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Episode 312: James Coco/transcript

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Cold open

Theme

Opening number

Backstage

Fozzie's fortune

Backstage

"Eight Little Notes"

UK spot

Backstage

The Swedish Chef

Backstage

"Catch a Falling Star"

Backstage

Veterinarian's Hospital

Backstage

"Short People"

Goodnights

[knocking on door]

James Coco? James Coco?

Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Coco.

Thank you. Would you tell wardrobe

I'd like this jacket pressed?

Sure. Hey, wardrobe, press that jacket.

Anything else?

No. Nothing.

Nothing at all.

Everything's just perFect. Really.

[drum roll]

It's The Muppet Show with our

vey special guest star, James Coco.

Yeah!

[applause]

  1. It's time to play the music

It's time to light the light

  1. It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

  1. It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

  1. It's time to get things started
  1. Why don't you get things started?

Here's your script. Whoa!

  1. It's time to get things started
  1. On the most sensational, inspirational
  1. Celebrational, Muppetational
  1. This is what we call

The Muppet Show! #

[squeaking]

Thank you, thank you

and welcome again to The Muppet Show

where our guest star tonight is the

wonderFul and talented Mr. James Coco.

But first we're going to open tonight's

show with an underwater fantasy.

So, without more ado,

Iast one in is a sissy.

(# Octopus' GardenI

  1. I'd like to be underthe sea
  1. In an octopus' garden

in the shade

  1. He'd let us in
  1. Knows where we've been
  1. In his octopus' garden in the shade
  1. I'd ask my friends to come and see
  1. An octopus' garden with me
  1. I'd like to be underthe sea
  1. In an octopus' garden in the shade
  1. We would be warm below the storm
  1. In our little hideaway

beneath the waves

  1. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
  1. Resting our head on the sea bed
  1. In an octopus' garden

neaf a CaVe

  1. La, la, la, la, la, la, la
  1. We would sing and dance around
  1. Because we know we can't be found
  1. I'd like to be underthe sea
  1. In an octopus' garden in the shade

Ahhhh! Ahhhh!

  1. We would shout and swim about
  1. The coral that lies

beneath the waves

  1. We would be so happy, you and me
  1. With no one there

to tell us what to do

[growling]

  1. I'd like to be underthe sea
  1. In an octopus' garden with you
  1. In an octopus' garden with you #

Well, that was different.

- Did you like it?

- No.

Then it wasn't different.

Did you get any water

on the stage, boss?

Yeah, but it's OK.

The next act will take care of it.

OK, dancing sponges, you're on.

Smart thinking.

[gasping]

How was I, Kermie?

You were great, Piggy.

Thank you, Kermie.

You know, I really like the water.

- Well, I'm glad.

- Mm-hmm.

Which means after we're married,

we can live at your place.

Um... yeah.

Kermie, would you help me

take this mermaid outFit off?

- You want me to undo the zipper here?

- Back there, the zipper.

- [zipping]

- Ohh!

Oh, what a relief.

[sighing] Thank you.

Oh! Don't look, don't look.

No peeking.

- [sloshing]

- Did you get the stage all dried up?

[gurgling] Oh, I think so.

Good.

And now, our vey special guest star,

James Coco, portraying a medium

who will attempt to predict the future

of a character who has no future.

Curtain.

Boy, oh, boy, am I ever excited.

l've never been

to a real gypsy clairvoyant.

They say that for ten dollars

he'll read your mind.

l wonder what he'd see in mine.

Three dollars change.

[# singing operatically]

- Are you Dr. Coco, the happy medium?

- That's right.

- Oh.

- And you are...

You are...

...Fozzie Bear!

And I am seasick.

- Thank you, thank you.

- Better?

l've got to know one thing.

Yes, I can.

Can you predict the future?

- I just did.

- Oh!

l want to know

what my future in romance will be.

Let me see...

...if my cystal ball will speak to me.

- Howdy.

- Ahh!

- Bad news.

- What? What? What?

lt spoke to me.

Do you see a tall, cute stranger?

Could be taller.

Could be cuter.

But it couldn't be stranger.

Hi, Fozzie.

Beauregard,

l want to get my future told.

l want to get my head out.

l just want to get on with this sketch.

But... but... but you're a medium.

Are you kidding? Medium?

I'm an extra large.

[ghostly laughter]

[screaming]

Howdy, y'all. Are you

the senior citizens of Abilene?

- No.

- Uh. No, no, no. No, no.

Oh, shucks.

I'm Chester Pugh.

- I'm due to show up at their seance.

- Are you late?

Of course. I'm the late Chester Pugh.

- Never.

- Better late than never.

But this isn't even a real seance.

- It isn't?

- Well, hold... Wait, wait.

Jimmy, you mean

he's not part of the sketch?

- [whispers] No.

- [gasps]

This is a show.

A show? [gasps]

Well, say, I'd like to say hello

to Maw and Paw

and all the night shift

down at Schneider's.

And this one's for eveybody

on the other side.

(# Danny BoyI

  1. Oh, Danny boy
  1. The pipes, the pipes are callin'

- Huh?

