Episode 307: Alice Cooper/transcript

Goodnights

[knocking on door]

Alice Cooper,

Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Cooper.

  - Ready whenever you say, Scooter.

  - [creatures hissing, snickering]

Uh, sir, I think there's something

you should know.

  - Yes.

  - These monsters aren't ours.

I know. They're mine.

[Scooter howls]

[drum roll]

It's The Muppet Show

with our very special guest star,

Alice Cooper! Yay! [shudders]

1. It's time to play the music

It's time to light the light

1. It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

1. It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

1. It's time to get things started

1. Why don't you get things started?

You've gotta admit,

the opening is catchy.

So is smallpox.

1. It's time to get things started

1. On the most sensational, inspirational

1. Celebrational, Muppetational

1. This is what we call

The Muppet Show! #

[applause]

Hi there, and welcome again

tfi The Muppet Show.

Tonight, our special guest star

is one of the world's most talented,

but frightening perFormers,

Alice Cooper.

So, beware of ghoulies and ghosties

and long-legged beasties and things

that go bump in the night.

  - [creaking]

  - [Kermit shrieks]

  - [thudding, chains rattling]

  - That does it! I'm leaving!

  - Here's Alice Cooper.

  - [applause]

(# Welcome To My Nightmare]

1. Welcome to my nightmare

1. I think you're gonna like it

1. I think you're gonna feel

  - # You belong

  - [giggling]

1. Welcome to my nightmare

1. Yeah

1. Welcome to my breakdown

1. I hope I didn't scare you

1. That'sjust the way we are

when we come down

1. Yeah

1. We sweat and laugh and scream here

[thunderclap]

1. 'Cause life isjust a dream here

1. You know inside you feel

1. Right at home

1. Here

1. Welcome to my breakdown

Yeah

[thunderclap]

1. Welcome to my nightmare

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

1. Welcome to my nightmare

1. I think you're gonna like it

1. I think you're gonna feel you belong

1. Welcome to my nightmare

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

1. Welcome to my nightmare

Yeah, yeah, yeah

1. Welcome to my nightmare

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh #

Where do you suppose

he got the name Alice?

lt's a family name.

He was named after a maiden uncle.

[both laugh]

[creatures mumbling]

Hey, it wasn't spooky like this

when Julie Andrews did the show.

Let's see, what's next?

William Tell act onstage, you guys.

Come on, move it! Move it!

[stuttering] Don't shout!

It makes me n... n... nervous.

  - OK, way to go, Alice.

  - Oh, thank you, Kermit.

lt must be great to be a rock star.

Oh, would you like to be a rock star?

Uh, well, uh, yeah, sure,

Iove to be a rock star.

Well, then, iust sign this contract.

Contract?

Uh, yes, I have a friend

that runs a service.

He could guarantee

to make you a rock star.

Yeah, well, when I said I wanted to be

a rock star, I was sort of half kidding.

I mean, well, I'd like

to be an astronaut too.

Well, then, just cross out the word

rock star and write in astronaut.

I don't think I want anything

to do with this.

lt looks like

you're stuck with it, doesn't it?

  - Just read it over anyways.

  - [whimpers]

Oh, he must be kidding.

Why, how can he guarantee that?

And what must it cost?

[cackle echoing]

Not a penny... Just your soul.

I... I... I'm sure

I didn't hear that, or see it.

  - [whirring sound, thud]

  - [man] Ouch!

But that I heard.

You just can't move when I'm shooting.

I've told you that a thousand times.

Well, you know me:

In one ear and out the other.

Weird, weird show.

[clears throat] Dr. Bunsen Honeydew,

here at Muppet Labs,

where the future is being made, today.

[squeaks]

Well, [clears throat] our latest

development is the germ enlarger.

For years, scientists have had

to study teensy weensy germs

under a powerFul microscope.

But now, the germ enlarger

makes the microscope obsolete.

[crashing]

  - Comes out of your pay, Beaker.

  - [whimpering]

Here, in this dish, is isolated

a sample of the deadly germ

skeptococcus yuchotherium.

Now, watch what happens when Beaker

adds one drop of germ enlarger.

[whimpering]

[screaming]

Notice how easy it is, now,

for Beaker to study that germ.

And vice versa.

That's all, for now, from Muppet Labs.

Well, Beaker...

Hmm.

[Beaker whimpering]

Bunsen, that germ

better not be contagious.

[snickering]

...pam of the first part guarantees

to give pam of the second part

fabulous riches and worldwide fame.

Kermit, what is this contract?

