Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Liberace? Uh, Liberace? Thirty seconds to curtain, Liberace.
Liberace Thank you. You know, Scooter … for years I've had piano-shaped finger rings and piano-shaped swimming pools...
Scooter Oh, I know that.
309-01
Liberace Well, I want to thank the Muppets for making my life complete. I now have a piano-shaped house pet.
The piano sprouts eyes and growls.
Scooter Whoa. … It wants to be walked.
Liberace Or tuned. (winks)

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Liberace! Yaaayy!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler & Waldorf Why must they get things started? (they chuckle)
309-02
Gonzo blows into his horn, with no result.
Gonzo Rats.
His horn plays a fanfare by itself.

Opening number

The canteen. Gonzo picks up his order.
Gonzo Thank you, Gladys.
A chained Animal startles Gonzo, knocking the food off his plate.
Animal FOOD!!! (pants)
309-03
Kermit Uh, excuse me, down there, for a second. Uh, I'd like you to be on your best behavior tonight because we have a real artist on the show, Liberace.
Animal (jumps) Liberace!
Floyd Cool it.
Animal (submits) Cool it, cool it!
Floyd Down. Easy. Stay.
Kermit Uh, okay, good. Now, listen. Uh, later on, Liberace is doing an entire concert for us, so I'd like some dignity on the show.
Animal (jumps) Dignity! Dignity! Dignity!
Floyd Down, Animal. Down, down.
Animal (submits) Down.
Kermit Floyd, maybe you better shorten his chain tonight.
Scooter Hey boss, you'd better get on stage. The show's started.
Kermit frantically rushes to the stage, tripping on something on the way.
Animal Dignity! Dignity!
Kermit Dignity, dignity.
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause and a fanfare.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome, again, to The Muppet Show. Hey, you're gonna have a real treat tonight because our very special guest star is the one and only Liberace! And later on in the show, he's going to play an entire concert for us.
309-04
A sad Rowlf walks by, holding a candelabra.
Kermit Don't take it personally, Rowlf. Anyhow, right now I'd like you to close your eyes and think of exotic Greek dancers. Because, if you open 'em, you'll see this.
309-05
Miss Piggy and the pigs perform the Greek number, "Never on Sunday," while dancing and smashing plates. A traditional Greek dance begins…
Pigs Hey, Zorba! Mykonos! … Hummus! … Retsina! … Baklava! Hey!
The tempo increases. Piggy cheers as plates get smashes.
Pig (RH) I love the bouzouki music!
Animal shows up with a bazooka.
309-06
Animal Bazooka?
Pig (RH) Bouzouki! Bouzouki!
Animal fires at one of the pillars. Applause.
Waldorf Greek music. Very appropriate for the pigs.
Statler The pigs are from Greece?
Waldorf The pigs are greasy.
They chuckle.


Backstage

The pigs pass by Kermit.
Kermit Okay, Piggy, you were good.
Miss Piggy I was great!
Kermit Right.
Scooter Hey — I thought we were into dignity tonight, chief. Those guys left a mess out there.
Kermit Well, that's true, but the next act will take care of the broken glass.
Scooter What's the next act?
Kermit Alfredo and Hildegard, the mop dancers.
Two Whatnots pass by with their mops. Kermit speaks to the one in the wig.
Kermit Hildegard, you look beautiful.
Whatnot (DG) I'm Alfredo.
Kermit Of course.
Scooter Great planning, chief.
Fletcher Bird Uh, excuse me. I'm looking for...
309-07
Kermit Check upstairs. The dressing room with the star on it.
Fletcher goes upstairs and enters the dressing room.
Scooter What's that all about?
Kermit Well, you see, Liberace is planning his whole concert — uh, his whole concert around our feathered friends. He's auditioning birds in his dressing room.
WHOOSH! Enter Gonzo.
309-08
Gonzo Auditioning birds? But he hasn't seen my chicken act! Nellie! Camilla! Get your tap shoes, your seltzer bottles, your bunny ears! Wait till Liberace sees this bird act.
Kermit Good grief. Uh, hey Scooter, tell Swedish Chef his percolator act is next.
Scooter Check.

Canteen

Floyd Hey, Gladys. Where's that fried egg I ordered?
Gladys Oh! Chef, where's that fried egg Floyd ordered?
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish)
Gladys Yeah, great. Just give it to me.
Scooter Oh, Swedish Chef! On stage for the percolator act!
The Chef plops the egg on Gladys's hand and rushes onstage. Gladys walks over to Floyd and plops the egg on the table.
309-09
Floyd That's it, huh?
Gladys 'Fraid so, honey. (walks away)
Floyd Can I have a handful of coffee to go with it?

