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Episode 308: Loretta Lynn/transcript

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Cold Open

Scooter approaches a train car and knocks on the door.
Scooter Loretta Lynn? Loretta Lynn? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Ms. Lynn!
Loretta exits the train car with her luggage. The crowd applauds.
Loretta Scooter! Kermit said you'd meet me here at the train station.
Scooter Well, here I am!
Loretta Terrific! Where's the theater?
Scooter Oh, uh, bad news, Loretta.
Loretta What?
Scooter We can't use the Muppet Theater tonight.
Loretta Well, what are we gonna use, then?
The train begins to depart, revealing the train platform.
308-1
Scooter Platform 2.

Theme

Kermit appears in a makeshift version of the typical Muppet Show sign.
TMSbadlogoLynn
Kermit It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Ms. Loretta Lynn! Music!
Fozzie and George the Janitor lift up the flat and begin to take it offstage. The orchestra plays an out-of-tune version of the theme.
Fozzie Okay, let's go this way. This way, over here. No, this way! Sorry. Ahhh!
A conductor approaches Kermit.
Conductor Can I see your ticket?
Kermit Huh?
308-1.5
A chicken joins the limited orchestra of Floyd, Zoot, Animal and Rowlf.
Rowlf Hey, you know who's conducting? The conductor.
Female Chorus

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
At the railroad track tonight

Male Chorus

It's time to make up scenery
Let's hope we do it right

Kermit

It's time to get things started

Muppets

On the most sensational, inspirational

Fozzie

This week's sort of railroad station-al

Muppets

This is what we call The Muppet Show!

Gonzo strolls in with his horn.
Gonzo This is gonna be terrific, Kermit!
308-2
Gonzo blows his horn, which emits a train whistle.

Opening number

26 00:01:27,133 --> 00:01:30,803 Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to rhe Muppet Show.

27 00:01:30,866 --> 00:01:35,136 Our vey special guest star tonight is the most awarded lady in county music,

28 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:36,601 Miss Loretta Lynn.

29 00:01:36,666 --> 00:01:40,102 But first l think l owe you an explanation about tonight's show.

30 00:01:40,166 --> 00:01:43,936 You see, the regular Muppet theater is being fumigated

31 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:47,169 and we had to find another place to do the show.

32 00:01:47,233 --> 00:01:50,769 - The only place we could find was... - Psst. Psst. Kermit. Kermit.

33 00:01:50,833 --> 00:01:52,801 - What is it, Gonzo? - Better hury.

34 00:01:52,866 --> 00:01:54,601 There's one coming now.

35 00:01:54,666 --> 00:01:57,635 The only other place we could find was this deserted...

36 00:01:57,700 --> 00:02:01,703 [train roaring]

37 00:02:02,733 --> 00:02:05,368 ...or nearly deserted train station.

38 00:02:07,099 --> 00:02:08,801 Oh, it's Loretta Lynn.

39 00:02:08,866 --> 00:02:10,867 [applause]

40 00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:16,069 ls it really true we're doing the show from the station here?

41 00:02:16,133 --> 00:02:19,069 Well, uh, Loretta, that is a vey difficult question.

42 00:02:19,133 --> 00:02:20,801 And, uh, the, uh...

43 00:02:20,866 --> 00:02:24,102 The, uh... Well, the answer is... yes.

44 00:02:24,166 --> 00:02:28,069 Well, don't wory about it 'cause us county singers can sing anywhere.

45 00:02:28,133 --> 00:02:31,436 Oh. WonderFul. OK, ladies and gentlemen, here she is.

46 00:02:31,500 --> 00:02:35,503 The most talented and cooperative of guest stars, Miss Loretta Lynn.

47 00:02:36,500 --> 00:02:39,970 I# You're Lookin' At CountyI

48 00:02:43,033 --> 00:02:46,369

  1. Well, l like my lovin'

done county style

49 00:02:46,433 --> 00:02:49,102

  1. And this little girl

would walk a county mile

50 00:02:49,166 --> 00:02:52,802

  1. To find her a g_ old

slow-talking county boy

51 00:02:52,866 --> 00:02:55,134

  1. l said a county boy

52 00:02:55,199 --> 00:02:58,236

  1. l'm about as old-fashioned as l can be

53 00:02:58,300 --> 00:03:00,635

  1. So, l hope you're liking what you see

54 00:03:01,933 --> 00:03:04,168

  1. 'Cause if you're lookin' at me

55 00:03:04,766 --> 00:03:07,635

  1. You're looking at county

56 00:03:08,599 --> 00:03:11,502

  1. You don't see no city

when you look at me

57 00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:14,001

  1. 'Cause county's all l am

58 00:03:14,066 --> 00:03:17,736

  1. l love running barefooted

through the old corn fields

59 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:21,503

  1. And l love that county ham

60 00:03:22,166 --> 00:03:25,202

  1. Well, you say l'm a maid

justto fit your plans

61 00:03:25,266 --> 00:03:27,935

  1. But there's a barnyard shovel

fit your hands

62 00:03:29,033 --> 00:03:31,201

  1. If your eyes are on me

63 00:03:31,699 --> 00:03:34,402

  1. You're looking at county

64 00:03:35,466 --> 00:03:37,334 Oh, let's hear it now, boys.