- No good.

- Why?

- Just no rhythm, no pace.

- # And down the mountainside

- Not even good looking.

- Jimmy?

- Hmm?

Jimmy, is this supposed to go this way?

Of course not.

l didn't know we'd get a real ghost.

- Oh, look!

- Help, help!

The table is levitating.

Beauregard, watch out.

You're gonna get killed!

No. I'm gonna get lunch.

  1. And I must bide

Well, what do we do now?

[all] # But l'll be here

  1. In sunshine or in shadow
  1. Oh, Danny boy

Oh, Danny boy

  1. I love you so #

What was that?

It's called The Medium Sketch.

The Medium Sketch?

Yeah. It wasn't rare

and it certainly wasn't well done.

[laughter]

That was disgusting.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Oh! That sketch was the last straw.

That does it. I am leaving.

Well?

Don't you have anything to say to me

before I go?

Oh, yeah.

On your way out,

would you empty the garbage?

[laughing]

Beatnik.

l have spent my last moment

in this theater.

Oh, that's too bad, Sam.

You're gonna miss

my tribute to Beethoven.

l don't care. As long as...

- Beethoven?

- Mm-hmm.

Are you serious?

Would I ioke about Beethoven?

He's my idol. See?

Oh! Beethoven, at last.

Oh, well, for Beethoven l'll stay.

He's my favorite playwright.

  1. One, mo, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight

  1. All he had was eight little notes
  1. Just eight little notes
  1. But, oh
  1. What Mr. B did with

do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do

  1. Though all he used

were eight little notes

  1. Just eight,

count 'em, eight like these

  1. He'd mix and match and hatch a batch
  1. Of catchy melodies
  1. Now, I could take mo notes

and come up with nothing of note

  1. Mr. B took a G
  1. And a flattened E

- # And wrote...

- [plays notes from fiRh Symphony

Wasn't that fantastic?

  1. Though all he had

was eight little notes

  1. Just eight little notes like these
  1. Which goes to show
  1. That one man's scale

is another man's symphonies

[playing Ode to Joy

Oh, yeah.

[humming in tune to Ode tfi _oyI

  1. Yet, all he had

was eight little notes

  1. Just eight little notes, just eight
  1. But he wrote nine symphonies
  1. And also some great
  1. Quartets, quintets,

fugues and cantatas

  1. Plus some opera and a few cantatas
  1. Using only eight little notes

in a row

  1. Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do
  1. Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do

- # Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do

- # Do, ti, la, so, fa, mi, re, do #

OK, Robin, time to go to sleep.

But I can't, Uncle Kermit.

I'm afraid of snakes.

Snakes? Snakes?

Well, um...

Well, th-th-there aren't

any snakes around here.

- Unless they're under the bed.

- [screams]

No, no, no snakes under the bed.

This really isn't helping, Uncle Kermit.

Oh. Well, listen, Robin.

lf you just close your eyes

and think about it,

- why, snakes can be vey beautiful.

- [sighing]

[snake charming music]

[dance version of snake charm music]

[music stops]

You know, Uncle Kermit,

snakes are really vey nice.

[all] Thank you.

Uh, you're welcome.

OK. Set up the kitchen.

The Swedish Chef is on next.

Oh, Kermit,

you have a terrific show here.

Oh, oh, thank you, James.

It's not exactly Broadway...

Oh, you mean with all the girls

and the glitter and the razzle dazzle?

- Yeah, I guess so.

- You don't need it.

This show moves.

It's got pace, pace, pace.

- Know what I mean?

- Pace?

You got it.

You only need razzle dazzle

if you've got a dull, slow moving act.

But I have been watching this show.

lt is dynamic.

lt is full of sex appeal.

It is fast paced.

You do not need razzle dazzle.

You have...

[singing slowly in mock Swedish]

What is that?

Uh... the next act.

You need razzle dazzle.

Look, get some musicians,

chorus girls, dancers,

anything that moves.

Quick! Quick!

Yes, I'm on my way.

I'm on my way.

Hury, Kermit.

What can I do about the lights?

Switch. There we go.

Uh, wrong one.

Fantastic.

[singing in mock Swedish]

[crashing]

[speaking in mock Swedish]

[men whooping and cheering]

[# Mexican Hat Dance]

[music fades]

[speaking mock Swedish]

Where is the banana-nana?

- Banana split?

- [men whooping and cheering]

(# Mexican Hat DanceI

- [music stops]

- [shouting in mock Swedish]

[muttering]

A-ha!

[chattering]

Banana-nana, banana-nana...

Banana peel. Banana peel.

Enter.

[# Mexican Hat Dance]

Whoa!

And now, banana split.

Well, the cheFs done it again.

- Done what?

- Nothing.

[laughter]

ls he gonna be all right?

l doubt it. He never has been.

Well, what's next?

Let's see. Um... A singer.

Oh, good. Now we can relax.

Singing is always good.

Music is terrific.

[out of tune]

  1. Catch a falling star
  1. And put it in your pocket

Kermit, we have a lot of work to do.