Oh, that... Oh, that... That just

belongs to Alice. That's, uh...

  - You know the Faust stoy?

  - No.

OK, well, you see,

Faust sold his soul to the Devil

and in return,

became very rich and very famous,

and Alice says that this is

that kind of a contract.

Really? Where do I sign?!

I've gotta get a pen.

Hey, give me a pen.

I'll give you a chicken for it.

I'll give you all my chickens for a pen!

I'd sell my soul for a pen!

No, I have other plans for that.

A pen! I gotta have a pen!

Somebody! Fozzie! Scooter!

Ooh! I've never known

a toothache this bad before.

[all] He's never known

a toothache this bad before.

lt's like having toothache

all over my body.

[all] It's like having toothache

all over his body.

  - And another thing.

  - [all] And another thing.

I keep hearing voices.

[no audio]

  - And what's worse...

  - [all] And what's worse...

...the echo is often incorrect.

[all babbling indistinctly]

Shh.

And sometimes...

[all] And sometimes it says what

I'm going to say before I've said it.

...it says what I'm going to s...

Yeah, welI...

[all] Yeah, well, none of this

is helping my toothache.

You took the words

right out of my mouth.

[deep voice] Pity you couldn't

take the teeth as well.

Who was that?

[all] Don't look at us.

Whoa!

I've never known

a toothache this bad before.

[all] He's never known

a toothache this bad before.

lt's like having toothache

all over my body.

[all] It's like having toothache

all over... [fades out]

[tooth] And another...

  - Mr. Cooper.

  - Yes.

I don't believe it.

[clears throat] Let me come

right to the point.

You, sir, are a demented,

sick, degenerate,

barbaric, naughty...

...freako.

Why, thank you.

Freakos: One, Civilization: Zero.

Who ordered the spider sandwich?

Uh, oh, Gladys,

this show is so weird tonight.

I'm gonna stay right down here in

the canteen with these clean-cut kids.

[laughing]

[sighing] Why can't we have

one thing nice on this show tonight?

I# Over the RainbowI

[birds chirping]

1. Somewhere

1. Over the rainbow

1. Way up high

1. There's a land

1. That I heard of

1. Once in a lullaby

1. Somewhere

1. Over the rainbow

1. Skies are blue

1. And the

1. Dreams that you dare to dream

1. Really do come true

1. Someday I'll wish upon a star

1. And wake up where the clouds are far

1. Behind me

1. Where troubles melt like lemon drops

1. Away above the chimney tops

1. That's where you'll

1. Find me

1. Somewhere

1. Over the rainbow

1. Bluebirds fly

1. Birds fly

1. Over the rainbow

1. Why then, oh, why can't l?

1. If happy little bluebirds fly

1. Beyond the rainbow

1. Why, oh, why

1. Can't l? #

Oh, boy, this is a spooky show.

  - [creaking]

  - [gasps]

[mumbling, gasps]

Think about that, folks.

Not you.

[gasps] Huh?

[gasping]

[gasping]

[howling]

(# Once a Year DayI

  - # This is my...

  - # Once a yearday

1. Once a year day

Felt the morning sun and knew that

  - # This was my...

  - # Once a yearday

1. Once a year day

1. Even got a kiss from you

1. I feel like hopping up and down

like a kangar_

1. Jumping fences, climbing trees

What pleases me is what I'll do

  - # 'Cause this is my

  - # Once a yearday

1. Once a year day

1. Everyone's entitled to be wild

  - # Be a child

  - # Be a goof

1. Raise the roof

_ Once a year

[humming]

1. This is my once a yearday

1. Once a year day

Felt the morning sun and knew that

1. This was my once a year day

1. Once a year day

1. Everyone's entitled to be wild

1. Be a child

Be a goof, raise the roof

_ Once a year _

And, with the power vested in me,

I have touched you

and made you beautiful.

Let no man call you ugly.

With me at your side, we will

Iead a life of eternal happiness.

(# You And MeI

1. When I get home from work

wanna wrap myself around you

1. I wanna take you, squeeze you

1. Till the passion starts to rise

1. I'd like to take you to heaven

1. That would make my day complete

1. But you and me ain't no movie stars

1. What we are is what we are

1. We share a bed, some lovin'

1. And TV

1. And that's enough for a workin' man

1. What I am is what I am

1. I tell you, baby

You'rejust enough for me

1. Sometimes when you're asleep

1. And I'mjust staring at the ceiling

1. I wanna reach out and touch you

1. But you just go on dreamin'

1. I'd like to take you to heaven

1. That would make my day complete

1. But you and me ain't no superstars

1. What we are is what we are

1. We share a bed, some popcorn

1. And TV

1. And that's enough for a workin' man

1. What I am is what I am

1. I tell you, baby

You'rejust enough for me

1. I tell you, baby

You'rejust enough for me #

Excuse...