65 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:44,802

  1. Well, this here county

is a little green

66 00:03:44,866 --> 00:03:48,069

  1. But there's a whole lot of county

that you ain't seen

67 00:03:48,133 --> 00:03:51,669

  1. l'll show you around

if you show me a wedding band

68 00:03:51,733 --> 00:03:53,768

  1. l said a wedding band

69 00:03:53,833 --> 00:03:57,203

  1. When it comes to love,

well, l know about that

70 00:03:57,266 --> 00:03:59,635

  1. County folks all know

where it's at

71 00:04:01,099 --> 00:04:03,769 - # If you're looking at me - Yeah, tell 'em.

72 00:04:03,833 --> 00:04:06,101

  1. You're looking at county

73 00:04:21,866 --> 00:04:24,668

  1. Well, you say l'm a maid

justto fit your plans

74 00:04:24,733 --> 00:04:27,335

  1. But there's a barnyard shovel

fit your hands

75 00:04:28,433 --> 00:04:30,568

  1. If your eyes are on me

76 00:04:31,366 --> 00:04:33,835

  1. You're looking at county

77 00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:37,402 - # If youreyes are on me - [muppet] # Ah-hah!

78 00:04:37,466 --> 00:04:40,302

  1. You're looking at county #

79 00:04:52,333 --> 00:04:55,035 - l bought a round trip ticket. - To where?

80 00:04:55,100 --> 00:04:56,968 To here, stupid.

Railroad

81 00:05:01,133 --> 00:05:03,268 OK, all right. Nice number, you guys.

82 00:05:03,333 --> 00:05:06,302 Let's see. What's next? Tap dancers on stage please.

83 00:05:06,366 --> 00:05:08,367 Abe, Bernie, get out there, you guys.

84 00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:11,836 - [chickens clucking] - Will you guys be quiet please?

85 00:05:13,133 --> 00:05:16,135 Where are you going? You got my coffee cup there.

86 00:05:16,199 --> 00:05:17,668 [cup crashing]

87 00:05:19,233 --> 00:05:20,901 This is never going to work.

88 00:05:20,966 --> 00:05:22,901 - Gonzo! - Yes, Kermit?

89 00:05:22,966 --> 00:05:27,303 l should never have let you talk me into doing this show from a railroad depot.

90 00:05:27,366 --> 00:05:29,434 But it was the only place available.

91 00:05:29,500 --> 00:05:32,269 They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.

92 00:05:33,666 --> 00:05:35,401 Anyway, the show's going great.

93 00:05:35,466 --> 00:05:37,868 lt's not just the show. It's backstage here.

94 00:05:37,933 --> 00:05:40,635 l can't use this place here as an office.

95 00:05:40,699 --> 00:05:42,268 lt's not so bad.

96 00:05:42,333 --> 00:05:44,935 l mean, so a train goes by once in a while.

97 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:46,334 Who notices?

98 00:05:46,399 --> 00:05:48,969 - [train approaching] - [both screaming]

99 00:05:54,433 --> 00:05:55,734 Gonzo.

100 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:57,134 Thank you.

101 00:05:57,199 --> 00:05:59,402 - [sighs] - l'll find you a quieter place.

"All Alone"

102 00:06:02,199 --> 00:06:05,736 - (# All AloneI - [sighs]

103 00:06:10,266 --> 00:06:12,701

  1. All alone

104 00:06:12,766 --> 00:06:15,702

  1. l'm so all alone

105 00:06:15,766 --> 00:06:18,401 - Oh, train on track one! - Track one!

106 00:06:18,466 --> 00:06:21,936 - l heard him. - Come on, Mommy. We'll miss the train.

107 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:24,168 l'm perForming. Do you mind?

108 00:06:25,166 --> 00:06:27,067

  1. All alone

109 00:06:27,133 --> 00:06:30,669

  1. By the telephone

110 00:06:30,733 --> 00:06:32,801 Track mo. Track mo, eveybody.

111 00:06:32,866 --> 00:06:35,501 - Tracking mo. - It's on the other platForm.

112 00:06:35,566 --> 00:06:38,235 - We're gonna miss it. - Track mo, track mo.

113 00:06:38,300 --> 00:06:40,402 Will you get...

114 00:06:40,466 --> 00:06:41,800 Hold it!

115 00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:45,402 Thank you. Hi-ya!

