|Kermit||It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star James Coco! Yaaay!|
|The curtain opens, and the theme begins.|
|Beauregard rushes toward the screen, carrying some paper.|
|Beauregard||Here's your script! WHOAH!|
|He trips and falls, sending the papers flying.|
|Four horns surround Gonzo and play a fanfare, startling him.|
|Kermit enters to applause, wearing a bathing cap.|
|Kermit||Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show, where our guest star tonight is the wonderful and very talented Mr. James Coco. But first - first, we're going to open tonight's show with an underwater fantasy. So, without more ado, last one in is a sissy! (paddles out)|
|Robin the Frog and Kermit sing "Octopus' Garden" with an aquatic band, Miss Piggy as a mermaid and Animal, who's chased by a large stingray.|
|Waldorf||Well, that was different.|
|Statler||Did you like it?|
|Statler||Then it wasn't different! (both laugh)|
|Kermit enters to fanfare.|
|Kermit||And now, our very special guest star James Coco portraying a medium who will attempt to predict the future of a character who has no future. Curtain!|
|GONG! The curtains open on Fozzie, in the lair of a fortune teller.|
|Fozzie||Boy, oh, boy, am I ever excited! I've never been to a real gypsy clairvoyant before. They say that for ten dollars, he'll read your mind. I wonder what he'd see in mine.|
|James||(entering through the beaded curtains) Three dollars change!|
|James does a slight dance as he makes his way to his seat by Fozzie. He lets out a wail.|
|Fozzie||Oh! Oh, are you Dr. Coco, the Happy Medium?|
|James||That's right, that's right!|
|James uses his powers to move Fozzie to and fro.|
|James||...are...you are Fozzie Bear!|
|Fozzie||(still in motion) And I am seasick! Please stop me. Thank you.|
|James grabs hold of Fozzie, keeping him still.|
|Fozzie||I've got to know one thing!|
|James||Yes, I can!|
|Fozzie||Can you predict the futur-|
|James||I just did.|
|Fozzie||Oh! I want to know what my future in romance will be.|
|James||Let me see in my crystal ball with speak to me!|
|James places the crystal ball on the table. He waves his hands and crosses his eyes. He lifts the cover, revealing Beauregard, head only, inside the ball.|
|James screams in fright and covers the ball back up.|
|James||It spoke to me!|
|Fozzie||Do you see a tall, cute stranger?|
|James||(partially unveiling the ball) It could be taller, could be cuter, but it couldn't be stranger!|
|James fully unveils the ball.|
|Fozzie||Beauregard, I want to get my future told!|
|Beauregard||I want to get my head out.|
|James||I just want to get on with this sketch. I mean...|
|Fozzie||Bu-but, bu-bu-but, you're a medium!|
|James||A me-are you kidding, medium? I'm an extra large!|
|Suddenly, a spirt appears beside them, laughing. They all shriek in fear.|
|Chester||Howdy, y'all! Are you the senior citizens of Abilene?|
|James||Uh, no, no.|
|Fozzie||Uh, n-no, no, no, no.|
|Chester||Aw, shucks. I'm Chester Pugh. I-I'm due to show up at their seance.|
|Fozzie||Are ya' late?|
|Chester||Of course, I'm the late Chester Pugh!|
|Chester||Better late than never!|
|James||But, this isn't even a real seance!|
|Fozzie||Well, hold... Wait, wait. Jimmy, you mean... he's not part of the sketch?|
|James||This is a show!|
|Chester||A show? (notices the viewing audience) Aw, say, I'd like to say, "Hello," to ma and pa and all the night shift down at Schinder's. This one's for everybody on the other side.|
|Chester begins to sing "Danny Boy." James shakes his head in disgust.|
|James||I mean, well, it's just, no rhythm, no pace. Not even good looking.|
|Fozzie||Jimmy, i-is this supposed to go this way?|
|James||Of course not! I didn't know we'd get a real ghost.|
|Suddenly, Beauregard and the table begin to lift above the ground.|
|Fozzie||Oh, oh, ah, Jimmy!|
|James||The table is levitating!|
|Fozzie||Ah, ah! Beauregard, watch out! You're gonna get killed!|
|Beauregard||No, I'm going to get lunch!|
|Beauregard leaves, carrying the table with him. Chester is still singing away.|
|Fozzie||Well, what do we do now?|
|With no other option, the two sing "Danny Boy" with Chester. He disappears as the song wraps up and the duo take their bows.|
|Waldorf||What was that?|
|Statler||It's called "The Medium Sketch."|
|Waldorf||"The Medium Sketch?"|
|Statler||Yeah, it wasn't rare and it certainly wasn't well done! (both laugh)|
"Eight Little Notes"
|Rowlf||(playing the scale) One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.|
|Rowlf plays "Eight Little Notes" with the help of his singing bust of Beethoven.|
The Swedish Chef
"Catch a Falling Star"
OK, Robin, time to go to sleep.