The Swedish Chef / Veterinarian's Hospital

Open on the Chef, dancing with two pepper grinders.
Swedish Chef (sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
He tosses them and displays a coffee percolator.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … de përkølåtör. I përkølåte de cøffëe.
He turns it on and hums while it percolates. He hears a strange sound, and removes his hat to find a percolator on his head! The Veterinarian's Hospital cast rushes in.
Swedish Chef Whåt de hëy?
Janice Oh, wow, Dr. Bob. What's wrong with this man?
309-10
Rowlf Oh, I think he has an advanced case of ingrown coffeepot.
Miss Piggy (laughs) Is it rare?
Rowlf Yes. Usually it's found in hedgehogs.
Janice In hedgehogs?
Rowlf Surely you've heard of perk-upines?
They all laugh.
Rowlf On the other hand, pigs also suffer from it.
Miss Piggy Pigs?
Rowlf Yes, haven't you heard of pork-ulators?
They all laugh.
Announcer So Dr. Bob has made a house call. Tune in next time when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say …
Miss Piggy Dr. Bob, should we get him to a hospital?
Rowlf No. Just keep him away from policemen.
Janice Why?
Rowlf He'll get a perk-ing ticket.
They all laugh.

Backstage

Kermit Okay. I didn't understand that, but uh, whatever it was. Uh, thank you, Swedish Hospital Veterinarian Chef. Well, so much for dignity.
Fozzie Kermit, Kermit, Kermit. Oh, boy. Everybody here is really excited about the — the concert Liberace's doing with all birds.
Kermit So I've noticed.
Fozzie Yeah, yeah, especially Gonzo.
Kermit You're telling me. I had to put a security guard on Liberace's dressing room door.
Gonzo talks to the guard.
Gonzo I'm telling you, he's got to see my chickens.
Guard Liberace ain't using no chickens in his concert.
Gonzo Well - then maybe he'll see me.
Guard He's only seeing birds.
309-11
Gonzo I'm a bird. Yeah, I'm a — I'm a turkey.
Guard You're not a real turkey.
Gonzo Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?
Guard (peers in door) Hey, Lee, I got this real turkey to see you.
Gonzo whooshes in.

Muppet newsflash

Newsman Here is a Muppet news flash. Work was started today on the remodeling of the Muppet news studio, and it is said that... Oh!
309-12
A wrecking ball plows through the wall, startling him.

A word from Liberace

309-13
Liberace It won't be long now. I'm down to the ten finalists in the bird auditions.

UK spot

Open on Piggy, the opera diva, standing on the opera stage.
Miss Piggy

(speaking:) I'm getting so tired of these comedy songs.
I want to sing something divine.
I'm sure and I'm certain to shine,
As a star in the opera line.
I simply love Wagner, Mozart and Puccini.
Their music is simply tip top.
From now on, Miss Piggy'll be known as Piggini,
And see if I can't get a job.
(singing:) I want to sing in operrrra!
I've got that kind of voice,
I'd always sing in operrra
If I could have my choice!
Signore Caruso told me I ought to do so!
That's why I want to sing in opera,
Sing in op-op-op-op-opera!

Three other pigs join her, including Link.
Miss Piggy Come in, boys. On three. One, two, three.
Pigs

She wants to sing in opera.
She's got that kind of voice.
She'd love to sing in opera
If she could have her choice.

309-14
Miss Piggy

Signore Carrrrruso told me I ought to do so!
That's why I want to sing in opera,
Sing in op-op-op-op-opera!

Pigs To sing! (To sing, to sing!) To sing! (Opera!) To sing! (Opera, opera!) (Opera, opera!)
Miss Piggy All right, knock it off!
Applause. The pigs bow.