Hey, who turned off the lights?

Miss Piggy wanted onstage

5or Pigs in Space.

[door shuts]

[Miss Piggy's voice]

I'll be right there.

[clears throat] Pardon moi, Alicimo.

[clears throat]

[screams]

What? What the...? Hey!

All right, listen,

Cooper, the deal is off!

Make with the magic!

  - Oh, all right.

  - All right!

Oh, all right, all right! That's better!

And you can tell your man I wouldn't

sell you my soul if you paid me!

Creep!

[door slams]

  - [electrical distortion]

  - Yeah, hello, boss?

No, no, I didn't make a sale.

Uh, listen, do I get

any commission on hourly rentals?

[sighs] Touchy.

Iannouncer1_nd now, Pigs in Space!

When we last saw

the spaceship, Swinetrek,

Captain Link Hog Throb was su_ering

from a mysterious space disease.

[Miss Piggy] Oh!

First Mate Piggy, help me move Link

back to the electro cosmotron.

Yes! Yes!

[Miss Piggy

and Dr. Strangepork groan]

[Link moaning]

lt's like King Kong.

Easy, yeah, good, good.

  - Whew!

  - Oh, doctor, does he stand a chance?

Well, I hesitate

to ty this shock treatment.

lt's very dangerous,

and it could kill him.

Oh! Is there no alternative?

Well, you could give him

mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

You connect the wires,

I'll throw the switch.

  - Mmm-hmm.

  - Ready?

So... iust... Now, all connected.

Three... mo... one... [groans]

[electrical buzzing]

Hey... what...

Oh! Look, Dr. Strangepork,

he's coming around.

Yes, it worked! Turn it off now,

First Mate Piggy.

  - Yes.

  - [buzzing stops]

Uh, Dr. Strangepork, what happened?

Oh, iust temporay, Link.

I said turn it off!

Uh... I did!

Uh-oh. Sory, Link.

But look at me.

I'm just a shell of my former self.

But, uh... But, uh, uh...

  - You're much more interesting.

  - Mmm?

No, I think he looks weird.

Of course he looks weird.

I'm just tying

to make him feel better, dummo.

Huh. Do you really think

I look more interesting?

Yes, dear.

Well, in that case,

how about a little kissy kissy.

  - What?!

  - Hmm?

  - [smooching]

  - [Miss Piggy groaning]

Look what you did! [gasps]

Funny, I look more interesting,

but you look weird.

  - [snickering]

  - Hey, shut up, Strangepork!

I'll do something to help as soon

as I can stop laughing. [laughs]

Oh, yeah? Well, stop this!

Hi-yah!

Oh, no! Swinekopf,

Look what you've done to me!

[all shouting]

[announcer] Tune in next week,

but I'm sure you'll be able

to find something better

to watch than

Pigs in Space!

Yeah... What did you think of that?

  - Out of sight.

  - You mean you liked it?

No, it was out of sight.

I had my eyes closed.

And now, for one last time,

Alice Cooper.

(# School's Ou_

1. Well, we got no choice

1. All the girls and boys

1. Makin' all that noise

1. 'Cause they found new toys

1. Well, we can't salute ya

Can't find a flag

1. If that don't suit ya

That's a drag

1. School's out for summer

1. School's out forever

1. School's been blown to pieces

1. No more pencils

1. No more books

1. No more teacher's

1. Dirty looks

[all laughing]

1. Well, we got no class

1. And we got no principles

1. And we got no innocence

1. We can't even think

of a word that rhymes

1. School's out forever

1. School's out for summer

1. School's out with fever

1. My school's been blown

1. To pieces #

Well, it's been a little

strange tonight, even for us,

but before we all go home

and hide under the bed,

uh, let us bring out

our very special guest, Alice Cooper!

[applause]

What a great show!

[chattering indistinctly]

Kermit, it's been a real pleasure.

[thunderous rumbling]

[Gonzo] This is the voice of doom!

Sounds more like the voice of Gonzo.

[all gasping]

Gonzo, is that the contract

with the devil?

Uh, no, it's worse than that.

This is the bill from Special Effects.

[all groaning]

I don't want to think about it. We'll

see you next time on rhe Muppet Show.

So that was Alice Cooper?

You should see his sister,

James Fennimore.