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Episode 312: James Coco/transcript

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Cold open


Opening number


Fozzie's fortune


"Eight Little Notes"

UK spot


The Swedish Chef


"Catch a Falling Star"


Veterinarian's Hospital


"Short People"


James Coco? James Coco? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Coco.

Thank you. Would you tell wardrobe I'd like this jacket pressed?

Sure. Hey, wardrobe, press that jacket. Anything else?

No. Nothing. Nothing at all. Everything's just perfect. Really.

[drum roll]

It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, James Coco! Yaaay!


  1. It's time to play the music

It's time to light the light

  1. It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

  1. It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

  1. It's time to get things started
  1. Why don't you get things started?

Here's your script. Whoa!

  1. It's time to get things started
  1. On the most sensational, inspirational
  1. Celebrational, Muppetational
  1. This is what we call

The Muppet Show! #

Thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show where our guest star tonight is the wonderful and talented Mr. James Coco. But first we're going to open tonight's show with an underwater fantasy. So, without more ado, Iast one in is a sissy.

Well, that was different.

Did you like it?


Then it wasn't different.

Did you get any water on the stage, boss?

Yeah, but it's OK. The next act will take care of it. OK, dancing sponges, you're on.

Smart thinking.

How was I, Kermie?

You were great, Piggy.

Thank you, Kermie. You know, I really like the water.

Well, I'm glad.

Mm-hmm. Which means after we're married, we can live at your place.

Um... yeah.

Kermie, would you help me take this mermaid outfit off?

You want me to undo the zipper here?

Back there, the zipper.

Ohh! Oh, what a relief. Thank you.

Oh! Don't look, don't look.

No peeking.

Did you get the stage all dried up?

Oh, I think so.


And now, our very special guest star, James Coco, portraying a medium who will attempt to predict the future of a character who has no future. Curtain.

Boy, oh, boy, am I ever excited. l've never been to a real gypsy clairvoyant.

They say that for ten dollars he'll read your mind.

l wonder what he'd see in mine.

Three dollars change.

Are you Dr. Coco, the happy medium?

That's right.


And you are...

You are...

...Fozzie Bear!

And I am seasick.

Thank you, thank you.


l've got to know one thing.

Yes, I can.

Can you predict the future?

I just did.


l want to know what my future in romance will be.

Let me see...if my cystal ball will speak to me.



Bad news.

What? What? What?

lt spoke to me. Do you see a tall, cute stranger?

Could be taller. Could be cuter. But it couldn't be stranger.

Hi, Fozzie.

Beauregard, l want to get my future told. l want to get my head out.

l just want to get on with this sketch.

But... but... but you're a medium.

Are you kidding? Medium? I'm an extra large.

Howdy, y'all. Are you the senior citizens of Abilene?


Uh. No, no, no. No, no.

Oh, shucks. I'm Chester Pugh. I'm due to show up at their seance.

Are you late?

Of course. I'm the late Chester Pugh.


Better late than never.

But this isn't even a real seance.

It isn't?

Well, hold... Wait, wait.

Jimmy, you mean he's not part of the sketch?

[whispers] No. This is a show.

A show? Well, say, I'd like to say hello to Maw and Paw and all the night shift down at Schneider's. And this one's for everybody on the other side.

(# Danny BoyI

  1. Oh, Danny boy
  1. The pipes, the pipes are callin'


No good.


Just no rhythm, no pace.

  1. And down the mountainside

Not even good looking.



Jimmy, is this supposed to go this way?

Of course not.

l didn't know we'd get a real ghost.

Oh, look!

Help, help!

The table is levitating.

Beauregard, watch out.

You're gonna get killed!

No. I'm gonna get lunch.

  1. And I must bide

Well, what do we do now?

  1. But l'll be here
  1. In sunshine or in shadow
  1. Oh, Danny boy

Oh, Danny boy

  1. I love you so #

What was that?

It's called The Medium Sketch.

The Medium Sketch?

Yeah. It wasn't rare and it certainly wasn't well done.

That was disgusting. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Oh! That sketch was the last straw. That does it. I am leaving.


Don't you have anything to say to me before I go?

Oh, yeah. On your way out, would you empty the garbage?


l have spent my last moment in this theater.

Oh, that's too bad, Sam. You're gonna miss my tribute to Beethoven.

l don't care. As long as... Beethoven?


Are you serious?

Would I joke about Beethoven? He's my idol. See?

Oh! Beethoven, at last. Oh, well, for Beethoven l'll stay.

He's my favorite playwright.

  1. One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight

  1. All he had was eight little notes
  1. Just eight little notes
  1. But, oh
  1. What Mr. B did with

do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do

  1. Though all he used

were eight little notes

  1. Just eight,

count 'em, eight like these

  1. He'd mix and match and hatch a batch
  1. Of catchy melodies
  1. Now, I could take two notes

and come up with nothing of note

  1. Mr. B took a G
  1. And a flattened E
  1. And wrote...

[plays notes from fifth Symphony

Wasn't that fantastic?

  1. Though all he had

was eight little notes

  1. Just eight little notes like these
  1. Which goes to show
  1. That one man's scale

is another man's symphonies

[playing Ode to Joy

Oh, yeah.

[humming in tune to Ode tfi _oyI

  1. Yet, all he had

was eight little notes

  1. Just eight little notes, just eight
  1. But he wrote nine symphonies
  1. And also some great
  1. Quartets, quintets,

fugues and cantatas

  1. Plus some opera and a few cantatas
  1. Using only eight little notes

in a row

  1. Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do
  1. Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do
  1. Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do
  1. Do, ti, la, so, fa, mi, re, do #

OK, Robin, time to go to sleep.

