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Episode 311: Raquel Welch/transcript

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Cold open


Opening number




At the Dance

UK spot


The Swedish Chef

Dressing room

"I'm a Woman"


[knocking on door]

Oh, Raquel Welch, 30 seconds to curtain, Miss Welch.

The quality of mercy is not strain'd. It droppeth as a gentle rain upon the place beneath...

Oh, changing your image, huh?

Yes, I was toying with the idea.

You do what you want, Miss Welch. On this show, you don't have to dress up in any scanty, revealing costumes.

Oh, thank you, Scooter.

Not unless you really want to.


[all] Oh, please want to!

[drum roll]

It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Raquel Welch! Whoo! Yay!

  1. It's time to play the music

It's time to light the light

  1. It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

  1. It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

  1. It's time to get things started
  1. Why don't you get things started?
  1. It's time to get things started
  1. On the most sensational, inspirational
  1. Celebrational, Muppetational
  1. This is what we call

The Muppet Show! #


Thank you! And welcome, again, to The Muppet Show, where tonight, we are delighted to have the one and only Miss Raquel Welch...

[clearing throat] Pity we can't book an important guest star on this show.

What are you saying, Piggy? We have an internationally acclaimed actress, singer, dancer and one of the sexiest ladies alive!

You've got that every night, frog.

Uh, well... [clears throat] Ignoring that, ladies, and particularly gentlemen, here she is, the curvaceous, the tantalizing, the desirable...

Hold it, chief!

What now?

She's changing her image.

Changing her image?

Yeah, she was just rehearsing Shakespeare.

But... Uh... Well, uh... uh, ladies and gentlemen, one of cinema's leading dramatic actresses, the very erudite, Miss Raquel Welch.

(# Baby, It's MeI


  1. You got the shakin'

I got the shimmy

  1. You got the takin'

I got the gimme

  1. And I don't want to go

but, baby, you send me

  1. You want it all

and I wanna give it

  1. You are the dream

and I wanna live it

  1. And I don't want to go

but, baby, you send me

  1. Baby, it's me

I'm the same as you

  1. A dreamer who dreams

That's a dream come true

  1. And all my life

I just wanted to meet

  1. Someone just like you
  1. Someone just like you
  1. To tell my troubles to
  1. Someone just like you
  1. You've got the spark

I've got the desire

  1. The longer we burn

the higher the fire

  1. And, baby, take my heart

I want you to have it

  1. Our love is a storm

It goes on forever

  1. The more that it rains

the bemer the weather

  1. And, baby, take my heart

I want you to have it

  1. Baby, it's me

I'm the same as you

  1. A dreamer who dreams

that's a dream come true

  1. And all my life I've just wanted

to meet someone just like you

  1. Someone just like you
  1. Who wants to love me, too
  1. Someone just like you
  1. Oh, yeah, hey, hey #
  - [sighing]
  - PluperFect.


Uh, I thought she was going to change her image.

Well, she might be changing her image, but you wouldn't want her to change the rest of that.

[Miss Piggy scoffs]

Hey, where's Fozzie?

He's supposed to be on stage.

He must be late getting back from group.

Group? Fozzie went to group therapy?

[chuckling] He wanted to learn to be more dominating.

[Fozzie] Open up, doors! These doors will swing open to the force of my will alone!

OK, I'll open the doors.

  - [door rattling]
  - [Fozzie groaning]

There, I opened the doors, and I wanted to. Thank you.

It's a pity you couldn't open the show, too.

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Frog, I am an established artiste. I will not be treated like a newcomer.

No, you'll be treated like a latecomer.

[both laughing]

Very good.

Uh, Fozzie, are you trying to be pushy or something?

Oh, no. I mean, yes. I am tying to be more decisive.


Uh, maybe.

Uh, Fozzie, what are you doing?

I'm not too sure. Uh... Oh, you see, my group leader told me to be more aggressive. Yes, uh, here.


Excuse me, I'm sorry.


Thank you. Thank you.

Fozzie, why don't you just go sit quietly in your dressing room?

Oh, no! Oh, no, not this time! Frog, this bear will never be pushed around or stepped on ever again!

Hey, did somebody order raw eggs and chili peppers?