(# Catch A Falling Sta_

  1. Catch a falling star
  1. And put it in your pocket
  1. Save it for a rainy day
  1. For love may come

and tap you on the shoul...

Hey, your pants are on fire.

  1. One star that

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

No, uh... uh...

Ooh! Ow! Ow!

[screaming]

Well, um, you can't win 'em all.

I'd settle for a tie.

Oh! Ah! Ooh! Ah!

What did you guys do to me?

l almost got killed out there.

Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ow!

Almost?

- What's next?

- Let's see... Veterinarian's Hospital.

Veterinarian's Hospital?

Yeah, it's this part

where we tell bad jokes and, uh...

And it's death.

Uh-huh.

l have just the thing

that will liven it up.

- It never fails.

- Oh, yeah?

Girls.

Girls? Oh, yeah.

Just say it. Girls.

Girls!

[announcer] Time now

forVeterinarian's Hospital,

the continuing stoy of a quack

who's gone to the dogs.

- Say cheese.

- [groaning]

Close enough.

Rowlf, Rowlf, Rowlf.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, now, yes, nurse.

Tell me, what's wrong with this patient.

Dr. Bob, he has acute appendicitis.

l don't care how cute it is.

It has to come out.

Music, lights, dancers. Quick!

[show music playing]

Dr. Bob, how can you concentrate

with those girls dancing by?

- Easy. I never take my eyes off them.

- [laughing]

Bring on the girls, quick!

- [show music playing]

- Here they come again.

That's the girls?

Dr. Bob, why do they

keep dancing that way?

That's the way they get their kicks.

[laughter]

Wow. I'd love to be on Broadway.

Yeah. I can see your name in lights.

Twenty-five watts.

Twenty-five watts?

That's not vey bright.

Look who's talking.

[laughter]

[show music playing]

This is good.

This is excellent.

l've changed my mind.

l am not taking out the appendix.

- What are you taking out?

- The blonde on the end.

[laughter]

[announcer] And so we come to the end

ofanotherVeterinarian's Hospital.

Tune in next week

when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say...

Dr. Bob, you cannot go out

with a chorus girl.

What about the patient?

Why should I go out

with someone who's sick?

[laughter]

- Any luck?

- Nope. I checked all the doors.

They got us locked in.

- OK.

- Kermit, what's with those showgirls?

We just kind of threw them in.

Yeah? Well, throw them out.

Um, yeah.

Kermit, I'm ready for my closing number.

Oh? Oh, good.

Listen, I realize things have been

a little ragged so far,

but wait till you see

the closing number we have planned.

It's a wonderFul thing.

We have staircases and waterFalls.

We have colored lights and wind machines

and chorus girls.

Does your shaking your head

mean what I think it does?

That's right. I'd really like...

I'd like a change of pace.

I'd like to do something simple.

Something small.

- Closing numbers are big extravaganzas.

- No, no, no. They're small.

- Small, Kermit. Small.

- Small?

- Yeah, but usually...

- No, Kermit...

- Really small.

- Really small?

- Yeah, small. Trust me.

- Small?

Just introduce me.

Kermit, you're gonna love it.

l promise you, you're gonna love it.

- Just introduce me.

- Ahhhh!

Here, once again, ladies and gentlemen,

is our guest star, James Coco,

in a vey small gigantic finale.

Hit it, guys.

[# Short Peopleh

Hi, guys.

You look gorgeous.

Terrific.

  1. Short people got no reason
  1. Short people got no reason
  1. Short people got no reason to live
  1. They got little hands

and little eyes

  1. And they go around

telling great big lies

  1. They got little noses

and tiny little teeth

  1. They wear platForm shoes

on their tiny little feet

  1. Well, I don't want no short people
  1. I don't want no short people
  1. I don't want no short people

'round here

  1. Short people arejust the same

as you and l

  1. A fool such as l
  1. All men are brothers

until the day they die

  1. It's a wonde_ul world
  1. Short people got nobody
  1. Short people got nobody
  1. Short people got nobody to love
  1. They got little baby legs

and they stand so low

  1. You got to pick him up

justto say hello

  1. They got little cars

that go beep, beep, beep

  1. They got little voices

going peep, peep, peep

  1. Grubby little fingers

and dirty little minds

  1. They're gonna get you evey time
  1. No, I don't want no short people
  1. I don't want no short people
  1. I don't want

no short people 'round here #

l hope I haven't offended you.

l was short once myself.

[monster laughing]

Hi, shom.

Well, I think we've just about

come down to the end of another one

because the next thing I'm going to do

is ask our guest star to say good night.

Mr. James Coco. Yeah!

Ah, Kermit, thank you.

l really enjoyed myself tonight.

I'm glad. I just loved your number

with the short people.

- You don't think they resented it?

- Oh, no.

They loved it.

Right, short people?

[short people cheering]

You were wonderFul, all of you.

[man] Thank you, Jimmy.

Whoa! Hey, hey!

Put me down. Put me down!

We'll see you next time

on The Muppet Show.

Well, shall we leave?

Why should we leave now?

The worst part's over.

[laughter]

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