116 00:06:45,466 --> 00:06:48,268 - [grunting] - [crashing]

117 00:06:48,333 --> 00:06:49,901 [phone ringing]

118 00:06:49,966 --> 00:06:51,967 Forget it. It's too late now.

Muppet News Flash

The Newsman appears in the station's newsstand, decorated with his usual set features.
Newsman Here is a Muppet News Flash!
Pig Uh, excuse me. Uh, uh, how much is a Pig News here?
Newsman Wh-will you get out of here?!
Pig Hm? (sees the camera) Oh, oh, oh. (runs off)
Newsman Deliveries of letters and parcels may be delayed as a result of a strike by mailbag handlers due to take effect immediately.
A mail handler pig drags a stack of mailbags in front of the newsstand.
308-8
Newsman (groans) However, delivery of air mail will continue as normal.
A mailbag falls on the Newsman.

Railroad

129 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:24,068 This is a terrific place for you, Kermit.

130 00:07:24,133 --> 00:07:26,735 You can keep an eye on the whole show from up here.

131 00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:29,569 At least it's a lot quieter than the baggage room.

132 00:07:29,633 --> 00:07:32,702 Nobody will bother you here. This car is out of service.

133 00:07:32,766 --> 00:07:34,834 - You're sure about that? - Trust me.

134 00:07:34,899 --> 00:07:36,334 All aboard.

135 00:07:36,399 --> 00:07:37,534 [steam hissing]

136 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:39,802 - Gonzo. - l better check the timetable.

137 00:07:39,866 --> 00:07:41,200 lt's too late for that.

138 00:07:41,266 --> 00:07:45,269 - Scooter? Scooter? - Boss! Where you going?

139 00:07:45,333 --> 00:07:47,068 - l don't know. - Pittsburgh.

140 00:07:47,966 --> 00:07:49,734 Scooter, take over for me.

141 00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:52,269 l'll be back as soon as l can. This is terrible.

142 00:07:52,333 --> 00:07:54,935 l'll say. We have to change trains in Altoona.

143 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:56,267 Gonzo!

144 00:07:56,333 --> 00:07:58,401 OK, boss, you can trust me.

Fozzie's Comedy Spot

145 00:07:59,333 --> 00:08:03,837 Uh, ladies and gentlemen, here he is, our own favorite funny fury man...

146 00:08:03,899 --> 00:08:05,568 [Fozzie] Scooter! Scooter!

147 00:08:05,633 --> 00:08:08,402 Please don't introduce me. l don't have an act ready.

148 00:08:08,466 --> 00:08:10,835 lt's all right. Tell them the joke you told me.

149 00:08:10,899 --> 00:08:13,402 The one about the electricians and the polar bear.

150 00:08:13,466 --> 00:08:16,468 You liked the one about the electricians and the polar bear?

151 00:08:16,533 --> 00:08:18,968 lt's a masterpiece. l laughed for days.

152 00:08:19,033 --> 00:08:20,334 lntroduce me.

153 00:08:20,399 --> 00:08:22,969 Ladies and gentlemen, Fozzie Bear!

154 00:08:23,033 --> 00:08:25,402 Hey-ya, hey-ya, hey-ya, hey-ya.

155 00:08:25,466 --> 00:08:29,269 Did you hear about the electricians and the polar bear? First of all...

156 00:08:29,333 --> 00:08:30,934 [train passing by]

157 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,001 [train whistle blows]

158 00:08:34,866 --> 00:08:37,535 No, but the wallpaper tasted terrific, he said.

159 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:38,934 [silence]

160 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,434 The polar bear said that.

161 00:08:40,500 --> 00:08:43,469 He didn't... The electrician... Oh, l'm so lonely.

At the Dance

Two hobos enter.
Hobo 1 Well, here's the train depot, Fred.
Fred Yeah, well, let's find the kettle corn, get some sleep.
Dissolve to a chandelier with the typical "At the Dance" score.
Female Pig Uh, you know, for a teenager, you're very mature.
Male Pig Well, I've been shaving for over a year now.
Female Pig Oh, really?
Male Pig Hm-hmm. I cut myself both times.
The hobos have made their way to the dance floor.
Fred Heh. You ever seen people dancin' in a train station?
Hobo 1 People, yes. Pigs, never.
Female Dancer Uh, who's the most humorless man in the whole world?
Male Dancer Hoah, let's see...humorless man...uh. I give up, who?
Female Dancer You are, fat head!
Male Dancer (laughs) ...I don't get it.
308-12
Hobo 1 Hey, these folks are dancin' and tellin' jokes!
Fred Well...they're dancin'.
Gray Man Ow, ow, ow!
Fred What is it?! What's wrong?!
Gray Man My feet are killin' me!
The man's feet repeatedly kick him in the head.

U.K. Spot

182 00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:58,169 Gee, l wonder where Kermit and Gonzo are.