[stomping footsteps]

Breakfast! Breakfast!

Aah! Breakfast! Breakfast!

I think I'll go sit quietly in my dressing room.


Uh, you could describe our next performer as a complete contrast to Miss Raquel Welch. Then again, you could also describe him as a complete contrast to every man, woman and child on Earth. Uh, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Gonzo, the Great.

I# JamboreeI

  1. Lonely? Hey, I get lonely
  1. Sad? Whoo! I know sad
  1. But you do what you can

with the things that you see

  1. To make life a jamboree
  1. And I see cows playing cellos
  1. With bananas

where their horns should be

  1. And I see flags being waved

By ducks in buckets

  1. And pigs drinking lemon tea
  - # Jamboree!
  - # Jamboree!
  - # Jamboree!
  - # Jamboree!
  1. Find where you hide and look inside

And you've got a jamboree

_ fe... ee... ee...

Ee... ee... ee... ee

  1. If all you know are bad times

If all you see are walls

  1. If you get your news

from the scuffs on your shoes

  1. Then that won't help at all
  1. 'Cause you've gotta see

penguins throwing popcorn

  1. Chickens on a well-dressed moose
  - Hi, girls!
  - [chickens clucking]
  1. And you gotta see rats floating by
  1. On pink balloons
  1. And funny things on the loose
  - # Jamboree!
  - # Jamboree!
  - # Jamboree!
  - # Jamboree!
  1. Find where you hide and look inside

and you've got a jamboree

  1. Well, you go run from thunder

and you stay away from rain

  1. But I'll be looking at the colors

in the puddles to see my jamboree

  - # Jamboree!
  - # Chocolate cakes!
  - # Jamboree!
  - # Bells on snakes!
  1. Some people give up
  1. Some people get out
  1. But me? Whoo, whoo, whoo!
  1. I'm a jamboree!

[all cheering]

  - # Jamboree!
  - # Jamboree!
  - # Jamboree!
  - # Jamboree!
  - # Jamboree!
  - # Jamboree!
  - # Jamboree!
  - # Jamboree!
  - # Jamboree!
  - # Jamboree!
  - # Jamboree
  - [music fading]
  1. Me, I'm a jamboree
  1. Yeah! #

I've seen wars started over less than that.

Wrong, there's nothing less than that.


[chattering indistinctly]

OK, nice one.

Yeah, good number, baby. [laughs]

Yeah, very cute, very cute.

Uh, sick but cute.

Sick but cute?


Uh, you guys are talking about me, huh?


Uh, yeah. [laughs]


Hey, Kermit, Kermit, it's all right. It's no problem. I can take it.

Well, I don't know if I can take it.

Uh, listen, Fozzie, are you ready to do your monologue now?

[clears throat]

No! No! I am not... Excuse me, I'm sorry. I'm through with all that! I do not need to buy friends with laughter anymore. No, no. I am about to meet my true self.

Uh... of course you are.


I hope you'll be very happy together.

Thank you.


I'll just go cancel your act for tonight.

Well, I'm sorry about that.

Don't worry, we've all got our problems here. Yep, that's show biz. See, my problem was my need to tell jokes.

Yeah, that was our problem too.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, due to the indisposition of Fozzie Bear, there will be no comic monologue on this show.


Scooter, they... They want me!


They like me! They need me!

Hey-ya! Hey-ya! Hey-ya!


And so, on with The Muppet...

Hey-ya! Hey-ya! Hey-ya!

Fozzie, what are you doing here?

My monologue. [laughs]

But you were supposed to meet your true self.

I just met him.

What's he like?

He's shallow, insecure and needs to buy friends with laughter.

Ah! It's too late! Get off! Get off!

What?! What?!

[downtempo music plays]

[Fozzie] Kermit, let go, they want me!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Uh, did you hear the one\ about the nut who joined the Army? Sure. They made him a kernel. [laughs]

What, that old chestnut? [laughs]

Wait, hey! Hey! You just cut that out, you pigs! Speaking of pigs, what do you get when you cross an Eskimo and a pig?

Oh, that's easy. You get a polar boar.


What is going on... Whoa!

Move! Look out!


