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Episode 305: Pearl Bailey/transcript

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2 00:00:08,466 --> 00:00:09,600 [knocking on door]

3 00:00:09,666 --> 00:00:14,070 Pearl Bailey! Pearl Bailey! Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Bailey!

4 00:00:14,133 --> 00:00:17,903 l'll be there, honey, as soon as somebody calls off these oysters.

5 00:00:17,966 --> 00:00:20,568 - Pearl! - Come back to us, Pearl!

6 00:00:20,633 --> 00:00:22,634 - Back! Back! Heel! Heel! - [groaning]

7 00:00:22,699 --> 00:00:24,735 Oh, clam up!

8 00:00:25,533 --> 00:00:28,936 Oh, this is a strange place...

9 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:30,468 [drum roll]

10 00:00:30,533 --> 00:00:35,104 lt's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Miss Pearl Bailey.

11 00:00:35,166 --> 00:00:36,534 Yay!

12 00:00:50,100 --> 00:00:53,937

  1. It's time to play the music

It's time to light the light

13 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:58,037

  1. It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

14 00:00:58,100 --> 00:01:02,070

  1. It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

15 00:01:02,133 --> 00:01:04,168

  1. It's time to get things started

16 00:01:04,233 --> 00:01:06,435

  1. Why don't you get things started?

17 00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:08,635 Eveybody on stage!

18 00:01:08,700 --> 00:01:10,635 Eveybody is on stage.

19 00:01:10,700 --> 00:01:12,368

  1. It's time to get things started

20 00:01:12,433 --> 00:01:14,902

  1. On the most sensational, inspirational

21 00:01:14,966 --> 00:01:16,934

  1. Celebrational, Muppetational

22 00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:22,972

  1. This is what we call

The Muppet Show! #

23 00:01:24,633 --> 00:01:26,234 l'm not even gonna ty it.

24 00:01:26,299 --> 00:01:28,301 [clear note sounds]

25 00:01:30,900 --> 00:01:32,701 - [applause] - Thank you, thank you.

26 00:01:32,766 --> 00:01:36,102 Welcome, again, to the Muppet Show. l can't tell you what a kick l get

27 00:01:36,166 --> 00:01:38,468 when l think of all of you out there watching us.

28 00:01:38,533 --> 00:01:40,601 You know, it sends a chill right up my spine.

29 00:01:40,666 --> 00:01:41,867 Whoo!

30 00:01:41,933 --> 00:01:43,934 Uh... There it was, right there.

31 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:46,068 As a matter of fact, here comes another one.

32 00:01:46,133 --> 00:01:47,734 Whoo! [chuckles]

33 00:01:47,799 --> 00:01:50,702 Uh, uh, uh... That one is for our very special guest star.

34 00:01:50,766 --> 00:01:54,236 She is one of the most wonderful stars of the whole entertainment world,

35 00:01:54,299 --> 00:01:57,469 and she told me just before the show that her Papa was a preacher,

36 00:01:57,533 --> 00:02:00,435 which is a wonderful reason for doing the following number.

37 00:02:00,500 --> 00:02:02,501 Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Pearl Bailey!

38 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:07,068 (# My Soul is a WitnessI

39 00:02:09,500 --> 00:02:13,904

  1. My soul is a witness

40 00:02:14,533 --> 00:02:16,635 _ Yes, it is

41 00:02:16,699 --> 00:02:18,701 _ Yes, it is

42 00:02:19,599 --> 00:02:23,503

  1. My soul is a witness

43 00:02:23,566 --> 00:02:25,567 _ Yes, it is

44 00:02:25,633 --> 00:02:27,735 _ Yes, it is

45 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:29,201 [chorus humming]

46 00:02:29,266 --> 00:02:32,569

  1. God's love will do for you

47 00:02:32,633 --> 00:02:36,269

  1. He will always see you through

48 00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:41,804

  1. 'Cause my soul is a witness

49 00:02:41,866 --> 00:02:44,401 _ Yes, it is

50 00:02:44,933 --> 00:02:47,302 _ Yes, it is

51 00:02:47,366 --> 00:02:50,469 [up-tempo beat plays]

52 00:02:51,866 --> 00:02:54,868

  1. My life is a testimony

53 00:02:54,933 --> 00:02:57,602 - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is

54 00:02:57,666 --> 00:02:59,401 - _ Oh, yes - _ Yes, it is

55 00:02:59,466 --> 00:03:03,036

  1. My life is a testimony

56 00:03:03,099 --> 00:03:05,469 - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is

57 00:03:05,533 --> 00:03:07,334 - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is

58 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:11,036

  1. Someone needs to hear

59 00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:15,403

  1. God's love is always near

60 00:03:15,466 --> 00:03:19,770

  1. And my life is a testimony

61 00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:21,868 - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is

62 00:03:21,933 --> 00:03:23,801 - _ Oh, yes - _ Yes, it is

63 00:03:23,866 --> 00:03:27,836 - # Oh, my life is an example - [chorus clapping]