Concert

Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, the Muppets are pleased and honored to turn over the rest of tonight's show to one of the world's most amazing performers. Here he is, in concert, what we've all been waiting for, ladies and gentlemen, Liberace!
309-15
The curtain opens. Liberace bows, removes his cape and sits at the piano. He begins with an elaborate variation of "Chopsticks". He gets up and bows.
Liberace Thank you. Thank you very much. I can't tell you how much fun it is doing this show.
Waldorf Sure, it's fun doing the show!
Statler Mm. Try watching the show and see how much fun it is!
They chuckle.
Liberace Hey, I've heard about you guys, and I'm not going to let you spoil things. I'm going to do something for the first time. I'm going to dedicate an entire concert to all the birds. I think you'll enjoy it.
Statler If we do, that'll be another first. (laughs with Waldorf)
Liberace Well, listen, you guys. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything.
Waldorf Well, that's one way of keeping us quiet.
Statler (laughs)
Liberace Good. Oh, before I get started, I just want to explain. I know, perhaps, you'll be looking at my fingers and wondering if they're real.
Cut to a close-up of his diamond-studded rings.
Liberace They are real diamonds. … I'm glad you want to see them, because let's face it, you bought it. (laughs) You know what, there's enough karats here to feed all the rabbits in the world. (laughs)
Waldorf Well, what do you think?
Statler (looking through a lens) Yep, they're real, all right.
Liberace (sits down) Well, without further ado, let's begin our special concert dedicated to all the birds.
Green bird I can hardly wait.
Liberace Thank you, little fella.
309-16 309-17
He plays "Misty", as the set changes to a a foggy bay setting with seagulls flying around. This is followed by Chopin's "Nocturne in F Sharp", which is accompanied by a flock of bird dancers.
Applause.
Liberace Well, do you like what you've heard so far?
Statler Yes!
Waldorf You've spoiled a perfect record.
Statler Mm!
Liberace Well, I'm pleased you liked it so far.
Sam the Eagle Mr. Liberace?
Liberace Hello, Sam. How's everything?
Sam the Eagle So far everything has been very cultural. And that worries me, sir.
Liberace Well, I thought you liked culture.
Sam the Eagle Mm.
Liberace I played the Nocturne especially for you.
Sam the Eagle Okay.
Liberace I dedicated it to the birds.
309-18
Sam the Eagle Yes, yes, yes. But! I know this show, and I have seen your work too, sir. Because you have now played Chopin, it follow,s as night follows day, that soon you will be wearing a rhinestone tuxedo, and playing shameless boogie-woogie.
Liberace I promise you, Sam, I won't be doing that soon.
Sam the Eagle No?
Liberace I'm gonna do it right now.
Sam facepalms and walks offstage as Liberace goes to town on the keys. He then sings as some Gawky birds take the stage.
Liberace

Eight foot two, eyes of blue,
But, what those eight feet can do!
Has anybody seen my bird? Tall and bright, what a sight!
Feathered friends of such a height.
Has anybody seen my bird?

Birds

Now, if you run into an eight foot two,
Feathered and fine,
Lovely wings, all those things …

Liberace Bet your life, that bird is mine!
Birds Oh, could she bill, could she coo!
Liberace Could she cock-a-doodle-do!
Birds Has anybody seen my …
Liberace … bird?
Birds There he is! (cheering)
The birds cheer as Fletcher does a Charleston.
Liberace Take over, Rowlf.
Rowlf Okay.
Rowlf takes over as Liberace dances with Fletcher.
Birds Oh, it's Liberace. Oh, look at that, he's dancing with you.
Statler and Waldorf dance along. The birds from the ballot join the fun onstage.
Birds

Now, if you run into an eight foot two,
Feathered and fine,
Lovely wings, all those things …

Liberace Bet your life, that bird is mine!
Birds

Oh, could she bill, could she coo! Could she cock-a-doodle-do!

Liberace & birds

Has anybody seen my …
Bet your life she's been by…
Has anybody seen my bird?

Applause.
309-19

Goodnights

Kermit Well, it's been a very special show, and we owe it all to our very special guest! Ladies and gentlemen, Liberace! YAAAAYY!
Applause.
Liberace (bows) Thank you. Thank you, Kermit. It's really been fun doing a special concert for you.
Gonzo (whoosh!) But you didn't use my chicken act.
Kermit Gonzo! You didn't show Liberace that awful tap dancing chicken act, did you?
Liberace Of course he did. They do it in bunny ears. I'm using it in my new Las Vegas act.
Gonzo That's wonderful!
309-20
Liberace I've already ordered the rhinestone bunny ears.
Kermit I — I don't believe this! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! They make rhinestone bunny ears?…
Liberace wiggles his ringed fingers as birds and other Muppets flock the stage. The credits roll.
Statler Finally, we've seen them do a good show.
Waldorf Good. Can we please stop coming now?
Statler (laughs)
Atv zoot
THE END

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