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Episode 305: Pearl Bailey/transcript

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Cold open


Opening number


Muppet Labs



Muppet newsflash

Dressing room

UK spot

Pigs in Space


At the Dance


Jousting scene


[knocking on door]

Pearl Bailey! Pearl Bailey!

Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Bailey!

I'll be there, honey, as soon as

somebody calls off these oysters.

- Pearl!

- Come back to us, Pearl!

- Back! Back! Heel! Heel!

- [groaning]

Oh, clam up!

Oh, this is a strange place...

[drum roll]

It's the Muppet Show with our very

special guest star, Miss Pearl Bailey.


  1. It's time to play the music

It's time to light the light

  1. It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

  1. It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

  1. It's time to get things started
  1. Why don't you get things started?

everybody on stage!

everybody is on stage.

  1. It's time to get things started
  1. On the most sensational, inspirational
  1. Celebrational, Muppetational
  1. This is what we call

The Muppet Show! #

I'm not even gonna ty it.

[clear note sounds]

- [applause]

thank you, thank you.

Welcome, again, to the Muppet Show.

I can't tell you what a kick I get

when I think of all of you

out there watching us.

You know, it sends a chill

right up my spine.


Uh... There it was, right there.

As a matter of fact,

here comes another one.

Whoo! [chuckles]

Uh, uh, uh... That one

is for our very special guest star.

She is one of the most wonderful stars

of the whole entertainment world,

and she told me just before the show

that her Papa was a preacher,

which is a wonderful reason

for doing the following number.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Pearl Bailey!

(# My Soul is a WitnessI

  1. My soul is a witness

_ Yes, it is

_ Yes, it is

  1. My soul is a witness

_ Yes, it is

_ Yes, it is

[chorus humming]

  1. God's love will do for you
  1. He will always see you through
  1. 'Cause my soul is a witness

_ Yes, it is

_ Yes, it is

[up-tempo beat plays]

  1. My life is a testimony

- # Yes, it is

- # Yes, it is

Oh, yes

yes, It is

  1. My life is a testimony

- # Yes, it is

- # Yes, it is

- # Yes, it is

- # Yes, it is

  1. Someone needs to hear
  1. God's love is always near
  1. And my life is a testimony

- # Yes, it is

- # Yes, it is

Oh, yes

yes, It is

- # Oh, my life is an example

- [chorus clapping]

- # Yes, it is

- # Yes, it is

- # Yes, it is

- # Yes, it is

  1. My life is an example

- # Yes, it is

- # Yes, it is

- # Yes, it is

- # Yes, it is

  1. Someone

Someone should see

  1. What God's love has done for me
  1. 'Cause my life is an example

- # Oh, yes, it is

yes, It is

Oh, yes

yes, It is

- # Yes, it is

- # Yes, it is

Oh, yes

yes, It is

- # Yes, it is

- # Yes, it is

Oh, yes

yes, It is

- # Yes, it is

- # Yes, it is

Oh, yes

yes, It is

- # Yes, it is

- # Yes, it is

- # Oh, Lord, Lord, Lord


- # Oh, yeah #

- # #

- Well, how'd you like that?

- I don't know, I'll ask the avocado.

- Well, what'd you think?

Ooh, loved It, loved It, loved it.

That's amazing!

No, it's not. He's been

a Pearl Bailey fan for years.

OK, nice number, nice number.

get on stage Bunsen...

Oh, wow, Kermit.

Like I really don't believe

this weird trip you're putting us on.

What's that, Janice?

The band tonight

just flashed on the closing number.

the band just flashed?


I mean, you know, Kermit...

Sometimes I just don't know

what space you're coming from.

Well, it's just a sort of

a regular, backstage space.

Oh, really, Kermit.

You don't expect us to do

that jousting number from Camelot?.

Um, well, in a word... Yes!


Oh, Kermit, Floyd has something

to say on that. Honey, you tell him.


Oh, my little green friend.


You have much indeed

to learn about today's slang.

How do you mean, Floyd?

Well, when I said I wanted to get into

something heavy for the final number...


- ...Sir knight of the Iron wasn't it.

[wailing] Look out!

- [clattering]

- [moaning]

Fractured flipper. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Tinker, tinker, fiddle...

Oh! [clears throat]

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew

here at Muppet Labs,

where the future is being made, today.

Well, I've got some news here

to tickle your fancy.

Because here they are friends,

the answer to your prayers.

Muppets All-New Edible Paper Clips.