Hey, do you do all the cooking in the monastery?

[Fozzie] Hey! Hey, I was gonna do that one!

No, I only cook the potatoes.

You only cook the potatoes?

Wait! I'm doing this one! Uh... You only cook the potatoes?

What do they call you?

The friar.

No, the chipmunk.


From time to time, I like to chat with some of the different members of The Muppet Show so you'll get to know them better. Tonight, I'll talk with one of your favorite acts, Marvin Suggs and the Muppaphones.


Excuse me, Marvin. I know you're rehearsing. Could I talk to you for a few minutes?

But of course, Mr. Kermit. Anything. Take a four. Five.



Uh... uh... Marvin, the question that most people ask...

Oh, the answer is mutual love and respect. The Muppaphones, they adore me!

[Muppaphones mumbling indistinctly]

Shut up!

Uh, Marvin, are these... Are these the original Muppaphones?

Oh, no. I have to replace them every two or three months. They go flat.

You mean they get off-key?

No, flat.


Like little pancakes.

Thank you!

Uh, yeah, well, uh, what happens to them then?

I don't think you want to know.

Uh, yes...


Uh, well, Marvin, I was wondering, can I talk to the Muppaphones?

But of course! The little froggy want to talk to you. Be nice.

[Muppaphones mumbling indistinctly]

Uh, Muppaphones, I'll ask you the question most people ask, does it hurt?

Um, is Marvin still here?

Right here.

Uh, no.

Of course it does not hurt.

I am not a cruel man.

[Muppaphones groaning]

Shut up!

Uh, Marvin...

Please continue. You were telling me how compassionate and sensitive you are.

Yes, but I should get back to rehearsal.

Come on, Marvin, how about some time off?

How about some croquet?


[sighs] I wish I had the nerve to meet Raquel Welch.

Oh, you should, Fozzie. She's terrific. She kissed me right here.

Scooter, I know she kissed you. You told me four times she kissed you. Why don't you go have your cheek bronzed?

Touchy, touchy.

Well, she didn't kiss... Oh. Hey, wait a minute, I can handle this, I can cope with it. I am an important bear. I am capable, I am poised...

Hiya, Fozzie.

I am... I am...

Hi. I've been looking all over for ya.

M... m...


Come here a second.


Did you know that one of the main reasons that I wanted to do The Muppet Show was just so I could meet you?


Is something wrong?

No... [stammers]


I can't talk about it.

Just put your head on my shoulder here.

(# Confide In MeI

  1. Confide in me
  1. Rely on me
  1. And I will ty to satisfy
  1. Your every need
  1. Through the day
  1. 'Till we say

Don't do that, please.

  1. G_bye
  1. Oooh


  1. Take it slow


  1. Easy go
  1. Any friend would recommend
  1. The starlight show
  1. On a night like this
  1. I insist you try

Oh, oh, Raquel, you are terrific.

On the contrary, Fozzie, you're the one that's terrific.



You know, just being here, kind of close to you, I've noticed that you're really very charming.



And even witty.

And even witty.

In fact, I think you're very sexy.

Say again.

I think you're sexsational.


  1. Mmm, take your time
  1. And you will find
  1. A smiling face
  1. A warm embrace


  1. A sympathetic mind
  1. To do it right


  1. Confide in me
  1. Tonight
  1. Woh, oh, oh, oh
  1. Woh, ho, ho, ho
  1. Confide in me
  1. Tonight #

Oh, Raquel!

Oh, Raquel!

Oh, I feel so confident now. You've made a complete bear out of me. Oh, yes! Yes!

Um, Fozzie...

Yes, sweetheart.

Do you... Do you think there's...

Yes, baby, say it!

...even the slightest possibility that...

Yes! might want to go to my dressing room and have a cup of tea?

You... You and me?


Could I bring a friend?


[chicken whimpering]

[mock Swedish] chickie in de basket.

Of course, here de chickie.

And over here, de basket.

[chicken clucking]

Hey, chickie! Come here, chickie!

[mock Swedish]

[chicken bouncing loudly]



  1. Here de de are de chickie #

That two points.

Kermit! Kermit! Kermit! Oh, listen, you've gotta read this!