64 00:03:27,900 --> 00:03:30,002 - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is

65 00:03:30,066 --> 00:03:31,934 - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is

66 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:35,737

  1. My life is an example

67 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,402 - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is

68 00:03:38,466 --> 00:03:40,267 - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is

69 00:03:40,333 --> 00:03:43,736

  1. Someone

Someone should see

70 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:47,803

  1. What God's love has done for me

71 00:03:47,866 --> 00:03:52,437

  1. 'Cause my life is an example

72 00:03:52,500 --> 00:03:54,902 - # Oh, yes, it is - _ Yes, it is

73 00:03:54,966 --> 00:03:56,667 - _ Oh, yes - _ Yes, it is

74 00:03:56,733 --> 00:03:58,734 - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is

75 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:00,902 - _ Oh, yes - _ Yes, it is

76 00:04:00,966 --> 00:04:02,434 - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is

77 00:04:02,500 --> 00:04:04,602 - _ Oh, yes - _ Yes, it is

78 00:04:04,666 --> 00:04:06,634 - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is

79 00:04:06,699 --> 00:04:08,635 - _ Oh, yes - _ Yes, it is

80 00:04:08,699 --> 00:04:10,835 - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is

81 00:04:10,900 --> 00:04:15,704 - # Oh, Lord, Lord, Lord - _ A...

82 00:04:15,766 --> 00:04:20,770 - # Oh, yeah # - # ...men #

83 00:04:29,433 --> 00:04:33,203 - Well, how'd you like that? - l don't know, l'll ask the avocado.

84 00:04:34,666 --> 00:04:37,568 - Well, what'd you think? - Ooh, loved it, loved it, loved it.

85 00:04:38,266 --> 00:04:39,700 That's amazing!

86 00:04:39,766 --> 00:04:43,002 No, it's not. He's been a Pearl Bailey fan for years.

87 00:04:44,933 --> 00:04:48,102 OK, nice number, nice number.

88 00:04:48,166 --> 00:04:51,068 - Get on stage Bunsen... - Oh, wow, Kermit.

89 00:04:51,133 --> 00:04:54,569 Like l really don't believe this weird trip you're putting us on.

90 00:04:54,633 --> 00:04:55,800 What's that, Janice?

91 00:04:55,866 --> 00:04:59,069 The band tonight just flashed on the closing number.

92 00:04:59,133 --> 00:05:01,134 - The band just flashed? - Hmm-mmm.

93 00:05:01,199 --> 00:05:03,001 l mean, you know, Kermit...

94 00:05:03,066 --> 00:05:05,935 Sometimes l just don't know what space you're coming from.

95 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,602 Well, it's just a sort of a regular, backstage space.

96 00:05:09,300 --> 00:05:10,534 Oh, really, Kermit.

97 00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:14,603 You don't expect us to do that jousting number from Camelot?.

98 00:05:14,666 --> 00:05:17,969 Um, well, in a word... Yes!

99 00:05:18,666 --> 00:05:20,200 E_.

100 00:05:20,266 --> 00:05:24,169 Oh, Kermit, Floyd has something to say on that. Honey, you tell him.

101 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:26,935 [groaning]

102 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:29,569 - Oh, my little green friend. - Huh?

103 00:05:29,633 --> 00:05:33,236 You have much indeed to learn about today's slang.

104 00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:34,501 How do you mean, Floyd?

105 00:05:34,566 --> 00:05:38,803 Well, when l said l wanted to get into something heavy for the final number...

106 00:05:38,866 --> 00:05:42,402 - Mmm-hmm... - ...Sir knight of the Iron wasn't it.

107 00:05:42,466 --> 00:05:45,068 [wailing] Look out!

108 00:05:45,133 --> 00:05:48,302 - [clattering] - [moaning]

109 00:05:48,366 --> 00:05:50,367 Fractured flipper. Oh! Oh! Oh!

110 00:05:53,366 --> 00:05:54,900 Tinker, tinker, fiddle...

111 00:05:54,966 --> 00:05:56,967 Oh! [clears throat]

112 00:05:57,199 --> 00:05:59,802 Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs,

113 00:05:59,866 --> 00:06:02,134 where the future is being made, today.

114 00:06:02,199 --> 00:06:05,670 Well, l've got some news here to tickle your fancy.

115 00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:09,203 Because here they are friends, the answer to your prayers.

116 00:06:09,266 --> 00:06:11,768 Muppets All-New Edible Paper Clips.

117 00:06:13,433 --> 00:06:17,270 Now, the honor of tasting this first batch of delicious paper clips goes,

118 00:06:17,333 --> 00:06:20,703 of course, to my helpful and eager assistant, Beaker.

119 00:06:20,766 --> 00:06:24,236 - Uh-huh. Uh... - Oh, Beaker, what is the matter?

120 00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:28,103 Oh, that's vey naughty, Beaker. Now you eat these clips this minute!