Now, the honor of tasting this first

batch of delicious paper clips goes,

of course, to my helpful

and eager assistant, Beaker.

Uh-Huh. Uh...

Oh, Beaker, what is the matter?

Oh, that's vey naughty, Beaker.

Now you eat these clips this minute!

go on, eat.

- [sighs]

They're not so bad, go ahead.

- Hmm!


- Mmm!

- Yes!

Good. Yes, friends,

Muppets Edible Paper Clips

are delicious, nutritious

and nickel-plated.

They're handy around the office,

and they're wonderful as a TV snack.

Furthermore, they are

absolutely harmless.


Or nearly so.

Poor fellow lost his nose.

hmm. How will He smell without it?

Same as always...

[both] Terrible!

Dr. Honeydew, is Beaker all right?

Oh, he'll be fine.

I'll just go invent some nose glue.

Come on, Beaker.

- [moaning]

Yeah, but, hey,

I'm talking about serious, Kermit.

I mean, Why cast me?

This knight business is a actor's gig.


I am A musician, remember?

Well, Floyd, I wanted you to play

the knight because you fit the part.

You're the only one of us

with real gallanty.

The only one of us with real honor.

The only one of us

who'd fit in that iron suit.

[stuttering] Scooter, I needed that

like I need a broken leg!

Oh, you need a broken leg?

I'll fall on you again.

No, no, no.

Floyd, no, no. Now, listen,

this is a great chance for you.

Besides, in the same jousting scene,

you get to fight the Black Knight.

Who is the Black Knight?

- Well, that 's part of the fun.

You see, no one will know!

It's kept a complete

and absolute mystey.


The world will forever wonder who I am.

Though some may harbor suspicions.

- [crashing]

- [squawking]

Here is a Muppet news flash.

An explosion has just taken place

at the Smithfield hat factoy.

Reports say that hats

are falling all over the... Oh!

all right.

- Listen, Floyd,

I sure am glad you

got out ofthat iron suit, man.

Oh, Yeah. That was A stone drag.

- Oh, it had to be, but I'm telling you,

you're lookin' good now

with the purple threads.

Oh, yeah.

My main squeeze gave me this.

Oh, you are clever.

Listen, Come Here A minute.

I Wanna ask you A question.


Do the rest of the musicians,

do they know you in here?

hmm... no, Uh-Huh.

Well, crazy, listen.

What if you and me, see,

or you and l, either one.

What if we did a little number together?

And then, if we went over, who knows,

we could take over the whole thing.

Pearlie May...


Nothing would please me more.

- I thought it would!

(# In the Good Old SummertimeI

- [scatting]

- You jump right into it, man!

Let me iump in there with you.

- # In the good old summertime

- All right!

- # In the good old summertime

- [humming]

  1. Strolling down that shady lane

- # With my baby mine

all right.


  1. I'll take his hand

then he'll take mine

- # And, Floyd, that's a g_, g_ sign

  1. Then, naturally,

I will be his tootsiewootsie

  1. In the good old summertime

Go by yourself, man!

- [humming along]

- Yeah!

Heat it up!

Watch this.

  1. Strollin' down that shady lane, yeah!
  1. With my baby mine, yeah!
  1. Darlin', you are growing old

Oh, now, hold that, baby.

just kidding, only kidding.

Ha, Ha, ha.

  1. But I will be the toot


  1. In the good old sun
  1. Come on, let's go together

in the good old summertime

- # Summertime

- # In the good old summertime

  1. Let me tell you a stoy
  1. Strolling down

the shady lane with my

  1. Walking, talking, gr_ving

with my baby

  1. I'm gonna take his hand

he'll take mine

  1. Watch it, honey

Let me get this whole thing together

  1. I will be the tootsie tootsiewootsie

- # In the g_...

- # In the good old summertime

  1. In the good old summertime
  1. I'll be your tootsiewootsie

in the good old summer, summertime

  1. Summertime #

Yeah! Whoo!

[indistinct chattering]

(# Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee

(An Actor's Life for Me)I

  1. Hi-diddle-dee-dee

An actor's life for me

  1. A high silk hat and a silver cane
  1. A watch of gold with a diamond chain
  1. Hi-diddle-dee-doo

You sleep till after two

  1. You promenade with a big cigar
  1. You tourthe world in a private car
  1. You dine on chicken and caviar
  1. An actor's life for me!


OK, what happens now?

Oh, now comes the funny part.

