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Episode 309: Liberace/transcript

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Liberace? Uh, Liberace?

Thim??? seconds to curtain, Liberace.

Thank you.

You know, Scooter, for years I've had piano-shaped finger rings, piano-shaped swimming pools...

I know that.

Well, I want to thank the Muppets for making my life complete. I now have a piano-shaped house pet.

[piano growling]


It wants to be walked.

Or tuned.

[drum roll]

It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Liberace. Yeah!

♪ It's time to play the music It's time to light the light

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

♪ It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right

♪ It's time to get things started

♪ Why don't you get things started?

♪ Why must they get things started?

♪ It's time to get things started

♪ On the most sensational, inspirational

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational

♪ This is what we call The Muppet Show!



[fanfare playing]

Thank you, Gladys.



Excuse me, down there, for a second. I'd like you to be on your best behavior tonight because we have a real artist on the show, Liberace.


Cool it.

Cool it, cool it!

Down. Easy. Stay.

OK, good. Now, listen. Later on, Liberace is doing an entire concert for us, so I'd like some dignity on the show.

Dignity! Dignity! Dignity!

Down, Animal. Down, down.


Floyd, maybe you better shorten his chain tonight.

Boss, you better get on stage. The show's started.

Oh, sheesh.

[Animal] Dignity! Dignity!


Dignity, dignity.

Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome, again, to the Muppet Show. You're gonna have a real treat tonight because our very special guest star is the one and only Liberace. Later on in the show, he's going to play an entire concert for us.


Don't take it personally, Rowlf.

Anyhow, right now I'd like you to close your eyes and think of exotic Greek dancers. Because, if you open them, you'll see this.

♪ Never on Sunday]

♪ Oh, you can kiss me on a Monday, a Monday

♪ A Monday is very, very good

♪ Oh, you can kiss me on a Tuesday A Tuesday, a Tuesday

♪ In fact, I wish you would

♪ Oh, you can kiss me on a Wednesday, a Thursday, a Friday

♪ A Saturday is best

[glass crashing]

♪ But you never, never on a Sunday, a Sunday, a Sunday

♪ 'Cause that's my day of rest

♪ Just name the day

♪ That you like the best

♪ Only stay away

♪ On my day of rest

♪ Oh, you can kiss me on a bleak day, a freak day, a weekday

♪ Oh, you can be my guest

♪ But never, never on a Sunday, a Sunday

♪ The one day I need a little rest

Hey, Zorba.




[shouting in Greek]


[men shouting in Greek]



[tempo increases]

[indistinct chattering]



[tempo increases]


[all shouting indistinctly]

I love the bazookie music!

[plates breaking]


Bazookie! Bazookie.



Greek music. Very appropriate for the pigs.

The pigs are from Greece?

The pigs are greasy.

OK, Piggy, you were good.

I was great.


I thought we were into dignity tonight, chief. Those guys left a mess out there.

True, but the next act'll take care of the broken glass.

What's the next act?

Alfredo and Hildegard, the mop dancers.

Hildegard, you look beautiful.

I'm Alfredo.

Of course.

Great planning, chief.

Excuse me. I'm looking for...

Check upstairs. The dressing room with the star on it.

What's that all about?

Well, you see, Liberace is planning his whole concert around our feathered friends.

He's auditioning birds in his dressing room.

Auditioning birds?

But he hasn't seen my chicken act! Nellie, Camilla, get your tap shoes, your seltzer bottles, your bunny ears. Wait till Liberace sees this bird act.

Good grief.

Scooter, tell Swedish Chef his percolator act is next.


Hey, Gladys.

Where's that fried egg I ordered?

Oh! Chef, where's that fried egg Floyd ordered?

[mock Swedish]

Yeah, great. Just give it to me.

Oh, Swedish Chef, on stage for the percolator act.

[talking excitedly]

That's it, huh?

'Fraid so, honey.

Can I have a handful of coffee to go with it?

[up-tempo music playing]

[mock Swedish]


I percolate the coffee.



[mock Swedish]

What the hey?

Wow, Dr. Bob. What's wrong with this man?

Oh, I think he has an advanced case of ingrown coffeepot.

Is it rare? Yes. Usually it's found in hedgehogs.

In hedgehogs?

Surely you've heard of perc-upines?

On the other hand, pigs also suffer from it.


Haven't you heard of pork-ulators?

So Dr. Bob has made a house call. Tune in next time when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say:

Dr. Bob, should we get him to a hospital?

No. Just keep him away from policemen.


He'll get a perk-ing ticket.

OK. I didn't understand that, whatever it was.

Thank you, Swedish Hospital Veterinarian Chef.

Well, so much for dignity.

Kermit, Kermit, Kermit. Oh, boy.

Everybody here is really excited about the concert Liberace's doing with birds.

So I've noticed.

Especially Gonzo.

I had to put a security guard on Liberace's dressing room door.

I'm telling you, he's got to see my chickens.