183 00:09:58,233 --> 00:10:00,368 - [clucking] - l hope they're all right.

184 00:10:01,500 --> 00:10:02,667 Yeah.

185 00:10:02,733 --> 00:10:04,701 Uh, this is ridiculous, Gonzo.

186 00:10:05,366 --> 00:10:07,634 But at least we found a stupid handcar.

187 00:10:07,700 --> 00:10:09,768 Kermit, relax with it.

188 00:10:09,833 --> 00:10:13,603 l mean, it's fun. Doesn't this take you back to the age of railroading?

189 00:10:13,666 --> 00:10:16,035 l just want it to take me back to the station.

190 00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:18,501 Ah, the romance of it all.

191 00:10:18,566 --> 00:10:19,934 (# Sentimental JourneyI

192 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:24,104

  1. Gonna take a sentimentaljourney

193 00:10:24,166 --> 00:10:26,301 l don't believe this. He's gonna sing?

194 00:10:29,033 --> 00:10:33,937

  1. Gonna make a sentimentaljourney

195 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:37,403

  1. To renew old memories

196 00:10:37,466 --> 00:10:41,436 Forget about renewing your memories. Wory about renewing your contract.

197 00:10:42,666 --> 00:10:46,736

  1. l've got my bag

l've got my reservation

198 00:10:46,799 --> 00:10:50,136 We're gonna have sprained backs by the time this is over.

199 00:10:51,733 --> 00:10:56,003

  1. Like a child

in wild anticipation

200 00:10:56,066 --> 00:11:00,270

  1. Long to hear that all aboard

201 00:11:00,333 --> 00:11:02,935 - # Seven - # Seven

202 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:05,902

  1. That's the time we leave, at seven

203 00:11:05,966 --> 00:11:07,267

  1. At seven

204 00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:10,903

  1. l'll be waiting up for heaven

205 00:11:10,966 --> 00:11:12,033 Take it.

206 00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:15,937

  1. Counting evey mile of railroad track

207 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:19,203 Ooh, l'm sory. Big finish.

208 00:11:19,266 --> 00:11:23,703

  1. Wever thought

my heart could be so yearning

209 00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:28,170

  1. Why did l decide to roam?

210 00:11:28,233 --> 00:11:32,804

  1. Gonna take a sentimentaljourney

211 00:11:32,866 --> 00:11:38,605

  1. Sentimental journey home #

212 00:11:38,666 --> 00:11:41,368 - Come on, Gonzo, move this thing. - All right. OK.

213 00:11:41,433 --> 00:11:42,967 Here we go.

214 00:11:43,033 --> 00:11:45,635 - [gibberish] - Faster.

215 00:11:45,700 --> 00:11:47,802 Well, Kermit, did you like the song?

216 00:11:47,866 --> 00:11:49,801 We gotta get there.

217 00:11:49,866 --> 00:11:52,001 - Go, go, Gonzo. - Hury!

218 00:11:52,066 --> 00:11:54,401 - We're almost there. - [Kermit] Faster!

"Oh, Lonesome Me"

219 00:11:57,066 --> 00:11:59,101 Say, how's the show going?

220 00:11:59,166 --> 00:12:01,601 Oh, pre_ good, but l wish Kermit was here.

221 00:12:01,666 --> 00:12:03,100 What's the next act?

222 00:12:03,166 --> 00:12:05,935 Winky Pinkerton. He does bird impressions.

223 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,634 Cluck. Tweet meet.

224 00:12:07,700 --> 00:12:09,001 Cock-a-doodle-do.

225 00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:11,635 - Good luck. - Break a beak.

226 00:12:11,700 --> 00:12:13,168 [laughing]

227 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,234 Say, l'm iust thrilled to pieces

228 00:12:15,299 --> 00:12:18,636 you're doing this big TV show here in our train depot.

229 00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:20,268 Yeah, well, we like it too.

230 00:12:20,333 --> 00:12:23,335 Say, tell me something, though. Where's Loretta Lynn?

231 00:12:23,399 --> 00:12:25,435 Oh, she's here in her dressing room.

232 00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:29,902 - Oh, hi, guys. - Hi.

233 00:12:29,966 --> 00:12:33,636 Say, how come you put a big star like Loretta Lynn in a broom closet?

234 00:12:33,700 --> 00:12:35,868 'Cause the boiler room was full of pigs.

235 00:12:35,933 --> 00:12:37,534 Oh, l don't mind.

236 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:40,869 l'm just relaxing and singing some old songs.

237 00:12:40,933 --> 00:12:42,467 Remember this one?