121 00:06:28,166 --> 00:06:29,567 - Go on, eat. - [sighs]

122 00:06:32,199 --> 00:06:33,734 They're not so bad, go ahead.

123 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:37,802 - Hmm! - Mmm-hmm.

124 00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:42,468 - Mmm! - Yes!

125 00:06:43,566 --> 00:06:46,835 Good. Yes, friends, Muppets Edible Paper Clips

126 00:06:46,899 --> 00:06:49,602 are delicious, nutritious and nickel-plated.

127 00:06:49,666 --> 00:06:53,569 They're handy around the office, and they're wonderful as a TV snack.

128 00:06:53,633 --> 00:06:56,268 Furthermore, they are absolutely harmless.

129 00:06:57,466 --> 00:06:59,467 [shrieking]

130 00:07:00,633 --> 00:07:02,167 Or nearly so.

131 00:07:03,366 --> 00:07:05,267 Poor fellow lost his nose.

132 00:07:05,333 --> 00:07:08,235 - Hmm. How will he smell without it? - Same as always...

133 00:07:08,300 --> 00:07:09,801 [both] Terrible!

134 00:07:11,100 --> 00:07:13,235 Dr. Honeydew, is Beaker all right?

135 00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:16,703 Oh, he'll be fine. l'll just go invent some nose glue.

136 00:07:16,766 --> 00:07:18,467 - Come on, Beaker. - [moaning]

137 00:07:18,533 --> 00:07:21,135 Yeah, but, hey, l'm talking about serious, Kermit.

138 00:07:21,199 --> 00:07:23,302 - Mmm-hmm. - l mean, why cast me?

139 00:07:23,366 --> 00:07:25,901 This knight business is a actor's gig.

140 00:07:25,966 --> 00:07:28,668 - Yeah. - l am a musician, remember?

141 00:07:28,733 --> 00:07:32,336 Well, Floyd, l wanted you to play the knight because you fit the part.

142 00:07:32,399 --> 00:07:35,002 You're the only one of us with real gallanty.

143 00:07:35,066 --> 00:07:37,101 The only one of us with real honor.

144 00:07:37,166 --> 00:07:39,768 The only one of us who'd fit in that iron suit.

145 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:43,969 [stuttering] Scooter, l needed that like l need a broken leg!

146 00:07:44,033 --> 00:07:46,402 Oh, you need a broken leg? l'll fall on you again.

147 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:47,466 No, no, no.

148 00:07:47,533 --> 00:07:50,602 Floyd, no, no. Now, listen, this is a great chance for you.

149 00:07:50,666 --> 00:07:54,102 Besides, in the same jousting scene, you get to fight the Black Knight.

150 00:07:54,166 --> 00:07:56,935 - Who is the Black Knight? - Well, that 's part of the fun.

151 00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:58,601 You see, no one will know!

152 00:07:58,666 --> 00:08:01,468 lt's kept a complete and absolute mystey.

153 00:08:01,533 --> 00:08:02,767 Hmm...

154 00:08:04,266 --> 00:08:08,136 The world will forever wonder who l am.

155 00:08:09,433 --> 00:08:11,701 Though some may harbor suspicions.

156 00:08:37,266 --> 00:08:40,369 - [crashing] - [squawking]

157 00:08:42,166 --> 00:08:44,401 Here is a Muppet news flash.

158 00:08:44,466 --> 00:08:48,703 An explosion has just taken place at the Smithfield hat factoy.

159 00:08:48,766 --> 00:08:53,337 Reports say that hats are falling all over the... Oh!

160 00:08:57,233 --> 00:08:59,234 - All right. - Listen, Floyd,

161 00:08:59,299 --> 00:09:02,836 l sure am glad you got out ofthat iron suit, man.

162 00:09:02,899 --> 00:09:07,170 - Oh, yeah. That was a stone drag. - Oh, it had to be, but l'm telling you,

163 00:09:07,233 --> 00:09:09,602 you're lookin' good now with the purple threads.

164 00:09:09,666 --> 00:09:12,268 Oh, yeah. My main squeeze gave me this.

165 00:09:12,333 --> 00:09:13,934 Oh, you are clever.

166 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,035 - Listen, come here a minute. - Hmm?

167 00:09:16,100 --> 00:09:17,768 - l wanna ask you a question. - Yeah?

168 00:09:17,833 --> 00:09:20,702 Do the rest of the musicians, do they know you in here?

169 00:09:20,766 --> 00:09:23,168 - Hmm... No, uh-huh. - Well, crazy, listen.

170 00:09:23,233 --> 00:09:26,235 What if you and me, see, or you and l, either one.

171 00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:30,001 What if we did a little number together?

172 00:09:30,066 --> 00:09:33,469 And then, if we went over, who knows, we could take over the whole thing.

173 00:09:33,533 --> 00:09:34,901 - Pearlie May... - Huh?

174 00:09:34,966 --> 00:09:37,668 - Nothing would please me more. - l thought it would!