But I can't, Uncle Kermit.

I'm afraid of snakes.

Snakes? Snakes? Well, um... Well, th-th-there aren't any snakes around here.

Unless they're under the bed.

No, no, no snakes under the bed.

This really isn't helping, Uncle Kermit.

Oh. Well, listen, Robin. lf you just close your eyes and think about it, why, snakes can be very beautiful.

You know, Uncle Kermit, snakes are really very nice.

Thank you.

Uh, you're welcome.

OK. Set up the kitchen. The Swedish Chef is on next.

Oh, Kermit, you have a terrific show here.

Oh, oh, thank you, James.

It's not exactly Broadway...

Oh, you mean with all the girls and the glitter and the razzle dazzle?

Yeah, I guess so. You don't need it. This show moves. It's got pace, pace, pace. Know what I mean?


You got it. You only need razzle dazzle if you've got a dull, slow moving act. But I have been watching this show. lt is dynamic. lt is full of sex appeal. It is fast paced. You do not need razzle dazzle. You have...

[singing slowly in mock Swedish]

What is that?

Uh... the next act.

You need razzle dazzle. Look, get some musicians, chorus girls, dancers, anything that moves.

Quick! Quick!

Yes, I'm on my way. I'm on my way.

Hurry, Kermit.

What can I do about the lights?

Switch. There we go.

Uh, wrong one.


[singing in mock Swedish]

[speaking in mock Swedish]

[# Mexican Hat Dance]

Where is the banana-nana?

Banana split?

[shouting in mock Swedish]


Banana-nana, banana-nana...

Banana peel. Banana peel.



And now, banana split.

Well, the Chef's done it again.

Done what?


ls he gonna be all right?

l doubt it. He never has been.

Well, what's next?

Let's see. Um... A singer.

Oh, good. Now we can relax. Singing is always good. Music is terrific.

  1. Catch a falling star
  1. And put it in your pocket

Kermit, we have a lot of work to do.

(# Catch A Falling Sta_

  1. Catch a falling star
  1. And put it in your pocket
  1. Save it for a rainy day
  1. For love may come

and tap you on the shoul...

Hey, your pants are on fire.

  1. One star that

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

No, uh... uh...

Ooh! Ow! Ow!


Well, um, you can't win 'em all.

I'd settle for a tie.

Oh! Ah! Ooh! Ah!

What did you guys do to me? l almost got killed out there.

Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ow!


What's next?

Let's see... Veterinarian's Hospital.

Veterinarian's Hospital?

Yeah, it's this part where we tell bad jokes and, uh...

And it's death.


l have just the thing that will liven it up. It never fails.

Oh, yeah?


Girls? Oh, yeah.

Just say it. Girls.


[announcer] Time now for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.

Say cheese.

Close enough.

Rowlf, Rowlf, Rowlf.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, now, yes, nurse. Tell me, what's wrong with this patient.

Dr. Bob, he has acute appendicitis.

l don't care how cute it is. It has to come out.

Music, lights, dancers. Quick!

Dr. Bob, how can you concentrate with those girls dancing by?

Easy. I never take my eyes off them. Bring on the girls, quick!

Here they come again.

That's the girls?

Dr. Bob, why do they keep dancing that way?

That's the way they get their kicks.

Wow. I'd love to be on Broadway.

Yeah. I can see your name in lights.

Twenty-five watts.

Twenty-five watts?

That's not very bright.

Look who's talking.

This is good.

This is excellent.

l've changed my mind. l am not taking out the appendix.

What are you taking out?

The blonde on the end.

And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say...

Dr. Bob, you cannot go out with a chorus girl. What about the patient?

Why should I go out with someone who's sick?

Any luck?

Nope. I checked all the doors. They got us locked in.


Kermit, what's with those showgirls?

We just kind of threw them in.

Yeah? Well, throw them out.

Um, yeah.

Kermit, I'm ready for my closing number.

Oh? Oh, good.

Listen, I realize things have been a little ragged so far, but wait till you see the closing number we have planned. It's a wonderful thing. We have staircases and waterfalls. We have colored lights and wind machines and chorus girls.

Does your shaking your head mean what I think it does?

That's right. I'd really like... I'd like a change of pace. I'd like to do something simple. Something small.

Closing numbers are big extravaganzas.

No, no, no. They're small. Small, Kermit. Small.


Yeah, but usually...

No, Kermit... Really small.

Really small?

Yeah, small. Trust me.


Just introduce me.

Kermit, you're gonna love it. l promise you, you're gonna love it. Just introduce me.


Here, once again, ladies and gentlemen, is our guest star, James Coco, in a very small gigantic finale. Hit it, guys.

[# Short Peopleh

Hi, guys.

You look gorgeous.


l hope I haven't offended you. l was short once myself.

Hi, shorty.

Well, I think we've just about come down to the end of another one because the next thing I'm going to do is ask our guest star to say good night. Mr. James Coco. Yeah!

Ah, Kermit, thank you. l really enjoyed myself tonight.

I'm glad. I just loved your number with the short people.

You don't think they resented it?

Oh, no. They loved it. Right, short people?

You were wonderful, all of you.

[man] Thank you, Jimmy.

Whoa! Hey, hey! Put me down. Put me down!

We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

Well, shall we leave?

Why should we leave now? The worst part's over.

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