238 00:12:42,533 --> 00:12:47,104 I# Oh, Lonesome MeI

239 00:12:47,166 --> 00:12:50,569

  1. Eveybody's going out and having fun

240 00:12:51,366 --> 00:12:55,303

  1. l'mjust a fool for staying home

and having none

241 00:12:56,299 --> 00:13:00,270

  1. l can't get over

the way he set me free

242 00:13:01,533 --> 00:13:04,435

  1. Oh, lonesome me

243 00:13:05,700 --> 00:13:09,837

  1. A bad mistake l'm making

byjust hanging around

244 00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:14,537

  1. l know that l should have some fun

and paint the town

245 00:13:15,466 --> 00:13:19,136

  1. A lovesick fool that's blind

andjust can't see

246 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:23,669

  1. Oh, lonesome me

247 00:13:25,133 --> 00:13:27,568

  1. l'll bet she's not like me

248 00:13:27,633 --> 00:13:30,268

  1. She's out and fancy free

249 00:13:30,333 --> 00:13:33,936

  1. Flirting with the boys

with all hercharm

250 00:13:34,933 --> 00:13:37,101

  1. But l still love her so

251 00:13:37,166 --> 00:13:39,535

  1. And brother, don't you know

252 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:43,603

  1. l'd welcome her right back here

in my arms

253 00:13:44,533 --> 00:13:48,303

  1. There must be some way

l can lose these lonesome blues

254 00:13:48,366 --> 00:13:49,533

  1. Lonesome blues

255 00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:53,136

  1. Forget about the past

and find somebody new

256 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,367

  1. Somebody new

257 00:13:54,433 --> 00:13:58,503

  1. l've thought of eveything from A to Z

258 00:13:59,366 --> 00:14:02,535

  1. Oh, lonesome me

259 00:14:04,066 --> 00:14:07,269

  1. Oh, lonesome me

260 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:11,035

  1. Ohhhhh

261 00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:15,437

  1. Lonesome me #

262 00:14:15,500 --> 00:14:18,202 [howling]

Veterinarian's Hospital

Announcer Arriving now on track 2, Veterinarian's Hospital...
Miss Piggy observes a first aid kit on the wall and fumbles shutting it. She walks to the operating table, where a train conductor lies.
Announcer ...the continuing stooory of a quack that's gone to the dogs.
308-17
Janice Here's your next patient, Dr. Bob. He's a conductor.
Rowlf Well, he's not getting any symphony from me. (all laugh)
Piggy You mean "sympathy."
Rowlf He's not getting any of that either. (all laugh)
Janice Dr. Bob, he's a train conductor!
Rowlf Well, I will not operate on anyone who works for the railroad.
Janice Why not?
Rowlf I've got a very poor track record. (laughs with Piggy)
Janice (groans)
Rowlf Hey, what's the matter with him?
Janice I don't know. He keeps saying the same thing over and over.
Conductor ALL ABOARD!
The medics leap on the table and silence him.
Janice See what I mean?
Piggy (leaping off the table) Oh!
Janice Dr. Bob, that's all he ever says!
Rowlf Well, he must have a one-track mind! (laughs with Piggy)
Janice (groans)
Piggy That's your second "track" joke, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf So what? Who keeps track? (all laugh)
Piggy That's three!
Rowlf Well, it's too late to change. You can't teach an old dog new tracks! (all laugh)
Piggy Well, three-and-a-half.
Rowlf (groans)
Conductor ALL ABOARD!
The medics leap on him again.
Piggy (leaping off the table) Oh!
Janice Dr. Bob, he's worked too long on the railroad. It's affected his mind.
Rowlf Yes. The strain on his brain stays mainly on the train! (laughs with Piggy)
Piggy Oh, Dr. Bob, I think you've got it! (all laugh)
Conductor ALL ABOARD!
The medics leap on him again.
Announcer And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week where you'll hear Dr. Bob say...
Rowlf I think he's got railroad sneeze.
Piggy What's railroad sneeze?
Rowlf Ah-choo choo! (all laugh)
Waldorf You know, this place is cleaner than the theater.
Statler True. Seats are more comfortable too.
Waldorf Hmm. Yeah. Only the entertainment lives down to my expectations. (both laugh)

Railroad

305 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:21,401 - Hey, Kermit? - What?

306 00:16:21,466 --> 00:16:23,835 l don't want to talk about it, Gonzo.

307 00:16:23,899 --> 00:16:25,334 But, but, but Kermit...

308 00:16:25,399 --> 00:16:28,369 Just keep pumping. We got to get up to the train station.

309 00:16:28,433 --> 00:16:31,435 - But Kermit, it's important. - OK, Gonzo. What is it?

310 00:16:31,500 --> 00:16:33,201 Well, there's a light up ahead.

311 00:16:33,266 --> 00:16:35,434 Good. Maybe that's the train station.

312 00:16:35,500 --> 00:16:37,001 No. That's a train.

313 00:16:37,066 --> 00:16:38,867 - [train whistle] - What? Train?

314 00:16:38,933 --> 00:16:40,734 Back the other way, Gonzo.