175 00:09:37,733 --> 00:09:39,601 (# In the Good Old SummertimeI

176 00:09:39,666 --> 00:09:41,968 - [scatting] - You jump right into it, man!

177 00:09:42,033 --> 00:09:43,701 Let me iump in there with you.

178 00:09:43,766 --> 00:09:47,336 - # In the good old summertime - All right!

179 00:09:47,399 --> 00:09:50,436 - # In the good old summertime - [humming]

180 00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:54,470

  1. Strolling down that shady lane

181 00:09:54,533 --> 00:09:57,269 - # With my baby mine - All right.

182 00:09:57,333 --> 00:09:58,333 Listen...

183 00:09:58,399 --> 00:10:01,302

  1. l'll take his hand

then he'll take mine

184 00:10:01,366 --> 00:10:05,069 - # And, Floyd, that's a g_, g_ sign - Yeah.

185 00:10:05,133 --> 00:10:08,736

  1. Then, naturally,

l will be his tootsiewootsie

186 00:10:08,799 --> 00:10:11,335

  1. In the good old summertime

187 00:10:11,399 --> 00:10:12,834 Go by yourself, man!

188 00:10:12,899 --> 00:10:14,635 - [humming along] - Yeah!

189 00:10:15,533 --> 00:10:16,800 Heat it up!

190 00:10:18,533 --> 00:10:19,667 Watch this.

191 00:10:19,733 --> 00:10:23,002

  1. Strollin' down that shady lane, yeah!

192 00:10:23,066 --> 00:10:26,903

  1. With my baby mine, yeah!

193 00:10:26,966 --> 00:10:29,268

  1. Darlin', you are growing old

194 00:10:29,333 --> 00:10:31,068 Oh, now, hold that, baby.

195 00:10:31,133 --> 00:10:33,435 - Just kidding, only kidding. - Ha, ha, ha.

196 00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:37,337

  1. But l will be the toot

tootsiewootsie

197 00:10:37,399 --> 00:10:38,868

  1. In the good old sun

198 00:10:38,933 --> 00:10:43,904

  1. Come on, let's go together

in the good old summertime

199 00:10:43,966 --> 00:10:47,002 - # Summertime - # In the good old summertime

200 00:10:47,066 --> 00:10:48,500

  1. Let me tell you a stoy

201 00:10:48,566 --> 00:10:52,503

  1. Strolling down

the shady lane with my

202 00:10:52,566 --> 00:10:54,801

  1. Walking, talking, gr_ving

with my baby

203 00:10:54,866 --> 00:10:58,469

  1. l'm gonna take his hand

he'll take mine

204 00:10:58,533 --> 00:11:02,003

  1. Watch it, honey

Let me get this whole thing together

205 00:11:02,066 --> 00:11:05,436

  1. l will be the tootsie tootsiewootsie

206 00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:07,735 - # In the g_... - # In the good old summertime

207 00:11:07,799 --> 00:11:09,234

  1. In the good old summertime

208 00:11:09,299 --> 00:11:12,469

  1. l'll be your tootsiewootsie

in the good old summer, summertime

209 00:11:12,533 --> 00:11:15,602

  1. Summertime #

210 00:11:19,333 --> 00:11:20,701 Yeah! Whoo!

211 00:11:21,433 --> 00:11:23,568 [indistinct chattering]

212 00:11:26,533 --> 00:11:29,035 (# Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee (An Actor's Life for Me)I

213 00:11:31,266 --> 00:11:35,003

  1. Hi-diddle-dee-dee

An actor's life for me

214 00:11:35,066 --> 00:11:37,268

  1. A high silk hat and a silver cane

215 00:11:37,333 --> 00:11:39,301

  1. A watch of gold with a diamond chain

216 00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:42,936

  1. Hi-diddle-dee-doo

You sleep till after mo

217 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,168

  1. You promenade with a big cigar

218 00:11:45,233 --> 00:11:47,168

  1. You tourthe world in a private car

219 00:11:47,233 --> 00:11:49,268

  1. You dine on chicken and caviar

220 00:11:49,333 --> 00:11:51,068

  1. An actor's life for me!

221 00:11:51,766 --> 00:11:53,901 - Aah... - OK, what happens now?

222 00:11:53,966 --> 00:11:55,534 Oh, now comes the funny part.

223 00:11:57,000 --> 00:12:00,303 Well, leaving the stage is funnier than a lot of things the bear does.

224 00:12:01,633 --> 00:12:04,836 OK, OK. Now, now, ask me what l'm carying the fish for.

225 00:12:04,899 --> 00:12:07,736 Oh, Fozzie. What are you carying the fish for?

226 00:12:07,799 --> 00:12:09,868 Oh, iust for the halibut.

227 00:12:11,433 --> 00:12:13,635 You were better off leaving the stage.

228 00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:15,101 Aah!

