could go on like this for hours

but we've grown to like you,

so we'll stop.

But not before we say thank you

to our wonderFul guest star,

Helen Reddy. Yay!

Thank you, Kermit. I can't tell you how

much I enjoyed working with a camel.

Oh, you say you enjoyed it?

I said I can't tell you that.

Hey, lady... you like him?

He's yours.

Good grief. What's his name?

- Sopwith.

- Sopwith, the camel?

We'll see you next time

on The Muppet Show.

Just as I thought.

- What's that?

- After this show, nothing hurts.