But I can't, Uncle Kermit.
I'm afraid of snakes.
Snakes? Snakes? Well, um... Well, th-th-there aren't any snakes around here.
Unless they're under the bed.
No, no, no snakes under the bed.
This really isn't helping, Uncle Kermit.
Oh. Well, listen, Robin. lf you just close your eyes and think about it, why, snakes can be very beautiful.
You know, Uncle Kermit, snakes are really very nice.
Uh, you're welcome.
OK. Set up the kitchen. The Swedish Chef is on next.
Oh, Kermit, you have a terrific show here.
Oh, oh, thank you, James.
It's not exactly Broadway...
Oh, you mean with all the girls and the glitter and the razzle dazzle?
Yeah, I guess so. You don't need it. This show moves. It's got pace, pace, pace. Know what I mean?
You got it. You only need razzle dazzle if you've got a dull, slow moving act. But I have been watching this show. lt is dynamic. lt is full of sex appeal. It is fast paced. You do not need razzle dazzle. You have...
[singing slowly in mock Swedish]
What is that?
Uh... the next act.
You need razzle dazzle. Look, get some musicians, chorus girls, dancers, anything that moves.
Yes, I'm on my way. I'm on my way.
What can I do about the lights?
Switch. There we go.
Uh, wrong one.
[singing in mock Swedish]
[speaking in mock Swedish]
[# Mexican Hat Dance]
Where is the banana-nana?
[shouting in mock Swedish]
Banana peel. Banana peel.
And now, banana split.
Well, the Chef's done it again.
ls he gonna be all right?
l doubt it. He never has been.
Well, what's next?
Let's see. Um... A singer.
Oh, good. Now we can relax. Singing is always good. Music is terrific.
- Catch a falling star
- And put it in your pocket
Kermit, we have a lot of work to do.
(# Catch A Falling Sta_
- Catch a falling star
- And put it in your pocket
- Save it for a rainy day
- For love may come
and tap you on the shoul...
Hey, your pants are on fire.
- One star that
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
No, uh... uh...
Ooh! Ow! Ow!
Well, um, you can't win 'em all.
I'd settle for a tie.
Oh! Ah! Ooh! Ah!
What did you guys do to me? l almost got killed out there.
Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ow!
Let's see... Veterinarian's Hospital.
Yeah, it's this part where we tell bad jokes and, uh...
And it's death.
l have just the thing that will liven it up. It never fails.
Girls? Oh, yeah.
Just say it. Girls.
[announcer] Time now for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf, Rowlf, Rowlf.
Uh, now, yes, nurse. Tell me, what's wrong with this patient.
Dr. Bob, he has acute appendicitis.
l don't care how cute it is. It has to come out.
Music, lights, dancers. Quick!
Dr. Bob, how can you concentrate with those girls dancing by?
Easy. I never take my eyes off them. Bring on the girls, quick!
Here they come again.
That's the girls?
Dr. Bob, why do they keep dancing that way?
That's the way they get their kicks.
Wow. I'd love to be on Broadway.
Yeah. I can see your name in lights.
That's not very bright.
Look who's talking.
This is good.
This is excellent.
l've changed my mind. l am not taking out the appendix.
What are you taking out?
The blonde on the end.
And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say...
Dr. Bob, you cannot go out with a chorus girl. What about the patient?
Why should I go out with someone who's sick?
Nope. I checked all the doors. They got us locked in.
Kermit, what's with those showgirls?
We just kind of threw them in.
Yeah? Well, throw them out.
Kermit, I'm ready for my closing number.
Oh? Oh, good.
Listen, I realize things have been a little ragged so far, but wait till you see the closing number we have planned. It's a wonderful thing. We have staircases and waterfalls. We have colored lights and wind machines and chorus girls.
Does your shaking your head mean what I think it does?
That's right. I'd really like... I'd like a change of pace. I'd like to do something simple. Something small.
Closing numbers are big extravaganzas.
No, no, no. They're small. Small, Kermit. Small.
Yeah, but usually...
No, Kermit... Really small.
Yeah, small. Trust me.
Just introduce me.
Kermit, you're gonna love it. l promise you, you're gonna love it. Just introduce me.
Well, I think we've just about come down to the end of another one because the next thing I'm going to do is ask our guest star to say good night. Mr. James Coco. Yeah!
Ah, Kermit, thank you. l really enjoyed myself tonight.
I'm glad. I just loved your number with the short people.
You don't think they resented it?
Oh, no. They loved it. Right, short people?
You were wonderful, all of you.
[man] Thank you, Jimmy.
Whoa! Hey, hey! Put me down. Put me down!
We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
Well, shall we leave?
Why should we leave now? The worst part's over.