229 00:12:16,466 --> 00:12:20,203

  1. Hi-diddle-dee-dee

An actor's life for me

230 00:12:20,266 --> 00:12:22,301

  1. A high silk hat and a silver cane

231 00:12:22,366 --> 00:12:24,468

  1. A watch of gold with a diamond chain

232 00:12:24,533 --> 00:12:28,236

  1. Hi-diddle-dee-doo

You sleep till after mo

233 00:12:28,299 --> 00:12:30,769 Hey, Fozzie, this number needs help.

234 00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:33,202 No, it doesn't, it needs sceney!

235 00:12:34,766 --> 00:12:37,735 Oh, wonderFul sceney, but is it funny?

236 00:12:38,899 --> 00:12:41,902 OK, now. Now ask me what l'm carying the hoop for.

237 00:12:41,966 --> 00:12:44,234 Oh, Fozzie, what are you carying the hoop for?

238 00:12:44,299 --> 00:12:49,038 Ah, because Statler and Waldorf are always saying the show is hoopless.

239 00:12:49,766 --> 00:12:51,968 - Just for the halibut. - Keep trying.

240 00:12:52,899 --> 00:12:57,404

  1. Hi-diddle-dee-dee

An actor's life for me

241 00:12:57,466 --> 00:12:59,501

  1. A high silk hat and a silver cane

242 00:12:59,566 --> 00:13:01,634

  1. A watch of gold with a diamond chain

243 00:13:01,700 --> 00:13:05,236

  1. Hi-diddle-dee-doo

You sleep till after mo

244 00:13:05,299 --> 00:13:07,301

  1. You promenade with a big cigar

245 00:13:07,366 --> 00:13:09,434

  1. You tourthe world in a private car

246 00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:11,435

  1. You dine on chicken and caviar

247 00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:13,134

  1. An actor's life for me!

248 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:17,203 [both] # An actor's life for

249 00:13:17,266 --> 00:13:20,202

  1. Me! #

250 00:13:21,066 --> 00:13:23,368 [applause and cheering]

251 00:13:25,833 --> 00:13:31,638 Iannouncer1_nd now, Pigs in Space.

252 00:13:32,833 --> 00:13:38,004 When we last leff the Swinetrek, it was hopelessly lost in outer space.

253 00:13:38,066 --> 00:13:39,400 Hmm...

254 00:13:39,466 --> 00:13:45,038 [Link] If the timeless endlessness of eternal space is about that big.

255 00:13:45,799 --> 00:13:49,637 And then our spaceship is down here...

256 00:13:49,700 --> 00:13:52,669 ...possibly or...

257 00:13:52,733 --> 00:13:55,535 [Miss Piggy] Excuse me, Link, what's in the corner there?

258 00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:57,601 Uh, that's a duckie.

259 00:13:58,866 --> 00:14:01,535 We need to go in this direction up here,

260 00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:04,669 or possibly over...

261 00:14:04,733 --> 00:14:07,469 Oh, no, no, no! Oh, we're lost!

262 00:14:07,533 --> 00:14:10,569 Lost in space. Why won't he admit it?

263 00:14:10,633 --> 00:14:12,634 - Just give me time. - Oh!

264 00:14:12,700 --> 00:14:15,636 l got lost once before and l found my way out.

265 00:14:15,700 --> 00:14:17,735 Lost in the outer galaxies, Link?

266 00:14:17,799 --> 00:14:20,102 No, in a phone booth.

267 00:14:21,633 --> 00:14:24,168 Hmm... This pencil is delicious.

268 00:14:24,233 --> 00:14:26,201 There is no time for that now.

269 00:14:26,266 --> 00:14:29,736 We must either find out our position, or we will perish.

270 00:14:29,799 --> 00:14:32,469 Oh! Oh, which is it to be, Link?

271 00:14:33,133 --> 00:14:34,868 Prunes.

272 00:14:35,933 --> 00:14:37,401 Prunes?

273 00:14:37,466 --> 00:14:39,601 - Hmm... - Prunes was not a choice!

274 00:14:40,299 --> 00:14:43,102 This is a pencil-shaped prune.

275 00:14:43,166 --> 00:14:45,034 [computer printer rattling]

276 00:14:45,100 --> 00:14:47,168 Wait. l see by the readout here,

277 00:14:47,233 --> 00:14:51,470 that we are passing through a field of deadly Snacka Waves.

278 00:14:51,533 --> 00:14:52,800 [all gasp]

279 00:14:52,866 --> 00:14:55,668 - [both] Snacka Waves? - Ya, ya.

280 00:14:55,733 --> 00:15:01,572 At this very moment, they are tuning evemhing aboard this ship into food.

281 00:15:01,633 --> 00:15:04,135 My prune pencil.

282 00:15:04,899 --> 00:15:06,735 Ridiculous.

283 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:15,571 lncluding this readout, which is now a frozen chicken dinner for mo.

284 00:15:15,633 --> 00:15:18,502 [moaning in pleasure] Oh, it's delicious.