315 00:16:40,799 --> 00:16:42,902 Quick! Back! Pump!

316 00:16:42,966 --> 00:16:44,634 - Pump! Pump! - l'm tying.

317 00:16:44,700 --> 00:16:47,803 - He's gaining on us. Hury up. - Faster! Faster!

318 00:16:47,866 --> 00:16:50,468 - [train approaching] - He's gaining on us. Faster!

Muppet News Flash

Newsman Here is a Muppet News Flash!
Pig Uh, 'scuse me. Do you sell any chocolate bars?
Newsman No.
Pig Hmm. How 'bout jelly piglets?
Newsman Will you get out of here?
The pig leaves.
Newsman Three escaped chickens broken into the railroad telegraph office today and the chickens began pecking away at the Morse key. Uh, they were later recaptured, but not before they had declared war on Abyssinia.
308-19
The Newsman's sheet gets speared.

Railroad / "The Rhyming Song"

328 00:17:20,166 --> 00:17:23,035 - Have you heard anything from Kermit? - No, not yet.

329 00:17:23,099 --> 00:17:24,267 Oh, no.

330 00:17:24,333 --> 00:17:26,902 The next thing on the show is the rhyming song.

331 00:17:26,966 --> 00:17:29,168 - The rhyming song? - Yeah.

332 00:17:29,233 --> 00:17:31,468 But we're not ready for the rhyming song.

333 00:17:31,533 --> 00:17:33,368 l know we're not ready.

334 00:17:33,433 --> 00:17:35,434 - What's on now? - Nothing.

335 00:17:36,133 --> 00:17:38,468 OK, eveybody. The rhyming song.

336 00:17:38,533 --> 00:17:40,434 [overlapping voices]

337 00:17:40,500 --> 00:17:42,101 But l can't remember it.

338 00:17:42,166 --> 00:17:44,635 - Oh, yeah, sure. - Do you know it?

339 00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:47,669 Stand by for the rhyming song.

340 00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:50,936 No, Scooter, it's me first. Me, me.

341 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:51,000 [Fozzie] Coming through.

342 00:17:52,666 --> 00:17:54,667 (# The Rhyming SongI

343 00:17:54,733 --> 00:17:57,102

  1. Let's all sing the rhyming song

344 00:17:57,166 --> 00:17:59,368

  1. The rhyming song, the rhyming song

345 00:17:59,433 --> 00:18:01,902

  1. Let's take turns and rhyme together

346 00:18:01,966 --> 00:18:03,901

  1. The rhyming song

347 00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:07,635

  1. l was hungy, now l'm not

348 00:18:07,700 --> 00:18:10,069

  1. The rhyming song, the rhyming song

349 00:18:10,133 --> 00:18:12,602

  1. 'Cause l ate some beans and grapes

350 00:18:13,233 --> 00:18:14,634

  1. The rhyming song

351 00:18:14,700 --> 00:18:17,069

  1. Let's all sing the rhyming song

352 00:18:17,133 --> 00:18:19,502

  1. The rhyming song, the rhyming song

353 00:18:19,566 --> 00:18:22,001

  1. Let's take turns and rhyme together

354 00:18:22,066 --> 00:18:23,867

  1. The rhyming song

355 00:18:25,433 --> 00:18:27,935

  1. l left my knees in your car

356 00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,068

  1. The rhyming song, the rhyming song

357 00:18:30,133 --> 00:18:32,635

  1. My laundy's ready at half past nine

358 00:18:33,266 --> 00:18:34,834

  1. The rhyming song

359 00:18:34,900 --> 00:18:37,002

  1. Let's all sing the rhyming song

360 00:18:37,066 --> 00:18:39,468

  1. The rhyming song, the rhyming song

361 00:18:39,533 --> 00:18:42,068

  1. Let's take turns and rhyme together

362 00:18:42,133 --> 00:18:43,868

  1. The rhyming song

363 00:18:43,933 --> 00:18:45,134 Sing.

364 00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,769

  1. Stars are minkling in the sky

365 00:18:47,833 --> 00:18:49,935

  1. The rhyming song, the rhyming song

366 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:52,569

  1. There's no hot water in my hotel

367 00:18:52,633 --> 00:18:54,601

  1. The rhyming song

368 00:18:54,666 --> 00:18:57,135

  1. This is not the rhyming song

369 00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:59,235

  1. The rhyming song, the rhyming song

370 00:18:59,299 --> 00:19:01,835

  1. l know it's not the rhyming song

371 00:19:01,900 --> 00:19:03,868

  1. The rhyming song

372 00:19:03,933 --> 00:19:05,367 Oh, brother.