What? Are you still on the assertive kick, Fozzie?

Kind of, but listen, Kermit, you are gonna love this. I have just written the greatest joke in the world. It's the all-time comedy classic. Kermit, in the history of show business there has never been, or will there ever be, a joke this funny. Here, read it, go ahead, read it.

Ahhh. Yeah.



It's not funny.

I got a better one.

Uh, excuse moi, Raquel. I just wanted to come by and welcome you to my show.

Thank you, Miss Piggy, but I understood that you weren't too happy about me being on the show.

Oh, where did you ever get that idea?

Believe me, I understand. After all, it is your show, and I'm just a guest here.

Raquel, Raquel, Raquel!

The burdens of being an international sex goddess.

Yes, well, I suppose. It must be nearly as tough for you.


You know, sometimes, I really feel like renouncing the whole thing, the whole image.

Yes, me too. It gets to be kind of a bore, doesn't it?


There's still a lot of joy left in being a woman.

Don't you agree?


I plan to gather up all I can while it lasts.

[Scooter] Raquel? Standby for your solo number.


Yes. You don't mind, do you?

Of course not. I... I... Oh, is that the costume for the solo number? How sweet.

Thank you. They made it especially for me.

Oh, especially pour vous. Hmm, how très très happy I am pour vous.

[speaks French]

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Uh, I, uh... I think I shall go now to be up close where I can really see you.

Why, thank you. In the front row?

Closer than that.


Now, once again, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for our wonderful and indescribable, fantastic guest star... Is she... Is she ready yet?

[muppet] Who?


Oh, yeah, yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, Raquel Welch!

(# I'm A WomanI

  1. I can wash out 44 pairs of socks and have 'em hangin' out on the line
  1. I can starch and iron two dozens shirts
  1. 'Fore you can count from one to nine
  1. I can scoop up a great big dipper
  1. Full of lard from the drippin's can
  1. Throw it in the skillet

Go out and do my shopping

  1. And be back

before it melts in the pan

  1. 'Cause I'm a woman!

_ W... O...

  1. M-A-N
  1. Like to say it again
  1. I can rub and scrub this house

till it's shinin'just like a dime

  1. F_ the baby, grease the car

and powder my face

  1. All at the same time
  1. I can get all dressed up

Go out and swing till 4am and then

  1. Lay down at 5:OO, jump up at 6:OO
  1. And start all over again
  1. 'Cause I'm a woman!

_ W... O...

  1. M-A-N
  - # Like to say it again
  - Ha, ha! Yes, we would!
  1. If you come to me sickly

you know that I'm gonna make you well

  1. If you come to me hexed up

you know I'm gonna break the spell

  1. If you come to me hungy you know

I'm gonna fill you all full of grits

  1. If it's lovin' you're lackin' I'll

kiss you and give you the shiverin' fits

  1. 'Cause I'm a woman!

_ W... O...

  1. M-A-N
  - # Like to say it again
  - # Like to say it again
  1. I can stretch

a greenback dollar bill

  1. from here to kingdom come
  1. I can play the numbers, pay the bills

and still end up with some


  1. I got a 20 dollar gold piece

says there ain't nothing I can't do

  1. I can make a dress out of a food sack

You can what?

I said I can make a dress

out of a food sack.

What do you do

with a food sack dress?

Honey, I can make anything look good.

Oh, yes!

  1. 'Cause I'm a woman

_ W... O...

  1. M-A-N


  1. Like to say it again

Hoo, hoo!

  1. 'Cause I'm a woman

_ W... O...

[clears throat]

_ P... I…

_ G

  1. And that's all #

We've done everything we had planned to do, so I seriously suspect that this is the end. But, before we go, let us have a warm thank you to our very special guest star, Miss Raquel Welch, yay!

  - [applause]
  - All right!

Oh, wow! Oh, yeah!

Thank you very much, Kermit. I had a wonderful time. I don't think I changed my image.

Hey, Raquel, sweetie, baby, wanna go tell a joke together? Ahhh.

You may not have changed your image, but I think you may have changed ours.

[Fozzie chuckles]

We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!


Have you ever thought there must be life after death?

Every time I leave this theater.



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