285 00:15:20,033 --> 00:15:21,634 - Aah! - [gasps]

286 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:25,436 - Oh, what happened? - What does it look like?

287 00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:27,501 Chocolate layer cake.

288 00:15:27,566 --> 00:15:30,101 Aha! Dessert!

289 00:15:30,166 --> 00:15:34,136 Desert? Don't you dare desert! [chuckles]

290 00:15:41,399 --> 00:15:44,169 [laughs] Look at old cabbage head.

291 00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:46,968 lt's a cauliflower.

292 00:15:47,033 --> 00:15:50,069 - [slurping noises] - Shh. Listen.

293 00:15:51,333 --> 00:15:53,902 The crew have started to eat the ship.

294 00:15:55,166 --> 00:15:57,568 l find that a bit hard to swallow.

295 00:15:58,633 --> 00:16:01,936 The crew is eating the ship? Are you going bananas?

296 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,501 No...

297 00:16:05,566 --> 00:16:06,767 ...scallions.

298 00:16:08,033 --> 00:16:11,669 Oh, what are we going to do with a half-eaten spacecraft?

299 00:16:11,733 --> 00:16:14,268 Have it cold for sandwiches tomorrow?

300 00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:21,439 [announcer] Be sure to tune in next week for Pigs on Toast.

301 00:16:25,166 --> 00:16:27,801 OK, stagies, you can strike that spaceship.

302 00:16:27,866 --> 00:16:30,802 Oh, Kermie! Kermie!

303 00:16:30,866 --> 00:16:33,168 Why, Piggy, you've never looked better.

304 00:16:34,533 --> 00:16:37,002 You're skatin' on thin ice, frog.

305 00:16:37,066 --> 00:16:39,601 - Yeah. - Makeup! Makeup!

306 00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:40,967 OK.

307 00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:43,335 Oh, boy, oh, boy, chief, are we in trouble.

308 00:16:43,399 --> 00:16:45,368 - What now? - You know how you're planning

309 00:16:45,433 --> 00:16:47,301 to do the jousting scene from Camelot?.

310 00:16:47,366 --> 00:16:49,935 Of course. That's the show's big finale.

311 00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:53,303 Well, the people that published the music from Camelot

312 00:16:53,366 --> 00:16:55,735 just called and they won't let you do it.

313 00:16:55,799 --> 00:16:58,769 What?! l was willing to give them credit.

314 00:16:58,833 --> 00:17:00,868 l would've given them a big build up.

315 00:17:00,933 --> 00:17:03,935 l would have given anything to do the jousting scene.

316 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,468 They want money.

317 00:17:06,599 --> 00:17:08,768 Cancel the jousting scene!

318 00:17:08,833 --> 00:17:13,537 Gee whiz, chief, l thought you said we had 1 4.95 in the cash box.

319 00:17:13,599 --> 00:17:15,835 Yeah, well l spent 1 3.50 on the suits of armor.

320 00:17:16,700 --> 00:17:19,135 - What are we going to do? - What can we do?

321 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:21,902 - There's only one thing to do! - What's that?

322 00:17:21,966 --> 00:17:23,634 - Whatever comes next. - Oh.

323 00:17:25,333 --> 00:17:28,536 [downtempo iazz plays]

324 00:17:32,866 --> 00:17:35,235 Are you a real professor?

325 00:17:35,299 --> 00:17:38,069 Of course. l hold the Chair of Philosophy.

326 00:17:38,133 --> 00:17:40,835 - Oh? Where's that? - Right here.

327 00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:45,869 You seem to have a lot on your mind.

328 00:17:45,933 --> 00:17:49,436 Oh, yeah. l've got a wife and child to support.

329 00:17:52,700 --> 00:17:55,302 Say... Are we poisonous?

330 00:17:55,366 --> 00:17:59,269 - l don't know. Why? - Oh, nothing, really. l...

331 00:17:59,333 --> 00:18:01,334 l just bit my tongue.

332 00:18:02,933 --> 00:18:05,135 [armor clanking]

333 00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:07,869 Oh,wow. They're not too light on their feet.

334 00:18:07,933 --> 00:18:11,269 Ow! Not to light on mine, either.

335 00:18:12,099 --> 00:18:13,134 - Ah! - Whoa!

336 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:14,501 [clattering]

337 00:18:15,799 --> 00:18:18,536 Ooh, terrific! terrific, wonderFul!

338 00:18:18,599 --> 00:18:22,437 Say, is your friend, the Avocado here, some kind of professional critic?

339 00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:25,436 - Nah. He's just unemployed. - You should go to work.

340 00:18:25,500 --> 00:18:28,069 - Try to make something of yourself. - Oh, like what?

341 00:18:28,133 --> 00:18:29,801 Guacamole!

342 00:18:33,066 --> 00:18:35,435 Men, this is a command decision.

343 00:18:35,500 --> 00:18:37,501 We're going to have to cancel the joust.

344 00:18:37,566 --> 00:18:39,067 - Bummer. - What?!

