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Cold open

Theme

Opening number

Backstage

Feather boa dance

Backstage

Muppet Sports

UK spot

Dressing room

"Do-Re-Mi"

"You're Always Welcome at Our House"

Canteen

Backstage

The wedding

Goodnights


Placeholder text

[knocking on door]

Oh, Marisa Berenson, 35 seconds

to curtain, Miss Berenson.

Thank you.

Oh, Scooter, who does all

this luggage belong to?

Oh, didn't you know?

It's a gift to you from the show.

Now, wait a minute. This isn't

some kind of weird Muppet luggage

that's gonna blow up or turn into cheese

like evemhing else

on this strange show?

No, no, no, it's just regular

alligator luggage.

Oh, good.

[growling]

Oh! Oh, no!

[gasps]

[drum roll]

It's The Muppet Show

with our vey special guest star,

Marisa Berenson!

[applause and whistles]

  1. It's time to play the music

It's time to light the light

  1. It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

  1. It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

  1. It's time to get things started
  1. Why don't you get things started?
  - Why don't we leave?
  - Where would we go?
  1. It's time to get things started
  1. On the most sensational, inspirational
  1. Celebrational, Muppetational
  1. This is what we call

The Muppet Show! #

[high-pitched note]

Thank you, thank you! And welcome

again to rhe Muppet Show,

where tonight's special guest star is

the beautiful international film star,

Miss Marisa Berenson.

But first, on our show we've done

traditional dances from many countries,

but never Russia. Well

tonight their luck has run _ut.

[humming, vocalizing]

[tempo quickens]

[vocalizing]

[applause]

Well, there goes détente.

Where?

Never mind.

OK, get onstage, iugglers.

Way to go, gang. Nothing like

a good old-fashioned Russian pig dance.

Oh, boy, if you like that act,

you're gonna love mine.

Uh, who are you?

Lew Zealand and his boomerang fish act.

Whoo!

Lew Zealand and his boomerang fish act?

Oh, yeah. Hey, it's razzle-dazzle.

Uh, well, I'm sory, but I'm not

booking any highbrow acts just now.

Well, think about it, OK?

[sniffs] Come on, Seymour,

you need a bath.

Oh, Kermie, Kermie, Kermie,

thank you for putting me in charge

of the closing sketch.

You just cannot say no to me, can you?

Well, I can, but it hurts a lot.

Uh, is that the sketch there?

Yes, it is, yes.

Well, tell me about it.

  - Uh, it's a secret.
  - What?

Well, I'll tell you the title.

OK, what is the title

of the closing sketch?

The Wedding.

  - The Wedding.
  - Mm-hmm.

You see, you're the groom

and moi am the bride.

[laughs] Isn't that a silly idea?

Isn't that funny?

Uh, maybe.

Oh, Kermie!

Oh, it shall be so wonderFul!

Uh, funny, funny I mean, funny.

[kissing]

Oh, boy, Kermit's kind of busy just now.

[clears throat] Ladies and gentlemen,

our vey special guest star,

the lovely and talented Marisa Berenson!

[soft orchestral music]

[applause]

Did you like that number?

Speak up, my hearing aid's busted.

[shouts] Did you like that number.

I liked what I heard.

What did you hear?

Did you like that number?

[groans]

I tell you, it's terrific.

Yeah, you see,

I throw the fish into the air,

they sail away

and then they come back to me.

Yeah, but I don't care

about boomerang fish acts.

Oh, you will. They're coming back.

  - Uh, Miss Piggy.
  - Oh, um, yes, hello, Kermie.

Piggy, come back here.

Oh, Kermie, how aggressive

and manly you sound.

Never mind the sweet talk. I wanna

know more about this wedding sketch.

I mean, I've gotta learn my lines.

Well, you only have one line.

I do?

Exactly.

Uh, that's not what I mean.

Besides, the thing

you forgot is that I don't!

[chuckles] Kermie,

it's just a simple comedy sketch.

Oh, yeah, well, I know that.

[chuckles] A comedy sketch, Kermie.

lt's not as if he were a real minister.

Now, you are a real minister, right?

Hello, sports fans,

this is Lewis Kazagger,

welcoming you to the wild world

of Muppet sports.

Today finds us at the national

wig racing championships.

Wig racing? Uh-huh.

Well, luckily,

I have one of the trainers here

who may be able to explain.

Uh, yes, sir.

Today is my first time out

wig racing, sir,

or do you call this a derby?

Uh, no, sir, this is a wig,

this is a derby.