Liberace ain't using no chickens in his concert.

Then maybe he'll see me.

He's only seeing birds.

I'm a bird. Yeah, I'm a turkey.

You're not a real turkey.

Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?

Hey, Lee, I got this real turkey to see you.

Here is a Muppet news flash. Work was started today on the remodeling of the Muppet news studio. And it is said that... Oh!

It won't be long now.

I'm down to the ten finalists in the bird auditions.

♪ I Want to Sing in Opera

♪ I'm getting so tired of these comedy songs

♪ I want to sing something divine

♪ I'm sure and I'm certain to shine

♪ As a star in the opera line

♪ I simply love Wagner, Mozart and Puccini

♪ Their music is simply tip top

♪ From now on, Miss Piggy will be known as Piggini

♪ And see if I can't get a job

♪ I want to sing in opera

♪ I've got that kind of voice

♪ I'd always sing in opera

♪ If I could have my choice

♪ Signore Caruso

♪ Told me I ought to do so

♪ That's why I want to sing in opera

♪ Sing in op-op-op-op-opera

Come in, boys.

On three. One, two, three.

♪ She wants to sing in opera

♪ She's got that kind of voice

♪ She'd love to sing in opera

♪ If she could have her choice

♪ Signor Caruso

♪ Told me I ought to do so

♪ That's why I want to sing in opera

♪ Sing in op-op-op-op-opera

♪ To sing, to sing

♪ Is she going to sing?

[overlapping operatic voices]

[Miss Piggy] All right, knock it off!

[applause, shouting]

Ladies and gentlemen, the Muppets are pleased and honored to turn over the rest of tonight's show to one of the world's most amazing performers. Here he is, in concert, what we've all been waiting for. Ladies and gentlemen, Liberace.

[♪ Chopsticks]

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I can't tell you how much fun it is doing this show.

Sure, it's fun doing the show.

Try watching the show and see how much fun it is.

I've heard about you guys, and I'm not going to let you spoil things. I'm going to do something for the first time. I'm going to dedicate an entire concert to all the birds. I think you'll enjoy it.

If we do, that'll be another first.

Well, listen, you guys. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything.

Well, that's one way of keeping us quiet.


Before I get started, I just want to explain. I know, perhaps, you'll be looking at my fingers and wondering if they're real. They are real diamonds. I'm glad you want to see them, because let's face it, you bought it. There's enough karats here to feed all the rabbits in the world.

Well, what do you think?

Yep, they're real, all right.

Well, without further ado, let's begin our special concert dedicated to all the birds.

I can hardly wait.

Thank you, little fella.

[♪ Misty]

[♪ Nocturne in F Sharp]

Well, do you like what you've heard so far?


You've spoiled a perfect record.

Well, I'm pleased you like it so far.

Mr. Liberace?

Hello, Sam. How's everything?

So far the evening has been very cultural. And that worries me, sir.

Well, I thought you liked culture.

I played the Nocturne especially for you. I dedicated it to the birds.

Yes, yes, yes. I know this show, and I have seen your work too, sir. Because you have now played Chopin, it follows as night follows day that soon you will be wearing a rhinestone tuxedo and playing shameless boogie-woogie.

I promise you, Sam, I won't be doing that soon.


I'm gonna do it right now.

[boogie-woogie music]

[♪ five foot Two]

♪ Eight foot mo???, eyes of blue

♪ But, what those eight feet can do

♪ Has anybody seen my bird?

♪ Tall and bright, what a sight

♪ Feathered friends of such a height

♪ Has anybody seen my bird?

♪ Wow, if you run into an eightfoot mo???

♪ Feathered and fine

♪ Lovely wings, all those things

♪ Bet your life, that bird is mine

♪ Oh, could she bill Could she coo

♪ Could she cock-a-doodle-do

♪ Has anybody seen my bird?

There he is!

[♪ Charleston]

Take over, Rowlf.


Oh, it's Liberace.

Oh, look at that, he's dancing with you.

♪ Now, if you run into an eight foot mo feathered and fine

♪ Lovely wings, all those things

♪ Bet your life that bird is mine

♪ Oh, could she bill, could she coo

♪ Could she cock-a-doodle-do

♪ Has anybody seen my

♪ Bet your life she's been by

♪ Has anybody seen my bird?

Well, it's been a very special show, and we owe it all to our very special guest. Ladies and gentlemen, Liberace. Yeah!

Thank you. Thank you, Kermit.

It's really been fun doing a special concert for you.

But you didn't use my chicken act.

Gonzo! You didn't show Liberace that ???amul??? tap dancing chicken act, did you?

Of course he did. They do it in bunny ears.

I'm using it in my new Las Vegas act.

That's wonderful.

I've already ordered the rhinestone bunny ears.

I don't believe this. See you next time on The Muppet Show.

They make rhinestone bunny ears?

[indistinct chattering]

Finally, we've seen them do a good show.

Good. Can we please stop coming now?

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