345 00:18:39,133 --> 00:18:42,536 - It'll be fun! It'll be snazzy! - It'll be dumb.

346 00:18:42,599 --> 00:18:44,535 - Oh, really? - Hey, no, dig on it.

347 00:18:44,599 --> 00:18:47,769 For once old Green Stuff speaks the truth.

348 00:18:47,833 --> 00:18:51,102 - No, Kermit. - l am sory to have to do this...

349 00:18:51,166 --> 00:18:53,301 - What? - ...but my career is at stake,

350 00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:54,867 - Now you move. - Ow!

351 00:18:54,933 --> 00:18:58,269 Yes, yes, move, l'll take care of it. Move, Kermit, yes, move!

352 00:18:59,466 --> 00:19:02,068 Hey, tell me, just bemeen the mo of us,

353 00:19:02,133 --> 00:19:05,069 do you really think this will work?

354 00:19:05,133 --> 00:19:07,435 No. Isn't it terrific?

355 00:19:09,166 --> 00:19:12,402 - Come on, just introduce us, OK? - OK, OK, OK, OK.

356 00:19:12,466 --> 00:19:13,600 - OK. - OK.

357 00:19:13,666 --> 00:19:16,902 Ladies and gentlemen, we were planning to do the jousting scene

358 00:19:16,966 --> 00:19:20,703 from Camelot, but l do think we should cancel this, but...

359 00:19:20,766 --> 00:19:25,203 [stammering] But there's been a very pointed argument against canceling.

360 00:19:25,266 --> 00:19:27,401 Good work, Gonzo.

361 00:19:27,466 --> 00:19:29,467 So, anyhow, wish us luck, folks,

362 00:19:29,533 --> 00:19:32,435 because here is our special guest star, Miss Pearl Bailey

363 00:19:32,500 --> 00:19:35,536 and the Muppet Players in what almost might, sort of, kind of

364 00:19:35,599 --> 00:19:38,002 be considered the jousting scene from Camelot.

365 00:19:38,066 --> 00:19:40,201 [applause and cheering]

366 00:19:40,266 --> 00:19:42,901 [fanfare playing]

367 00:19:42,966 --> 00:19:44,967 [# _scot Gavome]

368 00:19:47,733 --> 00:19:51,736

  1. Evey duke and earl and peer is here

369 00:19:51,799 --> 00:19:55,937

  1. Eveyone who should be here is here

370 00:19:56,000 --> 00:20:00,537

  1. What a smashing

positively dashing spectacle

371 00:20:00,599 --> 00:20:04,003

  1. We're here to see today #

372 00:20:05,299 --> 00:20:09,303 And now, may l present Her Royal Majesty, Queen Guinevere,

373 00:20:09,366 --> 00:20:12,669 who will welcome you, officially, to our annual joust.

374 00:20:12,733 --> 00:20:14,901 (# Hello, DollyI

375 00:20:18,066 --> 00:20:20,067

  1. Hello, fellas

376 00:20:20,133 --> 00:20:22,568

  1. Well, hello, fellas

377 00:20:22,633 --> 00:20:27,237

  1. It's so nice to be

back home where l belong

378 00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:31,403

  1. You're looking swell, fellas

379 00:20:31,466 --> 00:20:34,268

  1. l can tell, fellas

380 00:20:34,333 --> 00:20:37,135

  1. You're still crowin'

You're still growin'

381 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:39,468

  1. You're still going strong

382 00:20:39,533 --> 00:20:42,736 - # l feel this r_m swayin' - [harmonizing]

383 00:20:42,799 --> 00:20:45,302

  1. While the band's playin'

384 00:20:45,366 --> 00:20:50,037

  1. One of my old favorite songs

from way back when

385 00:20:50,099 --> 00:20:51,601

  1. Oooh!

386 00:20:52,366 --> 00:20:54,534

  1. Golly gee, fellas

387 00:20:54,599 --> 00:20:57,069

  1. Find me a vacant knee, fellas

388 00:20:57,133 --> 00:21:00,035

  1. Pearlie will never go away

389 00:21:00,099 --> 00:21:02,602

  1. Pearlie will never go away

390 00:21:02,666 --> 00:21:08,671

  1. Pearlie will never go away again #

391 00:21:10,900 --> 00:21:13,168 [applause and cheering]

392 00:21:16,933 --> 00:21:18,434 Thank you, Your Maiesty.

393 00:21:18,500 --> 00:21:21,769 And now to introduce the contestants for this year's joust!