Well, leaving the stage is funnier

than a lot of things the bear does.

OK, OK. Now, now,

ask me what I'm carying the fish for.

Oh, Fozzie.

What are you carying the fish for?

Oh, iust for the halibut.

You were better off leaving the stage.


  1. Hi-diddle-dee-dee

An actor's life for me

  1. A high silk hat and a silver cane
  1. A watch of gold with a diamond chain
  1. Hi-diddle-dee-doo

You sleep till after two

Hey, Fozzie, this number needs help.

No, it doesn't, it needs sceney!

Oh, wonderFul sceney,

but is it funny?

OK, now. Now ask me

what I'm carying the hoop for.

Oh, Fozzie, what are you

carying the hoop for?

Ah, because Statler and Waldorf

are always saying the show is hoopless.

just For the halibut.

Keep trying.

  1. Hi-diddle-dee-dee

An actor's life for me

  1. A high silk hat and a silver cane
  1. A watch of gold with a diamond chain
  1. Hi-diddle-dee-doo

You sleep till after two

  1. You promenade with a big cigar
  1. You tourthe world in a private car
  1. You dine on chicken and caviar
  1. An actor's life for me!

[both] # An actor's life for

  1. Me! #

[applause and cheering]

Iannouncer1_nd now, Pigs in Space.

When we last leff the Swinetrek,

it was hopelessly lost in outer space.


[Link] If the timeless endlessness

of eternal space is about that big.

And then our spaceship is down here...

...possibly or...

[Miss Piggy] Excuse me, Link,

what's in the corner there?

Uh, that's a duckie.

We need to go in this direction up here,

or possibly over...

Oh, no, no, no!

Oh, we're lost!

Lost in space.

Why won't he admit it?

  1. NAME?

- Oh!

I got lost once before

and I found my way out.

Lost in the outer galaxies, Link?

No, in a phone booth.

Hmm... This pencil is delicious.

There is no time for that now.

We must either find out

our position, or we will perish.

Oh! Oh, which is it to be, Link?




- Prunes was not a choice!

This is a pencil-shaped prune.

[computer printer rattling]

Wait. I see by the readout here,

that we are passing through

a field of deadly Snacka Waves.

[all gasp]

- [both] Snacka Waves?

Ya, ya.

At this very moment, they are tuning

evemhing aboard this ship into food.

My prune pencil.


lncluding this readout, which is now

a frozen chicken dinner for mo.

[moaning in pleasure]

Oh, it's delicious.

- Aah!

- [gasps]

Oh, what happened?

what does It look like?

Chocolate layer cake.

Aha! Dessert!


Don't you dare desert! [chuckles]

[laughs] Look at old cabbage head.

It's a cauliflower.

- [slurping noises]

Shh. listen.

The crew have started to eat the ship.

I find that a bit hard to swallow.

The crew is eating the ship?

Are you going bananas?



Oh, what are we going to do

with a half-eaten spacecraft?

Have it cold for sandwiches tomorrow?

[announcer] Be sure to tune in

next week for Pigs on Toast.

OK, stagies, you can

strike that spaceship.

Oh, Kermie! Kermie!

Why, Piggy, you've never looked better.

You're skatin' on thin ice, frog.


- Makeup! Makeup!


Oh, boy, oh, boy, chief,

are we in trouble.

what now?

- You know how you're planning

to do the jousting scene from Camelot?.

Of course.

That's the show's big finale.

Well, the people that published

the music from Camelot

just called and they

won't let you do it.

What?! I was

willing to give them credit.

I would've given them a big build up.

I would have given anything

to do the jousting scene.

They want money.

Cancel the jousting scene!

Gee whiz, chief, I thought you said

we had 1 4.95 in the cash box.

Yeah, well I spent 1 3.50

on the suits of armor.

what are we going to do?

What Can we do?

- There's only one thing to do!

- What's that?

Whatever comes next.


[downtempo iazz plays]

Are you a real professor?

Of course.

I hold the Chair of Philosophy.

- Oh? Where's that?

right here.

You seem to have a lot on your mind.

Oh, yeah.

I've got a wife and child to support.

Say... Are we poisonous?

- I don't know. Why?

Oh, Nothing, really. l...

I just bit my tongue.

[armor clanking]


They're not too light on their feet.

Ow! Not to light on mine, either.

- Ah!

- Whoa!


Ooh, terrific! terrific, wonderFul!

Say, is your friend, the Avocado here,

some kind of professional critic?