373 00:19:05,433 --> 00:19:07,701 - # Whatdo we do now? - # l don't know

374 00:19:07,766 --> 00:19:10,001

  1. The rhyming song, the rhyming song

375 00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:12,601

  1. Let's alljump up and down

and wave our arms

376 00:19:12,666 --> 00:19:14,634

  1. And get o# the stage

377 00:19:14,700 --> 00:19:17,669

  1. The rhyming song, the rhyming song,

the rhyming song

378 00:19:17,733 --> 00:19:21,069 [babbling]

379 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,370 - [phone ringing] - [Fozzie] Get the phone, Scooter.

380 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:28,001 The rhyming song, huh?

381 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,201 They're really getting desperate.

382 00:19:30,266 --> 00:19:32,601 Mmm. Desperation's a good sign.

383 00:19:32,666 --> 00:19:34,734 Soon they may panic and run away.

Railroad

384 00:19:36,366 --> 00:19:38,401 Yeah. Yeah, Kermit.

385 00:19:38,466 --> 00:19:40,835 What? Hit by a train?

386 00:19:40,900 --> 00:19:44,036 Well, uh, at least it's a different way to spend the day.

387 00:19:45,133 --> 00:19:46,801 l'm glad you're OK at least.

388 00:19:46,866 --> 00:19:49,835 - Excuse me, Scooter. - Hold on, Kermit. Yeah, Loretta?

389 00:19:49,900 --> 00:19:52,802 l don't see how we're gonna be able to do this last number.

390 00:19:52,866 --> 00:19:55,168 - Why? - It needs a lot of sceney.

391 00:19:55,233 --> 00:19:58,235 We got the sceney. It's just a little different.

392 00:19:58,299 --> 00:20:00,869 - How's that? - Fozzie painted it.

393 00:20:00,933 --> 00:20:02,868 OK, come on, move it in. That's it.

394 00:20:02,933 --> 00:20:05,435 And bring down the clothesline, guys, too.

395 00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:07,435 That's it. All the way down.

396 00:20:07,500 --> 00:20:09,335 No. Hold it. No, up, up.

397 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:11,335 But not too far. That's it. PerFect.

398 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:14,736 OK, Loretta, good luck. Watch out, the paint's still wet.

399 00:20:15,966 --> 00:20:18,168 OK, then, l'm ready for my next number.

400 00:20:18,233 --> 00:20:19,467 Great.

401 00:20:19,533 --> 00:20:22,002 OK, chief, l'm ready to introduce Loretta.

402 00:20:22,066 --> 00:20:25,002 Well, of course l'll do a good iob.

403 00:20:25,066 --> 00:20:28,769 Don't wory. You tell me what to say and l'll say it, all right?

404 00:20:29,966 --> 00:20:31,934 Ladies and gentlemen,

405 00:20:32,533 --> 00:20:34,534 Miss Loretta Lynn.

406 00:20:34,599 --> 00:20:36,768 Boy, chief, you got a way with words.

"One's On the Way"

407 00:20:37,799 --> 00:20:40,502 [# One's On the Way9

408 00:20:40,566 --> 00:20:44,569 [babies chattering]

409 00:20:52,433 --> 00:20:55,402

  1. They say to have her hair done

410 00:20:55,466 --> 00:20:58,435

  1. Liz flies all the way to France

411 00:20:59,299 --> 00:21:02,603

  1. And _ackie's seen in a discotheque

412 00:21:02,666 --> 00:21:05,802

  1. Doing a brand new dance

413 00:21:05,866 --> 00:21:08,535

  1. And the White House social season

414 00:21:08,599 --> 00:21:11,769

  1. Should be glittering and gay

415 00:21:12,666 --> 00:21:16,202

  1. But here in Topeka

the rain is a-fallin'

416 00:21:16,266 --> 00:21:19,435

  1. The faucet is a-drippin'

and the kids are bawling

417 00:21:19,500 --> 00:21:22,703

  1. One of them is talkin'

and one is crawlin'

418 00:21:22,766 --> 00:21:26,369

  1. One's on the way

419 00:21:26,433 --> 00:21:28,334 [baby cying]

420 00:21:29,233 --> 00:21:31,835 Oh, baby, oh, baby.

421 00:21:37,233 --> 00:21:39,435

  1. l'm glad that Raquel Welch

422 00:21:39,500 --> 00:21:43,036

  1. Just signed a million dollar pact

423 00:21:43,866 --> 00:21:46,668

  1. And Debbie's out in Vegas

424 00:21:46,733 --> 00:21:49,535

  1. Working up a brand new act

425 00:21:50,366 --> 00:21:53,635

  1. And the TV's showing newlyweds

426 00:21:53,700 --> 00:21:56,903

  1. A real fine game to play

427 00:21:56,966 --> 00:22:00,302

  1. But here in Topeka

the screen door's a-banging

428 00:22:00,366 --> 00:22:03,502

  1. Coffee's boiling over

and the wash needs a-hangin'

429 00:22:03,566 --> 00:22:07,236

  1. One wants a cookie

and one wants a-changing

430 00:22:07,299 --> 00:22:09,568

  1. One's on the way

431 00:22:11,366 --> 00:22:12,500 [phone ringing]

432 00:22:12,566 --> 00:22:15,268

  1. What was l doing?

Jimmy, get away from that

433 00:22:15,333 --> 00:22:17,535

  1. Darn, there goes the phone

434 00:22:19,299 --> 00:22:22,469 What's that you say? You're bringing a few army buddies home?