[snickering]

Uh, does the wig have a name?

I call this wig Greased Lightning.

  - 'Cause it's speedy?
  - No, 'cause it's greasy.

Don't you use a shampoo?

No, sir, I do not use sham-poo

for my wigs.

Only use real poo.

Nothing but the best poo for my wigs.

  - [whistle blows]
  - Oh, ah!

That whistle means that the wigs

are on the blocks.

[bugle call]

  - [gunfire]
  - And they're off!

[dogs barking]

Mine's off! Hey! Hey!

[# Someone to Watch Over Me]

  1. There's a somebody

I'm longing to see

  1. I hope that she turns out to be
  1. Someone who'll watch
  1. Over me
  1. I'm a little fr_

who's lost in a w_

  1. I know I could

always be good

  1. To one who'll watch
  1. Over me
  1. Although I may not be the man
  1. Some girls think of as handsome
  1. To my heart she carries
  1. The key
  1. Won't you tell her, please

to put on some speed

  1. follow my lead
  1. Oh, how I need
  1. Someone who'll watch
  1. Over me
  1. Won't you tell her, please

to put on some speed

  1. follow my lead
  1. Oh, how I need
  1. Someone to watch
  1. Over me #

[knocking]

[Miss Piggy] What is it?! [humming]

Oh, Miss Piggy, do you need any help?

Uh... Oh, Marisa, well, just a moment.

  - Beautiful bridal gown.
  - Mm-hmm.

Yes, well, it's

a traditional wedding scene.

Something old, something new,

something borrowed and something green.

Sounds like a real wedding to me,

rather than a sketch.

Oh, well, it's um...

it's a realistic sketch, mm-hmm.

Is it?


  - Yes, dear.

Would you be a dear?

Would you lace me up?

  - Well, of course.
  - Yes.
  - That's it. Tighter, dear.
  - Tighter?
  - Mm-hmm. Tighter.
  - Tighter?

I've gotta go down three sizes.

You're going through an awful lot of

trouble. How long does this sketch last?

Till death do us part.

[grunting]

All right, now, listen, kid, uh,

just on the count of three pull.

Ready, one... Two... [inhales]

...three! [screaming]

Oh, Marisa, you're wanted

onstage in a minute.

My goodness, I've got

to get dressed. Hold these.

  - [Miss Piggy screams]
  - [crash]
  - Is your hearing aid fixed?
  - No.
  - Then how do you know what I'm saying?
  - I don't.

Oh.

I# D_Re MiI

  1. Doe, a deer, a female deer
  1. Ray, a drop of golden sun
  1. Me, a name I call myself
  1. Far, a long, long way to run
  1. Sew, a needle pulling thread
  1. La, a note to follow so
  1. Tea, a drink with jam and bread

Me?

  1. Me, a name I call myself
  1. Far, a long, long way to run
  1. Sew, a needle pulling thread
  1. La, a note to follow so
  1. Tea, a drink with jam and bread
  - Now?
  - Go!
  1. Go, a gear, a female gear

No!

  1. Wo, a near, a female near

Oh, what the hey.

  1. Hay, a hop of holden hun

Fozzie!

  1. A name I call myself
  1. Wo, it should be Bo
  1. Bo, a beer, a female beer

Will you go away?

  1. Way, a dwop ofwolden won

[all squabbling]

Now, now, just listen to me.

  1. Me and my shadow
  1. Doe, a deer, a female deer...

Hold it! Come on,

you're ruining the whole song!

[all squabbling]

[squabbling stops]

Uh... and now, to bring a note

of culture to the show...

ls the set changed yet?

[muppet] Yeah, it's OK, frog.

OK, here is the lovely

and talented, Miss Marisa Berenson.

(# Our HouseI

  1. Well, a man came to our house

Our house, our house

  1. A man came to our house

to sell us some brooms

  1. So we asked him to come in

and we hit him with a hammer

  1. And we hid him in the closet

in my father's r_m

  1. But you're always welcome

in our house

  1. Any time of the day
  1. Yes, you're always welcome

in our house

  1. And we hope you will stay
  1. Then a lady came to our house

Our house, our house

  1. A lady came to find out

why I was not in school

  1. So we asked her to come in

and we gave her some poison lemonade

  1. And hid her in the freezer

where it's nice and cool

  1. But you're always welcome in our house
  1. Any time of the day
  1. Yes, you're always welcome

in our house

  1. And we hope you will stay
  1. Then a kid came into our yard

Our yard, our yard

  1. A kid came into our yard

to get his ball

  1. So we asked him to come in

and we took him in the basement

  1. And we sealed him up inside

the basement wall

  1. But you're always welcome in our house
  1. Any time of the day
  1. Yes, you're always welcome

in our house

  1. And we hope you will stay
  1. So when you come to our house

Our house, our house

  1. When you come to our house

we will have some fun

  1. We will ask you to come in

and we will take you in the kitchen

  1. We will put you in the oven

until you are done

  1. But you're always welcome in our house
  1. Any time of the day
  1. Yes, you're always welcome

in our house

  1. And we hope you will stay
  1. And we know
  1. You will stay #

[applause]