394 00:21:21,833 --> 00:21:22,934 [fanfare]

395 00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:24,401 _# fugue for Tin Hornsh

396 00:21:24,466 --> 00:21:27,335

  1. l got the horse right here

His name is Paul Revere

397 00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:30,336

  1. And here's a guy who says

if the weather's clear

398 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:33,169

  1. Can do, can do

399 00:21:33,233 --> 00:21:36,002

  1. This guy says the horse can do

400 00:21:36,066 --> 00:21:39,135

  1. l got a horse right here

Belongs to Guinevere

401 00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:41,535

  1. And l say this horse can do

402 00:21:41,599 --> 00:21:44,769

  1. Can do, can do? #

403 00:21:44,833 --> 00:21:45,934 (# Anything You Can DoI

404 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,369

  1. Anything you can do, l can do better

405 00:21:48,433 --> 00:21:50,735

  1. l can do anything better than you

406 00:21:50,799 --> 00:21:52,134 - # No, you can't - # Yes, l can

407 00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:53,467 - # No, you can't - # Yes, l can

408 00:21:53,533 --> 00:21:56,602 - # No, he can't - # Yes, he can, yes, he can!

409 00:21:56,666 --> 00:21:59,568

  1. Anything you can be

l can be greater

410 00:21:59,633 --> 00:22:01,801

  1. l can be anything greater than you

411 00:22:01,866 --> 00:22:03,334 - # No, you can't - # Yes, l can

412 00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:04,701 - # No, you can't - # Yes, l can

413 00:22:04,766 --> 00:22:07,535 - # No, he can't - # Yes, he can, yes, he can! #

414 00:22:08,599 --> 00:22:10,601 I# A Boy Like Thaq

415 00:22:11,666 --> 00:22:14,769

  1. A boy like that

who'd kill your brother

416 00:22:14,833 --> 00:22:17,302

  1. Forget that boy and find another

417 00:22:17,366 --> 00:22:21,803

  1. One of your own kind

Stick to your own kind #

418 00:22:25,333 --> 00:22:28,502 You know, Rowlf, this don't make any sense at all.

419 00:22:29,633 --> 00:22:31,968 l know, Pearl, but we're stuck with it.

420 00:22:32,900 --> 00:22:35,535 Let the ioust begin!

421 00:22:35,599 --> 00:22:38,602 [fanfare playing]

422 00:22:45,566 --> 00:22:46,967 Thank you! [laughs]

423 00:22:47,033 --> 00:22:49,635 [indistinct chattering]

424 00:22:52,266 --> 00:22:54,534 [all shouting]

425 00:22:57,833 --> 00:23:00,602 - Whoa! - [chattering excitedly]

426 00:23:11,500 --> 00:23:14,436 Hey, you guys all right down there?

427 00:23:14,500 --> 00:23:18,003 Oh, oh... l'm not sure.

428 00:23:18,066 --> 00:23:20,101 How do we look?

429 00:23:20,166 --> 00:23:21,634 _# Eveything's Coming Up Rosesh

430 00:23:21,700 --> 00:23:24,069

  1. You look swell

You look great

431 00:23:24,133 --> 00:23:27,035

  1. Gonna have the whole world

on the plate!

432 00:23:27,099 --> 00:23:31,237

  1. Starting here, starting now, honey

433 00:23:31,299 --> 00:23:37,272

  1. Eveything's coming up

roses and daff_ils

434 00:23:37,333 --> 00:23:40,536

  1. Eveything's coming up

435 00:23:40,599 --> 00:23:43,536

  1. Sunshine and Santa Claus

436 00:23:43,599 --> 00:23:48,905

  1. Eveything's coming up roses for me

437 00:23:50,566 --> 00:23:55,671

  1. And for you #

438 00:23:55,733 --> 00:23:57,801 [cheering]

439 00:24:06,766 --> 00:24:09,135 OK. Well there went another Muppet Show,

440 00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:11,468 this one a little more mixed-up than usual.

441 00:24:11,533 --> 00:24:13,935 Mixed-up is not the word.

442 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,001 No, misted is the word.

443 00:24:16,833 --> 00:24:19,802 Listen, guys, l'll get you a pair of tin snips in a minute.

444 00:24:19,866 --> 00:24:20,900 As soon as l say,

445 00:24:20,966 --> 00:24:23,968 let us have a warm thank you to our very special guest star,

446 00:24:24,033 --> 00:24:26,101 Miss Pearl Bailey. Yey!

447 00:24:26,166 --> 00:24:28,368 [applause]

448 00:24:30,266 --> 00:24:31,800 - You know something? - Hmm?

449 00:24:31,866 --> 00:24:35,135 l can get those guys out of that suit of armor. l'm an expert at it.

450 00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:37,201 Really? Did you used to be a costumer?

451 00:24:37,266 --> 00:24:39,201 No. l was a welder.

452 00:24:39,266 --> 00:24:41,768 [screaming]

453 00:24:41,833 --> 00:24:45,469 Not sure l want to watch this. We'll see you next time on the Muppet Show!

454 00:24:45,533 --> 00:24:48,102 Will you move? Let the crew work, will you?

455 00:24:48,166 --> 00:24:49,934 The lady's trying to work.

456 00:25:23,366 --> 00:25:25,968 - l didn't like it. - What'd the avocado think?

457 00:25:26,033 --> 00:25:27,534 lt's the pits!

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