435 00:22:22,533 --> 00:22:24,201 [babies babbling]

436 00:22:24,266 --> 00:22:26,735 You're coming from the bar? Get away from that.

437 00:22:26,799 --> 00:22:30,436 - [doorbell rings] - One minute. l gotta get the doorbell.

438 00:22:30,500 --> 00:22:32,635 Honey, could you stop at the market?

439 00:22:34,466 --> 00:22:37,669 [babies screaming]

440 00:22:37,733 --> 00:22:40,435

  1. The girls in New York City

441 00:22:40,500 --> 00:22:44,003

  1. They all march for women's lib

442 00:22:44,066 --> 00:22:47,569

  1. Better Homes and Gardens shows

443 00:22:47,633 --> 00:22:49,868

  1. The modern way to live

444 00:22:50,533 --> 00:22:53,769

  1. You may change your world tomorrow

445 00:22:53,833 --> 00:22:56,869

  1. But meanwhile today

446 00:22:56,933 --> 00:23:00,303

  1. Here in Topeka the flies are a-buzzin'

447 00:23:00,366 --> 00:23:03,502

  1. The dog is a-barkin'

and the floor n_s a-scrubbin'

448 00:23:03,566 --> 00:23:07,403

  1. One needs a-spanking

And one needs a-hugging

449 00:23:07,466 --> 00:23:10,468

  1. One's on the way

450 00:23:10,533 --> 00:23:13,836

  1. One's on the way

451 00:23:13,900 --> 00:23:16,402

  1. One's on the way #

452 00:23:17,866 --> 00:23:21,102 Oh, gee, l hope it ain't mins again.

Goodnights

453 00:23:28,833 --> 00:23:30,334 Well, folks...

454 00:23:30,933 --> 00:23:34,703 - l'm sory Kermit's not here now. - Oh, OK, OK, OK, l'm here, l'm here.

455 00:23:34,766 --> 00:23:35,833 Are you all right?

456 00:23:35,900 --> 00:23:38,769 l'm as right as l can be after being nearly hit by a train

457 00:23:38,833 --> 00:23:42,870 and falling into a ditch and slogged through a swamp and run for mo miles.

458 00:23:42,933 --> 00:23:44,634 You forgot about the dogs.

459 00:23:44,700 --> 00:23:47,469 Yes, yes, we were also chased by angy dogs.

460 00:23:47,533 --> 00:23:50,068 You always leave out the best parts.

461 00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:55,069 Anyhow, Scooter, where are we? What happens next?

462 00:23:55,133 --> 00:23:58,870 Oh, nothing. You got here just in time for the end.

463 00:23:59,733 --> 00:24:02,569 Well, so much for the railroad station show.

464 00:24:02,633 --> 00:24:05,602 lt's been weird, but tonight did have one big advantage

465 00:24:05,666 --> 00:24:09,069 and here she is, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Loretta Lynn. Yeah!

466 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:14,201 Thank you, Kermit. Are you all right?

467 00:24:14,266 --> 00:24:15,400 Yeah, thank you.

468 00:24:15,466 --> 00:24:18,402 l want you to know l really had a great time on your show.

469 00:24:18,466 --> 00:24:22,069 Oh, that's good but we better get out of here before a train comes.

470 00:24:22,133 --> 00:24:23,834 - Take your time, Kermit. - Why?

471 00:24:23,900 --> 00:24:27,403 No more trains tonight. l put up a sign that will keep them away.

472 00:24:27,466 --> 00:24:29,301 Well, what does the sign say?

473 00:24:29,366 --> 00:24:30,700 Airport.

474 00:24:31,533 --> 00:24:32,767 Gonzo!

475 00:24:32,833 --> 00:24:36,002 - Oh, trains don't go to airports. - l know, but...

476 00:24:36,066 --> 00:24:38,301 [iet roaring overhead]

477 00:24:39,633 --> 00:24:41,968 We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

478 00:24:42,900 --> 00:24:45,269 [overlapping voices]

479 00:24:52,633 --> 00:24:55,669 No wonder this sounds bad. We're playing a timetable.

480 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:02,602 [music played badly]

481 00:25:21,166 --> 00:25:22,767 Well, what did you think?

482 00:25:22,833 --> 00:25:25,101 [train rumbling by]

483 00:25:27,033 --> 00:25:28,601 Well, a bit shaky.

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