[humming]

Yeah, one liver sandwich.

Chef! Why, that's beautiful!

[mock Swedish]

You know, I take one look at this

wedding cake and I feel like cying.

Heaven knows why.

[mock Swedish]

...de cake and de honions.

  - You what?
  - Honions.

Raw onions in a wedding cake?

Oh, ya, honions vey good

for the seen-isus.

  - Yeah, clears the head.
  - Ya.

This cake'll clear the church!

[humming]

  - Oh, curse these flies.
  - [buzzing]

They get all over the food.

Hey, what about my sandwich?

Here it is.

Great. Oh, liver sandwich, and say,

l'd like something on the side.

Well, there already

is something on the side.

Ah.

Mmm.

Yechh!

Yeah, aside from the raw onions,

it's a nice cake, chef.

[mock Swedish]

...here is dee Piggy bridey.

Hmm. I can see it's just

as light as a feather.

Ya.

Oh!

Pity we can't say the same

for the bride.

[humming]

Hey, hey! Come on,

Iet me throw one fish,

just one fish, then you'll see.

Uh, listen, when I book

a boomerang fish act on this show

some vey warm places will freeze over.

Thanks a lot! I'll wait over there.

But, uh...

Kermit, there's this dear,

little old lady in the audience

who wants your autograph

for her sick grandson. Sign here.

Oh, OK. Listen, is evemhing ready

for this dumb wedding sketch?

Sure, the set's onstage,

eveyone's in costume,

you signed the license...

uh, you signed the autograph.

  - What was that?
  - Oh, nothing. Introduce the wedding.

[Kermit stammers]

Go ahead.

Uh, uh, well, today, folks, Miss Piggy

has prepared a silly wedding sketch.

  - Naturally, it's just for fun, and...
  - Excuse me.

What is it?

Can we start soon? I'm saying vespers

at St. Anne's in half an hour.

What?

And now, the wedding sketch.

[organ music playing]

[gasping]

Oh, Marisa, do I look all right?

You look radiant, my dear.

  - [sighs]
  - [kisses]

[whimpering]

(# Bridal ChorusI

Uh, you sure this is gonna be funny?

Trust me.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today

to ioin this pig and this frog

in holy wedlock.

I guess eveyone cries at weddings.

[laughs]

No, cries at weddings.

Oh. [moaning]

lf there is anyone present who knows

why this pig and this frog

should not be ioined in matrimony,

let him speak now

or forever hold his peace.

[murmuring]

Do it!

Do you, Piggy, take this frog

to be your lamully wedded husband?

[sighing] I do.

And do you, Kermit, take this pig

to be your lamully wedded wife?

I …

I …

I wanna introduce to you

the amazing Lew Zealand

and his boomerang fish!

[lively band music plays]

[man vocalizing]

This is a comedy sketch, after all.

Well, it is now.

[shouting] Kermit!

We'll see if you laugh with

a flipper crammed down your throat!

[both screaming]

Close the curtains! We're done!

Uh, and so we come to the finish

of Miss Piggy's wedding sketch...

[Miss Piggy] That's not the finish.

This is the finish. Hi-ya!

[crash]

[applause]

Well, time seems to be running out,

not only for the show but for me.

So let us quickly welcome back

the lovely and talented

Miss Marisa Berenson, yay!

[applause]

  - Thank you, Kermit...
  - [Miss Piggy] Kermit!

Marisa, I'm gonna have to rush.

Would you mind saying goodnight for me?

  - Me?
  - Mm-hmm.

How exciting.

Exciting, Marisa,

you ain't seen nothin' yet!

[both screaming]

  - What do I say?
  - Just, We'll see you next time...

Kermit!

  - We'll see you next time...
  - On The Muppet Show.

Gotcha!

On The Muppet Show.

lf you guys let me hide here, I'll

give you tickets to next week's show.

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