- Nah. He's just unemployed.

you should go to work.

Try to make something Of yourself.

Oh, like What?


Men, this is a command decision.

We're going to have to cancel the joust.


- What?!

- It'll be fun! It'll be snazzy!

- It'll be dumb.

Oh, Really?

Hey, no, dig on it.

For once old Green Stuff

speaks the truth.

no, Kermit.

I am sory to Have to do this...


- ...but my career is at stake,

Now you move.

- Ow!

Yes, yes, move, I'll take care of it.

Move, Kermit, yes, move!

Hey, tell me,

just bemeen the mo of us,

do you really think this will work?

No. Isn't it terrific?

Come on, just introduce us, OK?




Ladies and gentlemen, we were

planning to do the jousting scene

from Camelot, but I do think

we should cancel this, but...

[stammering] But there's been a very

pointed argument against canceling.

Good work, Gonzo.

So, anyhow, wish us luck, folks,

because here is our

special guest star, Miss Pearl Bailey

and the Muppet Players in what

almost might, sort of, kind of

be considered the

jousting scene from Camelot.

[applause and cheering]

[fanfare playing]

[# _scot Gavome]

  1. every duke and earl and peer is here
  1. everyone who should be here is here
  1. What a smashing

positively dashing spectacle

  1. We're here to see today #

And now, may I present

Her Royal Majesty, Queen Guinevere,

who will welcome you,

officially, to our annual joust.

(# Hello, DollyI

  1. Hello, fellas
  1. Well, hello, fellas
  1. It's so nice to be

back home where I belong

  1. You're looking swell, fellas
  1. I can tell, fellas
  1. You're still crowin'

You're still growin'

  1. You're still going strong

- # I feel this r_m swayin'

- [harmonizing]

  1. While the band's playin'
  1. One of my old favorite songs

from way back when

  1. Oooh!
  1. Golly gee, fellas
  1. Find me a vacant knee, fellas
  1. Pearlie will never go away
  1. Pearlie will never go away
  1. Pearlie will never go away again #

[applause and cheering]

Thank you, Your Maiesty.

And now to introduce the contestants

for this year's joust!


_# fugue for Tin Hornsh

  1. I got the horse right here

His name is Paul Revere

  1. And here's a guy who says

if the weather's clear

  1. Can do, can do
  1. This guy says the horse can do
  1. I got a horse right here

Belongs to Guinevere

  1. And I say this horse can do
  1. Can do, can do? #

(# Anything You Can DoI

  1. Anything you can do, I can do better
  1. I can do anything better than you

- # No, you can't

- # Yes, I can

- # No, you can't

- # Yes, I can

- # No, he can't

- # Yes, he can, yes, he can!

  1. Anything you can be

I can be greater

  1. I can be anything greater than you

- # No, you can't

- # Yes, I can

- # No, you can't

- # Yes, I can

- # No, he can't

- # Yes, he can, yes, he can! #

I# A Boy Like Thaq

  1. A boy like that

who'd kill your brother

  1. Forget that boy and find another
  1. One of your own kind

Stick to your own kind #

You know, Rowlf,

this don't make any sense at all.

I know, Pearl,

but we're stuck with it.

Let the ioust begin!

[fanfare playing]

Thank you! [laughs]

[indistinct chattering]

[all shouting]

- Whoa!

- [chattering excitedly]

Hey, you guys

all right down there?

Oh, oh... I'm not sure.

How do we look?

_# everything's Coming Up Rosesh

  1. You look swell

You look great

  1. Gonna have the whole world

on the plate!

  1. Starting here, starting now, honey
  1. everything's coming up

roses and daff_ils

  1. everything's coming up
  1. Sunshine and Santa Claus
  1. everything's coming up roses for me
  1. And for you #


OK. Well

there went another Muppet Show,

this one a little more

mixed-up than usual.

Mixed-up is not the word.

No, misted is the word.

Listen, guys, I'll get you

a pair of tin snips in a minute.

As soon as I say,

let us have a warm thank you

to our very special guest star,

Miss Pearl Bailey. Yey!


you know something?


I can get those guys out of that

suit of armor. I'm an expert at it.

Really? Did you used to be a costumer?

No. I was a welder.


Not sure I want to watch this. We'll

see you next time on the Muppet Show!

Will you move?

Let the crew work, will you?

The lady's trying to work.

- I didn't like it.

- What'd the avocado think?

It's the pits!

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